Odyssey ... 10- Monster

Dallas-

In the dark room, Hamid, Flustered and drunk, knocks over a chair, goes straight to the wall, and finally finds the bathroom. He cheerfully vomits all the poison out of his system. There is much relief in doing that, since it is his habit every middle of the night. He washes his face and looks in the mirror to a face that has changed during years from an innocent young looking man to a monster. He actually enjoys his new look. Suddenly he feels the presence of something or somebody in the bathroom. He does not believe in spirit or ghost, but this feeling or the existence of something there is the closest he has come to that feeling. Looking around, he does not see anything. " I drank too much tonight." He says that aloud to himself. However, he senses strongly that something is sharing the bathroom with him. He is baffled. He uses the towel to wipe the mirror clean; and what he sees is a shadow made of smoke or mist that forms up on the mirror again. It does not have any particular shape or size. Rubbing his eyes, he thinks what ever he sees in the mirror is the reflection of his own monstrous face. But the mist moves and all of a sudden speaks, too. He hears a soft woman's voice, which sounds just like Hana but when she was much younger. He shivers of fear.

"You drink too much every night." The invisible woman says.

He, confused and appalled, trembles of a sudden horror and decides to leave the bathroom. He can not open the door. He feels a sensation of a burning hand on his arm as though the image or the spirit is trying to stop him from leaving there. His joy which normally transforms to anger and back to unsteady happiness disappears. He sits on the commode. The soft voice, once more, is heard. But as the voice picks up its intonation, it becomes capricious and more distinguish:

"I feel my bitterness against you. I should cast a dark shadow over your fake happiness. I should freeze and darken your heart with resentful chiding and traumatize it with my hidden and secret grief; and provoke it to beat nervously and out of control at this moment of your false bliss."

Hamid, aghast, feels a sort of anxiety that is new to him. Baffled, he washes his face again and looks in the mirror intensely in the search of the unwanted and unknown ghost in that little space; but this time, he sees nothing in the mirror. Flustered, he puts his hand on the door knob and surprisingly the door opens. Happy to get out of that inauspicious place, he storms out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. Hana pretends that she is asleep. He turns on the light and takes his clothes out and throws himself on the bed. That harsh movement shakes the bed, but Hana does not move; even though that has been Hamid's intention to wake her up. her ignorance to his violent action brings him a gnawing pain for which he finds no cure but more abuse to his wife. Kicking her back with his foot, he screams:

"You're not sleep. Stop pretending."

Her heartbeat increases and she feels as though a big knot made of so many poisonous snakes wrapping around each other, filling her throat. Feeling the distasteful venom of her unfortunate life in every organ of her body, she gasps for air to release the monstrous suffocation that is about to end her life. With both hands she pushes the heavy comforter away from her chest and then sits on the edge of the bed. Hamid, who has never turned off the light, looks at her through the haze of his drunk eyes and kicks her again in the back. The act causes her to fall and she begins a hysterical cry. Meanwhile he moves to the other side of the bed, bends and pulls her hair fiercely, so he can see his face.

What do you want from me? You're drunk..." She babbles.

"You know what I want, you stupid, ugly woman."

Hana's struggle to release herself from the hand of this blood thirsty evil causes more viciousness. After his barbaric, vengeful beating and other unbecoming violence, Hana, almost unconscious, wishes to die.

When he is finally done with all his extreme, tempestuous, and coercive assault, he goes to the bathroom. The ghost he saw in the bathroom is still in his mind. He finds, Farhad, their older son, behind their bedroom door. He has heard everything. He rushes to the bedroom and finds his mother half naked and unwitting. She has blood all over her. Screaming with tears in his eyes, Farhad runs to the bathroom and opens the door.

"You crazy man, you killed my mother."

Hamid, now very calm and sitting on the commode, smiles:

"She is okay. Don't worry; And it is not your damn business." His voice slowly tempers to a violent one.

Farhad hysterically throws his fist in the air:

"I hate you. I wish you die."

Tehran-

To Be Continued

Odyssey... *}*{ 9- Illusion

{}

Hamid, the only boy in a family of a mother, father, and three sisters, was raised to become a hateful person, especially when women were involved. His father, a high class, sophisticated, and successful man in his career, he was the Minister of Road, was an alcoholic. For that weakness, his wife had taken control of everything. The first of each month, he cashed his paycheck and gave all the money to his wife. He did not want to be bothered with anything. His drinking normally began when he was done with that day's work. He never drank at work; and that habit never caused him any trouble at work. He was not a blustery alcoholic but a nonchalant one. On the other hand, Hamid's mother, a woman from a very poor family who had never seen luxury or comfort in her parents', now being in command, abused the money her husband gave her for household and children expenses, for her selfish need which were mostly buying jewelry. She, who had worked in the farm from dawn to dusk to help her sick father, and had always had calluses in her hands because of the hard work, now had maid, money, and control. She treated her daughter and son in a different way. Occasionally she bought clothes and other necessary things for her daughters; but rarely for her son. Mostly Hamid wore his father's old clothes, and when his sisters got married, his brother- in laws' hand me down shirts and pants served him well. There was never a pocket money or allowance for him. His mother never cared for his school or well being. If he was sick, the old medicines in the cabinets were all he got. He learned to take care of himself at early age by stealing money from his parents. He hated his mother and thought if one's mother is like his; then all women are evils. Around age twelve, he began coming home late, got involved with other boys who all did terrible things; and had his first sex with a mother of one of his friends. His mother was completely ignorant and his father thought his wife was taking care of things. Around the same time, he discovered accidentally his father's liquor in the basement. He made a copy of the key and kept it. He brought his friends there secretly, and they all got drunk.

Hamid's older sister after seven years of marriage and three children got a divorce. Since their mother did not allow her to return home, which was a customary thing in Iranian culture, and she did not have any skills to work, she became a prostitute and gradually a drug addict. She got arrested many times; nonetheless, when she was released, she went back to her old habits. Should she have a chance, she would lie to family members and borrowed money that she never returned.

The second daughter, a year and half younger than Hamid, had had many nervous breakdowns. In a party, she met a military officer, and soon they got married. Her smart husband found out the instability of his wife' family, and soon after their marriage, he accepted to be transferred to another province only to get away from them. As the saying goes: "They lived happily ever after!"

The youngest daughter, spoiled, stupid, and very much like her mother, quited school at age fourteen and became close to her mother and waited for her chance for marriage. Soon she met a man, thirty years older than her, who worked for Iranian Oil Company and was very wealthy. They married shortly after and she stayed spoiled, stupid, and pampered. This was Hamid's background, whom Hana was falling in love with.

~~

When Amir, Hamid's uncle showed up, being forty five minutes late, both Hana and Hamid were deeply engaged in their conversation. For a moment, They did not even notice that another man pulled a chair and sat at their table. He was dressed very casual, a plaid shirt and a worn out jeans. It seemed to Hana that he was in his early thirties. When Hamid finally noticed him, They both started laughing.

"How long have you been here?" Hamid asked him.

"Just a minute or so!" Amir answered.

This is Hana, the girl I told you about." Hamid pointed to Hana as though there was another woman sitting at that table.

"Nice to meet you. " Amir politely said.

"Likewise, sir." She shyly responded.

"Let's talk about our business, if you don't mind." Amir said hastily.

"Of course, that is why we're here." Hamid answered.

Hana answered all Amir's questions about her brother's disappearance and arrest as honestly as she could. She also repeatedly promised that she would not tell anyone about their meeting after perceiving Amir's worriment. When Amir asked her about the name and the location of the prison Van was held, she simply said that she did not know.

Amir, who was taking notes while sipping his tea, asked Hana if there was anything else she had forgotten to tell him. Hana shook her head for no.

"Well, I must go now. I get in touch with you soon." Amir hurriedly shook Hana's hand and patted his nephew's shoulder and left. Hana, who was standing for saying good bye to Amir, did not sit after he had gone.

"I must go now."

"I walk with you outside." Hamid began following her.

In the hallway, where the exit door was, in front of the desk of the cashier Hamid searched all his pockets and with a sad, disappointed face he looked at Hana.

"I guess I forgot to bring money with me. Will you pay. I pay you back later."

"Don't worry about it. You don't have to pay me back. This was my deal and I am grateful to you and to your uncle." She said while taking the cash out of her wallet, the money she had saved up for the next day's grocery.

In the bus, going back home, she was drowned in her thoughts. Her feelings were torn between good and evil. A new sensation, she had lost it after Saied's suicide, was warming her heart along with a gleam of light which gave her tortured soul a peaceful gratification. She was somewhat hopeful to find her brother, van; and she had some answers to her mother's unstoppable questions. Nevertheless, a dark cloud of ambiguity was covering those blissful sentiments. "What if Amir can't do anything! What if these are all fantasies!" In the obscure light of the bus, she looked around and then outside and saw the darkness of the night and small stars and the full shinning moon. She could see a picture of a man with a big head, long arms, and no legs in the moon. "If he can't help us, why did he ask all those questions?" She asked herself loudly. When she had left home for that meeting, the sun rays were blinding her eyes; now the penetrating moon's arcs like circles of light were floating in the universe.

To Be Continued

Odyssey...==9- Illusion

Tehran-

In the bus going to her appointment, Hana thought: "What if this is a trick? What if they can't do anything? What if... I wish my mom was with me!" In the P. Square, she got out of the bus and reluctantly crossed the street. That tea shop was a known place for all university students. Sometimes after classes she and some of her girlfriends from college went there to release the tension of the day's work and school; and indulged themselves with a big piece of creamy pastry and a cup of tea before going home. But that day everything looked different. She was very worried that no familiar person see her with two men. Being a decent, young woman meant not to communicate with strange men in her society. She really wished that her mother was with her. Inside the smoky tea shop, first she let her eyes familiarized to the dim and smoky room. Then she noticed a young man was walking towards her. First she did not recognize Hamid; but right away she sighed: "Oh, it is Hamid."

