Anna's parents arrived a week before wedding. Hoping for a glorious wedding, Fatie, Anna's mother, did not like her simple wedding gown, and the fact that Anna did not intend to wear even a vail bothered her even more; but she dared not to say a word about it to her daughter. Shahzdeh had warned her of their new opinionated and liberated daughter.
Steve and Anna had already rented an apartment close to school and the hospital Anna was studying and working. Steve's furniture was adequate for their two bedroom apartment; nonetheless, when Anna's parents came, they insisted on buying a new bedroom suit, some china, and a nicer dinning table set as a wedding present for them. They had also brought more jewelery for Anna, a gold watch and necklace, and a diamond ring for Steve. They had even brought some gifts for Stacy and Steve's parents.
The wedding took place in a private room in their favorite Italian restaurant which had become a hanging place for them during their courtship. They got married in a simple and small ceremony by a Justice of the peace. Only family members and some close friends of Steve and his parents were attending. They had dinner and cake for reception. The wedding ceremony began at six in the evening, New Year's eve, and ended by elven. However they stayed till midnight to celebrate the New Year.
Shahzdeh and Fatie were staying in a hotel this time. They had rented a car to get around. Shahzdeh had an international driver license. Anna and Steve were staying in a fancy hotel on their first night of their married life. Because of some business Steve had to take care of, their honeymoon, which was Shahzdeh's gift again, was to be in a month in Hawaii. They would leave February second for two weeks. But for now staying in a hotel the first night was to be their honeymoon.
The room in the hotel was extravagant. They were brought a bottle of champagne with two crystal glasses and a red rose on a tray. Anna stood in the middle of room, still wearing her simple wedding gown, knowing she could not say no to Steve anymore. She looked at the young man,who brought the tray. He had the hotel uniform on, navy pants with white strips at side seam, red jacket with gold buttons and shoulder flaps, white starched shirt with a red bow tie, and a pleasant smile on his face.
Steve gave him a tip and he left the room. He poured champagne in the two glasses and handed one of them to Anna. He still had his navy color suit, they had bought for the wedding. Her light blue tie was opened and hanging around his neck. Anna crumbled the cocktail napkin inside her closed hand, slowly sipped her drink and waited for Steve's attack. But he was not a man of violent and force. He gently kissed her lips and hugged her. Anna tossed the wadded napkin into the tray. The warmth of his body and kisses melted her shyness and she let him to carry her to the bed. In a way, inwardly, she was overpowered by this intruder, who was privy to scheme her life. There was no escape from what this man would intend to do to her. Part of her wanted him to tear her apart, to tear her wedding gown to pieces, and to take her virginity, but another part of her wanted to stop him from what he was entitled to do.
His tone of voice was meditatively affirmative and apologetic. Anna turned to look at him with a glance that coincidentally unveiled an appealing question and a disturbing obstruction. Suddenly his voice meandered to a vehement compassion. He whispered in her ears with an intimacy that she detected both annoyingly self-assertive and affectionately romantic: "I love you, sweet heart. We're married now. It's okay."
She thought his tone of voice was skillfully covered with gentleness and somewhat sorrow. He moved his hand to her back and opened the zipper of her gown. She was frozen without responding. Suddenly he stopped, turned her over, bent as close as possible until Anna could breathe his oxygen and said in a sad, yet firm voice: "What is it? Don't you love me?"
Anna stayed silent for a long time. He thought she would never answer him; but when he was about to approach her in another way, she said with a soft and sad voice:
"I respect you too much to feed you lies which neither of us would tolerate them anyway." She stopped.
Steve looked bewildered. Finally he said: "Are you sorry that you married me?"
"No, no, that is not it! I am happy, very happy. I love you so very much." She was suddenly ebullient. Then she continued: "I am scared. Will you give me some time?"
Steve kissed her forehead with so much tenderness and then said: "As long as you want, my love!"
They lay next to each other on bed and gradually Anna move closer to him and put her head on his shoulder. Their bodies became one under the comforter on that cold night, as snow flurries outside dancing wildly, and soon they both fell asleep.
At four o'clock in the morning, Anna woke up and found herself folded in Steve. He was asleep like a child. This was the first time she was watching him asleep. She could hear a soft snore coming out of his mouth. "Was this how married life to be." She thought. She looked at his handsome face and closed eyes and kissed his lips gently. He woke up. He began kissing her back. She let him to touch her forbidden parts of her body. He kissed them all.
They had a ceremonious struggle, a heated, savage passage of love. Then she understood that her cautious silence was so preposterous that it could awaken the neighboring people more than the sound of growling that they both trying to avoid.
She was twenty years old that day.
To Be Continued
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Twenty Four, A Ceremonious Tune
In the freezing street tonight,
A different frozen darkness grows in fright.
*
The curl on her shoulders like a gentle wave
Covers all other luster with rave.
Into her waist is tapered the plane of her back,
Like a perfect landscape that doesn't lack.
The garden of her body is blasted by fruit.
Sudden touches dry and scorch the root.
She is moved, but her earthly face
Turns to the moon above for embrace.
Beneath the breath of that lovely moon
Earth opens the gate of her garden's tune.
*
Misguided spiritual crusades were pursuits that consumed so much of Anna's time. In the presence of others, she remained almost completely alone. All of her, her smile, her pleasant face, her achievement, her ignorance of the environs, with an inhibition that unexpectedly swept in her dread, seemed to arouse her, to show her secret covers, and to remove from her soul the blood and the hollowness.
How did love begin? Was it an alternate smile with sobriety on a face which had been unfamiliar a moment before? Was it when the eyes shone, and captivating perception in the entire body, heart, hands, ambiance, unique smell of the other changed suddenly, or was it breathing or the voice that trembled the other? But the eyes, most decidedly the eyes always presented a great role of magnitude of life in the face!
Momentous time of life, when one determines on a substantial issue are the deeds influenced not in a great deal by unhindered consciousness of what her next step would be but by the inmost inclination which comes from the most profound justification of her essence.
In the quietude of these limitless moments which transformed her morning, noon, and night, Anna felt entirely alone. With a mask on her face, she walked by the stream located on the campus, wondering where all these were originating from. She knew she could not been seen. She was alone with the water that reflected the nature above as never before in her life. She, who had conquered her revulsion of many years, cast down her head close to the water and the water reacted to her. The whisper of the water, the lucidity of the air, and the scent of the falling leaves on wet soil, all blended in an undivided feeling of freedom and potency, her own authority. Trees had grown thin and she smelled autumn from them. The indefatigable, unfeigned birds twittered among dry, naked branches, and ready to migrate. Water gurgled in that man-made stream among the stones. Anna saw herself running in that stream, but only against the current. The stream swayed and murmured silently and moved afar. Everything looked like a painting of an obscure and gloomy place. Neither awareness nor reason ensued.
At night, sometimes she saw the full moon, when it was full, in a primitive shape in the expansive sky. Occasionally she could see a picture, a figure, a face in the moon; but most other times there was nothing else but her and the nature.
*
The preparation for the wedding was agonizing and Anna could not understand the chaos. Steve, Stacy, Williams, and her parents from Iran got on her nerves with all their expectations. She wondered why couldn't they marry in a quiet, quint, and small ceremony without all the glory? Why did most other brides want to be the center of universe the day of their wedding and she did not? Arguing constantly with Steve, Stacy, and her parents, finally they all mutually agreed to have a small ceremony with only one bridesmaid, Stacy, and one groom's man, Steve's best friend. After exchanging many harsh words and long battle with her parents, they finally accepted Anna's decision of having neither an Islamic wedding nor a Christian one but marrying by a Judge. It was very difficult to convince her parents to agree with her because she did not believe in Islam. It was her habit to say that she was born of a Muslim parents but she did not believe in any documented religion if someone asked her religion. She ended up to tell her father her true belief, Nature. It was very troublesome for a man like Shahzdeh, who was deeply religious, to realize that among other things, his daughter did not believe Islam and Profit Mohammad.; but as he had come to accept and understand many things about his daughter in past, at last he accepted this one, too.
Stacy could not understand Anna. She felt when her turn comes, she would want a big church wedding with all the glories of being the center of universe on that special day. She thought Anna's parents were rich enough to give her the most extravagant wedding; but as she could not understand many things about Anna, she was not able to comprehend this one either. All she knew that Anna was different in every way than any other girls that she knew.
Nonetheless the upcoming wedding of her brother and her best friend brought Stacy and Charlie closer than ever before. They got engaged on Christmas eve. She was overwhelmed by rapture; and without having a date for her wedding, she was planning everything. She talked non stop to Anna about the list of the guests, flowers, food, and..., and of course Anna was to be her maid of honor.
To Be Continued
A different frozen darkness grows in fright.
*
The curl on her shoulders like a gentle wave
Covers all other luster with rave.
Into her waist is tapered the plane of her back,
Like a perfect landscape that doesn't lack.
The garden of her body is blasted by fruit.
Sudden touches dry and scorch the root.
She is moved, but her earthly face
Turns to the moon above for embrace.
Beneath the breath of that lovely moon
Earth opens the gate of her garden's tune.
*
Misguided spiritual crusades were pursuits that consumed so much of Anna's time. In the presence of others, she remained almost completely alone. All of her, her smile, her pleasant face, her achievement, her ignorance of the environs, with an inhibition that unexpectedly swept in her dread, seemed to arouse her, to show her secret covers, and to remove from her soul the blood and the hollowness.
How did love begin? Was it an alternate smile with sobriety on a face which had been unfamiliar a moment before? Was it when the eyes shone, and captivating perception in the entire body, heart, hands, ambiance, unique smell of the other changed suddenly, or was it breathing or the voice that trembled the other? But the eyes, most decidedly the eyes always presented a great role of magnitude of life in the face!
Momentous time of life, when one determines on a substantial issue are the deeds influenced not in a great deal by unhindered consciousness of what her next step would be but by the inmost inclination which comes from the most profound justification of her essence.
In the quietude of these limitless moments which transformed her morning, noon, and night, Anna felt entirely alone. With a mask on her face, she walked by the stream located on the campus, wondering where all these were originating from. She knew she could not been seen. She was alone with the water that reflected the nature above as never before in her life. She, who had conquered her revulsion of many years, cast down her head close to the water and the water reacted to her. The whisper of the water, the lucidity of the air, and the scent of the falling leaves on wet soil, all blended in an undivided feeling of freedom and potency, her own authority. Trees had grown thin and she smelled autumn from them. The indefatigable, unfeigned birds twittered among dry, naked branches, and ready to migrate. Water gurgled in that man-made stream among the stones. Anna saw herself running in that stream, but only against the current. The stream swayed and murmured silently and moved afar. Everything looked like a painting of an obscure and gloomy place. Neither awareness nor reason ensued.
At night, sometimes she saw the full moon, when it was full, in a primitive shape in the expansive sky. Occasionally she could see a picture, a figure, a face in the moon; but most other times there was nothing else but her and the nature.
*
The preparation for the wedding was agonizing and Anna could not understand the chaos. Steve, Stacy, Williams, and her parents from Iran got on her nerves with all their expectations. She wondered why couldn't they marry in a quiet, quint, and small ceremony without all the glory? Why did most other brides want to be the center of universe the day of their wedding and she did not? Arguing constantly with Steve, Stacy, and her parents, finally they all mutually agreed to have a small ceremony with only one bridesmaid, Stacy, and one groom's man, Steve's best friend. After exchanging many harsh words and long battle with her parents, they finally accepted Anna's decision of having neither an Islamic wedding nor a Christian one but marrying by a Judge. It was very difficult to convince her parents to agree with her because she did not believe in Islam. It was her habit to say that she was born of a Muslim parents but she did not believe in any documented religion if someone asked her religion. She ended up to tell her father her true belief, Nature. It was very troublesome for a man like Shahzdeh, who was deeply religious, to realize that among other things, his daughter did not believe Islam and Profit Mohammad.; but as he had come to accept and understand many things about his daughter in past, at last he accepted this one, too.
Stacy could not understand Anna. She felt when her turn comes, she would want a big church wedding with all the glories of being the center of universe on that special day. She thought Anna's parents were rich enough to give her the most extravagant wedding; but as she could not understand many things about Anna, she was not able to comprehend this one either. All she knew that Anna was different in every way than any other girls that she knew.
Nonetheless the upcoming wedding of her brother and her best friend brought Stacy and Charlie closer than ever before. They got engaged on Christmas eve. She was overwhelmed by rapture; and without having a date for her wedding, she was planning everything. She talked non stop to Anna about the list of the guests, flowers, food, and..., and of course Anna was to be her maid of honor.
To Be Continued
Monday, June 28, 2010
Twenty Three |||||||| Haunted
Hoping to learn more about the essential mystery of living, soon after her father left, Anna began reading more philosophical books rather than novels. Her piano, at the beginning, about two weeks, stayed untouched. Somehow she was frightened of not knowing how to play or reading the notes. However, one day when Stacy was not home, she eased on the green stole, lifted the door of the piano and stared at the black and white keys. Then she laid her fingers on the keys without pressing them. She tried to remember a melody by an Iranian composer she had always loved and her teacher had first taught her to play. Could she able to play it without having the notes? She began murmuring the tune, and as the notes were gradually coming to her sight, as though they were right there in front of her, she began playing. She felt out of touch. She had not touched a piano for over three years. As she could hear the tunes in her ears, she played. First it was out of rhythm. She noticed that she was misplaying some notes. She started anew. Soon, the entire tune was in her head; and she played it as though she had the notes. Then she remembered more of her favorite music. By the time Stacy returned home from her date, she was playing for over five hours; the passing of time that she had not even paid attention to it.
"Oh, you're finally playing. I thought you never touch that piano." That was the first thing Stacy said when she entered the apartment.
Anna was startled by Stacy's sudden appearance. She had not even heard the door. She did not know that it was dark outside and late. Except the light in the kitchen, she had turned on when getting a glass of water, there was no light on.
"What time is it, Stacy? When did you come in?"
"Just now. It's eleven. Play something for me."
"It has to be something I know. I don't have my notes. Sunday I'm going to ask my dad to send them to me."
"That's fine. Play your favorite's. Whatever you like."
Anna played the first tune she had remembered that afternoon. That music was not familiar to Stacy's ears; nonetheless, the genius of the composer and the expertise of Anna soothed Stacy tremendously. Anna played more of what she remembered. Even though she had not played for all these times, it was obvious to Stacy that she was a natural. By the time they decided to go to bed, it was one in the morning.
Between each play, they had talked of their deepest feelings. Stacy was irritated by her boyfriend. Since Anna and Steve's engagement, Stacy wanted a more serious relationship with Charlie; but every time she had brought up the subject to him, he had refused to talk about it. Anna could understand her friend's frustration. She had also been there at one point. To solace Stacy was an act of stupidity and it would not do her any good. The best advice she could give her friend was to be patient.
"Time will solve all problems."
Stacy thought for a moment and then said in her speaking mind: " Time will also rob us from our existence." But to Anna, she said: "Did you talk to Steve today?"
"Yes, he called me twice. He's coming back next week."
"Do you miss him?" She asked Anna.
"Oh, yes, very much. I wish he could change job so he doesn't have to travel so much. He can't even tell me where he goes and what he does most of the time. I even don't know where he is now!"
"But you knew all these beforehand. You agreed to marry him anyway."
"I know, Stacy. But it's hard. I don't know if I will like it when we are married."
"You're not breaking up, are you?" Stacy had somewhat a sarcastic note in her voice.
"Of course not. I love him too much to back up. But he promised to practice law as soon as he finishes school and passes the bar exam." Anna's voice showed her true love for her fiance.
"That is good. I remember how worried my mom always was when my dad was travelling. We couldn't even talk to her; that is how upset she was. Thank God my dad is retired now."
Life had always been different when Anna was learning. Being a student again after a summer of many happenings and events slowly removed many bad thoughts and emotions from her. She found her mind in an actual perception afresh. Fundamental reality of existence and identity wove fantasy and absoluteness in a way that momentary she forgot that there was only a border line between reality and illusion. She had endured loneliness for so long that now she did not recognize the difference between solitude and boredom. She thought that she had mastered lassitude not loneliness; however, now that everything seemed perfect, she felt more isolated than before. Her life, appeared to others, like an exotic flower, but to her the difference between that flower and a weed was only a perception.
The spirit of her dead brother continuously haunted her and flew into her veins. She saw Aria, his soul, his mind, and his face being lifted up and stared into her eyes through his biting, piercing, and vehement eyes. He gazed at her and could not sever himself apart, looked and could not see enough of her, and could not let go of her hands and her piece of mind. His soul from grave haunted her repeatedly.
There was no happy ending to this train of thoughts and feelings. In fact the word "happy ending" were only an illusion. However in every one's life there are some perfect moments. Anna's life in this period was a "perfect moment". But she wondered when would all these nightmares end!? When would Aria leave her so she can live her perfect life?
To Be Continued
"Oh, you're finally playing. I thought you never touch that piano." That was the first thing Stacy said when she entered the apartment.
Anna was startled by Stacy's sudden appearance. She had not even heard the door. She did not know that it was dark outside and late. Except the light in the kitchen, she had turned on when getting a glass of water, there was no light on.
"What time is it, Stacy? When did you come in?"
"Just now. It's eleven. Play something for me."
"It has to be something I know. I don't have my notes. Sunday I'm going to ask my dad to send them to me."
"That's fine. Play your favorite's. Whatever you like."
Anna played the first tune she had remembered that afternoon. That music was not familiar to Stacy's ears; nonetheless, the genius of the composer and the expertise of Anna soothed Stacy tremendously. Anna played more of what she remembered. Even though she had not played for all these times, it was obvious to Stacy that she was a natural. By the time they decided to go to bed, it was one in the morning.
