UNFULFILLED- Ten-{_}_{_} The Divorce

"You had as well killed me rather than making me married with such a deceitful act! What kind of father are you?'" Neda left the room and closed the door behind her with force.

The feeling she lastly returned to after her father's attitude towards her was so critical that Maryam's offer for living together came to her mind immediately. She dreaded the influence and power of her father over her up to that moment. That authority so far had taken away her sense of freedom. There was something so militant, so persecutional, and so restricted in the way her father talked and presented himself that reinforced in her mind the plan she had made with her cousin, Maryam. Although that plan looked not doable on the surface but she knew when one force became two or maybe even three if they could involve Sohrab in it, then it would become much more powerful. In that case her father would feel the punches of three not one.

She was tired of the imprisonment. She wanted to escape from her body cage and the cage that her father's home brought her. She wanted to fly out to some glorious world that she had seen in her dreams and to be always there and no where else. She wished that she could see that world not in dreams or through her tears. She did not want to see that world through the iron walls of her broken heart. She wanted that world to be real, she in it and with it.

When Mansour came that evening, Neda was already in the room, sitting on a chair with her head up. She was trying to look and act strong. Sohrab also came in shortly after because Neda had asked him. The father, the guilty one, who appeared very dissatisfied with his children being in the room, sitting side by side and trying not to miss anything, sat by himself at the top of the room, smoking his pipe. He was obviously very upset not because of the conversation he would have with Mansour, but because both his children had disobeyed him and they were present.

No tea was served as it was the custom. Jalal did not want to offer this man anything. He was not sure what kind of manner he would choose with him! Would he be harsh, gentle, respectful, or indifferent?

"I understand that you're already planning your second marriage!" Jalal said in a sarcastic way.

Mansour reflected for a moment.

"Yes, what do you want me to do? Ours was a mistake and you know it. Your daughter didn't want me. You criticize me for arranging my second marriage, but you, yourself, have two wives. I won't marry until I'm divorced!" When he said this, he took a glimpse at Neda. It was clear that he had prepared himself to answer Jalal.

"I gave you my lovely daughter and you vomited on her." Jalal's tone of voice was harsh. "You had the best woman in the world and you dumped her because of your ugly pride. You think you're important, but your importance is a terrible, twisted one..." Jalal took a glance at Neda when he said this. Her head was bent on her chest.

"I didn't come here to fight. If your daughter is lovely, why did you try to get rid of her? Why don't you ask her? She is the one that doesn't want me!"

"You didn't give her a chance. She is just a child!" Jalal brought his hand on the table with force.

"If she is a child, why did you let her to marry me?" Mansour retorted. Jalal had nothing to say.

Sohrab felt that he needed to come to his father's defense.

"Let's stop all of these! I don't want my sister to be married to this worthless man anyway."

Mansour rose from his chair. It seemed that he was ready to fight. He was offended. Sohrab got up, too. Everything happened so fast that Jalal or Neda could not prevent it. She was frozen with horror. Sohrab's dark eyes were filled with tears confronting this man. His punch landed on Mansour's face and brought him to his knees. A stream of blood began running from his nose. He leaped towards Sohrab, only to lose his balance and fall again.

Jalal came between the two fighting men and made them to stop. He told his son to stop his violent behavior. Mansour went to the bathroom to wash out the blood from his face. When he returned, things were calm. Then Jalal said:

"Her love for you was real. All you needed to do to nourish it. In your pettiness, you don't have the right to have this gift. You can never live in peace because you can not and have not ever looked at life the way you should. You crush everything with your stinking pride!"

"If you keep insulting me, I leave right now and nothing would be solved." Mansour said with a wave of his hand. Neda shuddered. Her face became paler; however, she buttered out:

"Dad, he is right. Stop arguing!"

When everyone was finally calm, they began talking about the terms of the divorce. It seemed that Mansour did not care one way or the other who would have the baby. But since Neda stayed silent and did not say a word about the baby, it was agreed that Mansour and his new wife would have the baby the minute it was born. No one objected it. Neda did not know her feeling for the baby. She did not know what would it be like when the baby was born. She did not know at the time that she had no chance of keeping the baby anyway. She did not know what she agreed to would have a great affect on her for the rest of her life! No body objected the arrangement. At the moment, she did not want the baby, she wanted freedom. She did not know when the baby would be born, her whole being would change and she would be a different person.

In the next two week, father was busy with the divorce arrangement and when it was finally over, she felt more relaxed than ever. However she thought that she could never be the same person. life to her was like a puzzle, like a long road that stretched endlessly without any exit or side roads, like her dreams.

That evening she remembered her going to the religious court with her father that afternoon to sign the divorce paper. They had arranged the situation in a way that they did not have to face Mansour in the court. He had signed earlier.

She reflected the signing, Only less than eight months ago, she had signed to marry. Now she was singing to end it. She imagined the parting with Mansour was more like the beginning of a new life than ending of a marriage.

She thought all that happened to her and compared them with nature which was never the same. That evening she wrote:

"Pathways covered with winter frost;

Roads led to summer lust;

Alleys filled by spring gust;

Dry leaves of autumn I trust.

There I closed my doleful eyes;

From white winter's skies.

There I turned my pale face,

From red summer's disgrace.

There I walked away with shaky knees,

From green spring trees.

There I breathed colorful fall;

Those dry leaves, breaking with brawl.

Winter frost was always gray.

Summer lust was only a play.

Spring gust made trees to sway.

Autumn trust became my only pathway."

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Ten- The Divorce

"When you have your baby," Maryam told Neda: "may be you and I rent a small place and live together, get out of the rule of our parents!"

Neda loved that idea very much. She did not want to marry again either even though her case was more understandable than Maryam's. She would be a divorced woman soon. Perhaps an older divorced or widower would marry her; but Maryam was a woman who had disgraced herself without being married.

With that goal in her mind, The rest of Neda's pregnancy would become a little easier, even though she did not know how Maryam and she could persuade their parents for becoming independent.

Friday came. Would she be allowed to be in the room when her father and Manour would discuss the term and condition in which her divorce would be conducted? She doubted it; nevertheless, she prepared herself for it. She talked to her mother, brother, and Sima that she wanted to be involved in her own destiny; that she wanted to be in the room where the two men were making decision about her life! But she did not say anything to her father. These days no one, even Sima, dared to approach Jalal. He was like an angry tiger. He had intentionally given his daughter to a man, a nobody, a near-do-well man. Now she had returned sick and pregnant. His plan for a peaceful life with Sima had not worked. He told Mehri, his first wife, one morning before going to work:

"What kind of mother are you? Why didn't you teach her not to get pregnant? Do I have to do everything here?"

Mehri had nothing to say. Everyone was blaming her for Neda's unfortunate life. But she knew that she had not taught her daughter anything about married life; so she even blamed herself!

That evening shortly before Mansour arrived, Neda went to father's study. The sight of that room overwhelmed her with memory of the days that she had sat on his knees and he read her; or she went to that room without her father getting angry at her and took any book she wanted. At this moment that she opened the door and entered the room, she was paler than ever. It looked as if life had gone from her face.

Jalal was smoking his pipe and drinking something. His head was bent into his chest with both his arms on the desk. Neda saw a desperate man not her father. He had aged since her return.He raised his head and looked at her, but really did not see her. Guilt of what he has done, was so overwhelming that he could not look at her. Neda waited inside the door for a few second and since he did not say anything, she finally said:

"Dad, I want to be present when you talk to Mansour!"

Jalal finally saw her. He also heard her. Now he looked at her with contempt.