After usual greeting, he led her to a table in a corner which was almost underneath the stairs. She was amazed that he had picked her favorite table.

"Where is your uncle?"

"He is coming. He is normally late."

Hana frowned and thought: "Can I trust a man who is normally late?" Hamid read her mind and stretched his hand and gently touched her finger. "Don't worry, he'll come."

The touch of Hamid's hand shivered Hana and she pulled her hand without saying anything.

"I am so sorry. I didn't mean any harm. Let's order something while we're waiting."

"I just want tea."

"Oh, you should try their pastries. They are great."

"I know. I've been here with my friends before."

"You mean you come here all the way from your home!"

"No, before I go home from college."

"I didn't know you go to college! I thought you're a teacher."

"Yes, I teach; but I go to college in evenings."

Hamid Bent his head with a little smile on his face: "I am impressed."

Somehow Hana began trusting him and very soon she was telling him her life story. She even ordered a pastry, even though at first she was afraid to eat one. The crispy flakes of pastry used to fall all over her dress and had always caused her friends' laughter. Talking to an opposite sex made her to feel what she was forbidden of; and soon she almost forgot her reason for being there. In the heat of the conversation, she was pleased and overwhelmed by a hidden feeling that had been died in her; while Hamid thought maliciously that Hana, so hard working, and responsible, could support him.

{]

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ### 9= Illusion

Dallas-

In her faint indicative house, Hana ponders: "I wish I never met him." Then she recalls how charming and gentle he was those days. If she had a chance to repeat her life, she thinks, she most likely will change many things; but she knows that wishing would not alter her life and fantasizing is only an escape. She is aware that she lives in a real world with sweet and cruel people; only the one person that she wants to be sweet is cruel. She is exhausted of solving daily problems. The other day she had a call from Farhad's school. He has missed many days of school for the last three weeks. The thought of her son's behavior reminds her of the days her brother, Van, missed school. That vision frightens her so much that for a while she can not breathe.

The next day in a meeting with school principal, Hana realizes that Farhad has missed ten days of school in three weeks. He has forged her signature on all the excuse notes; therefore he has been allowed to attend classes. Hana, shocked, looks at those notes. Her son had done a good job coping her signature. Should she know the consequences, she would not be so honest to tell the principal that she has not written those notes. Farhad finally says what he has done in those ten days after an hour of arguing, yelling, and Hana's weeping.

"I was going to White Rock Lack with some other boys. There, we rented boat for water skiing."

So it has been more than one that missed school; in fact five of them. It takes Hana three days of missing work to solve this problem. The action costs Farhad two credits. Hamid never finds out about it; since he does not care to know his son's problem at school.

Tehran-

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 9- ILLUSION

Dallas-

In the mist of the blue air and civilized environment of Dallas, Hana's thoughts are divided between either becoming a free woman by breaking old habits, or staying a prisoner forever. The idea of being unconfined is so tempting that she begins hallucinating about things she will do if she gains that liberty. After some time of deliberation, she comes to conclusion that probably she will not change her life style at all; except she will have eternal peace which is taken away from her. What scares her the most is her sons' well being if she breaks up with Hamid completely. They may accuse her in future for her separation from their father. Lost in her uproarious emotions, she wonders if they ever blame her for that. How can it be? Can't they see their father's cruelty to them and her? Can't they see his irresponsibility? Even more frightening thing is that Hamid will never leave them alone as long as they live, divorced or not divorced! He may even take the children from her which is common law in Muslim culture. Exasperating, she discerns that all the ifs, whys, and logic are only excuses. He can't take the children since they don't live in Iran anymore. All the other excuses are only her own habit and fears. Divorce is never sweet; nevertheless, she sadly discovers a shocking truth about herself. Even though she hates Hamid, she does not want a divorce. She is used to living with him and taking abuse from him so much that getting a divorce is like starting all over again from the young age not this age that she is in. Lila, her other- self, the other day called her masochistic. The startling actualization shivers her all over; and she wishes to have more wisdom or to talk to an expert to know the reason for the way she is. She even yearns to bring out her other self- self, Lila, to life. Maybe she can help her. But recently she has a hard time to do so. Conjuring up, dreaming, and reminiscing may assist her to discover the basis for her weak personality.

Tehran-

When Hana met Hamid for the first time in Fery's home, he looked handsome and well dressed. He was thin, not very tall, with light brown hair, black, thick eyebrow, and very light hazel eyes. His nose was not straight; and Hana would find out later that it was broken in a fight. In the meeting, Fery, her brother, Hamid and Hana were present. She was not sure if she could trust those people for Van's sake, but Fery assured her.

She started telling the story of her brother's disappearance from the beginning. First, she was stammering and her voice was weakened by the magnitude of that tragic story; but gradually, as she felt stronger, a vehement enthusiasm brightened her eyes and her voice became stronger. Fery, who for the first time heard the story entirely was crying. Her brother was sadly looking to an unknown place; but Hamid was full of attention and did not show any emotion.

Hana stopped talking suddenly, as though she was reading a story from a book and there was nothing else left to be read. She had reached the last page of the book. She gazed somewhere far, as though she was searching for her brother. The deadly silence was finally broken by Hamid:

"Maybe I can help you. My uncle is an army officer. He used to work for Savak but not anymore. He still has a lot of friends there. We go and see him."

"Why did your uncle leave Savak?" Hana, curious asked.

"He couldn't stand it anymore. He never told us anything about it. All he said when he left Savak was that I must lose my soul to continue working here." Hamid was telling the truth.

A delicate gleam of hope enlightened Hana's heart. She could not stand anymore her mom's suffering and the extensive turbulence like an angry ocean in her house. Her eyes filled with tears and a few drops ran on her cheeks.

"When can I see your uncle?" She asked Hamid.

"I must call him and then I let you know. Let me have your phone number. I call you."

Hana wrote the number on a piece of paper Fery gave her and handed it to Hamid.

"My mom like to see your uncle, too; if it is possible."

"I'm not sure about that. My uncle doesn't like to advertise his connection with Savak; but I see to it."

Going back home, she tried to be optimistic. Any door or link might bring a light. But what if the door opened to the dark. She convinced herself to be positive. With that attitude, she excitingly told her mom the story. Gol, a woman, now in her mid thirties, with all gray hair, looking like an old woman, stared at her daughter through her dull eyes; which at one point had been shiny and full of life, and did not say anything.

The next morning, being Friday (a holiday in Iran), Hana decided to stay in her closet- like room longer than usual. She lingered in her bed, while its softness reminded her how tired she was. She thought, fell asleep, dozed, opened her eyes, and just felt too lazy to get up. She forcefully opened her eyes to look at the time- it was ten o'clock. She closed her eyes again. A knock on her door made her to jump. Gol came in without waiting for Hana's response.

"A man is on the phone. He wants to talk to you."

Hana leaped from bed and ran all the way downstairs to the hallway and picked up the phone. It was Hamid, the young man she had met in Fery's home yesterday.

"We are going to visit my uncle this afternoon at four o'clock in a tea shop on Phalavi Street. He doesn't want to see you in his house; you know for security reason."

Hana did not have to write the address. That tea shop was a very known place for the students of the University of Tehran. She, herself, had been there many times with her friends. Gol, standing next to her, did not allow her to tell her who was on the phone.

"Who was he? What is going on?"

"I told you yesterday. He is Fery's brother's friend. His uncle maybe help us. I am going to see them this afternoon."

"I don't want you to see two strange men alone. I go with you."

"Mom, stop it. I'm grown now. I can take care of myself."

"You think you're grown, but you're not. You just can't go alone, can't..."

As a blinding anger was filling Hana, she tried very hard to control it and said:

"Mom, his uncle wants to see me. He is doing us a favor. This is too dangerous. You may show emotion. I was the one who found out about Van's venture and then his arrest. I'm taking care of all of you. I think I'm capable to take care of myself."

That was the end of the conversation. Gol did not speak to Hana the rest of the day and acted hurt; nonetheless, when Hana was leaving the house for her appointment, Gol ran after her.

"I am so sorry honey. I don't know what will I do without you."

"I'm sorry, too, mom. I shouldn't have spoken that way to you."

Gol Hugged her daughter and blew out some prayers after she left.

Dallas-

To Be Continued

Odyssey...~~~ 8- Anguish

Van did not come home one night. Sleepless and worried, Hana went to Behroz's home at five in the morning; running the entire twenty minutes walk to her grandparents. Everyone at home was in bed. Nobody knew that she even left home. She woke up Behroz by throwing a rock at his window from the alley. She had to repeat that a few times until he woke up. She did not want to ring the bell and worry her grandparents. Besides their room light was on; which meant they were up to do their first, before sunrise prayer.

When Behroz joined her and heard the story, they both ran all the way to that inauspicious house in that alley. There, standing breathless, they looked at each other without speaking, as though each was expecting the other to take an action. Hana, after a few minutes of bewilderment knocked the door. A young, stern man opened the door. He was dressed in suit and tie that early in the morning. After looking at him for a moment in an ambiguous way, Hana finally found the courage to speak:

"I am looking for my brother."

"So your brother was one of them." The stern man answered; and then he added: "Are you one of them, too? I must arrest you, too."