Between each play, they had talked of their deepest feelings. Stacy was irritated by her boyfriend. Since Anna and Steve's engagement, Stacy wanted a more serious relationship with Charlie; but every time she had brought up the subject to him, he had refused to talk about it. Anna could understand her friend's frustration. She had also been there at one point. To solace Stacy was an act of stupidity and it would not do her any good. The best advice she could give her friend was to be patient.
"Time will solve all problems."
Stacy thought for a moment and then said in her speaking mind: " Time will also rob us from our existence." But to Anna, she said: "Did you talk to Steve today?"
"Yes, he called me twice. He's coming back next week."
"Do you miss him?" She asked Anna.
"Oh, yes, very much. I wish he could change job so he doesn't have to travel so much. He can't even tell me where he goes and what he does most of the time. I even don't know where he is now!"
"But you knew all these beforehand. You agreed to marry him anyway."
"I know, Stacy. But it's hard. I don't know if I will like it when we are married."
"You're not breaking up, are you?" Stacy had somewhat a sarcastic note in her voice.
"Of course not. I love him too much to back up. But he promised to practice law as soon as he finishes school and passes the bar exam." Anna's voice showed her true love for her fiance.
"That is good. I remember how worried my mom always was when my dad was travelling. We couldn't even talk to her; that is how upset she was. Thank God my dad is retired now."
Life had always been different when Anna was learning. Being a student again after a summer of many happenings and events slowly removed many bad thoughts and emotions from her. She found her mind in an actual perception afresh. Fundamental reality of existence and identity wove fantasy and absoluteness in a way that momentary she forgot that there was only a border line between reality and illusion. She had endured loneliness for so long that now she did not recognize the difference between solitude and boredom. She thought that she had mastered lassitude not loneliness; however, now that everything seemed perfect, she felt more isolated than before. Her life, appeared to others, like an exotic flower, but to her the difference between that flower and a weed was only a perception.
The spirit of her dead brother continuously haunted her and flew into her veins. She saw Aria, his soul, his mind, and his face being lifted up and stared into her eyes through his biting, piercing, and vehement eyes. He gazed at her and could not sever himself apart, looked and could not see enough of her, and could not let go of her hands and her piece of mind. His soul from grave haunted her repeatedly.
There was no happy ending to this train of thoughts and feelings. In fact the word "happy ending" were only an illusion. However in every one's life there are some perfect moments. Anna's life in this period was a "perfect moment". But she wondered when would all these nightmares end!? When would Aria leave her so she can live her perfect life?
To Be Continued
Twenty Three-------Haunted
Shahzdeh stayed another week. He and Anna went shopping. He bought many things for Fatie, Anna's mother, which Anna picked them up. He bought some clothes for himself; and then he bought many things for all the people that worked in his state. With Anna's insistence Mehdi, their gardener and his family got special treatment. They were always her favorite. his children were Anna's childhood friends. She could not believe when his father told him that Mehdi's daughter now had two children. She was just about a few months younger than Anna. It was because of her wedding, Anna thought, that her whole story began. Steve came to Anna's apartment every evening, sometimes they ate Anna's cooking, since Stacy didn't not know how to cook, but she was great making dessert, and sometimes they went to a restaurant. Shahzdeh never let Steve pay for dinner; one of Persian custom that always the elder spays. Two days before Shahzdeh's departure, after dinner, when four of them had tea, Persian style, and conversation, Shahzdeh casually and spontaneously said: "Anna, do you ever miss your piano?"
Anna's eyes dilated. She had missed her piano every second of her life abroad. Stacy put her cup down on the table and went to a deep thinking. Everyone noticed that. She finally said: "You never told me that you play piano."
"I might have told you. It's not a big deal."
Steve came to rescue: "She told me about it."
Stacy did not say another word. On the other hand Shahzdeh had stirred up his daughter's deepest love for music. She sighed remembering the days she had gone to her room and played the piano. Shahzdeh had always known her mood by the tune she played. If the piano thundered, he knew that she was sad, angry, or upset; if it sounded breezy and gentle, he knew that she was content.
"Yes, dad, I miss my piano very much. I've been thinking to buy one. Now that you bought me a car, I can use the money I was saving to buy a piano."
Shahzdeh went to a deep thinking which always brought a deep furrow between his bushy eyebrows. He was fighting with himself not to invade Anna's independence, financial and otherwise. But wasn't that the reason he brought up the subject?
"Maybe we buy a piano while I am still here!"
"But I haven't saved enough money for it yet." Anna, irritated said. Stacy and Steve knew where the conversation was going to. In a short time knowing Shahzdeh, they knew he had a way to rain Anna with his love and money. Steve discerned that this intrusion from his future father-in-law would perhaps anger Anna; nevertheless, in the final analysis he also knew that Shahzdeh always would be in place of advantage because Anna would fight with her father but never to a degree of hurting him. Her love for her father was tremendous. He knew that Anna ultimately would not do anything to upset her ageing and departing father. This looked like an ongoing battle between two people with many shared past and disjointed future.
"Shahzdeh, if you allow me, I was thinking to buy her a piano as our wedding present." Steve realized right away that he said a very wrong thing; but the words had spilled out and he had no way of changing them back.
Anna looked at two men and then she studied herself real hard.. She wondered which one of them would buy the piano for her. It seemed like a race to her. Stacy seemed annoyed; but what appeared to be annoyance, was in fact envy. No one ever had offered her to buy her car or any other expensive thing. For her birthday, her parents had sent her fifty dollars and her boyfriend had given her a custom set of jewelery that they bought together for fifteen dollars, only Anna's present was something real valuable, they were a series of books that she wanted and cost more than hundred fifty dollars. Steve was not even in town on her birthday.
Anna realized her friend's frustration and thought to stop this intrusion before she would soften to the invaders.
"I won't accept it from either of you. I must buy it myself." Her words had a finality in them to make the two men stop the race. Steve did not say another word; but Shahzdeh retorted: "Let me buy it for you before I go back. Pay me back when you have enough money. Please!"
Anna knew there was no paying back when it came to her father. That would be an insult to a man like him.
"Dad, if I let you do this, there are going to be other things constantly; and you'll never let me to pay you back, you know it and I am sure of it."
"I promise, I will. Please Anna. I admit it makes me feel good when I buy you things."
"No, dad, in makes you feel in control." She said what she was fighting for a long time not to say. She looked at her father and saw how the effect of her words brought a sudden darkness into his face. His somber eyes grew cloudy.
"I am sorry. I didn't mean it."
Shahzdeh was sitting next to her on the sofa. He hugged her and made her to move closer to him. His Strong and manly hand on her back gave Anna a sense of warmth and shame. She put her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes; but her consciousness was interrupted. "I tell you what, dad. Let us do it; but promise no more." Shahzdeh drew her closer and kissed her head and face with his rainy eyes repeatedly. He was a lucky man that minute.
*
To Be Continued
Anna's eyes dilated. She had missed her piano every second of her life abroad. Stacy put her cup down on the table and went to a deep thinking. Everyone noticed that. She finally said: "You never told me that you play piano."
"I might have told you. It's not a big deal."
Steve came to rescue: "She told me about it."
Stacy did not say another word. On the other hand Shahzdeh had stirred up his daughter's deepest love for music. She sighed remembering the days she had gone to her room and played the piano. Shahzdeh had always known her mood by the tune she played. If the piano thundered, he knew that she was sad, angry, or upset; if it sounded breezy and gentle, he knew that she was content.
"Yes, dad, I miss my piano very much. I've been thinking to buy one. Now that you bought me a car, I can use the money I was saving to buy a piano."
Shahzdeh went to a deep thinking which always brought a deep furrow between his bushy eyebrows. He was fighting with himself not to invade Anna's independence, financial and otherwise. But wasn't that the reason he brought up the subject?
"Maybe we buy a piano while I am still here!"
"But I haven't saved enough money for it yet." Anna, irritated said. Stacy and Steve knew where the conversation was going to. In a short time knowing Shahzdeh, they knew he had a way to rain Anna with his love and money. Steve discerned that this intrusion from his future father-in-law would perhaps anger Anna; nevertheless, in the final analysis he also knew that Shahzdeh always would be in place of advantage because Anna would fight with her father but never to a degree of hurting him. Her love for her father was tremendous. He knew that Anna ultimately would not do anything to upset her ageing and departing father. This looked like an ongoing battle between two people with many shared past and disjointed future.
"Shahzdeh, if you allow me, I was thinking to buy her a piano as our wedding present." Steve realized right away that he said a very wrong thing; but the words had spilled out and he had no way of changing them back.
Anna looked at two men and then she studied herself real hard.. She wondered which one of them would buy the piano for her. It seemed like a race to her. Stacy seemed annoyed; but what appeared to be annoyance, was in fact envy. No one ever had offered her to buy her car or any other expensive thing. For her birthday, her parents had sent her fifty dollars and her boyfriend had given her a custom set of jewelery that they bought together for fifteen dollars, only Anna's present was something real valuable, they were a series of books that she wanted and cost more than hundred fifty dollars. Steve was not even in town on her birthday.
Anna realized her friend's frustration and thought to stop this intrusion before she would soften to the invaders.
"I won't accept it from either of you. I must buy it myself." Her words had a finality in them to make the two men stop the race. Steve did not say another word; but Shahzdeh retorted: "Let me buy it for you before I go back. Pay me back when you have enough money. Please!"
Anna knew there was no paying back when it came to her father. That would be an insult to a man like him.
"Dad, if I let you do this, there are going to be other things constantly; and you'll never let me to pay you back, you know it and I am sure of it."
"I promise, I will. Please Anna. I admit it makes me feel good when I buy you things."
"No, dad, in makes you feel in control." She said what she was fighting for a long time not to say. She looked at her father and saw how the effect of her words brought a sudden darkness into his face. His somber eyes grew cloudy.
"I am sorry. I didn't mean it."
Shahzdeh was sitting next to her on the sofa. He hugged her and made her to move closer to him. His Strong and manly hand on her back gave Anna a sense of warmth and shame. She put her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes; but her consciousness was interrupted. "I tell you what, dad. Let us do it; but promise no more." Shahzdeh drew her closer and kissed her head and face with his rainy eyes repeatedly. He was a lucky man that minute.
*
To Be Continued
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Twenty Three, Haunted
Inherently, why does one want to be free?
Is it free of chaos,
Or the freedom of the ideas that lead to enmity?
Is it to be free of good and evil,
Or the feeling of haunting guilt in memory?
Is it be free of confusion,
Or all the things that lead us to that mystery?
Is it to be free of what others think,
Or the neurotic disturbance of our sanity?
Is it to be free of early years,
Or the anxious flowing of feeling aimlessly?
Is it to be free of fearing the death,
Or the enticement to run away from tragedy?
But isn't every one's life is tragedy at the end?
*
Dear Diary:
"Sometimes a recollection from youth can rejuvenate an old soul, a weary spirit, and a desperate mind. I remember a trip on a happy day. The entire family was going on a trip to Mazandaran Province, by the Caspian sea, where my father had a villa in Ramsar by the beach. This happened only a few months before Aria left Iran for America. My heart was full of life and happiness. It was the first time that I had convinced my father to do something I wanted.
'Father, let us go by train. I've never been on a train.'
"I was extremely surprised when he said yes; nonetheless, he sent the driver and the car ahead of us to Ramsar.
'Okay, we go by train, but we come back by car.'
"In one of train stops, I got out and walked to the woods that enveloped Alborz Mountains. Aria came after me. He acted like a child that day. We ran after each other and played hide and seek. While I was hiding so Aria could find me, I saw this little girl. She was there, too, where I was hiding. I thought she was playing, too; but she wasn't. she was about six years old with brown hair color and beautiful, sad, and large brown eyes. Her clothes were dirty and cheap. She looked at me and suddenly smiled. Quietly she began trusting me. She didn't know who I was. She looked at me with those beautiful, sad eyes. I could hear Aria calling me. But I was unhearing to his call. Something inside me forcefully unmasked itself.
"When I went back into the train, my feelings and thoughts rippled on an event that felt extremely joyous that day; yet, I remembered those brown, sad eyes and I was ashamed of my happiness. Then I thought that someday I would recall this day and relive it, remember myself, Aria, father, mother, and that little girl. Then I thought when that day in future would come, this recollection, perhaps would save me and give me a pleasure beyond measure.
"Now, I am drifting there, back to that breezy spring which is encircling all my feelings in this retrospection; and I feel that memory is standing there for lookout over all my life. Now and forever I will remember that little girl, beautiful, large brown eyes, sad and definitely poor. But mostly I remember Aria, my beloved brother, as he was on that day and trip, playing hide and seek with me. He was twenty two then, I was fourteen. Up to then, our shared joy did not have any limit, it wasn't about being family. Our age difference was not a barrier for us to be close and share secrets.
"when he left for America only a few months later, I felt that part of my being had been fractured. Tonight I have the same feeling. I got engaged to a man that I love; yet I feel fractured and smashed by a force much powerful than any other violence like a force of a tropical storm. But something else happened tonight. I didn't see my father as a man that I knew. He was a new and different person. He was the reflection of Aria."
*
To Be Continued
Is it free of chaos,
Or the freedom of the ideas that lead to enmity?
Is it to be free of good and evil,
Or the feeling of haunting guilt in memory?
Is it be free of confusion,
Or all the things that lead us to that mystery?
Is it to be free of what others think,
Or the neurotic disturbance of our sanity?
Is it to be free of early years,
Or the anxious flowing of feeling aimlessly?
Is it to be free of fearing the death,
Or the enticement to run away from tragedy?
But isn't every one's life is tragedy at the end?
*
Dear Diary:
"Sometimes a recollection from youth can rejuvenate an old soul, a weary spirit, and a desperate mind. I remember a trip on a happy day. The entire family was going on a trip to Mazandaran Province, by the Caspian sea, where my father had a villa in Ramsar by the beach. This happened only a few months before Aria left Iran for America. My heart was full of life and happiness. It was the first time that I had convinced my father to do something I wanted.
'Father, let us go by train. I've never been on a train.'
"I was extremely surprised when he said yes; nonetheless, he sent the driver and the car ahead of us to Ramsar.
'Okay, we go by train, but we come back by car.'
"In one of train stops, I got out and walked to the woods that enveloped Alborz Mountains. Aria came after me. He acted like a child that day. We ran after each other and played hide and seek. While I was hiding so Aria could find me, I saw this little girl. She was there, too, where I was hiding. I thought she was playing, too; but she wasn't. she was about six years old with brown hair color and beautiful, sad, and large brown eyes. Her clothes were dirty and cheap. She looked at me and suddenly smiled. Quietly she began trusting me. She didn't know who I was. She looked at me with those beautiful, sad eyes. I could hear Aria calling me. But I was unhearing to his call. Something inside me forcefully unmasked itself.
"When I went back into the train, my feelings and thoughts rippled on an event that felt extremely joyous that day; yet, I remembered those brown, sad eyes and I was ashamed of my happiness. Then I thought that someday I would recall this day and relive it, remember myself, Aria, father, mother, and that little girl. Then I thought when that day in future would come, this recollection, perhaps would save me and give me a pleasure beyond measure.
"Now, I am drifting there, back to that breezy spring which is encircling all my feelings in this retrospection; and I feel that memory is standing there for lookout over all my life. Now and forever I will remember that little girl, beautiful, large brown eyes, sad and definitely poor. But mostly I remember Aria, my beloved brother, as he was on that day and trip, playing hide and seek with me. He was twenty two then, I was fourteen. Up to then, our shared joy did not have any limit, it wasn't about being family. Our age difference was not a barrier for us to be close and share secrets.
"when he left for America only a few months later, I felt that part of my being had been fractured. Tonight I have the same feeling. I got engaged to a man that I love; yet I feel fractured and smashed by a force much powerful than any other violence like a force of a tropical storm. But something else happened tonight. I didn't see my father as a man that I knew. He was a new and different person. He was the reflection of Aria."
*
To Be Continued
Twenty Two -----------Breaking Obstacles
Steve took Shahzdeh to Joe's cafe, where Anna had first found it on her own and then had taken Steve there. They ordered coffee.
"You know the reason I came here, don't you?" Shazdeh began.
Steve looked out to the dark of the night and city lights. "Yes, I think so; to see me."
"To see you and your family and above all to see Anna and her choice. I knew she would not make a mistake. I like all her decisions, and I think you're a decent human being."
Steve sighed of relief. "Thank you, sir."
"you can call me Ali!"
"I thought your name was Shahzdeh!"
"Shahzdeh is my title. Ali is my name."
"Tittle! I don't understand. Does every Iranian have a title? What does it mean?"
"Like Sir or Lord for British. In Farsi Shazdeh means Prince, or the descendant of an aristocratic forefathers. I am related from both my parents side to the last dynasty, Qajars. In fact Mohammad Ali Shah, the last that ruled the dynasty, was my first cousin. He was nephew to both my mother and father. My parents were cousins. In Iran, you know, cousins do marry, it is very customary practice." Shahzdeh, subliminally, wanted to tell Steve who he was.
"Then I prefer to call you Shahzdeh. I like the name and the concept of it. I like what it means. Is it okay to call you Shahzdeh?"
"Sure, but I am not here to discuss name. Before I go back to Iran. I like to meet your parents." Then he paused for a moment and started two cigarette and gave one to Steve. "I like you two get engaged while I am here; and then we can set a date for the wedding." Shahzdeh felt exhausted for his intrusion; however he could no go back home being in limbo not knowing what the two young people were doing. Just a proposal from Steve was not enough for him. Steve and his family should know that Anna had come form a different culture.