"Haven't you caused enough headache for us?

Neda's eyes welled up with tears. She did not care that her father was angry or contemptuous towards her. Now that she knew the story of her marriage for sure had been a set up by her father, she was not afraid of him anymore. She said:

"Dad, it is my life. You got rid of me. Now I'm back. You can't stop me.!"

"Do as you wish! I am so sick and tired of all of you."

He was bitter. He was tired; but Neda was not about to give in. Her own father had ruined her life and now he was angry at her because he had not achieved his goal which was getting rid of her. Her own mother had completely ignored her since she was mourning her own life. Before leaving the room, she took one more step. Now she was in the room not in the door way. She looked her father straight in the eyes and said:

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- <><>Ten- The Divorce

*-*

Maryam, who was engaged to Sam for over a year, thought that her man was different than her father, brothers, cousins, or any men in her family. This difference was in a way of recognizing the equality of the two genders by Sam, her fiance. Whereas Neda's case Maryama and Sam were truly in love. He had another year to finish his college; she had two more semesters to finish her schooling for becoming a beautician. Sam did not mind Maryam to work. In fact he told her many times that it was good for her self esteem to have income of her own, and to be independent; and besides having two incomes would have made life much easier for them. They would be able to build a life together much easier; besides working would boost her sense of being. Woman barely worked then in the traditional families; and the ones that they did, had mostly very modern father, brother, or husband.

Even Now Maryam believed that he had told her the truth about being independent and her sense of being. Everything they talked about, sounded wonderful to Maryam. She thought that he was a dream man for any young woman. But he had one short coming, like most men; and that was his deep- rooted prejudice against women who were not virgin on their wedding night. Perhaps being engaged in that kind of culture for one year was a wrong idea! In their cases, they both wanted to finish their education

Seeing each other almost everyday, being alone a lot of times, and having the desire to be close to each other was a dangerous thing for both of them, specially Maryam.

It happened two weeks before their wedding. The irony of it was that both were able to control their desire for intimacy for almost a year; but then it came that evening in Maryam's room when things got serious; more than kissing, fondling, hugging and touching. Maryan drew back.

"No, stop, you know we can't... Please stop." Her eyes said something else; nonetheless, she knew that she had to wait till their wedding night.

"Why not? We'll be married in two weeks. I already consider you my wife. What is wrong with doing it now?" He was sincere then. He really meant it then.

However Maryam, who knew she had to be virgin on their wedding night, kept her ground and resisted him and his want; even though she, herself was so tempted. He continued his fondling so much that her resistance melted away under his passionate kisses and touches. When they were done, she was not a virgin anymore. She cried hysterically. He solaced her that evening. He told her that she had done nothing wrong, that they were already like married couple.

He Continued seeing her in the next two weeks as before; but Maryam could sense something had changed. She knew the reason, but she thought by the passing of the time, he would forgive her transgression.

Two weeks later, he did not show up for their wedding. Maryam could not tell anyone the reason. If her father and brother would find out, they would perhaps crucify her. She had to act shocked and surprised like others. She made a decision that the family life was over for her. Besides how could she marry and trust another man. There were tricks women could do to pretend that they were virgin, or even there were back alley doctors which they sew up women who had lost their virginity; but Maryam was not the type to go for any of these should she find another man in future to marry.

There was only one more thing for her to do. She had to see Sam for one more time, the man she loved to death, the man, who had ruined her. It was not an easy task to face him. She did not know how she would feel! would it be all the rush of love followed by begging him to come back to her, would it be just a pure hatred for ruining her, or would it be just to say good bye for ever? She knew that Sam did not want to see her since she had called him on the phone and he had hanged up. She ended up to go to the university and wait for him until the time he was was leaving the campus.

They sat on the bench under a big oak tree. She did not know how to begin, what to say! Their silence was more revealing than any discussion. She decided to leave without speaking. But in the last moment, she came to conclusion to say something. She gathered all her wits and said with a trembling voice:

"Why?"

Sam did not look at her. He gazed straight forward himself. His hands were trembling. His aura was kind and tender. When he spoke, his voice was the most amiable than she had ever heard. Then he looked at her with his misty eyes that light of passion on them seemed had been stifled. The heat of his gaze was like an adoration which violently burned like a candle in a windless place. He even touched her finger for a second. finally he said with a voice that was barely audible:

"You gave in to me while you should not have. I can't trust you even though I am madly in love with you. But this secret will never leaves my lips. Rest assured!"

Maryam was outrageous. How was a gentle man like him with so much love for her could do this.

"You insisted; you said you considered us already married. You left me no chance!"

"There is always chance! It doesn't matter what I did; it matters what you did; and you gave in. I can't marry a non virgin woman. No one can!"

"You ruined me!" Maryam stammered.

"I'm so sorry. But I think you ruined yourself."

Their parting that day was more like a beginning of a new life for Maryam. Now her view of life was so different than before. Marriage for her was a far mirage which she would never be able to reach or wanted to reach. Now that she worked and made money, her goal was that gradually to convince her parents to live on her own and to become completely independent. That was an impossible desire, but she was determined to the impossible.

*-*

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- `~`~ Ten- The Divorce

Neda slowly got used to staying in bed more and longer; and less with her family on the first floor. In her girlhood room, she contemplated, reflected, and felt sorry for herself. Nonetheless, she did not want to be like her mother. She knew that no one could put the spilled water back into the jar. This pregnancy seemed like a prison or a cage. The jail to her was the baby, who now moved, kicked, and brought her strange sensations. She thought about the life of her mother, herself, even Sima, and the lives of all the women in her country. She was puzzled about Maryam, her cousin, whom on her wedding day, the groom had not showed up. All these women were stripped out from their God given freedom and right! Lack of education, not knowing, and allowing the men to act as their superior and even guardian, had made women this way, weak and submissive. In her sick bed, she thought that she would change things for herself when everything would be settled. The women's subjugation had begun so far back and it was so perfect for men that no one seemed to object it anymore, or to recognize it. it was an abysmal abyss that separated women completely from men. However Neda knew all these at her very young age. She did not want to be that way. She knew that she was as smart as any man her age or even older. As she thought about these issues, she wondered if she understood all these at her age, why other women did not know them; and if they did, why they did not do anything about them?! Why could not they all bring their thoughts and actions together and demand their rights and equalities?

These concepts disturbed her tremendously. She still could not trust Sima completely; therefore, Maryam, her cousin, who visited her often became her confidant and sympathizer. There was something about Sima's friendship that made her uneasy. As kind as she was to her, Neda could see streaks of deception in Sima's behavior with her. She even thought that Sima was spying on her; and that is why she had gotten so close to her, so she can tell her father about her. Neda needed all the love and kindness at this point of her life; and Sima was ready to give her all those without a question! But Neda's intuition was never wrong. She knew that Sima truly liked her, but she liked her life with her father better; and if her father wanted her to spy on his own daughter, she would do it. The fact that a beautiful woman like Sima had not married till her late twenties, and then she had married an older man with a wife and children was an unanswered question that everyone was curious about it. Her family was not very well off. She had become the Queen of Jalal, her twenty years older husband, and the house. She was able to take the place of the first wife with no problem. And Jalal bought her everything she wanted. Her cousin, Maryam was safe.

It was in one of these visits that Maryam revealed the greatest secret of her life to Neda, the reason that her fiance did not show up on their wedding day. Learning about it, Neda was astonished but not to the level of being shocked.

Maryam's secret confirmed her idea of women's subservient in their country even more to her. Maryam had exposed herself to danger for elating and exhilarating herself from boredom; however, that reverence had ruined her life only because she was a woman.

