Odyssey... 32- Growth

In profoundly realized but to some extent wavering, being vulnerable of self's standpoint, when the bane of discontented longings have swayed inwards, in that delirium of dubiety, when affliction follows quickly upon the early decision one has made, Hana perceives that the essence of enchanting life is not what she has spoken of. In fact, she learns a shocking actuality about herself in the process of growing and maturing in this new life of freedom and exploration that brings an indefinite message to her moody soul. Everything she has done and known changes in front of her very eyes, and she wonders if she has ever spoken the truth when lecturing morality, honesty, and decency. She does not even recognize this new woman, who is growing inside and taking over her soul and spirit. Who is this woman who wants everyday pleasure of life so badly that she sleep and wakes up with that thought? What happened to all those self- made philosophy that made her to believe that she has been brave and beyond reproach and all these transient happiness and joy?

As certain things begins for people at certain time of their lives, for her, many things are just starting. She, who lacks the normal growth of one's life, has not had a common circumstances in any period of her life. At age forty four now, she feels like a teenager, who desperately thinks about her first love or kiss. What she sees in herself not only frightens her but also bewilders her to the extent of discovering that human beings are very complex creatures.

The opera, to her, is the highest form of art, where a combination of music, operatic singing, stage design, choreography, and libretto, all together come onto the face of earth, and spell binds her and brings tears to her eyes to recognize the genius of people who create it simultaneously. She regrets that she has missed this ultimate form of art all her life. While concentrating intensely on this magical show and trying at the same time to read the subtitle, she does not even know that Mario is holding her hand throughout the entire show.

In the intermission, when they walk into the luxury lobby of Dallas opera, she, in an absolute bewilderment, watches the well dressed and groomed people while sipping her wine. She absorbs thirstily everything that is going on there as though she will never see those again. Reading the brochure about the performance, she wants to learn this new world all at once, as if she does not have enough time on earth to study them gradually.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~{/}~31- Prosperity

As Hana watches the obvious, slow change in her life, she feels her long life misery is dissipating; however, a gnawing pain finds a way inside her to remind her how much she misses Sam and wants him to be here with them and share this turning point in their lives. She wonders about Sam's life and safety in Military. Although she understands him very well, she can not help a knot forming in her throat. Sometimes she wishes she could fly out like an eagle, her favorite bird, and go where he is to watch over him or to see what he does. Perhaps if she sees Military life, besides what she knows from movies and what Sam has told her, she can not be only at ease but confident that his choice has been a sound one for him. However, knowing that Sam begins college in Spring, when he is transferred to Fort Dix, in New Jersey, gives her a gleam of hope that Military life can not be as harsh as she thinks it is.

The party is a success. In Hana's small apartment, all the guests feel at home very quickly. They all praise her for her excellent cooking when they taste the unfamiliar Persian food which become common to them right way. The Persian style of rice, fluffy, long grain, and non sticky with lots of saffron on it, and the stew filled with fresh, green vegetable, beef, and beans (gormeh sabzi), and Hana's famous chicken salad, and soup with crushed barley and wheat, first look alien to the guests, but when they taste them, they all go for second and third helping which makes Hana very happy.

After dinner when every one is full and Hana moves around to serve her guests her homemade dessert, Persian Baklava, filled with almond and pistachio, each guest secretly admires the great hospitality of this little Persian woman, who has become American Citizen and has adopted this country as her own. Mick, Valery's husband, now understands why his wife has chosen Hana as her best friend, for he can see the great quality of this woman. Mario, drowned in his thought, wishes that he could hug Hana in front of everybody and tells her that he loves her and wants to marry her. Sylvie is very happy that she has found a boyfriend in America that his family's values are equal to hers, and Valery is proud that the statement she has made to her husband in their honeymoon is proven without any quarrel.

When Sylvie serves coffee, Mario smiles as though he has done something unusual.

"What about some brandy in our coffees?"

Hana blushes. She knows that is their secret drink, as she had it first time with her dead uncle, Behroz, twenty five years ago under a very different circumstances.

"I am sorry, I don't have any brandy." She shyly says.

"I've brought some with me. It's in the car." Mario says with a sweet smile on his face.

"I've never had brandy with my coffee!" Mick says.

"Wait until you taste it." Mario says while leaving the apartment to get the brandy from his car.

Everyone is waiting to taste this new drink, while Hana feels that Mario, in his own way, without speaking his thoughts is telling her how much he misses her.

In Hana's opinion she has accomplished her goal by having a good party. She is pleased by her performance. As everyone is outside for the last minute conversation before saying goodbye, Mick carries John, Valery's son, who has fallen asleep on Farhad's bed, playing video game, to the car. They are the first to leave. Because Farhad wants to be with Sylvie as much as he can, this morning he went and picked her up and now he is taking her home, and they are the second to leave which gives Hana and Mario a chance to be alone until Farhad returns. As much as she wants to be with him, she does not dare to invite him back in the house. She is afraid of her strong desire to be with this man, an intoxicating longing that takes over everything she knows. She does not want Farhad to see Mario is still there when he returns home from taking Sylvie home, even though she is not sure when will he comes back.

Mario offers to come inside and help her to do the dishes. She has never heard that from any man!

"Oh, thanks. Tomorrow is Sunday. I clean up then."

Standing outside in front of the apartment, Mario can read her mind and understands her concern; however, no one has said that they can not stand there and talk. Mario pulls her close to himself and begins kissing her passionately. She is melting by the smell of his cigar and does not resist his kisses. Like two teenagers having love affairs clandestinely from their parents, they kiss and stay in each other's arms under the cold sky filled with shinning stars and big and round full moon which its mountains looks from earth like a different shape and animals. In his arms, she remembers the days of her teenage years when she lived in the closet- like room of their house, when father and Van were still alive. When at night she walked down the stairs so she could see the moon with all her imaginary animals and trees in it from the turn of the stairs where the neighbor's yard was seen from the window.

As Mario moves his hand gently down her back and waist and kisses her even more intensely, she reciprocates by moving her hand on his body. It is a simple wanting and need that they both yearn for. They draw back quickly when the light of a car brightens the parking lot. Even though it is not Farhad, as the chains of their longing are broken, they just stand in the cold and hold each other's hand. Then they walk up and down the parking lot. Mario removes his coat and drapes it around her shoulder.

"You must go now, Mario. Farhad will be back any minute." She despondently says.

"Oh, Hana, I want to be with you. I love you."

She trembles by hearing those words and automatically says:

"I love you, too, Mario."

"Have you been to opera?" His desperate need and love makes him to change the subject.

"No, why?"

"I'm going to opera tomorrow, La Traviata, by Verdi. I bought two tickets just in case. Do you like to go with me?"

"Oh, God, I love to. I've seen opera on television but I've never had a chance to go. I've always wanted to. This is so wonderful." She is truly happy.

"Well, this is your chance. I'm sure, the way I know you, you'll love it. It's two o'clock matinee. I pick you up at twelve."

"Oh, thank you. How do I dress?'

"People wear nice clothes to opera. Use your own judgement."

They hug and kiss again and Mario finally leaves.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~{}~31- Prosperity

Hana meets Sylvie that evening, for Farhad can not wait to show off his new girlfriend to his mom. The immediate rapport between the two women amazes Farhad. It seems as though they have known one another all along. She is a typical Italian Girl with a look which can be deceived for an Iranian. She has dark hair, dark brown eyes, olive color skin, and she is very reserve. She speaks English with no accent, Just like Hana's sons, since she has been in America since age ten. She has an older brother, who helps their parents in their family owned Italian restaurant, where she also helps them on her spare time. She is studying fine arts at SMU, one of the better university in Dallas. She is nothing like Karen. In fact, Hana finds out very quickly a deep feeling for this new addition to her family. She is an honest, motivated, family oriented, and beautiful girl that Hana wishes to claim her as a daughter she has never had.

A few days later, when Hana tells Farhad she intends to invite Valery and her husband for dinner Saturday night, not only Farhad does not frown, but also he thinks that will be a good idea.

"That is great, mom. Why don't you invite Mario, too?"

Hana is almost shocked. As she has made a quick connection with Sylvie, she has the impression that Farhad and Mario also get along just fine.

The Saturday comes. Sylvie offers to come early to help Hana with the work. Hana is delighted. She lets Sylvie do the cleaning while she tries to put together her master pieces in Persian cooking, as she has promised her guests. Farhad watches the two women, he loves them so much in a different way and is blissful by his choice and his mother's approval.

Mario, full of energy and joy, coming back from seeing his grandson and his daughter, is not very optimistic for his relationship with Hana. To him this confused woman, being through so much in her life, is like a breeze that changes direction any minute and is like water that one can not hold in his hand. Even though he understands her mood swing very well, he wishes that she can get over her depressed cultural and former life style, so they can be together forever. He even does not mind to marry her without a long courtship, as it is normally a custom in America. He knows and believes that Hana is the right and perfect woman for him, a woman of intellect, yet very feminine, a woman of dedication, honesty, and loyalty, yet defying; nevertheless, her strong cohering with her cultural background, somewhat scares him. When Hana calls to invite him for Saturday evening party, a gloomy hope enlightens his misty perspective of their relationship.