"I agree with you. I was thinking to bring up this subject tomorrow night."
"That is great. How about your parents? When can I see them? You know I can't stay here for ever."
"I can arrange that. I think tomorrow is a short notice for them. May be next weekend we have a little get together with them and I give Anna an engagement ring."
"That sounds great."
"But we can't tell Anna that we made this decision. We talk it over tomorrow night in front of her. I know it's going to lose its element of surprise: and I know perhaps Anna would prefer something more private like just between the two of us. But on this point, I agree with you completely."
Shahzdeh smiled and admired Steve's perception about his daughter and his respect for their culture.
At home, Anna and Stacy wondered what the two men were talking about.
"I bet they're talking about engagement and wedding." Anna was very annoyed
"You're right; but don't be upset. Let your father take control at this point. You've made your choice, let him follow through."
"I guess you're right. But I wish they talked it over with me first."
"Isn't marrying Steve what you want?"
"Yes."
"Then let your father works on the rest of the details. He is a great man."
"I know."
Walking back from Joe's cafe, Shahzdeh tempted to suggest another issue that was bothering him. Steve realized Shahzdeh's struggle within himself in his silence.
"Is there anything else you like to ask or know, Shahzdeh?"
Shahzdeh stopped walking and faced Steve. He was amazed by Steve's sensitivity; nevertheless, this issue was very important to him. " About your job, are you going to stay with CIA?"
"Don't you like me to work for CIA? That is an honorable and good paying job."
"I know, but there is a lot of danger and secrecy involved working for CIA." He was just a father wanted to protect his daughter and his future son-in-law.
"There is danger everywhere. We may get hit with a car. However, very soon I'll get my law degree and when I pass the Bar Exam, I guess I cam become a lawyer and leave CIA."
"That is great. Are you willing to do that for Anna and for my peace of mind?"
"To be honest, I've been thinking about it for a long time myself. Besides I'll do anything to please you and Anna."
"When will you get your degree?"
"I have only two more courses left. It's taking me longer than I expected because of my work and traveling a lot. I intend to finish this fall."
*
The engagement party was held in their favorite Italian restaurant. The Williams came to town the day before. Shahzdeh liked them at once. They also admired Shahzdeh's gentleness and dignity. In the private room, the Williams, Stacy, Steve, Shazdeh, Anna, and some of their close family and friends dinned. There, after dinner, Steve gave Anna the engagement ring they had bought it together a few days back. In the course of dessert, Steve said: "We need to set a date. I thought of January first, Anna' twentieth birthday." Then he looked at Anna begging for a pleasant response with his eyes.
Everyone thought that was a great and intelligent day Steve had chosen. Anna nodded her head for yes looking at Steve. Shahzdeh gave Steve a gold bracelet and a gold necklace to Stacy he had brought both from Iran. Anna wondered why he had not given those gifts to them earlier; but immediately she knew the answer to her question. "He wanted to make sure that everything is going to work out. He is a business man after all."
In bed, Anna relived that entire evening anew. To forget or to remember! Let it remember or prosper like weeds among grass, or not consider it at all? Somehow that evening had not been what she expected to be. It seemed to her that all was an intrusion to her freedom or to the sense of her liberty. But on the other hand, Steve, who was her choice, now had become her father's choice, too. She fought with herself not to rebel against it. What did she want then? Her relationship with Steve was becoming her transformation of him. This did not seem like the story of passion and a pending marriage. She felt like she was metamorphosing, just like an experiment. Self, no longer was a theoretical issue but it was an existential problem. To regret what was said in that delirium or disregard it? Everything seemed like a passing semblance of a distraught liberal, or assertion to her weakness, or the murmur of a confused woman, who had wanted to astound the world, but had she?
To Be Continued
"You know the reason I came here, don't you?" Shazdeh began.
Steve looked out to the dark of the night and city lights. "Yes, I think so; to see me."
"To see you and your family and above all to see Anna and her choice. I knew she would not make a mistake. I like all her decisions, and I think you're a decent human being."
Steve sighed of relief. "Thank you, sir."
"you can call me Ali!"
"I thought your name was Shahzdeh!"
"Shahzdeh is my title. Ali is my name."
"Tittle! I don't understand. Does every Iranian have a title? What does it mean?"
"Like Sir or Lord for British. In Farsi Shazdeh means Prince, or the descendant of an aristocratic forefathers. I am related from both my parents side to the last dynasty, Qajars. In fact Mohammad Ali Shah, the last that ruled the dynasty, was my first cousin. He was nephew to both my mother and father. My parents were cousins. In Iran, you know, cousins do marry, it is very customary practice." Shahzdeh, subliminally, wanted to tell Steve who he was.
"Then I prefer to call you Shahzdeh. I like the name and the concept of it. I like what it means. Is it okay to call you Shahzdeh?"
"Sure, but I am not here to discuss name. Before I go back to Iran. I like to meet your parents." Then he paused for a moment and started two cigarette and gave one to Steve. "I like you two get engaged while I am here; and then we can set a date for the wedding." Shahzdeh felt exhausted for his intrusion; however he could no go back home being in limbo not knowing what the two young people were doing. Just a proposal from Steve was not enough for him. Steve and his family should know that Anna had come form a different culture.
"I agree with you. I was thinking to bring up this subject tomorrow night."
"That is great. How about your parents? When can I see them? You know I can't stay here for ever."
"I can arrange that. I think tomorrow is a short notice for them. May be next weekend we have a little get together with them and I give Anna an engagement ring."
"That sounds great."
"But we can't tell Anna that we made this decision. We talk it over tomorrow night in front of her. I know it's going to lose its element of surprise: and I know perhaps Anna would prefer something more private like just between the two of us. But on this point, I agree with you completely."
Shahzdeh smiled and admired Steve's perception about his daughter and his respect for their culture.
At home, Anna and Stacy wondered what the two men were talking about.
"I bet they're talking about engagement and wedding." Anna was very annoyed
"You're right; but don't be upset. Let your father take control at this point. You've made your choice, let him follow through."
"I guess you're right. But I wish they talked it over with me first."
"Isn't marrying Steve what you want?"
"Yes."
"Then let your father works on the rest of the details. He is a great man."
"I know."
Walking back from Joe's cafe, Shahzdeh tempted to suggest another issue that was bothering him. Steve realized Shahzdeh's struggle within himself in his silence.
"Is there anything else you like to ask or know, Shahzdeh?"
Shahzdeh stopped walking and faced Steve. He was amazed by Steve's sensitivity; nevertheless, this issue was very important to him. " About your job, are you going to stay with CIA?"
"Don't you like me to work for CIA? That is an honorable and good paying job."
"I know, but there is a lot of danger and secrecy involved working for CIA." He was just a father wanted to protect his daughter and his future son-in-law.
"There is danger everywhere. We may get hit with a car. However, very soon I'll get my law degree and when I pass the Bar Exam, I guess I cam become a lawyer and leave CIA."
"That is great. Are you willing to do that for Anna and for my peace of mind?"
"To be honest, I've been thinking about it for a long time myself. Besides I'll do anything to please you and Anna."
"When will you get your degree?"
"I have only two more courses left. It's taking me longer than I expected because of my work and traveling a lot. I intend to finish this fall."
*
The engagement party was held in their favorite Italian restaurant. The Williams came to town the day before. Shahzdeh liked them at once. They also admired Shahzdeh's gentleness and dignity. In the private room, the Williams, Stacy, Steve, Shazdeh, Anna, and some of their close family and friends dinned. There, after dinner, Steve gave Anna the engagement ring they had bought it together a few days back. In the course of dessert, Steve said: "We need to set a date. I thought of January first, Anna' twentieth birthday." Then he looked at Anna begging for a pleasant response with his eyes.
Everyone thought that was a great and intelligent day Steve had chosen. Anna nodded her head for yes looking at Steve. Shahzdeh gave Steve a gold bracelet and a gold necklace to Stacy he had brought both from Iran. Anna wondered why he had not given those gifts to them earlier; but immediately she knew the answer to her question. "He wanted to make sure that everything is going to work out. He is a business man after all."
In bed, Anna relived that entire evening anew. To forget or to remember! Let it remember or prosper like weeds among grass, or not consider it at all? Somehow that evening had not been what she expected to be. It seemed to her that all was an intrusion to her freedom or to the sense of her liberty. But on the other hand, Steve, who was her choice, now had become her father's choice, too. She fought with herself not to rebel against it. What did she want then? Her relationship with Steve was becoming her transformation of him. This did not seem like the story of passion and a pending marriage. She felt like she was metamorphosing, just like an experiment. Self, no longer was a theoretical issue but it was an existential problem. To regret what was said in that delirium or disregard it? Everything seemed like a passing semblance of a distraught liberal, or assertion to her weakness, or the murmur of a confused woman, who had wanted to astound the world, but had she?
To Be Continued
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Twenty Two, B ||||||| Breaking Obstacles
As we ceaselessly create our thoughts, what ever we find in our minds, we must unite ourselves with them, for our hearts are not given to us by choice.. Part of human nature is warm, understanding, alive, striking,and telling; and its quintessence is more like a bird than a piece of object. We like to fly like a bird to unknowns until things become known to us. Nevertheless, the obstacles on our way, most of the time, are frightening, as they are for the birds.But do we face the challenges for they are there and we can not pass them in our flight without confronting them.
This whole situation for a man like Shahzdeh was provoking. It stimulated the core of his entity to a point that he even envied his own daughter, her choices, plans, her wanting to get higher education even after marriage, and her life style; nevertheless he was also proud and took some credit for bringing her to the world, raising her, and providing her with the best education that money can buy in Iran and later here in America. Now, if she would allow him to give, whatever he could, he would fell more of a man, it would make him to feel part of her life. But his brain said things against his heart, and for the first time, he was forced to follow his brain when It came to Anna, his only child, the love of his life.
On Friday afternoon, Steve took half a day off from work to go car shopping with Shahzdeh and Anna. Before leaving, Shahzdeh insisted on Stacy going with them. He liked her as she was her own daughter. The feeling was mutual.
Everyone had an idea what kind of car was best for Anna. Shahzdeh thought a big American car was the best.
"American cars are much safer and they last." He said.
"You're right. But those are the cars that they export. It's unfortunate that they don't build the same quality car for the domestic use." Steve responded to Shahzdeh's suggestion.
Anna wanted a small car, and Stacy though a mini van would be neat.
After checking many car dealership, when everyone was exhausted, Anna finally broke her long silence and said: "Dad, I don't want you to spend a lot of money. I agree you buy me a car, but I didn't agree to a new, and expensive one. Let's just buy a good used car."
Shahzdeh looked at her vehemently and sighed. "Sweetheart, let's do it right. A used car is someone else headache. Let me buy you a new car please." His voice was like a child then. Anna put her hand on her father's shoulder, who was sitting in front, and kissed the back of his head. She suddenly felt that this was the least she could do for her father- make him to feel important.
"Okay dad, whatever you say."
By the time they were done shopping, every one was extremely tired, Anna's new, blue BMW stayed in the dealership to be delivered the next morning to her apartment, and the delivery man would take position of Anna's old bug even though Shahzdeh thought it was a good idea not to trade in that car and keep it. In the finance office, where all the paper work was done, Shahzdeh paid cash for the car he bought in Anna's name. Steve and Stacy looked at each other with an amplified amazement. They had never seen that much cash and travelers check. They wondered if Shahzdeh always carried that much money in his briefcase!
Shahzdeh offered that they go to a restaurant for dinner. They all were hungry and exhausted. Car Shopping had taken seven hours. On the way home, Steve said: "I like to invite you to my favorite Italian restaurant tomorrow night." Then he looked at Shahzdeh who was sitting in front next to him while driving Anna's old bug: "If it is agreeable to you?"
Shahzdeh smiled. "Of course!"
"I come at seven. May be we all go with Anna's new car."
Shahzdeh had accomplished one of his goals, buying a good car for his daughter, but there was something else he wanted to know before going back to Iran. He wanted a date, a wedding date; he wanted to meet Steve's parents; but he did not know how to ask these questions without offending Anna and her sense of freedom. He didn't know much about American custom that sometimes people dated a long time before ring and a date. Dueling in his mind, he thought the best way to pursue this matter was to talk to Steve privately, man to man, rather than irritating his "INDEPENDENT" daughter. In front of apartment, he paused for a moment until the girls got out of the car. Then he turned to Steve and said: "I need to talk to you privately."
For some odd reason, Steve expecting this approach. "Sure, sir."
They got out of the car, too. Steve told Anna and Stacy: "You two go in. Shahzdeh and I want to walk a little."
The two friends looked at each other. They both guessed why the two men wanted to be alone. Anna thought. "How can they make a decision for me without me being there. My dad is invading my Independence again." She was deeply hurt, but she did not say anything and they went in.
To Be Continued
This whole situation for a man like Shahzdeh was provoking. It stimulated the core of his entity to a point that he even envied his own daughter, her choices, plans, her wanting to get higher education even after marriage, and her life style; nevertheless he was also proud and took some credit for bringing her to the world, raising her, and providing her with the best education that money can buy in Iran and later here in America. Now, if she would allow him to give, whatever he could, he would fell more of a man, it would make him to feel part of her life. But his brain said things against his heart, and for the first time, he was forced to follow his brain when It came to Anna, his only child, the love of his life.
On Friday afternoon, Steve took half a day off from work to go car shopping with Shahzdeh and Anna. Before leaving, Shahzdeh insisted on Stacy going with them. He liked her as she was her own daughter. The feeling was mutual.
Everyone had an idea what kind of car was best for Anna. Shahzdeh thought a big American car was the best.
"American cars are much safer and they last." He said.
"You're right. But those are the cars that they export. It's unfortunate that they don't build the same quality car for the domestic use." Steve responded to Shahzdeh's suggestion.
Anna wanted a small car, and Stacy though a mini van would be neat.
After checking many car dealership, when everyone was exhausted, Anna finally broke her long silence and said: "Dad, I don't want you to spend a lot of money. I agree you buy me a car, but I didn't agree to a new, and expensive one. Let's just buy a good used car."
Shahzdeh looked at her vehemently and sighed. "Sweetheart, let's do it right. A used car is someone else headache. Let me buy you a new car please." His voice was like a child then. Anna put her hand on her father's shoulder, who was sitting in front, and kissed the back of his head. She suddenly felt that this was the least she could do for her father- make him to feel important.
"Okay dad, whatever you say."
By the time they were done shopping, every one was extremely tired, Anna's new, blue BMW stayed in the dealership to be delivered the next morning to her apartment, and the delivery man would take position of Anna's old bug even though Shahzdeh thought it was a good idea not to trade in that car and keep it. In the finance office, where all the paper work was done, Shahzdeh paid cash for the car he bought in Anna's name. Steve and Stacy looked at each other with an amplified amazement. They had never seen that much cash and travelers check. They wondered if Shahzdeh always carried that much money in his briefcase!
Shahzdeh offered that they go to a restaurant for dinner. They all were hungry and exhausted. Car Shopping had taken seven hours. On the way home, Steve said: "I like to invite you to my favorite Italian restaurant tomorrow night." Then he looked at Shahzdeh who was sitting in front next to him while driving Anna's old bug: "If it is agreeable to you?"
Shahzdeh smiled. "Of course!"
"I come at seven. May be we all go with Anna's new car."
Shahzdeh had accomplished one of his goals, buying a good car for his daughter, but there was something else he wanted to know before going back to Iran. He wanted a date, a wedding date; he wanted to meet Steve's parents; but he did not know how to ask these questions without offending Anna and her sense of freedom. He didn't know much about American custom that sometimes people dated a long time before ring and a date. Dueling in his mind, he thought the best way to pursue this matter was to talk to Steve privately, man to man, rather than irritating his "INDEPENDENT" daughter. In front of apartment, he paused for a moment until the girls got out of the car. Then he turned to Steve and said: "I need to talk to you privately."
For some odd reason, Steve expecting this approach. "Sure, sir."
They got out of the car, too. Steve told Anna and Stacy: "You two go in. Shahzdeh and I want to walk a little."
The two friends looked at each other. They both guessed why the two men wanted to be alone. Anna thought. "How can they make a decision for me without me being there. My dad is invading my Independence again." She was deeply hurt, but she did not say anything and they went in.
To Be Continued
Friday, June 25, 2010
Twenty Two, Breaking Obstacles
There are times, many times, I want to fly;
Somewhere high, very far, even into sky.
There are times, many times, I want to break chains,
And free myself of leading to pains.
When they block my vision, they impede,
My liberty, my freedom, my need.
No matter that my endeavor is in vain.
The shadows around always remain.
I flow like a river, I rise,
Above all obstacles, even with closed eyes.
*
Steve's deliberate witticism, which was his inborn nature and the way he was, granted him Shahzdeh's admiration immediately. Anna's dad, who always had an aura of a mentor and a father figure, was also received very favorably by Steve. Their conversation began with ordinary things and soon was transformed into much profound subjects; nevertheless, the core of their talks was mostly politics, CIA, and political, financial, and cultural condition in Iran. Occasionally Anna and Stacy participated, too; but mostly they sat back, relaxed, and enjoyed the uniting of the two men, soon to be family.
Anna felt something new in her blooming, a creative thing, a feeling of completeness; yet, a sense of confusion was still in her, that subjective chaos that had outlived all other disorders. However, the trembling of that scared creator, herself, was behind her. She suspected the beauty and drama of her life, the delicacy, enchantment, and empathy of this serene life and feeling for the past few months. Who was this new person? Where was that emotional anarchy that had long dominated her existence?
