Chapter Eight,}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Passages

In the center, the brightest pearl is always set;
In the essence of the mind and heart.
Passages from one heart to other have met.
Crossing without obstacles from start.

And if there is no barrier or wall,
Why do we need doors or locks at all?'

In illusion we see sunrise;
But it is the sunset in a gray day.
Feeling sad, I cry, I despise.
But as I look around, I dismay.

Who is not sad or in blaze?
Who is not foggy or in daze?
*
In the dark room, on the floor, Anna was sitting, hugging her knees. As her eyes slowly became accustomed to the dark, she saw the shadows of her imaginations in the light. She thought about all those empty years. A haunting vision of the other half of life, the motherhood, the womanliness, the care taking symbol, the exalted, splendid, and amenable other half captured her. She suffered by her own thought and remembered her miscarriage. She never got to know what the motherhood was all about. That Strong part of her stayed undiscovered for ever. It was with the bitterness of the world turning in vague or the universe moving aimlessly and exasperatedly through the darkness that she thought of those visions. "The world is a very lonely place." She said that repeatedly and aloud. "Now I am in worse prison than ever." She felt numb, heard nothing, saw no shadows, and sensed no sensation.
Joseph's health worsened after that night out in the gazebo, as she had predicated. Vision of bliss slipped away unfairly. She pondered over the abyss of desertion she was caught in its web while clenching her teeth. The lifeless world seemed unreal; and as she conjured up a vision, a life, she felt anguish and anxiety were creeping. "I may as well go with him." She thought. "How can I bury the second man that I've ever loved?" But immediately she investigated her feeling. The love she had for Joseph was very different than the love she had for Steve. This one was a mature love and understanding; the other had been an escape, a transient passion of youth. Thought and feeling that she would not like to bring onto the surface, hammered her like many inquisitive eyes and she drowned herself one more time in them.
*
Festivity was over; good times and easy life were not around any longer. When Shahzdeh had said that after six months he would not send money to Aria, Anna had thought that he might change his mind, but he did not. The brawl began between Rosy and Aria when he suggested that they both needed to get a job.
"Why do I need you for if I have to get a job?" Rosy broke in rudely.
"Is that why you married me, my money?"
Rosy shuddered but she turned her back to him. She had showed her real self to her husband, something that Anna knew from the beginning.
Anna volunteered to give half of her money to Aria; however that was not enough for the extravagant life that Rosy was used to it. Aria went to his sister apartment unannounced one Sunday afternoon, exactly one month after their father had stopped sending him money. His face was red and his eyes were feverish.
"Rosy left me. She moved out."
Anna knew instinctively of this inevitable outcome. She had been able to unravel Rosy's mind the first minute she saw her.
"Sit down, Aria. It's not the end of the world."
"She never loved me. She wanted my money. She used me."
"relax, I know." You're better off without her."
"How can you say that? I love her. How can she do this to me?"
Anna let her brother to discharge all his anger; and when he was finally calm, she went to him and hugged him.
"Listen, I know how upset you are now. I understand it. I am sure one day you'll meet a nice woman, someone that loves you for you."
"Woman! I'm done with that."
"I know you're hurt now. I don't blame you. But let's be logical. You have a wonderful future. You'll be a doctor one day. Things will change." Her vehement talk brought a warmth to Aria.
What do I do without you? You're my anchor even though I'm eight years older than you. I am ashamed of the way I treated you when you were living with us."
"Don't, that wasn't you. What are you going to do now?"
"I don't know. I'm devastated."
"I hope these things don't interfere with your school!"
"I don't know."
"Do you want us to live together again if it helps you?"
"I don't think so. You need to have a life. You don't want to put up with a depressed person."
"What a sister is for, then? Actually I think it is a right thing to do right now."
"I don't know. I think about it."
He hugged his sister. It felt good to know someone loved him truly.

To Be Continued

Chapter Seven, //////////////////Taste of Life

Three weeks after Anna's phone call to her father, Shahzdeh came. Anna and Aria went to the airport. They had talked it over that Shahzdeh would stay with Anna. It was a hot Saturday in July. Humidity was unbearable; nonetheless, it was not the hot temperature that burning her from inside out and all over, but it was the thought of her father's discovering Aria's marriage.
In her apartment, Shahzdeh took a shower first. He seemed tired and looked old. Upon their arrival, Anna had introduced her roommate:
"Dad, this my roommate, Marianna."
Shahzseh's initial response was not pleasant, but as time passed, during the evening meal and after they talked for a while, since Shahzdeh spoke fairly good English, he began liking Marianna, this young roommate of his daughter. He ate his daughter's cooking and he could not be stern about it. "I didn't know you can cook!"
"I learned with the help of recipe books, besides I used to watch our cook and learned a lot from her. I hope you like it."
Aria had dinner with them, too. While the evening was elapsing, Anna and Aria gave report of their achievement at school to their father. It was a year and and a half that she had left Iran. Shahzdeh was pleased to hear that his children were doing good at school. The thought of his son becoming a medical doctor and his daughter becoming a nurse for now and later to become a teacher at nursing school was pleasing to his ears. On the other hand, Anna and Aria were gratified by their performance which they knew it was a calm before storm. The thought of telling the shocking news of Aria'a marriage to their father trembled them both. When late in the evening Aria was leaving, Shahzdeh got up, too. "I go with you. I want to meet your roommate, too."
His children shuddered.
"Why don't you stay with me for a couple of days, father. Aria has this difficult test. He needs to study. After he takes his test, then you go and stay with him for a while." Anna was not lying. Both her brother and she had a test in a few days. It was the end of Summer one semester.
Shahzdeh sat back on his chair. Aria left.
Anna offered her bedroom to her father and she decided to sleep in Marianna's room. That night in the bedroom, Marianna and Anna talked almost all night.
"You just have to tell him." Marianna said. "He'll find out sooner or later."
"You don't understand our culture. When he finds out, I don't know what will he do? It is hard to tell a man like my father what he doesn't want to hear. He is not going to send us money anymore."
"I know and I understand the differences between cultures, but how can you hide something big like this! Unless Rosy leave the apartment as long as your father is here."
"That is not possible. First, she won't do it. Second there is her stuff, clothes, make up, everything is there. It is obvious a woman living there not a man roommate. They can not clear the whole place. My father is not stupid. Even if Rosy won't be there, and Aria brings a friend and pretends he is living with him, my father would know right away."
"I guess you're right. What are you going to do?"
"I don't know. Probably I am the one that must tell him the truth.
In the morning as Anna was making tea for her father, Shahzdeh walked to the kitchen. A feverish shudder ran through every nerve of her body. It was an unbearably dreadful moment.
"I want to go and see Aria' place. I won't bother him. I'll come back for lunch here." Shahzdeh was wrung with anguish. He knew his children were hiding something from him.
"You'll see his place dad. Leave him alone today. Let him study."
"What is going on Anna? What is that you're hiding from me?"His voice had passed its prime, but it was obvious that voice was a fine and gentle one once.
Anna flushed: "Sit down dad. I tell you the truth."
By the time Anna was done telling him everything, she felt stronger than ever. Shahzdeh's face expression showed nothing to Anna. She could not read anything on it. He paced the room up and down like an angry lion. She was dizzy. Finally he sat, raised his head and looked at his daughter straight in the eyes.
"You two have disgraced your family. Why didn't you tell me before so I could stop it?"
"No, father, you couldn't stop it. Aria was blind. He still is. Rosy is draining him both emotionally and financially. She is an absolute user. Believe me it will come to an end, but this is not the time. Aria is very sensitive. If he separates from Rosy now, it will interfere with his school. He'll see through this woman one day on his own. Let him find out for himself."
"I'm not going to throw my money away so this woman get her education, absolutely not."
"Dad, please listen to me. You're not helping her, you're helping Aria. He is very smart. Don't ruin his life."
Anna felt exhausted by the time the conversation was over. She missed her school that day. Shahzdeh did not want to admit, but secretly he admired his daughter for her loyalty to her brother. "She is so grown!" He thought. But if he continued sending money, he had given up his honor, he was bought by Rosy like his son did. That was not acceptable to him. What would he do?
*
After two weeks when Shahzdeh was going back to Iran, he believed that Anna could not live a life like her mother. She was too smart and driven for that kind of life. Deep inside, he respected his daughter, this grown up woman, only eighteen. Nonetheless, he was not certain at all for his son's future. He recognized the first minute he had seen Rosy that Anna had known about that woman, the deceptive side of this charming blond, blue eyes American who was draining his son emotionally and financially and was driving him to insanity.
The conclusion of this trip was to send money to Aria for six more months until he would get a job to support himself and his wife.