Valery brags to Mick, her husband, about her best friend, her different life style, and most of all her excellent cooking. She wants Mick to witness why she has chosen a foreign woman for friendship and as her mate of honor and to prove to him the immeasurable quality of Hana which he has doubted. "Look and action can sometimes be deceiving." She has argued over that remark on their honeymoon.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~31- Prosperity

Farhad's broken heart because of Karen's betrayal has stopped him of dating or having a new relationship; however, his recent secretive talking on the phone, when he closes the door of his room and talks for a long time, brings a light to Hana's heart. "He's getting over what Karen did to him and all of us. He must have a new girlfriend." Notwithstanding, Farhad hides this new relation from his mother for a while. Perhaps he feels guilty for his mother's stolen rings, they meant so much to her, or maybe he is so afraid that mom is going to lecture or advise him. But as all human must grow to maturity, some sooner than others, Farhad's turn has finally come, too. After a long time of not knowing what he wants, now at age almost twenty three, witnessing his brother's motivation and determination, he feels and knows that he must go back to school. But he needs help, his mother's help. He remembers the money he has blown away by enrolling and then dropping at college, the money his mother earned by hard work, sometimes even two jobs. How can he prove to his mom that this time he is serious and he is not going to act frivolously. What he does not know is that he does not need to prove anything to Hana. She will understand and she will support.

When Hana finds a pile of brochures about different colleges, Farhad has intentionally left them on the coffee table, she believes that her wishes have finally come through. At the dinner table that evening, she asks him about those brochures.

"Are you planning to go back to school?"

"Yes, mom, in Spring."

"Have you decided on major?" Hana asks in a way as though it is a done deal.

Farhad is surprised that she is not questioning his credibility.

"Yes, mom, Chemistry."

Oh, sweetheart, that is great. This is the best news I've heard in a long time."

"Mom, aren't you mad at me for all those fooling around and wasting money?"

"No, honey, I'm not. You're still very young. I trust you."

Farhad thinks now that his mother is also changed from a typical Iranian mother, who with intense love combined with extremity, nervous breakdown and crying, and hysterical insistence want their children do what they think is right for them, it is a good time to tell her about Silvana (Sylvie), the Italian girl he is dating for awhile.

"Mom, there is something else..."

Hana instinctively knows.

"Go on."

"I've met this Italian girl in a birthday party. Her name is Silvana." He stops. He is terrified of his mom's bringing up Karen's story.

"When am I going to see her?" Hana, calmly, says.

"Mom, you've changed. You don't lecture me. You're like a new person.

Hana introspects her feelings and realizes that her son is right.

"We all change, my son. Life is all about change. Growth and maturity come with change. In fact, I think it came to me, very late. I am almost forty four. I wish it did come to me sooner so I didn't have to put you, Sam and myself through all those miseries. You've changed, my son, too."

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 31- Prosperity

The sky today is blue with some light cloud layers far in horizon. At last the restless nature has come to peace with itself. The cold November suns tingles every cell of obstinate Hana, and she finally accepts her contented mood. Walking in the park across from her apartment with her heavy, wool sweater, it took her a whole year to finish knitting it, she breaths the cold, pleasant breeze. As a circle of fog comes out of her mouth, she wonders if it is the smoke of her cigarette or the vapor of her breathing the cold air and exhaling the steam. The last of tree leaves are falling on earth, as their stems can not hold them any longer. Walking on the dry, colorful leaves, she yearns to hear their breakage; however, the wet soil has moistened them and they do not break.

She recalls the fall in her home town, where she was born. The leaves always broke when she walked on them whether the earth was wet or not. Conjuring up the M. Street, where her beloved house was located, she remembers the apartment building which was supposed to replace that holy place which her precious grandfather had built and given to her mother. She recalls the days her parents sold that house which she did not know the reason for it at that time. Now she knows because of their growing family, they needed more space, a bigger house. They used the money from sale of that house as down payment for a bigger house in that dead end alley. How badly she wanted to buy that house back when she was a grown woman; but nothing went as she had planned. This park, somehow, reminds her of the cemetery which has enveloped her parents, Van in unknown grave, Saied, unknown grave to her, grandparents, and most definitely Behroz. She wonders if there is life after death, where bodies carry the souls and spirits of the people she loved so much.

It is Sunday, a day of rest, peace, and getting close to nature, as for some people is the day of praying in the churches, a man made building. She marvels why people have to pray or glorify their creator under a man- made roof they have built not under the sky their deity has sculptured. She has never felt close to her maker under a roof; nevertheless, out here, where she can breathe, observe, and watch the harmonious nature, whether cold or hot, rainy or sunny, she realizes that no man can compose such a beauty, when everything works together spontaneously, where no machines or computers can program an identical setting. She is contented for after a long vagrancy about her belief, she has finally chosen a path that her grandfather secretly believed (in the fear of the fanatic culture of Islam), nature.

Being born from a Muslim parents, she has never believed in that religion. As she tried church and Christianity by going to church with Valery, her friend, a handful of times, she could not accept that either, for all religions to her were originated from a same root. She does not need a Preacher or Molla (Muslim preacher) to tell her how to behave or act. That is the job of her conscience.

As she remembers the two blissful phone calls this morning, she knows that her feeling at that moment is a holy one for she is deeply happy for Valery and her new life and marriage, not envious; and for she is speechlessly blissful for Sam's arrival to his destination. She is confident as a mother, she has been a good one and has done a good job raising her sons, something she has always doubted before.That is why she worships the nature today, where she can be at ease and find a solution to all her confusion. Now she understands her beloved grandfather perfectly.

To Be Continued

Odyssey...{/} 30- Awakening

Three days before leaving, Sam accepts his brother's invitation to go out with a group of their friends which makes Hana very happy." He is at last doing something fun." She thinks. That night waiting for her sons' return, something terrible comes to her mind. "Am I going to see him again?" She hallucinates the worst scenario, breaking up of a war. The sick thought brings her to an uncontrollable outburst while she imagines even more terrible things. In a stage of breaking down for her own morbid vision, her thoughts unexpectedly turns to Mario. She realizes how much she misses him and needs to talk to him. Hesitantly she dials his number.

"Oh, Hana, it's you. I was dying to hear from you, but I wasn't going to break my promise to you

and call you. How is Sam? How are you?"

"Oh, I'm fine. Sam is changed. Sometimes I feel I can't recognize him anymore."

"We all do change but Military changes people even more. That is a different game, a different life. There, they are taught to take orders, obey, respect regulation, and have discipline."

Hana knows what Mario says is true. She has read many brochures about military life since her her son has joined.

"I know, they all sound wonderful, but somehow I want my old Sam back. Do you know up to two years ago every evening he used to put his head on my lap in front of television until he fell asleep? I miss that."

"I understand how you feel. When my daughter, Antonio, moved away with her husband, specially only after a year of my wife's death, I thought I would die without her, but I didn't. It was hard, very hard on me, but you know I am used to it now. By the way, she has a little boy now. They named her after me, Mario John. I am very pleased."

"Oh, Mario, that 's great; but I thought she is going to have a girl!"

"That is what they told me. But I guess her doctor made a mistake. He claims every time he did a sonogram, the baby's back was to the film."

"When did she have the baby?"

"Yesterday! I'm going there to see my grandson the day after tomorrow."

Hana sighs and yearns if she had a grand child, she would probably spoil her or him and love him so much.

"How long will you stay?"

"A week, but I was wondering if I can see you before I go. Have you told Sam about us?"

"No, Mario, I just can't, I don't know why! I guess we see each other after you come back. Sam has three more days left of his vacation. My vacation is over, too. I must go back to work tomorrow. I wish I could stay home and be with Sam."

"Don't worry sweetheart. He comes back again. Maybe even you get to go there and see him."

"I don't know Mario, I have these terrible feelings that I'm not going to see him again. I even have morbid vision..."

Mario Interrupts her:

"Are you day dreaming again? Why can't you have pleasant visions?"

Hana thinks to herself: "Why can't I?"

"I don't know." Then she hears a beep. "Mario, someone is calling me. I must go now. We talk when you come back from your trip."

As she hastily goes to the other line, she can not hear Mario's last words: "I love you, hang in there."

Wednesday comes much sooner than Hana can imagine, but something very strange happens before Sam leave. Monday after work, when Sam and Hana go to the mall to buy some necessary things for Sam to take with him, they see Karen, Farhad's old girlfriend, who stole from them. She is roaming along in the isles of the clothes in the store that they also are in the mall. Hana can not believe her eyes.

"Look Sam, that is Karen. I am going to go and talk to her!"

Sam looks at the direction his mother pointed.

"Yes, mom, it is her. Leave it alone. she will deny and upset you."

"No, Sam, I must confront her."

Hana runs to where Karen is and Sam follows his mother. Karen's back is to them. Hana put her hand on her shoulder. Karen turns back and mother and son both see the sudden twitching in her face.

"Karen, why did you steal our things? why did you do that after all good things we did for you?"

Karen takes control of her nervousness and changes quickly to a cold, unfeeling person, that she truly is.

"I don't know what you're talking about! Who are you? You are mistaking me with someone else."

Sam, who has predicated this when he told his mother not to confront her, is caught in a situation that leaves him no choice but to come to his mother's help.

"Listen b..., I'm going to call the police now. You betrayed our trust."

Karen looks at them with her cold, icy eyes.

"Go ahead, you have nothing against me. In fact, I'll call the police myself. You're harassing me."

"Listen karen, forget about everything, just give me my rings back. They were the only things I have left from my mother."

"Listen, lady, my name is not Karen. You're mistaking me with someone else. I can show you my driver license. I'm not who you're looking for."

Hana and Sam realize how this shameless girl maliciously lied to them from the beginning even about her identity. Both mother and son, individual from each other, come to conclusion that Karen preys on foreign people that have made America their home. Sam pulls her mother.