She had thought when the two men she adored would meet, she would be shy and to some extent reserve; for no girl in her family had introduced her future husband to her father. It has always been the other way around. But now, she had no sense of shame. Quiet differently, she was proud and relaxed; for she was certain that her father approved of her choice.
In the kitchen, when the two friends were washing the dishes after dinner, Stacy squeezed Anna's arm and whispered in her ears: "Do you see what I see?"
Anna smiled and kissed her on the cheek. There was a glow in her eyes.
Around eleven, Steve got up to leave. He had noticed Shahzdeh's sleepy eyes.
"I enjoyed talking to you a lot, sir. I must go now. Tomorrow is a work day."
Shahzdeh got up from his chair. He looked tired but somehow Anna felt that he did not want Steve to leave, not yet.
"I enjoyed talking to you, too. We talk more in coming days."
Steve offered his hand for a shake, but Shahzdeh embraced him instead, Persian style. Steve was lingering from one foot to another because he wanted to talk to Anna privately before leaving, he did not know how to ask her to step out for a minute in front of her father. Shahzdeh perceived his ambiguity and with a sweet smile, it had been lost from his face since Aria's death, said: "Anna, why don't you walk with Steve to his car?"
Steve was stupefied. :He read my mind." He thought. Anna and Stacy were astounded, too. Anna, shyly closed the door behind her and walked with Steve to his car.
"I like your father a lot. He is not a man that I thought would be."
"What kind of man did you think he would be?"
"I don't know, stern, backward, not intelligent..."
"You haven't seen anything yet. His collection of books is one of the best. He has willed them to Iranian National Library when he passes. He reads all the time."
"I've had a very pleasant visit. To be honest I was frighten of this first visit."
"I am glad."
They stopped next to his car. He pulled her to him and kissed her lips. Now that Anna knew her father's consent, she kissed him back and stayed in his warmth for as long as she wanted. Steve caressed her hair and back and kissed her more. She was melting beneath his kisses and caresses while feeling his wet, warm lips on hers. Her sense of freedom was aggrandized while the obstacles of past seemed disappearing. She was free to kiss him back and to melt of pleasure and not feel bad about it.
*
To Be Continued
Somewhere high, very far, even into sky.
There are times, many times, I want to break chains,
And free myself of leading to pains.
When they block my vision, they impede,
My liberty, my freedom, my need.
No matter that my endeavor is in vain.
The shadows around always remain.
I flow like a river, I rise,
Above all obstacles, even with closed eyes.
*
Steve's deliberate witticism, which was his inborn nature and the way he was, granted him Shahzdeh's admiration immediately. Anna's dad, who always had an aura of a mentor and a father figure, was also received very favorably by Steve. Their conversation began with ordinary things and soon was transformed into much profound subjects; nevertheless, the core of their talks was mostly politics, CIA, and political, financial, and cultural condition in Iran. Occasionally Anna and Stacy participated, too; but mostly they sat back, relaxed, and enjoyed the uniting of the two men, soon to be family.
Anna felt something new in her blooming, a creative thing, a feeling of completeness; yet, a sense of confusion was still in her, that subjective chaos that had outlived all other disorders. However, the trembling of that scared creator, herself, was behind her. She suspected the beauty and drama of her life, the delicacy, enchantment, and empathy of this serene life and feeling for the past few months. Who was this new person? Where was that emotional anarchy that had long dominated her existence?
She had thought when the two men she adored would meet, she would be shy and to some extent reserve; for no girl in her family had introduced her future husband to her father. It has always been the other way around. But now, she had no sense of shame. Quiet differently, she was proud and relaxed; for she was certain that her father approved of her choice.
In the kitchen, when the two friends were washing the dishes after dinner, Stacy squeezed Anna's arm and whispered in her ears: "Do you see what I see?"
Anna smiled and kissed her on the cheek. There was a glow in her eyes.
Around eleven, Steve got up to leave. He had noticed Shahzdeh's sleepy eyes.
"I enjoyed talking to you a lot, sir. I must go now. Tomorrow is a work day."
Shahzdeh got up from his chair. He looked tired but somehow Anna felt that he did not want Steve to leave, not yet.
"I enjoyed talking to you, too. We talk more in coming days."
Steve offered his hand for a shake, but Shahzdeh embraced him instead, Persian style. Steve was lingering from one foot to another because he wanted to talk to Anna privately before leaving, he did not know how to ask her to step out for a minute in front of her father. Shahzdeh perceived his ambiguity and with a sweet smile, it had been lost from his face since Aria's death, said: "Anna, why don't you walk with Steve to his car?"
Steve was stupefied. :He read my mind." He thought. Anna and Stacy were astounded, too. Anna, shyly closed the door behind her and walked with Steve to his car.
"I like your father a lot. He is not a man that I thought would be."
"What kind of man did you think he would be?"
"I don't know, stern, backward, not intelligent..."
"You haven't seen anything yet. His collection of books is one of the best. He has willed them to Iranian National Library when he passes. He reads all the time."
"I've had a very pleasant visit. To be honest I was frighten of this first visit."
"I am glad."
They stopped next to his car. He pulled her to him and kissed her lips. Now that Anna knew her father's consent, she kissed him back and stayed in his warmth for as long as she wanted. Steve caressed her hair and back and kissed her more. She was melting beneath his kisses and caresses while feeling his wet, warm lips on hers. Her sense of freedom was aggrandized while the obstacles of past seemed disappearing. She was free to kiss him back and to melt of pleasure and not feel bad about it.
*
To Be Continued
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Twenty One----------Free of Chain
When Stacy heard the news, she began dancing like a gypsy. Then She hugged Anna and forced her to dance with her.
"We are going to be sisters." Stacy said repeatedly.
After the excitement subsided and Stacy calmed down, Anna asked her to sit down. "I need to talk to you."
Stacy knew that every time Anna said "I need to talk to you", it meant trouble, ambiguity, and hesitation.
What is it? You're not going to change your mind, are you?"
"No, Stacy. I love Steve. I don't know how to tell my father. That is my problem."
Stacy had never thought about that. It was a problem. Living with Anna for all these time had taught her many things about culture and custom of her people. Now, she perfectly understood her friend's perplexity.
"You're right." This was the first time she was agreeing with Anna. "Lets think about it. You know Your father has changed the same way that you have changed. He has come to accept many things about you gradually. Why don't you invite him to come here for visit so he can meet Stave. I am sure, then, he finds out for himself."
"It's a good idea; but no, I can't do this. I can't be deceptive especially to my father. He needs to know before coming. I must tell him."
"I guess you're right. If any body can do it, it's you. It's not going to be easy; but you can do it. Remember how hard it was to tell him not to send you money, but you did it and he accepted it.!"
Anna practiced the conversation with her father for the entire week, what she would say, what he would say; but when finally they talked Sunday morning, it was nothing like the way she had practiced. Shahzdeh did not object or argue his daughter's decision. She did not know that her father was growing, too. She tried to read between her father's words so she could interpret them, but that was impossible. After they finished talking, she realized that her father was not hurt and he was truthful when he showed happiness. That was a joyous day in her life.
Shahzdeh came in two weeks. Stacy and Steve wanted to go to the airport with Anna, but she wanted that moment alone. They agreed. When she saw her father entering the terminal, she sighed. He had aged beyond belief since Aria's death, last year. She clung to him for a long time and did not want to let go of him. She was again a little girl.
"I wish mother could come, too."
Shahzdeh smiled. "She'll come for the wedding."
After getting his luggage, they went out. It was a hot July afternoon. He looked tired and old. "You look tired. Are you okay, dad?"
"It's just the jet leg. I'll be fine."
In the car, Shahzdeh listened to the sound of Anna's old car. "You need a new car. This car is going to break down soon."
"I know dad. I am saving money for the down payment. In a few months, I'll be bale to buy a new car."
Shahzdeh thought for a moment and said what he was fighting not to say: "Will you let me to buy you a car?'
Anna was not surprised. He was invading her independence again. But on the other hand, he looked so old, so very old.
"Yes, dad, if it makes you happy."
In Anna's apartment, Shahzdeh felt he would be a burden. They only had two bedrooms, Anna's was very small. After cleaning up and resting a little, Shahzdeh, who was mostly self educated and spoke fairly good English, said: " Anna, why don't you get me a room in a hotel close by. I don't want to be a burden."
Anna looked at Stacy. Somehow she expected her friend to answer this. She did not want her father in a hotel. Stacy read her mind and answered instead of Anna: "You're not a burden at all. We can manage here." Stacy said. "We want you here."
Shahzdeh retorted: "You have a Small apartment. I can be here all day and go to the hotel at night to sleep."
He might have been right; but none of the friends wanted this. Stacy found out the strong empathy between father and daughter right away. She retorted back: "You can take Anna's bedroom. She and I take mine which is bigger. It's not going to kill us."
Shahzdeh could not argue anymore with the two strong women, but he suggested that he would take the sofa and they keep their bedrooms. Everybody finally came to agreement. Shahzdeh came to like Stacy right away.
Anna, Stacy, and Steve had discussed that it was not proper for Steve to drop by the first night of Shahzdeh's stay. However, Shahzdeh was impatient to visit his future son-in-law. Being tired could not stop him of seeing his daughter's choice.
"Is your brother coming here tonight?" He asked Stacy.
The two friends looked at each other. Anna blushed.
"We thought you need to rest tonight. You'll see him tomorrow."
"I'm fine. What do you think I am, an old man? Why don't you call him. I like to meet him." He was trying to be humorous.
Stacy did not argue and went to bedroom to call Steve.
Shahzdeh had gone a long way from dawn of his life to the dusk. he had never thought of a day like this. He had earned a growth, it had been held for him, as his daughter was growing. In his discordance, he saw it now in the light of his daughter's life, that he also belonged to the majority of the people who wanted to live. He knew now that he could not change others and had to rectify himself to them.
In this compelling moment of his life, when he had decided on a very important issue, his actions were ruled not only by cloudless consciousness, but also by an internal inclination which flew from his deepest natural groundwork. He was completely a new man; and he owed this new him to his daughter and her actions.
To Be Continued
"We are going to be sisters." Stacy said repeatedly.
After the excitement subsided and Stacy calmed down, Anna asked her to sit down. "I need to talk to you."
Stacy knew that every time Anna said "I need to talk to you", it meant trouble, ambiguity, and hesitation.
What is it? You're not going to change your mind, are you?"
"No, Stacy. I love Steve. I don't know how to tell my father. That is my problem."
Stacy had never thought about that. It was a problem. Living with Anna for all these time had taught her many things about culture and custom of her people. Now, she perfectly understood her friend's perplexity.
"You're right." This was the first time she was agreeing with Anna. "Lets think about it. You know Your father has changed the same way that you have changed. He has come to accept many things about you gradually. Why don't you invite him to come here for visit so he can meet Stave. I am sure, then, he finds out for himself."
"It's a good idea; but no, I can't do this. I can't be deceptive especially to my father. He needs to know before coming. I must tell him."
"I guess you're right. If any body can do it, it's you. It's not going to be easy; but you can do it. Remember how hard it was to tell him not to send you money, but you did it and he accepted it.!"
Anna practiced the conversation with her father for the entire week, what she would say, what he would say; but when finally they talked Sunday morning, it was nothing like the way she had practiced. Shahzdeh did not object or argue his daughter's decision. She did not know that her father was growing, too. She tried to read between her father's words so she could interpret them, but that was impossible. After they finished talking, she realized that her father was not hurt and he was truthful when he showed happiness. That was a joyous day in her life.
Shahzdeh came in two weeks. Stacy and Steve wanted to go to the airport with Anna, but she wanted that moment alone. They agreed. When she saw her father entering the terminal, she sighed. He had aged beyond belief since Aria's death, last year. She clung to him for a long time and did not want to let go of him. She was again a little girl.
"I wish mother could come, too."
Shahzdeh smiled. "She'll come for the wedding."
After getting his luggage, they went out. It was a hot July afternoon. He looked tired and old. "You look tired. Are you okay, dad?"
"It's just the jet leg. I'll be fine."
In the car, Shahzdeh listened to the sound of Anna's old car. "You need a new car. This car is going to break down soon."
"I know dad. I am saving money for the down payment. In a few months, I'll be bale to buy a new car."
Shahzdeh thought for a moment and said what he was fighting not to say: "Will you let me to buy you a car?'
Anna was not surprised. He was invading her independence again. But on the other hand, he looked so old, so very old.
"Yes, dad, if it makes you happy."
In Anna's apartment, Shahzdeh felt he would be a burden. They only had two bedrooms, Anna's was very small. After cleaning up and resting a little, Shahzdeh, who was mostly self educated and spoke fairly good English, said: " Anna, why don't you get me a room in a hotel close by. I don't want to be a burden."
Anna looked at Stacy. Somehow she expected her friend to answer this. She did not want her father in a hotel. Stacy read her mind and answered instead of Anna: "You're not a burden at all. We can manage here." Stacy said. "We want you here."
Shahzdeh retorted: "You have a Small apartment. I can be here all day and go to the hotel at night to sleep."
He might have been right; but none of the friends wanted this. Stacy found out the strong empathy between father and daughter right away. She retorted back: "You can take Anna's bedroom. She and I take mine which is bigger. It's not going to kill us."
Shahzdeh could not argue anymore with the two strong women, but he suggested that he would take the sofa and they keep their bedrooms. Everybody finally came to agreement. Shahzdeh came to like Stacy right away.
Anna, Stacy, and Steve had discussed that it was not proper for Steve to drop by the first night of Shahzdeh's stay. However, Shahzdeh was impatient to visit his future son-in-law. Being tired could not stop him of seeing his daughter's choice.
"Is your brother coming here tonight?" He asked Stacy.
The two friends looked at each other. Anna blushed.
"We thought you need to rest tonight. You'll see him tomorrow."
"I'm fine. What do you think I am, an old man? Why don't you call him. I like to meet him." He was trying to be humorous.
Stacy did not argue and went to bedroom to call Steve.
Shahzdeh had gone a long way from dawn of his life to the dusk. he had never thought of a day like this. He had earned a growth, it had been held for him, as his daughter was growing. In his discordance, he saw it now in the light of his daughter's life, that he also belonged to the majority of the people who wanted to live. He knew now that he could not change others and had to rectify himself to them.
In this compelling moment of his life, when he had decided on a very important issue, his actions were ruled not only by cloudless consciousness, but also by an internal inclination which flew from his deepest natural groundwork. He was completely a new man; and he owed this new him to his daughter and her actions.
To Be Continued
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Twenty One//////Free of Chain
Anna, on the other hand, noticed the changes in her father at once by talking to him only once a week. Sometimes she felt guilty of wanting to be independent. Discussing her observation with Stacy and Steve helped her to understand that even though each person has a root, she needed to grow alone and free of influence from her root. Her brain comprehended their logic, but her heart burned of despair and sadness for her father.
As Anna's relationship with Steve was becoming more serious and taking a different path, she was still hesitant to tell her father about Steve. She had become a pioneer in her class to swim against the current, a current that had been set steadily for women in her family for years, even a whole century. Nevertheless, how could she hide such an important issue from her father? Steve had proposed to her. He wanted to marry her. She had said maybe, and then yes. They had even kissed. She remembered that first kiss, when Steve had brought her home from a date. In front of her apartment, they stayed in the dark car, this time her car since Steve's car was in repair shop, for over an hour. He was awfully silent. She had realized that he was debating in his mind the big question.
"You're very quiet tonight, Steve!"
He gazed at her in the dark. The light of the campus reflected on half of Anna's face and hair. The half of her brown hair shone like gold.
"I have something to tell you but I'm afraid of saying it. I am afraid of your response."
"How can you be afraid if you don't know my response?"
"That is why I am afraid because I don't know."
"Well, do you want to keep it for yourself? Then you'll never know my response." She had a very good idea what he wanted to tell her. In fact, since she had decided not to fight her feelings but let them to take their natural courses, she was expecting this.
Steve held her hand. She had not fought this innocent touch anymore. She eased her hand into his and allowed that warmth to shiver her to excitement.
"Anna..." He stopped.
She gently massaged the back of his hand and stayed silent.
"Anna,... I love you. I want to marry you. How do you feel about it?"
He finally said what was in his mind for awhile. She was not a typical woman; therefore, his proposal could not been ordinary either. It had to be real. She felt blood rushing to her head. She suddenly felt a burning sensation all over her body. She knew he was waiting impatiently for her answer. Although she wanted to hear what he had just said for a long time, now that she heard it, it felt like a heavy weight on her shoulders. Nonetheless, she could not analyze and explore her life in the romantic ambiance of her small Bug. He wanted an answer. He deserved an answer; and she had to be honest.
"I love you, too, Steve. May be... No, I am not sure... Yes, I marry you." She said so many different thing that even gave her a giddiness. However, the last part of the answer was yes; and that was what Steve heard. He thought he was hearing those words in dreams, but when he felt her gentle caresses on his hand, he broke the silence. There was this glow in his eyes, even visible in the dark, that she had never seen it before.
"Oh, Anna, I love you more than life. You won't regret this. I make you the happiest woman in the world."
Anna had an objection to the word "I make you", but before she was able to say anything, he puled her toward himself. Their lips met for the first time. It was their first kiss, an innocent and delicious kiss. She savored that kiss the entire night.