To be continued

Seven, Taste of Life

"but ignoring the past, is robbing the future. How can I know what to do if I ignore every thing that had happened to me in past? Tell me who Am I? What is Anna? What is me? Do you want me to be a woman without a past?" Stammered Anna.
"No, that is not what I meant. Don't ignore anything, use it. You must study your history to know who you are. Remember I am a historian. Everything from two thousand years ago and beyond related to today only in different shape and form. When you study your history, you'll certainly know who you are. Then you can make intelligent decision for your future. I said don't duel on past."
"I understand what you said. I don't think I am dueling in past. To me, my past or your past are like chapters of a book; you read them and move on to the next chapter; but you can't forget them, because if you do, you don't understand the rest of the book." If there was a light on there, he could see the rim of her hazel color eyes were more pronounced.
"This was a very good comparison. Just look at them as chapters of books as you, yourself, said. don't read them over and over. I understand that you've been through a lot; so have I. But you're a fighter as I have said repeatedly. This is one of your most important quality; and the other ability which is hard to find in others, specially immigrants like you, is that you can easily adapt to new situation and environment; something everyone should have, immigrant or not and most don't. Look at you, see what you've done. While all girls in your school married at young age and never knew their qualities, let us say if they were born here, you fought your father tooth and nail and convinced him to come to America and became educated. You worked and supported yourself, again unheard among women of your class in Iran. I know the tragedy of your first marriage and what happened to your brother were beyond endurance, but you survived and prevailed. You're a fighter. Stay that way." His voice sounded normal, as though he was not fighting for his life. Anna could picture his kind, shiny brown eyes specially when he was excited or he was acting like a teacher.
Suddenly a chill blast of air struck Anna and a thought flashed through her mind.
"Are you okay here, honey? May be we go inside."
"I'm fine. Never been better. I am enjoying myself."
"I'm just worried, that is all."
"Don't. What's going to happen, happens. You and I have no control over it. Back to what we were talking about, I think people like you and I are very isolated because we are very independent in mind and soul. That makes us different and segregated. We look at each other and others through our own lenses and and values."
"That is true. I very much believe in what you just said. We're honest and simple. We tell the truth even though most of the times it hurts us."
"How can we not tell the truth if we don't project things on ourselves?" Joseph said while starting a new cigar.
"That is my point. When I look at a problem or a person, I don't see objective reality. I see things filter through my own perception. Another words, we can't escape ourselves; we wouldn't want to. All people see reality as it is in their mind. We look at things trough our own experiences. We need to adjust our lenses for understanding the truth. The only way we can relate to others is to look at ourselves and recall the things we know." She spoke more and more vehemently.
He stayed quiet for a short while, devouring what she just said. Then he poured more wine in the glasses. "I adore you." He said it in his speaking mind.
"I see me in you. You talk my heart. You take my breath away. I could not say it better than you did. You know, honey, we are in the category of a small portion of the human beings, the independent in mind. I want to do what I am pleased to do. Most people don't understand us. How can they? The whole point of Socrates is to know yourself, know your perception, and relate to what you know. That is the only way to now the truth." His pale smile was seen in the moonshine.
"But yet, even though we're different and independent thinkers, we both have made many mistakes like majority of people. Why is that? How come?" Anna inquired.
"because we are all part animals,too. We do fall in bad situations, bad habits, like my two terrible marriages that ended up to divorce before I met you."
Anna gazed into space thoughtfully. She felt relaxed. A breeze shivered her a little and suddenly she remembered the catastrophe she would come to face soon. The hateful thought shook her and she looked ardently at her husband.
"Don't you think it's time to go inside. It's getting a little chilly."
"What time is it?"
"I don't know. Let's go inside."
It was two in the morning. They have spent five hours outside in the gazebo, just as imagining normal things and talking about it would solve their problem. In bed, Anna thought of the harsh way that life was about to steal her bliss. "It's not fair." She thought.
*
To Be Continued

Seven-------------Taste of Life

As the hot summer of Dallas was showing its stony face, Anna realized that there was no reckoning with life. Everything was dominated by sunshine, as she was full of blood of life, and planets were woven green and gold shimmering juice. The naked truth of life was more than her comprehension. She thought dizzily, as she walked in the midst of the intense rolling of sunshine. It appeared to her as if the splendor of her vision and ambition were being ablaze in this overwhelming forge, abandoning her like an awkward dying tree from thirst.
Strangely, Joseph was feeling much better, like a calm before storm; nevertheless, that temporary good feeling was not an unknown symptom to her. She knew by experience that most terminal patients transitory would feel good at the end. It was a horrifying sensation for her and a pleasant one for him. She strove not to show her tremendous fear to her husband. For the first time in the last six months, he felt like walking to the back yard. He had yearned so much for their ardent discourse.
There, where a soothing breeze traveled from the fruit trees into the gazebo, he asked her to bring a bottle of wine and two glasses, as they used to do in the beginning of their marriage. She was reluctant to do so, but how could she take away one of his last desires; to be within his own creation, the gazebo, out in the nature, having conversation, drinking wine, and smoking his cigar. He never liked the rules that tied people to do things which caused no harms to others.
That evening he was a teacher again, his normal self. In the course of the conversation, both forgot that he was sick. His self showed no agony. Sitting on the wrought Iron chair, she like old days, put her feet on his lap and he began massaging them. As wine slowly warmed their blood, they relaxed and drowned themselves in the discourse while rocking their chairs. He was himself again, his natural self that she adored about him. Nature cooperated with them and stars shone and full moon was in full bloom.
"It's an epuhoria to be here again. I've forgotten how the yard looks like." He seemed happy.
"I'm so glad that you feel better. I've missed this, too."
"You don't sound enthusiastic. What is bothering you? Are you worried for me?"
"Nothing bothers me. I'm fine." Her voice was saddened by her emotion of fear which she wanted to believe it was happiness. But it could not be hidden from him.
"Tell me, sweet heart, why are you sad? Are you scared? What is holding you to be happy? Look at this beautiful sky. Enjoy it. Who cares what happens tomorrow."
She stayed silent for awhile. He could not see in the dark her cloudy eyes. He knew well her sensitivity and the things she had faced in her life.
"You're a strong woman. Don't let your emotion destroy you. You are a fighter. You've always been a fighter. See what you've accomplished in your life!"
Suddenly her silent sobbing changed to a roar of uncontrollably cry. Wine was affecting her resilience. He stayed unspoken for awhile and let her cry. He understood that all her past experiences and the one year of his sickness had taken their toll on her and finally breaking her. After she had no tears to shed anymore, he poured more wine in both glasses and Anna started a cigarette.
"Dueling in past is robbing the present. You need to put all those behind you. You're safe with me. This is the least I can do for you after all you've done for me. I know my situation is not an easy one. I am so lucky to have you to go through this with." His voice sounded euphonious. It was like a harmonious symphony.

To Be Continued

Chapter Seven, Taste Of Life

In a life so tasty, mysterious, and adorable,
An overwhelming power binds us to drive.
The temporary, sad life is not avoidable;
Nevertheless, the hidden purpose of it keeps us alive.

It's moments are filled with blues,
And many more grief we always face.
Reaching to our exhausted goals bring us bad news;
As a baby cries in the comfort of embrace.

When the innocent age is over, it comes longing and pain.
At youth, the ambitious drives push and confound.
Being old, tormented memories hammer the brain.
At death bed, the momentary life doesn't seem profound.

I wonder, is a moment worth all woes?
My secret other self brightens my eyes for a path.
For the lovers of love, there are beauties and rainbows,
While the ignorant people are drowned in lust and wrath.
*
In the crowded street, Anna could find solitude, the most universal, anticipated, and trusting state of human being; that cherished and and serene nature of being aware of the world and herself. She felt that not every beginning had an end hidden in it; the solution could not always be recognized. It was sometimes covered too well.
The relief was so great for her that it overshadowed the fear of telling her father about moving out from her brother's place. But when Sunday came, the day that her father always called to talk to both his children, she woke up sweaty an wet from an unbelievable fear, trembling. Shahzdeh would call Aria's apartment to talk to them. "What would Aria say to him?" She thought. "Anna is not home. She moved out." She pictured her father's outrage. Brain storming over a solution, she finally came to the conclusion to call her father herself. This was something she had to do. She hated to betray her brother because she knew for fact that his wife would betray him when she was done draining him. Not knowing how the conversation would turn out, she dialed the number. She looked at the clock. "It is two in the afternoon there in Tehran." Shahzdeh answered the phone himself.
"Father, it is me."
"Anna, what's wrong? Why did you call? It is four in the morning there. I was going to call myself a little later on."
"Don't worry, dad. I missed you and mom so I thought I call you."
"Is everything okay? How is Aria? How is school?"
"Everything is fine. I must say something to you..."
"What, what, Anna? What is wrong?"
"Dad, please listen. Everything is fine. I moved out. I don't live with Aria anymore."
"What did you say? Did I hear it correctly? Why did you that for? Who gave you the right to do that?"
"Dad, please listen. I can explain. Our schedule is very different and Aria had a very hard time to take me to school. Besides one of his friends moved in with him so they can help each other in their studying. I could not stay there with another man in the home. I got an apartment near school and one of my friend, a nursing student is my roommate. Believe me this is much better for both of us. I don't need a car now to go to school. Marianna, my roommate, is very smart and she helps me a lot." Anna felt breathless. She could not believe the lies she was saying to her father, herself.
A long silence ensued. Then Shahzdeh said in a very different tone of voice:
"I want you to come back to Iran right away."
"Please dad, don't do this. I am not coming back until I finish school."
"All right then! I will come there as soon as possible. You are going to kill me one of these days." And he hanged up the phone.
Anna felt powerless after the conversation. "What will I do?" She felt as though she had ruined her life and her brother's life by that call; but did she have any other choice? Shahzdeh would find out himself sooner or later. Now the only thought she had was how to protect her brother. She did not care at that moment for herself. If their father came, he would find out about Aria's marriage and her lying to him. What would she do.
In a few hours she called Aria and told him what had happened. Aria was outrageous.
"You ruined my life."
"No, I had to. What were you planning to to tell him when he asked you about me? I had to. I promise that I fix things for you."
Fixing things, something that Anna learned to do from very young age.
*