Before Hana and Behroz could realize what was happening, a few more men also showed up from inside the rooms and they handcuffed and blindfolded them both. They put them in the back of a car that was parked there. The driving took about half an hour to Hana's estimation; while neither of them knew where they were taking them. However, they understood those men were Savak agents and they were taking them to one of Savak buildings. Inside, after their eyes were gradually accustomed to the light, they found themselves in a small room. A dim lamp was hanging from the ceiling; and it made the room like a scary cage. There was no window; and the only furniture was a big desk with one chair at one side and three more at the other side of it. A middle-aged man, about fifty, with civilian suit was sitting behind the desk and looking at some papers. Hana and Behroz, who had shared many secretive things being so close family and also having a strong friendship, felt a gloomy hope of being together. That aspiration enabled them to answer all the questions honestly and fearlessly. Finally the interrogator said:

"You can go, both of you. You're clean; but Van is not. We need to get rid of these communists who try to overthrow our monarchy."

"Oh, please, he is just a young boy!" Hana said hysterically.

"These young boys, as you put it, are more dangerous than the other ones." He had no mercy in his tone of voice.

"Please, for God's sake, we just lost our father. Have a little leniency. My mom is going to die if she hears about this."

"Where was she when your brother was planning a sabotage?"

"Oh, God, he is just a boy. How can he? My mom is still mourning the death of my father. She didn't know."

"There is many of them out there, young lady, and together they can bring down a government. Conversation is over. You must leave now before I change my mind about you two."

Behroz began pulling Hana by hand, but Hana was still begging for Van.

"Can we see him?" She said.

"No, you can't."

"Where is he?"

"I can't tell you."

"What are you going to do with him?" She asked while her uncle kept pulling her to leave: "Let's go."

"I can't tell you; and stop questioning me." Hana saw in his eyes that another question of her would be catastrophic.

The first man that they had seen in front of the house, where Van was attending those meetings, this time only blindfolded them and drove them somewhere in close approximately of where they lived and dropped them, but not before to get the black blindfolding fabric out of their eyes. Before driving out, he told them to keep their mouth shout.

Two months passed and no one knew or had any idea where Van was. Meanwhile, searching for a clue, Hana trusted a colleague and told her about the misfortunate disappearance of her brother. Fery, being very sympathetic, told Hana about a friend of her brother.

"My brother has a friend, and I think he has a relative in Savak."

"Hana, all excited, begged Frey to introduce her to her brother's friend. That was how she met Hamid.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~{~{ 8- Anguish

Dallas-

When the telephone rings, Hana looks at the clock next to bed; it is two in the morning. Who can it be? She is almost sure it must be bad news, as many other times in past when the phone rang in the early hours of the morning. It is Hamid. He had an accident which leaves Hana no choice but calling a friend at that time for help and a ride. At the scene of accident, unfortunately Hamid is fine but the car is not. While thinking how she will go to work next morning and how they will be able to buy another car while they still have a payment on this one, she does not speak her true feeling: "It's okay. Thank God you're fine, Hamid."

The significance of having car for Hana is going back and forth to work; whereas for Hamid is going out at night and getting drunk.The same friend who gave Hana a ride, cosigns the notes so they can buy another used car. She prays that Hamid will not abuse this one like many others.

While she tries to smooth out many problems they face everyday because of Hamid's selfishness, Lila, her other- half, finds the courage to convince her of freeing herself from this miserable marriage. Hana does not know why she has not done anything about this matter yet. Is it because of fear, loyalty, or the culture she was brought up in? Strangely she comes to conclusion that the only way out of this situation is her husband's death and nothing else.

Numerous occasions of Hamid's violent behavior in the three years living in Dallas Make Hana think about Lila's recommendations. She begins planning different techniques to get rid of him; however knowing him the way she does, she recognizes that as long as he lives, he would not leave them alone even if they are divorced. Temporarily she forgets about her plan. Instead she tries to inspect life from past to present more to discover how she has gotten to this abyss of affliction.

Tehran-

As lonely as Hana felt in both her inside and out side world, another distress tormented her. Van, her brother, was coming home late every night. He was talking about quitting school although he was an excellent student and if he studied hard, he would had been even better than Hana, her older sister. Hana's talking to him irritated him and she could not make him to speak with her. His given name was Vandad, but he had become Van during years. He was at twelfth grade, a very intelligent young man that now was rude and did not care about mom's worriment. He slept all day and stayed out all night. Since Hana could not make him to open up his feeling to her, she decided to sneak on him by following him one night. She asked Behroz, her only confidant, to go with her.

In the dark alleys they followed Van. He walked fast and occasionally stopped to watch back as though he was afraid that someone was following him. In the turn of an alley, Hana and Behroz thought they lost him; but soon they saw him again entering a house. Hana's prediction was wrong. He was not spending his time somewhere drinking. What came to Hana's mind shivered her, for he was doing something far more dangerous than drinking or doing drugs. Behind the closed doors of that house, Both Behroz and Hana were thinking the same thing without speaking it, "political meetings"; something that was very common those days among young people. Totally frightened, they returned home and decided to do some investigation about that house.

The next night, Hana and Behroz went there earlier than Van. They wanted to see what kind of people went to that house. Eight young men, one of them Van, and three young women entered the house. Some of them carrying boxes which seemed heavy. Behroz suggested to climb the wall to see what was happening there; but Hana said that would be too dangerous. How could they find out what was going on in that house? The next night an older man, about forty, entered the house which nearly proved Hana's theory. Behroz suggested to approach some of the boys he knew, and to pretend he wanted to join. She agreed. It took him couple of weeks to gain their trust' and finally one day he told Hana the shocking news:

"This is an antigovernment meeting. They're brain washing these young men and women. The boxes you saw are filled with books and handouts."

Even though Hana had instinctively known, the news made her shudder. She recognized what the Government and Savak (the Iranian Intelligent Agency that worked for the Shah, and even its name brought a shiver to people) could do with these people if they found them.

"What are we going to do? Mom can't take another misery!"

"I don't know. We must talk to Van. We must stop him of going there; and we must not tell anyone." Behroz said with concern.

"Agreed." Hana stammered.

Talking to Van was useless. He stubbornly talked about government unjust policy, political prisoners, and freeing the country and people from all the inequitableness. Deep down inside, Both Hana and Behroz knew he was right; nonetheless, changing the regime would take more than bunch of young people with some books and handouts, whom mostly had faced a hard life or a loss. All Behroz and Hana could do was praying. They never thought to discuss this matter with a wiser member of family, like uncle Nabi, for Van said:

"If you try to stop me, I leave home. They will give us room and board. Then I can become like a foot soldier. Do you want that?"

Someone else was doing his homework at the same time. Reza, Hana's uncle, whom she had thrown out from their home, was still angry at Hana's treatment of him and Asad. He had planned in details to stab his dead brother's family in back. Now that he had learned by his sources about van's activity in one of antigovernment parties, he decided by betraying the location of that house, to avenge his unruly niece. The soft hearted Asad, his younger brother, could not stop him of going to the officials; and it happened.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 8- Anguish

Dallas-

With night growing colder, the everlasting banishment of a journey without return is ruthlessly accentuated in Hana's vision. She stubbornly refuses to have fun or to feel good. I catch her in a dark fall day alone in her apartment. Her disgusting position on the chair with her hands under her chin makes me sick. How can I teach her, change her, and make her understand that that we have only one life to live? In the lonely room, she sees my shadow and without moving, rudely says:

"What do you want? Leave me alone?"

I get closer to her and pat her on shoulder which makes her to tremble like a shaking tree.

"Stop grieving!"

"Why?" She demands.

""Because you live only once; and besides you're making me depressed, too."

She rises from her chair and looks at me through her dispirited eyes, infuriated:

"You don't have to live with me."

"How can I not? We're connected! You're making me dispirited and I don't like it. I just want to guide you. If you listen to me, we both have a better life."

She, irritated, begins laughing hysterically.

"I don't need your meaningful guidance."

"But you have choices. If you trust me, I'll give you a spiritual solace that can erase all those permanent bruises from your stubborn mind. Just give me a chance."

"What do you want me to do?" Hana's voice gradually changes to stammering.

"I am writing your story. I want you to help me to finish it with a happy ending."

Hana, perplexed, looks at her.

"You're not a person. How can you write my story? I created you when I needed a friend. Now you want to take over my life. It is funny." She finishes breathlessly.

I think of what she says. That is right. She gave life to me just for having someone secretive to talk to; but somehow I have picked the strength of her strong will which then has died in her.

"I know all these, Hana. I know I am your imaginary friend, or as you often say, your other- half or other-self, or what ever your mood is at the time. But this is not the way of living. I want to give you what no one has ever been able to offer you- peace; and I am writing your story whether you like it or not..."

When I hear the footstep of Hana's son, I stop my lecture to fade away into the air and leave the conversation unfinished until the next time when I visit my other- self.

Tehran-

In the intensely intuited, but to some magnitude halting, Gol, helpless and disheartened of unsatisfied poison of life that had turned inward, walked like a ghost in the cheerless house. The tragedy of losing her husband and all the responsibilities that followed, deranged her to a shadow. With hesitation, she had to make decisions, and with regret, she ought to follow the rules. Wondering in fright, she did not know how she had gotten to that darkness of loneliness. Not knowing what love had really meant, she missed Davoud, her husband. In the obscurity of her house, the solitary widow became more and more like a specter than human; and she let that anxiety to take over her without considering her children. Gol's despondent behavior made Hana a mother to her sisters and brothers and a shoulder to her mom overnight.

As fragile as Hana had been up to death of her father, she suddenly found a strength beyond imagination to put all torn pieces back together. She cleaned up a room on the first floor for her mom to sew; and at the meantime, she passed hand outs to friends, neighbors, and her colleagues for Gol's excellent ability to sew. She calculated by doing that not only she would help mom to snap out of depression, but also she would improve the finance of the family. A little money that mom and children were paid from dad's survival benefit, the money she was making as a teacher, and the money mom was going to make from sewing would be barely enough for living and paying the mortgage. After computing the finance of the family in her mind and then on the paper, she refused uncle Nabi's suggestion to sale the house and move to an apartment. Nabi, who could not believe Hana's growth in such a short time, amazingly looked at the piece of paper with all the figures Hana had written on it. He studied it for a while in silence and finally said:

"What about emergencies, if someone gets sick?"