"Let's go mom."

Driving home, as Hana cries uncontrollably for being betrayed by a woman, her son's age, Sam calmly says:

"Mom, let's not say a word to Farhad about it. What is the sense?"

She understands her son's concern for his brother.

As the cold Wednesday in mid November comes, Hana's distressful feeling almost paralyses her. To Farhad's offer to take Sam to the bus Station, she says:

"No, Farhad, I take him myself."

Farhad is not sure if his mother capable of driving. He can see her breakage. She looks bent with red eyes and seems to him that she is smaller than ever. However he understands that he can not take this last minute being with Sam from his mother. On the other hand, Sam, who discerns his mother's state of breaking down, wonders if it has been a good idea for him to join the Army and put his adorable mom through this much pain. As the feeling of these three people in the small apartment float vigorously, Sam loads the car and offers to drive to the bus station. This is the least he can do to ease his mom's pain.

Going back to work from the bus station, she stops for a cup of coffee in drive through of a fast food place. Holding the coffee in her hand, she parks the car in the parking lot of an unknown place to her, starts a cigarette, and finally breaks into sobbing. In the mist of her hysterical breakdown, a sudden light strikes her. She recalls her three months hiding at the time of Revolution which put her mother in hospital. She realizes that all children, in order to find their identity, do things that drives their parents uneasy, as she did, and now Sam is doing it. She must let it be. The sudden light she sees, it is not a light from nature, but it is an awakening to accept the course of life, to acknowledge good and bad in life, and to accept what it is , it must be a solution to all whys.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~[]~30- Awakening

Sam comes home totally a new person, a new man which makes it uncomfortable for Hana, who raised him, and for Farhad, his brother, who shared room with him. Now they must change in order to accommodate with this new person they both love very much. Notwithstanding. their everlasting relation with this stranger, Farhad and Hana find out very quickly, must change even if it is temporary to give this newcomer the comfort of being home.

In his quiet and passive way, Sam talks about his future plan now that his basic and advanced training are over. In order for him to become a second lieutenant, he must serve for a couple of years which is not going to be in Texas. There is possibility that he would be transferred to Fort Dix in New Jersey; but for now nothing is clear. When the time comes that he will be stationed permanently, he plans to take some college course to help his advance in military. Regardless what Hana wants, Sam is adamant to do what he thinks is the best for him, to discover his identity, to belong, and to serve the country he has adopted. However he has enough sense to appreciate this woman, his mother, who has worked hard and endured miseries. According to what he has heard, since he was not even born yet, after the death of his grandfather, it was his mother's hard work that kept the family together. He can not understand why his older brother still lives at home and still is mom's little boy; but that thought would not stop him of loving Farhad and remembering all the good and bad times with him and all the mischievous things they have done together.

Hana recalls herself at Sam's age and remembers how much she was like him, except as a girl in a country like Iran, she could not do what she wanted; even though compare to other Iranian girls her age, she accomplished a lot and saved her family after the death of her father; and picked a career that she always wanted, teaching. She admires Sam but that does not stop her of the vehement feeling to hold him tight and have him nap on her lap as he did for so long. She is with him, yet she misses him terribly. All she can do for him is to please him by unreal behavior, to cook him the food he loves and to create a peaceful environment. As she spend most of her time in the kitchen or drives to the grocery store to buy more things that really are not needed, she conjures up movies about military life, whom all soldiers are standing in a line for their share of food which does not look indulging.

"Mom, you fuss too much for food. Why don't you relax for a minute?" Sam does not like to see his mother works that hard.

"You don't get to eat home cooking meal anymore. I've heard the army food is terrible."

"I haven't come home for food, mom. Just take it easy." He means what he says; but when the dinner is over, he always says:

"Thanks mom. That was great." Then when Hana is cleaning the table, he says:

"Can I have some more of the food."

Hana is so pleased. He objects his mom's hard work and cooking, and yet he indulges the food she cooks in a way as though he has not eaten for a long time.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~30- Awakening

Farhad has never seen his mother in bed this late. He wonders about his mother's date with Mario last night; but since he gave her the permission to go on a date, he must stop his rising curiosity to ask her about it. After all, she never asks him about the particular of his dates. Ironically he is certain that last night has been more than a simple date for his mother. She is acting differently. Did his mother make love last night? That thought paralyses him. He can not imagine such thing for mom. As his wisdom rules to accept the fact that mom is a human being like him and she must enjoy her life and since love making is one of the sensual pleasure for every creature, she can have it, too; his heart overrules it. "Oh, not for her." Nevertheless, he knows every girl he has dated, if sex did not happen on the first date, it most definitely happened on the second one. He calls himself hypocrite; nonetheless, he can not help the growing dread of imagining his mom in bed with a man.

"Mom, what happened last night?" He finally asks.

"Oh, we went to a restaurant. That's all."

"You came home very late. Eating doesn't take that long!" He hates himself for not being able to control his curiosity.

Hana feels that her son is interrogating her. She is not going to tell him.

"After restaurant, he just drove."

"You mean you were in the car all that time?!"

"Yes, we were talking. We went by the White Rock Lake, too." She is not sure why she said that.

"What were you talking about for so long?"

"Oh, Farhad, what is the matter with you? I don't remember all the details. We talked mostly about life. I talked about Behroz."

Farhad nods his head. In spite of being ashamed of his questioning, he knows he can not help it. He realizes as much as he feels sorry for his mom for what she has been through which he witnessed most of them, and wants her to have a gentle, kind, and considerable man, he does not want anyone to touch her. Sometimes he thinks if he had money, he would put mom in a beautiful and valuable glass container so no outside harshness can harm her. Then he would provide the best of everything for her and take care of her and worship this adorable woman, the way he knows the best, which he needs to learn it. But how can he object the inevitable essence every human needs from his mom? He recalls his rejection for Valery's friendship with his mom, but when he finally accepted her as his mom's friend, it was not bad after all. Can his mom take away his simplest need, having a friend, from him? Knowing how unreasonable he is when it comes to mom, he finally comes to the realization of his possessiveness and the way he wants to control her, as his inhuman dad did. The thought shivers him. "Oh, God, I don't want to be like my dad. He was an evil man."

Sam comes home the next day, taller, more handsome; and in his quiet way, more communicative. He has changed tremendously not only in appearance but also in his behavior. Before he joined Army, everyone used to tell Hana that her younger son had a baby face. Those people can not by any means say that about him anymore. Sam has passed that stage. He does not have a baby face but a face of a suffered man who carries the demeanor of a soldier. The young man is not going to accept the old treatment from his mother or brother; and Hana knows it and feels it. He demands respect; and Farhad complies with it.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 30- Awakening

They say Texas weather is like a blink of an eye, and isn't it the truth? While Valery was lucky enough to marry in a pleasant seventy degree two days ago, now a bone chilling cold, as the weather man says from somewhere in North, fills Dallas. For the first time Hana sees snow flurries in Dallas. She recalls that Mario was telling her that the weather would change last night. Overcome by the bliss, she pulls the comforter all the way to her face until only her eyes are visible. As much as she loves four seasons to act upon their names, "FOUR SEASONS" and what nature has intended them to be, the sudden freezing weather shivers her to a degree that even in her bed she feels like she is chilled to her inner self. She forces herself to get up and go to the living room where the thermostat is and put the heat on; however, she immediately returns to bed, where the cold surface of mattress awaits her. She does not know why her nature for enduring cold has changed. Is it because she had lost sensibility for different seasons, as she has lived in Dallas for last eleven years, or is it because of her age, as she had read somewhere that older people endurance for cold is less than younger ones?

Age has always been a big issue for people no matter where they are from. The American perspective of age, as many other things, is so different than the country she was born that really makes her wonder why people who all are all people think and feel so differently. An Iranian child is repeatedly bombarded by the statement that his or her parents are old. As the child grows, he perceives that the cutting point between youth and maturity for women is around forty and for men is around fifty. Whereas in America there is not such a thing. Americans never admit that they are old. At age sixty some begins a new life, a new family, go to school; and all is because they think they are young.

As she has adopted American culture slowly, this one issue perplexes her greatly. At age forty three, most of the time she feels old, as the women in Iran do; however, sometimes like this morning, she believes that she is young. Ironically, one thing bewilders her, if she is young, why she is shivering of cold? These type of things might be non issue for many; but to her are discoveries about herself. She remembers the cold, snowy winters of Tehran, when the snow gave her life, the freeze gave her warmth, and the steam coming out of her mouth animated her and gave her energy. She was more active, more creative, and nothing could stop her of getting out in the snow and touching that great, white carpet, nature's beautiful exhibition. Back then, as her bed was set next to the window, she breathed the frozen air while the flurries came inside through the open window on her bed and covered her face and her hair. Of course she could not do this if Hamid was home and next to her; but since most of the time he was God knows where, she enjoyed opening the window on snowy nights. In the morning her frozen comforter seemed like a piece of wood. She recalls how much she loved to fold areas of the frozen bedding to hear the breakage of ice in its texture. Was that great endurance for cold because of her youth? Is that was so, she must be old now, very old, since she can not bear the cold any longer. As she tosses in her bed, thinking about old days, and feeling her freezing body can not take the cold anymore, she yearns Mario. "Oh, I wish he was here to warm me to a degree of burning."

When Farhad opens the door of her bedroom and comes in, She is conjuring up the night before when for the first time she knew that she was desirous.

