JUDAS KISS- THIRTEEN- Lost in Thoughts ☯ ☫ ☤ ~

Helen thought about going back to work! She contemplated no matter how Steve responded and tried to stop her, she would do it! She yearned to work. Work would become her salvation! She figured that in a little while Elizabeth would be four years old, meant that she would go to prekindergarten in late August. Chris was already one year old, meant by the time that Elizabeth would begin her school, he would be one and half. Surely she could use one or more of their neighbors from their neighborhood group to babysit Chris. After all she had babysat their children for different reason for the last two years more than any other neighbor! She considered if she would only teach two or three courses, that would be only half a day work.

However darkness had fallen over everything she knew or touched. She had two beautiful children, a exquisite home, a very handsome and successful husband in other women's eyes, yet she was in so dire misery, in so much darkness! If she would write a story about her life, people would think that it was just a story not an autobiography!

But just because of this seclusion and isolation, she felt that the only hope which could guide her through the blind obscurity was a profession! She needed to work and she longed to clutch to it and to cling to it with all aptitude she could glean!

She made up her mind to talk to Steve when he came home and to discuss her desire for going back to work without any fear or weakness. If she could be as unafraid as she had been at the beginning of their marriage, everything would work!

The human resources of the college she had taught only three semesters had already given her okay for hiring her back. They really liked her. The students she had had, still talked about her.

Steve came home Wednesday night. She never knew when he would arrive! Sometimes he came Wednesday night, sometime Thursday morning. He used to call her and let her know; but lately he neither called her during his working days, nor called her to let her know when he was coming home. A few times that Helen tried to call him, he did not answer her messages.

Helen thought to herself: "What's going on with him? Is he finally getting tired of

me?" He had always told her that he was in love with her even when they fought. A suspicion began forming in her soul! Suddenly she became distrustful and wary of his recent behavior! He always cared and because of that, they always fought. Now it looked like that he did not care. They did not fight much except when he was drunk and took her without her consent!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- THIRTEEN- Lost in Thoughts ☯ ☫ ☤

She was thinking about Jacob a lot lately. She needed a friend, someone from past that knew her and loved her and recognized her repeated headaches and heartaches! But wasn't it right to just show up at the law firm and say that she wanted to see Jacob? She thought not. She read in the obituary of the news paper

about six months ago that Mrs. Holland, Jacob's mother- in- law had died of cancer. She hated to admit that one day Mr. Holland, Melisa's father would die, too, and law firm would be Jacob's and his wife's since their son had a life sentence in prison.

Helen thought that no one in this world had her problem! She looked back at her life. Since age eight, when her father had begun coming to her room, till now that she had passed age thirty, she did not remember a day that she was not afraid or unhappy or miserable! The only period that she had felt happiness was the short time that she had a relationship with Jacob!

Every person who would be abreast down to the last aspect with all the convolutions and adversities of unravelling them up, would be abnormal to herself, one never would assume other people were also surrounded by just as perplexing and arduous array of individual and secluded occurrence as hers!

When she worked as a teacher, it seemed as if an escape from this haunted life. She used to feel that without her teaching, life would be too gloomy and despondent! Now she felt that she needed to work so life might be uniformly and monotonously aglow!!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- THIRTEEN- Lost in Thoughts ☯ ☫

Aggravated Steve put the baby, with his arms still stretched towards his mother, in Helen's arms. Chris became

quiet immediately. How strange that Helen had made Steve a father twice against her will, and the children picked her to love! Of curse they loved their father, too; specially Elizabeth! But Mama was their world! No one was there to tell this man that love of the children for their mothers was such a natural phenomenon; that their mother spent all her time with hem; that mothers knew every aches and pains of them; that mothers knew every joy and sorrow of them! Helen was the one who took them to the doctor, who knew exactly when was time for their vaccine, their checkups. She let them play, taught them to share, to socialize, and to be good with other children in their neighborhood's afternoon gathering. She was their God, and they were her life.

Steve was never home. He would be home only for three days. Lately he had gotten into the habit of going out to bars with his male friends, that was what he claimed. He would not come back home until midnight when the children were already in bed, sleeping; and Helen pretended to be sleep. Nonetheless, he was drunk! He had no consideration for Helen, who had all day taken care of the children and the house.