Hana impatiently interrupted him: "I am thinking to have Reza and Asad leave here. They're old enough to take care of themselves. When that happens, we'll be in better shape."

"How are you going to do that?" Uncle Nabi sounded a little sarcastic.

"Very simple; I just tell them to leave."

"Good luck with that! You know your dad's family had used him and all of you for years. I doubt that now that he is gone, you can stop it."

"You watch me, uncle Nabi. I am not dad."

Uncle Nabi looked at her, perplexed, while a mysterious smile brightened his stern face. He always liked people who were motivated and self reliance.

"You know if you need help, you can come to me any time."

"I know it; and thank you for that. But I don't think that would be necessary. I keep that in mind though." She talked in a way that gave uncle Nabi the feeling that she was his equal. But he never said that to her.

To every one's extreme surprise, Hana asked Reza and Asad to leave. Their anger and intimidation and Gol's soft talking did not stop Hana. Reza, two years older than her, furiously said:

"I show you. Now you want to boss everyone around. I show you."

Hana, very calm, smiled and said:

"Believe me, you'll thank me for this one day."

So the two uncle, dad's brothers, left. Now she had two less mouth to feed. She ignored her mom's begging to let them stay.

"No, mom. I am younger than them and working. They can work and go to school, too; even though I don't think they're interested in school. Besides how about their other sisters and brothers? They can help, too. Situation has changed, mom."

That was the end of discussion; and Gol finally gave in to her daughter, whom in a short time had grown so much that even she depended on her.

Between working full time, going to college part time, and taking care of everything and everyone at home, soon Hana replaced dad. Her brothers and sisters came to her for any problems they had; and mom waited for her every evening, as she had done for her husband. Each evening when Gol heard the key turning in the hole, she would be all excited like a little girl whose mother was coming home.

But even then, Hana's life was divided to what she called it inside and outside world. Her outside world meant a general term- taking care of others and working and school; and her inside world was in her closet- like room still imagining, although she did not have much time to do that. Every night after she was finished with that day's struggle, she found peace and comfort in her room. A privet time that she treasured and did not allow anyone to take it from her. There, she mostly thought about dad and Saeid. She let her tears flow for both of them, whom she loved so much; and never told them that. As her family depended on her after dad's death, she had never had the chance to cry like others. There had not been a shoulder for her to lean, while her shoulders had become like a strong wall for others, specially mom.

There, in her closet- like room with red curtains over fake windows, she let her frenzy and grief roam around. Instead of writing letters to her old time, imaginary friend, Mesa, Hana created a live person, which she called her other- half or self, and named her Lila. At the beginning in order to bring her other-self to life, she had to gaze in the mirror for a long time and gradually the spirit of her other- half became to life; nevertheless, after practicing, she found the power to do that without any effort. In long conversation she had with Lila, she gave her all her wisdom, strength, and many other things she wanted to be. The more she gave her other- self, the weaker she became herself. It was like nursing a baby without eating any food. So there, in that small room, she created a perfect person, a shoulder, a shadow of herself; and a perfect other- self that she always wished to be.

Dallas-

To Be Continued

Odyssey...*** 7- Pale Glow

Tehran-

How weak, fragile and angelic dad looked on that fourth of July, his last birthday; a thirty five years old man who was going to die soon, with five children, a wife, and two brothers to support. Hana, who left home for work every morning, begged her mom before leaving not to let the nuisance relatives disturb dad.

"What am I supposed to do? Throw them out!" Gol seemed powerless.

"Yes, mom, if you can't, I can and I will. I throw them out. I don't want them here. I thought we weren't supposed to tell dad; but he knows because of all these coming and going." Hana's anger at whole situation was to the point of boiling out and burning everyone.

Mom bent her head, and calmly said: "It's going to be hard."

"You can do it mom. Do it for dad. His relatives acts as though he is already dead. They come in the morning and stay here, have lunch and dinner, laugh and talk and talk about his cancer in front of him. Why can't they see we don't have the income to cook for so many people! why can't they see, he needs to be contented and at ease?!" Hana was beyond angry. He knew soon he will do something.

At school where Hana taught, all her colleagues knew the misfortunate terminal disease of her father; however, that knowledge did not stop them to be envious and infuriated at her because her distant cousin, who was the Minster of Education, had placed her in that position without having a teaching certificate. Hana wondered about their demeanor. She did her job better than any of them, she was very knowledgeable in anything she taught; nonetheless, solely deep inside she understood their indignation since she saw that displeasure and unrest in the entire society for many unjust things haunting people everywhere. Realizing that fact, motivated her to go back to school and take only one class at the time so she could work and would have time to be at home to take care of all the happening there. Very soon, she became the mother, and her mom changed to be another child at home. her talking to mom did not help the ordinary way of women's behavior that Gol had it, too.

Every evening, Hana looked into her brothers and sisters homework, the next day's living affairs, and then checked dad's condition. Finally one evening, what her mother could not tell all those loathsome relatives, she did:

"My dad needs his rest and peace. You just can't come here everyday and sit by his bedside and talk about what you've seen in magazine. Do it in your home, or help us in some way. If you want to see your brother, once a week is enough and that should be just a short visit not the all day picnic with all your children and..."

The angry relatives left and never came back; but not before complaining to Gol about Hana's rude and mean behavior. Hana did not care what they thought of her.

Now that dad knew about his fatal disease, every night after Hana was finished with her routine, he talked to her, as though she would be the one taking care of the family after his death. She held dad's hand for hours and let him talk, fall asleep, wake up, talk more. He always cursed the cruel life. Radiation and medicined did not help the cancer of spreading out; There was no chemo theraphy those days; and very soon, dad's inability for eating gave the repulsive signal the that end was near.

~~

Davoud, Hana's dad, loved to feel the warmth of sun rays coming through the open window on his weak and mortal body. There, lying in bed, unable doing what seemed very normal, he despised the despairing frivolity of life. He began doubting God he had worshipped all his life. Dizzily, he knew that he was mortified by a culture and custom in which he had been forced to marry at age seventeen and to have his first child, Hana, at age eighteen. being home late only one hour, his father had pressured him to marry: "It is time for you to marry a nice girl." His logic had been, "When a boy starts coming home late, he must marry". So Davoud had become a family man at the age that boys would enjoy their teenage years. Gol, his wife, being only one year younger than him, had not been much help since no one had taught her how to prevent unwanted pregnancy or tell Davoud how to do it. He was not blaming her for this because, she, like him, did not know any thing. They were two kids who enjoyed sex; and did not know the consequences of unprotected one. Five children arrived in ten years one after the other. Davoud had to become mature in a hurry to support them.

On the first day of autumn, The day that children were going back to school, Davoud found a little strength to gaze at the luminous rays of light pouring in with the morning sun. It gave his cold and broken body a warmth he enjoyed very much. He had enough energy left in him to investigate his life. The bitter reckoning suffocated him to a point that the magnitude of life did not seem so great anymore. He wondered in fright how he had gotten to that abyss of desertion. In a terrifying state of exhaustion, he let his entity be led to a shapeless place, where there were only a big moon and millions of stars in the bottomless of darkness. He felt that he could no longer resist the growling of his organs, fears, and the bewildered anxiety to join the sky; and at the same time to stay forever. The exasperated silence and the fearful journey made him shudder while he noticed that time was not passing. Then he felt a pure air in his aching skin; and an unbearable smell of memories floated.

There was a mournful glow on his face that was the color of autumn when his family found him dead on his bed. After all, Hana was not with him at the time of his death, nobody was. He died on his on term. She never told him she loved him. She also lost glow of her life.

When darkness slowly creeps,

A silent, vivacious breeze

Is felt on my colorless face;

And within my soul, restless of chase.

I feel faint and weak.

All I desire to rest not to seek.

I feel slowly within me,

The fire of life becomes free.

My knees buckle and shake;

Can't support my body of this ache.

I feel I may fall in some dark abyss

When my cheeks, gust of wind kiss.

Trying to open my eyes,

To see once more the world and skies;

But I find I can not though;

The fire of life is now a glow.

I found a sound afar;

It resembles the wailing of a war.

But still fast, faster blow

Tells me of my dying glow.

Another gust of wind is near,

To give my face a last cheer!

Frightened and shivering, I know

The fire of living is now only a glow.

Dallas-

Fourth of July is almost over while another shocking day will arrive soon, first of autumn, the day that Hana's dad died in his dream while being only thirty six years old. Now she is almost the same age when her father took his last journey. One thing dad's death has reinforced in her life, and that is not to put her thoughts into words. She has learned to hide his emotions, disgust, and distrust from everyone. Even after dad's death, when everyone was mourning, moaning, and fainting, she became the organizer and care taker to give the dad the last respect he deserved; while inside her soul, she fought with a spacious ferocity that wanted to tear everything and everybody apart. The perpetual irritation has ruthlessly infested her life like a permanent wound in finger. While nothing can lull her uproarious soul, she has managed to stay calm and responsible.

When each day begins with a morning mist, she looks at the nature's exhibition, and fantasizes that somewhere far, very far, her father roams dramatically under coquettish stars and breathes easily the irresistible fresh air and laughs joyously for feeling the animated breeze. Then she believes that they are joined till eternity by a bond that is more lasting that life- love.

To Be continued

Odyssey... {}{} 7- Pale Glow

Spring brought a little color to Dad's face which made Hana somewhat hopeful; nevertheless, when the doctor a week later called and asked for mom to go to his office, Hana knew intuitively that an impetuous disaster would soon loom. Mom's almost dark red face was the sign of rushing hot blood to it; and her crying eyes did not help Hana's dreadful predication. When Gol was leaving the house in a hurry to go to doctor's office, Hana ran to her:

"Stop mom, I am going with you."