"Mom, aren't you going to work? It's eight o'clock."

The unpleasant interruption moves all her sensible nerves.

"I'm on vacation this week. Sam is coming home tomorrow."

"You didn't tell me about it, how come?"

"I don't know. I must have forgotten because of Valery's wedding."

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {}{29- Earth, Universe

They walk by the lake holding hands in silence while Hana enjoys the smell of his cigar. Before going back inside, they stop to watch how moon and stars breaking constantly in the water by the cold breeze that travels on the surface of the lake. As she is astonished by the beauty of the nature and an unknown satisfaction, Mario holds her as tight as he can, and finally their lips meet. The strange sensation exorbitantly weakens her to a degree of almost falling. He holds her even tighter while kissing her so deep as though he has never kissed before. She can taste the cigar odor in her mouth. She doesn't know how to resist this strong desire that has taken away from her all her life.

In the car, while Mario is driving her home, she thinks about his manly gentleness, impassioned tenderness, and fervid caresses. She does not have any regret for what they have done, but she has a disgusted anger for what has been deprived from her all her life. In her country, women are told that the intimacy are only for men and women must obey their husband no matter what they do to them. The word pleasure does not exist for women. Hana can say for certainty that at her age, she has had a pleasure of intimacy with a man for the first time. As she thinks, while Mario is driving, she remembers that she particularly enjoyed the massage, when he skillfully kneaded her body with his strong hands to soften all her tight muscles. She thinks how could he know of her aching and overworking body that gave her such a treatment, when all the tension of her shyness and everlasting pain gradually eased away? And how could he by any means recognized when to stop the stroking of her body's sore feeling and began those passionate and endearing caresses?

In the silence of the car, where the only sound is their heavy breathing and the sound of engine, Mario conjures up the genuine bliss he has felt that no one has ever given him after his wife's death. He thinks of this honest and serious woman, who is in such need of love in her reserved way; nevertheless, he has one regret that frightens him tremendously. He knows this kind of personalities well enough as has learned by his extensive traveling overseas, whether for business or pleasure, to identify their paranoid characters. If Hana begins feeling guilty for their intimacy, she will never want to see him again. He is certain of that. His only chance, he thinks, is Hana's unbelievable and unusual intelligence. That natural brilliance she possesses, may enable her to overcome the obsolete belief of a culture and custom that woven a web around her which does not work in America.

When the twenty minutes drive from Mario's home to Hana's ends in one hour, since Mario unconsciously was driving the opposite direction to her home, it is time to end this night by saying good bye, or see you again, or a kiss.

"Well, this is it." Mario says despondently.

Hana, as though is awaken up by a harsh sound of an alarm clock, trembles.

"I must go in now."

"We see each other again, right?" Mario murmurs.

"I don't know."

This is what Mario was afraid of.

"Do you have any regret?" He asks.

"No, I'm not sure."

"Did you enjoy yourself?" Mario tries to make her admit of the pleasure he is certain of.

"Yes, I did!"

Now he is hopeful.

"So we see each other again."

"Sam is coming home on Tuesday. I don't know how he is going to feel about us. Let me call you when I see our situation is okay with him."

Mario not only understands that remark, he thinks it is a wise one.

"I agree with you. I don't call you. You call me and let me know."

"All right."

Hana feels once again his manly and passionate kiss and smells the aroma of his cigar before getting out of the car.

As she eases into her bedroom in the dark apartment, she thinks that for one night she has been earth and Mario has been universe; as in her belief women are Earth and men are Universe, and neither earth nor universe can exist without each other. Sitting on her bed, as old days, in the pale light of her room, she writes:

"In the obscure room, the ecstasy numbs.

My every existing cell shivers and becomes

Overflown with a special thrill and desire.

A passage of sunlight sets me in fire.

~

It is his touch that makes me glow.

His passionate kisses caresses me like rainbow.

Should I have only one second to live,

It must be in his bosom, so I can give."

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~/~29- Earth, Universe

As they end the conversation at the breakfast table and each goes their separate ways, Farhad waits for Mario's phone call, as he and Mario planed it yesterday, and Hana dreams while making a grocery list to go to the market. Sam is coming home in two days and she intends to give him the best of a mother's cooking. In the market, as usual she buys more than what she has in her list.

Around eleven in the morning, Hana is putting the grocery away when the phone rings. Farhad hastily says:

"I get it mom."

Hana feels that perhaps her son expects a phone call. Sam also calls on Sunday morning. while she is about to leave the room, Farhad says:

"It is for you, mom."

"Who is it?" Hana thinks it should be Sam.

"Mario!' Farhad says with a smile on his face.

"Oh, no!" She is frustrated that Mario is not giving up since she knows that a friendship or relationship with Mario is impossible for her first because of the way she is brought up and second because of her children.

"Com on, mom, it is all right."

She blushes which can not be hidden from her son's eyes. She goes to the phone reluctantly. Mario, in his persistent way tries to convince her for seeing each other that evening. She, all confused, listens to him while she is feeling her son's piercing eyes on her.

"What does he want, mom?"

She puts her hand on the mouth piece of the phone.

"He wants to see me this evening."

"Say yes." Farhad says.

Hana feels how much her son has changed from a son to more like a friend. His words gives her a courage she never had.

"All right, Mario, six o'clock."

However, she is still not sure if her son's apparent change is a trap or real, or if he wants to test her so he can criticize her later.

When Mario shows up at six o'clock, Farhad invites him inside, and she notices the immediate rapport between them. She is happy. Her sons have never had a man figure in their lives. If Mario becomes a friend of family, he could be a good role model for her sons. Nonetheless, in the car, she does not know if this move is a right one. When Mario asks her what she like to do, she has to ask him to repeat his question.

"I don't know. I shouldn't do this. I am very upset."

"Why? What is it?" Mario asks.

She is depressed and remembers her sister's letter. As she starts talking about her uncle, slowly relaxation contents her; and she vehemently tells Mario about Behroz. He listens without interrupting her. He understands her desperate need for a friend. After driving for awhile, when she has discharged all her emotional outburst completely, Mario stops the car in front of an Italian restaurant.

"This is one of my favorite Italian restaurant in Dallas. I thought we eat here and then go to a movie. I don't need reservation because they all know me and on Sundays they are not very crowded. If you don't like it, we don't have to go."

Hana nods her head.

"I like Italian food."

In the restaurant, before their meals are served, she indulges the delicious Italian bread while sipping her wine. As the wine slowly relaxes her nerve, and the tasty bread with focaccia to dip in, fills her up, she does not try anymore to escape Mario's fervid eyes and his stretching hands for holding hers.

In fact, when they are walking to the car, after the wonderful and original Italian food they had, she not only does not resist Mario's hand holding hers, she enjoys it, too.

"What movie do you like to see?"

His tone of voice awakens her from a sweet dream.

"It's late. I better get back home."

"Oh, God, it's only eight o'clock."

"I have to go to work tomorrow." Hana continues with her resistance which is actually is not. She is torn between staying with him or going home.

"I don't know. I don't feel like going to a movie." She finally says.

"How about going to my house. We can have coffee and brandy by the lake."

She remembers the reflection of moon and stars in that man- made lake.

"But it is cold."

"Okay, I take you home then."

She realizes that her resistance which really is not, making him to give up on her.

"All right, let's go to your home; but only for a little while."

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~29- Earth, Universe

The Reminder of Her Sister's Letter:

"I've never felt that lying to you was a good idea, but everybody else thought otherwise. They all said what is the sense of telling you what really happened to Uncle Behroz. You know I had to go along with it. Grandma specially made us swear that we never tell you the truth. She said that you'd already had a miserable life with that evil husband of yours. You know I had to go along with it. I don't think lying to you, specially they way grandma insisted, was in a malicious way but it was for a good reason, since we all knew how close you and Behroz were to each other. The family didn't want to hurt you as they all knew that you had enough hurt and misery of your own. Now after so many years, after passing of grandma, and because I knew you'd never believed the car accident story ( we should have made another believable story like cancer), as I've read in your letters constantly, 'Tell me the truth', I feel It is time to write to you and put an end to your long ambiguity for his death. Behroz committed suicide. He was found one morning on his bed dead. He didn't leave any note or words behind. He took his life with arsenic."

Hana can not read anymore. Her hysterical sobbing fills the room. To her, Behroz did not die seven years ago but right now. She has never healed from the scar his death caused her; nevertheless, that old wound begins bleeding as though she is injured at this precise moment. Behroz, her lovable, intelligent uncle, her best friend, the one who introduced her to deep thinking and reading, poetry and writing, and a person that she trusted more than life itself, is dead. He did not die seven years ago, but right now when finally all these long obscurities come to clarity. He preferred to end his life rather than living in an environment that was not conducive for a genius like him.

Hana spends another insomniac night in her room, but this time is not for her own wretchedness but it is for Behroz. She ponders to put herself in his place in the moment he acted on his final decision. While tossing in bed, getting up, smoking, and walking in her apartment, not only she finally knows and understands, she also realizes that she would have done the same if she did not have any children. As well as she knows Behroz, she is certain in that moment, he had felt an extreme sense of hopelessness and helplessness which turned to an exaggerated, yet hidden courage against himself while thinking nothing in life had been what he wanted to be. He had swallowed that bitter poison either because he did not have the skills for enduring the life anymore or he was tired for enduring life as long as he had.

At breakfast, Farhad notices his mother's swelling and red eyes.

"What is it, mom? Have you been crying?"

