Chapter Sixteen, Cloudy Past

My fate was to pair
In exile of bitterness and despair.
I carried my home in my soul;
And among others played my role.
And laid my hand on others' hands
Smiled with tears on dry sands.
And from my burning palm,
Blood overflowed some.
And it made others alive,
Now I can thrive.
*
Never had Anna been in such abstract situation. She had thought, up to then, that between a woman and a man had to be a discernment about right, wrong, possible, and impossible things. Here she was in a car with a man, she had hidden feeling for, and did not dare to begin a conversation because her overwhelming shyness, fear and strong emotion stopped all her senses to act normal. In fact, she was shaking all over as though she was freezing of cold.
"Are you cold? I raise the heat in the car."
She thought how perspective he was that noticed her shaking in the darkness of the car; nonetheless, at the same time she thought: "How can he mistake my fear and anxiety with being cold?" She needed the assurance of this man that what she was doing was not an evil or degenerate act. But he did not understand it. How could he? She needed a mentor, an advisor at that moment, not an assumed grandiosity or inadequacy of receptiveness.
"Why am I here with him?" She always asked that question from herself for every occasion; nevertheless, at the same time she rebuked herself for not being able to drive away her endless, gloomy thoughts. She felt as though her sadness, fear, and anxiety would flow over him; and he would become internally more silent. she felt she needed to break this wall of silence before it would break them. How could she initiate a talk yet save her pride? Fidelio, the only opera that Beethoven composed, was played in the tape recorder. She always enjoyed classical or operatic music and had a great appreciation for any kind of great and noted art. She knew this one very well. she knew that it was adapted on a text by Joseph Sonnleihner from a French Original. She did not know much about all the classical music, even though she loved to listen to them; however, she understood them enough to start a conversation.

To Be Continued