*-*

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Ten- The Divorce

As Neda was thinking about the seven months of marriage, she found herself not having enough energy to smooth out her apathy with Mansour. Even her pregnancy could not appease their opposing views, yet it increased them. "You are a cold woman." One time Mansour told her; yet she wanted love and kindness since according to him, she lacked them. The fight that had grown by the day was the reason she was sick not pregnancy. That is what the doctor told her when with Sima's insistence, the two of them went to the doctor two days after she had moved back to her parents' home. Neda and Mansour belonged to two different worlds. She was full of feelings, despite what he had told her. She was uneasy and scattered minded; and he was practical and ordinary. The divorce had to come.

Neda was completely aware of the complexity of her situation with all its details. This apprehension was involuntary; she had not learned it anywhere; she had not been told about it by anyone; she had not confronted it before. However, she assumed that her mental burden and the process of clearing it was only unique to her. She never imagined that other people around her, like her family, were also engulfed by this complicated situation that her marriage had caused. No, their difficulties could not be in the same order as hers was.

There came a new anxiety in her tortured soul that she was conscious of it, from her moving slow, from her constant pain of her lower back, from her heavy breathing, from her high blood pressure and from the twitching of her face and eyes. Around her the family seemed to have no will of their own, although they all knew the ground of her depression and physical sickness. Each individual seemed was compulsory infected by her distress. At this period, Neda could not listen to the heart beats of her family. She only felt the violent beating of her own heart.

Nobody told her anything; nevertheless, she knew that something was being done about her condition. She wondered how her father could act on her behalf without her knowing it. All she learned was by eavesdropping and hearing bits and pieces that Sima, her mother, or Sohrab told her. She knew that Mansour would be in their home Friday evening to discuss the terms of the divorce with her father. It was Wednesday. It was exactly a week since she had left her apartment. Her father had already sent his workers to empty the apartment and remove everything he had bought for her. They put everything in an extra room on the second floor which they used as a storage room.

She was not able to go to her night school anymore. Her doctor had forbidden her of moving around too much, or being by herself alone. The doctor told Sima that Neda had a very small uterus; therefore, she would face difficulties carrying the baby to the full term and delivering it naturally. To save her and the baby, the doctor had ordered complete rest. Mehri, Neda's mom was first offended by her daughter's trusting her rival, Sima, and second by her choosing her adversary as her confidant. Zari, her sister- in- law, told her:

"I guess if you don't feel sorry for yourself all the time, then Neda would come to you for advice not Sima!"

Despite the doctor's order, Neda moved around the house gingerly. Her mother seemed nervous and worried, however, Sima told Mehri in a very amenable manner:

"I don't see anything wrong in her moving around as long as nothing happens to her mental state!"

Sima recognized that emotional disturbance most of the time was worst than physical pain. Zari also Told Mehri:

"Put your envy aside if you love your daughter. If Sima and Neda are getting along, let it be. Neda is closer in age with Sima than with you. Besides they look at each other as friends."

Mehri had to think hard and serious about these guidance from all around her before she would accept them. But her acknowledgment was all in her head not in her heart.

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Nine- (^)(^)The Return

Neda still had so much love for her father. She wanted him to give her a chance to blame herself, but he would not allow her that opportunity. He was outrageous. She did not move. Sohrab did not say a word. The father and son had left nothing to be said after the fight of last night. Neda could not open her mouth to utter a word. As strange as it might sound, she still wanted to justify herself in a negative way. Father's power in a very extraordinary way caused her to have this extreme need of substantiating herself whether in a negative or positive way. She looked with desperation at her brother, who was also overwhelmed by their father's anger. Sohrab saw that his sister was asking his help with her searching glance. He understood her nonverbal signal and decided that it was time to stop the father, whom he had no problem to fight with the night before. The respect was already gone. Walls were broken after that battle of words of the night before. Nonetheless, he looked afraid. His round face and large brown eyes were wrought into an expression of frenzied and frantic powerlessness. He began, first stammering, and slowly becoming stronger:

"Dad, screaming and shouting won't do any of us any good. it was a mistake in a first place and you knew it and didn't stop it; In fact you encouraged it. Now we have to think of a solution and that is only a divorce. I never wanted her to marry this worthless friend of yours. Nobody asked my opinion; but now you are all going to hear it. She's already gone through hell. We must stop this fighting for her sake." Sohrab's anger, like the night before, began showing itself slowly but surely. He brought his fist on the table loudly as he finished his little speech.

Father raised his head; looked at his son, and all of a sudden, he was calm. Neda stopped crying. the room was suddenly overcame with silence.

Away from wanting to admit himself to hypocrisy, Jalal felt that he should severely look into his soul and layers of his conscious to conquer the rush of the feelings that unexpectedly were troubling him. On the other other hand, he felt that as a father and head of the family, he was the one that should solve this problem with clear mind. He needed to rescue his daughter from this man, who he thought was a perfect match for her. He noticed that the night before Sima, his second wife, had spent the night with Neda, so it appeared to him that the two women, twelve years apart in age, had built a friendship with each other. After a long silence, he raised his head which was bent into his chest and looked at his son.

"I must talk to Mansour before doing anything drastic."

Neda's first impression was that her father wanted to mend their marriage, to bring them back together. As frightened as she was. she found enough courage to say:

"I don't want to be married to him. Besides he's already had another woman..."

Both father and son looked at her pale face and dry eyes. Jalal said in much calmer voice than before:

"How do you know he is with another woman? Sohrab says the same thing last night!'

"Yes, dad, Sohrab knows it, too. I've been going to school every afternoon for over a month since he left me. I've seen them together everyday. I know everything about her."

Even though he had heard from Sohrab the night before, it was a shocking alarm for him to hear it from Neda's mouth. It was also shocking for Sohrab to hear it again. The guilt at that moment filled up Jalal's soul thinking that his sick daughter was going to school to watch her husband with another woman for over a month; and coming home to vomit everything she had eaten and felt.

"I know honey. I don't want you to stay married to him either!"

That evening in her old room, Neda thought that this house was where she was born, raised, went to school, and began writing poetry. Now she had returned to all those memories. she had left this house seven months ago with strength, now she was back sick, pregnant, and weak.

Was it her own stubborn attitude that was causing this divorce? She knew how strong minded she was in her views. Her ideas only belonged to her. she was kind to everyone, yet she owned her own point of view. No one could rid her of her purpose and decisions. After divorce, she thought, she might sometimes regret it. But there would be a hidden fact in this divorce! She was forced because of her father's action to marry Mansour while she had thought it was her decision. Now she would choose poetry over marriage. With her unyielding mind she would choose poetry over family life.

This house had been a home before, now perhaps it would be a torture. She saw her life at that moment like a glow that was dying, fading away and becoming light less. She sat behind her desk without cleaning the seven months dust on it and wrote:

"When darkness slowly creeps,

A silent, vivacious breeze,

Is felt on my colorless face,

And within my soul, restless of chase.

* My knees buckle and shake;

Can't support me of this ache.

I feel faint and weak.

All I desire to rest, not seek.

* Trying to open my eyes

to see once more the world and skies;

But I find that I can't though;

The fire of living is now a glow.

* I hear a sound afar;

It resembles the wailing of a war.

But still fast, and faster blow

Tells me of my dying glow.

* Another gust of wind is near;

to give my face a last cheer.

Frightened and shivering, I know

The fire of living is now a glow."