Hana is not sure if her son will understand her painful mourning for her dead uncle, who died seven years ago; nonetheless, she must answer him.

"I had this letter from Mina!" She stops. Tears flow again.

To her surprise when she tells her son the reason for her sorrow, he not only understand but he empathizes with her as well. As young as he was when they lived in Iran, he never knew the depth of his mother's closeness to Behroz; nonetheless, he has learned by his own observation how precious a real friend can be. He knows when a friendship begins at childhood, it is always more meaningful. After Hana is calm or appears to be, Farhad, who has waited since yesterday to know about an issue, asks her:

"What is your relation with Mario?"

Hana, as though something hits her on head, becomes disoriented while thinking: "How does he know?" Then she recalls Mario and Farhad's talking with each other. While trying to hide her nervousness, she says:

"Oh, he is Valery's cousin. I met him in Valery's birthday once."

"No, mom, you met him twice. It is all right. You can tell me."

"What do you want me to tell you? I don't have any relation with him. Why are you asking?"

"I think he is very much interested in you. I find him very intelligent."

She is very surprised of her son's discernment while she is not sure if that statement is true or is a trap to make her talk.

"Yes, he has told me. He wants us to be friend, but I don't!"

"Why not mom? You need a friend. You were just talking about uncle Behroz. He was your friend more than he was your uncle. Now that Valery is married, perhaps you'll see less of her. I don't see anything wrong with that!"

She does not believe what she hears. she recalls their conversations over a month ago, when Farhad's resistance for her to have a female friend cost them some weeks of hostility. He has finally come to understand that his mother is a human being, too; and besides taking care of his brother and him, she also needs to have a life.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 29- Earth, Universe

In every one's life comes a day of perceiving that everything up to that day has not been what appeared to be. The conflicting discord, as disharmony that nature imposes upon trees when changing season, paralyzes all they are needed for enduring a life before it brings to light a new solution or purpose. The temporary immobilization, however, obscures the ambiance to a degree that for some is unbearable while for others is just another task of life needs to be tackled. Why do some people commit suicide? Isn't because they have gotten to a point that their pasts seems indistinct and their rationality for present is affected by their intolerable feelings; therefore, the future light seems like a misty vagueness? Or is it because of the extreme helplessness one feels inside which turns to an intense and subliminal anger against oneself and leaves them no choice but to eliminate himself?

Hana has never believed the cause of Behroz's death was an accident. The letter she finds in the mail box Saturday evening after coming back from Valery's wedding finally clears that long cloudiness. Mina, her younger sister, begins her letter with normal reports of their lives in Iran and how bad things are. Sara, their other sister, is completely cured from epilepsy according to the doctors. Their children are wonderful and smart. Mina describes her eight years old daughter, whom Hana has never seen, a little Hana. Mina says in her letter that Mino, her daughter, not only looks and acts like Hana, but she is also as smart as her aunt, too.

A nostalgic introspection surrounds Hana and she regrets of not being there to see her nieces and nephews grow and perhaps she fills the empty place of her mother, their grandmother, for them; so they can feel the love of a grandma, as her sons did, only in their aunt, Hana. She is overwhelmingly blissful to learn of Sara's complete recovery of the long disease, epilepsy, for she has blamed herself all these years for it. Even though Sara has never answered any of Hana's letter because of her husband's dislike for her, she has never stopped thinking about her and loving her.

Mina's letter is long which is unusual. She feels there must be more than all these wonderful news in the letter. "Mina never writes me long letters." As she continues reading, every nerve in her body twitches and a chill enters her bones. Grandma is dead at age seventy eight. She, who outlived her husband, Hana's sacred grandpa, for fifteen years, her daughter, Gol, and her second son, Nabi, according to Mina, had suffered tremendously because of Behroz, her last child's unfortunate death. Hana stops reading. There are still two pages left in Mina'a letter and somehow Hana knows that the remaining of this letter will tell her the real cause of Behroz's death, as she has never believed even for a second that the car accident had cost him his life. She starts a cigarette and makes herself comfortable by sitting on her bed; and then continues reading. The bag of her forest green, velvet dress are thrown on the floor like a piece of dirty clothes.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {}28- A Friend's Wedding

Driving to the church, Hana conjures up the conversation she had with her son. "Did he really mean I am beautiful?!" She thinks back to explore if she has heard those words before. Despondently she perceives, never. In fact, not only she has never heard those heavenly words, she remembers that Hamid always called her ugly woman. In the parking lot of the church, before getting out of the car, she looks at herself in the rear view mirror to measure once more the degree of her ugliness. Amazingly she like what she sees.

In a small room that Valery and Hana are occupying, there is a full length mirror and a dresser with a smaller mirror. There is also a closet for hanging clothes. Valery is excited and nervous. She should be. This is a greatest day of her life. Hana thinks she should not do any of her paranoid affliction in order not to ruin her friend's blissful moment. Nevertheless, she is not sure if she can act so skillfully that her friend will not suspect her mental bitterness. To avoid such thing, she must stay busy, get involved, and work. When Valery is ready with her help, she looks astonishingly beautiful. The wedding gown and the veil compliment her beautiful face with soft make up. She is wearing her hair up in a French twist with two strands hanging free over her ears. The drop pearl earrings are the only jewelry she is wearing. The high neck gown, covered with beaded lace makes her to look like a princess. The top part of the gown up to the chest area and sleeves are see through, beaded lace. The rest of the dress is lined with white, heavy satin. The dress is floor length without any train, the way Valery wanted for her small wedding. Hana stands there and looks at Valery for awhile. She is finally pleased with the job she has done on the gown and veil. Valery rains kisses upon Hana.

"Thank you, I love you. You've done a great job. Now I'm going to fix you up."

"First, don't mess up your make up and hair; and second what do you mean by fixing me up?" Hana, puzzled asks.

"I'm going to do you hair and make up."

"Oh, no, no, I don't wear make up."

"Come on Hana; it is my wedding. You must."

When Valery is done with Hana, none of them can believe what they see. Hana in her forest green, velvet, long gown looks startling. Her hair is braided in back with a bouquet of flower at the left side of her hair which praises her remarkable make up. They are supposed to stay in that room until everyone is seated and ceremony is about to begin. The only person who comes and goes as he wishes is John, Valery's son. One of Valery's sister takes care of him while the newly wed are in their honeymoon.

Hana begins shaking when she is called to leave the room and walk to the alter, where everyone impatiently awaits the bride in the company of her father to walk like a princess, and where all the eyes of standing people are fixed upon her. Today Valery is queen, like all brides are on the they of their wedding.

In the hallway, Hana sees Mario waiting for her. Her knee trembles by looking at this man, whom she had profound and hidden feeling for. He looks incredible in his black tuxedo, white shirt, white bow tie, and forest green, velvet cummerbund to match Hana's dress. In fact she made that cummerbund only by measurement from left over fabric of her dress. As they walk to enter the chapel, where all the guests are, Mario squeezes her arm.

"Oh, God, you're beautiful."

She perspires by a sudden shyness.

"By the way, I met your son. He is a very fine young man."

Standing across from each other, Hana searches in the crowd for her son and when she sees him, she sighs deeply.

After the ceremony, when everyone is gathered in the reception hall to have cake and punch, and take pictures with the newly weds, Hana feels to run away to the dressing room and change to her street clothes in order to avoid those inquisitive eyes, but can she? She notices that Mario is talking to Farhad and she wishes she could hear them. When the wedding is finally over, she changes to her normal clothes and before leaving, Mario gets hold of her. In fact, he has been waiting for an opportunity to have a moment with her alone.

"Hana, I want to see you again. Please don't say no."

Hana looks around to see if her son is gone which can not be hidden from Mario's eyes.

"Your son has already left. I want an answer."

"I don't know Mario. Don't put pressure on me. I am torn between what I want and what I shouldn't do."

"Why you shouldn't do what you want. It doesn't make any sense. We live only once, and that one time is very short."

"I don't want to upset my sons."

"They understand. They want your happiness."

Hana recalls her argument with Farhad and says:

"No, Mario, they don't. I've always been their mom."

"No one is going to take away that from them. You'll be their mom for ever; but you must have a life, too."

"Please, Mario, you're putting too much pressure on me."

"I'm sorry Hana. You're right. Can we just talk on the phone?"

"All right!"

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~/~28- A Friend's Wedding

Farhad, at the same time, introspects that how much this little woman , his mother, who worked and did everything in a hurry all the times, yet had enough time to take care of him and his brother. He can not resist the rumbling of his heart anymore. While Hana is still in her dream world, he walks to her calmly and embraces this delicate woman. Their tears mix up and in the mist of that touching moment, Hana can not hear him say: "Mom, I'm sorry."

Valery tries the wedding gown and the veil in Hana's apartment for the last time. She rains Hana with warm kisses.

"I love it, I love it. I love you Hana." Her exciting scream brings Farhad to Hana's bedroom and for the first time he smiles at Valery.

"You look beautiful Valery. I am so happy for you."

The chains are broken and Farhad finally comes to accept his mother's friend. That night Valery tells Hana that Mario is the best man. She has kept that secret from her being afraid that Hana would refuse to be her mate of honor. It is only five days before the wedding and Hana's forest green, velvet dress is in its final process of finishing. Hana is hurt but understands her friend's secrecy. There is nothing can be done. She does not want to ruin Valery's wedding. So she is going to see Mario again. After that meaningful Saturday night at his house, she has promised herself not to get involved with any man or fall in love again. Now, not only she is going to walk down the isle arm and arm with him, she will also smell the sweet aroma of his cigar. She can not resist to ask a question which she wants to know the answer badly:

"Does Mario know that I am the mate of honor?"