To Be Continued
As Anna's relationship with Steve was becoming more serious and taking a different path, she was still hesitant to tell her father about Steve. She had become a pioneer in her class to swim against the current, a current that had been set steadily for women in her family for years, even a whole century. Nevertheless, how could she hide such an important issue from her father? Steve had proposed to her. He wanted to marry her. She had said maybe, and then yes. They had even kissed. She remembered that first kiss, when Steve had brought her home from a date. In front of her apartment, they stayed in the dark car, this time her car since Steve's car was in repair shop, for over an hour. He was awfully silent. She had realized that he was debating in his mind the big question.
"You're very quiet tonight, Steve!"
He gazed at her in the dark. The light of the campus reflected on half of Anna's face and hair. The half of her brown hair shone like gold.
"I have something to tell you but I'm afraid of saying it. I am afraid of your response."
"How can you be afraid if you don't know my response?"
"That is why I am afraid because I don't know."
"Well, do you want to keep it for yourself? Then you'll never know my response." She had a very good idea what he wanted to tell her. In fact, since she had decided not to fight her feelings but let them to take their natural courses, she was expecting this.
Steve held her hand. She had not fought this innocent touch anymore. She eased her hand into his and allowed that warmth to shiver her to excitement.
"Anna..." He stopped.
She gently massaged the back of his hand and stayed silent.
"Anna,... I love you. I want to marry you. How do you feel about it?"
He finally said what was in his mind for awhile. She was not a typical woman; therefore, his proposal could not been ordinary either. It had to be real. She felt blood rushing to her head. She suddenly felt a burning sensation all over her body. She knew he was waiting impatiently for her answer. Although she wanted to hear what he had just said for a long time, now that she heard it, it felt like a heavy weight on her shoulders. Nonetheless, she could not analyze and explore her life in the romantic ambiance of her small Bug. He wanted an answer. He deserved an answer; and she had to be honest.
"I love you, too, Steve. May be... No, I am not sure... Yes, I marry you." She said so many different thing that even gave her a giddiness. However, the last part of the answer was yes; and that was what Steve heard. He thought he was hearing those words in dreams, but when he felt her gentle caresses on his hand, he broke the silence. There was this glow in his eyes, even visible in the dark, that she had never seen it before.
"Oh, Anna, I love you more than life. You won't regret this. I make you the happiest woman in the world."
Anna had an objection to the word "I make you", but before she was able to say anything, he puled her toward himself. Their lips met for the first time. It was their first kiss, an innocent and delicious kiss. She savored that kiss the entire night.
To Be Continued
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Twenty One, Free of Chain
If I only feel the virtue and ache,
If I only resist the craving,
If I only never fake,
If I only move without raving,
I could retrospect the tormented king;
We could taste and smell the spring.
If I could only ignore the wind's whirl and roar,
And forget the grief that remain;
I will come to a light that shines at shore;
And I will see the blue from chain.
*
Our morning thoughts are not the same as the ones at night when we go to bed. What is born in the morning changes or die out at night. They change, their demands change, and their promises change. What matters the most is to be able to keep harmony between our demands, possibilities, and strength from morning to the night.
Anna learned that all alone. She would get up in the morning hopeful, but at night, she was depressed. But none of these conflicting feelings of facts stopped her of a natural growth, a growth that was free of all other obstacles, it was free of confusion and her impulsive ideas and opinion. It was a freedom of preternatural world she lived in and the power to perceive, deduce, and reveal herself.
From every spoken word or feeling, there are twice more unspoken ones. Secrets that we may not even aware of keeping them, are part of every day's life. When Anna spoke to Stacy of her deepest feeling, she knew inwardly that she was keeping some for herself; but she also knew that Stacy would do the same. There are things in life that one keep for herself eternally. Although keeping secrets inside oneself mostly bring suffering, but it is a fair price to pay for awareness; for after the revealing what is said and what is kept and the suffering that comes with it, one can justify that all these "keeping, revealing" lead to an enlightenment that worth the price, "Suffering".
Graduation came like any other day that comes and goes. The day after, it was one day old and it did not have the same savor. Stacy had two more classes to finish and she decided to get them over in Summer. On the other hand, Anna, who wanted to begin her graduate study right away, was too late to enroll, for her decision of not going back home came too late; therefore, she needed to wait for fall semester. However, she did not waste any time to get her nursing license which was an independent issue. She accepted the job offer from the hospital, she was already working as an intern. For the first time, she was becoming financially independent which felt so good that she did not remember if she had had that kind of feeling ever before. The money she was paid was more than enough for her Conservative style of living.
Anna's father knew about all the changes that were happening in his daughter's life. He knew that she would never return, and he knew that she did not depend on him financially anymore. It was real hard for him to accept it; or to let it go; but he learned to live with it. In fact, all these had presented him a sense of pride along with despair. He recognized that the past could not be altered but he could learn from it, even in his assumed old age. He did not want to have another Aria in his hand. he had no choice but to accept whatever decision Anna would make for her life. His feeling were torn between pride and joy on one hand and depression on the other. The day that Anna told him he need not to send her money, it was like standing next to a roaring ocean and looking into deeps of waves which ripples to the shore. As they brought a soothing breeze along with a comforting feeling of being with nature, they also brought a sense of obsoleteness for being so small compare to that great body of the water. He thought: "Is it hard for every father to let go or is it only for me?"
He had never learned to discuss his feeling with Fatie, his wife. Fatie also had learned that her duty was just be a wife and take care of the domestic affairs of the house. In fact, that was a kind of life that Anna was running away from. To them, in married life, there was no partnership or equality. It was an unwritten contract that no one spoke of it but everyone knew about it.
Shahzdeh, in his assumed old age, was just learning that he had also been a victim of that style of living that his forefathers had lived. That feeling of loneliness and disconnection was a tremendous despair on his shoulder. He remembered his interaction with Anna last Summer when she was back home for Aria's funeral. In fact, that was the only time that he had sensed comfort to express his feeling to a woman, his daughter, his deepest feeling. "Oh, how wonderful it was. How good I felt."
He began yearning the American style of living and finally came to understanding that his daughter was correct and she had every right not to live like him or her mother. He had grown old, but he had also grown young with a list of dreams, as young do; but all these dreams now were for his daughter, his only child, the only human being that was giving him a reason for living not existing. He just had to show all these new learning to his daughter in a fashionable way, by his words and actions, not his money. It was an arduous task and it needed an expert; nonetheless, he was determined to learn that skill in order not to grow apart from Anna.
To Be Continued
If I only resist the craving,
If I only never fake,
If I only move without raving,
I could retrospect the tormented king;
We could taste and smell the spring.
If I could only ignore the wind's whirl and roar,
And forget the grief that remain;
I will come to a light that shines at shore;
And I will see the blue from chain.
*
Our morning thoughts are not the same as the ones at night when we go to bed. What is born in the morning changes or die out at night. They change, their demands change, and their promises change. What matters the most is to be able to keep harmony between our demands, possibilities, and strength from morning to the night.
Anna learned that all alone. She would get up in the morning hopeful, but at night, she was depressed. But none of these conflicting feelings of facts stopped her of a natural growth, a growth that was free of all other obstacles, it was free of confusion and her impulsive ideas and opinion. It was a freedom of preternatural world she lived in and the power to perceive, deduce, and reveal herself.
From every spoken word or feeling, there are twice more unspoken ones. Secrets that we may not even aware of keeping them, are part of every day's life. When Anna spoke to Stacy of her deepest feeling, she knew inwardly that she was keeping some for herself; but she also knew that Stacy would do the same. There are things in life that one keep for herself eternally. Although keeping secrets inside oneself mostly bring suffering, but it is a fair price to pay for awareness; for after the revealing what is said and what is kept and the suffering that comes with it, one can justify that all these "keeping, revealing" lead to an enlightenment that worth the price, "Suffering".
Graduation came like any other day that comes and goes. The day after, it was one day old and it did not have the same savor. Stacy had two more classes to finish and she decided to get them over in Summer. On the other hand, Anna, who wanted to begin her graduate study right away, was too late to enroll, for her decision of not going back home came too late; therefore, she needed to wait for fall semester. However, she did not waste any time to get her nursing license which was an independent issue. She accepted the job offer from the hospital, she was already working as an intern. For the first time, she was becoming financially independent which felt so good that she did not remember if she had had that kind of feeling ever before. The money she was paid was more than enough for her Conservative style of living.
Anna's father knew about all the changes that were happening in his daughter's life. He knew that she would never return, and he knew that she did not depend on him financially anymore. It was real hard for him to accept it; or to let it go; but he learned to live with it. In fact, all these had presented him a sense of pride along with despair. He recognized that the past could not be altered but he could learn from it, even in his assumed old age. He did not want to have another Aria in his hand. he had no choice but to accept whatever decision Anna would make for her life. His feeling were torn between pride and joy on one hand and depression on the other. The day that Anna told him he need not to send her money, it was like standing next to a roaring ocean and looking into deeps of waves which ripples to the shore. As they brought a soothing breeze along with a comforting feeling of being with nature, they also brought a sense of obsoleteness for being so small compare to that great body of the water. He thought: "Is it hard for every father to let go or is it only for me?"
He had never learned to discuss his feeling with Fatie, his wife. Fatie also had learned that her duty was just be a wife and take care of the domestic affairs of the house. In fact, that was a kind of life that Anna was running away from. To them, in married life, there was no partnership or equality. It was an unwritten contract that no one spoke of it but everyone knew about it.
Shahzdeh, in his assumed old age, was just learning that he had also been a victim of that style of living that his forefathers had lived. That feeling of loneliness and disconnection was a tremendous despair on his shoulder. He remembered his interaction with Anna last Summer when she was back home for Aria's funeral. In fact, that was the only time that he had sensed comfort to express his feeling to a woman, his daughter, his deepest feeling. "Oh, how wonderful it was. How good I felt."
He began yearning the American style of living and finally came to understanding that his daughter was correct and she had every right not to live like him or her mother. He had grown old, but he had also grown young with a list of dreams, as young do; but all these dreams now were for his daughter, his only child, the only human being that was giving him a reason for living not existing. He just had to show all these new learning to his daughter in a fashionable way, by his words and actions, not his money. It was an arduous task and it needed an expert; nonetheless, he was determined to learn that skill in order not to grow apart from Anna.
To Be Continued
Monday, June 21, 2010
Twenty, Insomnia
" You know Anna, I was thinking to go for my master degree in nursing. In fact, you gave me the idea. Now you're backing up from it and discouraging me, too. " She was lying on the sofa. Anna could see a glow in her eyes. "Why don't we both do it.? Isn't that hat your plan was from the beginning?"
Stacy's words resounded in Anna's head for a few times before she was able to answer her friend, When they finally sank in, she got up from her chair, started a cigarette, and paced the room for a while.
"What am I going to do with it. I know that was my goal earlier, but now I see no reason for it."
"Well," Stacy started: "First I can have a better nursing position, like head nurse in a hospital. I can teach. I can go for my PhD. like you were planning. It'll make a whole lots of difference., more money..."
Anna could no longer hear was Stacy was telling her; instead in her mind she was thinking about the brilliance of the idea even though it was originally hers. More education, more time, more money , more independence! Finally she snapped out of her long silence.
"I am with you. We can be with each other a lot longer time; two more years for our master. May be even less. I am finishing four years college in two and a half, and two or three for out PhD., I think you hit the target Stacy."
Stacy smiled. She knew this idea which was originally Anna's might work.
Anna sank into her chair. She was overwhelmed by Steve's image and at the same time the image of the raging parents, and then her own future.
"WE both have a great idea Stacy. But what am I going to do with my parents. They are getting old. I am the only thing they have left."
"I understand. But they have had their lives, good and bad days. Now it's your time. No child ever stays with his parents for ever. You need to think about yourself, your future. They had theirs."
"This is cruel!"
"It sounds cruel, nut it isn't. It's reality."
Anna had a couple of days before Sunday morning to think about this renewed plan, which would but her more time and perhaps save her from perplexity. "By Sunday morning," She thought: "I'll make my decision."
When Anna was out walking Sunday afternoon, Stacy called Steve.
"I have good news for you."
"What is it?'
Anna is staying here."
"How? What happened?"
"She told her dad this morning that she would plan to stay and continue her higher education, as she had planed before, isn't that great?"
Steve sighed: "What are you doing tonight?"
"I have a date. Charlie is coming at seven, probably dinner and a movie."
"What if we double date?"
"That sounds great."
"I'll be there at seven, too."
"Don't you want to ask Anna first? She isn't home now."
"You tell her. Tell her I called."
To Be Continued
Stacy's words resounded in Anna's head for a few times before she was able to answer her friend, When they finally sank in, she got up from her chair, started a cigarette, and paced the room for a while.
"What am I going to do with it. I know that was my goal earlier, but now I see no reason for it."
"Well," Stacy started: "First I can have a better nursing position, like head nurse in a hospital. I can teach. I can go for my PhD. like you were planning. It'll make a whole lots of difference., more money..."
Anna could no longer hear was Stacy was telling her; instead in her mind she was thinking about the brilliance of the idea even though it was originally hers. More education, more time, more money , more independence! Finally she snapped out of her long silence.
"I am with you. We can be with each other a lot longer time; two more years for our master. May be even less. I am finishing four years college in two and a half, and two or three for out PhD., I think you hit the target Stacy."
Stacy smiled. She knew this idea which was originally Anna's might work.
Anna sank into her chair. She was overwhelmed by Steve's image and at the same time the image of the raging parents, and then her own future.
"WE both have a great idea Stacy. But what am I going to do with my parents. They are getting old. I am the only thing they have left."
"I understand. But they have had their lives, good and bad days. Now it's your time. No child ever stays with his parents for ever. You need to think about yourself, your future. They had theirs."
"This is cruel!"
"It sounds cruel, nut it isn't. It's reality."
Anna had a couple of days before Sunday morning to think about this renewed plan, which would but her more time and perhaps save her from perplexity. "By Sunday morning," She thought: "I'll make my decision."
When Anna was out walking Sunday afternoon, Stacy called Steve.
"I have good news for you."
"What is it?'
Anna is staying here."
"How? What happened?"
"She told her dad this morning that she would plan to stay and continue her higher education, as she had planed before, isn't that great?"
Steve sighed: "What are you doing tonight?"
"I have a date. Charlie is coming at seven, probably dinner and a movie."
"What if we double date?"
"That sounds great."
"I'll be there at seven, too."
"Don't you want to ask Anna first? She isn't home now."
"You tell her. Tell her I called."
To Be Continued
Twenty IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Insomnia
To Anna, Stacy was remarkable. The feeling she had for Stacy was beyond two friends who were studying the same thing, going to same college, working in a same hospital, and sharing the same roof. To Anna, Stacy was daring, straight forward, and she was a person who in the course of conversation, understood, created, changed, and changed others; and above all, she had impression, her eyes had impression. To her, Stacy was not only a dear friend, but she was also like a sister, and a blood relative. Anna knew if Stacy insisted her to stay in America, mostly was that she did not want to lose a good friend, and somewhat she wanted to unite her brother in marriage so they could become family. Even though there was some selfishness in Stacy's hidden effort to keep Anna in America, Anna recognized that all human had some degree of egoism, even the ones that were honorable and moral like Stacy.
The truth was that Anna, knowing how conditioned her life was, could sense the fragment on her unruly soul, smearing against all her internal body; and the world around her, her family, her life, Stacy, and even Steve had become painfully so dear to her suddenly. But to choose one over the other was painful. Her twofold feelings was despondent, like a bad dream that one fears to dream anew; and to run away from that dream to reality was a restricted getaway, for the dream stayed without consideration. She was faced by people who tried to brush away her doubtfulness and pain.
She was certain that Stacy's concern was for her well being; nonetheless, Stacy did not know how exhaustingly difficult was for her to reveal herself. She wished she could find the perfect words to to express herself to Stacy, seeing her worriment. Because of the respect she had for Stacy, she could not tell her lies, which neither of them accept it anyway.
All her life, Anna resented other people's intrusion in her decision making, but now making a decision was like climbing Mount Everest. She wished she was still a child so someone else could do it for her, or order her to do certain things; but she was not a child anymore. Religion was out of question, nonetheless, she wished she was religious so God would inject an answer into her veins like a sudden storm. She had been to church with Stacy a few times, where she had seen people had left the church with the same pain before they entered there. Those silent faces, who had come to the house of God with their sunken bodies in pain and despair, now were haunting Anna's vision with exasperation.
They had confusing series of sleepless nights. Anna's ambiguity and insomnia affected Stacy's sleep pattern, too. Their midnight conversation always started with Anna saying. "What if?" Her bewilderment smashed all the hopes, and accepting reality brought her a numbness. In fact, she was somewhere out of herself, looking at the magic of her ordinary life. However, in one of these sleepiness nights, a casual suggestion of Stacy brought her a sudden light. Unexpectedly everything came to clarification. She need to buy some more time, that precious element in her life. It was an excuse that her parents could not object it and would give her some time to think about what she wanted to do.
To Be Continued
The truth was that Anna, knowing how conditioned her life was, could sense the fragment on her unruly soul, smearing against all her internal body; and the world around her, her family, her life, Stacy, and even Steve had become painfully so dear to her suddenly. But to choose one over the other was painful. Her twofold feelings was despondent, like a bad dream that one fears to dream anew; and to run away from that dream to reality was a restricted getaway, for the dream stayed without consideration. She was faced by people who tried to brush away her doubtfulness and pain.
She was certain that Stacy's concern was for her well being; nonetheless, Stacy did not know how exhaustingly difficult was for her to reveal herself. She wished she could find the perfect words to to express herself to Stacy, seeing her worriment. Because of the respect she had for Stacy, she could not tell her lies, which neither of them accept it anyway.
