In the mist of the blue air and civilized environment of Dallas, Hana's thoughts are divided between either becoming a free woman by breaking old habits, or staying a prisoner forever. The idea of being unconfined is so tempting that she begins hallucinating about things she will do if she gains that liberty. After some time of deliberation, she comes to conclusion that probably she will not change her life style at all; except she will have eternal peace which is taken away from her. What scares her the most is her sons' well being if she breaks up with Hamid completely. They may accuse her in future for her separation from their father. Lost in her uproarious emotions, she wonders if they ever blame her for that. How can it be? Can't they see their father's cruelty to them and her? Can't they see his irresponsibility? Even more frightening thing is that Hamid will never leave them alone as long as they live, divorced or not divorced! He may even take the children from her which is common law in Muslim culture. Exasperating, she discerns that all the ifs, whys, and logic are only excuses. He can't take the children since they don't live in Iran anymore. All the other excuses are only her own habit and fears. Divorce is never sweet; nevertheless, she sadly discovers a shocking truth about herself. Even though she hates Hamid, she does not want a divorce. She is used to living with him and taking abuse from him so much that getting a divorce is like starting all over again from the young age not this age that she is in. Lila, her other- self, the other day called her masochistic. The startling actualization shivers her all over; and she wishes to have more wisdom or to talk to an expert to know the reason for the way she is. She even yearns to bring out her other self- self, Lila, to life. Maybe she can help her. But recently she has a hard time to do so. Conjuring up, dreaming, and reminiscing may assist her to discover the basis for her weak personality.
Tehran-
When Hana met Hamid for the first time in Fery's home, he looked handsome and well dressed. He was thin, not very tall, with light brown hair, black, thick eyebrow, and very light hazel eyes. His nose was not straight; and Hana would find out later that it was broken in a fight. In the meeting, Fery, her brother, Hamid and Hana were present. She was not sure if she could trust those people for Van's sake, but Fery assured her.
She started telling the story of her brother's disappearance from the beginning. First, she was stammering and her voice was weakened by the magnitude of that tragic story; but gradually, as she felt stronger, a vehement enthusiasm brightened her eyes and her voice became stronger. Fery, who for the first time heard the story entirely was crying. Her brother was sadly looking to an unknown place; but Hamid was full of attention and did not show any emotion.
Hana stopped talking suddenly, as though she was reading a story from a book and there was nothing else left to be read. She had reached the last page of the book. She gazed somewhere far, as though she was searching for her brother. The deadly silence was finally broken by Hamid:
"Maybe I can help you. My uncle is an army officer. He used to work for Savak but not anymore. He still has a lot of friends there. We go and see him."
"Why did your uncle leave Savak?" Hana, curious asked.
"He couldn't stand it anymore. He never told us anything about it. All he said when he left Savak was that I must lose my soul to continue working here." Hamid was telling the truth.
A delicate gleam of hope enlightened Hana's heart. She could not stand anymore her mom's suffering and the extensive turbulence like an angry ocean in her house. Her eyes filled with tears and a few drops ran on her cheeks.
"When can I see your uncle?" She asked Hamid.
"I must call him and then I let you know. Let me have your phone number. I call you."
Hana wrote the number on a piece of paper Fery gave her and handed it to Hamid.
"My mom like to see your uncle, too; if it is possible."
"I'm not sure about that. My uncle doesn't like to advertise his connection with Savak; but I see to it."
Going back home, she tried to be optimistic. Any door or link might bring a light. But what if the door opened to the dark. She convinced herself to be positive. With that attitude, she excitingly told her mom the story. Gol, a woman, now in her mid thirties, with all gray hair, looking like an old woman, stared at her daughter through her dull eyes; which at one point had been shiny and full of life, and did not say anything.
The next morning, being Friday (a holiday in Iran), Hana decided to stay in her closet- like room longer than usual. She lingered in her bed, while its softness reminded her how tired she was. She thought, fell asleep, dozed, opened her eyes, and just felt too lazy to get up. She forcefully opened her eyes to look at the time- it was ten o'clock. She closed her eyes again. A knock on her door made her to jump. Gol came in without waiting for Hana's response.
"A man is on the phone. He wants to talk to you."
Hana leaped from bed and ran all the way downstairs to the hallway and picked up the phone. It was Hamid, the young man she had met in Fery's home yesterday.
"We are going to visit my uncle this afternoon at four o'clock in a tea shop on Phalavi Street. He doesn't want to see you in his house; you know for security reason."
Hana did not have to write the address. That tea shop was a very known place for the students of the University of Tehran. She, herself, had been there many times with her friends. Gol, standing next to her, did not allow her to tell her who was on the phone.
"Who was he? What is going on?"
"I told you yesterday. He is Fery's brother's friend. His uncle maybe help us. I am going to see them this afternoon."
"I don't want you to see two strange men alone. I go with you."
"Mom, stop it. I'm grown now. I can take care of myself."
"You think you're grown, but you're not. You just can't go alone, can't..."
As a blinding anger was filling Hana, she tried very hard to control it and said:
"Mom, his uncle wants to see me. He is doing us a favor. This is too dangerous. You may show emotion. I was the one who found out about Van's venture and then his arrest. I'm taking care of all of you. I think I'm capable to take care of myself."
That was the end of the conversation. Gol did not speak to Hana the rest of the day and acted hurt; nonetheless, when Hana was leaving the house for her appointment, Gol ran after her.
"I am so sorry honey. I don't know what will I do without you."
"I'm sorry, too, mom. I shouldn't have spoken that way to you."
Gol Hugged her daughter and blew out some prayers after she left.
Dallas-
To Be Continued
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