"Of course!'

"Did you all plan this?" Hana looks straight in Valery's eyes.

"No, the truth is that Mario and Mick have been friends for a long time. In fact, I met Mick for the first time in Mario's home. I knew I was going to pick you and when Mick said he wanted Mario to be his best man, I though that would be a good idea to put you two together again."

Farhad finally accepts Valery's invitation which Makes Hana very happy. She is hopeful that Sam will go to the wedding, too, for he is supposed to be home for his time off before the wedding. But when he tells her on the phone that he can not make it and there is a couple of days delay in his coming home, Hana becomes suspicious that her son wants to be left alone and he does not care to attend the wedding.

The wedding day comes. Hana is not sure if her strong friendship with Valery will continue as it is now after Valery becomes a married woman. She has noticed that married couple normally seek friendship among other married friends. What has connected the two women up to today, has been their loneliness and similarities of their experiences with abusive men in their past lives. Being very depressed, she hates to see a probable end to their friendship. Perhaps this is the last thing she will do for Valery, to be in her wedding, and to act normal. She feels that there is no place in the world for single or widowed women like her. In her paranoid mind, she sees herself is being withered while no one left to ease her pain. She looks at herself in a mirror and sees an image of an old, languished woman, whose skin has lost all its moist, and it covers her body like a bumpy road. How did she get there, to that abyss of abandonment?

As a mate of honor, one of her job is to be at church earlier to help Valery for her preparation. It is going to be a small wedding. The only attendants are Mario and Hana and there are only forty of invited people are actually coming. While leaving home, Farhad asks her:

"Why aren't you dressed, mom?"

"I am going to dress at the church. I hate to be in that dress for so long!"

"But it's so beautiful, mom."

"I know, sweet hear, but it isn't comfortable; and besides I must help Valery to get dressed and I don't know what else I need to do before the ceremony begins."

"Are you going to fix your hair?"

She looks surprisingly at her son.

"You've never asked me these kind of questions before. I don't think I'll do anything with my hair."

"Why not? I've never seen you to fix up your hair or do make up!"

"I know, I've never had the occasion."

"Well, today is your chance to be beautiful."

She suddenly remembers her withered reflection in the mirror earlier.

"Do I look that bad?"

"Oh, God, no mom. You're beautiful. It's just most women wear make up and take care of themselves, but you don't."

Hana hugs her beloved son affectionately and says:

"I must go now. I see you at the church."

"What time do you want me there?"

"Well the ceremony begins at two o'clock. What about one thirty!"

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~28- A Friend's Wedding

As hesitant as Hana is to except Valery's offer to be her mate of honor, for she can not see herself walking down the isle where all the inquisitive eyes staring at her and perhaps talk amongst themselves that who is this foreign women that Valery has chosen instead of one of her sisters, she can not possibly say no to her friend since she learns in American custom of wedding that position is only offered to the closest person to the bride. Hana knows of Valery's sisters and while most brides choose their one of their sisters for that position, Valery has chosen her. She is grateful, frightened, and rapturous.

~{~

A deadly silence fills the ambiance that dark Sunday night. Mother and son, each in their own ways, avoid each other. In their quite times, living under one roof, and being so far away seems very unreal to both of them. While Farhad is irritated for his peace being disrupted because of Valery's wedding, Hana kindly and secretly takes care of him by first avoiding him and second preparing the food he likes. However, they do not eat together. Hana usually eats left overs from the night before as soon she comes home from work or college. Then he cooks a fresh meal for her son. In their solitude and avoidance, Farhad every night watches televising in the living room, while Hana, in her bedroom, works on Valery's gown. Sometimes Valery calls her and wants her to go shopping with her. If that is the case, Hana without directly talking to Farhad, repeats to Valery her reason for going out.

Hana finds a card one evening in the kitchen when she comes home. She looks at the card, recognizes Farhad's hand writing, examines it, and reads her son's words to her on the envelope, "Mom". While trembling of a doubtful uncertainty, she is more hopeful that the content of the card is words of making up than continuation of breakage. Ironically even the feeling of optimism does not help her twitching. She sits on the floor of the kitchen, looking at the envelop, wondering what the content of the envelop might be. An unexpected wave of nostalgia haunts her and she realizes how much she has missed everything, everybody, her home land, her sisters, and the only brother she has left, and above all her sons. When finally she opens the card, she breaks into a cry.

"Mom, please don't eat dinner. I'm taking you out. Love, Farhad"

It is a simple card with no sophisticated words on it, yet it says a lot, it shows plenty, and it touches her to an extent of feeling guilty for ignoring her son for the last two weeks. Suddenly she recalls her grandpa's words and once more she believes in that consecrated man's wisdom. However that blissful reminiscence of her grandfather reminds her that if she had acted upon grandpa's profound discernment about life, she did not have to live a miserable life for doing the right thing. A delusion overshadows this ecstasy and she suffers for her share of causing their wretched lives. From the beginning f her marriage to Hamid, she listened, obeyed, bought his bluffs, and allowed him to do what he did. At last, she comes to realization where she went wrong. By doing nothing, she had thought her right doing would overwhelm Hamid's wrong doing. Grandpa never told her about the psychopaths.

When that evening Farhad comes home with one stem of yellow rose, her favorite color, mother and son, like two strangers, look at each other. None of them volunteers to speak first. She looks at this handsome young man and tries to remember him as a baby; but what comes to her mind is her busy life of finishing school and working at the same time. However she can recall the times her mother rained his soft, small body with baby powder after bathing him. How much she loved the smell of that baby powder on her son's pink skin!

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 28- A Friend's Wedding

Hana is overwhelmingly blissful to hear Sam is coming home soon. He is about to finish his advanced training and before he is sent to his unit, which is unknown at this time to Hana, he can spend ten days with his family. The field he has chosen is infantry. As a privet first class, he needs to serve for a year or two before becoming the second lieutenant. For the first time, when Hana speaks to him on the phone, she feels he is happy. She thinks as disappointed as she was when he chose to join the army, after all it was not a bad decision. If that choice makes him happy, it is good enough for Hana.

Hana is extra busy with another joyous task these days. A week later after her argument with Farhad, Valery breaks and unexpected news:

"I'm getting married."

Hana is astounded. How can it be? How secretive! Valery apologizes her friend for hiding this new man in her life. She says:

"I was tired of people judging me for not being able to hold on a relationship. I met Mick three years ago and we dated for awhile. Then he had to move to Washington for a position that paid well. I was very disappointed. He was the first man that didn't want to use me. He continued calling me and came to Dallas to see me every few months; but I acted very aloof towards him. I was hurt and felt rejected. He offered repeatedly that I move to DC to be with him and I refused. When one day he called me, about six months ago, and said he was in Dallas because he could not stand to be far from me, I couldn't believe it. Luckily the company he works for has opened a branch in Dallas, and he asked for transferring and they agreed. The same day he came to my home and asked me to marry him." Valery stops at this point while Hana can see a glow in her eyes.

"Then what happened?"

"You can imagine how scared I was first; but the more I saw him the more I knew he was the one for me. I said yes to him three weeks ago. We don't want to wait a long time. We are getting married the first week of November."

Valery is very pleased when Hana offers to sew her wedding gown. As the three weeks is not much time for taking care of all the chores for a wedding, Hana begins by making a pattern for the style she designs for Valery. Every afternoon or evening when she comes home from work or college, she works on this pleasant task, making a wedding gown for her only friend. She refuses any money from Valery either for the material or the work.

"This is my gift to you."

Somehow Hana feels that Valery is like her sister or even her daughter and she is doing all these for her own blood. In return, Valery includes Hana in every aspect of the preparation as though she is her older sister or even her mother. After all, she has lost her mother many years earlier, and does not have a very good relationship with her sister. Hana find Mick, Valery's fiancee a right man for her. When Valery asks her opinion about him, she says:

"He is very gentle. He loves your son, John. You two are perfect for each other.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {~}27- Grandpa's Nature

When Hana growing up, she saw so much of her adored grandpa. In fact, she loved him so much that she spent more time in her grandparents' than her home except the school time. That was how her friendship with Behroz, her uncle, who was only three years older than her, began. As Gol, her mom, learned kindness from her father, Nabi, her uncle, learned love for land from him, Behroz and Hana learned the love and admiration for literature and poetry from that devoted man. When Behroz and Hana were at the age that they could read books, he asked them to read him the magical contents of poetry books to him. By listening only one time, he was able to memorize them all. He was a walking knowledge of all those books himself. Later on Hana believed that she inherited the love for chanting poetry and writing from her grandpa. Behroz also believed he owed his great knowledge of literature to his father. As a teenager, Behroz was Hana's best friend and grandpa was her confidant, one who could answer all her questions about life and satisfy all her curiosities. She loved to stay at her grandparents' home overnight on holidays and weekends. While reading books and discussing different issues with Behroz in the evenings, she used the day time to go to grandpa's garden, where he was taking care of his trees and flowers and anything that grow from earth. There, she would start by asking grandpa if he needed help, and then slowly she would bombard him with her questions. As big as their family was, there was always something going on, and she used the current situations to ask his opinion.

His ideas of right and wrong were simple; nonetheless, there was so much wisdom in it that not only Hana remembered them, she also acted upon them. However, as a teenager one thing always confused her and she brought that issue to grandpa's attention one day:

"Grandpa, you've always said if we do the right thing, we'll be the ultimate winner in life. What if that day of winning never comes? What if you get hurt because of doing the right thing?"

