Odyssey...~~ 38- Other-Half, Lila

*

Here I am at the edge of fading completely into the universe of uncertainly. As I lose my brilliance and sense of being, I languish for a double life I have had with Hana without ever being totally whole. Even though I was sometimes a toy, other times a comforter, occasionally a problem solver, seldom a game, and mostly her artistic sense, the one who wrote, and bled poetry for Hana. As time passed, her dynamic vitality, something she was not aware that she had it, made me stronger and stronger. When I became strenuous, she lost wholeness, as though by giving power to me she had nothing left for herself. However, I stood by her, helped her, and practically raised her sons.

She will write many other poetry and novels, since I can see the future; as I can see her in the airplane now, flying to one of the most beautiful countries in the word, sitting side by side to a man who used to be her fiance, and both are catching up on the stories of an almost two years separations. But somehow I can not see what their future plan would be. That part, she has put a ban on and I can not predict what they will do. Will it be marriage or just friendship? I can not say!

When I look at myself and then her, all I see is our withered faces and dull eyes, as though life is gone from our soul and spirits. Our hair have turned mostly gray. How old are we? I think it is almost forty seven now, and look at us. I see strands of gray hair among the teeth of her comb every time she combs her hair. She has cut her hair short, very short for the first time. It really hurt when she did it; but I guess that is another form of punishment because she has always blamed herself for everything. It burned me out when she broke with Mario. He is a good man and I thought by having him I might get released from her body cage and fly out to where I belong without being worried for her. But look at her now, look at the glow in her eyes, sitting next to Mario in the airplane and sipping her wine. Look at how the life and color have returned to her face as though she and the woman of a only few hours ago are two different people. I wonder how Mario manages to be in the same plain and going to Italy exactly the same time as her. This can not be a coincidence. I bet Valery had something to do with it. I recall that she was asking Hana many questions about her flight, and then she drove her to the airport. When Hana asked her to stay with her till her flight time, she came with an excuse that she could not stay. Now I know what has happened. What a friend? They met because of Valery, and Now it is Valery that is trying to get them back together. As I see the vivid splendor in her eyes and the blossoming blush on her cheek now, it reminds me more and more that I have to leave her soon anyway. But this everlasting leaving of mine is not because of her finding another other- half, but it is because she she enough stamina of her own. "What am I for anymore? Nothing!" Can you imagine being faithful to her all our lives? Now she does not even recognize me. However, I have begged her to give me a little more time to finish what I started. First she agreed; but she changed her mind right away and said:

"I want to finish it of my own choosing. No more influence from you." By the way I have just found a poem she wrote when she was only eighteen years old. Can you believe how old she felt at the young age?

"I was in youth's dynasty.

Those periods are gone free.

In bitter, grievous desires I put above,

Or sweet, melodious, and promising love,

* My youth, all of it, has vanished.

I came across the old age and despair;

Wearing the gray color on my hair.

I think again of bitter love and fame;

But none of us knows each other's name.

* My youth, all of it, has vanished."

I guess she wrote this one after Saeid's suicide. I remember what she went through while was not able to talk to anyone or show her grief. When someone goes through what she has, all those experiences make that person like an adamant piece of stone. I think things were not that bad on many occasion, but this last one, the death of her little boy is the worst for any mother especially a mom like Hana.

We will have a break from what will happen in Italy, and go back to when her book was published. What an immediate success. Among all the congratulatory cards she receives for her book, one of them is from Mario. She recognizes his hand writing. After three days stubbornly adamant not to open the envelope, she finally opens it. But first smells it, maybe she can savor the pleasant aroma of his cigar. She conjures up another time, to be exact twenty nine years ago, when she read Saeid's letter in Behroz's room. An inconsolable pain grabs her heart. She wonders if he did not commit suicide, and they got married, what would be different in her life! Would she come to America, or become a writer? Would she be a happy person, or happiness is something from within not from outside! she is not sure. As she stares at Mario's card for a while, she finally finds the courage to read it. Searching for her glasses, she knocks down the ashtray full of ashes and cigarette butts on the floor. "I can clean it later." And she reads:

"My dearest Hana, am I allowed to tell you my deepest joy for the success of your book? I believed in you when you doubted yourself. I am so honored that at one point I was your friend or may be more... You don't have to answer me if you don't want to. But remember in my heart you're still my precious Hana. Love, Mario."

She never answers.

Let's take another break from Italy. When she returns home from hospital after trying to kill herself by starvation, I find this other poem about her doctor, her God:

"I have a check up for I am sick.

I go to God to cure me very quick.

My temperature is very high.

God says anxiety may make me die!

He says loneliness changes mood;

It stops the flow of blood from my soul's food.

My eye sight, my hearing, my bones all seem to be gone.

Since I can't hear God's words, I must be done.

A glass of thankfulness, in the morning, I drink.

He writes to take a spoonful of relaxation with his ink.

At bed time, I take a pill of praise.

Hoping God throws me some sun rays.

After each storm, I want him to send me breeze.

After each tear, I want him to give me ease.

'whatever I am', in conclusion, I believe

Is mistaken by 'whatever I must achieve.'"

*

In the bumpy road of Hana's life, when she finally gains her appealing drawing power back and becomes mature, there is no place for me anymore; nevertheless, I have to finish her story. That desire enables me to just hang on to end what I have started. Now the story, her story has ended and published, but has it? It seems to me it is just beginning. I still can see her in the airplane sitting next to Mario. Soon she will join her family. Soon she will have a grandson. But from this point, it is her job to write or not to write. I think she will. I am dying, fading, as it happened to many of our loved ones in this story. We have not planed it this way. They have just happened that way. In every death in her family, when the transient depression and nihilism occupied her entity, it was me who has brought her back and made her more affective, for the memory of the dead lives in living.

Now, at this point, when she is in the plane next to Mario, one man, who truly has never stopped loving her, I am needed no more. She is mature. She can handle life from now on, even if more catastrophes happen. I have no doubt about it. I am tired anyway. As we began our odyssey of our minds and double lives as a joke, escape, or loneliness, I helped her to go through what you have witnessed.

I am her other- half, double, Lila, remember.

******************************* THE END *******************************

After a few days of break, You will read another novel of mine Named "SECRETS".

I hope you stay with me for more of my literary works.

Odyssey... 38- Other-Half, Lila

Hana arranges her travel plans a few months ahead. For the first time, she decides to do something nice for herself so she can prove to the good doctor that she has learned "SELF WORTH". She buys first class ticket. The price is a lot different, but she is certain that the comfort level would be priceless. She begins shopping for her son, Sylvie and the baby. She has this intuition that the baby will be boy. Soon they will know. Sylvie's doctor has done a sonogram last week, but he said that he could not say since baby's back was shown. Hana has always had this instinctual perception that most of the time has been true. Since the return of Rita from Italy when she heard the news of Sylvie's pregnancy, she is positive that the baby is boy, another Sam, just like her mother's situation. She believes it can not be any other way. She concludes that her Sam is about to be reborn, since the baby is due in May, the same month Sam was born. Her job these days besides going to work, is shopping for her family and the baby boy clothes and toys. Two months before her departure, Farhad calls her with a news that she has already known it.

"Mom, the baby is boy. Doctor told us yesterday."

"I know it sweetheart!"

"How do you know, mom?

"Never mind. How is Sylvie? I know Rita is already there. When does her father come?"

"He is coming a few days after you."

"What are you going to do with all these people in your small apartment? Rita told me that you have a very small place."

"Why are you asking? I hope you're not planning to stay in a hotel!"

"Oh, no, no, I won't be any where but where all you guys are."

"How do you feel, mom? I know you were sick."

"I'm fine . It was some kind of stomach virus." She does not not want Farhad to know about her starving herself to death. Rita has promised her not to talk about it even to her daughter.

"Mom, one more thing I want to ask you! Is it okay with you if we name the baby Sam?"

"What else can you name him?"

As for the first time Hana using her vacation for enjoyment, one thing gradually begins to prick her like an old wound. Is she going to be able to return to America after being with the baby for three weeks? She really wants to raise the baby, just like her mother, who raised her babies so she can work and go to school; nevertheless her Independence is very important to her, is part of who she is. Without that, she would lose all sense of her liberty and self reliance. In the last session she has had with Dr. Barbara, she discuss this with her.

"I agree with you hundred percent. I am sure they will return to the States one day. They will not stay in Italy for ever. You can go there couple of time a year. You can help them financially so they can finish their college faster, but living with them or close to them and becoming a baby sitter will take your sense of freedom and independence. You'll be miserable. You know it and I know it. That is why you're talking about it."

"You right Dr. B. As much as I want to be with the baby, my situation with my mother is very different. I've been working and supporting others for all my adult life time. You're right. Helping and becoming a baby sitter are two different things."

When Hana leaves Dr. Barbara's office, the good doctor says to herself:

"She is cured now."

The day of the reckoning arrives. She goes to the airport three hours ahead of her flight. Soon she will see her family, the only ones that are left or care. In a few days she will be with Sam again as though her life is repeating itself. As her flight number moves up on the screen of the monitor, she goes back and forth outside to smoke cigarette. At one point, she thinks her watch has stopped working. The paranoia returns. She asks a few people for the time and compares it with her watch. She knows that her watch has not stopped. She goes outside again.

Sitting on the bench, while a warm breeze of April moves through her body, she smokes while conjuring up and dreaming. Her life to her, is like a story that getting to its end. In fact, she has told Lila, her other- half, that this must be the last chapter since after this she wants to do the writing herself and she wants to live a privet life; therefore, she does not need her anymore. As memories appear in the circle of smoke that coming out of her mouth, she suddenly smells a familiar scent. The furrow between her eyebrow deepens. While she searches with her eyes for the one his cigar smoke at one point gave her so much pleasure. She can not believe what she sees. Mario is standing there, right behind the bench she is sitting, smoking his cigar and watching her.

