To Hana's dismay, growing dread that fills her days, accentuates the conspicuous nothingness. The dazzling power of remembering that tragic time looms indistinctly like a mist; and she still scolds herself. As her age progresses and her face begin to wither, the blame inside her every existing cells becomes greater and more unbearable. Somehow she has learned to live with it as though that remorse is a very important part of her body. Not being able to talk about it to anyone did not help the massive tribulation and anger which was burning her from inside out; and drying her like a parched soil. In her distracted hallucination, she is exasperated by a life that has to be lived and responsibilities that must be met.
Then she remembers the cruel people around her who responded to the piteous death of that young flower so indifferently that she wished to kill them all. As frightened as she is of Hamid, her husband, to find her writing, she had this strong need to write. She wants to write a poem about those days. "I can destroy it after writing it." she says it to herself.
I reflect the feelings of yesterday;
I was young and had no dismay.
Schools and other things were in my mind,
Not the sorrow that today I find.
Yesterday's thoughts make me feel,
A vicious sadness hard to deal.
I think of the one who possessed my heart;
Our destiny rules us to part.
I can't forget that handsome face;
Nor how he took his life for my disgrace.
I said my farewell with desperate rave;
For I wasn't allowed to say it at his grave.
~~
That night moon had only a wan light.
My face reflected a dark shadow of fright.
I stood in deadly silence to hear,
Any sympathizing word about my dear.
But no one knew, no one did care;
That we had promised each other to pair;
That we didn't want to part.
Such was our love, so certain in heart.
Now I think of those limited days;
How sweetly they burned me with blaze.
Hard days have come, hard days had gone;
And I always for those days long.
Tehran-
The news of Saeid's death did not reach Hana's family right away, while she instinctively knew something was terribly wrong. Her dreams never lied to her. Two weeks later her father casually mentioned what he had heard. "You know Saied, Behroz's friend, I heard he has committed suicide." Father said those words as though he was talking about the death of a bird or a cat or a tree. All Hana's vain hopes disappeared by that odd statement of her father. Suicide, not being a normal or pleasant word in their vocabulary, was translated to an act of weakness and cowardliness specially among men; but not to Hana. She knew that many great people in world had committed suicide. She did not believe that killing oneself is an act of debility.
Summer was almost over, while she never participated in their SECRET SOCIETY anymore. She refused to see Behroz since she did not want any sympathy from him. What could Behroz tell her to ease the tremendous guilt that was blooming in her heart? She learned to live in dark and away while being in light and among. It was just like twilight which always ambiguous between dark and light. End of Summer meant starting school; and she who had already passed with highest honor the over crowded, difficult exam (KONKOR) for entering the university, was looking forward to get away from home without being questioned.
To Be Continued
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