He smiled and put his arm around her shoulder and kissed her on forehead and then said:

"Sweetheart, we people always want instant gratification. We want to see the result of our right doing quickly. If everybody was honest, it could happen, but this is not the case. Life is a series of good and bad and we're bound to endure the bad and enjoy the good. But remember good always prevails. It may take time, but it will happen. Look at these trees, see how tall and healthy they are. Look at their fruits. They are not only enough for all of us, I give a lot of them to neighbors and friends. Do you think these trees were like this from beginning?"

Hana, bewildered, was not sure what grandpa meant.

"I don't know why you're talking about trees!"

"Patience is what I'm going to teach you today. The day I planted these trees, you weren't even born. If I wanted immediate satisfaction, I would go crazy to see the very slow process of the growing, but I didn't. I was enjoying the progress of their growing; and I knew one day they would be tall, healthy, and full of fruits, whether I would be around or not."

Hana suddenly understood what grandpa meant.

"But what if something happened to you and you never saw them grow."

"That is possible, too. I'll die one day, but these trees will live with or without me because they all have good foundation. The important fact is that I enjoyed very much watching my trees and taking care of them. Whether I see the result or not is irrelevant; and remember death is inevitable. We die, as our ancestors did. Even these trees can't live forever. Our lives is like a second compare to the life of universe. What we leave behind is as important as the path we choose, for it is the path that matters not the destination."

Hana looked at her beloved grandpa, as he was pulling weeds, and learned the best lesson anyone had ever taught her. She adored this man, who used every anger of nature or society to learn or to teach. While she was about to go inside to explore the different part of her soul and mind with her uncle, Behroz, grandpa would always say:

"What about reading me some SHAHNAMEH."

"Yes, grandpa. I love to read you. Let me go get the book."

When grandpa's health began to deteriorate, everyone blamed it on his spending too much time outside. The family thought the dampness in winter was dangerous to his health, as he was a man of nature, and sky was his roof; and he did not care of being wet either by watering his garden or rain or snow. Family tried to make him spend more time inside, where they had a central heater in their newly built modern house for winter and a sophisticated air conditioner for hot summer days; but that was like putting him in prison. His excruciating coughing was heard from a far distance while he smoked one cigarette after the other. To take away what he worshipped seemed like a crime to him. Everyone assumed he had bronchitis or asthma and they began treating him with home remedies. It was Nabi, his son, who confronted his mother and said:

"Mother, dad is sick. I am taking him to a doctor."

Grandma, actually wanted him to go to see a doctor, it was grandpa himself that thought home remedy could cure his dry and painful coughing.

Six months later, grandpa was the permanent occupant of his bed, fighting a vain battle with lung cancer. Hana, who was married and had children at the time, visited him everyday and watched how that sacred man was melting away. The treatment and even a journey to London, England, to visit the best specialist, did not do any good; and as the lung cleared of those deadly cells, first his neck and then his brain were filled with the disease. The injection of morphine eased the pain temporary, but when its effect subsides, he twisted in pain and wished for a quick death. Hana felt it was better they would let him die, for all the doctors had said he would. She was very angry at her family, the ones that were in charge, whom were trying to delay the inevitable death. She hated to see him suffer so much. Seven months after the initial diagnosis, grandpa died. As all women screamed and pulled their hair, the customary mourning, Hana went to his garden to be with him for the last time. She walked amongst his trees, shrubs, and flowers and brought back the memory of grandpa in the garden with her; the reading of the poetry books, asking his advice, and his love for her and hers for him. Six months after grandpa's death, the revolution began. Hana was extremely happy that he had died before revolution. As well as she knew him, she was certain that if he was alive. he could not get along with those shameless people who stole people's revolution, and he would be arrested and executed rather than dying by natural cause.

Dallas-

Thinking of grandpa gives Hana a special kind of light, a gloomy hope that she can handle this crisis as many others; and the best way to resolve her problem with Farhad is to ignore him. She remembers her grandpa's description of right and wrong, and how right always prevails with enough patience. She suddenly realizes that she has not done anything wrong and Farhad will come around and accept the new situation if she is patient enough. However she regrets for one time that she did not listen to her grandpa, marrying Hamid.

To Be continued

Odyssey... ~{}~27- Grandpa's Nature

The slim man with bony cheeks and big nose had the warmest and kindest eyes that Hana had ever seen, His very short hair was all white like a soft layer of snow on the dead winter grass. As a matter of fact his hair had always been white, or at least that was how Hana remembered. He loved his garden, trees, and flowers, His love for nature always amused Hana. He hated family disputes and as big as his family was, there was always one going on insides the walls; therefore, he chose the outside, under the roof of sky, in any season or weather, to be close to a nature that its argument was snow or rain, sunshine or cloud. He watched closely how the trees came to life, began budding, leaves appeared, and gradually became bigger and greener, and how they slowly changed colors and fell on the earth, and how the weather changed from pleasant to warm, cold, or icy. It was his connection with nature that made him a spiritual man not his belief in religion. In fact, he was not religious at all which was strange for his time. He was illiterate, yet so much in love with literature. His knowledge of poetry was so great that he knew books of poetry by heart. As he walked in his garden and cherished nature's exhibition, he murmured verses of those books he knew by heart. He chanted poems of his own which no one ever wrote them down.

For his time, he was financially well off. At younger age, before marrying his wife, he had bought a piece of land with his share of family inheritance. He had immediately begun planting trees, flowers, and vegetables and built a house to bring his young bride home. He had farmed in the most part of that land; and the crop was produced from his land had had the best quality. Soon, not only he was able to support his family but to buy more lands. His long hours of working was not for accumulating more lands or money but it was for his pure love for earth; nonetheless, when his first two children were still very young, he had become a very rich man. Money never changed him; in fact, he was as humble as when he did not have any. The community respected him so much that everyone consulted him for any kind of problems or joyous events like weddings. He replaced Molas (Muslim priests) for many and became their confidant.

His third child, a boy, was born thirteen years after the second child, another boy. It just happened that way, as in his time, no one knew the use of any methods to prevent unwanted pregnancy. Two years after the birth of his last child, his first one, Gol, got married. He was very much against that since his sixteen years old daughter was still a child in his mind but not in the mind of the society in that era. But for those days any age later than that for a girl to marry, was an absolute disgrace for her parents. Gol's marriage was like a warning to him. He hated to see her go, after all, gol was the one always read him from all those books especially SHAHNAMEH, ( THE BOOK OF KINGS) by Ferdousie. Her leaving home caused his withdrawal; and as he walked in his lands and talked to nature, he made his ultimate decision in his life. By the time, Hana, his first grand child was born, he very much knew his future plan. He decided to give everything he had to his three children. He bought a piece of land close to where he lived and built a house in it for Gol and her family which was growing fast. By doing that he could have his daughter close by. He was a man of walking and feeling. To him, getting in a bus and sitting there for half an hour to go to his daughter's house , who at the time was living with her in- laws, was the greatest pain. he turned the title of the house to Gol and her husband, Davoud, blissfully and helped them to move from Tehran to Shemiran ( a suburb of Tehran). In a few years, when his second child, Nabi, was old enough, he gave him his share and saved some for his youngest child, Behroz.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~27- Grandpa's Nature

Hana is happy that she is not going to work. She has never used her sick days anyway. Now she has a day off on Monday without being bothered by problems of facing Farhad after their last night fight.

Opening the windows, she tries to air her apartment. She needs to breathe the fresh air not the artificial one. As she still carries an illusion of her nightmare combined with a warm feeling of an unexpected deviation, she roams with her pajamas on in the rooms thinking about what will she do with Farhad. She is terrified to give in to her son's unreasonable and uncommon way of life for her. The day of lifting all the mystifying unclarity has come to her. To give up this new her seems unfair and inhumane; nevertheless, to ignore Farhad's demand frightens her of losing him. Consequently, she comes to believe that with all the unusual and daring things she has done in her life, she is and has been a timid person who lets close people around her use her. Now that the reckoning day of her life has arrived, and her hesitation has ended, she must solve this major problem. How can she open this twisted knot? How can she ignore this part of her, Farhad, whom she loves so much? While in her thoughts, she gradually softens and feels if she did not have freedom and friends before, she can live without them now, an exasperated anguish fills her and she breaks into a hysterical cry.

When two nights ago she was with Mario, for the first time she felt young and vivid. It was a new experience that felt good. When they stood by the lake, in silence, she explored intensely that new gratification. She liked the respect Mario had for her and she for him. She did not want that night to end while their minds were occupied by that mutual understanding. Now, today, she is miserable. She has missed work, and she does not know how to face her son in the afternoon. Exhaustion is what she senses the most.

When she finally stops walking in her small apartment, she makes herself comfortable in her favorite place on the sofa with her ashtray and cup of coffee and decides to write a poem. In past, writing has always relaxed her and has taken her away from problems. She writes:

"Tears and laughter tire me.

And people who cry or laugh to be free.

And everything which may happen as surprise.

And men who plant or get up at sunrise.

I am weary of hours, days, and abyss.

And all the scattered buds never see the bliss.

I am tired of ambition, power and charm.

And everything else but sleeping without alarm.

When I exhale, my breath becomes a dark cloud.

It stands like an adamant wall, forgets the crowd.

Should one's breath be what mine is,

Do I need friends for any ease?"

