Odyssey... ~{}~24- Ambiguous Soul

Every afternoon when Hana goes to college after work, she has forty minutes of free time before her first class. She likes to sit on a bench under an old, huge tree, where she can smoke and study. That bench is far from where usually other students hang out in the campus. Valery, who knows Hana's secret place, sometimes joins her; and they talk mostly about life, their lives. The feeling of finding a true friend in a land of loneliness is overwhelmingly joyous to Hana; and she regrets that the simplest need of any human being have been robbed from her for so long. The only true friend she has ever had was Behroz, her uncle, whom she was told died in a car accident. The mystery of his death has never been solved for Hana while not for even a second she has believed that accident was the cause of his death.

What joins these two women is not their need for a true friendship but the similarity of their misfortunate relationship with men. The men in their lives have betrayed them while for Hana has been only one man, a mentally sick husband, who died for his outrageous anger and drinking; and for Valery has been a few men. Valery, ten years younger than Hana, works in a doctor's office while goes to college in the evening to improve her skill to get a better job. Hoping for marriage and a decent life, she has had many relations with men which all of them turned out disastrous. However, there is one difference between two friends, Valery has not given up and she still hopes to find her dream man; while Hana does not even think about having another man in her life. Hana loves her solitary life so much that she is not going to jeopardize it for any man; even though sometimes she longs for the warm body and strong shoulder of a man.

Very soon, the two friends become the inseparable part of each other's lives and slowly Hana tells Valery her real life story, the way it was not the way she wanted to be. Valery tells her that she has suspected that true story all along; and when Hana asks her how, she says:

"When you first came to school, your bitterness reminded me of my own pain and I figured out right away that your mourning wasn't for your dead husband but it was for yourself."

Hana is amazed by her friend's true observation while she has always tried to hide her agonizing life from others, specially strangers. She is even more surprised when Valery says:

"Even my cousin noticed that and he told me later that you were very bitter and scared of men."

Hana, perplexed, says:

"Who is your cousin?"

"You met him in my birthday party, Mario."

Suddenly Hana remembers the man, who persistently followed her to the car and wanted to talk to her.

"I didn't know that Mario is your cousin!"

"He is my uncle's son. His wife died of cancer three years ago."

A strange and sudden empathy for Mario trembles Hana and she says:

"I never thought that men can be sensitive like women. He must be very perceptive."

"Oh, yes, he is. He was very concerned and empathetic for you. Every time I see him, he asks about you."

A forgotten feeling arises in Hana and she is overpowered by this peculiar sensation while trying to hide it from her friend by changing the subject.

"You know, Sam left again for his advance training last week. I miss him so much."

"Listen Hana, you're still a young woman. Your husband died three years ago. Your sons will go on and choose their own lives and one day you wake up all alone. You need to have a life, too." Valery's shocking remark shakes Hana.

"I've always been alone. I don't mind it at all. Actually I like it." Hana is not sure what she just said is true or not.

"Why don't you try, just try and if you don't like it, at least you know exactly what you want in your life."

"Try what?" Hana pretends she did not understand Valery.

"You know what I mean. There is nothing wrong to have a male friend, like Mario. He very much likes that. As a matter of fact, he has some friends over this Saturday, and he's asked me to invite you, too."

Hana blushes by a sudden warmth of knowing that she is still a desirable woman.

"I don't know Valery. It seems to me that you guys talk about me all the time. It's been over a year since I met Mario. How come he still talks about me? He can find any woman he wants, why me?"

"Who knows why! people do weird and strange things but when it comes to fairs of hearts, we are all the same. We like what we like and we don't know why. Maybe because he is very much influenced by his Italian mother and he likes foreign women. You know his wife was half Italian, too."

Hana thinks about what her friend says while a different and unknown seed is being planted within her.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~24- Ambiguous Soul

Tehran-

Hana's pain that night was intolerable. It was not only the insufferable pain of Hamid's unabashed torture that tormented her with and excruciating agony, but also an even more unbearable bitterness for her weak personality to endure these physical and mental abuse. Lying down ob bed that used to belong to her father across the room where her mother was fighting for her last breaths on her bed, she thought of the unfairness of the world and misery of most Iranian woman, whom mostly even did not know any better. Crying calmly for her cursed fortune, she did not not know how it was possible for a human being to live like her, in that kind of abuse! She could not perhaps tolerate another assault of Hamid; but had not she felt the same every night? She knew in desperation that there would be more assaults from now to the time of her death. How could Hamid put her through that pain? How could anybody cause that kind of anguish for others? She had exasperated over Hamid's obscenity for so long that now she felt so tired that a one night sleep seemed like a sweet dream to her; nonetheless, she purposely forced her eyes to stay open to see the misery not the dream. If someone asked her at that moment why she would not make a scene or scream when Hamid assaulted her, her answer perhaps would be that she did not want anyone in the house to know about her misery.