To be continued

Chapter six, Emptiness

Anna started school that same day. Aria took her to school, and showed her around. They made her to take many tests, one of them English proficiency, and she passed them all. She did not have to take English as a second language (ESL) courses. Because their schedules were different, soon Anna learned how to ride a bus and use public transportation so she did not have to depend on her brother. Her attempt to make friend with Rosy was complete failure. Her future sister-in-law stayed aloof towards her. Anna did not know what attracted her brother to this woman. Rosy was mean and bossy. She lacked femininity. Soon, Anna find out that her brother was afraid of Rosy.
Anna learned to cook simple things, for she could not stand their habits of eating out or fast food every day and night. To her, Rosy cared more about achieving her goal and becoming a medical doctor than her personal life with Aria. Anna did not know how to tell her brother that Rosy was using him and even her for their money; and she was not truly in love with him. It did not need a genius to figure that out. She wondered why Aria, her talented brother, could not see it. As a famous saying goes, when it come to the fair of hearts, they are not a dispute. He was blinded by his love for Rosy and could not see that she did not love him. She was only pretending since she knew how wealthy their fatter was. Anna learned more about Rosy's background. She learned that there was no chance for her to go to medical school without their money, their father's money.
When in the evenings three of them were home, Anna tried to close her eyes and ears so not to hear and see what that deceitful woman was doing to her brother. She tried to concentrate on her studying but that did not stop her of feeling miserable for herself and sorry for her brother.
As the wedding day was getting closer, Anna watched how Rosy used their money to buy extravagant wedding gown. Then in one insomnious night, she overheard Aria and Rosy's argument in their bedroom.
"Listen honey, she is the only family I have here. I want her to be one of the bridesmaid." Aria's voice was gentle and supplicating.
"I told you many times no. I've already picked my bridesmaids, no."
"Please, what has she done to you that you hate her so much? She is my sister."
"Listen, if you keep insisting, the wedding is off."
"Don't do this to me sweet heart. I love you; but she is the only family I have here, please!"
"No,no,no, and one more thing, she can't live with us when we marry. She needs to find another place to live. I can't stand this anymore."
"How can we do this? First, we need her money. Our income has doubled since she came; besides if we tell her to find her own place, my father will find out and I don't know what he will do."
"That is up to you. I don't know how you're going to do it, but you must. You can stop going to school and work and let me finish first, and then you can finish school."
Anna covered her ears with her hands so not to hear anymore. Now she was certain that Rosy did not care for Aria. She was an absolute user.
At school Anna put an add on the bulletin board: "Need a female roommate". Soon many responded to her ad. Among all the girls, Anna liked Marianna. She was a nursing student, too. Anna wanted to get a nursing degree and began working and perhaps after that she would get her PHD to become a nursing professor. Anyway, they found an apartment very close to university; and a week before the wedding, she broke the news to Aria and Rosy:
"I've found this apartment close to school. I'm moving out this weekend."
Aria's eyes dilated while Rosy's face wreathed in smile.
"How are you going to tell dad?" Aria asked.
"I don't know. I think of something." She answered while smiling back at Rosy.
Anna never told her brother that she had overheard them. She attended the wedding like other guest. It was summer of 1967. Anna felt emptier than ever.

To be continued

Chapter Six----------------------------EMPTINESS

When they entered Aria's apartment, all the lights were off. They went in the dark while Anna wondered where Rosy, her brother's girlfriend was.
"Where is Rosy? I thought she lives with you!"
"She does. She is asleep. Let's not make any noise. She can't go back to sleep if she wakes up."
"Can we put the lights on? I need to unpack."
"Do it in the morning. I told you we can't disturb Rosy."
Anna shuddered and tears swam in her eyes. Her brother was not the same. Something had happened. He took her to a room which was not actually a room but part of the living room and yet was separate from living room.
"This is our study. You can have it for now until we find a two bedroom apartment."
She nodded her head and stayed in dark alone. She had to much to say to her brother; but it seemed that he had no desire to talk to her. She conjured up her cousin in London, two nights ago. "They stayed up almost all night and talked to me. We had so much to say to each other. She remembered how his British wife participated willingly in their discourse and remembrance. Aria looked and acted like a stranger. It felt as though he was afraid of his girlfriend, a woman he wanted to marry soon.
There was no bed in the study; however there was a sofa. Aria had left a pillow and a blanket there for her. When Anna's eyes got accustomed to the dark, she opened her suitcase and looked for something comfortable to wear. She sat on the sofa all night and pondered and predicted a hard and harsh life with her brother and his girlfriend. "What will I do?" She thought to herself. She could not live alone. Her father would not allow it. And she was smart enough to realize that she was not welcomed there. She could not go back. She did not want to. "What will I do?"
She conjured up their drive from airport to Aria's home. He was quiet. She could not understand why her brother was not showing any excitement seeing her. She remembered their vehement letters after her father finally agreed for her to go and join her brother. It was him, her brother, that gave him enough courage to fight their father. Why was he silent?
"Are you tired?" She had asked him in the car.
"Ya, why are you asking?"
"You're very quiet. Aren't you happy to see me? We did it."
"Oh, I'm happy. I'm just tired. I have so much in my mind. We talk later."
He did not want even to continue the conversation.
"Am I going to be a nuisance in your life?" She had asked.
Aria Suddenly turned his face to her. His eyes dilated. "No, don't worry too much little sis."
Sitting on the sofa, staring into the dark, Anna could not wait for the morning. She even did not know if she would start school in the morning. There was no window in the study or the addition of the living room; however, the window in the living room enticed her to walk slowly and quietly there. Their apartment, seemed to her, was located in the outskirt of the city of Washington D.C. She did not see any high way, as she had heard about American high ways in Iran. She had been to America once but that was many years ago and they had gone to California since her father had some friends there.
A car or two passed occasionally. Everything was dark and grimy. She felt out of place and blue. She was in so much shock that no thoughts passed her mind. She felt unfeeling. Finally she gave up the window and went back to the study and sat on the sofa while hugging her knees. A cold shiver entered her body and she draped the blanket around her shoulder and finally fell asleep in sitting position. It was five in the morning, a cold, wintry morning far from all things familiar to her.
When Aria came to the living room at six in the morning, he found her sister asleep in sitting position with her head bent on her shoulder and knees in her chest. He silently went to the kitchen to make coffee; but the sound of the water awakened Anna from her one hour sleep. She joined him in the kitchen.
"We need to call Iran. Dad expect our call." She said.
Aria remained speechless for a moment and then said:
"I am sure he calls himself."
Anna did not know what to say. She had promised her father to call.
"I promised dad to call."
"We don't throw our money away by phone calls." His voice was strange.
Anna, bewildered, thought for a minute. If her brother's attitude was like that on her first day staying with him, how would it be later? "Why does he care for the phone bills? He doesn't work. Dad pays for everything." She thought to herself.
"What is the difference Aria? Doesn't dad pay for your living here?"
"Are you trying to cause problem for me? We are trying to save money for our wedding."
Anna lowered her head and did not say anything. She left the kitchen and went back to study. Somehow she knew that her brother's coldness and indifference had something to do with his girlfriend. Her suitcases was still in the corner of that room and she was frightened to ask her brother where to hang her clothes. Coffee was perking in the kitchen. She imagined that she needed to drink coffee instead of tea that was their custom for morning breakfast, and after lunch and dinner. She could hear Aria's electric shaver in the bathroom. She realized that she had not used the bathroom since she had arrived the night before. She stayed unspoken and unfeeling on the sofa until the bedroom door was opened and she saw Rosy for the first time.She did not know what to do! An unknown fear from this woman had already set in. Rosy went to the kitchen. She had a pink, satin robe on. She poured herself a cup of coffee without looking at Anna. Bewildered Anna pondered for a moment: "What will I do?"Her cultural upbringing came to her rescue. She got up from the sofa and went to the kitchen.
"Hello Rosy, nice to see you."
Rosy took a glimpse from the corner of her eye and put her cup on the kitchen table. "Oh, hi," At this time Aria came to the kitchen. " I see that you two met."
Rosy glanced at him and said nothing. Then she went to the bathroom. Soon Anna could hear the shower. She needed one, too. But she was afraid even to use the bathroom.
When Aria and she were alone, Anna finally broke into a hysterical cry. Aria, very upset, said:
"What is wrong?"
Anna raised her head and looked at him through her rainy eyes: "It seems to me that I'm not welcomed here."
"I don't know what are you talking about?"
"Yes, you do. You've changed. What is wrong with you? We haven't spoken barely since I came last night. I am even afraid to use the bathroom. I don't know where to hang my clothes. You don't let me call dad. What else do you want me to tell you? You said if I come, you take care of me. You convinced dad. Now you say there is nothing wrong."
Aria stayed quiet. Then he walked to Anna and gently hugged her.
"I'm sorry Anna. You're right. See this is America. It is different than Iran. We have a small apartment. It's going to be hard on Rosy."
"What do you want me to do? I have my own money. You can rent a bigger place. I thought that you're already done it. Do you want me to go back to Iran? If that is so, I will; but then I have to tell dad about Rosy and that you two are living together. You know what that means. If dad finds out, he is not going to send you money anymore."
"Are you threatening me?"
"No, I am not. But you are putting me in a very bad situation. What do you want me to do? I don't know anything about here. Can you just tolerate me for a little while until I learn my way around?"
"I am sorry Anna. I don't know what have gotten into me!"
*

To be continued

Chapter Six, *************** EMPTINESS

So many words have lost their essence,
Entity, emptiness, mountain, and feather.
In their effort to say what needed to sense;
They moved away out of open doors up into weather.