He, being drunk, always threw himself on bed; but this act was not because he was drunk, but because he wanted to hurt Helen, He did not care that how he annoyed her by this act specially since he did not know that she was not asleep. He almost without a doubt had her forcefully! She hated the smell of alcohol mixed with smoke. He knew it; therefore insisted on prolonging his kisses on her mouth. Even in his drunkenness, he knew that she did not want him. He would slapped her face; tore her night gown; and once that she tried to run out of the room, he got hold of her long, golden hair and pulled them so hard that by the time Helen was able to release herself from his claws, a whole bunch of her hair stayed in his hand!

A weary feeling of despondency at her own isolation, her being without friend, her alienation from this world overshadowed her entire world. She needed to do something and do it fast! She was afraid that one day he would kill her in one of these rages he displayed! On the other hand, he had told her more than once that if she ever talked to anyone about their personal life or thought about divorcing him, he would kill her and the children and then himself. She truly believed him. He had his collection of guns along with all his medals from his service in Vietnam in the safe. She knew where the safe was; it was right there in the study. She had tried all kind of combination that made sense to her, but was not able to figure it out! She recalled how she had learned the combination of the safe in Roger's house! But this safe was not hidden. it was right there. Everybody could see it. But every time he was in that room, he locked the door from inside and closed all the drapes. Not even once he made the mistake that Roger had made. Helen was sure that if she ever opened the safe, she would find the papers with the identity of the couple who had adopted her first born, the son that Jacob had fathered!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- THIRTEEN- Lost in Thoughts ☯

In love, there would be no such thing as more or less! Helen loved her children; she could not say that she loved her daughter with one kind of love and her son with another! But she also loved her first born, the son of Jacob, whom she had never even had a glimpse of! He would be four years old soon, she thought. "Is God punishing me for the murder of Mark with the Roger's hand and because of me? Is he punishing me that I didn't tell Jacob that we had a son together, and perhaps gave him the opportunity to raise his son?"

Christopher was a calm child, nothing like Elizabeth, much easier than her. Helen had much more peaceful time to breastfeed him. He would suck on her breast with his hungry eyes! He became mommy's boy from the moment he was born. "Oh, if I had not caught by Steve and went ahead with abortion, how terrible I would feel now?!"

Although Steve was happy that they had finally had peace at home, he did not like the fact that the children, specially Elizabeth had become much closer to Helen than him. He kind of accepted Chris's attachment to his mother, since he was a baby and Helen was nursing him. However he had recalled the days that Elizabeth ran to meet him at the door when he came home from his three or four days work. Now she was always in the nursery with mommy and little Chris. That was how she called her little brother!

Helen knew as long as she nursed Chris, she would not get pregnant, even though her doctor told her that there was always possibility of getting pregnant while nursing. However, she did not want to be tricked by Steve again! There was this new thing which was called IUD. When Chris was six months old, she went to a doctor, a different gynecologist, someone that had never seen her, so Steve would not find out about it. She had the doctor to implant an IUD in her uterus. She still had a lot of money left in her little black bag. She did not have to use the money that Steve gave her for the household expenses. She did not have to use her real name or her insurance. This secret she would keep for herself for ever!

Her connection with her children was so strong and beyond measure that she had a hard time to share them with Steve when he was home! She told herself once:

"Some women love their men for their depravities, I hate mine for his goodness!!"

Steve began showing his true jealousy and disgust towards Helen. He blamed her for lack of interest of his children towards him. Once he picked up Chris. Suddenly he began crying so loud and out of control that Helen ran from the kitchen.

"What did you do to him?" She asked him.

But before he was able to answer, Christopher raised his little arms towards his mother and said: "Mama, mama!" These were the first words he had ever spoken! It was sudden and unexpected. He was about eight months old now and compare to Elizabeth, Helen thought that he was slow in saying words like Mama, or Dada!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- Twelve- Another One? ☃ ▼ ✖ ☏ ☗ ☯

... she could drive herself back home.