Gol, on her bed, gained her sanity for the last time to sense her daughter's anguish in that room. She also felt a sudden pain in her chest which numbed her body. Fighting for her life, she tried to move her hands or scream for help, but she could do none of those. In desperation, she looked at her daughter and hoped that she might see her struggle for life, but Hana was so captivated in her own suffering that surprisingly her intuition did not suspect the happening of a greater magnitude and disaster in that room only a few meters from her. All Hana could hear was her mother's regular breathing which did not concern her. To her, at that moment, her mother always breathed like that.

When the next morning, Hana found her mother dead, she recalled her mom's unusual breathing. Also she remembered her neglect of getting up and checking on her, as she had always done. Even though the Medico legal Examiner called the cause of death a fatal heart attack, Hana made herself to believe if she was not ignorant that night, her mother could have been saved and still would be alive. Since that atrocious night, Hana had something new to feel guilty about and to let it not go away.

Dallas-

When Sam leaves for his advanced training, both he and Hana know that he will be transferred to another state afterwards. He will be trained for the next eight weeks for what he likes the best, infantry. While his leaving home for the second time is easier for Hana, it is also like a mystery to her. When she tries to think about Sam, his decision, and his different attitude, the chain of her thoughts scatter like autumn leaves in a windy day.

Since working in Dallas for her is only doing a job to survive, school becomes Hana's greatest joy and entertainment. Amazingly she discovers that Valery, her classmate, has an illegitimate son, eight years old, whom she is the only supporter and provider. Listening to Valery's emotional and financial problems opens Hana's eyes that even in America many women are oppressed, tormented, and abused by the opposite sex. Valery is in the constant battle with the father of her son for child support or maybe a little fatherly attention. The more Hana talks to people, the more she finds out what she has called her bad fortune is a common occurrence of life no matter where the person is born. Wondrously she meets some men who are abused by women. At this point, she changes her life long statement that has been part of her belief that in Iran most women are abused while most men are abusers. Whereas in American society, she adds to her narrative, that many men and women are oppressed interchangeably. She learns more about American culture and people at school than she has learned since they have immigrated.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 24- Ambiguous Soul

What does disaster mean to people, a kind of calamity that Hana and her family have faced frequently? How do people act in situations in which they have neither control nor a place or a friend to turn to? What words, if any, if they do not scatter with blowing wind, are suitable to describe a cursed life? And why for some people life is series of catastrophe while some others never see even one in their life long? These questions perplex Hana to a degree that she can not even imagine sweet dreams anymore.

While finding Karen seems impossible, the imminent Sam's visit temporarily heals the traumatized Farhad and Hana. Hana along with Valery, her class mate, check almost all the pawn shops for Hana's stolen rings. That shameless girl perhaps does not even know the value of those rings and may thing they are custom jewelery. Her motive, assuming, was fast cash, and where could she get money for stolen goods, Pawn shops? But that search ends with disappointment.

On a Friday afternoon, late in September, Sam comes home. To see her son, who has changed in eight weeks so much, brings a special kind of joy to Hana, a joy that she has never experienced before. Sitting in the living room every evening across from him, looking at him, his body, with a sunburned face, and very short hair, almost shaved at sides, and adoring this part of her, this young man with the attitude of an old, experienced man, becomes Hana's whole existence for the ten days of his stay. He answers his mother's questions about training and military life with short phrases which do not give Hana enough information. His secrecy, or perhaps privacy makes Hana to understand that she just can not treat him as before, even though he is part of her, a connected part of her that wants to become independent from her as she did when she was his age. In his distant silence, he tells his mother how much he has grown and he is a man with destiny, his destiny, not a supernatural fate that must be connected to hers. The inevitable ambiance between mother and son is like a sweet dream one remembers a long time after awakening. It comes a point that Hana does not want to change their rapport. What happens there, in that small living room, every evening, is an emphatic aura between two people who belong to different generations and cultures. As Hana is enveloped in that majestic grandeur, Sam in his speaking mind adores this little woman, his mother, the one who rises after every fall and gains after each loss. He admires this fighter, whom he has learned from dignity and nobility. If he knew how much his mother undermines her capability, he will perhaps breaks his silence and says clear and loud: "Mom, you're an extraordinary woman." But how can he? This fragile woman has always looked strong and powerful to him. He has never suspected her vulnerability, her glassy skeleton, and her sobbing in her alone time. How can he? To him, this woman has always managed, has always come back after each fall, but did she?

Hana realizes that Sam does not want to be bothered by the story of Karen's shameless act. So she makes it very short. Sam's response is not what she expected:

"I knew this is going to happen. I never trusted that woman." Then, he looks at his brother, hesitating for a moment, and then continues:

"She was messing around with me. I had to give her an ultimatum to stop other wise I would tell all of you!"