"Gol looked at her daughter through the mist of her afflicted eyes pathetically, as if her beautiful; brown eyes had lost their electrifying shine.

"Thanks sweet heart, hurry up." Gol said while her tormented voice was barely audible.

In the taxi, the two women, seventeen years apart in age, shared the same pain, as though the despairing frenzy setting a fire and burring them both. Even the stingy tears turned against them while each looked in a different direction so as their eyes would not meet the expressive depth of the sorrow in the other one. The twenty minutes drive to the doctor's office was spent in absolute silence which was louder than any harangue.

Going up the stairs to the doctor's office, Hana held mom's hand and made her to stop.

"Mom, no matter what, I stand by you."

Gol looked amiably at her daughter and kissed her on the cheek.

"You're becoming my friend."

The old doctor was a respectable and honorable man, who had made a good name for himself practicing medicine. He, who was a friend of family and was also their family doctor, the minute saw Gol and Hana entering his office, got up from his chair. Holding the chair for Gol, he asked Hana to sit down. So far he did what he had normally done in past. Nonetheless Hana's heart seemed coming out of her throat. The ambiance was so intense that one could think an execution was about to take place. He turned the papers of Dad's lab work and other papers that seemed like reports on his desk over and over; while the mother and daughter were impatiently waiting. He finally took off his glasses and looked at Gol.

"I don't know how to start! This is..."

"Is it cancer?" Hana interrupted.

"Well, yes, his kidney..."

Suddenly Gol burst into a flood of tears. All the tears that had dried out in her eyes began flowing. "Oh, God, oh, God,"

Doctor H. got up from his chair and walked around his desk. He hugged Gol, who was about to faint. He called a nurse to come and take Gol to another room while Hana, on her chair was shivering. A world of nothingness was encircling her and no imagination could help her to cope with this calamity. The return of the humane Dr. H. did not disturb Hana's staring eyes to an unknown place. He came to her and held her hands:

"Do you want to cry?"

Hana's tearless, gazing eyes did not move. He held her by the shoulder and began shaking her, as though he was playing a game with another boy. That motion gave Hana a sense of awareness.

"How long does he have?"

"It is hard to say; maybe four to six months. It is metastasized."

By hearing those hideous words and repellent ambiance, she grabbed Dr. H.'s shoulders:

"Why, why? He is only thirty five. He..." She could not continue.

"I wish I knew. I wish there was a cure for cancer. Maybe in future when we're not around anymore, they find a cure for it. Do you know how many patients I have lost to cancer? Each time a part of me is lost, too. I am so sorry."

Hana finally gave in to her uproarious emotions and eased in Dr. H. arms, crying. He kindly caressed her back and hair, while her tears made his white uniform all wet. After the initial shock, when she finally realized how destiny, God, or nature wanted to take her father, that kind, decent man, she shoved Dr. H. away from her and sat straight on her chair.

"What can we do for him?"

"Just give him the best of his life. If he had a dream of going somewhere, now it is the time. Let him and your mother take a trip together." He paused for a moment and then continued: "I know you're very young and it's hard for you to be the anchor of this family now; but from what I hear and know, it is your job now to help your mom and sisters and brothers. You must..."

"Do we tell him? " She broke in ardently.

"It's up to you and to your mom."

"What do you think? What would you do?"

"I won't tell him."

"So we don't tell him; and I won't let my sisters and brothers to know either."

Dallas-

Fourth of July, a day of celebration for Americans, a splendid day for this great country's Independence; however, any fourth of July is a painful experience for Hana. Hana's father would be fifty five years old. When she looks in the dark through the window to all the fire works that go high in sky and come back in the shapes of flowers or other beautiful things, she makes herself to believe that American are celebrating her father's birthday. In the bleak, dreary room, she lights a candle. She tries to picture her dad's face by staring at the flame of the candle, a trick she had learned many years ago; but what she sees is a shapeless glow that flies without direction. Her sons, Farhad and Sam, are with their friends watching the fire works; and Hamid, who cares!

She wonders where her father is at that moment; and a piteous exasperation fills her body. Gnawing and excruciating pains that have captivated her within years, roam inside her and she actually enjoys the feeling of that loathsome affliction. She remembers the last days of her father's life while every one's troublesome love made him to understand the mortal life he was living; and the very short time he had left with his family.

Tehran-

To Be Continued

Odyssey... _-_-7- Pale Glow

Being overwhelmed in her own misery, Hana even did not notice her father's pale face and tremendous loss of weight. Sitting in the class, which was very different from high school, she had a hard time to concentrate or listen. Her chair in the class was a place to sit down and day dream. When it was time for the test, she did not know what the professor was talking about. She, who had passed the KONKOR with honor in the entire country, now did not care about the subject matter, or her future goal. Nevertheless, she kept her vision intact. In each class she met different students; and her lively vision allowed her to investigate them and discover if any of them knew her kind of pain. To her, eyes were the representative of each face and soul. She could see much pains in some of those eyes. Without speaking, all those gloomy eyes somehow befriended her; as there was an empathic glare in them that connected those young people together. Shala, a young woman in her history class, when they were talking in the campus, one day told her of the grievous death of her father. She said how her family had almost shattered because of his death. She talked about the possibility of quitting college and getting a job to help her mother. Her story was so shocking that Hana was embarrassed of being so arrogant and thinking only about her problems. How could unfair life steal education from a bright woman, who had passed KONKOR, like Shala?

Going home from school in the bus, she remembered her father's pale face and loss of weight. Disturbing thoughts provoked her; as though she, too, was about to lose her father and was forced to quit college to get a job. At home after a long time being aloof towards everyone, especially her parents, she asked her mom about dad's health:

"What is wrong with dad? He's lost a lot of weight."

"You've finally noticed!" Her mom said in a sarcastic tone.

"Don't be cynical, mom. I have my problems, too."

"What is your problem? You have everything and you don't have to work for it."

She had never seen mom this bitter, even at the time of dad's financial problem. However, she said:

"I don't want to explain myself to you. Let's leave that out. I just want to know about dad."

"Well, he's sick." Mom burst into tears.

"What kind of sickness, what?"

"We don't know yet. The doctor is running some tests,"

That news was beyond Hana's endurance. All those time she had been busy grieving and feeling sorry for herself, a greater tragedy was taking place in her house which she was not aware of it. How could she dissipate an abyss of shame that suddenly enveloped her? Wasn't she, the oldest child, was supposed to be a confidant and a shoulder to her sorrowful mother at this time? To her surprise, even her brothers and sisters knew about dad's health problem. She was truly ashamed of herself. She did not feel that it was her mother who had hidden that important matter from her, but it was her, who had been occupied by her mournful affliction, and did not care about family matters anymore. Her own sorrow had left a mask of indifference not only on her face but even on her soul which completely blinded her to see things at home, or focus at college. She finally realized that Saeid perhaps had more issues than being in love with her to take his own life! What if he wanted her to feel bad and guilty for the rest of her life for the way her family, particularly Uncle Nabi had treated his family and him. That was a terrible thought that was blooming in her. She loved to be in love with him for the rest of her life even though he was dead; but now this new thought which were forming in her mind was showing a different perspective of this whole tragedy to her.

It took a shocking trauma to bring Hana close to her parents; and she tried by doing more than her ability to make up for the stolen times. Her father, who was still going to work every morning, at age thirty five looked like an old man. Hana, who suffered a delusion after the initial shock, felt more fear than appall when looking at her dad's spiritless eyes, which at one point had been fierce and dynamic. While going to work was becoming more difficult for him, another trauma struck the family. Grandma had a stroke. Gol, Hana's mom, was torn between taking care of her family and her husband and going to hospital to visit her mother-in-law; while the two uncles, Reza and Asad, moved back to Hana's house. Hospital bills, and dad's medical expenses even with having medical insurance through his work, became unbearable, as though there was nothing else to spend.

Now that she was on track, with all the turmoils, she successfully finished the first semester at college; and to her mother's extreme surprise, she decided not to enroll but to get a job. She did not accept her parents' vehement reasoning. "I need to help. This can not go on." That was her repeated answer. Deep down inside, she wished grandma's death; so one less financial burden; and it happened. Three months after the initial stroke, grandma died in Hana's house. For the first time she saw a dead person. Grandma was laying there in her bed so quietly and peacefully that Hana could not believe she was the one who had constantly fought her mother and demanded material thing from her father.

All grandma's children, she had eight, who had never helped a dime ever to help their brother and even with the crises of the hospital bills while they knew their brother was sick, gathered in their home, screaming and crying: "Mother. mother!" The funeral and burial took place one day later, according to Islamic law that one should bury their dead in twenty four hours, unless there is a special circumstance. The customary mourning lasted one week in their home; while all the families including the eight children with their spouses and children and some friends ate lunches and dinners there. Hana's mom and her mother cooked and shopped all days. Every evening the Muslim priest, came to the house and made people to cry even harder with his reading of Koran in Arabic language. Hand was certain that nobody understood what the Muslim priest was reading. As far as she was concerned, he might be reading not from Koran but some other thing. No one knew the Arabic language. However, after the Arabic reading of supposedly Koran which made people to cry even harder was ended, the eating would start. While they were eating like pigs, in Hana's opinion, there was no crying. Everybody laughed and talked and passed around the dishes. None of dad's sister and brothers even cared to notice their older brother's deteriorating health and finance. As much as Hana wished for the end of the brawl, she knew her two uncles would again become the permanent resident of their home now that they had lost their mother. She did not understand why a twenty and eighteen years old young men needed their brother's support and supervision; and why the other sisters and brothers could not help even if it was only just a small amount! She did not like this culture which the oldest son should take care of his mother and young siblings in case of the death of his father; no, she did not like it a bit.