"I think about that part of

it later!"

She knew the passionate entreaty of the baby inside her womb would play game with her soul and mind and later would make her feel guilty; but she was determined to go through with it. Nonetheless, the entire weekend she thought only about her baby, who would be parting from life Monday by her hand!

"I'm not giving it any chance! It is so unloved! My poor baby! I wouldn't do it if it wasn't Steve's baby, too!"

She perhaps would keep the bay if Steve had not switched her pills! All she was thinking this weekend was revenge! to get even with Steve, she did not know by killing the baby, she would kill her soul even though Steve had switched her pills. "I got to get even with him!!" But she was also thinking about her baby, about a living thing that she wanted to kill.

Joy and sorrow, tenderness and triumph followed each other like the confused thoughts of an insane person; and they disappeared like the emotions of a crazy woman, as quickly as they had come!

Finally Sunday evening came. Steve said his goodbye. He was in a good mood. He was kind and cheerful. He kissed his wife and Elizabeth and got into his taxi which was taking him to the airport. It was always the same taxi that took him and brought him back.

Monday morning came. Helen took Elizabeth to her neighbor's house.

"Thank you for taking care of her. I'll be back by noon."

"Are you okay, Helen? You act strange! You're so pale!"

"Why do you ask? I'm fine, just fine!"

She pretended that she was driving her car. So after dropping Elizabeth, she went back home, raised the garage door, and drove her car . She parked her car in the next street, in the parking lot of grocery store. The taxi was waiting for her; she got into it.

In front of the doctor's office, she got out of the taxi; for some unforeseen reason, she had the feeling that someone was watching her. Was it real or her imagination? She inspected all around herself before getting into the building. There was no one outside. Her fear was unfounded. She opened the door and went inside the waiting room. A woman was the only one sitting in the waiting room. She saw a man was getting coffee. His back was to her. He was wearing a khaki pants with a worn out snickers and a plaid shirt. He had a baseball cap on. Helen assumed that he was the woman's husband, or boyfriend. She sighed, then signed her name in the small window which the receptionist was behind it. Then she sat, picked up a magazine and began looking at it. The man turned around with his coffee. Helen was drowned in her thoughts while turning the pages of the magazine. He came and sat next to Helen.

"How are you my sweet Helen?"

The man was Steve! How did he know? Helen never found out!

On February 12, 1972, Helen gave birth to a boy. Steve named him Christopher John. Helen liked that name. For a reason unknown to her, she fell in love with her son right away!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- Twelve- Another One? ☃ ▼ ✖ ☏ ☗

The next day, right at eight in the morning, she called the doctor's office and was able to get an appointment for the same day. Her nightmare was not without

reason. The doctor told her that she was six weeks pregnant. He told he that her due date would be mid February of the next year, just a few months before Elizabeth's third birthday. She would still be twenty nine and Steve thirty. His plan of having another child before they would turn thirty one had worked!

She came back home feeling devastated! Her neighbor, who was taking care of Elizabeth while she was gone to the doctor, asked her:

"What is wrong Helen? Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

So her despondency showed in her face and demeanor. She decided that for the present time, she would say nothing to anyone!

Wednesday night Steve came home. He was happy for no apparent reason, whistling! Elizabeth ran to him:

"Daddy, daddy...!" Steve picked her up and rained her with kisses and gave her the doll he had bought her from the gift shop in Paris Airport. Then he hugged Helen, held her in his arms for a while and prolonged his kiss on her lips!

"Are you pregnant yet?"

Helen wished she had a way to either kill him or herself! She tried very hard not to loose her composure:

"Not yet!" The way she said this was exactly the imitation of the way he had asked the question.

"Well, I guess I have to call the doctor to find out about it!"

Helen shook. Her heart palpitated!

"Go ahead!"

But he did not! And besides Helen had gone to a different doctor and had paid cash.