We worshipped the emptiness for years,
Which obstructed our entity.
We built a castle of love free from fears.
But the emptiness robbed our sanity.
And our entity, in desperation, passed
And we extol the event once more in its entire;
Detached from who I was, his fear, hope, and my past,
Unfastened from the strong, dangerous desire.

Here we are and the mountain is feather now;
That was stormed into the emptiness somehow.
*
What was death to her? An emblem; the death of what history talked, something haughty, all inclusive, and grimy. What was death to him? A lifting of body and sinking away, unfinished business, unfairness, and cruelty of God. The core of the world could not be the same as the rippling tumult and refuge of the small drowsy breeze, waves, movements, and thoughts. And there were thoughts, discourses, and communications that Joseph would miss the most, thinking about his death. The sensation was nothing but disbelief, a nihilism and dubiety for everything he knew, learned, and believed. For Anna, however, it was a different sensation; anger, a savage anger towards God, who was about to rob the final ecstasy she had found in the company of her husband and friend.
As she felt his body soaring into hers, she saw how it was sinking away at the same time. It seemed to impose a tune, a new oscillation in her. There was something frightening in the boundlessness and tranquility of their home; as his warmth captured her and cast away her last rigor. Soon, he would join the nature, what he admired the most, and she would join the infuriating, what she knew for a long time. The uncouth blast of life seemed obstructed in their room, while they were together. They remained indifferent to all else. What Joseph repeatedly said to Anna made her uneasy and sardonic:
"I apologized for all of this, for what I'm putting you through; but I'm grateful, too for what you're doing for me."
Anna could not understand his apology or gratefulness.
"Wouldn't you do the same if you were me?"
"I would!"
"Then don't apologize to me."
Joseph gently caressed her hair and a faded smile wreathed his face. Anna messaged his forehead and kissed him on his lips.
"When I married you, suddenly and immediately all the fog around me was lifted. I understood then what I had felt before were conflict and discord, were not so. They were unity and harmony; that discrepancy inside me was a formulated way, my own exclusive counter blast. My personality then, was divided to two; a calm, peaceful, and composed one when I was alone. Now my individuality is in its blooming quintessence, once was two in process. The day I married you was a great day in my life. It was the end of hesitation and doubts about my disunion and discord and the beginning of lucidness and sobriety in my feeling and knowledge." Anna's voice was trembling with emotion.
Joseph's eyes dilated. He had noting to say, for he had felt the same when he married Anna.
*

To Be Continued

Chapter Five, Full and Crescent

John's room was filled with toys. Walls were decorated with his pictures. A hidden desire grabbed Anna's heart and she yearned having a baby. She thought to herself: "What is Jan thinking about us, our lives?" Walking to the window, she pondered: "If she was Persian, perhaps she wouldn't like a former candidate to marry her husband to stay with them. She pulled the drapes aside and stayed by the window, gazing into the dark of sky. A bone chilling cold was forced through the Cracks of window. She shivered, but stubbornly stood there and waited for dawn which was not very far from showing its face. She remembered the painful process of getting ready and getting her visa. She wanted to enroll in school in fall, but by the time everything went through, it was to late. Her seventeenth birthday, just a week ago, First of January, was a painful experience. For the first time she realized that there was a subliminal strength beneath her mother's submission. She did not understand then why her mother was crying; but now she knew that perhaps her mother wished to have her daughter's vigor.
Suddenly another thought, like a poisonous knot tormented her. "I'm going to miss a week of school." She was frightened by that thought not knowing anything about American system of eduction. "Is that going to make me fall behind?" She noticed that she was talking aloud to herself. The pain of trespass outshone her anguish. "In less than two days!" She said to herself. "I'll be with Aria." The thought of seeing her brother brought a faded smile to her face. She reflected stupefied, as she sat on the bed, in the core of this tempestuous tumbling of night. "When will the day come?" She said to herself. Loud, distressing, and endless thoughts, like little waves of an ocean, gushed to her soul and broke her dull emotions. Suddenly she noticed a dim light far in horizon. "Is dawn finally here?" She thought. Yes, it was dawn of a new day, new beginning. She walked to the window again to observe the birth of the dawn in this land. "Is it different than Tehran?" She asked herself. The dim light was gradually losing its obscurity and becoming brighter. She intensely looked at the night evaporating from the sky and leaving behind the perpetual formation of the day. Soon the sun would enlighten the earth of ecstasy.
John's crying in the living room alarmed Anna of the morning. She joined Jan.
"Did you sleep?" Jan asked her.
Anna looked amiably at her and nodded her head for no.
"I am so sorry."
Anna wondered why Jan apologized for her sleeplessness. "I need to give her a reason."
"I'm just too nervous and anxious. You understand that, don't you?"
Jan liked her husband's cousin. She was strange, but by knowing enough about their life style, she could understand her strangeness.
Anna offered to play with John while Jan prepared the breakfast. The baby first was scared and did not want to give in to his cousin's kindness, but gradually he calmed down and allowed Anna to hold him and play with him.
Around seven in the morning Shahzdeh called. The ring awakened Fro, who was enjoying his Sunday morning sleep. Anna assured her father that she was fine and rested and her cousin and his wife were very hospitable.
When Jan was leaving home to go to market, Anna offered to go with her. Fro and baby stayed home. In the market, Jan bought many can foods, frozen vegetables, meat, chicken, and bread. She could not believe when Anna told her that she had never been to a market.
"How come? Didn't you ever go with your mother to market?"
Anna felt embarrassed to tell jan that even her mother had never been to a market, but she said it anyway: "Women in my family are not allowed to go to market. We have maids for that."
"Fro had told me that; but I thought he was exaggerating. From what I hear, and what I see now, I give you a lot of credit being here by yourself. That takes a lot of guts."
"Life of women in my family is no exaggeration, Jan. Believe me, many time I wanted to go to the city but my father never allowed that; and thank you for your comment about my bravery, because it was only my courage that made my father to agree of sending me out of country.
Jan went to a deep thought for a moment and then said: "Fro must love me a lot to give up that luxury and live like this and work very hard."
Anna smiled: "I have no doubt that he loves you very much. He was devastated when he was in Tehran. I was the only one knew about you. He trusted me. About our lives, it may seem intriguing to you but I rather your life style.I want to be in charge of my own destiny. I want to make decision for my own life. If I ever marry, I want to marry a man that I choose and love and have children with him, like you. Believe me that life is so stifling."
"Are you going to live with your brother?"
"Yes, for now; but he lives with his girlfriend and they want to marry. In fact, they delayed their marriage so I can be there. My parents don't know anything about it. There was no way they they let me go if they knew it. We kept it it secret. When Aria and Rosy marry, I don't know, may be I get my own place."
Jan put the groceries in the trunk of her car and they drove back home. In the car, Jan said:
"Anna, I don't think I like to live like that. It seems like a mystery, like a book; but now that I had a chance to glance at it from point of view of a woman, like reading a chapter of a book, it doesn't look like a mystery anymore?"
"I never thought about it that way." Anna said: "You said it very eloquently. Where did you and Fro meet?"
"At school. We both graduated at the same year. I was working and going to school; but now because of the baby I don't work anymore. It is hard with one income but we have no choice. We both decided that we can't trust anyone with John."
"I don't blame you, Jan."
It was a cold, soundless morning, when everything out there shone in brightness; but away from the radiance, among walls, there was only dark color and indifference to Anxious Anna. The tumult of life surprisingly suppressed Anna's heart. In the small flat with all the noises in it, she heard for a moment a deadly silence. She closed her eyes and ignored John, who was playing with her. Her ignorance brought the baby to a loud cry and Jan and Fro to the living room from the kitchen. She suddenly came to her senses and looked at them frightened. The baby's cry made her aware that something was wrong.
"What happened, Anna? What is it?" Fro asked nervous.
Jan picked up the baby and soon he was quiet. Anna was ashamed and learned a lesson not to hallucinate around a baby.
"I must have fallen asleep." She said.
"Jan said that you didn't sleep last night, is that right?" Fro asked. "Why don't you take a little nap before lunch."
Anna did not argue. On John's bed, she fell asleep right away.
*
Sitting in light, staring to the dark of night, Anna felt that there was a special grandeur in her journey. This journey was more like a flight, a fleeting from all her childhood, background, and everything else she knew. The thought hurt her with its adamant persistence and she sighed in despair. She conjured up Fro's home and his family; but they all looked faded. "What is wrong with me?" She sighed again. Soon, she would be reunited with her brother. "I miss him so much."
The seven hours flight began in the late evening and ended in Washington. When the airplane was taxiing to the gate, she looked at her watch. It was three in the morning London time, eight in the morning Tehran time. She pictured Fro and his family in their home sound asleep. Her father was probably smoking in his office with his graying hair after his breakfast and estimating her arrival to U.S.
Outside in the parking lot, Anna looked at the sky. The sophisticated moon was striding through superficial of white clouds. She hugged Aria gain and got into her car.

To Be Continued

Chapter Five,_________FULL AND CRESCENT

Swiftly, the unusual journey began
To an ocean of messages where waves ran.
You became one with the waves through madness and grace.
In salty water you washed your body and face.
You followed friends, broke the torch of fire.
In the nimble water, world looked so very dire.
How long did the torch teach?
That had to be broken for your reach.