To Be continued

Odyssey... 7- Pale Glow

Dallas-

To Hana's dismay, growing dread that fills her days, accentuates the conspicuous nothingness. The dazzling power of remembering that tragic time looms indistinctly like a mist; and she still scolds herself. As her age progresses and her face begin to wither, the blame inside her every existing cells becomes greater and more unbearable. Somehow she has learned to live with it as though that remorse is a very important part of her body. Not being able to talk about it to anyone did not help the massive tribulation and anger which was burning her from inside out; and drying her like a parched soil. In her distracted hallucination, she is exasperated by a life that has to be lived and responsibilities that must be met.

Then she remembers the cruel people around her who responded to the piteous death of that young flower so indifferently that she wished to kill them all. As frightened as she is of Hamid, her husband, to find her writing, she had this strong need to write. She wants to write a poem about those days. "I can destroy it after writing it." she says it to herself.

I reflect the feelings of yesterday;

I was young and had no dismay.

Schools and other things were in my mind,

Not the sorrow that today I find.

Yesterday's thoughts make me feel,

A vicious sadness hard to deal.

I think of the one who possessed my heart;

Our destiny rules us to part.

I can't forget that handsome face;

Nor how he took his life for my disgrace.

I said my farewell with desperate rave;

For I wasn't allowed to say it at his grave.

~~

That night moon had only a wan light.

My face reflected a dark shadow of fright.

I stood in deadly silence to hear,

Any sympathizing word about my dear.

But no one knew, no one did care;

That we had promised each other to pair;

That we didn't want to part.

Such was our love, so certain in heart.

Now I think of those limited days;

How sweetly they burned me with blaze.

Hard days have come, hard days had gone;

And I always for those days long.

Tehran-

The news of Saeid's death did not reach Hana's family right away, while she instinctively knew something was terribly wrong. Her dreams never lied to her. Two weeks later her father casually mentioned what he had heard. "You know Saied, Behroz's friend, I heard he has committed suicide." Father said those words as though he was talking about the death of a bird or a cat or a tree. All Hana's vain hopes disappeared by that odd statement of her father. Suicide, not being a normal or pleasant word in their vocabulary, was translated to an act of weakness and cowardliness specially among men; but not to Hana. She knew that many great people in world had committed suicide. She did not believe that killing oneself is an act of debility.

Summer was almost over, while she never participated in their SECRET SOCIETY anymore. She refused to see Behroz since she did not want any sympathy from him. What could Behroz tell her to ease the tremendous guilt that was blooming in her heart? She learned to live in dark and away while being in light and among. It was just like twilight which always ambiguous between dark and light. End of Summer meant starting school; and she who had already passed with highest honor the over crowded, difficult exam (KONKOR) for entering the university, was looking forward to get away from home without being questioned.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {}{} 6- The End of Beginning

Back in the terminal, she searched with her eyes for Seied's family, but none of them was there. She could have him all for herself until they would go their separate way home. The far distance from the airport to their homes would give them enough time to talk, or perhaps even hold hands, and feel the rapture of being together.

When microphone announced his flight landed, a sharp, bitter cold quivered her all over. She hid behind a large column and gazed at the gate Saeid would exit soon. Feeling that he would be the first, she saw the captain and fly attendants arrived first into the terminal. "What will he do when he sees me?" Do we hug or shake hands?" The noise of the crowd was an absolute silence in her ears. Staring at the long tunnel, passengers were existing, she finally recognized him. He was surround by fog and smoke. They circled him like a round chain which separated him from others. Shocked and confused, she looked at the circle of smoke which was fading away slowly as he was getting closer and closer to enter the terminal. Then she saw blood dripping from Saeid's face to floor.

Sitting on her bed all sweaty, horrified, and trembling, she knew her nightmare had told her more than what she wanted to know. Everything was over. She buried her face with her hands, breathing heavily, and cried. As her loud crying subsided and became a gentle weeping, she got up from bed to hurry up and write a poem which was taking over her soul before she would forget it. This was how she saw him in the last moment of his life

"When morning opens to sun its face,

The rosy waves wear a lace;

Made of pure gold and glee-

Over the roaring and silent sea.

The morning, at the time, wet and cold.

The white jasmine beneath dew is old.

The breeze from the sea in height,

Washes his body with delight.

The breather of the azure island

Thinks about sea and land.

In that moment, alone and apart,

Empty of tumult in heart,

He takes a glance towards sun;

Shakes his body with fun;

Looks at tenuous colors of ray;

Sinks into deep water with gay.

Despite every one's prediction,

Whether or not they knew the fiction,

He remains in love, but raves.

He sleeps in the bottom of waves."

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~ 6- The End of Beginning

Dallas-

Even now after so many years, Saeid's fierce and dynamic eyes are piecing Hana through. She, who was relived of many things, can not forget those penetrating eyes. How young, handsome, intelligent, yet how sensitive and fragile he was! She remembers him when he fired up in discussion. She always thought he could make a good and natural teacher. The tender passage of their love has stayed Hana's secret; and except Behroz, nobody ever knew about it. This one, she always keeps next to her heart and will take it with her to grave.

Here in America, many people may laugh for the cause of this great tragedy; but what it means incomprehensive here was a normal way of life there. She thinks of the harsh way that land with its great history, which changed after Arabs takeover, who brought with them the harshest system of governing, had destroyed many others she loved. The suppressive way of custom and culture, practically had smothered many who wanted to rise above it, which it had left them not many choices. The narrow opinion were either to give in or to get out, or join the opposition parties and go against government, as Hana's brother van would do. Committing suicide had not been a common choice, nevertheless, when combining intelligence and sensitivity, the mixture would be sometimes a walking bomb- a bomb which would would be explode or explode itself. Remembering those tragic days, when she was not able even to mourn, takes her back to that deplorable discovery.

Tehran-

The long, ambiguous waiting, not knowing the future, and the excitement of being in love were so overwhelming for Hana that she did not remember the old Hana, who never wanted to get married, or have a relationship. She was always afraid of love between men and women. To her, those words were her parents' lives- hardworking, taking care of children and others, and misery. Nonetheless, all those mixed emotions did not stop her of thinking about next week when Saeid would return. Counting minutes for his reappearance, she was fighting with her uproarious soul to settle down. To answer the questions she often asked herself, she deeply inundated with a desperate sorrow. All nights and every night came to mornings of sleeplessness and puffy eyes; while the furrow between her eyebrows deepened even more. Long, boring days, alone in her closet- like room, brought her many thoughts of different events which marched in her mind. It seemed that she could not concentrate on anything but Saeid.

The night before Saeid's arrival, Hana thought only about tomorrow, a day of reckoning, a day that her destiny would be made, a day that she would either fall in Saeid's arms or would run away from him. She dueled with all her mixed emotions, as her dominating feeling wanted to be a young, attractive, vibrant woman, who seductively would dress to go to the airport to see her boyfriend and would make him to fall even more in love with her; and the weaker part of her wanted to stay home and hear the news of his arrival from Behroz. Tossing and turning in bed, she was convinced that she would go and she would dress enticingly and she would try to make him to fall more in love with her- that unforgiving love. Then she thought what would she wear to have that quality! All her clothes were extra conservative, and they made her look like grandma. They were just too lifeless with no character. She got up from bed and put the light on and began her search amongst her clothes which were hanging on a metal rack her mother had put in there, since she did not have a closet, and since her room, in fact, was a closet. She searched to find something decent that had a small touch of enticement in it. All her dresses that she loved before, now seemed to her boring, out of style, color, and allurement. The unsuccessful search took a long time. She even tried to mix and match something; however, she went back to bed disappointed and decided not to worry about it. "Saeid loves me for my mind and what he has seen in me not my clothes."

In the morning, after, all, she was herself, natural. She chose a dress with her eyes closed. It happened to be a yellow color dress, her favorite color, with jewel neck, short sleeves, full skirt, and a self made belt. She left home before everyone woke up. She did not want to answer the rain of questions would come her way. In the taxi, she looked at the familiar streets which now looked strange to her; while picturing and practicing the scene of their visit at the airport. He would probably be surprised to see her. He would perhaps feel good about it since her presence there would mean a positive sign. He would possibly think that Behroz had smoothed the path. Suddenly a thought made her to shiver. "What if his parents are there, too! Oh, I want that moment only for me." She frowned slightly. "I hide so his parents wouldn't be able to see me."

At the airport she looked at her watch. She did not know what to do in two hours before his plane would land. Looking at sad and happy faces of people who were leaving or arriving, separating or reuniting brought her a frivolity that she did not know any cure for it. The ambiance of sorrow, laughter, running children, wandering adults, and morning sun rays were beyond her apprehension. Drowning in her thoughts, she was not sure if she would stay or leave, she would face Saied or forget about all these and would tackle her goals. Sitting on a chair next to the big window, she felt the warmth of morning sun inside her body and a numbness ran in her that she was not familiar with its sensation. Closing her eyes, she felt that ecstasy inside her. It was a new, unknown tingling which took her to a room with large windows and red curtains. A queen size bed in the middle was covered with pink satin sheets which shined like glass. There, she was naked next to Saeid, who was kissing her lips. How expert he was. His kiss was deep and unforgivable. His hands searched all over her body as gently as he could do it. He was the first man who had ever touched her; and she found herself reciprocating. It was a fight without violence, a great commotion. Suddenly she mischievously dropped her defense and by doing that she made it possible for him to take away what she had learned to treasure the most, her virginity. Her shield was demolished by the irresistible curiosity to know what love making was all about and how it affected people. A restless fluid combined with blood was coming out of her while she was staring at their naked bodies. He peacefully and gently kissing her all over so she would not break like a glass. Quivering of that new, blissful experience, she opened her eyes and found herself in the airport terminal. An unbecoming pleasure made her to go to the rest room, and there she saw her wet under clothes for the thrill she had had in her dream. In front of the mirror, she noticed her red, feverish eyes; and then she knew why couples were staying together.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 6- The End Of Beginning

Kerman-

Waiting days to reach a fatigued love that seemed like a shadow of far bliss was more than Saeid's endurance. His days of practicing to become a sufficient soldier and nights of sleepless solitude were not absolute clarity to him. Ironically, what gave him a faded gleam of hope, instinctively, was not his future goals but it was Behroz's promising letter. A day off for other soldiers meant going to town from base, getting drunk, and perhaps even ending up with a prostitute before returning. For him a day off meant staying in barrack and pondering over his plans and problems. Reading books, once had been his best joy of life, seemed far from his poor concentration.