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Nine- *****The Return

"You know that your father planned all these!" Sima began. "He let Mansour to come here everyday; he let you two to fall in love, if one can call that love! He told me himself that you made him uncomfortable because of his second marriage to me. He told me that Mansour was a good man and if you marry him, then we would live in peace since he said your mother couldn't do anything and Sohrab didn't care one way or the other. Now you know. He..."

"Stop, stop!" Neda broke in.

Sima seemed perplexed. She thought why didn't Neda want to know more about it!

"Sima, I knew it. Actually I didn't know it first, But Sohrab, maryam, and even my mom told me that they were sure that father wanted to get rid of me. On my wedding night, I had a big fight with Mansour. I didn't want to go with him to the apartment. Maryam talked me into it even though she knew father had set me up." Neda stopped talking, as though the more she said the more upset Sima and herself got. But she needed to finish this conversation in a good note, so she continued:

"Sima, it's not your fault. If anyone is guilty, is my father and my mother. She should and could have stopped this. She warned me about it, but she did nothing. She didn't stop it. She was so involved in her own grief and whining that not even for a moment she thought about me! Okay now I said it!"

Sima began crying. The two of them hugged each other with real affection and stayed in that position for a while.

"Friend!" Neda said.

"Friend and sister forever!" Sima responded and then continued:

"We need to get you better. You're going to have a hard road ahead of you, with divorce, baby, and being so emotionally and physically sick. Just go take your bath and change. I'll make a good breakfast for both of us and we'll eat it right here in your room."

Neda smiled and nodded her head for agreement. While Sima was gone to prepare the breakfast, Neda made a decision. She knew her father first would blame her before condemning Mansour. Her resolution was self reproach. If she rebuked herself, her father would not have the right to chide her. Sima's help to her was paramount. With her help and promise of friendship, Neda was ready to face anything.

They had breakfast in bed. She had two French toast and two fried eggs with a glass of orange juice. Sima had the same thing and also tea. She felt good about this new event; therefor she did not throw out. She came to conclusion that her vomiting mostly had to do with her state of mind than her pregnancy. She was ready to face her father. She thought again about her vomiting. She asked Sima:

"What do you think, was my vomiting before part of my emotional sickness or the time of vomiting is over since I have my family back?"

Sima laughed. " I'm going to make you all better. With Sohrab's love, my friendship, and your mother's cooking, you will never vomit again!"

With that assurance from Sima and with her new attitude, Sohrab and she walked to her father's room. Suddenly her feeling at that moment turned not only to fear but also to an exhausted despondency of her soon to be isolated and physically inactive because of her pregnancy; and to be alienated from the world she so much wanted to explore and write about. What if she could stay in her own apartment and live on her own? She knew her father and brother would never allow her that!

Father's explosion was like a thunder that filled the house and everything in it. Sima put her head into the room. That short glance from her gave Neda some courage. However, Jalal without considering his second wife's feeling, screamed at her:

"Get out!"

Sima closed the door and disappeared.

"I kill him, I kill him!" Father kept repeating that he would kill Mansour. But one thing that he did not want to admit to anyone was that the reason of his agitation was not truly Mansour, but it was the return of Neda back home. He was screaming because his peace was disturbed. He had sent a child away, a bad child in his opinion, and now that child was returned pregnant and sick. At that moment, Neda was aware of her father's devastation and the reason for it. If she had any doubt before, now she was certain, after talking to Sima, that her father had almost sold her in an unsuitable marriage. She hated herself for being the cause of this. She almost wanted to tell her father that she and his second wife were now friends, but she had promised Sima.

The tone of voice of her father that she had heard a moment ago screaming at his young wife, now was mixed with an obvious bitterness so painful and so inconsequential that Neda was frightened that she and only she was the reason that her father was hurting.

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Nine- #####The Return

That evening Sohrab decided to save his sister no matter what. What ever it took, she needed to be rescued from her demented mind, and from the wicked husband whose father had found her in a hurry to get rid of her so he can have a peaceful second marriage, she needed saving. After what Neda had told him since yesterday about her short life with Mansour, even the very privet ones, his anger had reached a boiling point; it was beyond and above everything that he had known in his life. When they got home, the first thing he did was to let his father know how he really thought about him.

The two men, father and son, had a real fight and argument for the first time. They did not let anything untold. The women in the house all left the room. Neda cried her heart out. Mother kept saying that her life and her daughter's life were similar; something Neda did not want to hear then. It was only Sima, father's second wife, who stayed calm and tried to take care of Neda's emotional heart ache and physical need. She was finally able to take Neda to her girlhood's room which had remained untouched and put her in bed. Sima stayed in bed with her and allowed her to cry herself to sleep. That entire night, Sima slept with her in the same bed. Neda's mother never knew how to show real affection the way Sima was showing to Neda at this horrible moment. A friendship began and emerged that evening.

In the morning, Neda opened her eyes in the crack of dawn to find that Sima was still there next to her. She did not move. She did not want to wake her up. Sima, father's second wife was the reason that her father practically had gotten rid of her, had given her into a disastrous marriage. Now, she had done more for her in one night than her own mother could have done. Neda moved closer to Sima until she was near enough to put her arm around Sima's neck and to rest her head on her shoulder. She lay this way completely still for a moment. Sima woke up but she did not move. She could feel Neda's trembling. The shaking of this unfortunate girl expressed everything that she was not able to say. However Sima said in her speaking mind: "It is because of me that her life is ruined."

Neda got up gently from bed so as not to disturb Sima. She sat again on the bed, hanging her legs on the narrow space between the bed and the window and looked at the yard, at the bench under the great cherry tree. Because of the cold weather of Tehran, the tree had lost all its leaves. She looked at the bench eagerly and recalled the night of her wedding when she had sat there with her gown on, hugging her knees and crying. How did she know then that she had made a mistake? She recalled her brother, Mansour and Maryan, her cousin. Suddenly she felt a cold rush of tremor in her body. She had made sure yesterday when Sohrab had packed her clothes in the garbage bags, not to forget her grandma's shawl. She wrapped the shawl around herself. Sima had made sure the night before to unpack her garbage bags of clothes and to put the shawl on the iron, gold color stand at the top of the bed.Only Seven months had passed from that event. Now she was back to her real house, to her real home, but she was not real anymore. She was a different person. She was soon to be a divorced woman while being pregnant and sick. "What will all the family, who were in the wedding say?" She answered her own question: "I really don't care!" How seven short months had changed her life? She had married at the end of April, just two days after she had finished school; and now almost the end of October, she was back home, her home.

When she turned around to pick up her shawl, she had seen Sima sitting in bed. She looked tired like someone that had gone through a horrible hardship.

"Oh, I'm sorry that I woke you up!" Neda said.

"No sweet heart, you didn't. I had a hard time to sleep. I didn't want to leave you alone last night. You know Jalal and Sohrab's fighting and ..."

"I've noticed. I've never imagined you'll be so nice. Forgive me for not giving you the chance." Neda moved around to be face to face and close to Sima.

"I'm the one that needs forgiveness. it's because of me that you're in this situation." Sima spoke honestly.

"What do you mean?" Neda asked her step mother with surprise.

"Never mind that!"

"Oh, come on Sima. Now that you made me curious, you must tell me."

"Do you promise that you don't tell anyone?"

Neda drew a sign of promise on her heart and said that she would never say a word to anyone.

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Nine- {<>}{<>}The Return

The words that came out of Neda's mouth were not normal; they sounded erratic. Sohrab took her again into his arms and they both cried. They drank more. Time was passing by and they were not even aware of it. Their talks now were more drunken chatter than anything else. They finished the wine. They talked, cried, and talked more.