Storm knows of its transient state.
Just go, but look at sun as you await.
You're sometimes full like the moon.
When you feel crescent, melodies don't tune.
*
Some pieces of small, gray cloud, like a slow walking animal, had crept across the uncultivated sky. There, where it was only a glass between her and the barren sky, Anna felt that she was only a shadowy grain projected by the sunshine for its inadequacy. Quintessence and sound were obscurities that morning which had spread to manifest their pliability.
She pressed her face to the small window, as though her soul could somehow fly out to that sunshine, while remembering her mother's weeping eyes and her father's graying hair. As she conjured up the long, painful battle to get there, a sudden fear haunted her. However, the adventure of traveling alone and going to another country without the protection of her parents soon enabled her to overcome the anxiety.
The glass window between her and sunshine frightened her and she yearned the fantasy of touching that firing ball, of being with it and dissolving in it. The book on her knee stayed close all the way to London, where her cousin Fro and his wife were supposed to receive her.
Despite Fro's marriage to a foreign woman which had caused turmoil and coldness between two families, Shahzdeh had no choice but to open the line of communication with his nephew so his daughter could stay with him that one night. He would not possibly allow her to go to a hotel in a foreign land. The thought of seeing Fro, her cousin and confidant, temporary enlightened her soul and her face wreathed in smile. Dazing thoughtfully into space, she finally fell asleep.
In Heath row Airport, she was one of the first to exit the airplane. After going through the custom and getting out where she was supposed to pick up her luggage, she began searching anxiously to find Fro. She felt motionless, unhearing, and speechless. There were so many inquisitive eyes there that piercing her through like they had never seen a young girl traveling by herself. She was tormented. When she finally saw her cousin among the crowd, she let go of her stifled emotions and ran to embrace him. The two cousins cried of happiness and when at last their roaring joy subsided, Fro introduced his wife, who was holding their baby to Anna.
"Anna, this is Jan, my wife."
Anna hugged Jan and the baby together with pleasure.
In their small two bedroom flat in the outskirt of London, they lived a very modest life, Their old furniture all over the house were given to them by Jan's parents. Anna was overwhelmed to see Fro and his family. She particularly love the baby, who was fifteen months old. A little, chubby boy, who looked so much like Fro. Jan was receptive and did not mind that her husband and Anna talked Persian or discussed their old encounters. However, soon Anna realized the rudeness of talking their own tongue. Even though shyness was her reason not to speak English, she was afraid that Jan might take it as an insolence. When she began speaking English, Jan was amazed how good she had mastered that language.
Jan was aware that at one point her husband had been a candidate to marry Anna; but she also knew the stifle life they lived in and how hard Anna had struggled to convince her father for going to America.
In that cold January evening, the three of them stayed in the living room and talked. It was four in the morning when they decided to go to bed. Anna was offered the baby's room.
"I can sleep on the sofa." she blissfully said."
"Oh, no, please, John always wakes up at six and he won't let you sleep. I want you to sleep in John's room. John can sleep with us tonight," Jan said.
Anna was thankful for the generosity of this English woman.

Chapter Four ************Ordinary and Rife

Anna's graduation from high school was an overwelming event. However she was dried out of exhaustin. At such young age, she felt so old, so worn out, and so tired that even the honarary party for her achievement did not seem rapturous. The seed of fear that her father had planted in her since she was a little girl, aggrandized beyond measure; and even though she knew such men lived up to their words, she was frightened to bring to his father's attention his promise. Her only choice was talking to her mother. But what could a woman like Fatie, who believed in men's superiority and had never said a word to contadict her husband, could do for a daughter like Anna, who did not accept that kind of life?
She was an empty girl who consumed woe and now its effect was fading away and becoming a deep depression. Nonetheless, she talked to her mother only to discover that she did not even know about her husband's promise to her daughter and Aria. Fatie could not understand her daughter; she just could not comprehend why Anna did not want to live a normal life, a life similar to hers. Why did her daughter want life the hard way? To her, school and studying were hard work, everything that made you think was hard work. Instinctively, she loved Anna so much; but her love was more like any mammal love for her off spring. In their conversation, she admitted to her daughter her powerlessness over any decision. That was not something new for Anna. In fact, that was one of the reasons she wanted to live a different life than her mother. She wanted to be in contol, to have power, and to make decision for her life. She wanted to share responsiblities if she ever got married, work, go to school, to stores, shop, and do what ever every normal human being could do. She just did not want to be taken care of.
The hot summer brought a laziness in her soul while she spent her days in her room. Reading, at one point, was the most pleasurable deed, seemed so far away from her poor concentration. She lay on her bed and saw her parents only at dinner time. The three of them became more uncommunicative than ever.
On the other hand, Shahzdeh pondered over a solution to straighten his daughter. He just could not find another man for marrying Anna, for her reputation was ruined by her repeated going against men that her fahter had chosen for her. No family wanted to put their son in that position. He had no choice but to tell his son on the phone that Anna had been graduated from high school. If Anna was so fearful to remind him of his promise, Aria was not. He demanded his father to live up to his promise and asked his father to send Anna's trancript to him so he could enroll her in a college and get her a student visa. Their brawl on the phone was a fierce one. Shahzdeh had to hang up the phone on his son. But Aria did not give up and in one day he called five times and demanded to talk to his sister. His agonizing insistence finally softened Shahzdeh's adament mind and he called Anna to talk to her brother.
When Anna heard her brother's voice after all these times, suddenly a gloomy hope brightened her exhuasted soul. Life returned to her dead spirit; and she rudely closed the door so she could have some privacy with her beloved brother.
"Oh, God, I am so happy to talk to you. I've forgotten how to talk. I just can't live here anymore. Everything in this house is stifling me."
"I know little sis. We must leave him no choice but to send you here. I thought you'll graduate next year. How did you do it?"
"I just did it. I worked very hard. I took more courses and studied days and nights. I just did it." She was overwhelmed talking to her brother.
"Oh, it's so good to hear your voice. Tell me how is your grade. It's important to know."
"I was the best in the class. I passed as honor student."
"Excellent. I want you to send me your transcript and diploma."
"How? They won't let me."
"Anna, listen to me. You can do it. Remember what we talked about. Remember your goals. I know you can do it."
"How about you? I don't know anything about you. Are you about finishing school?"
"Not yet. I am just accepted for a medical school. I got my bachelor degree in chemistry. I got all A, too. I finished it in almost three years. Getting into medical school is very hard, but I did it."
"Oh Aria, that is great. I am so happy for you. You're very smart."
"Not as smart as you are, my little sis. I've just worked very hard to get here."
"Hard work is not enough. You're very smart, too. Tell me about your personal life."
Aria paused for a moment and then said: "Is everyone in the room with you?"
"No, why are you asking?"
"Don't tell anyone what I am about to tell you. I am in love. Rosy and I live together now. She is admitted to Med Scholl, too. We both got scholarship. We want to get married; but we wait until you come and then we have the wedding."
Anna's initial response was shock; but she immediately snapped out of it.
"Oh Aria, that's great. You are the only one in our family that makes sense. I'll be there. I'll be in your wedding." Then something like thunderbolt hit her. "If father finds out, he is not going to send you money anymore. What will you do? You know what happened to Fro!"
"I don't need his money. My school is paid for. I told you that I got a scholarship. I work like everybody else. I don't need our dad's charity. He has a chain on our neck because of his money. We must break the chain to be free of him."
Talking to Aria brough the dead energy back to Anna. When she left the room, she was a new person. She was not a frightened teenager anymore but a strong woman who had her eyes only on one goal, going to America. She went straight to her father's office, where he was sitting in bewilderment. She opened the door without knoking, went inside, and sat on a chair. That reminded Shahzdeh of the time that his son had done the same thing.
"What do you want?"
"I want to go to America. I want you to remember the promise you gave me and Aria. You gave me your word."
Shahzseh looked at her through his glasses. Suddenly he felt old and for the first time Anna noticed his graying hair.
"Let's wait another year." He stammered.
"No, now!" Her voice was harsh.
"What do you want from me? I never have peace with you."
"Me neither dad. I'm not doing anything wrong."
"Why can't you be normal?"
"What is normal to you? Marry a man that you choose for me, live a life like my mother! No, I don't want that and you can't force me to live like that. I want to be in control of my life."
Shahzdeh stayed quiet for a while. She reminded him of himself.
"Listen Anna, you need my help. You can't go to America if I don't help you financially." This was his last attempt to stop her.
"All I want from you to pay for my airplane ticket. When I get there, Aria will help me."
"And if I don't buy you airplane ticket and don't allow you to get out of country since you know better than me that women can not travel without their fathers or husbands permission..."
"I ask Aria to buy me ticket from there and leave you no choice to give me the permission." She had answers for every shahzdeh's maneuver.
When she left her father's office, a natural glow brightened her face. A missing smile was blossoming on her lips.