"What are you doing here, Mario? Did Valery tell you about me being here?" Her voice does not show any rudeness but it is sweet.

"No, she didn't. I am going to Italy. I needed to get away for a while. " He sits next to her on the bench.

"Really! I am going to Italy, too. I'm going to be a grandma in a couple of days."

"That is wonderful. There is no joy better than having a grandchild. What time is you flight?" He is overwhelmed with rapture.

"I am flying at seven."

"Oh, my God, we'll be in a same plane." He says joyously.

"Where in Italy are you going?" She asks.

"I'll stay in Rome for a few days and then I am going to Roccamontepiano, Abruzzi, a village that my mother was born. I want to be with my cousins for a while. I always find peace there. Where in Italy you go?"

Hana pictures a village with kind people who live simple life.

"I'm going to Rome and then to Florence with a train."

As they are comfortably sitting next to each other on the bench, she devours the aroma of his cigar realizing how much she has missed that smell. The silence falls while Mario looks at her, who has aged so much in two years. He remembers their passionate and eternal love. He has never stopped loving her.

"Can I sit next to you in the plane?" He says it in a way that sound more like begging."

"I'm flying first class."

"Me, too!" Mario says it with a sweet smile in his face.

"I haven't gotten my boarding pass but they have assigned me seat two.

"Mine is four. But I am sure we can arrange to sit next to each other specially after how much we have paid for our tickets."

"Let's go in and get our boarding passes. We can ask for two seats next to each other."

"Oh, Hana, I like that."

*

To Be Continued

Odyssey...}~}37- Spark in Darkness

In the hospital they treat Hana for lack of nutrition. Rita visits her faithfully everyday. Valery finds out about Hana's apparent intention of killing herself by starvation from Rita. She also visits her everyday. While healing slowly, Hana realizes that besides blood family, there are good people in the world that truly care for her. Many of her colleagues visit her. Baskets of flowers are brought to hospital, some of them from people who she even does not know. She assumes they are people from people from work. Her boss comes one evening and stays for a few hours.

When she is well enough after a week and half being in the hospital, she finally admits to the plan of killing herself by starvation, something the hospital staffs have already known. But her confession makes it easier for them to keep her in hospital longer, so she can see a psychiatrist. They tell her without her permission (Dr. Barbara), they can not release her. perhaps they are afraid they she will harm herself again. Hana knows that she won't. Now she has something to live for just like her mother after the death of her brother, when she gave birth to Farhad and she held him for the first time.

In her everyday session with Dr. Barbara, Hana, for the first time, opens her heart with all its suppressed emotions and feelings. She talks about her life to the good doctor. She recalls her mother's insanity after Van's murder by Savak. She tells the doctor that while no one could do anything to cure her, then it came her first grandson. She tells that her son was her mother's unfounded medicine, while the best doctors, even the fortune tellers, and some magical powers that were used in those days could not do anything for her mother, her son did.

"My mother looked at my baby when I came home from hospital and said that he is her dead son. After that she was just cured. Just like that."

Hana puts a lot of emphasis on the similarity of her case and her mother's case. She, who wanted to end her life only a couple of weeks earlier, now has so much to live for. Her entire existence and entity and her lost love of Sam are now gathered only in one thing, one reason, her grandchild. Now she finally understands her mother, who has died thirteen years ago. She says to Dr. Barbara that she wants to go to Italy before baby is born and be with Farhad and his family. The good doctor recognizes all of these; however she insists on Hana to practice the concept of the "Self Worth".

"Without self worth, without respecting yourself, and valuing your own life and well being, you can not love another human being, you can not even be a good grandmother."

Hana has studied and read many things about Self Worth, Self Respect. She agrees with the concept in her mind but not in her heart. Dr. Barbara is too smart if Hana decides to lie to her. She is determined to get better. She talks about Mario, about the relationship they have had, about how much she misses him.

"Here we go. You can start here. Don't you think you need an apology to him. He may not be available to you anymore, you understand that?! Are you ready to face that?"

Hana thinks hard and deep.

"I want to be with him and pick up from where we left; but if he is not available anymore I understand it. I am not going to go to pieces over it."

After another week in hospital and having a session with Dr. Barbara everyday, she is finally released from hospital. But the good doctor tells her that she needs to continue these sessions once a week in her office. Rita comes to hospital and kindly drives her to their home. After a few days spending at Sylvie's parents home, She can convince them to let her go home.

As color returns to her face, energy enlightens her eyes, and hope shines in her tortured body, she slowly gains some weight back, and gradually begins enjoying food again. Her performance at work becomes at its highest and the owner awards her with a big raise. She makes passionate calls to Italy every late in the evening which is their morning to hear all the news about Sylvie's well being and condition. When she hears about the baby's first kick, Hana joyously screams as though the fetus has kicked in her womb. She sees Dr. Barbara every week. She does all the things she is supposed to do except contacting Mario for apology. She is too ashamed to do that. She is just looking forward to go to Italy before the birth of the baby and be with her family.

Her poems once again become an important part of her life. As she goes deeply into her awareness so she can write them as poems, she discovers how much she misses Mario; nevertheless, she is too stubborn to listen to Dr. Barbara, or too shameful for her behavior and decides to completely forget about this one thing. The good doctor tells her that she is again hurting herself by refusing to contact Mario; but she stays adamant. Her bleeding pen only writes the things that have been the worst in her life, when soon she she will face the best . She reads one of her newly written poem over and over only to find out that she has only spoken of Mario in it:

"Since the yellowish sun rays over waves

have faded away and the billow raves,

Pain has raised me for years.

~

Then it came you, calling me to a different path.

You were a friend carried so much wrath.

And I broke my silence, we mingled.

~

The exalted night gave up magic, became short.

Our sights lost vagueness of such sort.

And sun's color was unveiled.

~

Thirsty plants were drowned in water

When my uproarious soul caught in clutter.

Thinking of years, how they have passed?!

~

When the autumn filled the world with mist,

The glimmer changed colors in strange twist.

My blood turned inward of anguish.

~

Like an old, forgotten song, I became afraid.

My body of woe carried sorrows and wondered.

And you took a glimpse into obscurities of my eyes.

~

You wanted me in the path, but the air was dark.

Every night I grieved if the day would have spark.

And when the day came to the door, I yearned the night.

~

To Be Continued

Odyssey...~{~37- Spark in Darkness

Inside Hana's apartment , where the blinds are drawn permanently, in the darkness, she like a stray dog paces the small apartment, exasperating every night. Rita, Sylvie's mom, has offered her to go to Italy with her for Sylvie's graduation only a year after they left America. She is planning to go for her graduate study. Farhad has still a long way to go, since he started much later. She thinks about their ages. She thinks about if Farhad has done what Sylvie has been doing all along, he should have graduated way before Sylvie considering, he is a year older than her. Hana meanly and stubbornly refuses Rita's offer for the joyous visit to their children just to be doleful; and just to plan her final days. She even gets angry at Farhad when he insists on her going to Italy with Rita, as though some one has violated her freedom. Her attitude these days is: "Leave me alone, all of you good people out there!" She does not return Valery's numerous calls; whence, Valery does not have any news from her to tell Mario, who calls her everyday and asks her about Hana.

Hana's life is summarized only in going to work every morning and coming home every evening. The walls of her apartment are covered with Sam's pictures from all walks of his short life, from birth to his death. As she sits mostly on the floor and looks at the photo albums, anything to remind her of past and gone, her ashtray becomes her best friend. She sees the picture of his brother, Van; and suddenly discovers something. Her brother and son were the same age when they died. They both died by the hand of someone else; Van by the hand of The Shah's Savak and Sam by the hand's of American Technology, what a bizarre phenomenon!

Her food is only cereal and even that is so little that does not even fill a bird. She intentionally wants to hurt her body by not eating. She has decided that the best way to die is not eating. It is going to be a slow and painful death but it is better than having an accident by car, since that way, she will hurt someone else, too. Slowly food becomes a pungent habit and anytime she smells the neighbor's food through the ventilation, she vomits. As she becomes weak and loses so much weight, some of her colleagues at work, who show concern about her well being and in a meeting with the owner of the company, they tell him about Hana's health and state of mind. He, who is busy making more profit for Hana's continuous and faithful effort and hard work, suddenly notices that they are right.

The next day he calls her in his office and only then he sees how frail and colorless this woman looks.

"I know what you have been through Hana, but that doesn't mean you hurt yourself by not eating!"

"How do you know I am not eating? " Hana is not afraid to show her annoyance.

"I don't have to know. I have eyes and I can see, What are you doing? Do you want to kill yourself? How old are you know? Is it forty six? Look at you in one years you have aged so much that you look like a sixty years old woman. I know that is not a politically correct thing to say, but I am saying it to make you aware of what you're doing to yourself!"

Hana controls herself of hearing the word "kill", and stubbornly looks at her boss.

"Why every time someone loses weight, people thinks she is dying?!"

"Hana, stop arguing with me. You've been my best employee and I truly care for you. Let me help you!"

Hana thinks about the words "truly care for you", and in her speaking mind says: "You truly care for profit." But to her boss, she says:

"I am fine. I don't need help."

"Oh, God, you're so stubborn. Listen, I am meeting some of my buyers tonight in a restaurant. I want you to go with me."

"You've never invited me before for such things. If this is an order and part of my job, I go with you, if not, I don't like to socialized these days."

Even though his talking to Hana makes her realize that there are still people who care; yet she does not go. She hates when friends or in this case boss interfere with her freedom and privet life.

She remembers a dream, a far past thought, when she was only a teenager, when her parents moved to the house in the dead end alley. Then she sat on the bed on her closet- like room, gazing at the red curtains hanging on the windowless wall. At that moment she saw herself just as she is now. She visioned herself in ten years, twenty years,... in the same room, living the same sort of solitary life. As the thought, then, shuddered her, it does the same now. At least on that occasion, she had a hope, a gloomy dream which echoed in her mind: "My solitary nights come to an end when a special morning comes!" She remembers that poem, a poem of hope and better future. She really expected to encounter "A Special Morning"! Now there is not any future and past is gone. Never she wakes up to a "Special Morning".