She had three days of hell until Steve left again on Sunday night. The teaching of her Catholic fate forbade her of having an abortion. Besides it was then illegal to have an abortion. On the other hand, she wanted desperately to abort this baby if for nothing, for getting even with Steve. She even found a doctor who would do it before she was twelve weeks pregnant. She still had her own money in the little black bag. She did not have to ask Steve for money. The question was would she be able to go through it? Any which way, she had to make a decision fast. She had to set an appointment for perhaps next Monday. Steve always left on Sunday night and returned on either Wednesday or Thursday morning. If she had an abortion on Monday, she would be completely recovered by the time Steve would return.

That entire weekend, while trying to act normal, she was only thinking about this issue. Finally she decided that she would do it. When Steve was out Friday morning with Elizabeth to buy her toys she wanted, Helen called the doctor's office who did the illegal abortion. They told her to be there at eight in the morning. They gave her instruction not to eat anything after eight o'clock the night before; and someone should be with her since she could not drive herself back home!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- Twelve- Another One? ☃ ▼ ✖ ☏ ☗

This was a new intensity! Helen felt conscious of herself, from the shaking of her legs, to the heaving of her

lungs and heart as her breath was laboured, and her lips twitched. Again, once more a darkness was upon her; but because of this gloom which she had predicated it would come, she felt that one thing which could guide her through this isolation was for her to work! She had already gone and talked to the Human Resource of the college she had taught only three semesters; and they told her that they would hire her back anytime she was ready to come back. She wanted to clutch to this one opportunity she had with all her might! But now in this horrible night everything suddenly changed, everything shattered!

Steve left Sunday night for his job. The first thing she did after his leaving, was to investigate her birth control pills. When he was home in the last three days, he watched her constantly. He did not left her alone even for a minute.

"How stupid am I?" She told herself. It was obvious that the pills were changed. "When am I going to have peace at last?" She said that in her speaking mind! Had he told her the truth that for the last three months she was taking placebos, there was a great possibility that she could be pregnant. She was never a type of a woman to write down or remember the first day of her period. She tried very hard to recall when was it that she had her last period?

Finally she recalled that for Elizabeth's second birthday, when they had had a pool party, she was period. That was a month and a half ago. She conjured up that day she did not put her bathing suit on. She always had heavy and painful periods. She recalled that she had taken pain medicine that day and for the evening party she did not drink. Steve's sister asked her that day, she remembered:

"Don't you want to get into the water?"

Now it was middle of July. She was definitely late. Oh, God, not again! She had to be pregnant.

"Oh Lord, no, no!" She could not wait for Monday morning to call the doctor!!

To Be Continued

Judas Kiss- Twelve- Another One? ☃ ▼ ✖

"No, no, Steve! I'm tired of staying home. I want to go back to work! are you going to begin your old, nasty ways? Go ahead, do it. I don't want children anymore!"

Steve again was

walking back and forth the length of the bedroom; his hands locked in his back. Suddenly he stopped; facing her! his face contorted in a grimace of pain, yet deception!

"Too late, my sweet wife! I knew how you're going to behave. Let me tell you what I've done. I changed your pills with placebo. They are the same color and shape. That is what you've been taking for the last three months my beautiful Helen!"

Her stoic face did not change for a long time; yet she said with a voice almost hard to hear:

"So that was the reason for our good relationship in the past several months!? And how the hell could you do that?" She lit a cigarette. Anger brought tears to her eyes.

"No, that wasn't the reason for our not fighting. I told you that I've forgiven you for being a whore, for giving your body to other men when I was fighting for our country; but I can not forget. I want a son or a daughter, doesn't matter! And how did I do it? Very easy! Money buys everything. I know this pharmacist. He served under me when we were in Vietnam. He sold me the placebo. I paid a hefty price for them!" He stopped talking and took a deep breath and then began again:

"And about working, you can't go back to work! I make enough money. In fact I make good money. I don't want you ever work! I am your husband and you must listen to me! End of story!"

The feeling of hatred that seemed dead in her, revived more and more; it sprang out and took possession of her heart. A weary feeling of wretchedness at her isolated life, her staying home and being inactive, her alienation from this world shadowed her aura!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS Kiss- Twelve- Another One? ☃ ▼

... Steve continued:

"May be I shouldn't have said it that way! I meant that we're finally at peace! You've made a mistake; not a good one though, I might add! Many men could never forget or forgive something like this; but I've tried very hard to forgive you!