To Be Continued

FOUR------- Ordinary And Rife

It began with a simple flu. Joseph refused to go to the doctor.
"I am a pharmacist; you're a nurse. I don't need doctor for a simple flu."
He was right. He knew the right medicine for flu; and Anna knew how to take care of a patient. However, his high fever was a great concern to Anna. When after two weeks not only his flu was not better but he felt worse and very weak. She finally convinced him to go to the doctor. Doctor's initial guess was a bad kind of virus.
"This is a bad bug." He said: " But I'm going to do some blood work anyway."
When the result of of the blood test returned, the doctor called himself: "I must see you immediately." More blood test were done, and after a week the shocking news was broken by Dr. T. "I must send you to a specialist."
"What is wrong?" Joseph, concerned, asked.
"Let's the new doctor talk to you about it. I see some irregularity in your blood. I hope I'm wrong but I'm not sure. This new doctor is a very good one and he keeps me informed."
The result of all the other tests and three doctors' opinion was atrocious. They believed that he had had an acute leukemia for a while. How long? They were not sure. It had been concealed; but now it was lighted like an unwanted guest; and it seemed there was not much hope for him. The cancer had been in his body for a while but the symptoms were just shown.
Anna's first response was anger and it came denial; but when finally she accepted the reality, it came sobbing and depression. But how could she help her husband and give him a false hope combined with bliss, if she, herself, needed all the help she could get? Her experience as a nurse was not any assistance for this new tragedy in her life. She, who had seen many hopeless cancer patients in her long years of being a nurse and had learned to be practical rather than emotional, had no clue how to deal with this catastrophe.
Visiting Melisa, her one time therapist and ever since friend, helped her to overcome the anxiety, or better yet, to hide her pain so Joseph would not double suffer, and she could help her husband. He needed her more than she needed him. He, who had not still gotten over the death of his parents; and his son didn't give a damn what was happening to his father, needed her more than ever both physically and emotionally. Against his wish, she quited her job at the hospital to be with him since she had given him promise that no matter what his health situation, he would always stay home until his last breath. She knew by experience and by what the doctors had told her that there was not much hope for him. They could go for chemo and and all the other treatments and delay the death; nevertheless, the inescapable death would come sooner or later. They both knew it. In fact, Joseph demanded that his doctors to tell him the truth. At age fifty seven, he felt he could handle his destiny. How could they hide such an important matter, one's life, from him?
"It's hard to say. May be between six months to a year."
His weakness and fear stopped him from going to work and when all his sick leaves were used, he retired. He, who had always boasted about his health, his physical condition, never missing his daily exercise, came to conclusion that no matter how one does all the right things, where his time comes, there would be no stop to it. That realization was like a wail of a wind that was calling many fierceness.
Anna was not only his wife, nurse, and confidant, but she became his secretary. She neatly typed his last manuscript. Their bed was covered with books that he used for research. However when he became weaker and excruciating pain invaded his body, his mind went blank and he could no longer dictate the final chapters of his books to his wife.
His agony first was more for not being able to finish his book than getting close to death. That anguish changed his personality. The soft spoken, kind, and intelligent man changed to a stern and harsh creature. Anna endured his rigor with her soft and gentle behavior. She left him no choice but to become himself again. Then it came a horrifying fear that conquered his entity. He, who believed his ancestors were Romans, was angry at himself for being scared. He did not know even one Roman who was afraid of death. They were brave and warlike and confronted death with dignity. Treatment was painful and a day came that he told Anna:
"I don't want to put my body through this torture. It's useless. They are trying to prolong my agony not saving my life. I won't go back for treatment again."
Even though she knew the vagueness of the treatment, she shuddered by that comment. She could not possibly make him to do things that he did not want to. She would die before dishonoring his wish. Cutting of from treatment was not the only thing that he demanded.
*

To be continued

Chapter Four,____________ORDINARY AND RIFE

My souring moan beyond the turning ball
Is awakened to climb higher and higher.
I have denied the heart for desire
To reach above tear and fall.

There, I see eerie life,
Where the powerlessness frightens the bliss.
And my aching heart forever miss;
But it speaks of ordinary and rife.

As the turning ball envelops the earth,
And my awakened eyes learn to endure,
The new , glorious radiance, so near, lure;
My aching heart to a new hurt.
*
Aria's letter were brought to Anna by Fro, her cousin. Now he knew everything about his father's deceitful mind and how that devilish act working against him. Meanwhile Fro was arranging to go back to London, where his love and the mother of his child was. Anna was very depressed to lose her friend; nonetheless, Shahzdeh and Fatie took her depression in a wrong way. They thought their plan was working and Anna was in love with Fro. Anna knew there was no return for her cousin. She also knew her letters to Aria and his to her would stop. When she brought that to Fro's attention he came with a brilliant idea. "Why don't you send your letter to Aria to me and then I mail them to him. I don't think your parents mind we write to each other." Nobody yet knew that he had no plan of returning even his parents. Anna thought that as long as they kept the secret of Fro's no return, they could continue their scheme. However, when both families would discover that Fro would never return to Iran, Anna's communication with her brother would also stop. Fro said that he would delay letting his family know about his plan.
When Fro left, her brain was drained of energy. She was impelled to a skepticism whether or not there would be a strong spirit in a vocation which was definitely and unquestionably beyond her ability. Searching for something real like the heart of things brought her a natural fear- a fear that stemmed from the core of her entity and lived with her forever. She came to understanding that there were no indisputable conflicts in her existence. It was only a despicable melody of exhausting endless recurrence.
Six months later when both families learned about Fro's marriage in London and a baby boy, they were all outrageous. Anna, of course, said that she did not know anything about it. After all, Shazdeh's plan did not work. In her last letter to Aria, she wrote him that her letters would stop because of Fro's marriage. Her parents would not let her write letters to a married man, who was disowned by his parents, and who was a perspective candidate to marry her at one point.
She felt as a person in delusion. She observed obscure things which brought her to a halt with no air and breeze. She was suffocating in that golden cage. However, one thing gave her a gloomy light; her parents did not have another candidate to marry her. She drowned herself in studying. At her sixteenth birthday, she was half way through the twelfth grade. She was despondently looking forward to her graduation even though her future after that was unclear. Her exhausted body and soul were joined together for another last attempt- an attempt for reaching an everlasting peace. In the state of numbness, the stern commotion of life was barred from her existence. She felt empty.
*

To be continued

Chapter Three, That Breeze!