When Rita, Sylvie's mom returns from Italy, She rapturously calls Hana.

"Sylvie is four months pregnant. We're going to be grandmas!"

Hana has not been able to go to work for the last three days for her extreme weakness. People from work are really concerned for her well being, and they are planning to send someone to her home today. Her voice on the phone is barely audible.

"Are you okay? What is wrong Hana? " Rita quizzes her.

Hana has only heard the word, "Pregnant, Grandmas". As she is fading away into a dominating disease which is hunger, those words echo in her mind over and over. She finds enough strength to say one word to Rita:

"Help!"

To Be Continued

Odyssey...~~37- Spark in Darkness

*

Why every time success and superficial happiness finds a way entering one's life, a fiery outburst also strives to take away that shadowy flicker? As Hana withers in her quiet rage and depression, she generates envy to an outsider, even though she has not changed her life style at all after the favorable outcome of her book. She still lives in that one bedroom apartment she got after Farhad left her. She recalls times that she had a hard time to even buy grocery because of the heavy debt that Hamid had accumulated with his traveling and drinking and... That is not the case anymore. Those days, she yearned to have money one day, now that she is well off, the money seems to be like dirt to her. She keeps enough for herself to pay rent and bills, ad send the rest of it to Italy to her son and daughter- in- law. In fact, by doing this, Farhad and Sylvie are able to concentrate more on their school and less on working.

In the shadow of her house, The solitary Hana, who at one point was full of electrifying energy, becomes a haunting pathos and of the past. The omen of her dead son provokes the last trace of pride that is left in her heart. Throughout her life, nature has always given her a joyous comfort; nevertheless, she can not even find exultation under the blue sky or tall trees in the park across from her apartment. Besides work, the park is as far as she goes these days. She refuses the invitation of her best friend, Valery, to spend time with her, or the concern of Sylvie's family especially Rita, her mother. When she goes out into the nature, under the azure sky and blue air, her face becomes damp, and only then she realizes that the sentence of her death must be carried out soon. If she has not done that yet, is only for one reason- what will Farhad feel when he hears about his mother's death? In the exasperated silence and fearful solitude, repentance and guilt incite her conscience. The image she has always had from herself, slowly fades away into a universe of uncertainly. The color of her face is a mournful glow of fall, color of her hair is a shivering overbearance of snow, and the color of her clothes are dismal obscurity of darkness.

There is only one more thing left for her to do- she wants to die in style not in perplexity. She wants her death to be announced for natural causes not suicide. How will she do it? How can she make herself so sick that no doctor can cure her? Or maybe an accidental death is a better choice! While thinking about a plan, she prepares a will. Everything goes to her son, Farhad, and any future royalty of her book also goes to him. She decides before coming with a plan of action, to burn all her writings. Those are her soul and spirit and must go with her; But she will do that on the last minute. A wave of nostalgia fills her ashen heart, the same heart that at one point resisted the most daily trauma of life's reality. She can not help a knot forming in her throat and as her eyes fill with tears, she smells once more the aroma of a cigar of one true man she loved. The urge to be with Mario again and to be intimate with him paralyzes her to the core of her gravity as she remembers him- a man who wanted to make her his queen. Her soul brightens for a moment with the nostalgia of her lost dreams, and suddenly she feels so cold, so tired, and so far away from the best memories of her life that she even wishes for ones that she recalls as the worst. Only then, she envisions that how much she has missed the smell of her mother's cooking when every evening she came home from work or school; and how much she has missed the smell of roses in the dusk in grandpa's garden, when she stayed there on weekends and holidays as a teenager to read him Shahnameh (The book of Kings). She remembers Behroz and their Secret Society and realizes how much she misses this one true friend she ever had which was also her uncle; therefore there was no objection from her parents for her to have a male friend. She visited him every evening after school. It was mostly him that introduced him to all these wonderful literature . She thinks about how he took his life. She thinks of his daring act. "If he could do it, I can, too."

To Be Continued

Odyssey...37- Spark in Darkness

In August of 1991, Farhad and Sylvie leave America for Italy but not before getting married in a small ceremony in Sylvie's parents' restaurant. Hana, for the first time puts something beside black on for the wedding. Her Conservative outfit for her son's wedding is a blue chiffon dress, one of her own design, that she has made for the company she works. She wears no make up. Valery insists that she should dye her hair for the wedding, but she refuses. It is unbelievable that how her hair has turned gray in eight months since the death of Sam. That evening, after the wedding is over, the bride and groom, who have already given up their apartment and living temporary with Sylvie's parents, spend the night in a hotel. They are leaving for Italy In two days.

When Hana returns home from the wedding, she puts her black gown on; she remembers the gown is one of many gifts that Mario has given her when they were engaged. Now she is beginning her newest version of life, almost without anyone. She stares at her lifeless eyes, skinny cheeks, and her gray hair in the mirror. "I am old now." In the hot temperature of August, she shivers in her bed and thinks desperately about life and its meaning. "Why do people strive so much?" She remembers herself when she was working so hard to support her family after her father's death and going to school at the same time. "What for?" Now that she has lots of money, life is meaningless. All the people she cared for so much are either dead or have forgotten her. "My sisters and brother don't even write me a letter anymore!" Her Sam, part of her, her son, who was so much like her, is dead. "Oh, God, Why him, not me?" She has rejected the only man who truly loved her. "Oh, Mario, I need you!" Her life is an empty hole. She recalls that throughout her life her writing has always given her a powerful sense of motivation which has made her to go on, to endeavor, and to fight, and to prevail. "There is nothing else to fight for." Lila, her other half, she created when she was only a child, now seems a stupid and silly act. "She doesn't leave me alone." Mesa, her imaginary friend before she created Lila, is now all forgotten. "Those days were all about tall figure."

As her eyes loses the intensity to stay awake and her muscles begins to relax, suddenly she conjures up one more thing, her home land, a land that viciously threw her out and murdered her brother, Van. Notwithstanding, she feels a despondent longing for that sacred land, for that simple way of living, when everyone knew their neighbors. Here she does not even know who her neighbors are. As she intentionally refuses to sleep, as though that is a way for punishing herself, she gets up, staggering into the dark living room. Suddenly she remembers Saeid, her first love, who killed himself in a violent way for her. "Was that for me or get even with me?" She gets to the living room, puts the light on, and sits on her favorite place on the sofa, where at one night she drank and drank. She puts her ashtray on the end table, strives to write a poem, perhaps that gives her a little comfort. The last time she wrote anything was eight months ago. Her books will be out in a few weeks and it does not mean anything to her. Her poetry book is buried somewhere in closet and she has not opened it since Sam's death. Now she wants to write. What a foolish idea! But sometimes Foolish ideas are best ideas. She starts a cigarette and begins writing about if she was still a child:

"When we were children, we had big hearts!

Now that we are grown, our hearts shrivel to nothing!

What if our hearts stayed as big as when we were children!

What if we were still children, so people can read words in our eyes!

What if we didn't need speaking to talk!

What if we used our eyes for talking!

What if our hearts were painted on our faces!

But now no one can hear us if we scream!

So we must choose silence when we grow up!"

Suddenly she notices that the ash of her cigarette has fallen of her leg and not only has made a hole on her gown, it has burned her leg, too. With the back of her hand, she removes the ash and then continues writing:

"Look at this world!

When we were children, rain always poured from sky!

Now that we are grown, rain comes from our eyes!

When we were children, people noticed our rainy faces!

Now that we are grown, no one can see our sobbing!

When we were children, we were not ashamed to cry!

Now that we are grown, we cry hidden and in solitude!

When we were children, no one could break our hearts!

And if they did, it was just for a little while!

Now that we are grown, our hearts break and stay broken!

We stretched our arms wide to measure our love!

Now that we are grown, our love is little, or big, and nothing in between!

What if we still can stretch our arms wide to measure our love!

When we were children, our desires were small, our wants were little!

Now that we are grown, our smallest desires are our biggest wants!

When we were children, adults listened to our pains!

Now that we are grown, our pains our plenty, and nobody listens!

When we were children, we were children!

Now that we are grown, we are not grown, and we are not children!"

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~{`}~ 36- The Legend of Predicament

And Waiting, and waiting,

When fianlly Mario comes inside, Hana thinks she is ready to participate in the funeral of her son, Sam, what her mother could not do for her son, Hana's brother, Van.

"We can leave now." Mario whispers.

"Not you Mario. You're night a family. Get out of my house. Get out of my life. I don't want to see you again!"

Hana had no idea that she is going to say these things to her fiance. Her voice is sharp and has passed its prime. Mario lowers his head and picks up his briefcase and leaves without argument or one word.

"Mom, Why did you do that. It's not his fault that Sam is dead." Farhad, crying, says.

"That is my business. If I wasn't playing around, this wouldn't happen!"

Sylvie squeezes Farhad's arm to stay silent. She can see the tense situation and she is afraid that Hana may even throw her out.

In the cemetery, Hana has special place as the next of kin of the nineteen years old soldier. Farhad and Sylvie stand behind her. Sylvie's parents, Valery and her husband and most people from Hana's work have come. The military funeral is splendid and honorable. A big picture of Sam in uniform decorates the coffin which is enveloped in American Flag. Baskets of flowers are brought by the people whether they know Hana or not. Her son receives three gun salutes. Right before the burial, the folded American flag, which Hana missed seeing how it has been done since her eyes have been covered with a film of haze, is brought to her, and she uses her last energy to give her son the respect he deserves by not sobbing. At the end the tone of Taps over the grave, as the final bugle of the night Sam had heard overseas, finishes the glorious ceremony. The sound manifests the birth of Sam's newest, final, uttermost, and boundless sleep.