~~

It was a colorful autumn day when Behroz for the first time introduced him to his niece, Hana. She was only ten then; and her petite body made her look even younger than her age. They were in the big garden of Behroz's parents. Many children, he assumed belonged to neighbors, were playing or climbing trees. But Hana was sitting on a rocking chair on the balcony of the second floor that face the garden with a book in her hand. How old she looked at that first sight being so young! He was amazed and perplexed by her behavior. Why didn't she play with other children? She was all alone, far from everyone, on her rocking chair, and in the world of book she was reading. Before their game of soccer, he asked Behroz about Hana:

"Is your niece okay? How come she doesn't play with other kids?"

Behroz, smiling, shook his head. "She's been like this as long as I remember. She doesn't care for anything but reading books."

That memory was imprinted in Saeid's mind as his first impression. A tiny girl that did not care for anything but the fascinating world of books.

None of Behroz's family ever befriended his family. They had always looked down to them. Those bourgeois landlords owned many properties and most of that town's buildings belonged to Behroz's family.

Inside, where the blinds were drawn, in the darkness of the night, lying on his bunk, he remembered Behroz's father. He was the nicest in that family- a humble, considerate man. However, it was not him that ran the family's business but it was Behroz's older brother, Nabi, the brain of the family, who was in charge of everything. He thought Nabi was a cruel businessman, who had no mercy for the tenants and neighbors. He, who had become the keeper of the family's earnings, walked on dusty streets with his head up, chest blown, while having a light canvas shoes on, and had his hand locked in his back. When he passed, shopkeepers bowed of fear not respect. People, behind his back, called him, the king of parish. He knew about it and did not mind it and in fact liked it. Saeid recalled that even Behroz did not care much for his brother. Ironically, the power he had was earned through the weakness of others and his own ability to be a leader. His own family even feared and obeyed him.

The thought of Behroz's brother and his influence over the family, especially his sister, Hana's mother, frightened Saeid. Humiliation and rejection which had been the attitude of such family made Saeid to think more about going back home to try again with Hana.

As many families with young daughters or sons, Saeid's mother wanted him to marry her old friend's daughter. She had talked about that heavenly marriage so much that everyone believed that they would marry soon. Maryam was a nice and simple girl he could marry and have children with. A girl that did not expect much and had learned that the only duty of a wife was to be faithful and obedient, to bear children, and to endure whatever misery came her way. Hana would be a challenge- an intelligent, self educated young woman who would argue and disagree, and would have an opinion. He could marry Maryam to have a normal life, like his father; would perhaps take over his father's bakery, raise five children. He could be even unfaithful to his wife without objection occasionally. Or he could win the battle to win Hana's family and marry their opinionated daughter or niece, who did not believe that stifling culture and the way it treated the women. He just could not see himself go for the easy life with Maryam, even though that would be a big disappointment to her mother. He much preferred the audacity and excitement with Hana.

Pondering on his lonely bed, he could see the outcome of being with Hana- the constant humiliation and rejection by her family. On the other hand he could have the fervor of defying her, have many accomplishment for just being together, and above all the pure love they had for each other. However, in his vexed thinking, he found himself very weak to confront the majestic behavior of Hana's family specially Nabi, the decision maker. That infirmity opened his vision to a new solution. He knew those people very well. Even though Behroz had written to him to return, with an exhausted pride, he had a hard time to face that perfect embarrassment. Besides, if Behroz could do something, he did not have to give up Lida. At that moment, he did not feel sorrow, but a blind, directionless rage.

The walls of barrack moved as they wanted to suffocate him. It seemed he was the only breather in that world of weapons and solitude. Jumping down from his double bunk bed, he searched for a to tool to help him with a decision that was shaping in his mind. He found a screwdriver which seemed sufficient enough for the valiant act of opening a door, where the weapons were stored. There were many to choose from; but what made him to select that particular rifle was the similarity to one he had seen in a movie. The hero of that movie wanted it easy and fast; therefore, he assumed that rifle would be the best choice. Now before the return of everyone from their holiday, he needed to hurry and discover where the bullets were; since they never stored the loaded weapons. After opening four doors with he help of the screwdriver, he finally came across the bullets. To find the right one for that rifle, he had to open many boxes and suddenly he sighed of joy: "That is it!"

With the loaded rifle on his shoulder, he walked out of the building to the big compound of the barrack, where they practiced everyday. Far in a corner, there was an old whipping willow tree, very much like the one in his house. The branches were bent, as they did in his house, and they almost touched the ground. He sat there, leaning to the trunk of his favorite tree, imagining his home town, he had so many memories. That corner looked like his house. The image of his house assaulted him like an inconsolable sorrow. He caught a last glimpse of that compound, and as his eyes slowly became accustomed to the grimy shadows of the tree which were crowning him with the last joy, he looked at the dusky sky, where clouds piled upon each other, and down cast his eyes to the land which amazingly looked lucid. The reflection of Hana when she was ten years old enlightened his vision. Feeling fulfilled, he put the barrel into his mouth, as he had seen in the movie. His spirit and mind went blank; and only one word echoed in his mind, Hana. He put the stock of the rifle on the ground between his legs, and placed his toe in the trigger, just like the hero of the movie, and...

Dallas-

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 5- ### SOLITUDE

"My dearest friend, Behroz,

"Why did it take you so long to write me? I thought I never hear from you. As smart as you are, I knew that by now you have found out about Hana and me; and I was waiting for your interrogation. Yes, it is true. I love your niece; I love her innocence, her purity, her intelligence, and the earth she stands on it. I can't live in a city that she also lives. If I can't see her, talk to her, be with her, and tell her that how much I love her, my life would be a narrow stream that never finds a way to an ocean."

A roaring cry stopped Hana from reading. The flood of tears wet the letter and the blue ink of the words ran like a stream; the same stream that would never reach the ocean. She got up from the chair and walked a few steps to bed. Kneeling down on the floor with the letter now on the bed, she tried to look through window to the mystery of the night. Then she tried to console her roaring emotion. After a few minutes, she sat on the edge of Behroz's bed, and began reading the rest of the letter.

"You're offering me help! what kind of help can you give me and Hana while we both know how predigest your parents are. How can you make them change the attitude that had rooted in them from generations before them? Can you help us to run away? Do you want us to do such thing? I don't think so. You can't even help yourself. Remember Lida! How she had to get away because of the way your brother treated her.

"My empty life is full of activities. With sublime and abject moments, I stay busy all day and everyday; and take a journey to unknown all night and every night. My life is an exasperated silence and a fearful solitude. The day I decided to join the army, I wanted to keep it that way; but now with your insistence, I am going to try one more time. I want to share my life with Hana. Fearing a life of doubt and revelation, I'll come to Tehran in the middle of August for two weeks. If things work out the way you have promised, which I doubt it, I quit the army and stay; if not, I am not sure what I will do. What you've written me has given me a hallucinated lucidity. Hoping for clarity, I'll see you soon."

Hana kissed the letter so many times that it began looking like a dirty handkerchief. A narrow gleam of hope enlightened her tortured heart. Wishing for a miracle in the middle of August, she left Behroz's home without saying good-bye to him or to her grandparents. The crumbled letter, wet of her tears, remained on the bed.

Dallas-

"Mom, why are you crying?" Sam's small hand touches Hana's wet face. She, not being sure of her surroundings, hugs her son vehemently. How much she wishes that Saeid was his children's father.

Kerman-

In the barrack, lying down on his bed, Saeid thought about a hope that looked so far, so faded, and so unreal that caused him to cover his face with a nostalgic squeal. The distraught vision brought him the memory of a pure, untouched, and serene love. Then he joined hand with Hana by a bond that was more solid than love- a common edge of conscience. Suffering a delusion, he felt more fear than pleasure. Wondering in terror, he did not know how he had gotten to that abyss of abandonment. The torrential downpour for the past three days made him shudder with the evidence that time was not passing but it was turning in a circle. The insomniac nights had tortured his soul to think with exasperation about the indelible solitude then and days to come...

To Be Continued

Odyssey... <><> 5- Solitude

Dallas-

Behind the steamy window, Hana gazes into dark, searching unknown, or hoping to find an answer for the hollow life she lives. Analyzing her life, she realizes that she has lost her best friend and mentor, Behroz, she has deprived from her homeland, her soul has slipped our of her body, and she has not known love to a man since Saeid's...

Tehran-

At home, Hana was dried out. There were no more tears to be shed. She thought about Saeid far away constantly. She even thought about Lida, her uncle's love and someone she knew, even further, another country. Their inauspicious loves had made those two people to run away and leave a place that their lives had been full. Saeid had joined army, even though he had done his draft right after finishing high school. That meant he had picked a career that would always be away. He had gotten away from everything he adored. Lida had flown to Canada, other side of the world to recover form a bitter love. The last she heard about Lida, she was going to college and was engaged. In their neighborhood words always got around like dry Summer fire. Before, she had not connected Lida's going to Canada to her uncle. Now she knew. Hana felt guilty being the cause of Saied's disappearance; she could feel Behroz's grief as well.

