Twenty One, Free of Chain

If I only feel the virtue and ache,
If I only resist the craving,
If I only never fake,
If I only move without raving,
I could retrospect the tormented king;
We could taste and smell the spring.
If I could only ignore the wind's whirl and roar,
And forget the grief that remain;
I will come to a light that shines at shore;
And I will see the blue from chain.
*
Our morning thoughts are not the same as the ones at night when we go to bed. What is born in the morning changes or die out at night. They change, their demands change, and their promises change. What matters the most is to be able to keep harmony between our demands, possibilities, and strength from morning to the night.
Anna learned that all alone. She would get up in the morning hopeful, but at night, she was depressed. But none of these conflicting feelings of facts stopped her of a natural growth, a growth that was free of all other obstacles, it was free of confusion and her impulsive ideas and opinion. It was a freedom of preternatural world she lived in and the power to perceive, deduce, and reveal herself.
From every spoken word or feeling, there are twice more unspoken ones. Secrets that we may not even aware of keeping them, are part of every day's life. When Anna spoke to Stacy of her deepest feeling, she knew inwardly that she was keeping some for herself; but she also knew that Stacy would do the same. There are things in life that one keep for herself eternally. Although keeping secrets inside oneself mostly bring suffering, but it is a fair price to pay for awareness; for after the revealing what is said and what is kept and the suffering that comes with it, one can justify that all these "keeping, revealing" lead to an enlightenment that worth the price, "Suffering".
Graduation came like any other day that comes and goes. The day after, it was one day old and it did not have the same savor. Stacy had two more classes to finish and she decided to get them over in Summer. On the other hand, Anna, who wanted to begin her graduate study right away, was too late to enroll, for her decision of not going back home came too late; therefore, she needed to wait for fall semester. However, she did not waste any time to get her nursing license which was an independent issue. She accepted the job offer from the hospital, she was already working as an intern. For the first time, she was becoming financially independent which felt so good that she did not remember if she had had that kind of feeling ever before. The money she was paid was more than enough for her Conservative style of living.
Anna's father knew about all the changes that were happening in his daughter's life. He knew that she would never return, and he knew that she did not depend on him financially anymore. It was real hard for him to accept it; or to let it go; but he learned to live with it. In fact, all these had presented him a sense of pride along with despair. He recognized that the past could not be altered but he could learn from it, even in his assumed old age. He did not want to have another Aria in his hand. he had no choice but to accept whatever decision Anna would make for her life. His feeling were torn between pride and joy on one hand and depression on the other. The day that Anna told him he need not to send her money, it was like standing next to a roaring ocean and looking into deeps of waves which ripples to the shore. As they brought a soothing breeze along with a comforting feeling of being with nature, they also brought a sense of obsoleteness for being so small compare to that great body of the water. He thought: "Is it hard for every father to let go or is it only for me?"
He had never learned to discuss his feeling with Fatie, his wife. Fatie also had learned that her duty was just be a wife and take care of the domestic affairs of the house. In fact, that was a kind of life that Anna was running away from. To them, in married life, there was no partnership or equality. It was an unwritten contract that no one spoke of it but everyone knew about it.
Shahzdeh, in his assumed old age, was just learning that he had also been a victim of that style of living that his forefathers had lived. That feeling of loneliness and disconnection was a tremendous despair on his shoulder. He remembered his interaction with Anna last Summer when she was back home for Aria's funeral. In fact, that was the only time that he had sensed comfort to express his feeling to a woman, his daughter, his deepest feeling. "Oh, how wonderful it was. How good I felt."
He began yearning the American style of living and finally came to understanding that his daughter was correct and she had every right not to live like him or her mother. He had grown old, but he had also grown young with a list of dreams, as young do; but all these dreams now were for his daughter, his only child, the only human being that was giving him a reason for living not existing. He just had to show all these new learning to his daughter in a fashionable way, by his words and actions, not his money. It was an arduous task and it needed an expert; nonetheless, he was determined to learn that skill in order not to grow apart from Anna.

To Be Continued