They both felt hungry. Sohrab found a few eggs in the refrigerator. There was nothing else there. He boiled them; and made two sandwiches with some old, stale bread. Neda ate hers and did not vomit almost for the first time. They sat on the sofa, each on one side of it, unaware that morning had changed to noon, afternoon, evening and now night. They talked some more without putting the lights on, and finally they both fell asleep. The telephone rang a few times but they both were drunk and drawn. They needed that drunken sleep. Sohrab woke up in the middle of the night. It was three in the morning. He brought a blanket from the bedroom, raised her sister's legs and put them on the sofa and covered her with blanket. She said something inaudible. He did not pay attention. He went to the bedroom. He searched the bedroom for a suitcase, but there was none. The only suitcase they had was taken by Mansour. Sohrab went through his sister's clothes and picked up enough of everything and put them on the bed. Then he went to the kitchen and brought a few garbage bags and filled them up with Neda's things. She had come to this apartment with so much fan fair; she was leaving with a few garbage bags. Sohrab thought.

No one had ever taken care of her this way. When she woke up at six in the morning, she saw that her brother had made tea on the kettle for both of them. She saw four full garbage bags in the corner of the living room. For a moment the events of yesterday and last night were hazy, but slowly they all came to her focus.

"What is going on Sohrab?"

"I'm taking you home!"

"No, no, I don't want to..."

"Yes, Neda, you have no choice. I promise that I save all of us on time when the baby is born. But for now, you have no choice; I have no choice."

Neda shook her head which both was for agreement and disagreement. They had their tea. Sohrab loaded his car and they left. He stopped in front of a cafe that served breakfast. They went inside. Neda had toast and jam and some Persian cheese with Barbary bread. Sohrab had a little more than her. Again, for the second time in the row, she did not get sick after eating. Sohrab called his father at home from that cafe. He knew they were worried that he had left work yesterday morning and had not gone home even for the night. He briefly told his father the story; but he also told him that they were not ready to come home yet. No matter how much father insisted to know the reason, he repeated:

"I just want to spend some time alone with her before bringing her back home."

"Does it mean that you're not coming to work today?'

Sohrab's anger got to the point that he knew if his father was in front of him, he would perhaps hit him.

"You destroyed your daughter's life. She is sick and lonely. Her husband, your friend and choice for her, has left her, and you're asking me that I'm not going to work! What kind of father are you?"

He hanged up the phone with so much outrage that almost everyone in the cafe noticed it.

Neda did not ask him how the conversation with father was. She already could see it in his eyes. The first thing Sohrab did, drove to school, where Mansour worked. He wanted to see himself what his sister had seen for the last couple of weeks. That day Mansour and Mitra had decided to walk to school instead of driving. Sohrab and Neda could see them walking while holding hands. Neda had to stop her brother's rage and his intention of getting out of the car and confronting Mansour. They sat in the car without speaking until the lovers went inside the school.

The rest of the day, they took turn to calm the other. They had lunch in a restaurant. For the first time Neda had a real good appetite and ate Shish Kabob and rice. Again she did not throw out.

They laughed, reminisced, even cried, drove here and there until evening.

"It's time to go home, little sis!"

"I know. I had the best day of my life with you. I wish a day comes that we can live on our own, you and me, not with our parents." Neda spoke as she thought.

"I do, too, little sis."

They finally went home.

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Nine-<><><>The Return

"Come on Sohrab, you came here to help me, to save me, to give me comfort. I am okay now and you're furious and distraught!"

"Oh, little sis, the world doesn't matter to me anymore!"

"Stop it Sohrab. It does matter a great deal." At this point Neda forced her brother to sit and went to the kitchen and brought him a glass of water.

She had lost everything; she did not know things would get this horrible, her future was unknown, she was pregnant; but she had everything that Sohrab needed at that moment. She had or thought to have strength, which her brother did not. She, herself, was surprised how she was able to control her emotions which only a few hours ago were about to kill her!

"What are you going to do?" He finally asked.

"I don't know, I don't know how to get a divorce. Doctor said that the baby would be here in January. I don't know what to do with the baby! Now it's October. I don't want this baby! I don't know! No one ever told me anything. Mother never taught me how to stop from getting pregnant. Father threw a big wedding for me, even bought me everything and paid six months rent ahead of time. What do you think? Do all these things sound to you that they wanted to get rid of me. Now I have to come back. I don't want to, but would they let me to live by myself? I don't know Sohrab. I want to die. No one wants me..."

Sohrab had to cut her sister off. He thought she could talk to eternity about things that were all true.

"We must talk to father. We have no choice." He mumbled while holding Neda in his arms.

"I know we must. He threw me out, his precious daughter, her guileless daughter; now he's going to get me back impure and pregnant. Let's drink some wine and celebrate my impurity!"

"What! I didn't know you drink!" Sohrab was shocked.

Neda began crying:

"That is how he got me pregnant. He gave me wine; he got me drunk every night and then assaulted me." As she was saying this, she got up and brought an open bottle of wine and two regular glasses. The bottle was almost full.

Sohrab poured two glasses and they both began drinking. It was elven in the morning.

"Are you afraid little sis?"

"Yes, very much, yet I'm not." She whispered. And then she continued:

"But I am happy now. I know you love me. I know with all their short comings, my family loves me! I wonder would I always be happy?'

Sohrab reflected for a moment. He was also calm now.

"Why do women use the word "always". It's a scary word. Nothing is for 'always'!"

Neda nodded her head; drank almost half a glass of wine in one breath.

"You can't stay here alone. Look at you; you're all skin and bones. You're drinking which is not good for you; and you're not eating! Look what he's done to you!" He said after a moment of reflection. He also finished his first glass in one breath.

"Why can't I? I've been living alone here for over a month now; that is when he left me and never returned. I know everything. He has found some one else, much better than me! But I want to stay here. It's my apartment."

"Don't be a child now. So that is why he left you, because he's found a girlfriend...Look at you. Some one must take care of you. You look like dead!" He said what he did not want to say. Meanwhile he lit a cigarette.

"Can I have one?"

"So you smoke, too!"

"Sometimes, yes, I do. I'm going to get better. I know it. When I can eat, if I can stop my mind of playing games!" Neda took long and deep puffs from her cigarette.

"What do you mean by your mind playing games?"

"I don't know; but I sense... I believe my mind tells me that I don't live much longer; it tells me I'll be gone. I hear it says that I never existed. It is cruel, isn't it?" She almost finished her cigarette so fast as though she did not have time to do it slower.

Sohrab understood now that his sister needed to be saved...

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Nine- [=][=]The Return

Neda gathered all her energy and said:

"You talk in a way as though you're burying me or saying good bye for ever!"

He smiled; but no, he was not smiling.

"I think so. I think it's the last time we see each other." He said what was in his mind unexpectedly. What he said out loud, was what he contemplating silently! But Neda heard it.

He touched her face with both hands.

"You're crying!"

She did not answer. She felt a lost love for him; perhaps hidden somewhere in the layers of her conscious; somewhere that she was not aware of it. In the midst of his contempt, his indifferent attitude, his hatred, she suddenly found that mysterious love; but it was not a type of love that a man and woman needed to live with each other. It was a sympathizing love. For the first time she knew that she was as guilty as he was. However she kept the memory of his last words to her "you're crying" through the night and after that for a long time.

In the morning she knew it was all over. What she did not know, in fact nobody knew at the moment, was that with her father's involvement, she would have a nasty divorce ahead of her. She wanted a peaceful and friendly one!

The first person in her family she talked to was her brother, Sohrab. She called her father's office where her brother worked. He answered the phone himself.