When the moon came out at night to put a cool breeze of actuality over the heat of that hot summer, Anna in her room, stayed up late and studied. Not receiving any letters from her brother reinforced her thoughts that her father not only had not mailed her letters to Aria, but also had not given his letters to her. Being so young and inexperienced did not stop her of perceiving her father's deceitful kindness. Quite unexpectedly, he did not mind his daughter to socialize with his nephew. Anna liked Fro, but more like a brother. It was not hard for her to see the reason of Fro's visit almost everyday. If her father was capable of bringing two young people together only for not keeping his word, Anna thought, she could comply with that dishonest act without falling in love with her cousin.
Their age difference, however was not a concern for either of them, for Anna was very mature for her age. Fro, who had just returned from England with a master degree in business, had known about Anna's shattered engagement. In fact, he did not blame her for it.
They sat in the gazebo every evening, where the natural breeze animated their energy, and talked. Shahzseh and Fatie watched them from inside, hoping for a day that Anna fall in love with her cousin and forget about America. But the young cousins, ten years apart in age, who enjoyed each other's company and shared their secrets, were far from falling in love. They felt like two siblings. In less than two months, Fro trusted Anna enough to tell her a secret he had hidden from everyone. "I love this English girl I met in London. She is carrying my baby."
Unbelievable Anna looked at him perplexed and said: "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know. I'm going crazy. I'm thinking to go back to London and marry her and never come back."
"How are going to do that?"
"I'm not sure. May be I tell my parents that I must take another course."
"But don't they know that you've finished school?"
"Yes, but they don't know the educational system in London. I can tell them something that they can believe."
"If they hear that you're married an English girl, they probably disown you."
"I don't care. I'm tired of this life style. I must follow my father's footstep while I have nothing in common with. I work and make a living like anybody else. I don't have to depend on them for the rest of my life. To be dependant is like slavery. Don't you feel like that, too?"
"Yes, I do. But one thing though, do you feel obligated because of the baby or do you really love her? What is her name by the way?"
"Her name is Janet. I call her Jan. I feel obligated for the baby but I also love Jan very much. I heard about your and Aria's brave act of running away your fiance. Tell me about it."
Anna laughed: "What do you want to know. I hated that man. I don't want to marry. I want to go to America. But you know that is impossible for girls. They don't even give Aria's letters to me and I know my letters to him were never been mailed either."
"I can help you with that. Why don't you write a letter to Aria. I mail it for you. You can ask Aria to send his letters to you to my address." He smiled while picking up a piece of watermelon with his fork.
"What a brilliant idea. Do you know why they let us to be together? Nobody has told me that. I figured it out myself." Anna was gratified to find a friend among family members.
"I am suspicious for..."
Fro's words were interrupted when they were called inside for supper.
*
Every night when the darkness of the sky fell upon the sooty building, Anna tried to stop her ears from hearing so she could fall asleep; but even in her unawareness, she was still aware of what she was dreaming. To stop tormented thoughts, which in fact were not thoughts but finding answers for unresolved questions, she stayed awake in her dreams and darkness feeling alone. Her exhausted soul yearned in desperation to gain a little peace. When she dreamt, she was conscious that she was dreaming; and somehow she could stop the dream to think.
Since Joseph's health began deteriorating, She stopped working. He hated to be in the hospital or nursing home. Taking care of him and working at the same time were too much for her to handle. Besides, what could they do for him in the hospital that she, an experienced nurse could not possibly do for him. His mind was still as active as before and his demands were not only medical care. He wanted his wife next to him all the time. He still wanted to satisfy his uproarious soul with vehement discourse they had had at the beginning of their marriage.
When Anna married Joseph, she lost the survivor benefit of her former husband that she was paid by CIA for the last twenty two years. That money combined with money she made by working provided her a comfortable life. Her passion was helping a few organization for needy children after the death of her first husband. Now the situation was different. She was at home without any income of her own; and she had become the care giver to her sick husband. Not being in control financially bothered her at beginning, but when she gradually got used to the idea, she discerned that helping her husband had much greater value than earning money.
On the other hand, Joseph, who had found a woman for the first time who loved him truly, willed everything he had and inherited from his parents to Anna. He had a son from his first marriage, who Anna had never met. The only time that she spoke to Joseph Junior was about two years ago when one Sunday morning at six O'clock she woke up by the ring of the phone. "Hello,"
"Let me talk to Joseph."
Anna thought for a minute. "Who can it be?" She knew that her husband did not like to be bothered by annoying phone calls. It was not his father since she knew his voice and besides he was very fond of Anna and never asked for his son without talking for a while with her.
"May I ask who is calling?"
"This is his son."
She wondered why he did not call her husband dad. She awakened Joseph. "Your son is on the phone."
What he had told her earlier about his son was proved to be true that morning. He wanted money, a lot of it. He was behind his child support. "He calls me only when he wants money." Joseph had said that to Anna about his son many times. Their relationship was only about money; therefore it was cut off when Joseph stopped giving him money. " I am not a bank." he had told him once.
Of course, on that Sunday morning, Joseph, in a very articulate way told his son that he would not give him the money.
"Why don't you help your son this one time. May be things changes." Anna insisted after he hung up the phone.
" He is thirty eight years old. I paid my child support and even more when he was a child. He needs to take responsibility for his son."
"But may be just his one time. How could you say no to your son?"
"Listen honey, you don't know our history. He never calls me or even knows if I am alive or dead. I never get a father's day or birthday card from him. Every few years I hear from him and that is when he wants money. I had helped him more than all the other fathers, believe me. He is a young man. He can work. I am his father and have two jobs. If I had that kind of money, I would pay off this house. Besides you don't have any children..." He stopped since he knew that was a very delicate subject and sore spot for her.
She with tears in her eyes babbled: "You don't call him either."
"That is true because he kept changing his address and phone number and never informs me of it. All I know is that he lives in New Mexico. Believe me I have tried to have a normal relationship with him but his mother has poisoned his mind against me so much that no matter what I do is useless. If I give the money, he takes it and disappears from my life again.
Conjuring up that conversation, she came to understanding that her husband was right. His son did not even know that his father was sick for the last six months. At the beginning she had thought that Joseph was so involved in his world that did not want to be bothered even by his own son or any conflict. Sometimes she even wondered about his two divorces. But she changed her mind when Joseph's father died a year and half ago. He was devastated. He had nightmares for a long time. After all his father was his best friend. His mother did not last long after her husband's death. She died six months later. Both of them were in their eighties when they died. Anna got to love them, too; even though she did not know them for long.
*
All else was overshadowed by Joseph's sickness. Anna, who loved to dream and let her imagination fly around and let her soul to leave her body for wondering and return again, sought that odyssey near the warmth of her husband. There was not even a delusive uncertainty left between annihilation and pity in her. To her, the magic of life, where all the roads hastily chased the shadows, was to program herself to go deep into the night, where she had been more scared all her life, and not being afraid anymore.
She had never cried in any one's presence; however, for the first time, she cried when telling Joseph her story. He remained close to the wetness of her cheeks, burning his, looking at the transparent of her skin beneath her tears. When her cloudy eyes cleared, moments of lucidity appeared. Had she known then that those tears compare to this last cry were bliss, she perhaps would prepare herself for this last cry. But how could she?


To be continued

Chapter Three______ THAT BREEZE!

Righteous of feeling unfold
In disillusioned night or mysterious day.
Supplicated growling of man in cold
Beneath the wild teeth of night turns gray.
And day follows the night.
Day is a train for the sensible night.
Mystic night joins dark day.
And my ears are the grave of secretive plight.
Veins harmoniously join the words of yesterday.
And day follows the night.
How can we prick our sun?
On each other's shoulder we've cried.
I say: "That breeze!" He says: "Gone!"
He says: "That flower!" I say: "Dried!"
And day follows the night.
*
Staying in wonderment through a desert of solitude, maturing in her dreams without nightmares, Anna'a prolonged silence had no memory. Nothing of past stirred her vitality; and future seemed vain and vague. Her father's promising words sounded unreal, and she knew the deception behind them. Her brother's consoling assurance did not bring her any comfort, for at such young age, she knew her father even better than her mother.
Anna cried for hours the day Aria was leaving. They spent the entire morning together and when the afternoon came and Aria was called to go to the airport, Anna burst into an uncontrollable sobbing as though she was losing her brother for ever. In fact, her cry was not for him but was for herself to lose the only mentor and defender she had.
"Don't worry my little sis. I make our father to keep his word."
"How? You won't be here. He just said that to calm us for now. I know this is a trap." Anna babbled.
Aria vehemently caressed her shoulder as she was clinging to him and then left. The sudden disappearance of her beloved brother aroused the last but not the least trace of self worth and dignity that was left in her. However, she mistook it with a sudden burst of submission. She felt as though there was not enough energy left in her to fight this battle.
In the bewilderment of her conscience, suddenly something struck her. Men like her father are known best for their words. They go out of their ways to carry on their promises even if it hurt them. She thought to herself: "When I graduate from high school, I remind him of his promise and leave him no choice but to keep his word." That reflection brought her a gloomy hope. In two years she could go to America. While exasperating, another brain work haunted her like a vision: "What if I finish school in one year? I had done two classes in one year before!"
Nonetheless, she was distressed by the apparent hate that filling her up, a repulsion that stemmed from the core of her entity. As she remembered her brother's comforting words to her before leaving, she understood that her father ought to have a plan for her; therefore, she needed a plan too for neutralizing her father's devilish scheme. The more she thought, the more she came to understanding that her plan had to be nothing, absolutely nothing. She just had to continue her normal routine so as not to raise any suspicion. Meanwhile she could take summer classes to achieve her plan for finishing school sooner.
*
On that Sunday when Anna and Joseph talked for fourteen hours, she suddenly felt that she was in love with him; even though she had told him earlier that she just wanted to be friend. Amazingly she was not bored during that fourteen hours conversation. She, who preferred silence over words, had always avoided long talk or chatting on the phone. But that Sunday everything felt different. She found her equal that day; a man, who knew a lot and could speak about any or many subjects. Where could she find this? A man who loved her and was intelligent, too.
They both decided not to wait and marry as soon as possible. To them, in their ages, there was no sense of waiting or dating. So they married. The first day of their joint life felt as though they lived together for years. When a month passed, it seemed that they were married forever. It was a connection without obligation, an understanding without restraint, and an empathy without frivolity. They inspired one another to be better and best. Together, they found all problems solvable. There was nothing to overshadow the ecstasy that they had established in the other's companionship. Soon, they were not only a married couple, but best friends. Anna was not ashamed to hide her life story anymore since she knew Joseph would not judge her. In return, he shared all his secrets with her, even the ones he had hidden from his parents.
At nights, while he was drawing her near his warmth, she finally let go of her shyness and self control. They enjoyed their closeness tremendously. But that was not the only thing they loved about each other. When he worked on his book, she would understand the state of compulsion that was driving him and leaving him no choice but to write. She was also writing again. All the suppressive thoughts that were flowing like a juicy orange, would appear as vehement poems. She loved to write. They were each other's body of life.
In the private of their home, where no one could enter through the iron bars of the back yard or the solid oak door of the front, they breathed inspiring and healthy air of their home that once had been only a shelter. There, at night, when the stars in the dark sky shone like diamonds, they sat in the gazebo which Joseph had designed it in his mind, and watched that beauty. Darkness to them was only a smoke that hanged suffocatingly over the red heat of the gravitating day.
Anna discovered in amazement that she did not need to see Melisa any more. In fact, she realized that she had not learned anything from her that she already did not know. However one most important issue that Melisa had instilled in her, and Anna came to understand and act upon it, was self worth and love; something she did not feel before. How could one be capable of loving if she did not love herself? For the first time in twenty two years, she began loving herself and realizing that she was a decent human being. In short, she was gratified by undecorated seriousness of life.
At nights, when they lay folded together, gazing into the transparent heart of the night, both understood their mortality's. Therefore, having reached the apex of their lives by doing more than what their bodies could take, they tried to let the juices flow. In three years of joint life, they accomplished more than ever. Joseph not only finished the book he was writing when he had met Anna, he wrote two more books; and Anna wrote all suppressed poems that were burning her inside and she had pushed them aside. When there was no depression left in her, her poems changed to the color of rainbow, as her life.
With Joseph's help and encouragement, she was able to publish some of her poems. Then she thought of publishing a book of poetry. He inspired her like nothing she had ever known, and while she was working very hard to achieve this great goal, an unexpected misfortune darkened their ecstasy. Her book of poetry stayed untouched after that.
*