All her life, Anna resented other people's intrusion in her decision making, but now making a decision was like climbing Mount Everest. She wished she was still a child so someone else could do it for her, or order her to do certain things; but she was not a child anymore. Religion was out of question, nonetheless, she wished she was religious so God would inject an answer into her veins like a sudden storm. She had been to church with Stacy a few times, where she had seen people had left the church with the same pain before they entered there. Those silent faces, who had come to the house of God with their sunken bodies in pain and despair, now were haunting Anna's vision with exasperation.
They had confusing series of sleepless nights. Anna's ambiguity and insomnia affected Stacy's sleep pattern, too. Their midnight conversation always started with Anna saying. "What if?" Her bewilderment smashed all the hopes, and accepting reality brought her a numbness. In fact, she was somewhere out of herself, looking at the magic of her ordinary life. However, in one of these sleepiness nights, a casual suggestion of Stacy brought her a sudden light. Unexpectedly everything came to clarification. She need to buy some more time, that precious element in her life. It was an excuse that her parents could not object it and would give her some time to think about what she wanted to do.
To Be Continued
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Twenty, Insomnia
Did the winter move away,
That pale, blue outline of melting snow,
That echo of all voices with dismay?
Or am I too late for such a show?
With a candle in hand, I took at remains,
At all traces, books, and the naked tree.
The shadow of candle flickers, oh, my pains!
In the depth of this hole, it is past and me.
My soul is exasperated by oblivion slightly,
And I carry a list of undreamed vision.
And there is a final, but visible halt in my nightly
Visits to insomnia, those ashes, the dull world of decision.
*
How Anna was asked to make a decision, an open and wise resolution! How she was asked to change everything with his choice! No, she did not have the courage to tell him: "No, I can't don't it." She did not have the dauntlessness to leave or stay; and she did not dare to tell him: "Exist, and be quiet. If this is your defense, It can't be mine." She told him, nevertheless.
"I have the impression that you use your inflexible purpose against what you can't fight."
There was this terrible destitution, scare, and dullness in his eyes from what he had experienced. His glance penetrated nowhere. He was disassociated from life which dishonored his body, all the organs in that body that once had been healthy. Savor that had lost his taste. He was a man that still physically alive but internally was long dead. He had faced the most painful punishment anyone could encounter. He was forgotten; or at least that was how he perceived it. Delight now was an attribute he freely considered hateful.
His soul had changed to be venomous against everything for this unfair disrespect to his body. While the world beyond his bed prospering in its worth, virile people flowering far from death. He foresaw his death; and that discernment exalted his unnatural life with perplexity, and disgust. He closed his eyes so as no one could see his expression of forbidden loathsomeness.
An indefatigable sympathy often grew in Anna when she looked at him or spoke to him, hoping for an answer. Those colorless moments of life seemed like a rare dream; nonetheless, it was a dream that Anna had to live with it with her dying husband, Joseph.
*
Steve knew that Anna meant well and hard it was for her to express herself; for her ritual had been to suppress her desires and not to speak of them. Anna wished she could find the courage to bring out the words which were hard to come out to satisfy him and herself. He wanted to wipe away her pain from that darkness of holding. When they were together, she unwillingly challenged him to run him away; and when they were apart, she missed him and wanted to be with him. Steve recognized all these; however, he had a hard time to change her or to make her understand that she needed to be honest with herself.
Stacy observed all of these; nonetheless, she was increasingly involved in her own life and a medical student she had recently met. When two friends talked about their dates, Anna recognized how Stacy was flowing with the current; and Stacy realized how Anna swimming against the flow. What frightened Stacy more than anything else was that Anna might cause her brother to run away from her for the second time. Stacy found Anna's behavior incredulous.
"What is it you want in your life? Don't you like my brother?"
Anna was not shy anymore to hide her feelings for Steve from Stacy.
"Yes, I like him a lot, but I also have my volition."
"Then, what is it that keeping you from having a free will?"
Anna thought for a moment. She did not know the answer. She was not sure why she behaved the way she did when she was with Steve. "I don't know, Stacy. I am puzzled myself."
"Do you want to lose him again?'
"No, but I am still torn between staying here or going back home. My parents expect me to go back since I'd already told them."
"People do change. You can tell them that you want to stay and finish your higher education which is not a lie. Tell them you need to get some more experience here. Give yourself a little more time. Don't rush things. Why everything with you have to be this way or that way, nothing else?"
Anna frowned. She did not have any answer to a very true statement of Stacy. Her silence was more deadly than any destructive talk. Stacy sighed and gazed at her, as though she wanted to bring out an answer out of her forcefully.
"It seems to me that you like a hard life. You like problems and you like to solve problems of others all the time; and if there isn't any, you look for one." Stacy talked with frustration.
"Is this how you think of me, Stacy? Someone that searches for problems?" She looked pale and gloomy. Then she continued: " I don't look for problems. I think my existence is about thinking and living for life. I don't turn my face away from it but I face it. This is the meaning of life for me. I don't justify life only in its problem."
"What is achieved by thoughts," Stacy retorted: "always stays with us. An idea that is attained by thought always remains, whether is a stable or a dangerous idea. Bad thoughts bring bad feelings. If you only think about bad ones, you will lose your strength to confront the good ones."
Anna's heat beat unnaturally fast. She thought that no one is ever given a life by choice. She knew that she was constantly creating new thoughts to avoid inevitable; and it was all these inescapable thinking that had consisted her life. Rivalry was turning to be virulent to her. Life around her seemed all wrong. She roamed frivolously the morning, the afternoon, and all the evening of the life until she could neither think nor feel; and lastly at night, when the sadness was at its highest point and peak, she would settle down in numbness or walk long distance until she would come to places that she did not know. She wished time moved faster for directing her to a resolution. Nevertheless, in her dreams she was easily overcoming all the obstacles on her way.
To Be Continued
That pale, blue outline of melting snow,
That echo of all voices with dismay?
Or am I too late for such a show?
With a candle in hand, I took at remains,
At all traces, books, and the naked tree.
The shadow of candle flickers, oh, my pains!
In the depth of this hole, it is past and me.
My soul is exasperated by oblivion slightly,
And I carry a list of undreamed vision.
And there is a final, but visible halt in my nightly
Visits to insomnia, those ashes, the dull world of decision.
*
How Anna was asked to make a decision, an open and wise resolution! How she was asked to change everything with his choice! No, she did not have the courage to tell him: "No, I can't don't it." She did not have the dauntlessness to leave or stay; and she did not dare to tell him: "Exist, and be quiet. If this is your defense, It can't be mine." She told him, nevertheless.
"I have the impression that you use your inflexible purpose against what you can't fight."
There was this terrible destitution, scare, and dullness in his eyes from what he had experienced. His glance penetrated nowhere. He was disassociated from life which dishonored his body, all the organs in that body that once had been healthy. Savor that had lost his taste. He was a man that still physically alive but internally was long dead. He had faced the most painful punishment anyone could encounter. He was forgotten; or at least that was how he perceived it. Delight now was an attribute he freely considered hateful.
His soul had changed to be venomous against everything for this unfair disrespect to his body. While the world beyond his bed prospering in its worth, virile people flowering far from death. He foresaw his death; and that discernment exalted his unnatural life with perplexity, and disgust. He closed his eyes so as no one could see his expression of forbidden loathsomeness.
An indefatigable sympathy often grew in Anna when she looked at him or spoke to him, hoping for an answer. Those colorless moments of life seemed like a rare dream; nonetheless, it was a dream that Anna had to live with it with her dying husband, Joseph.
*
Steve knew that Anna meant well and hard it was for her to express herself; for her ritual had been to suppress her desires and not to speak of them. Anna wished she could find the courage to bring out the words which were hard to come out to satisfy him and herself. He wanted to wipe away her pain from that darkness of holding. When they were together, she unwillingly challenged him to run him away; and when they were apart, she missed him and wanted to be with him. Steve recognized all these; however, he had a hard time to change her or to make her understand that she needed to be honest with herself.
Stacy observed all of these; nonetheless, she was increasingly involved in her own life and a medical student she had recently met. When two friends talked about their dates, Anna recognized how Stacy was flowing with the current; and Stacy realized how Anna swimming against the flow. What frightened Stacy more than anything else was that Anna might cause her brother to run away from her for the second time. Stacy found Anna's behavior incredulous.
"What is it you want in your life? Don't you like my brother?"
Anna was not shy anymore to hide her feelings for Steve from Stacy.
"Yes, I like him a lot, but I also have my volition."
"Then, what is it that keeping you from having a free will?"
Anna thought for a moment. She did not know the answer. She was not sure why she behaved the way she did when she was with Steve. "I don't know, Stacy. I am puzzled myself."
"Do you want to lose him again?'
"No, but I am still torn between staying here or going back home. My parents expect me to go back since I'd already told them."
"People do change. You can tell them that you want to stay and finish your higher education which is not a lie. Tell them you need to get some more experience here. Give yourself a little more time. Don't rush things. Why everything with you have to be this way or that way, nothing else?"
Anna frowned. She did not have any answer to a very true statement of Stacy. Her silence was more deadly than any destructive talk. Stacy sighed and gazed at her, as though she wanted to bring out an answer out of her forcefully.
"It seems to me that you like a hard life. You like problems and you like to solve problems of others all the time; and if there isn't any, you look for one." Stacy talked with frustration.
"Is this how you think of me, Stacy? Someone that searches for problems?" She looked pale and gloomy. Then she continued: " I don't look for problems. I think my existence is about thinking and living for life. I don't turn my face away from it but I face it. This is the meaning of life for me. I don't justify life only in its problem."
"What is achieved by thoughts," Stacy retorted: "always stays with us. An idea that is attained by thought always remains, whether is a stable or a dangerous idea. Bad thoughts bring bad feelings. If you only think about bad ones, you will lose your strength to confront the good ones."
Anna's heat beat unnaturally fast. She thought that no one is ever given a life by choice. She knew that she was constantly creating new thoughts to avoid inevitable; and it was all these inescapable thinking that had consisted her life. Rivalry was turning to be virulent to her. Life around her seemed all wrong. She roamed frivolously the morning, the afternoon, and all the evening of the life until she could neither think nor feel; and lastly at night, when the sadness was at its highest point and peak, she would settle down in numbness or walk long distance until she would come to places that she did not know. She wished time moved faster for directing her to a resolution. Nevertheless, in her dreams she was easily overcoming all the obstacles on her way.
To Be Continued
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Chapter Nineteen\\\\\\\Special Day
Anna had a blue jean and a tee shirt on. Her hair that usually was in a pony tail, now was hanging down on her shoulder. It was obvious that she had cried since her eyes were red. Steve had a khaki pants and a long sleeve brown shirt on. He was innately handsome. Before leaving he looked at Anna and simply in a protective way said: "Do you want to bring a sweater with you?"
Anna responded quickly without thinking: "I am a big girl. I don't need a sweater."
Stacy shuddered: "Why can she be a little more thoughtful?" She said in her speaking mind.
They left. It was dark, but the vivacious April evening presented a light that pushed away the darkness. Then it was this breeze, the soothing and animated breeze that enveloped their bodies with an immutable relaxation that especially Anna did not know it for sometimes. They walked side by side in the campus in silence while each searching for right words to begin a talk. Steve took his cigarette out of his shirt pocket. She was looking at him. He took one out and was about to light it.
"Can I have one, too, please." She said daringly.
"I didn't know you smoke?"
"You smoke, don't you?" She said indignantly.
"I didn't say you can't smoke. I said I didn't know you smoke."He tried to defend himself in wistfulness since everything with Anna, seemed to him was a struggle.
"I smoke occasionally. I started when Stacy was on vacation over Spring break. Do you want to know why I started? Is there anything else you want to know?" She could not believe her rudeness. In fact, she was very disappointed at herself of being so harsh and offensive; but somehow she could not help it. She wanted to continue that behavior. Perhaps, deep inside she wanted to run him away and to escape from that challenge rather than facing it.
"I want to take you to the place that I bought my first pack of cigarette."She said and then started walking fast and got ahead of him. He followed her without saying a word. Soon they were out of the campus. There, she stopped and turned to face him, who was behind her.
"You see that cafe?" She pointed to Joe's cafe. "Let's go in."
Steve followed her into the cafe. They sat at the table by the window, where on her first night there, the young couple, who were arguing seated. The waiter came. He was not the same man that she knew.
"What do you like to drink?"
Steve looked at Anna perplexed; but she without considering his gaze, raised her head. "Coffee for me please."
"Two please." Steve said.
She could feel his impatience for knowing the story of that cafe.
"I have insomnia." She started. "When Stacy was at your parents' on Spring break, I developed this habit of walking at nights. The first night, I found this place. First I was reluctant to go in. I had never done it before, but I did it anyway." She stopped talking as though she was reading from a book and there was nothing else to be read. Steve looked confused.
"Weren't you afraid to walk alone at night?" His voice slowly was drifted from curiosity to compassion.
"Why would I be afraid? Here is very secure and safe. Besides what would you do if you can't sleep?"
"I don't know; maybe read or watch television. I really am not sure. I don't have that problem."
"Well, I did all those. I also tossed and turned, got up, and thought. I made decision about my life in all those insomniac nights. However, Stacy wasn't home. I felt like doing something different. In fact, I was reading this novel that the hero of it, a woman who couldn't sleep either. In the book, she started walking at midnight, and in her nightly walks she discovered the reason for her insomnia. I decided to do what she did." Anna was ebullient. She had forgotten that only a short while ago, she wanted to tear the world apart and hurt Steve.
"So, did you find out the reason for your insomnia?" Steve's voice was intimate.
"No, I am not sure. I guess it is my confusion for a big decision I am about to make; no, I've already made."
"What is that big decision?" He already knew the answer; but vaguely he was hoping for a different response.
"I am going back to Iran right after my graduation. I have to duel very hard in my own feelings and thoughts to make that decision.; but I believe that I've made the right one."
He went white. His heart began pounding. He gasped for breath. He suddenly realized that he was in love with her; and when when finally he was able to talk, he said: "That is a shame. I wish you stay here and continue your higher education."
"Why?"
He stayed quiet.
"I have nothing else here to do. My education is enough to serve the people of my country. My whole life is there; my identity, my parents, my brother..." She could not continue.
He stayed silent. He did not find anything proper to answer her real emotion. On the other hand, suddenly he realized the deep feeling he had for her. He did not want to lose her. His sister was right. He needed to settle down. Nobody was more special to him than Anna, he strangely found out at the moment of perhaps no return. The wonderful word, "special" that Anna wanted to hear from him and to be for him, now was in his mind. She still did not know about it.
Without asking, Anna took a cigarette from his pack, and Steve lit it for her. She realized his struggle for stopping her of the dreadful decision that she had made; but she also knew that he was not a man of begging. His pride and ego was as big as hers. As she was gazing through the window into the dark of the street and smoking, he stretched his hand to touch hers, but remembering the previous, exact occasion, he suddenly pulled his hand away. Anna noticed it. The waiter brought more coffee "on the house", and after he left their table, Steve finally broke his silence:
"One needs to die to be resurrected in his homeland." There was an irony in his voice.
"You maybe right; but I have nothing here. I must go."
"You have friends here, like Stacy, me,..."
"You're right. But I can make new friends." She was impossible with a faded look, disheveled and absence.
Steve's optimism changed to a paranoia. He never liked to give advice; he did not want to deal with other people's problem, but this one was different, it was very close to his heart. He knew in every advice there would be a risk of responsibility which he did not want it; but this one, this particular one...!
"What can I do to make you think more about this rushed decision?"
Anna thought in his speaking mind: "Is this all he can say?"
"You can't do anything. It's my life." She sounded despicable.
"I want to get to know you. I like you, Anna." He forced those words from his mouth.
Anna shivered. "We better go home now. It's late."
"Is that all you can say?" He demanded.
"What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know. Why do you despise me so much?" Steve's voice sounded supplicating.
Anna was bewildered. "Why do you say that? I don't despise you."
"I just feel it. Yes you do."
Anna wanted to say that his feeling was wrong but instead she said: "I want to go home now."
Outside the shadows of trees against the lights of the street clustered over the road. They silently crossed the street and entered the campus through the half open gate. As they were getting close to her apartment, he slid his arm through hers, wishing to subside her gloom. She shivered but did not resist that warmth.
In front porch of her apartment, under the bright light, he looked at her deep, hazel, cloudy eyes, they were filled with tears of her sadness and sensibility. He stood at the doorway, being afraid to extend his hand in case she would not offer hers. Anna recognized his perplexity.
"Will you have dinner with me Saturday night?"
She lingered from one foot to the other while looking for the key in her pocket. "Yes."
He could not believe what he heard. When finally her answer sank in his brain, a faded smile blossomed on his lips, and his sulking face was brightened.
"That's great." Then he extended his hand for a handshake, but Anna gently hugged him. She did not want to lose him for the second time.
To Be Continued
Anna responded quickly without thinking: "I am a big girl. I don't need a sweater."
Stacy shuddered: "Why can she be a little more thoughtful?" She said in her speaking mind.
They left. It was dark, but the vivacious April evening presented a light that pushed away the darkness. Then it was this breeze, the soothing and animated breeze that enveloped their bodies with an immutable relaxation that especially Anna did not know it for sometimes. They walked side by side in the campus in silence while each searching for right words to begin a talk. Steve took his cigarette out of his shirt pocket. She was looking at him. He took one out and was about to light it.
"Can I have one, too, please." She said daringly.
"I didn't know you smoke?"
"You smoke, don't you?" She said indignantly.