Still I have a very hard time to forget it! But I guess I have to live with it."

He looked at Helen to see the effect of his little speech and then turned his back to her and began walking again.

"I Have loved you all these years; that is why I've never thought about leaving you..."

"Please get to the point!" She interrupted him. She was not sure where his intention was with this little petty lecture of his.

"You just broke the train of my thought. I've been getting myself ready to talk with you for a long time! Okay you want me to get to the point, so I will. I want another child! Elizabeth is two years old now. I want to have another one before we turn thirty one. We need to hurry though." He stopped walking at this point, took a look at Helen, who was still sitting on bed with the sheet wrapped around her. He hesitated for awhile. Helen thought that he was finished with his trifling speech. But suddenly he began walking and talking again:

"Well, I know you take birth control pills. I want you to stop taking them. I want a son! Then my life will be complete!"

Helen, at this moment, could not bear him. She began despising him again for the very thing he was proud of and that part of him that was narcissistic and egotistic, his highly- unyielding mannerism and disposition and prudent disrespect and disdain for everything crude and profane. She wondered: " Was he like this always or military and war made him this way?" But then she remembered even during their courtship before he had gone to Vietnam, he was always contemptuous towards women!

Her whole face suddenly assumed the solemn immobility of a dead. That expression did not change through the time Steve put his clothes on. Then he put more lights on. She was still naked with the sheet wrapped around her, sitting at the edge of bed with her legs hanging and shaking. She was thinking of more than a year of hell she had gone through with Elizabeth from her birth to the time that they had bought the house! Now finally she had become a loving child. Helen wanted to go back to work when Elizabeth was three years old and she could send her to prekindergarten!!

To Be Continued

Judas Kiss- Twelve- Another One? ☃

If nothing in the past year brought Elizabeth and Helen together, this house did. The child began acting calmer, kinder, and more reasonable towards her mother! Now she came to her bed every morning. She jumped on her bed and wrapped her fat arms around Helen's neck and rained her mom with kisses. Now she preferred her mother even to her dad when he was home. Helen thought it was a miracle; Steve was happy, yet jealous; and Elizabeth was just a little child that began loving her mother!

Helen joined the neighborhood group. They were mostly young mothers like her, who stayed home with their children. Their husbands were mostly very successful business men, lawyers, or ... They would get together two or three times in the afternoons, before dinner time. Children played with each other! Mothers became good friends, and sometimes even close friends. They helped out each other with baby sitting if one of the mothers had something to do, or had a doctor appointment or even wanted to go shopping without her child or children! Elizabeth loved their two to three times a week afternoon gathering of children and mothers. Their house was used more than others since they had a pool. That pool had become the center of fun in summer time for mothers and children!

Helen began feeling good about her life. She was happy somewhat. Now she loved her daughter. Every time she held her, Elizabeth's eyes flashed of content and happiness. She touched her mother's shoulders with both hands and looked straight into her mother's eyes, that now luminance and life had come back to them. Her look at her mom was intense, loving, piercing; it did not look like a look of a two years old child!

It seemed though as light had returned to Helen's life! All varieties, all the charms, all the beauties of life were now made of radiance and rarely of shade. Steve's weekends were now calmer, less demanding, more of kindness, and less of hatred! Helen's relaxed mood brought back her true beauty both physically and spiritually! She was now more welcoming to their love making.

It was in one of these weekends that Steve told her after a satisfying intimacy:

"Honey, I think I've punished you enough for your sin!" Then he stopped and looked at her to see what kind of impression he had left. Her eyes were closed! She opened her eyes suddenly in a way as though a big lightening had just hit her. Her face contorted. She turned her face; thought to herself: "Not again!" As she was opening her mouth to say what was in her mind, Steve put his forefinger on her mouth, meant to be silent and continued himself:

To Be Continued

JuDAS KISS- Eleven- Home, Sweet Home ☗ ✔ ☁ ☗ ☖ ✗

They moved to the home slowly. It took them two months to be settled completely in their own home. It was, however, organized and

decorated for Elizabeth's first birthday. Steve wanted to have a very elaborate birthday party for her. So he did. He decided on almost everything without consulting with Helen; from the list of the guests, to the kind of foods, to the cake and decoration on it. He hired a caterer for both afternoon party for the children and the evening party for adults. It was a combination of a birthday party and an open house. His parents, sisters, and one brother with their spouses and children all came. All the guests were his friends or related to him. Helen did not have anyone to invite. She though about inviting some of her old friends from college but Steve said no:

"You have nothing to do with those people anymore. It is not necessary."