"Sohrab, come and see me after work!"

"What is going on, little sis?'

"I tell you when I see you!"

He knew that things at his sister's home were not right. He had not seen Mansour at least for a month. His sister avoided them. She used different excuses each time they asked her about Mansour's whereabouts or why she was not going to their house! His intuition from the beginning of this marriage had warned him of a disaster that his sister would face. He had tried to talk to their father, but the old man always changed the subject, as though he knew that he would be blamed for his daughter's untimely marriage in the final analysis. What Sohrab had predicted, now seemed to be upon them only after several months of marriage.

Sohrab did not wait till afternoon to get off work. He left right away and went directly to his sister's apartment. When Neda opened the door, what he saw was shocking. She looked more like dead than alive. His anger flashed through his eyes; on the other hand, his love for his sister extinguished the blaze. At first Neda thought that he would kill Mansour. She was the one in need of help, but at the moment she had to calm her brother. She needed someone to sooth her, to empathize with her, to ease her sorrow; but it was the grief of her brother that needed to be alleviated. Now she was struggling to save her brother from his fury and heartbreak through her own rage and anguish. The force she found to do this made her speechless; and the condition of not being able to speak made her extremely agitated. She did not cry, as though something inside her seized her of showing any emotion. Her face turned so pale that it had the color of death; her whole body shook. All she could do to make the atmosphere a little brighter, was to put her helpless hand over the hand of her brother.

"It is over! It had never had to happen!" She said with despair.

She, who always thought men were master of their emotions and could not cry easily, yet could show their outrage as effortlessly as they began their happiness, was surprised to see her brother in that state of mind. While he was crying, she told him what she thought. He said through the hiccup of his tears and anger:

"I don't want to be the slave of my emotions. But here we are talking about your life. He ruined you. You're not even seventeen yet, and would be a divorced, pregnant woman. How do you want me to control my anger, my tears? I just can't take it...can't take it..."

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Nine- `~`~ The Return

Rain began falling down like a sheet of water. Her living room looked dark and gloomy like her heart. She sat on a chair by the dinning table without putting the lights on. There was a bucket of ice cream on the table from many hours before. the ice cream was all melted and had leaked on the table. After her mother's phone call, she vomited everything she had eaten that day. She did not know how to go one, how to carry this baby for another four months, how to endure this life, how to study, how to write poems! She did not know where her dreams had gone, disappeared.

Her body was changing slowly. Although she had lost weight instead of gaining, she felt that her clothes at the stomach part were getting tight on her. This morning she had looked at her naked body in the bathroom mirror. Her arms, legs, and face were thin and skinny. She had blue marks and rings under her eyes. She contributed those to her extensive crying, to vomiting everything she ate, and to not sleeping. She was all skin and bones. She looked old for a sixteen years old, looked out of shape, and ugly. Right there, in the middle of her body, it was her stomach which was rising like a fire ant mount. How did she fall into this trap? Why didn't her mother tell her anything about how to prevent pregnancy! Was her mother's unhappiness so grand that she had forgotten to give some advice to her daughter? Couldn't she tell her about birth control pills? Couldn't her aunt Zari advise her before she went as a girl to her new house and now was a pregnant woman and all alone? She did not know! She had no knowledge of married life and the intimate relation between a man and woman before the very first night when Mansour took her. She had not known what the life of a man and woman together before the very first night; and no one had told her a thing.

As she was dozing in the dark with her head on the table, and listening to the pouring rain outside, she heard a knock on the door. Startled, she got up and went to the door and opened it. It was Mansour at last. So he had decided to come.

"You have key, don't you?" That was the first thing came to her mouth.

"I don't live here anymore. I threw out my key. You come to school today. What do you want?"

So he had come to have his last fight; but that was not the way she wanted to end.

"I don't want to fight. I want to talk."

"You had nothing to tell me before!" He said that without any obvious feeling. "I was planning to call your father tomorrow."

She went to the window, pulled the drapes back and looked at the gloomy sky. Rain had stopped; but the melancholy had stayed.

"Why are you sitting in the dark? let me put the light on."

"No, no..." She almost became frantic.

As she said no, no, a vigorous lightening brightened the room. She suddenly saw him standing next to her. That sudden illumination seemed to be the horror both felt; the hopeless love that they both had thought they could find in each other. Neda walked away from window automatically. It was dark again; but she knew that he followed her. Right before she would sit so she would not fall for her extreme trembling and weakness, he seized her. His hands, she felt, had involuntary muscular contraction. She stood, he supporting her, also stood. He kept holding her hand. They both looked outside into the storm of the nature so they would avoid the storm within themselves. A thunder shook the room. Rain started again. It kept pounding the roof and windows with its fearful sound. He turned his face towards her and finally said:

"I guess this is it!"

To Be continued

UNFULFILLED- Nine- The Return

It was getting cold, but not enough to wear heavy clothes. The day was obscure and gloomy. Sky seemed swelling with thunder and storm. Right at three O'clock, Neda stood in front of the stairs of the school, where she had gone everyday for the entire week and had hidden so not to be seen. But today she wanted to be seen. The students and teachers were leaving the school. Her heart began to pound uncontrollably when she saw Mansour descending the stairs. Mitra, his girlfriend was not with him; but Neda could see that she was a little behind talking to another woman. Mansour suddenly saw Neda at the bottom of the stairs. He walked towards her. There was no other way for him unless he went back inside. But he did not want to avoid her. He wanted to end it as much as she did. Staying silent and not talking would delay his marriage to Mitra, who would not marry him unless he was divorced. Neda, at the bottom of stairs, saw in his aura that he intended to talk to her. Frozen without being able to move, the few seconds before he would reach her seemed like a long time. He reached her. She thought for a second to turn around and leave. There was no courage left in her. She had left home all the bravery and gallantry that she thought she could use them for this meeting, but now they were broken in pieces. Now he was right in front of her, almost face to face. He stood, looking at her. There was a strange bewilderment in him seeing her so frail and pale. She forgot why she was there, forgot the speech she had prepared. She could not speak. She was not able to say what she saw in his face when she raised her head finally; but at that moment she also saw the other woman was coming down the stairs. Neda had only a second to say what she had practiced many times before the other woman would be at the bottom of stairs. Mansour had a searching glance; but did not say anything. He just stood there in front of her.

"I must...must talk to you! Come home tonight!" She babbled these few words while feeling she might chock on her own words. She looked at his eyes and saw nothing. She had left very little stamina, she used her last thread of energy, while feeling she was getting sick; turned around and began running. She did not even wait for his answer. Would he or would he not go to see her that evening? She had had a good look at the other woman. The other was beautiful, was a woman, mature, and voluptuous! Neda was praising her rival because he had left her, ignored her and found someone better than her for himself.

Her frenzied soul hated his happiness. Little was left of her affection for him and conventionality of his nature, yet Neda overcame by what was revealed to her now. She had seen the look of the other woman on him. Every veil, she had seen, was stripped from the other woman; and her very vivacity shone in her eyes the way she had looked at Mansour. In this simplistic stare, Neda had seen the naked psyche of the other. She had seen clearly than ever the woman her husband loved and the woman who loved her husband. She had always thought no one could love Mansour. She had proven wrong.

Mother called and said that her father wanted t talk to her. "So they're suspicious!" She was surprised herself that she had been able to hide the leaving of Mansour for three weeks from her family. She had rushed inside her apartment to answer the phone coming back from her short adventure with her husband. "They probably know something is amiss!" She excused herself by saying to her mother that she was studying and she had to go to school and she had exam that night. However she promised to go there the next day. When mother insisted, Neda said with a harsh voice:

" I have to go to school; and after that I want to be at my own home tonight; do you mind?" She had never used this kind of language with her mother. Mehri did not say anything. She knew of her daughter's oscillating mood very well.