~

Searching for an answer to this new problem, Hana travels to past to ask a man of wisdom, a man whose words had always been the ultimate enlightenment not only for his family but for the entire community, a man of insight and solution. That sacred man never passed any judgment as other did; and treated people with respect and equality; for he worshipped the life and living things like humans, animals, plants, trees, and everything else that needed growth and nurturing. Hana conjures up those days to be with that man, talk to him, feel him, and love him once again, for he was a living God on earth for her.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 27- Grandpa's Nature

The island is filled with flowers, so many different kinds. The ocean and sky are intermingled like a lustrous diamond and their graces blend together uncommonly. Hana sees the enchanted transformation of that jewel unveiled. Walking at the seashore in an exalted detachment, an old music resounds inside her ears, and she murmurs that forgotten song. As she walks bare footed on the soft sands, an adored breeze tingles her skin and blows her hair. she breathes the freshest air and lets freedom raises her skirt, blows her hair, and sinks into her skin. The waves are piled upon each other and as they smoothly run to the bank, she sees behind the last wave in far horizon a ship. Curious and astonished, she looks intensely to identify the ship or ignore her blurry vision. As waves moves up and down and forward, she sees more of the ship. "It's perhaps a sailing boat." She thinks. The seabirds come to the shore and she takes a big piece of bread out of her pocket, and as she cuts the bread into small pieces and throws them into the air so the birds can catch them playfully, she hears the sound of a horn. Consequently, for a minute she has forgotten about the ship; however, the horn reminds her of something out there. As the sun rises, where the sky and ocean are intermixed, she looks towards the spot where she has last seen the ship; but the fresh, newly born rays of sun pierce her eyes through and she turns her face away. Something inside warns her to stay away from the ship. She runs to the opposite direction of the shore, where she finds a big rock and hides behind it while every few minutes peeking. She hears many sounds. In ambiguity, she can not recognize any words or languages, but soon the voices become clear. Mostly she hears Persian speaking people. They all are calling her. She hears her name, Hana, Hana... It is her mother. She leaves her hidden place to join her mother, but what she sees is a huge sailing boat on the sand off the water. She thinks how the boat can get there, and then : "Perhaps they carried it out there." The boat is like a big square box with hundreds of windows and black roof. The sails are at the top of the roof and they move like colorful flags of Iran and America. The box is not a boat anymore but a house and she sees behind each window two bloody hands which are reaching for her. Then she sees eyes, all red and bloody. They all look alike and she can not know who they are. However, in a strange twist, day becomes night and so many bright lights makes the house like a ball of fire. A loud music is played inside and many doors open and people leave the house. They all walk in a line and each bows to Hana when passes her. First in line is Hamid, all wrapped like an Egyptian Mummy. Then is her father, who limps and ignores her. Mother looks fat and ugly like a gypsy. Van walks straight but there is a hole in his torso; and Saeid is all bloody and surrounded by fog and does not look at her. When they all pass her, she sees Mario, who is tied to a tree and Farhad is standing next to him with a shotgun. Then in the back ground the words of the song becomes clear to her: "Betrayal, betrayal, morbid, morbid."

The rays of the fall morning sun brightens her room. She, sitting on her bed, shakes from head to toe and is wet all over of an unwanted sweat from her horrifying nightmare. She rubs her eyes as though she can erase her vision of what she has seen; and when slowly she stops trembling, she realizes that it is ten in the morning. She is three hours late to work. Staggering to the living room, she notices that Farhad's bedroom door is open and he has gone to work. Not knowing what to do since she has never missed a day of work, considering her new job; she goes to phone to call her work. She still does not know what to say when the operator answers.

"Ruth, it is me, Hana. I'm very sick. I want to come to work but headache is killing me."

"Don't worry about it. Just stay home and rest. I tell Bob that you're sick."

To Be Continued

Odyssey...}{} 26- Agony

"Hana, I really like you. I want to help you but I don't know how."

Hana adores her American friend. Somehow she identifies her with Mina, her younger sister, who she has not seen for over ten years.

"You've helped me a lot. Don't underestimate yourself. Your kindness has cured many of my wounds. Just be yourself and be my friend, Valery." Hana'a soothing words are like a cool breeze in a summer day of Texas.

When they go home, Hana finds Farhad in his room, lying in bed. Valery senses Farhad's rude distance and does not stay. Feeling a little better after being with her friends for couple of hours, she does not know whether to talk to her son or not. Ironically, she decides to let things take their normal course. She thinks if she ignores Farhad rather than insists on talking to him, she will not put herself in a vulnerable position. As hard as it is for her to do so, she does not go to his room begging him to talk to her or calling him for dinner.

Farhad hears her mother roaming around the rooms and waits and waits. He is almost in a shock. "Why isn't she coming to my room? What is the matter with her?" And he blames Valery again and again for taking his mother away from him. Around eleven o'clock, when he sees the light of the living room goes off from underneath of his door, he impetuously gets up from bed and rushes out of his bedroom. Hana is still in the kitchen when she notices her son's rushing there. Her heart pounds as though is about to stop.

"Mom, I want to talk to you."

"I was waiting for that!" Hana tries to act calm.

"What is the matter with you? You're not acting like a mother anymore."

Hana sits on the stole by the bar and starts a cigarette.

"How mothers do act, son?"

"You've changed. You ignore me, you..." he stops. He does not know what else to say to this calm woman who used to get upset in similar situation.

"Sweet heart, we all change. Life is a process of changing for all human beings. You've changed, too. And you you will change as you grow older. No one can stay the same forever. Our experiences change us."

"Don't talk to me like a teacher! I don't like you this way. You're scaring me."

"Son, I don't blame you. For a long time you've seen me without any changes, now that I'm trying to have a life, too, it scares you. What I was before was not healthy. Listen, I am a human being like you and besides I'm not doing anything wrong."

"You're ignoring me. You're not the same."

"Farhad, you keep repeating yourself. You're not a child anymore. You're a twenty three years old man. I can't treat you like a child; and even if I do, you wouldn't like it. You're my son and I love you to death, but that doesn't mean that I have to treat you like a baby. Even if I want to, you won't allow it."

Farhad thinks about what his mother says; and even though he knows deep down that she is right, he protests it:

"I know since you and Valery have become friends, you've changed. She did that to you. I don't like her."

She looks at her son, who desperately blames the world for his vague reasons.

"Listen Farhad, every human being needs friend. This simple need was taken from me by your father. He was a jealous, suspicious, and possessive man, who used me and didn't let me to breathe. Things are different now. I feel lonely. I need a friend. My family are in Iran and half of them are dead. What do I supposed to do? Just go to work and wither to my bones until I die!" She is about to lose her control.

On the other hand, Farhad, who was pampered by his grandmother in Iran and by Hana here all his life, thinks as his grandmother was taken from him by death, he is about to lose his mother, too.

"You don't cook as often as you did before. If you have a day off, you want to be with Valery. She is just a whore. I hate her. Because of her you came home late last night. You've never done this before. It's all her fault."

Exasperated Hana gets up from the stole and walks to the living room. She can not believe that her son calls her friend a whore. She feels that there is no energy left in her neither to fight this battle nor withstand this part of her. She can not resist the pain to see her son becoming like his father. She conjures up the torture and agony of her marriage to Hamid for so long, when the simplest need of human being was taken away from her, when she could not even write her feelings in papers, as though talking to a friend in fear of Hamid finding them. If she gives in to unreasonable demand of her son, not only she will face a continuous misery for the rest of her life, she also, without speaking, agrees with him; and he eventually will become a hateful person like his father.

"I just can not believe that you call my friend a whore. This is not acceptable. When it is in your benefit, you're an American, and when it's not, you're a mean Iranian. It's all right for you to have friends, come home late, and bring a girl friend to our home to live with us which we know what happened; but it's not all right for me. Young men, your age, are supporting themselves and have a life. I don't know how long more you want to depend on me and make my life and yours miserable. All you do is going to work, if you feel like it, and come home and lie down in bed. You never help me financially. I think you're capable of cooking a dinner if I work hard once in a while. Tell me who are you, an Iranian, or American? And don't try to be manipulative."

Farhad looks at this impetuous woman and somehow he does not recognized her anymore.

"I'm an Iranian who lives in America." He stammers.

"Just hold on right there. An Iranian man never brings a girl friends to his parents' home. If you're still an Iranian, which I don't believe it, you're not allowed to bring girls here anymore. Is that clear?"

"This is my home, too. I can do anything I want."

"Wrong dear! This is my home. I pay the rent and as long as you live with me, you must obey my rules. you want to make my life miserable and I refuse to take it. I've had enough misery. You became an American Citizen. I didn't force you for it. Act like one."

"A lot of people become American Citizen, but doesn't mean to change identity." He tries to disarm his mother.

"I don't want you to change identity. I want you to act like a human being. You can have the best of the two cultures, not the ones that suit you. That is arrogant and selfish. You're becoming more like..." She stops. Her anger causes her to lose control.

"Why don't you finish your sentence. I'm like my father! Is that what you've wanted to say? You drove him crazy and caused him to die. You never were a mother when grandma was raising me. Where were you? Your stupid political actions caused her to..."

Mother and son are shocked by things they say to each other. Hana is so hurt by what her son just told her that she breaks into tears and while sobbing, she says:

'I can't... tolerate this... anymore." And she goes to her room.

There, she throws herself on the bed and cries for hours until the gloomy dawn glimmers the room, and then she falls asleep.

To Be Continued