"I didn't say you can't smoke. I said I didn't know you smoke."He tried to defend himself in wistfulness since everything with Anna, seemed to him was a struggle.
"I smoke occasionally. I started when Stacy was on vacation over Spring break. Do you want to know why I started? Is there anything else you want to know?" She could not believe her rudeness. In fact, she was very disappointed at herself of being so harsh and offensive; but somehow she could not help it. She wanted to continue that behavior. Perhaps, deep inside she wanted to run him away and to escape from that challenge rather than facing it.
"I want to take you to the place that I bought my first pack of cigarette."She said and then started walking fast and got ahead of him. He followed her without saying a word. Soon they were out of the campus. There, she stopped and turned to face him, who was behind her.
"You see that cafe?" She pointed to Joe's cafe. "Let's go in."
Steve followed her into the cafe. They sat at the table by the window, where on her first night there, the young couple, who were arguing seated. The waiter came. He was not the same man that she knew.
"What do you like to drink?"
Steve looked at Anna perplexed; but she without considering his gaze, raised her head. "Coffee for me please."
"Two please." Steve said.
She could feel his impatience for knowing the story of that cafe.
"I have insomnia." She started. "When Stacy was at your parents' on Spring break, I developed this habit of walking at nights. The first night, I found this place. First I was reluctant to go in. I had never done it before, but I did it anyway." She stopped talking as though she was reading from a book and there was nothing else to be read. Steve looked confused.
"Weren't you afraid to walk alone at night?" His voice slowly was drifted from curiosity to compassion.
"Why would I be afraid? Here is very secure and safe. Besides what would you do if you can't sleep?"
"I don't know; maybe read or watch television. I really am not sure. I don't have that problem."
"Well, I did all those. I also tossed and turned, got up, and thought. I made decision about my life in all those insomniac nights. However, Stacy wasn't home. I felt like doing something different. In fact, I was reading this novel that the hero of it, a woman who couldn't sleep either. In the book, she started walking at midnight, and in her nightly walks she discovered the reason for her insomnia. I decided to do what she did." Anna was ebullient. She had forgotten that only a short while ago, she wanted to tear the world apart and hurt Steve.
"So, did you find out the reason for your insomnia?" Steve's voice was intimate.
"No, I am not sure. I guess it is my confusion for a big decision I am about to make; no, I've already made."
"What is that big decision?" He already knew the answer; but vaguely he was hoping for a different response.
"I am going back to Iran right after my graduation. I have to duel very hard in my own feelings and thoughts to make that decision.; but I believe that I've made the right one."
He went white. His heart began pounding. He gasped for breath. He suddenly realized that he was in love with her; and when when finally he was able to talk, he said: "That is a shame. I wish you stay here and continue your higher education."
"Why?"
He stayed quiet.
"I have nothing else here to do. My education is enough to serve the people of my country. My whole life is there; my identity, my parents, my brother..." She could not continue.
He stayed silent. He did not find anything proper to answer her real emotion. On the other hand, suddenly he realized the deep feeling he had for her. He did not want to lose her. His sister was right. He needed to settle down. Nobody was more special to him than Anna, he strangely found out at the moment of perhaps no return. The wonderful word, "special" that Anna wanted to hear from him and to be for him, now was in his mind. She still did not know about it.
Without asking, Anna took a cigarette from his pack, and Steve lit it for her. She realized his struggle for stopping her of the dreadful decision that she had made; but she also knew that he was not a man of begging. His pride and ego was as big as hers. As she was gazing through the window into the dark of the street and smoking, he stretched his hand to touch hers, but remembering the previous, exact occasion, he suddenly pulled his hand away. Anna noticed it. The waiter brought more coffee "on the house", and after he left their table, Steve finally broke his silence:
"One needs to die to be resurrected in his homeland." There was an irony in his voice.
"You maybe right; but I have nothing here. I must go."
"You have friends here, like Stacy, me,..."
"You're right. But I can make new friends." She was impossible with a faded look, disheveled and absence.
Steve's optimism changed to a paranoia. He never liked to give advice; he did not want to deal with other people's problem, but this one was different, it was very close to his heart. He knew in every advice there would be a risk of responsibility which he did not want it; but this one, this particular one...!
"What can I do to make you think more about this rushed decision?"
Anna thought in his speaking mind: "Is this all he can say?"
"You can't do anything. It's my life." She sounded despicable.
"I want to get to know you. I like you, Anna." He forced those words from his mouth.
Anna shivered. "We better go home now. It's late."
"Is that all you can say?" He demanded.
"What do you want me to say?"
"I don't know. Why do you despise me so much?" Steve's voice sounded supplicating.
Anna was bewildered. "Why do you say that? I don't despise you."
"I just feel it. Yes you do."
Anna wanted to say that his feeling was wrong but instead she said: "I want to go home now."
Outside the shadows of trees against the lights of the street clustered over the road. They silently crossed the street and entered the campus through the half open gate. As they were getting close to her apartment, he slid his arm through hers, wishing to subside her gloom. She shivered but did not resist that warmth.
In front porch of her apartment, under the bright light, he looked at her deep, hazel, cloudy eyes, they were filled with tears of her sadness and sensibility. He stood at the doorway, being afraid to extend his hand in case she would not offer hers. Anna recognized his perplexity.
"Will you have dinner with me Saturday night?"
She lingered from one foot to the other while looking for the key in her pocket. "Yes."
He could not believe what he heard. When finally her answer sank in his brain, a faded smile blossomed on his lips, and his sulking face was brightened.
"That's great." Then he extended his hand for a handshake, but Anna gently hugged him. She did not want to lose him for the second time.
To Be Continued
Chapter Nineteen, Special Day
Puffy clouds are spread
Across the blueness of sky.
Their feathered cottons, like a thread
Are woven coquettishly somewhere high.
The branches are mingling free.
It is hot on the permeated way.
Air is crisp and meadow smiles with glee.
Agitation is vanished in that special day.
To keep one's mind on every day's rush,
Seems like a useless strife.
His vision in mind brings a blush,
In that long, exciting journey of life.
*
Entangled with absurdity, the dream Anna hoped for seemed arduous and nugatory. The intrusive feeling of Steve being in the living room, that he had come to see her, now was a tasteless pain in her mind. She was overwhelmed by the wistful vision of this stranger who was breaking the privy solitude of her life.
Sitting on her bed, she needed to make a quick decision. Wasn't her contest a sign of interest? Wouldn't people contest an issue when they are attracted to it? As these debating thoughts marched in her mind, another brainstorm made way there. What would Stacy and Steve think of her running away like a little girl. "She is hurt but she is also interested. She doesn't act like an adult." Running away from a situation would most likely make her to stumble. There was not only insight in her thoughts but value as well. She chastised herself for not being aware of this simple fact, when she had run away to the bedroom like a little, spoiled girl only few minutes ago. Wiping her rainy yes with the palm of her hand, she got up from bed and without thinking opened the door and went to the living room. Steve and Stacy were talking quietly. Her appearance seemed unnatural; nevertheless, they both knew she would do the right thing from the start.
"I'm so sorry for running away." Her honesty sometimes was hurtful to her, but she was always honest. "I wasn't thinking straight." She said annoyingly.
Stacy and Steve looked dumbfounded. Anna walked to the window. The constant rain for the past few days was easing off. She pulled the curtains aside and opened the window. A soothing breeze caressed her face and without turning to face them, she said: "You don't mind that I opened the window. I love the smell of earth after rain. everything out there are fresh and smell good." She needed to feel the breeze, that natural coolness of April night particularly after rain. Gazing out there into the dark, she could see the halo that surrounding the lights on the campus.
"We don't mind; not at all." Steve finally spoke.
The finite simplicity of her life, at that moment, was extracted from her body. The courage that made her to leave the bedroom and to come to the living room, now was not intact. Her embarrassment was too grand to turn around and face them. The darkness mingling with the light out there created an awesome mystification, just as her conflicting feelings. Then she remembered her fighting all the adversities, all the courage she had shown to rise above the culture that was stifling to women of her country specially her.
"I want to make coffee. would anyone care for some?" She said as she finally turned around and faced them.
"I've already made some. Let me get you a cup." Stacy said while getting up.
Anna sat on a chair of the dinning room. This was as far as she could be from Steve in their small and combined living room and dinning room.
"So, how are you doing?" He broke his silence.
Stacy returned with the coffee and placed the cup on the dinning table, where Anna was sitting.
"Fine, fine, how about yourself?" Anna's answer was as superficial as it could be.
"Fine!" He answered her with another vain short phrase.
Was that all they could talk about? As she was hugging her cup, she searched for that one stem of rose he had brought her. Still wrapped in plastic, it was laid on the coffee table. She got up and went to pick up the rose. Gently, she unwrap the rose from the plastic paper and went to the kitchen and placed it in the only vase they had and poured water in it. Then she brought the vase and placed it on the coffee table.
"Thank you for the flower!"
"Oh, it's nothing."
Stacy was outrageous of the formality that they were using to talk to each other. She wanted to leave them alone for awhile, but she did not have any place to go; and besides such action of her would upset Anna even more. Everything seemed intense. Steve was obviously distressed; nonetheless, he was remarkably decisive. He felt the weight of his responsibility to break that cold situation.
"Anna, would you like to go for a walk?"
Stacy finally sighed of relief. Anna's mind meandered for a moment, then incredulously she said: "Sure, why not. Stacy come with us."
"No, thanks. You two go ahead."
To Be continued
Across the blueness of sky.
Their feathered cottons, like a thread
Are woven coquettishly somewhere high.
The branches are mingling free.
It is hot on the permeated way.
Air is crisp and meadow smiles with glee.
Agitation is vanished in that special day.
To keep one's mind on every day's rush,
Seems like a useless strife.
His vision in mind brings a blush,
In that long, exciting journey of life.
*
Entangled with absurdity, the dream Anna hoped for seemed arduous and nugatory. The intrusive feeling of Steve being in the living room, that he had come to see her, now was a tasteless pain in her mind. She was overwhelmed by the wistful vision of this stranger who was breaking the privy solitude of her life.
Sitting on her bed, she needed to make a quick decision. Wasn't her contest a sign of interest? Wouldn't people contest an issue when they are attracted to it? As these debating thoughts marched in her mind, another brainstorm made way there. What would Stacy and Steve think of her running away like a little girl. "She is hurt but she is also interested. She doesn't act like an adult." Running away from a situation would most likely make her to stumble. There was not only insight in her thoughts but value as well. She chastised herself for not being aware of this simple fact, when she had run away to the bedroom like a little, spoiled girl only few minutes ago. Wiping her rainy yes with the palm of her hand, she got up from bed and without thinking opened the door and went to the living room. Steve and Stacy were talking quietly. Her appearance seemed unnatural; nevertheless, they both knew she would do the right thing from the start.
"I'm so sorry for running away." Her honesty sometimes was hurtful to her, but she was always honest. "I wasn't thinking straight." She said annoyingly.
Stacy and Steve looked dumbfounded. Anna walked to the window. The constant rain for the past few days was easing off. She pulled the curtains aside and opened the window. A soothing breeze caressed her face and without turning to face them, she said: "You don't mind that I opened the window. I love the smell of earth after rain. everything out there are fresh and smell good." She needed to feel the breeze, that natural coolness of April night particularly after rain. Gazing out there into the dark, she could see the halo that surrounding the lights on the campus.
"We don't mind; not at all." Steve finally spoke.
The finite simplicity of her life, at that moment, was extracted from her body. The courage that made her to leave the bedroom and to come to the living room, now was not intact. Her embarrassment was too grand to turn around and face them. The darkness mingling with the light out there created an awesome mystification, just as her conflicting feelings. Then she remembered her fighting all the adversities, all the courage she had shown to rise above the culture that was stifling to women of her country specially her.
"I want to make coffee. would anyone care for some?" She said as she finally turned around and faced them.
"I've already made some. Let me get you a cup." Stacy said while getting up.
Anna sat on a chair of the dinning room. This was as far as she could be from Steve in their small and combined living room and dinning room.
"So, how are you doing?" He broke his silence.
Stacy returned with the coffee and placed the cup on the dinning table, where Anna was sitting.
"Fine, fine, how about yourself?" Anna's answer was as superficial as it could be.
"Fine!" He answered her with another vain short phrase.
Was that all they could talk about? As she was hugging her cup, she searched for that one stem of rose he had brought her. Still wrapped in plastic, it was laid on the coffee table. She got up and went to pick up the rose. Gently, she unwrap the rose from the plastic paper and went to the kitchen and placed it in the only vase they had and poured water in it. Then she brought the vase and placed it on the coffee table.
"Thank you for the flower!"
"Oh, it's nothing."
Stacy was outrageous of the formality that they were using to talk to each other. She wanted to leave them alone for awhile, but she did not have any place to go; and besides such action of her would upset Anna even more. Everything seemed intense. Steve was obviously distressed; nonetheless, he was remarkably decisive. He felt the weight of his responsibility to break that cold situation.
"Anna, would you like to go for a walk?"
Stacy finally sighed of relief. Anna's mind meandered for a moment, then incredulously she said: "Sure, why not. Stacy come with us."
"No, thanks. You two go ahead."
To Be continued
Friday, June 18, 2010
Chapter Eigtheen___ Meager April Sunset
Watching the meager April sunset through the open window on a Sunday, she recalled her conversation with her father. She had finally had the courage to tell him what was in her mind. He was outrageous.
"How can you say that? this is a disgrace. How do people think about it? It's impossible."
"Dad, I am a woman now. I need my privacy. I am not a little girl anymore."
"Impossible!"
She had spent that day pondering over that conversation. She had won all the battle with her father but this one seemed not winnable. Stacy noticed Anna's anxiety that day. She did not know what was bothering her friend. To her, Anna was becoming more and more uncommunicative. At dinner time, Stacy tried again.
"What is it, Anna? you act strange these days especially today. What is bothering you?'
Anna lowered her head and stopped eating. Stacy was her only friend, but she was also Steve's sister.
"You can tell me. we're friends. don't you trust me?"
Anna thought for a moment and suddenly a flood of tears rushed down her cheeks.
"I don't know what I am going to do with my life? I am graduating next month. I've decided not to continue higher education as I planned before. I don't know if I want to go back home or stay here!"
"Why do you want to go back? Why did you change your mind to go for your master? Besides I don't think you can live that life style anymore." She said it compassionately.
"That is my country, home. I want to serve my people but my father won't allow me to live on my own. I don't want to live with them."
"I don't blame you. I don't want to live with my parents either."Stacy's expression was contemplative.
"I don't know what to do. I guess as I fought my father for coming here, as I made him to believe in me, and as I've proven myself to him, ultimately I will win this battle, too." She sounded frustrated. "About not wanting to continue with my education, Aria's death has done something to me that I don't feel the same as I did two, three years ago."
"I'm sure you can win this battle, but I hate to see you go. You are so smart that is waste of your intelligence not to continue your college. I wish you change your mind."
"I love you, too Stacy. Maybe you come visit or I come visit." She tried to be humorous.
The food stayed untouched. Stacy felt depressingly sad. She knew her friend well enough. She knew if Anna decided on something, she would find a way to do it. She also felt sorry for her because she believed in Anna's intelligence and she knew that Anna could bloom in America. She wondered about the evening that Anna and her brother had gone on a date. "What happened that night?" Neither her brother nor Anna ever talked about it. She was positive that they both had offended the other, for she knew of her brother's unyielding ego and also Anna's unbending pride. Being a young woman herself, she knew that Anna's determination for returning to Iran was not the only reason she had given her. It perhaps had something to do with Steve, too. Anna had never told her of her feelings for her brother; nevertheless, it did not take a genius to realize that she liked Steve.
Stacy pondered all night for a solution to stop her friend from this hurried, vague, and destructive choice. She finally found the answer when the dawn overpowered the vast darkness. "I must talk to Steve, tell him what Anna's plan is. He is the one that need to do something." She wanted her brother to settle down. He would be soon thirty years old. He had never had a serious relationship with a woman. His career ruled him. She just wanted to see him have a life besides his job and getting his law degree. Who was better than Anna? She knew their age differences; but she did not think that was very important. After all her father was twelve years older than her mother and they had the best marital relationship that she knew of. She liked Anna, her qualities, her strength, and her femininity. She knew that Anna was from a very distinguished family. Her beauty was like reading a rich novel, her brown, shiny hair, her hazel eyes, her light skin, and everything else about her reminded her of reading a rich, nineteen century novel. She thought of calling Steve, but as she was hugging her coffee cup, as though she wanted the warmth of the cup to ease into her body, she decided to go to her brother's house. Without waking Anna, she dressed quickly and left the apartment. It was five in the morning.
Anna, being awake all night, wondered where Stacy went that early in the morning. She heard her leaving. Outside the rain dismally was beating against the surface of the street. She got up and looked through the window. The entire campus was nearly obscured. She saw Stacy's car meandering through the dense rain and becoming smaller and smaller.
That evening when both friends retired from a day of school and work, Anna debating internally to ask Stacy where she had gone that morning; however, her pride and the respect they both had for each other's privacy stopped her of such question. Stacy, sitting across from her, glanced at Anna's hazel eyes which showed wisdom and sadness. She was deep in her thoughts and reliving her conversation with Steve that morning.
"What are you doing here this time of the morning in this weather?" He had his pajamas pants on. He was shocked to see his sister there.
"I must talk to you." Stacy forced a a smile.
"What is it that you couldn't wait or call?"
"Anna is going back to Iran next month." She paused for a moment to see Steve's face and then continued. "Forever!"