Hana is aged in one week so much so as though she is sixty years old. Her shaking, however, is not for the cold, February afternoon, but it is for the life she must live from now until her time comes. In fact, if it was not for Farhad's sake, for he is almost equally affected by the impact of this tragedy, Hana will not see any reason for living anymore. She has nothing left to give her light or happiness, even her soon to be published book does not mean anything now. She intentionally tortures her for the relation with Mario and tries to connect this tragedy to her indecent act of being intimate while not being married. All old habits return to her and she begins to carry a morbid character just to punish herself, as she did while Hamid was alive.

Behind the fence of cemetery, where the funeral is in progress, Mario gets out of his decorated car and stand there watching from far. All his dream have vanished with this disaster; nevertheless, he has sensed this before happening and has tried in desperation not to believe it. While tears rushing down his face, he, for the first time, lets his emotions fill there loudly. A passerby stops and asks him if he is all right!

"Yes, thank you for asking. That is the funeral of my step son to be. I'm just very upset."

"Why aren't you there then? Wouldn't you want to be with his mother now?"

Mario, bewildered, looks at the old man. He has kind eyes:

"She just broke up with me."

~

Hana goes home to begin her solitary life. When Farhad offers to move back in with her, she says:

"Absolutely not. You must live your life and take care of Sylvie. You're having a wedding in six months."

"Oh, mom, who wants to talk about wedding now."

"I don't want you to change your plan. Sylvie is a perfect girl for you. I don't want you to lose her."

"What about you, mom? Are you going back to Mario? You really were rude to him, poor man!"

She looks angrily at her son.

"No, no, it's all my fault that Sam is dead. If I was not with Mario..."

Farhad has blamed himself for his brother joining military; but now he knows arguing with his mother in this situation won't have any result but upsetting her even more; therefore, he thinks about finding ways after wounds are healed, if they ever heal, to bring Mario and his mother back together again. He can not possibly tell her that Sylvie's scholarship has come through and they are planning to go to Italy soon, so she can study classical realism in the University of Florence. He does not know how he can handle leaving his mom here while he wants to be with Sylvie and travel to Italy and go to school there. Mario is the only solution to his dilemma. He desperately wants them together and may be one day they get married.

Three days later, Hana wraps her engagement ring and register mails it to Mario's house, she even insures the package. She debates of writing a note to him since she can not find any guilt in this man to deserve what she is doing to him, but she does not. She hates to write. The famous to be writer hates to write. Mario receives the ring he has given to Hana as the token of his love. He loses the last tread of hope of getting back with her. Hopeless and helpless, he does not know how to cope with these double tragedies, losing the woman that he loves and a future son he wanted to father. One thing he needs to do before cutting completely from Hana, though. He thinks about writing her a note, but he ends up leaving her a message on her recorder.

"Sweetheart, I don't have any hard feeling at all. Believe me I understand. I got your package. I wish you kept it but I won't insist. I want you to forget about our romance and engagement, but if you ever need a friend just to talk, I always be there for you. Remember no one ever dies as long as there is someone left to remember him. When there is no one left to remember, it doesn't matter anymore because we are all together."

On twenty eight of February, 1991, Saddam pulls away from Kuwait. The operation Desert Storm brings faith to Americans for their soldiers and pride for their country.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~{} 36- The Legend of Predicament

She buries her face in her hands and bursts into a frantic weeping. Meanwhile the belt of her robe opens and her naked body is completely exposed. She does not even notice that. Her hands are still on her face. Her fear and misery are mounting into a long pinnacle. The apex of her panic attack is like a meridian one reaches at the time of the intimacy. The Captain Helps her to lie down on the sofa. Except her black color underwear, she has nothing on. The embroidered blue and white robe is open and falling off her shoulder. Farhad runs to the bedroom and brings a blanket to cover his mother. Besides that act, when Farhad returns to the hallway and stands next to Mario and Sylvie, not an eye lid is moving. The world rings in her ears like the sound of so many howling animals, echoing in the far fathomless spirit that she has just lost; making forgotten memories to rock, and confused fears to wake; fear of hunger when they reached America, fear of Revolution, fear of void, fear of immigration, fear of losing her career, fear of attachment, fear of detachment, fear of living, fear of dying, fear of annihilation, fear of falling in love, fear of betrayal, fear of Hamid, and the paralyzing fears of everything, everywhere, and everyone. Hamid is dead! Sam is dead! Mom and dad are dead! Will she see them again? Will she hear from them again?

A motionless horror of loneliness grasps her. She sees herself standing alone and apart watching the world, a world that fades away, disappears; a world that used to have shadows and dreams, poetry, and creation. The Captain lays his hand on her face and says something; but she does not hear a word, a sound. She is gone, too, staggering through the shadows and reaching blindly through the darkness. Her soul dissolves into pathos. An unknown heat rushes through her head, and she falls unconscious, travels to where Sam is but can not reach him. Road blocks are everywhere. Again she sees the ship with so many windows and loud music she has seen in a nightmare some while ago; she sees all the dead ones standing in a row and bowing to her. They are all bones and no skin, but she recognizes them. The music is loud, but this time she can not hear their words like the last nightmare she has had. Her mouth is closed and dry. she is talking but no voice is coming out. She decides to join them.

A week later when Hana is released from hospital to be in Sam's funeral, her body is all black and blue of hitting herself in her entranced state of being. Her arms are all blue of the injections to find her veins when she was fighting the demons and evils in her stupefied predicament; and her spirit and soul are learning to be in a forbearing stoicism. She is like an animated corpse herself to go and put the corpse of her son into the ground. She walks without looking, talks without thinking, and listens without hearing.

Farhad and Sylvie help her to dress for the occasion, Sylvie put a soft make up on her face. She does not fight or object them. Sylvie tells her that she looks very pale. She listens but does not understand what Sylvie is saying. She lets them to pick her outfit, shoes, everything. The outfit is a black suit, one of her own design for the designer that she works. When Farhad helps her to get dressed, she does not even know that she is all naked in front of them. Mario is decorating his car with American flag and wreath of flowers. They are waiting for him to come home so they all go for this difficult task. Farhad is crying. Sylvie is hanging to him to comfort him. Hana is sitting on the sofa and is waiting, and waiting...

To Be continued

Odyssey... {~}36- The Legend of Predicament

{/}

When one of the American tragedy of the war happens on that mild January day, the dreams and hopes of those twenty eight who are killed vanish forever. They will not get to see their family and loved ones, their country, and the accomplishment of their goals; they never see the victorious America Pushes back Saddam out of Kuwait and they will pass "RESOLUTION" in UN, for no fly zones area in Iraq, instead of killing Saddam and cutting the head of snake. UN, the most corrupt international organization with its headquarter in New York, for the next ten years comes up with resolution after resolution, to keep Saddam in line. Why didn't America finish the job in 1991, is beyond the knowledge of the writer of these pages, but leaving international disputes to UN is one thing that shows corruption to its highest degree.

Sam never gets to write the letter he was about to write to his mother. When he was killed, he still had the piece of paper and a pen in his hand. The Scud Missile's aim has been Iraqi's vital organizations, but how could it make it there when the Scud falls apart in flight? The forward section of Scud, containing the explosive charge, falls on the barrack in Dhahran. The barrack explodes in flame like a ball of fire and many hopes fly like smoke including Sam's paper in his hand, which he wanted to write a sweet letter of love and acceptance to his everlasting depressed mother who has finally and for the first time was doing something wonderful for herself.

The television broadcasters report the tragedy right away. Very soon, they began showing pictures and videos of the burning barrack in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia. When Hana hears Dhahran, she knows instinctively that her son is among dead. The hot line number that next of kin have to contact military is busy and as she makes mistakes dialing the number, Mario and Farhad volunteer to do that. It takes them a few hours to get through while even after the conversation they still do not know anymore than before. The news is hazy. Hana tries to call many places, but nothing seems to work that evening. It is time for action not depression, one of Hana's good quality has always been to take action at the time of the crises, like what she did right after the death of her father, while everyone was mourning, eating, and driving her crazy.

Mario and Farhad in the kitchen whisper while Sylvie tries to distract Hana in the living room. In the next forty eight hours they hear about the dead and wounded, but they also hear about many who have survived; those are the people who left the barrack when they heard that high pitched sound of the Scud and ran for their lives as far as they could. Nothing, good or bad, make Mario, Farhad, and Sylvie to leave Hana's apartment for forty eight hours. No one sleeps, or eats a real meal or go to work. For Hana is only cigarette and prescription Valium she got from her doctor to make her able to go through this time and Mario forces her to take. For Mario is his cigar and coffee, and Farhad and Sylvie eat a little cereal once in a while.

It is a cold Friday morning, mid January, Hana is finally dozing because of the effect of Valium. Others are sitting around her in silence, knowing the tragic moments will come soon since the families of the survivors and wounded already know about the safety of their loved ones. It has been three days since the news of this tragedy has broken. When the bell rings, everybody flies to the door while Hana opens her eyes from the nightmare of the short sleep, all shaking and horrified. It is an army Captain in Uniform, handsome and young along with another soldier, a Sergeant. There is a deep sorrow, not a fake one in both faces and eyes. Mario and Farhad back up since they know, as the military custom is, they are there to see Hana. The Captain does not need to ask for Sam's mother, for it is very obvious among the four people in the house who the mother is. He can see the desperate Hana on the sofa with messy hair and red eyes, wearing only a robe, all open in front with only a tie at waist and exposing her legs. He comes close while the Sergeant follows him. He stands in front of her, the sergeant stands a few step back without speaking even a word. Farhad, Sylvie, and Mario are standing in the hallway that is parallel to the living room, all frozen with horror. Farhad is crying loud and uncontrollably.

As the Captain has done this loathsome job many times before, since his own injury and disability, somehow it seems to him that this one is the worst of all. But later in the car the sergeant who always accompanies him, reminds him that he always feels the same for all of the families that he informs them of the death of their loved ones. These two are American soldiers who have wounded and became disabled, some worse than others. Now their job is to inform families of death of their loved ones. He hates his job, so does the sergeant, but some one has to do it.