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Eight- <><><>The Others

Neda decided to go back again the next day and the days that followed. She saw him leaving the school with the same woman every day. One day she stopped a student who was running and asked him while pointing to the woman:

"Do you know her?'

The student looked puzzled; nonetheless, he answered Neda without stopping:

"Yes, I know her. She is our history teacher."

Neda wanted to ask more questions, but the he was gone. She felt a cold tremor in her entire body. she did not understand it. She never loved Mansour, but the question was why then to be upset? She did not know what to do, or what she should do! She stayed long enough to see that Mansour and that woman went towards a blue color Fiat car in the parking lot of the school. They both threw their books and bags in the back of the car; and she sat in the driver seat, and he, next to her, and they drove off. It was obvious that he had found another woman.

He was rejected and disappointed with no hope to salvage their five months marriage. He had met Mitra, a young widow teacher in the cafeteria of school. They had become friends very quickly. It seemed as though they were match made in heaven. Mitra was thirty years old. She had an eight years old son. Her husband had died of cancer five years back. She was from Shiraz, the city of flowers and antiquity. Her parents still lived there. After the death of her husband, she had decided to stay in Tehran, against her parents' will, and to continue her teaching career. She had a small apartment not far from school.

Neda did not know that they were already engaged. Mansour had promised her to divorce Neda before they get married. He was already living with her although such things in their culture was unheard of; but they had kept it very secret. No one at school knew that he was already married and his wife was pregnant.

He had left his home with Neda a rejected man to gain another woman who understood him, adored him, and respected him. He knew that without respect there would be no love. Neda had no respect for him. Mansour had found himself debased with Neda but highly motivated with Mitra. He had left Neda extremely offended and found someone else much superior to Neda. He finally gained what he had lost!

Surprises were not good things; and this bombshell for Neda was beyond shocking. As sick as she was, she went to school almost everyday at the closing time. One day that they didn't have the car, she followed them and discovered where they lived. She even saw the other woman''s son. She saw how they were holding hands while walking. Now two weeks had passed from the day that Mansour had left her. He did not call her or cared that she was pregnant with his child. He had found someone better than her. Neda thought of all these things with throbbing anxiety. Marriage had drained all her energy and power. How could she love again? The terrible thing was that he took the first step to end this not her. This truly bothered her. He had wounded her soul by marrying her; now he was murdering all she believed by his betrayal. Everything was gone. This marriage was like a crime and the result of it was this thing in her womb that she did not ask for it, or wanted it.

She was completely unnerved by this bleak terror, by abstruse fright, disconnected with everything and everyone. She needed help, strength; however, the help she craved was for her emotions not for her physical conditions.

One afternoon, after three weeks, she decided that she should talk to Mansour. She had found this sudden zest for conversation. Besides her family now was so suspicious that they constantly quizzing her about Mansour's whereabouts! She decided to talk to her family after she had her own conversation with this unfeeling man. She finally made up her mind that the next day would be a day that she would confront him outside the school and would ask him to come home to talk. She did not want him; but she did not want this situation either. That evening she felt just a little stronger. She sat in front of a mirror and looked at her pale face. What she saw in the mirror was a woman she did not know; a searching woman! She wrote after many weeks:

"I say good day

To the sun of today:

To my inside scream;

To the cloudy eyes in my dream;

To the plants that painfully grow;

And take me to a season of woe.

And to the migrating bird,

Who sang a tune unheard,

And brought me perfume from a far farm;

And enchanted me with its charm.

And to my mom;

Whose love used to make me numb.

And I will resemble her,

In the old age of despair.

I say good day.

*

I come, I come.

Earth says: 'Welcome.'

My hair becomes perfume of a tree.

My eyes become dark but free.

I come with flowers in hand.

On the entrance of lane, I stand;

And I see a searching woman

In the journey that she began.

To her I say: 'Good day.' "

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Eight- *****The Others

Neda did not fight with Mansour any more. She did not see any sense to animate this man to something, to anything. The only things that mattered to him, were things that were not related to her. But on the other hand, her silence was worse than argument. They both knew the degree of disaster they both were caught in; and he knew he could not have anger from her anymore. His mind was not programmed for her quietude. He did not handle her silent. He had planted rage in himself to face her agony. But in this foreboding silence, he lost his balance while not being able to change her technique of defense. He was just a kind of person that every one knew him well but nobody cared for him. Everyone was happy to see him, and no one remembered him afterwards. He had wounded Neda by his indifference, but he had injured himself more. Her emotion was lamentable, his was futile. They had nothing to say to each other because she did not communicate and because he did not care.

But things could not stay that way. Their lives were like living in death or hell. They both needed an explosion, a thunder, and a fight. One morning Neda noticed that he was packing a suitcase before going to work. He was a teacher now. She stayed unspoken in bed, pretending to be asleep. After he left, she got put of the bed and searched his closet. He had taken almost everything, all his clothes, he did not have many, all his personal hygiene. He did not return that evening or the next. She did not tell anyone in her family that Mansour had left her. Two days passed. She saw her mother and her brother both days, yet she said nothing. When the second night, her brother brought food for her and saw that she was all alone again, he began quizzing her about the whereabouts of Mansour. She acted calm. She decided there should be no hysteria, no drama.

"He wanted to stay at school a little late to prepare himself for some exams his students will have."

Sohrab believed her since she was not crying; however, he was also suspicious. But it happened again. This time she said that he was seeing his mother. The next quizzing came when she was at her parents. Then everyone questioned her.

"We haven't see Mansour for awhile!" It was Sima, father's second wife. Father, as always was silent. Mother, as usual was in a different world. It was Sohrab, who looked at her in the eyes and told her straight forward:

"What is going on, little sis?"

And again Neda pretended that nothing was amiss. Sohrab drove her home almost every night. He would always go inside to check the apartment. His suspicious was unbearable. He could not stand it anymore.

"Go home Sohrab. I'm going to leave the lights on for when he returns home. I just go to bed. I'm tired."

One week passed. Before telling anything to her family, she needed to find out for herself where Mansour had been. She knew he did not have much money to stay in a hotel. She knew he was too proud to go to his mother and sister's home.

Curious and somewhat worried, after a week of not hearing a word from him, she went to school where he taught in the afternoon at the closing time when they let out students. She stood far back, heard the ring of the closing of school day. Surge of the students running down the few steps that would take them to the freedom of buying ice cream, talking, and... Then she saw him leaving the school building. A woman was with him. Neda was shivering behind a tree she was standing. She needed to see how this would end. Was this just a casual talking of two teachers, or something more sinister?

"Who is she? Another teacher!" At the beginning she was not much concerned. She went back home, but the woman, the other teacher had left an impression on her that she could not explain. Her mind said: "Oh, she was just another teacher!" Her heart said: "How intimately they talked to each other?!"

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Eight- (_)(_)The Others

The next day Neda's mother took her to their family doctor. Neda, who always had irregular period, did not remember when her last one was. After examining her and doing a pregnancy test, the doctor said that she was definitely pregnant; perhaps about four to five months. And then he said that most likely she would have the baby sometimes in January.

"It is hard to know since you don't remember your last period. Even before you married you always had your periods every so irregularly. That even makes it harder. Besides I am just a regular doctor. Perhaps a gynecologist can do better than me."

Neda shook her head while crying:

"I'm not going to go to another doctor."