Helen got to meet many people she did not know they even existed in her husband's life. It was the first time some of his family members saw Helen and Elizabeth! They all admired Helen's beauty. He had bought a dress for her for this event without even taking her with him shopping. This dress was for the evening party. It was a hot red long, fitted dress, all beaded, and strapless. It showed Helen's beautiful figure. It had a long slit at the left side of the skirt that almost came to the top of her thigh. Helen took the dress to a tailor to hem it since it was too long.

"I like to bring the slit lower; and use the extra fabric from hem to put some straps. This dress is so revealing!"

Steve looked at her with his hateful eyes and said:

"That is why I bought it. Don't you dare to change the style of it. It shows the real you; the woman who had sex with another man while I was dodging bullets and serving our country."

Helen almost cried when she put the dress on. He told her that she must wear her hair down. Her hair now was long again with the natural luster and shine that it always had. He forced her to wear heavy make up.

"Oh, my God, what is he doing to me? He really wants to show me as a whore!" Of course, these words never left her lips!

The party was a success. All his friends and family liked Helen in spite of the fact that his plan was to show her as a loose woman. It was not her dress or make up that made them to like her, but it was her natural way of speaking and acting which showed an educated, decent wife and mother, that made all Steve's friends and family to adore her. Steve plan of showing her as a bad woman, did not work; in fact it worked the opposite of what he had planned.

The house had four bedrooms, two living rooms, a big dinning room, and a breakfast room which was attached to the bright, and big kitchen. They had a big yard with pool, lots of trees and flowers. Steve's schedule was still the same, three to four days of work and the rest of the week, at home. Helen tried to get over her hurt of the way Steve had bought the house; and began decorating the house the way she liked. She forced herself to like the house; after all it was a beautiful home in a good location. She enjoyed the pool the days that Steve was not home.

Elizabeth was much calmer now in this house, as though she knew that her dad had bought the house for her comfort. Nonetheless, Helen still loved her first child, the son of Jacob, a son that she had never even had a glimpse of. He was the son of a man she loved! The tragedy of giving her son for adoption without even having a glimpse on him, weighted on her heart all the loves that were never satisfied, like love of her mother, father, a man, and ...!

She lived in a beautiful home with a husband, who had been a veteran, who was a pilot, with a beautiful daughter. Now Steve was socializing every weekend with friends and families. They were six families; therefore, every six weeks the party was in their house. He was forcing her to act as a happy wife and mother. She was the cause of envy for the other five women in these parties! But she envied all of them. She desired Jacob, Jacob only, and their son together!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- Eleven- Home, Sweet Home ☗ ✔ ☁ ☗ ☖

Before Elizabeth's first birthday, they bought a house in North Dallas in a very good location and neighborhood. The house was on Inwood road, a little south of Walnut Hill Street. Steve used the excuse of the baby, and went alone

house shopping. He never took Helen with him to look at the houses with the real state agent. He never even told her that he was looking for a house. He picked up the house himself without Helen even seeing it. The lady, who was his agent, questioned him:

"Don't you want your wife to see the house before you put a deposit on?"

He laughed before getting into the car and answered her:

"She'll see it soon. We have a small child. It is hard with the baby to drive around the town to find the right house!!"

So Helen never saw the house until the day that they closed it after three weeks that he had already put the deposit on. Because of the community property law in Texas, he had almost no choice but to buy the house in both of their names. After they were done with the signing all the paper works, Helen still was not sure that how much he had put down, or how much their monthly payment would be, or what the house cost! He had arranged everything before he took her to the title company for signing. All Helen had to do, just sign and put her initials in places that they showed her.