To be continued

Chapter 2, (YEARS...,...STONE) ENDS

Joseph was hoping that she would invite him in after he delivered Anna's purse to her, but she did not. He drove home depressed and agonized. Was it his look, age, or bald head that made this strange woman not to show even a little interest? To think of it, he always had bad luck with women. Had he known Anna's past life, perhaps he would find a little hope in his resilient and persuasive mind. He was a man that never gave up. But how could he know about this woman that had captured him on the first sight. Even though, before leaving his house, he had planned to work on his book, he felt so heavy- hearted to do anything when he got home.
He, a successful, educated, self-made man, who had survived two disastrous divorces, felt a poisonous knot in his throat. This woman was different; somehow he knew it. she seemed and looked different. The aura around her made him to believe that she had suffered a lot just as he had. Suddenly he thought: "Why did she lie about her nationality?" But quickly he recalled that her Italian grandparents had told him about the time of the prejudice against Italian, when Italy and Germany were allies in the war. As a child he had witnessed many of those. It bothered him a lot because he loved his grandparents beyond measure. While his parents were busy to take care of their drug store, it was his Italian grandparents who had taken care of him, and introduced him to all those magnificent Italian food. They did not speak English at home. His grandmother refused to learn English; she did not have to. There were many Italian immigrants in Troy, New York, who ran all kind of stores. She never bought anything from anyone but Italians. Joseph, being the only child, had learned to entertain himself; however his best friends were their house cats. He grew up with all those cats and gradually became an absolute cat lover. He understood their language and they understood his.
Even though his mother and grandmother never got along, they both endured each other for the sake of his father and grandfather. After his grandfather's last heart attack, his father being their only son, asked his parents to move in with them. That move enabled his mother to help more at their drug store because she knew her in-laws would take care of her only son, Joseph.
Joseph always identified with his Italian side of family more than his British side. Carrying an Italian last name aroused questions throughout his school years. "Are you Italian?" First he would answer no and insist that he was born right there in Troy and that even his parents were from America. But gradually he began to believe he was Italian. When his first wife once asked him to change his name, he confidently said: "No, I am proud of my name. I am going to make it with this name." And he did. Even though right after graduating from Pharmacy College he was drafted to the army, which cost him some years of delay, he slowly continued his education and finally got his Ph.D. Nonetheless getting his Ph.D. cost his marriage. His wife could not stand his studying. She used to tell him: "You have your head in books all the times." But he had his eyes on one spot which was finishing his education and becoming a teacher and a writer.
His second marriage ended in a divorce after two years because Shanda could not stand his staying in the study and writing for hours. At the beginning marrying a professor and writer sounded exciting; however, later it was boring.
Joseph finally came to the conclusion to forget about marriage. nevertheless, he was a man that needed woman not only for closeness but for warmth and companionship. He did not like dating because it interfered with his writing; but not having a woman inconvenienced his writing, too.
*
After two weeks of continuous call of Joseph, Anna, at last, accepted his invitation. Going to a nice club and dance sounded exciting to her. Besides Melisa, her therapist, insisted on her accepting the date.
*
The beautiful, sunny bedroom was changed to a dreadful, horrible hole. In that dark abyss, they were joined till death by a bond that was more solid than love; a common prick of conscience. The suffering of these two people were for different reason; but even the clash of their reckoning, somehow in the middle, where the strength of the enlightened the powerlessness of the other, came together and became one, a similar and joint woe. They both wondered in fright how they had gotten to that abyss of desertion.
Furthermore, more than anything else, it was the exhaustion and endless weariness that brought both, in different condition, to the same state of mind, desperation, a pure hopelessness for a decision, an ultimate one to make. To comply with Joseph's wish, Anna began one of her first cry.

Chapter Two Continues (Years of...,Stone

However, humor and laughter were not a solution for Anna's dilemma, going to America. They had to convince their father for it; and that needed a plan, even if there were dishonesty and lie involved. What kind of plan two inexperienced, young people (compare to their father) could come up with which looked real, very real and assuring to the eyes of a stern, rigid, narrow-minded man, their father, whom no one had ever disagreed with? Aria needed to go back. He could not stay there and leave his education unfinished. He could not leave his sister in that situation either; for he knew the minute he left, they would find her another husband swiftly. She was too smart being tied to a tradition, just as their ancestors did, and to live a life among glasses, diamonds, and tea parties. She needed to get away, to become an independent individual, to educate herself, to explore, and to become somebody, not some body's wife or daughter,
A week before Aria's departure, as Anna was very depressed, he consoled his sister and told her: "I promise you will join me soon." Anna'a downcast eyes welled with tears and she said nothing.
That evening, Aria went to his father's study unannounced, which was rude and improper for a Shahzdeh's son. He wanted to catch his father off guard and not to give him a chance to plan a long speech for disagreeing with him. He just did not want to give the man of authority any choice. He opened the door without knocking, went inside and looked at his father, sitting behind his desk ,appeared studying the finance of the family through the scattered papers on his desk. His cigar was burning in the ashtray and it was obvious that he had forgotten about it. A shady light of dying sun was coming through the window behind his desk. He, perhaps, had forgotten to put the lights on, was straining his eyes intensely in that dim room to those papers on his desk. Aria turned the lights on; and if his entering the room did not awaken his father from his slumber, the sudden light did.
Shahzdeh raised his head and looked at Aria standing there, lingering from one foot to the other. "What do you want? I've told you never come to this room unannounced!"
"Dad, I must talk to you. It is about Anna."
"First, don't you ever call me dad. Haven't your mother taught you that I am either father or Shahzdeh; and second what about Anna? Haven't you two already done enough damage to my reputation?" Shahzdeh's voice was passing its prime.
"Father, please listen to me. We haven't done anything to damage your reputation. We just stopped an arranged marriage. She is only fifteen. How can you do this to her?"
"Your mother married me when she was only fourteen."
"That is past; now is now. things are not the same any more. Anna is smarter than me. She can be somebody. She can make you proud by being somebody not some one's wife."
"Stop the nonsense." His anger shook Aria.
"Father, please listen. She is smart, the best at her school. She can be a doctor, a nurse, anyone you can dream of. You can raise your head and be proud to have educated children. You can break this unbreakable chain of custom that is nothing but a prison for young people. Don't ruin her life. Let her come to America. I watch her. I care for her. We can be together there." Aria's voice was firm yet soft.
Even though Aria's argument sounded logical, Shahzdeh was not ready or willing to give in to his son. He could not change what he had been all his life.
"Sending you to America was mistake. I see what America has done to you. Now you want your sister to go there, too! The next thing will be boy friend, losing her virginity... never, never, over my dead body."
"Please don't be so adamant. What are you going to do with her?"
"Nothing, I already have someone in mind to marry her before she causes another shame for our family. This one that I have in mind is much younger so she can love him."
"Why don't you listen to me, dad. She doesn't want to marry. She wants to continue her education. She dies before she says I do." Aria did not care that he had called Shahzdeh dad. He just could not stand it anymore. He had promised his sister.
"All girls threat for killing themselves, but none has done it. I don't buy it."
"I'm telling you, if a tragedy happens, don't blame me for it. You'll be responsible for it. Of course you have high class friends and nobody is going to prosecute you. I know she'll take her life before marrying any man you choose for her." There was a derisive tone in his voice which his anger covered it.
Shahzdeh went to a deep thinking and after a while said: "I let her to go to college here. She can become a teacher. That is a good thing for a girl."
"Dad, what college. There is only one university in Tehran and so many million that want to get in. The chances are almost zero."
"If she is so smart, as you claim, she can pass the pre-examination to get in."
"I'm so sorry that you don't even know how smart your own daughter is. But let me tell you she is smart. But I am sure there are a lot smarter than her out there that don't have her opportunity, having a rich father. What if she will be accepted in a very far university from Tehran. Would you let her go then to an uncivilized city just to go to college? What are you going to do with all this money? Let her go. I take care of her. I promise." His voice was both supplicating and harsh; and for the first time Shahzdeh realized that his son was as adamant as he, except their point of view was very different.
"I think about it. Give me some time." He was melting beneath his son's piercing and fiery eyes. A man without son, to him, was like living a life without purpose. As much as he hated to see Aria that way, he was his son, the only son.
That evening in the living room, when he was served with his last cup of tea for the day, he did not say a word to Fatie, his wife, about the conversation he had had with Aria about Anna. To him, women were short-minded creatures that their jobs were to gives sons to their husband and live in crystal containers and being taken care of. They were nice ti look at or make love to, when the men had the desire.
Nevertheless, Fatie noticed a difference in her husband's demeanor. She did not bother to ask, for first she knew he would not tell her, and second she believed that only men were capable of solving problems. She thought that there were always something happening with the properties, or workers who were stealing things. When they said good night and each went to his and her bedroom, for they never slept in a same room, Shahzdeh walked all night in his bedroom pondering over what his son had told him. He conjured up all the details of conversation with his son. He remembered all his words, gestures, and everything else about that evening. He almost experienced the whole thing over again. As much as they had changed, they were perhaps able of doing something outrageous to disgrace him and his reputation. When the dawn glimmered the room, he finally smiled. He knew exactly what he would do. He would deceive both his children by promising that Anna would go to America to join her brother after she would graduate from high school. That plan would give him three years; and no one could know what would happen in three years. He thought about his sister's son, his next candidate for marrying Anna, a good looking young man, only twenty five, educated and wealthy. "Let's Anna and Fro socialize until Anna falls in love with him and changes her mind. Then I tell her, didn't you want to to America, and she says, oh, no, I changed my mind. I want to marry Fro."
Shahzdeh laughed at his own dishonest thought and solution and eased into bed. It was six in the morning.
*

To be continued