He stands there, looking at Hana. She looks at him as well with no tears but a feverish energy that pierces him through. He goes beyond his call of duty, which he has memorized them, "never touch anyone, never say any extra word, never stand there and begin a conversation." There are some phrases that he now knows them by heart. "Just say those words and no matter what happens, leave. One of those phrases is that "Pentagon will contact you for funeral arrangement."

As he tries to begin his duty, to inform this mother, somehow he goes beyond the call of duty. He stretches his hand and holds Hana's hand and then sits on the floor in front to her. The sergeant behind him is thinking, "What the h...he is doing?"

"I am so sorry..." He can not go on.

The sergeant behind him is thinking to report him for deviating from their routine informing.

Hana calmly says:

"please sit down on a chair. Farhad bring a cup of coffee for the Captain."

"No, madam, thank you. I am here to inform you...!"

"All right Captain, you're here to talk to Sam's mother, aren't you?"

"Yes, Aren't you Sam's mother?"

The sergeant standing in complete owe for what is happening. He has never seen anything like this. This Captain will be in a lot of problem if he reports him.

"Yes, I am Sam's mother." Hana begins. Suddenly she raises her voice in a way that no one in that room has ever heard. She gets up from the sofa with difficulty, putting her hands on her knees and pulls herself to standing position, and turns to Mario, Farhad, and Silvie. She raises her hand and points to the door while screaming: "Just throw these people out of my home. This is only for me to hear."

To Be Continued

Odyssey...~~ 36- The Legend of Predicament

~`~

Hana does not know how to tell Mario about her new decision of postponing their wedding to another time. In a conversation with Valery, her friend tells her that she must get hold of herself and do not make every one's life miserable. Valery tells her:

You can never find a man like Mario. I am not saying this because he is my cousin. You know it yourself."

Of course Hana knows it herself. She is truly in love with him; she respects him, she has so much in common with him. She knows all of that. She knows that she will disappoint her son, Farhad; but she just can not go through this supposedly joyful event because she feels that it is not fair to Mario to marry a woman with moods that swings up and down constantly and forcefully. She hates herself for this, but she is so depressed that her thoughts are on nothing but Sam. Sam all the time! She breathes Sam, lives for his safe return. She is also not sure if Sam has really approved this marriage. She is confused, doubtful. She wants to hear Sam says that he authorizes this, that he likes this, that it is good for his mother to do this, as her other son, Farhad, has done. She has not heard any of these from Sam. He has never had a chance to know Mario the way Farhad has. No matter what everyone says, even Valery's sarcastic remark that by not marrying Mario, she would be the loser not him, she still is not sure of anything. She thinks that perhaps Valery is right; nonetheless, she feels what she feels and she can not do anything about it. Finally one evening, when Mario is on a short trip for business, and Farhad and Sylvie are at her apartment, she talks to them about her feelings.

After the normal surprise and negative comments by Farhad and her fiance, when Hana is able to prove it to them that she could never find out how Sam felt about this, finally Farhad says:

"All right, mom! I don't like what you're doing, but I understand. Mario is a very sensitive and understanding man. He definitely gets hurt by this, yet he will recognize your confusion and your decision. I just hope you don't lose him because of this."

Sylvie agrees with Farhad. "Hana, if I may say, Mario has been very patient with you!"

Hana is somehow offended by what she hears. She thinks if Mario loves her enough, she will never lose him.

"So what if I lose him? If he leaves me because I want to wait for my son's safe return home and his approval, than he is not that good that you claim him to be."

Farhad and Sylvie thinks about what Hana says and without telling her, they agree with her even though a minute before they were thinking that she is a pain for any man.

Mario is back from his short trip on Saturday. He comes straight to Hana's home. After their normal talk about Sam and his trip, Mario, who has noticed a change in her right away, says in a very gentle way:

"What is sweetheart? What is bothering you? You have something in mind. Do you wan to tell me? Has anything happened while I was gone?"

There is deafening silence for a while which seems to Mario as a long time. He is guessing what the issue is. He is knowing it for a while, but he has hoped beyond hope that it is not true. When finally she starts talking, he feels certain exactly how the conversation will go.

"I was thinking..."

She can not finish what she wanted to say. He comes to her help:

"Do you want to postpone the wedding?"

"How do you know what I wanted to tell you?"

"I know you sweetheart. Actually I was thinking about it myself." He lies to make her feel better. Then he continues:

"You're absolutely right. I don't think it is right for us to marry if Sam is not back. Let's postpone the wedding. Let's say if Sam is back before Valentine's day, perhaps we have a small ceremony and get married, if not, then we wait until he comes back."

Hana is very thankful to this angel of man; however she never tells him about her apprehension of getting married at all.

As Hana is glued to the television every evening, watching the news of the war, she wants to be left alone. The fact that every evening Farhad, Sylvie and Mario are there, is driving her crazy. Their presence, specially Mario's recently bothers her. She wishes that they stay at their home and leave her abandoned. When it comes to Mario, she desires that may be she can find some fault in him so she can get rid of him; but this man is perfect, he is receptive, bright, kind, understanding, and he loves her dearly. She knows that she loves him, too; nevertheless, she does not like the game of girlfriend and boyfriend and she definitely does not want to get married. She thinks that people do change their mind. So what if she has changed her mind, too. But how can she tell him that this moment belongs to her and she does not want to share it with anybody. May be in future she changes her mind. But would he go for that. Would he be available when she runs back to him. People may call her crazy, but she feels what she feels and there is no argument about it.

When one day she tells Farhad about her feelings, he does call her crazy.

"Mom, you must be out of your mind. Do you want to live all alone for the rest of your life and wither like a crumbled paper? I have a suggestion for you, why don't you get a dog so when you're very old, you can have a companion!"

Therefore, after she hears almost insulting words of her son, she decides to keep her morbid thoughts for herself and tries to antagonize Mario by her behavior. "Maybe he leaves me so I don't have to tell him how I feel!" And how does she feel? She is in love with a man that she would give her life to if necessary, but she does not want to be with him! Strange!

But he does not leave. He stays by her side kinder and more loving than ever. Ironically when one evening Mario can not be with her because of a meeting he must attend, Hana feels miserable and desperate and wants him hopelessly. She wonders about all these mixed emotions. "Farhad is right. I'm losing my mind."

{/}

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 36- The Legend of Predicament

Operation Desert Storm has started with a push of a button on board of an American Battleship miles away from Baghdad. America faces less casualties than any other war during the four weeks air war which a dozen are victims of so called friendly fire and twenty eight others lose their lives when an American Scud crashes over Saudi Arabia and falls on an American Barrack. American Missiles bomb the vital organizations in Iraq which paralyze that country. Everything moves fast as it has been planned by generals; and the chance that Americans fulfill successfully their mission before the dead line are great. Nevertheless, war is war for either countries, families and friends, and especially for people who participate in it.

Sam and many others are in an American Barrack in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia, waiting for orders. As these young soldiers, each in his own way, try to cope with the unknowns of the war, for many like Sam, it is the first time being in action. Some of them look so young that one wonders if they have reached puberty. The ambiance is tense; nonetheless, having the treasure of youth, mostly try to entertain themselves either by playing cards, listening to radio, or just a simple conversation with all these new friends they have found. As it has always been customary, their youth brings an artificial joy and laughter and the sense of "nothing can happen to me". The barrack is filled with their voices.

However things for Sam is a little different. He finds some people to make friends with, none from Texas, but yet, as always he has a hard time to let go of his ongoing aloofness, which in fact is the sense of wanting to be left alone. He chooses solitude over a conversation or playing cards. Drowned in his own thoughts, he watches the lively crowd, who laugh outside and perhaps cry inside. He wonders how people can show happiness while they are sad, and how they can laugh and be loud while they sob within and want to be silent. As his thoughts merges from the abyss he is to his home, mom, Farhad, and their new loves, Mario and Sylvie, he also yearns for a normal life when parents stay father and mother forever, and there is no betrayal. He curses his dead father for his inhumane attitude towards him, his brother, and especially his mother. As hard as it is for him emotionally to share his mom with another man, he knows logically that his mother deserves the best; and he is sure that Mario is the best man for her even though he has seen him only twice and under a very tense circumstances. As he introspects his before the last visit with his mother, he remembers that he told her in a sarcastic way to go ahead with the wedding. As well as he knows her, he is certain that he has planted an inexplicit seed in her mind and she may not marry after all. He does not want to wait for the end of war to tell her that. He intended to tell her on the phone, but the line was cut off. His last option is a letter, but he is not much of a writer like her mother. But this is something he must do; otherwise he will feel terrible until he returns home. That tenderhearted thought brightens his soul momentarily. He gets up to pick up a piece of paper to write a letter. A sudden silence falls on the barrack. Every body is quiet and they try to listen to a high pitched sound coming from sky, above the barrack. Many run outside, and shortly after some come back in.

"It's a plane in fire. It looks like one of ours. It's going to fall on us."

The soldier that says that along with some others run outside again. And how lucky are those who fly out of the barrack.

Is Sam among them?

~`~

To Be Continued

Odyssey ...}}{} 35- Operation Desert Storm

When they return from the area where other soldiers and their families are visiting, they notice that some of the soldiers are already gone to the air base. There is much less crowd now. Families are not allowed in the air base area. There, it is only the military band, who are playing military marches to animate the depressed soldiers who are taking off for unknowns.

When the time comes, shortly after their return from walking, for Sam to leave them, Farhad and Sylvie hugging Sam. The three of them are crying uncontrollably. Mario is standing a little in back and waiting for his turn to say goodbye. Hana is sitting on a rock by herself. She is not crying. She does not know how she feels or thinks. She is just numb. Should someone look at her at that moment, they can not read anything in her face or her aura at all. She looks but she does not see, she listens but can not hear, she speaks but her voice is dead. When Mario finally comes ahead and whispers something in Farhad's ear, the two brothers and Sylvie open their arms and free themselves from the long, agonizing hugging and sobbing. Sam walks towards his mom. She does not move, No one knows that she can not. She just sit there and look. Sam kneels down in front of her:

"Are you okay, mom"

She, as though, is waken up from a frightening nightmare, suddenly sees and hears and speaks:

"I'm fine, sweetheart."