After they finished in the title company and got the key of the house, Steve took her to the house they just had bought. They walked around in every room, and every closet. Steve almost played the role of a real state agent and told Helen about different area, the age of the house; he showed her a hidden area under the floor of master bedroom closet for hiding valuables!

She had a hard time to keep her tears from falling down her face. She was so offended of the way they had become homeowners that she was completely speechless to admire the beautiful house Steve had bought. She could not say to her husband:

"I really can't bear you; I despise you for the things you do, for the things you're proud of, that conceited part of you, your egotism, your highly strong- idiosyncrasy, and your disdain and disregard for everything and for me! You have no concern for anyone but yourself! You're coarse and I am earthly!"

But of course she never said these words. To answer Steve's question, "What do you think?", she quietly answered: "It's fine!"

He said: "Just fine! I kill myself working and making money and you say it is fine! When do you learn to be a little thankful for what you have?"

Helen almost found the situation ripe for a fight:

"It's a beautiful home! But I didn't know anything about it till today! What kind of married life do we have? Do you call this partnership?"

Steve, who was holding Elizabeth in his arm, put her down on the floor. Helen thought that he was going to hit her, but he did not. Anger blazed in his eyes. Helen picked up Elizabeth, who by now was screaming and crying. Nevertheless, she continued her cry. She wanted to either die herself or see him dead!

"What do you want from me? The house is yours, too; even though you don't deserve it. I am not home half of the time. This is for you and Elizabeth. What do you want from me you b...?"

Helen moved a few step back. Her throat was dry and she thought she would chock to death. She had a hard time to breathe. The child in her arm would not stop her screaming!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- Eleven- Home, Sweet Home ☗ ✔ ☁ ☗

With Steve, everything was direct and ugly. Old days that they fought constantly, were Helen's

good days. Now to her, she was a common man, a coarse man, like her own father. For the first time she felt the influence of Jacob in her life, the way he had influenced her and treated her like a woman not a toy and because of that had changed her life! She kept recalling the episode in front of the grocery store. She kept making up scenarios in case they saw or talked with each other again, what would it be like? But they did not! All these were just illusions?

The abhorrence of feeling in her was too strong to be called anything! It was an uproar with the terrible strain of nights and the mornings after which made a combative pain; she could only understand that this would be so dramatic when or if she would gain her old bravery to feel it!!

No person who looked from outside to their lives, would not be happy to change place with them! Only if Helen could talk to them the true happenings of what really happened behind their walls and windows. Elizabeth was growing fast right in front of her eyes! She looked so much like Steve. Now that she was not hungry anymore, she was a chubby baby with double chin, big cheeks; her arms and hands and legs were fat with rolls and rolls of baby fat on them. She was a beautiful little girl since her father was a really handsome man and her mother was a beautiful woman according to everyone. The color of her hair was light brown; not blond like Helen and not black like Steve; her eyes were hazel color, again right in between the two of them. She was so happy to see her father when he came home on Wednesday night or Thursday morning; even though it was her mother, who was with her constantly and took care of her. The first word she learned was not Mama but it was Dada. Helen almost did not care; but deep in her layers of her emotions, she did care.

"How is it that I am the one that feed her hungry stomach all the time, and take care of her, and stay with her all the time, but she laughs and does her baby talk when she sees her dad?"

Elizabeth was truly in love with her dad. Steve was truly in love with his little girl. Although the father and daughter did not see each other half of the week, Elizabeth never forgot her dad. The expression "daddy's little girl" was a perfect phrase for them. The minute Elizabeth heard Steve's footstep, or his voice calling her while opening the door, she began laughing and moving her arms and legs in a way that Helen had never seen her to do them for her!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- Eleven- Home, Sweet Home ☗ ✔ ☁

Steve was forced to agree with the doctor that Elizabeth needed formula and some baby foods besides Helen's milk. The doctor suggested different brands.

"Try them out and see which one she likes. They are all good!" He said to Helen and Steve. They left the doctor's office. Helen

sat in the back of the car, silent, shaking, crying, and trying to nurse the screaming baby. Steve drove, angry, frustrated, and was saying very unbecoming things to her:

"You;re not even a good mother!"