"What is that have to do with me? Why are you telling me?" His voice was wistful and she recognized compassion in it.
"I thought you liked her. We need to stop this. She is my friend. I hate to see this. I think her decision has something to do with you."
Steve looked at his sister suspiciously. She was provoking him.
"What do you want me to do?" He sat on a chair.
"I want you to stop this. What happened on that date?'
"Nothing!"
"Why didn't you ask her for a date again? What happened? I want to know."
He got up and walked to the window, thinking. A long silence ensued. Then he turned to Stacy. Their gaze simultaneously shook them.
"I thought she didn't like me. I held her hand in the car, and she started shaking."
Stacy looked at him wondrously. "I am so sorry to tell you with all the women you have known, you don't know women at all. You must understand where she has come from. She had never dated before. That was her first. I am sure she was torn between her desire and dignity. You got it all wrong. I am telling you, I know, I am sure that she likes you."
"Has she told you that?"
"No, she doesn't have to. I know." She was frustrated.
Now Stacy was thinking if she had stirred up Steve's emotion enough that he would take a step. She had left him this morning without knowing what he would do. But she was certain that she had planted the seeds of many questions and many forgotten wanting in her brother. Now it was up to him. She could not possibly do anything else.
The next afternoon when Stacy was home between classes and work, Steve called.
"I want to come there tonight. Is it okay with you?"
Stacy screamed and rubbed her hands with glee.
That evening, two friends were sitting silently across from each other; Anna was planning her return to Iran despondently; and Stacy was thinking how to tell Anna that Steve would visit them tonight. Anna was entangled in her past and the unknown future. America, she had hoped to be solidity, a new source of exhilaration, now was suffocating her. Her eyes and soul were inflamed. Everything seemed obsolete.
Stacy was examining her friend's quietude. She thought of her courage. "She is as Strong as her challenges." While debating how to tell her of Steve's imminent visit, she walked to open window. The air outside had the smell of soil and hope. She stood there, her back to Anna; and finally broke her silence with a casual, yet profound announcement.
"Steve is coming here tonight."
Anna, shocked, was glued to her chair; nonetheless, suddenly something came to clarification, Stacy's disappearance yesterday morning. For a moment. the ample darkness poring from outside was not obscurity, but it was a friend.
"Steve is coming here tonight." Stacy repeated , wondering if Anna had ever heard her the first time.
"I heard you. What do you want me to do? Dance!" She sounded bitter.
"He wants to see you." Stacy said it casually.
"Why do I suspect that you had something to do with his sudden visit?" She was sarcastic.
"Listen. I had nothing to do with this." Stacy was never a good liar.
"I don't like to think of people who have negotiable conscious." Anna's bitterness poured everywhere.
Stacy looked confused, but before she could retort, there was a knock on the door. She flew to the door and opened it. Anna got up to go to the bedroom rather than facing Steve. He caught her by the bedroom door and stretched his hand with one stem of a red rose wrapped in plastic.
"This is for you."
Anna went to the room and closed the door behind her.
To Be Continued
"How can you say that? this is a disgrace. How do people think about it? It's impossible."
"Dad, I am a woman now. I need my privacy. I am not a little girl anymore."
"Impossible!"
She had spent that day pondering over that conversation. She had won all the battle with her father but this one seemed not winnable. Stacy noticed Anna's anxiety that day. She did not know what was bothering her friend. To her, Anna was becoming more and more uncommunicative. At dinner time, Stacy tried again.
"What is it, Anna? you act strange these days especially today. What is bothering you?'
Anna lowered her head and stopped eating. Stacy was her only friend, but she was also Steve's sister.
"You can tell me. we're friends. don't you trust me?"
Anna thought for a moment and suddenly a flood of tears rushed down her cheeks.
"I don't know what I am going to do with my life? I am graduating next month. I've decided not to continue higher education as I planned before. I don't know if I want to go back home or stay here!"
"Why do you want to go back? Why did you change your mind to go for your master? Besides I don't think you can live that life style anymore." She said it compassionately.
"That is my country, home. I want to serve my people but my father won't allow me to live on my own. I don't want to live with them."
"I don't blame you. I don't want to live with my parents either."Stacy's expression was contemplative.
"I don't know what to do. I guess as I fought my father for coming here, as I made him to believe in me, and as I've proven myself to him, ultimately I will win this battle, too." She sounded frustrated. "About not wanting to continue with my education, Aria's death has done something to me that I don't feel the same as I did two, three years ago."
"I'm sure you can win this battle, but I hate to see you go. You are so smart that is waste of your intelligence not to continue your college. I wish you change your mind."
"I love you, too Stacy. Maybe you come visit or I come visit." She tried to be humorous.
The food stayed untouched. Stacy felt depressingly sad. She knew her friend well enough. She knew if Anna decided on something, she would find a way to do it. She also felt sorry for her because she believed in Anna's intelligence and she knew that Anna could bloom in America. She wondered about the evening that Anna and her brother had gone on a date. "What happened that night?" Neither her brother nor Anna ever talked about it. She was positive that they both had offended the other, for she knew of her brother's unyielding ego and also Anna's unbending pride. Being a young woman herself, she knew that Anna's determination for returning to Iran was not the only reason she had given her. It perhaps had something to do with Steve, too. Anna had never told her of her feelings for her brother; nevertheless, it did not take a genius to realize that she liked Steve.
Stacy pondered all night for a solution to stop her friend from this hurried, vague, and destructive choice. She finally found the answer when the dawn overpowered the vast darkness. "I must talk to Steve, tell him what Anna's plan is. He is the one that need to do something." She wanted her brother to settle down. He would be soon thirty years old. He had never had a serious relationship with a woman. His career ruled him. She just wanted to see him have a life besides his job and getting his law degree. Who was better than Anna? She knew their age differences; but she did not think that was very important. After all her father was twelve years older than her mother and they had the best marital relationship that she knew of. She liked Anna, her qualities, her strength, and her femininity. She knew that Anna was from a very distinguished family. Her beauty was like reading a rich novel, her brown, shiny hair, her hazel eyes, her light skin, and everything else about her reminded her of reading a rich, nineteen century novel. She thought of calling Steve, but as she was hugging her coffee cup, as though she wanted the warmth of the cup to ease into her body, she decided to go to her brother's house. Without waking Anna, she dressed quickly and left the apartment. It was five in the morning.
Anna, being awake all night, wondered where Stacy went that early in the morning. She heard her leaving. Outside the rain dismally was beating against the surface of the street. She got up and looked through the window. The entire campus was nearly obscured. She saw Stacy's car meandering through the dense rain and becoming smaller and smaller.
That evening when both friends retired from a day of school and work, Anna debating internally to ask Stacy where she had gone that morning; however, her pride and the respect they both had for each other's privacy stopped her of such question. Stacy, sitting across from her, glanced at Anna's hazel eyes which showed wisdom and sadness. She was deep in her thoughts and reliving her conversation with Steve that morning.
"What are you doing here this time of the morning in this weather?" He had his pajamas pants on. He was shocked to see his sister there.
"I must talk to you." Stacy forced a a smile.
"What is it that you couldn't wait or call?"
"Anna is going back to Iran next month." She paused for a moment to see Steve's face and then continued. "Forever!"
"What is that have to do with me? Why are you telling me?" His voice was wistful and she recognized compassion in it.
"I thought you liked her. We need to stop this. She is my friend. I hate to see this. I think her decision has something to do with you."
Steve looked at his sister suspiciously. She was provoking him.
"What do you want me to do?" He sat on a chair.
"I want you to stop this. What happened on that date?'
"Nothing!"
"Why didn't you ask her for a date again? What happened? I want to know."
He got up and walked to the window, thinking. A long silence ensued. Then he turned to Stacy. Their gaze simultaneously shook them.
"I thought she didn't like me. I held her hand in the car, and she started shaking."
Stacy looked at him wondrously. "I am so sorry to tell you with all the women you have known, you don't know women at all. You must understand where she has come from. She had never dated before. That was her first. I am sure she was torn between her desire and dignity. You got it all wrong. I am telling you, I know, I am sure that she likes you."
"Has she told you that?"
"No, she doesn't have to. I know." She was frustrated.
Now Stacy was thinking if she had stirred up Steve's emotion enough that he would take a step. She had left him this morning without knowing what he would do. But she was certain that she had planted the seeds of many questions and many forgotten wanting in her brother. Now it was up to him. She could not possibly do anything else.
The next afternoon when Stacy was home between classes and work, Steve called.
"I want to come there tonight. Is it okay with you?"
Stacy screamed and rubbed her hands with glee.
That evening, two friends were sitting silently across from each other; Anna was planning her return to Iran despondently; and Stacy was thinking how to tell Anna that Steve would visit them tonight. Anna was entangled in her past and the unknown future. America, she had hoped to be solidity, a new source of exhilaration, now was suffocating her. Her eyes and soul were inflamed. Everything seemed obsolete.
Stacy was examining her friend's quietude. She thought of her courage. "She is as Strong as her challenges." While debating how to tell her of Steve's imminent visit, she walked to open window. The air outside had the smell of soil and hope. She stood there, her back to Anna; and finally broke her silence with a casual, yet profound announcement.
"Steve is coming here tonight."
Anna, shocked, was glued to her chair; nonetheless, suddenly something came to clarification, Stacy's disappearance yesterday morning. For a moment. the ample darkness poring from outside was not obscurity, but it was a friend.
"Steve is coming here tonight." Stacy repeated , wondering if Anna had ever heard her the first time.
"I heard you. What do you want me to do? Dance!" She sounded bitter.
"He wants to see you." Stacy said it casually.
"Why do I suspect that you had something to do with his sudden visit?" She was sarcastic.
"Listen. I had nothing to do with this." Stacy was never a good liar.
"I don't like to think of people who have negotiable conscious." Anna's bitterness poured everywhere.
Stacy looked confused, but before she could retort, there was a knock on the door. She flew to the door and opened it. Anna got up to go to the bedroom rather than facing Steve. He caught her by the bedroom door and stretched his hand with one stem of a red rose wrapped in plastic.
"This is for you."
Anna went to the room and closed the door behind her.
To Be Continued
Chapter Eighteen, Meager April Sunset
Staggering, he brought a rose flower
To allure her for romance.
It was wrapped in plastic, had lost its power.
And he laid it gently at entrance.
She frowned and denied his gift.
He struggled in vague to look into her eyes.
She was as she wished to be, very swift.
The sparkle in his eyes, she could deny.
He would bring more flower of the earth.
He would say words of her true feeling.
He would bring her the flower of his hurt,
to where she lived, for revealing.
But everywhere were fear and plight.
The roads were covered with woe.
And there was danger laid in each site.
And the flowers were dead in that blow.
In that meager April sunset
She shone like a star before him.
Her tenderness slowly enveloped him like a net;
And then rose and disappeared like a whim.
Her everlasting sorrow could not last.
He had known it from start.
What else could he bring her to last?
A stem of flower from his heart.
*
Destiny, what some people believe is inevitable and others think is irrelevant, often disturbed Anna. She understood nothing about that word. That was her mother's word and world. However, the term, "I understand nothing or I don't know" reflected more and more as a denial of life, a vague depth between her and nonentity. Thus, occasionally a thought would painfully come to surface of her vagrant attitude like a glance to a picture, a phone call, or even a veiled pride. Then she would temporary gain an energy to fight back all other depressing feelings and thoughts. Her heart was not distilled but it was sad. The perpetual detachment from everything and everyone she knew was already intact; and she knew by the end of of one's life, she would be digressed. She had subjugated her professional life, adversely, her nugatory personal despair severely vanquished the irremediable loss she felt. The inescapable diversity was only a showing that had made her bounded and uninspired life.
When Stacy returned from her vacation, things seemingly went back to normal. She did not speak to Stacy of her insomniac nights. She listened to her friend's description of having a Good time in her parents' home.
"They asked about you a lot." Stacy said.
Anna did not mention of her final decision for returning to Iran after graduation next month. "She'll find out when the time comes." She thought. No words exchanged about Steve. To Anna, that was a forgotten fact of life, but her heart screamed something else. A week later when Anna was studying in the living room, she overheard Stacy's phone conversation in the bedroom. She had heard when the phone rang. In their house Stacy always answered the phone. Anna only had one call every Sunday morning from her father. All the other calls were Stacy's.
"I didn't know that you were back. When did you come back?"
Anna shuddered behind her desk since she had put her desk in a corner of the living room. She had the smaller bedroom. She felt a sweat and heat gathering in the palm of her hands which were over her book. It was Steve on the phone; who else could it be? The word"come back" resounded in her ears. She could not hear anymore of Stacy's conversation as though she was deaf permanently.
"Are you okay, Anna?" Stacy asked her when she saw her head on the desk with her hands clasped behind her neck.
Anna raised her head and looked at Stacy through her misty eyes.
"I'm fine; just a terrible headache." She did not dare to to tell her that she overheard her conversation.
"That was Steve. He's back."
Anna did not say a word.
"He asked about you."
Anna tried to look indifferent and stayed unspoken.
Even though Anna was very confident for getting good grades, she studied endlessly. This was the easiest semester she had had. She went to school every morning and worked in the hospital for her internship every afternoon. Her parents were aware of her imminent finishing school, the first part of what she planed before leaving Iran. But Anna had not yet told them about her decision of returning to Iran and all the other things she had decided during the lonely days of Spring break. "I must tell them." However the concept of going back to Iran and living with her parents again bothered her. She was not the same person as she was at seventeen, when she had left. It was not acceptable for an Iranian, unmarried woman to live on her own and have a separate home. She did not think she could handle living with her parents anymore. She needed to tell her father that she would return to Iran if he agrees that she had her own place and would not force her to a marriage. That would be an exhausting battle, she thought; but she also knew that at this point she was stronger than her father and perhaps she would win the battle. She thought that her father probably would buy or built her a home right next door to theirs. She would never had freedom. she knew it.
To Be continued
To allure her for romance.
It was wrapped in plastic, had lost its power.
And he laid it gently at entrance.
She frowned and denied his gift.
He struggled in vague to look into her eyes.
She was as she wished to be, very swift.
The sparkle in his eyes, she could deny.
He would bring more flower of the earth.
He would say words of her true feeling.
He would bring her the flower of his hurt,
to where she lived, for revealing.
But everywhere were fear and plight.
The roads were covered with woe.
And there was danger laid in each site.
And the flowers were dead in that blow.
In that meager April sunset
She shone like a star before him.
Her tenderness slowly enveloped him like a net;
And then rose and disappeared like a whim.
Her everlasting sorrow could not last.
He had known it from start.
What else could he bring her to last?
A stem of flower from his heart.
*
Destiny, what some people believe is inevitable and others think is irrelevant, often disturbed Anna. She understood nothing about that word. That was her mother's word and world. However, the term, "I understand nothing or I don't know" reflected more and more as a denial of life, a vague depth between her and nonentity. Thus, occasionally a thought would painfully come to surface of her vagrant attitude like a glance to a picture, a phone call, or even a veiled pride. Then she would temporary gain an energy to fight back all other depressing feelings and thoughts. Her heart was not distilled but it was sad. The perpetual detachment from everything and everyone she knew was already intact; and she knew by the end of of one's life, she would be digressed. She had subjugated her professional life, adversely, her nugatory personal despair severely vanquished the irremediable loss she felt. The inescapable diversity was only a showing that had made her bounded and uninspired life.
When Stacy returned from her vacation, things seemingly went back to normal. She did not speak to Stacy of her insomniac nights. She listened to her friend's description of having a Good time in her parents' home.
"They asked about you a lot." Stacy said.
Anna did not mention of her final decision for returning to Iran after graduation next month. "She'll find out when the time comes." She thought. No words exchanged about Steve. To Anna, that was a forgotten fact of life, but her heart screamed something else. A week later when Anna was studying in the living room, she overheard Stacy's phone conversation in the bedroom. She had heard when the phone rang. In their house Stacy always answered the phone. Anna only had one call every Sunday morning from her father. All the other calls were Stacy's.
"I didn't know that you were back. When did you come back?"
Anna shuddered behind her desk since she had put her desk in a corner of the living room. She had the smaller bedroom. She felt a sweat and heat gathering in the palm of her hands which were over her book. It was Steve on the phone; who else could it be? The word"come back" resounded in her ears. She could not hear anymore of Stacy's conversation as though she was deaf permanently.
"Are you okay, Anna?" Stacy asked her when she saw her head on the desk with her hands clasped behind her neck.
Anna raised her head and looked at Stacy through her misty eyes.
"I'm fine; just a terrible headache." She did not dare to to tell her that she overheard her conversation.
"That was Steve. He's back."
Anna did not say a word.
"He asked about you."
Anna tried to look indifferent and stayed unspoken.
Even though Anna was very confident for getting good grades, she studied endlessly. This was the easiest semester she had had. She went to school every morning and worked in the hospital for her internship every afternoon. Her parents were aware of her imminent finishing school, the first part of what she planed before leaving Iran. But Anna had not yet told them about her decision of returning to Iran and all the other things she had decided during the lonely days of Spring break. "I must tell them." However the concept of going back to Iran and living with her parents again bothered her. She was not the same person as she was at seventeen, when she had left. It was not acceptable for an Iranian, unmarried woman to live on her own and have a separate home. She did not think she could handle living with her parents anymore. She needed to tell her father that she would return to Iran if he agrees that she had her own place and would not force her to a marriage. That would be an exhausting battle, she thought; but she also knew that at this point she was stronger than her father and perhaps she would win the battle. She thought that her father probably would buy or built her a home right next door to theirs. She would never had freedom. she knew it.
To Be continued
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