"But you must. I can't deliver babies. Well, I have a few times, but that is it. You must go to a specialist so he can properly take care of you."

"No, I won't!"

Her mother and the family doctor looked at each other and decided to let it go for now; but he said for final advice:

"My best guess is that you perhaps got pregnant right way; so we go from the date of your wedding. I am just going to ask you to take these vitamins that I write. In fact I have some here in my office that I'll give to you. You must eat. I know you don't feel like it, but not eating won't be good for you and your baby."

Going home from the doctor's office, Neda told her mother for the first time how unhappy she was:

"Mom, it was a mistake. I am sure dad set me up; and you never came to my rescue." Then she continued with her hysterical cry in the taxi that was taking them home.

"None of you foresaw this disaster. Sohrab noticed it, but then forgot about it!" Her anger mixed with her crying was unbearable for her mom to endure.

Mehri, whose own life had turned completely upside down, told her daughter that under the new circumstances, separation or divorce were out of question.

"You must tolerate this. You have no choice, sweet heart. If you weren't pregnant, perhaps your father would consider it, but not under this condition."

Neda cried harder and mumbled:

I don't want to be like you. I'll have an abortion."

The taxi driver looked in the rare view mirror at the mother and daughter who had put their personal grief on display.

Mehri reminded her that in their country, abortion was illegal.

"It's just illegal, especially as far advanced as you're. The only possible way for abortion is when the mother's life is in true danger."

Neda thought about how could she endanger her life so she could have an abortion. What she did not know, even though she had highly improved mind for her age, was that she was still a child. Even for an adult woman without her husband's consent, abortion could not be performed even if the mother's life was in danger. She did not know that a woman could not even get a passport without her husband or father's approval. She just had forgotten that women were the second rate citizens. An uneducated, good for nothing man had more rights than a woman who was a medical doctor.

That night in her own apartment, she felt that she was all alone in this obscure sea of sadness. Her beautiful soul suddenly wanted to destroy everything admirable around her. She wanted to be rescued from this fishnet she was caught in. The only people she thought might help her, were her cousin, Maryam, and her brother. It would be nice to talk to a woman friend who genuinely liked you, who understood your situation. But realizing that her cousin's words, being a young, unmarried woman, did not have any weight with her family, she decided to talk to Sohrab. She recalled the kind words of Sohrab on her wedding night. She was certain of his true love for her. If her brother could not help her, no one could!.

The sickness was unbearable. It appeared to her that now that everyone knew and she knew herself that her condition was not only her unhappiness, her indisposition became worse than before. The physical change in her ability felt horrible. Her entire system had changed. Food did not taste good. What was the sense of eating when she vomited right away and could keep nothing down even for a half an hour? there was only one thing that taste good to her and she could hold it in her stomach, and that was ice cream. Now her freezer was filled with buckets of ice cream, mostly strawberry ice cream. She normally had a bucket of it in front of her while studying. She did not care anymore that she was a broken down pregnant teenager, who had gone to a marriage so her father can have a peaceful life with his second wife. Her determination to get her high school diploma was the only prospective she had in her life then. The ice cream would melt and became like a pink color milk in front of her on the dining table; but she would not see it. No one could stop her love affair she had found with ice cream.

Mansour most of the time, did not dare to force himself on her; and without drinking wine which she could not anymore because of her pregnancy, there would was no way that she could go through it. But every once in a while while she was asleep, he would take her like a hungry dog. In those occasions, the scene that Neda made, could be heard around the block. After those sneaky ones, every time he gave her a hint, she became hysterical and broke down and threatened to run away. Most nights, she ended up to sleep on the sofa. She blamed marriage and love making on her current situation. She pondered how selfish her husband was to ask her for a thing that she was not capable of giving it. She thought that egocentric people only considered their own distress and displeasure were more important than anything else in this world! How could not they see other people's irritation and pain?

Mansour, who had only one more semester of college left to finish, thought that he was a real scholar; therefor, he could not enjoy his life because what he knew where only the things he was taught, nothing more or less. He had never learned about simple concepts of life, people, emotions, short comings, and joys or sorrows. He saw this simple parade of life, but never was freed his own hungry self, never completely understood the splendor of things, never had his conscious passionately converted into animated thoughts, into fervor of an excitement, or a drive for accomplishment; he was nevertheless apprehensive, not lively, and he was definitely was short- sighted.

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- Eight- [=][=] The Others

When school started in September, Neda who was feeling sick, got even worse. She was feeling ill in her stomach for a while now; but she had always thought when some one's soul was sick, her body would break down, too. Every morning she woke up, nauseating, and vomiting. She began the morning with no appetite. She used to love breakfast. In fact, breakfast had always been the best meal of the day for her. Now not only she could not eat in the morning, she felt sick, very sick all day. She began losing weight. Finally one day her mother, Mehri, took her attention from herself and looked at her daughter with curiosity. She noticed the blue ring around her eyes one evening when they were having dinner at their home.

"What is wrong, honey? Are you sick?" She asked Neda in front of everybody. Neda raised her head from staring at her food with disgust and looked at the gazing of her family.

"Are you talking to me, mom?" There was a film of tears glistening in her eyes.

All of the sudden, everyone looked at her and for the first time they all noticed her pale face and puffy eyes and her thin body. Mehri noticed that she should have asked that question when she was alone with her daughter. A sudden terror, yet joy shivered Mehri. However since everyone had suddenly become interested in Neda's sickness, Mehri said:

"Yes, honey, I was talking to you. You don't look like yourself at all..."

Mansour was the one who answered Mehri instead of Neda. Perhaps he wanted to show to Neda's family that he cared:

"I've noticed it, too. She refuses to tell me what is wrong with her! Maybe she tells you..."

Neda unexpectedly broke in tears. Now that all had noticed, she, herself discovered that she really was not feeling good. It was not only the sickness of her soul, but also the sickness of her body. Since she refused to answer her mother, Mehri turned to Mansour and asked him:

"Have you taken her to the doctor? What are the symptoms?"

"I don't know!" He began. "She goes to the bathroom and lock the door from inside. She won't tell me anything. But I know that she vomits."

Suddenly Sohrab, Neda's brother brought both his hands with force on the table.

"She is pregnant. You got her pregnant!"

The word "pregnant" had never entered Neda's mind. She was feeling sick for a few months; but she related this physical sickness to her emotional affliction. No, it could not happen to her! How could she endure this? She was so frightened to hear the word pregnant, that all her family saw it in her eyes. She put her hand on her forehead and smoothed her hair back and wiped the bead of sweat that were covering her face. Outside a precipitous thunder smothered the sky and the light in the dinning room became murky.

A tormenting struggle was happening in Neda's heart. Her eyes were rainy with a violent agony, with a fierce hatred, and with a strong yearning for love. Her brother now was standing behind her chair and massaging her shoulders. Sima, father's second wife was also standing next to her chair. However, her mother, father, and husband did not move. They were all in shock. They were not sure this stupor was a joyful one or an agonizing one. It was Sohrab, who at this point hugging his sister's head standing behind her chair, who said:

"Mom, you're a woman; you're her mother. Why didn't you know? Don't you think it's enough to feel sorry for yourself and think a little about your own child?"

Mehri said nothing. For Neda, this was a tragedy at the time that she had made up her mind to break this marriage for ever! It seemed though that real catastrophe of life always would happen in an inauspicious manner and time. This disaster most definitely afflict pain on her by its coarse affect, by its deficiency, and by its complete lack of style. She knew it would leave her a terrible impression just as indecency would transform her.

To Be Continued