"Mom, please don't do this. I don't want to remember you this way. For God's sake, mom, please take a hold of you. I'm not going to death chamber, I am just going to Persian Gulf. I'll be back before you know it."

Hana finally stands up and hugs her son. There is no tears, no emotion there. She is like a piece of wood hugging her son. She is as dry as a piece of wood. Farhad comes and separates mom from Sam. Mario and Sam hug each other, a fatherly hug. Sam breaks up for him:

"Take care of my mom. I am worried for her."

"I will, Sam. Don't worry. You take care of yourself son. Be careful."

"I know; and one more thing you guys don't wait for me for your wedding. If I am not back by then, just go ahead and get married."

"I want to but I don't know about your mom; you know how she is."

"The first thing I do, when I get there, I write her a letter or call her and ask her to marry you for my sake on Valentine's day as you have planned."

~~

Back in Dallas, Hana thinks about taking a couple of weeks of vacation. Her despondent feeling frightens her of not being able to perform as usual in her new position as the supervisor in the company she works. Mario thinks that is not a good idea.

"You're better off working these days. Staying busy keeps your mind occupied from all these turmoils."

She thinks about what he says and finally agrees with him, since Farhad and Sylvie think the same way as Mario does.

The same day that Sam takes off for the Persian Gulf to participate in Operation Desert Storm, When they return home, Hana finds a contract from a publisher in her mail box. How strange! Should she get this contract in a different time, it would be the happiest moment of her life; however, things are very different now. Achieving this was not easy. Hard work and persistence have finally paid off. Mario, Farhad and Sylvie are overwhelmed by this news and they congratulate her for this very difficult accomplishment. Mario, in a very pleasant way, says:

"Can I sign your contract as a witness, Hana? You'll be a famous writer one day and I want to brag that I signed your first contract as a witness."

Of course Hana agrees. She needs two witnesses and Farhad signs as a second witness. She keeps a copy of her contract for herself and mails the original copy to the publisher the next day. According to the cover letter, the target time for her book to be published will be the Summer of 1991. Hana wishes that she knew about this one day earlier, so she could tell Sam about it! However things never go exactly the way people want them.

Every evening after work, Hana is glued to television to watch the news about Persian Gulf war. Her television is set on the twenty four hours news channel. As she hears the repeated victory of American advanced fighter planes with the allies' help, she begins to feel a little better.

"Saddam can not do a dam thing against us." She thinks. "We're powerful. We're not like Iran after Revolution, weakened and worn out." Then it comes the news of Iraqi's Nuclear Airplanes. Even though the news is hazy, it frightens her. She knows that Saddam is capable of doing such thing if he can not confront the powerful American Fighter Aircrafts.

Torn between depression and pride of her son's involvement in defending the interests of the country they all have adopted, she goes on with her normal, everyday life until three weeks later after Sam's departure. She gets a call from Sam in Dhahran. In fact, she has been contacting the agency which helps families of the soldiers to know about their loved ones everyday; and they repeatedly tell her that there is no casualties in American part.

As Sam's voice comes from the other side of the world very unclear and hazy, she indulges the pleasure of talking to her son and knowing that he is all right. However, the conversation is very short because of the sudden disconnection. She does not have the chance to rain her son with all her questions about his safety.

She refuses Mario's offer to celebrate the New Year eve in a hotel. How can she? However, Farhad, Sylvie, and Hana go to Mario's home that evening. This is the first time after Sam's departure that she is not in her own home. The entire evening she is so uncomfortable that everyone notices that. After dinner, which becomes the admiration of Farhad and Sylvie that what a good cook Mario is, Farhad finally asks his mother what bothers her. She says:

"What if Sam calls? I need to go home."

Mario does not argue. Farhad thinks that he is such a wonderful man to put up with his mom, and Sylvie regrets that they have to go since she loves Mario's back yard.

The party breaks up way before midnight; and they all decide to go to Hana's home and carry on the rest of the evening there and wait for twelve o'clock when 1991 begins.

Even though Mario and Hana's relationship grows much deeper and they become closer in many ways, their intimacy becomes less and less and slowly disappears completely. As Mario is very understanding and sensitive man, who has only one goal in this relationship, to please Hana and to give her a good life, he does not mind this new way at all. To him, intimacy is not only a man thing or a one way act, but it is a mutual understanding, love, sharing, and take and give. When Hana apologizes for her recent coldness, he hugs her gently and says:

"Listen, honey, I'm not an animal. I understand. I'll be the same way If I were you."

As Hana's life may create envy for an outsider, for this foreign woman has a son in service which is very honorable act, has another son in college and soon to be married to a very nice girl, has a supervising position in a very well known company, has a very respectable and rich fiance, who can have any woman he wants but has chosen her, has a book soon to be published, and more to come, to her, it lacks something more grandiose than anything else she has known, the present of her younger son to witness all these, and her constant worrying for Sam's safe return home.

Her concentration is so poor these days that every time she tries to write, the words scatter and disappear in her mind.

"When I try to put the words on the page,

They scatter in the wind with rage.

Only one line echoes in my head;

Inquisitive eyes, all of a sudden, and dread."

To Be Continued

Odyssey ...~}{~ 35- Operation Desert Storm

Farhad and Sylvie show up in less than an hour. It does not take a genius to know what Hana has done. Her breath still smells of alcohol. Mario has no choice but to tell Farhad the whole story. As Mario in his gentle way is telling Farhad the story of her mother, their trip, Sam's attitude about them, and then his coming to her apartment with the help of Cindy, apartment manager, Farhad weeps. He, like his mom, does not know how to handle this. He has thought since he does not live with his mother anymore, perhaps Mario and his mom spend the nights together. Now he knows that Mario does not even has the key to her apartment. While giving his key to Mario, he says:

"You don't have to tell my mom that you have the key. Just make a copy for me."

His weeping makes it difficult for him to talk. He somehow feels responsible for this misery. Had he been a good student right after high school and has not waisted so much of his mother's money and his time, maybe Sam would have never joined the military. But should if and would if and maybe, none of them right now will solve their problem. Mario gently hugs him and let him cry on his shoulder. Farhad has never had a real relation with his dead father. To him, this hug, is more important than anything that he has known; a hug, a fatherly hug from a man so dedicated to his mother.

"Why did Sam join the army, God D...?"

Mario while caressing Fahad's back and shoulder like a real father, kisses him on the forehead and makes him to sit on a chair:

"Listen, Farhad, you must calm down. Sam is an adult now. You can't do anything about it. If he leaves the military now, they will prosecute him. Hopefully everything is going to be okay. It is not only American soldiers that are going there. Many of allies soldiers are already there. Iraq has no chance. Our high tech weapons destroy their army in a second. You must think about first yourself and then your mother now."

Gentle and soft spoken Mario finally brings Farhad to a temporary clam so the visit with his mom would not be all depressing.

<>

Operation Desert Storm is to finish Operation Desert Shield by doubling American soldiers to 200,000, which last till January 15, 1991. Sam's unit is mobilized among many others, and three days after Mario and Hana's return from Fort Hood, Hana is informed of the event. They all are waiting to take off for Persian Gulf. The news brings Hana to almost another breakdown. Mario and Farhad, this time, both become her shield and because of that she behaves more reasonably, if there exists any rational conduct for a mother that her son is going to war to fight the enemy. On one hand she feels an indescribable pride of having a soldier son to fight for his country, on the other, she feels abhorrent for sending him off. The mixed emotion in her, causes her to talk to her friends at work with gratification and to Farhad, Mario, Sylvie and her family, who call her or visit her all the time, with bleakness. Her double talk makes everyone even more worried for her.

The soldiers' families are allowed to see them before they take off. This time Farhad, and Sylvie go with Hana and Mario.

In that crowded place, where all families, wives, children, and parents are spending some time with their beloved soldiers, soon to be shipped overseas, Hana watches them and feels their pain, specially the ones that are married and have children. Reporters, television cameras, and publicity by famous personalities of the television networks, makes Hana to believe the seriousness of the event. She can not stand the crowd, the flash of cameras, the reporters who are running after her to get a word from her. She wants to be alone with Sam, to hold him, to touch him, and to talk to him. There is a feeling of nonentity in the back of her mind that torments her; and as she tries to behave in a mature way, deep inside, she is breaking into pieces. When she is finally alone with Sam, she has forgotten all the things she wanted to tell him. Sam looks handsome in his fatigue uniform and acts brave. To Hana, he stands taller than before but his deep rooted anguish can not be hidden from her eyes.

Mother and son walk away from the crowd holding hands, and as she feels his agony and he endures hers, they both strive not to show any grief. Stopping after every few step to hug each other, she introspects him as a baby, a little boy, a teenager, which he still is. He is five months short of his twentieth birthday. She looks at her handsome son, with black hair, brown eyes, and tall. He is physically in an excellent shape. There is not a gram of fat in his muscular body. She wishes she can say things to him, but she can not, for words are not descriptive enough to show the empathic connection between them. Nonetheless, one thing Sam says that makes her happy.

"I like Sylvie. She is very nice. Finally Farhad has learned to do the right things in his life. When are they going to get married?"

"They are planning for next Summer."

"Mom, I want you to marry Mario whether I'm back or not. He is a good man."

"Oh, son, don't talk like that. You'll be back in no time."

"I know mom. I meant it may take longer for us to come back. There are still some American soldiers in Persian Gulf from last summer. No one knows when we come back."

"Can you tell me what is the real purpose of all these?"

"I really don't know, mom. I guess to destroy Saddam so he can't bark and threat other Arab nations."