Nonetheless, that evening he went and bought some of the things that doctor had recommended. He prepared a bowl of cereal, and a bottle of baby formula himself and fed Elizabeth. For the first time that night the baby slept all through the night.

On his first day off from his flying, only a week later when he returned home, the baby was not crying and some color had returned to Helen's face! He did not want to admit that he knew in his heart that his child was better off, that his wife, whom he still loved passionately, was better off! After six months of misery For Helen, it took the pediatrician to play the role of a family elder to convince Steve that the reason for Elizabeth constant crying and not sleeping was that she was hungry.

Helen's headache kept returning. Steve wanted to tell her,"Oh, my sweet heart, my sweet wife, let me help you this weekend! Why don't you go and see a doctor? we need to cure your headaches!" But no, he would never talk to her this way again; he was not done punishing her. Thus, what he offensively told her was:

"There is always something wrong with you! I am sick and tired of coming home and taking care of you and Elizabeth!"

Helen thought many times in the days that Steve was not home to get her money from her safety deposit in bank and run away with Elizabeth to another city, to start all over again. But she had lost her courage; and besides she knew that Steve would find her and would punish her even worse!

Once she saw Jacob. She was putting Elizabeth in the back seat of her car after buying grocery. He was getting out of his car with his wife and two children. Their cars were parked next to each other. He was driving a different car than what he had had during their affair. Steve had bought a new car for Helen so she she did not have to drive the child in her old sporty car she used to have. That was the reason Jacob had not recognized her car and she, his car. They both were shocked. She saw in his demeanor that he was about to come and talk to her. She knew what would happen if he did. His wife would never believe him that this woman was an old friend, or someone from past he knew a long time ago, or ... Helen almost fell to get behind the wheel and to drive away. His wife was a beautiful woman, almost too beautiful! No, no she was too miserable; he could have guessed it. She was probably would have cried; no, no, she had to save him again!!

To Be Continued

JUDAS KISS- Eleven- Home, Sweet Home ☗ ✔

Steve wanted Helen to nurse the baby. What Helen yearned for was for Jacob's son to suck on her nipples, not Elizabeth. She had a hard time to love her daughter. It was with agony that she nursed the baby. Elizabeth was a hungry beast, who wanted to suck on her nipples until there would be no more milk but it was her blood! When the baby was six months old, the pediatrician wanted them to give the baby some rice cereal and other baby food; but she was a stubborn baby. She would not take bottle or even a pacifier. All she wanted was to suck on her mother's breast!

Once that Steve was home for his days off, he finally noticed that how much Helen had lost weight; and how Elizabeth cried constantly. As usual He blamed Helen for the crying of the baby:

"You're not even a good mother! Don't you see the baby is suffering? Something is wrong with her!"

Elizabeth kept Helen up all night; and when Steve was home, he could not sleep either. The baby's crying was so unrelenting and persistent that one night Helen just put her on Steve's stomach and said:

"You take care of it! I haven't slept for six months!"

They had a big fight which started in the middle of the night and continued into the next day and night like old days. This fight brought the lost control and energy to her even though it was temporary.

Helen never told Steve why she did not like the name of her daughter. It was for a reason that would perhaps sound strange to Steve. Her mother's name was Elizabeth and she had betrayed her!

Two days later they took Elizabeth to her doctor. It was Steve's idea. Helen said:

"She is hungry. I don't have enough milk to fill her up. She doesn't need a doctor, she needs food."

The strange thing was that Elizabeth's doctor said exactly what Helen had said at home.

"She is hungry! You need to start giving her formula and other baby foods." Then the doctor turned to Steve and continued:

"I don't understand why you insist on your wife nursing her. Look at her! She is all skin and bone. Your wife is exhausted. She needs to take care of herself before getting sick. Then she can't take care of herself or the baby!"

Steve's answer was somewhat funny but he was very serious:

"Women have nursed their babies for ever! Why can't she?"

The doctor's answer made Steve's animosity to Helen much stronger:

"What do you think your wife is, a cow? Every woman is different. You're killing both of them!!"

To Be Continued