Among the walls of her closet- like room, she felt stifled. She had no clue of what she should do; or how she could find peace within herself. On the moment of absolute exhaustion, and heat of the summer, she felt cold.

Some days later, Hana's parents insisted on her going to college. They knew that she was not only the smartest among their children but also the most motivated and disciplined one. Perhaps they wanted her to have what they never had enough of it, education. They have high hope for her. They always told each other: "If one of our kids can get college degree, it would be Hana." So her going to college was more like a dream of her parents, and she could not disappoint them. She reluctantly enrolled for the big exam prior entering the university (KONKOR). If she would be accepted, sitting in the classroom might bring her some peace. She took the KONKOR in mid Summer. Frustrated of waiting for the result that always was published in newspapers all over the country, she decided to go to Behroz's home and to participate in their "SECRET SOCIETY".

There, they talked about their usual philosophical discourse. Those three young men, who could not make a decision for their own lives, were trying to save the world. Now she laughed at them, even though at one point she was dying to be included. How foolish of her that then she had wanted so badly to be just like them. As none of them inevitably could decide for their own future, they talked about misfortunes of others and ways to save them. However, her reason for going there was to be near Behroz so if he had a letter from Saeid she would know it right away. In fact, she even did not know if Behroz had written to Saeid the letter he had promised to her he would write.

A month of full anxiety and waiting passed after revealing her secret to her uncle. As eager as she was to know about the outcome of their conversation, she was also very shy to ask Behroz anything. However one evening after Safa and Mehran left, she stayed and without thinking or lingering, so the shyness would not stop her, courageously she asked Behroz:

"Did you write to Saeid?"

"I did. In fact, today I received his letter. Do you want to read it?"

Hana overwhelmed by excitement and fear, got up from her usual chair, and sat back again, while feeling blood stopped flowing in her veins.

"Do you want to read it or you want me to read it for you?" Behroz asked her.

Hana's supplicant eyes was the answer to his question; therefore, he handed the letter to her. She put it on the desk and moved the chair so her back was to Behroz. Gazing at the discolored walls, she did not dare to look at it. Her cold hand on it felt the warmth of the one who had written it. Tears quickly rushed down her cheeks. Behroz understood her pain and put his hands on her shoulders and gently asked her if she wanted him to leave the room.

"Yes, please. " Her voice was barely audible.

Behroz left the room and closed the door behind him. She picked up the letter and held it next to her heart to feel the agony of Saeid; and then shakily began reading it through the mist of her eyes.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {}{} 5- Solitude

Dallas-

Interrogation is something Hana knows well. For every change of behavior, demeanor, or action she answered her dad, mom, uncle, husband, and children skillfully. She can not hide anything. Ironically one thing she has been able to keep it to herself- her true feeling. She has mastered this art within years because of hurt and betrayal that surrounded her. However she she has not that proficient at age seventeen, as she remembers it now. Her uncle, Behroz, could see that extreme disturbance in her face and conduct. Was it because she was not that expert to hide her feelings then, or was because Behroz and she almost grew up together and they knew each other very well? Now after all these years, it does not matter anymore. She is far from Behroz and even much further from Saeid. A separation that will never connect again. With a grievous heart, she buries her face in dark bosom of bed and conjures up Behroz's room, where interrogation took place.

Tehran-

Behroz paced the room back and froth, back and... After awhile he stopped in the middle of the room staring at Hana, who was drowned in her dire thoughts.

"Do you want to tell me?"

Hana shook by that question. She raised her head and looked at her uncle straight in the eyes.

"Tell you what!"

"Don't play with me. You know what I'm talking about!"

"No, I don't."

"Listen, Hana, I'm not stupid. I've known Saeid since we were kids; and you since you were born. I had my suspicion. tell me what is going on." His voice was becoming harsh which was not his natural way of speaking.

Hana panicked. She was nervous and horrified; and about to burst into tears. A drop of tear fell on her cheek and her eyes glistened. There was a mist before her eyes and words could not find a way to come out.

"Talk to me; I want to help you. I am your friend. You can trust me."

By now Hana let her emotion fill the room. There was no way to stop the unwanted tears. Her cry sounded like a loud roar; and the flood of the tears darkened the room for her. Behroz hugged her, and she put her head on his shoulder wrapping her arms around him, while finding comfort to discharge all those agony to her uncle and best friend.

"Oh, Behroz, I want to die. I hate life."

Behroz patiently let her to let go of all the suppressive feelings from her eyes while holding her for some time. His sympathetic fervor was not only for her but for their lives; and many other young people who lived in that society. When there was no more tears to be shed, he released her and stood back to look at her. Her eyes were red and swollen and her hair was messy. She sat at the edge of the chair, stared into space, as she did not see anything in that absolute bewilderment. Behroz, being worried, called her:

"Hana, are you feeling better now?"

She jumped up from the chair when she heard his gentle voice, as if someone had attacked her.

"Relax, I am safe. You've always trusted me!"

She began crying again, but this time a silent weeping.

"Oh, Behroz, what am I going to do?"

"We work out something. Do you trust me?"

"Yes, you're the only real family I have."

"I feel the same for you!"

"Oh, Behroz, help me. I am going crazy."

"Have you guys done anything?"

"What do you mean?" She knew what he meant, but she was shocked by that question.

"You know what I mean!"

"Oh, my God, Behroz, shame on you; how could you even... I swear..."

"Al right, all right, don't get angry. I had to ask. I believe you. Just tell me how long this was going on?"

"I don't know. I just woke up one day and envisioned my feeling for Saeid; and then I looked at him and I knew he felt the same for me. That is all."

"Did you two see each other secretly, I mean besides here?"

"Just once, the day I got my diploma."

"What happened?

"Nothing. We just walked for hours in silence; and he was angry, very angry. He even frightened me. He said he loved me, and he said our families never accept him; and then we went our separate ways."

"You know Hana, he was right. I don't think our family ever accept him. They've always put his family down. They even wanted me to stop being friend with him, but they couldn't. He is very intelligent man, the type that I like to associate with. I had to fight with Nabi to stay friend with him. Just give me some time. Let me see what I can do."

"No, Behroz, you can't do anything. He's gone and I will never see him again. I feel it."

"Don't be so negative. I go to his parents and ask for his address. Then I write a letter to him."

"What will you write?"

"That, I am not sure. Perhaps I ask him to come back. I tell him that I can help him."

"What kind of help? What can you do?"

"I don't know yet."

"You can't change our parents."

"I know, but I'll try. Meanwhile you don't talk to anyone about this."

"You know I won't."

"I think you better come back to our meeting like before. That will make you feel better; and besides I think the boys are suspicious. Your coming back take the guesswork out of the equation, and besides it makes you feel better. One more thing, I think you need to prepare yourself to take the "KONKOR" as it was your plan before. If you don't do that, again it creates suspicion."

"I don't know. I don't want to." There was a finality in her words.

"That is not acceptable even to me. You are the best student in the entire country; and no matter what happens, you must think about your future. You always wanted to go to university. Nobody says that you have to choose only one of them."

Hana waved her hands as the sign of uncertainty.

"Well, if you changed your mind, You know you can come. I promise it's good for you."

She wiped the reminder of the salty tears from her face and got up from the chair. Her body was bent like an old woman.

"Do you feel better now?"

"I'm not sure... You don't know how I feel!"

"Yes, I do. I know very well how you feel."

"How? You've never been in love!"

Behroz's eyes filled with tears and he sat on bed before striking Hana with his story.

"Yes, I have been in love."

Hana, who was caught by surprise, looked at him vehemently for a moment. She almost forgot her pain.

"Who? How come I didn't know about it?"

"Let's not talk about it."

"I told you mine; you must tell me yours!"

He got up and paced the room for awhile. Then he sat on his narrow bed which was covered by a blue and navy quilted bedspread. He began, almost nonchalantly, as though telling a story.

"Remember Lida?"

"Yes, of course. We went to the same school. She was two grades higher than me. I heard she went to Canada."

"That is right. You know her family are not as old fashioned as ours. We saw each other many times; until one day Nabi caught us by surprise in cinema. I think he had followed us because he is not a type to go to movies."

"What happened?"

"You know him. He practically dragged us out of there and then told Lida her that families are whores, her mother is a whore..."

"I don't believe it. Did uncle Nabi really say say those things?"

"Yes, he did. Lida was hurt so much that she told me if I don't do anything about it, she would never see me again. I tried to mend that horrible act of my brother, but it didn't work. I never saw her again."

"Oh, Behroz, I am so sorry. Did you try to see her?"

Yes, I did, but she didn't want to have anything to do with me. She wrote me a letter saying if I loved her I had to leave my family specially my brother. She said in her letter that she was going to Canada; and if I join her, we would marry there. But how could I? I needed money for getting my passport and visa and airplane ticket and other things; and there was no way I could get it since as you know, Nabi has hold of everything; even my share of money."

Now it was Hana's turn to console her uncle. She walked to him and put her hands around his neck.

"What is wrong with our families? Let's run away."

"Be reasonable, Hana. We can't run away from all these suppressive restrictions. They are fused to our souls. We just have to live and endure it."

"You sound like uncle Nabi."

"I may; but that doesn't make me like him. I fight him and the culture in my own way."

"How, what is your way? Teach me so I can do it, too."

"I don't know. Time will tell."

"I must go home now. Will you let me know?"

"Sure! comb you hair; and wash your face before leaving. You're a mess."

Hana hugged her uncle; and Behroz kissed her on the cheek.

"Let us stay friends, no matter what!"

"We will."

"Thanks," She said before leaving.

"Don't thank me now. I haven't done anything yet."

Dallas-

To Be continued