Hana Shudders. She knows of Saddam's spitefulness.

To Be continued

Odyssey ...~~ 35- Operation Desert Storm

Mario undresses Hana and carries her to the bathroom. He tries to avoid her fall since she is not cooperative and fights him in her state of unawareness. With difficulty, he puts her in the bathtub and opens the water on her. Before the water in the pipes gets warm, its coldness pierces her skin and brings her back form unconsciousness and she screams:

"Mom, mom, please forgive me."

As Mario tries to stop her of hurting herself, he also gets wet, but he does not mind. He stands there while the warm water pours over her. He gently massages her shoulders and back. His smooth touch and care brings Hana life again; and she finally opens her eyes. As she comes back slowly to alertness, suddenly she realizes what she has done; nonetheless she does not remember the details. Details have always been boring to her, but now that she wants to focus on the details of what she has done, they escape her. She has a pounding headache so much so that even the light in the bathroom bothers her eyes and increases her headache. She puts her head between her knees.

"Oh, my head!"

"I know sweet heart. I'm going to make some coffee. Where is your Tylenol?"

"On the kitchen counter in a basket."

Mario returns with two Tylenol and a glass of water and then goes back to kitchen to make coffee. After a few minutes he returns with a cup of black coffee.

"I want milk in my coffee."

"No, just drink it black."

Mario lets her stay in the bathtub with warm water coming on her from the shower head for a long time. She begins to feel a little better after Mario dries her and and dresses her. As she lies down on the sofa, where she was drinking the night before, he starts tidying the room. Trying to remember all the things she has done last night, she finds out that she can not connect things together. There are many things, like pieces of a puzzle, missing. However, she remembers one thing very well, her nightmare, her mother's fingers and strange smile. She can not understand why her mother was not happy with her if she decided to come to her dream. Nevertheless, she thinks that how much she misses and needs her mother more than ever, specially now.

By the time Mario is done with cleaning her apartment and making chicken soup for both of them, it is almost one in the afternoon. He wakes her up and gives her two more Tylenol and asks her to eat her soup. He has a couple of toasts on the tray, too. She takes the pills.

"I can't eat. Oh, my head..."

"Come on sweet heart, just a little. I eat with you, too."

He dunks a little piece of the toast into the soup and puts it in her mouth. She likes the taste of it. She raises her head and Mario puts a few pillows under her head and sits next to her. While he is eating himself, he feds her, too. She thinks that no one has ever taken care of her this way. She is speechless. She can not even say thank you to this man who has saved her from herself and the demon that has taken over her, and taking care of her like a mother. She looks at him with a look that is more than appreciation to Mario. Her look is filled with love for this man.

Farhad calls a little later to invite himself and Sylvie for dinner. He is surprised to hear Mario's voice on the phone. He knew that his mom and Mario have gone to see his brother. When he hears Mario's voice on the phone, he thinks that either they just came back or if they came back last night, he has spent the night with his mother.

"Oh, Mario, when did you come back? How is Sam? Where is my mom?" It seems as though his questioning is an offense he is taking for Mario answering the phone.

"We came back last night. Sam is fine. There is a strong possibility that their unit will be mobilized. Your mother is sick." Mario's answers are delivered the same way as Farhad's questioning.

"What is wrong? Why is she sick?" Farhad's questions are more like a demand, as though it is Mario's fault that she is sick.

"She's very upset. I don't know..." Mario does not want to tell Farhad of his mother's drinking.

"I'm coming right now." Farhad sounds worried.

"No, Farhad, you better not. Let her rest."

Farhad is hurt. "Who is he to tell me not to go and see my mother?" he says in his speaking mind. On the other hand, he thinks that his mother must be very sick.

"Let me talk to her."

Mario goes to the living room and finds Hana asleep. He returns to the kitchen.

"She is sleeping, Farhad. She'll be okay."

"I'm coming now."

"All right, but please let's not talk about Sam in front of her."

To Be Continued

Odyssey ... 35- Operation Desert Storm

Gol tries to comfort Hana from her dreadful thoughts; nevertheless, her talking pierces Hana as though a snake has bitten her.

"Remember how upset I was when your brother was killed, and then you and your political activities broke me completely!"

"Mom, please, don't remind me those days. I'm sorry. I was stupid. I know now how you felt, I do. My Sam is going to war." Hana breaks down in front of Gol, holding her apron.

"You see, you're my child as Sam is your child; just see how upset you are. Now you see what you'd done to me!"

"Mom, please, don't make it any worse. Why don't you tell me about what I did after dad's death, why you only mention bad things...?!I need you. Let me just sleep. Let me put my head on your lap."

"Okay, I like that. I'm tired of touching dirt and insects. Let me touch you."

As Gol brings her hand out of the pocket of her apron, Hana sees her fingers are all bones with no skin over them.

"What happened to your fingers, mom?"

"Never mind my fingers. Let me caress your hair just like when you were a little girl; those days you had soft, shinny hair, now I see a lot of gray. Have you colored your hair? You know I miss you terribly."

As Gol touches Hana's hair, a repulsive sensation shivers Hana and she pulls away.

"Oh, please don't leave me. Let me be with you." Gol begs.

"You're dead. You're dead for a long time, mom. I want your spirit not your dead body."

Finally Gol fades away. Hana uses her last strength to write a poem about missing home, father, mother, grandpa, Behroz, and ...

"Me, being far from home like a bird apart;

I'm forgotten in eyes, like life dies in heart.

Me, being heavy hearted of thoughts with closed lips;

Night sings to me of its mysteries, I sing of my grips.

Sitting in cold, but hot I am with grief.

Trying to connect the gone days without relief.

I close my eyes to see the only remaining wave,

Next to the roaring, sad ocean, I crave,

To be on the other side of the big sea;

If I was at home, If I was free."

She rolls on the sofa, wet of horror and ignores the ringing of the phone. As it rings over and over again, she reluctantly gets up. A terrible headache makes her to sit back and and suddenly everywhere goes dark in her eyes and she becomes unconscious.

Mario curses himself for not staying with Hana last night. His greatest fear is if she has hurt herself and has thought of even doing something unthinkable. For the last three hours he has called her with no respond. In the verge of complete despair, he gets into his car and drives to her home. As he stands there ringing the bell and knocking the door for a long time, terrible thoughts pass his mind. "Her car hasn't moved. It is Saturday and she doesn't work. Where is she?" Despondently he goes to the apartment office and explains the situation to the woman behind the desk, happens to be the manager, and asks her for a key to go inside. After arguing for awhile, the woman says:

"If she is your fiance, how come you don't have the key to her place?"

Mario is so outrageous that he forcefully control himself to stay calm:

"It is complicated." That is the only thing he says to the woman's derogatory comment. They argue a little more. Mario thinks about calling Farhad, since he knows Farhad has the Key, but he changes his mind. He is not sure what he will face when he gets in. He does not want to upset Farhad.

Finally the woman agrees to go with him inside the apartment, but she also wants to call the police.

"Please lady, let's go in and see what is going on first before you call the police."

The heartless apartment manager finally goes with him and opens the door.

In Hana's untidy apartment Mario and Cindy, The apartment Manager, find Hana unconscious on the floor. The empty bottle, full ashtray, the notebook on the coffee table, and the crumbled papers all over the place are the evidences of what have happened in her place. Cindy insists on calling the ambulance but Mario says that is not necessary and he can take care of her.

"I didn't know that she drinks!" Cindy says.

"She doesn't. Her son is going to Persian Gulf. She is very upset."

"I must call an ambulance." Cindy says.

"No, please don't. I can take care of her. I know what to do. She already is going through a lot. We don't want to embarrass her by she waking up in hospital because of drinking." Mario's sharp, yet polite voice finally makes Cindy to agree and she leaves the apartment.

To Be Continued

Odyssey...~{}~ 34- Robbing Entity

Hana shakes her head and goes to the parking lot and sits on the hood of Mario's BMW. Exasperated and angry, she thinks of all the miseries she has been through; and now at her age, when happiness and tranquillity have come to her without invitation, she must face this, his son's disappointment, and the possible mobilization of his unit to the Persian Gulf. "Oh, God, what have I done to deserve this?" Through the window she can see the two men are talking seriously. As she smokes one cigarette after another on empty stomach, she begins nauseating. Stamping the cigarette on the ground with her shoe, she begins walking like a mad woman back and forth. The cold, crisp weather that is twenty degree colder than the day before, not only is not shivering her this time, but for some strange reason, she is hot and burning up so much so that she takes her coat out. Even though Mario's five minutes is over now for a while, she is so ashamed and regretful that facing Sam stops her of going inside. When Mario finally comes after her, he finds her in a complete disarray.

"Are you all right? Let's go inside."

Hana as though waking up from a nightmare, shakes all over.

"How did it go?" She babbles.

"Very well. Sam is a very intelligent and sensitive young man. We had a good talk."

"Tell me, what did you talk about?"

"I tell you later. Let's go inside."

Inside the restaurant, Hana finds her son as normal as he can be. She thinks about Mario's words, "we had a good talk".

The rest of the day no one talks about the upcoming wedding, as though it is not going to happen. Sam, as always is emotionless or better yet is hiding his motions. No one can tell how he feels or thinks. He acts normal, talks normal and treats Mario as though he knows him all his life. That makes it even much harder for Hana to know how her son is handling the news of her marriage or the mobilization of his unit. How can you deal with a person that expertly hide his emotions? However, Sam shows them places that soldiers gather on their days off. Mario and Sam mostly talk about Military and politics. Mario tells him about the time he was in Iran and some Middle Eastern countries. Sam questions him the reason for being on those part of the world. Again she can not guess if her son is against Mario for work he has done on those areas of the world, or admires him for it. At the end of their visits, Hana realizes that her son has spoken to Mario more than her; and she has no idea how he feels even though she has raised him. As they drive Sam back to the Fort, Hana begs Sam to sit next to her in the back of the car. Sam looks at this devoted woman and feels the same need for closeness and touch.

