It began with a simple flu. Joseph refused to go to the doctor.
"I am a pharmacist; you're a nurse. I don't need doctor for a simple flu."
He was right. He knew the right medicine for flu; and Anna knew how to take care of a patient. However, his high fever was a great concern to Anna. When after two weeks not only his flu was not better but he felt worse and very weak. She finally convinced him to go to the doctor. Doctor's initial guess was a bad kind of virus.
"This is a bad bug." He said: " But I'm going to do some blood work anyway."
When the result of of the blood test returned, the doctor called himself: "I must see you immediately." More blood test were done, and after a week the shocking news was broken by Dr. T. "I must send you to a specialist."
"What is wrong?" Joseph, concerned, asked.
"Let's the new doctor talk to you about it. I see some irregularity in your blood. I hope I'm wrong but I'm not sure. This new doctor is a very good one and he keeps me informed."
The result of all the other tests and three doctors' opinion was atrocious. They believed that he had had an acute leukemia for a while. How long? They were not sure. It had been concealed; but now it was lighted like an unwanted guest; and it seemed there was not much hope for him. The cancer had been in his body for a while but the symptoms were just shown.
Anna's first response was anger and it came denial; but when finally she accepted the reality, it came sobbing and depression. But how could she help her husband and give him a false hope combined with bliss, if she, herself, needed all the help she could get? Her experience as a nurse was not any assistance for this new tragedy in her life. She, who had seen many hopeless cancer patients in her long years of being a nurse and had learned to be practical rather than emotional, had no clue how to deal with this catastrophe.
Visiting Melisa, her one time therapist and ever since friend, helped her to overcome the anxiety, or better yet, to hide her pain so Joseph would not double suffer, and she could help her husband. He needed her more than she needed him. He, who had not still gotten over the death of his parents; and his son didn't give a damn what was happening to his father, needed her more than ever both physically and emotionally. Against his wish, she quited her job at the hospital to be with him since she had given him promise that no matter what his health situation, he would always stay home until his last breath. She knew by experience and by what the doctors had told her that there was not much hope for him. They could go for chemo and and all the other treatments and delay the death; nevertheless, the inescapable death would come sooner or later. They both knew it. In fact, Joseph demanded that his doctors to tell him the truth. At age fifty seven, he felt he could handle his destiny. How could they hide such an important matter, one's life, from him?
"It's hard to say. May be between six months to a year."
His weakness and fear stopped him from going to work and when all his sick leaves were used, he retired. He, who had always boasted about his health, his physical condition, never missing his daily exercise, came to conclusion that no matter how one does all the right things, where his time comes, there would be no stop to it. That realization was like a wail of a wind that was calling many fierceness.
Anna was not only his wife, nurse, and confidant, but she became his secretary. She neatly typed his last manuscript. Their bed was covered with books that he used for research. However when he became weaker and excruciating pain invaded his body, his mind went blank and he could no longer dictate the final chapters of his books to his wife.
His agony first was more for not being able to finish his book than getting close to death. That anguish changed his personality. The soft spoken, kind, and intelligent man changed to a stern and harsh creature. Anna endured his rigor with her soft and gentle behavior. She left him no choice but to become himself again. Then it came a horrifying fear that conquered his entity. He, who believed his ancestors were Romans, was angry at himself for being scared. He did not know even one Roman who was afraid of death. They were brave and warlike and confronted death with dignity. Treatment was painful and a day came that he told Anna:
"I don't want to put my body through this torture. It's useless. They are trying to prolong my agony not saving my life. I won't go back for treatment again."
Even though she knew the vagueness of the treatment, she shuddered by that comment. She could not possibly make him to do things that he did not want to. She would die before dishonoring his wish. Cutting of from treatment was not the only thing that he demanded.
*
To be continued
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