As Mario drives, in the back seat, mother and son hold each other's hands and slowly and gradually Sam puts his head on her shoulder. This is the first, Hana thinks, the first that her son has shown anything all day. She, with a motherly love, caresses his black hair which is cut very short and kisses his forehead. Sam does not resist since he knows how much they both miss each other. Mario occasionally looks at them through the rear view mirror and with his silence let them enjoy each other's company. As the Fort Hood appears from far, Hana shivers. Her emotional outburst is about to chock her and with difficultly she controls herself. Sam feels not only his mother's twitching nerves, he, himself, shudders for the first time. He wishes he has never joined the army but he is not about to say that to his mother. He has this mixed emotions of being proud to serve his adopted country and to tell his mother to be proud, too, and completely the opposite emotion of why he has joined the Army. As he screams inside with his speaking mind, "please take me home with you", Mario stops the car and gets out. Mother and son hold each other for awhile, as the dying sun in far horizon disappears completely, and the fired orange sky turns blue and purple before the dark of night spreads its canopy on earth.

"I have to go mom." His manly voice is shaking.

"I love you Sam. Are you still mad at me?"

"No, mom, I am very happy for you. Mario is a very good man. You deserve that. Hopefully I'll be at the wedding."

"Do you mean it Sam? I need to know. I won't marry him if it upsets you!"

"Mom, stop this. I mean it, really. He is a very nice man. I truly like him."

"I love you Sam."

As Sam vanishes in the whirl of the moment in front of Hana's eyes, she finally breaks into a cry. Mario walks for a while and allows her to cry. He does not believe to stop people of crying. In fact, he wishes he could have cried when his wife died and when his daughter moved away. He believes that God has given humans tear ducks for crying which most of the time is very therapeutic. He wonders why men do not use this way of discharging their melancholies more often.

Back in town, when Mario suggests that they go to Austin for that night and stay in a good hotel and perhaps go to San Antonio the next day, Hana is outrageous.

"No, no, I want to go home."

"I know you're very upset. My suggestion is only for making you to feel better. San Antonio is a very beautiful city. I like to show it to you. It will help you to feel better."

"No, Mario, I know your intention is honorable but I want to go home."

Around midnight, when they are back in Dallas, he does not dare to ask her for staying over her place. As worried as he is for her, he understands that she wants to be alone. In fact, he does not blame her for being sad, anxious, or bitter. He would be, too. He knows very well how dirty war is; and as he drives away from her apartment, he prays for the safety of all the soldiers specially Sam.

Hana, exhausted of all her flowing and suppressed emotions, mixes a vodka drink for herself with orange juice and sits at her favorite place on the sofa, where she smokes and drinks all night. Something she has never done is drinking when she is depressed, but this depression is above and beyond everything else she has ever faced. She is worried to death for her son's going to Persian Gulf, as Mario finally said to her in the car the great possibility of it. As she begins writing her thoughts, as she normally does, her mind slowly sways back and forth to the unknown future and her past:

"Dear self, close the door, for I no more

Desire to say hello, goodbye, or ignore.

A little part of night is still intact.

A nocturnal song is echoed in abstract.

And glow worm in its hidden place

Twinkles to a shore laid in space.

Same as my cloudy room's light

Which glistens on the window's height.

The image of its burning, promising eyes,

Sparkles in this dark house of whys."

When the alcohol begins affecting her ability to write, she stubbornly writes more so she can feel even worse:

"I walked on the hot asphalt as a young teen.

It was summer afternoon, rays were seen.

A piece of bread fell on the dirt.

It was in a beggar's hand, I saw his hurt.

His empty eyes pierce me like a lance.

I melted in the heat of that glance."

She suddenly remembers that beggar, whom his dry bread broke by falling. She shudders of fear; nonetheless, she goes to the kitchen and makes another drink, this time almost all vodka and a little juice. She returns to her seat and writes more:

"The color of autumn and shade of summer, never

Change my abstraction, they're the same to me."

She looks at her writings with her misty eyes, and then crumbles the papers and throws them around. Like a flash she tares another piece of paper from her notebook and writes:

"Immense wind whips every tree,

Sweeps back and forth the torrent of rain.

Branches crash down in dark bosom to free.

Dazzling power of slashing blast howls in plane.

And here we share a profound woe;

A provocative presence no one can bear.

And here we deliver a magic, a show,

For being human with a sympathizing tear."

She crumbles this piece of paper, too, and throws it out in space. Then she conjures up her home land, family, and especially her mother. In the darkness of her soul, she screams loudly:

"Mom, mother, where are you? I need you!"

To Be Continued

Odyssey...~~ 34- Robbing Entity

Mario brought to Hana's attention, The Operation Desert Storm.

"It seems President Bush will send troops to the Persian Gulf." He said

Hana, back to her old habit, being miserable, wants all these to be only a dream. The shock of the bitter reality is way beyond her endurance. In her almost everyday conversation with Sam, she begs her son to quit and return home.

"Mom, I can't."

Sam finally tells her that their unit has been under an alert for some time and there is a possibility that it will be mobilized. As he repeatedly tells her that he can not get a pass to come home now, she decides to take a trip there and sees him. She can not resist her sickened thoughts anymore. Mario insists on going with her. This will give him a chance to meet Sam and be with Hana.

Even though Hana truly does not want him to go with her, she can not say no to him. They leave Dallas on a Thursday after work with Mario's car. It is a rainy afternoon and when they go through Waco, rain changes to a storm. In front of them the sky lights up with lightening and they can hear thunder loud and frightening. They are silent whereas the nature out there. The only sound in the car is the fast moving windshield wiper, back and forth, back and forth... Hana introspects her last conversation with Sam. She is not sure if going with Mario is a very good idea. On the other hand they will be soon getting married. Sam does not even know anything about Mario. How can she hide her engagement and marriage from Sam any longer? Maybe this is a better way to do it. As she struggles with this thought, another deafening thunder shakes her. The storm makes the car trembles just like their hearts, each on his and her own way. The three hours trip passes mostly in silence since Mario knows how she feels and he does not blame her at all. Hana brings up her feet up to her chest and tries to cover them with her coat. But the cold out there and within her makes her shiver to a degree that leaves Mario no choice but break the silence by saying:

"I raise the heater. You're cold."

"It is all right. I'll feel better in a little while."

That night in Killeen, Texas they check in a motel. It is the first time that they are spending a night together; however, the night passes by her sitting and trying to read a book, which she is unsuccessful to concentrate; and him watching the television, which he can not pay attention to. The next morning, the sky is cloudless and there is no sign of rain or storm, but the temperature has dropped about twenty degree. None of them dressed for this kind of weather, but there is nothing can be done. They drive up to Fort Hood. There, in front of the large gate, the young soldier asks them many questions and looks at their identifications cards; however, he never raises the blocking barrier. When finally the weeping Hana is told to wait so they can call her son, she is filled with both rapture and agony.

Sam and other soldiers are engaged in their morning practice, while the guard is speaking to Sam's superior about a worried mother at the gate. As the Sergeant conjures up his early days in the military when he was only eighteen, and remembers his own mother's emotional behavior since Vietnam War was in full force, he feels this mother's pain as well, and writes a one day pass for Sam. He is very sure that his unit will go to the Persian Gulf soon. "Let's the boy see his mother." He thinks to himself.

Sam is overwhelmingly happy to see his mother, but as he has never learned to show his emotions, Hana mistakes it with displeasure. As they drive away from the Fort to the city, Sam is waiting for an explanation about this sophisticated man with salt and pepper hair, who reminds him of Richard Burton, with his soft, beautiful leather jacket in a light brown color, and khaki pants. It is obvious to Sam that his clothes are designer's. Sam knows cars and is estimating in his mind how much Mario's last model BMW costs. He thinks who is this man with his mother. Mario discerns that he has put Hana in a tough situation by going with her; nevertheless, nothing can be done now. He decides to take the initiative. He begins by introducing himself first while Sam in front seat is all ears. Then he switches to politics and then again back to himself. Finally he starts all over again from the beginning, how he met his mother and so on. Sam impatiently listens to this ongoing story which he knows about it only now.

"Are you two getting married?" Sam tries to make things easy for Mario.

"Yes, we are. Your mother was afraid to tell you. She was waiting for you to come home so you didn't have to learn it this way."

"That is great. I am happy for you." Sam's tone voice seems sarcastic.

Hana in the back seat of the car, breaks into a silent sobbing, for she knows her son's remark does not mean it's wording. Surprisingly Mario feels Sam's bitter comment as well. He understands Sam's hostility and agony.

"Listen Sam, I know you have too much in mind right now and this isn't exactly the right time to learn about us, but you need to understand that your mother has never had a happy life. Your brother moved out as you know and soon is getting married, and you have joined the army; and frankly if I leave her, she will be all alone without anybody. She needs to have a life, too. She deserves to have a life. She is a very good person."

Mario's interjection makes Sam to think. First he thinks who is this man that tells him his mother is a good person as though he does not know her; however, deep inside he agrees with Mario; but he can not get over the fact of being left out on an important issue like this, his mother's second marriage. He can feel his mother's weeping in back seat without turning and looking at her or hearing her cry. But as adamant as he is, he will not forgive her for this. Hana instinctively knows how her son feels and decides to please him even if she has to break up with Mario. They all agree to stop in a little restaurant on the road for breakfast. Hana uses the situation to go to the lady's room so she can discharge the flow of tears that suffocating her like a knot of so many poisonous snakes in her throat. After five minutes, as she is relieved of all unwanted tears, and leaving the rest room to join the two men, she sees Mario standing behind women's bathroom and waiting for her.

"What is it? Why are you standing here?"

"I want you to delay coming to our table. May be you can go outside to have a cigarette. Give me a little time to talk to him man to man."

"What will you tell him?"

"I don't know. Please, just listen to me. You won't regret it."

To Be Continued