Farhad , at this point, do not get shocked by anything he hears about his impostor girlfriend.

Hana thinks how could he know and she could not even though she was suspicious? But this is not the only thing in Hana's life that she overlooked.

She remembers the inauspicious night of her mother's death while looking at her adorable son sitting across from her. How could she fail to notice her mother's heavy and irregular breathing while she was lying in the same room awake, pondering over her miseries?

Tehran-

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {}}{23- Deprived Memories

The sleeplessness of the night before seems to affect Hana at work. She, who suffers insomnia for so long, is drowsy and very tired specially today. She can not wait to go back home to do what she has promised herself and Lila the night before, to throw this indecent girl out of her house. Around two in the afternoon, she is called on the phone to find out from Farhad that Karen is gone, so does the television, VCR, Farhad's camera, and God knows what else. Regretting why she did not throw her out that morning, she takes the rest of the afternoon off and goes home. Farhad is very upset not only because of all the stolen things but because he believed in Karen and her life story. He thought she loved him as he did her.

Hana slowly goes through everything. She has always kept some cash at home for emergency. She discovers that not only the cash is gone but all her jewelry, specially her two rings, one a beautiful ruby with small diamonds around it, and the other a rich blue sapphire with diamonds are gone, too. She breaks down completely and faints on the floor. Farhad does not understand the reason of his mother's collapse for her rings; however, when Hana gains her consciousness, she tells him the story of the rings.

Those rings were the only things she had left from her past life. They were her mother's gifts to her when she gave birth to her sons. Her mother had gotten those from her mother, Hana's grandmother, and she had received them from her mother, and so on. Those rings went back about three hundred years, Hana was told. At the time of the smuggling, when she had sold everything including most of her clothes and all her jewelry, she could not sell something that the oldest or the only daughter in the family had inherited from their mothers. The jeweler in Tehran, whom Hana had sold her other jewels to, wanted to buy those rings, but Hana told him that they were not for sale; however, the jeweler appraised them.

"They are priceless, lady. Take care of them." That was all he said. Now they were gone. Her only belonging from her mother, her only memory from her grandmother, the only things that remind her of who she is and where she has come from. Her wedding band with a gold bracelet and necklace are stolen, too; but she does not care for them. She wants her rings, her mother's grandmother's, great grandmother's,... back.

When Farhad learns the story of the rings, he cries with his mother before confessing that he actually does not know anything about Karen. He has never seen her father, or where she used to live. She had told him not to call her at work since her boss does not like it. Calling police seems the last and only solution. The young officer makes a list of all the stolen things. He learns that Karen and Farhad were friends only for six months and she lived with them for three weeks; however, these mother and son have no clue of who that girl really was.

"Where did you meet her?" The officer asks Farhad.

Farhad looks at him while crying and does not say anything. He seems agitated by the officer's question. The officer, who sees Farhad's inside struggle, says:

"Let's go outside. I want to look around your apartment."

Hana knows instinctively that she is not invited; and her son has a secret about meeting Karen for the first time that he does not want her to know.

Outside the door, the officer repeat his question:

Where did you meet her?"

"I met her in a club. She was sitting on a bar stole and drinking beer."

"Why didn't you want to tell me inside?"

"My mom has never known that I go to clubs sometimes."

"What do you tell her when you come home late?"

"A friend's birthday party or..."

"Listen, I'm just curious. How old are you?'

"Almost twenty three."

"Going to clubs is a normal thing for young people here. Is your mother very strict? I'm just confused."

"No, sir, she is not strict. She is a very good mother. Her belief is different than yours and mine. I just respect her a lot. I just don't want her to work hard mentally to understand this way of living. She's already works hard physically. I want her to learn the differences slowly and gradually as they come to her not like a shock."

The officer put his hand on Farhad's shoulder and says:

"You're a very nice young man. I just don't understand how could you trust a woman you didn't know anything about and brought her to your home; and if you respect your mother so much, how could you have your girlfriend live here with you and your mother! Maybe her name isn't real either."

"I don't know. She seemed so innocent and loving and my mother even liked her. She said she loves me."

"That is how those con artists are. I hope you learned a lesson. Well, I must go now. I am going to do my best to help you and your mom, but I bet you that she's already pawned everything and pocketed the money."

And how the officer was right. Nobody knows who Karen is. The store manager, she said she worked there, did not know anything about her. It seems as though she was an alien from another planet who had come onto the earth to rob Hana's precious memories and Farhad's positive attitude towards life.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~{}~23- Deprived Memories

Karen, who practically lives with them, treats Hana like a maid. Hana sees everything; and while at one point liked Karen and treated her like another child of hers, now is very angry at herself for allowing another person to abuse her. She can not possibly talk to Farhad about it since he will not listen; and when she finds out one day that Farhad has given the key of the apartment to Karen, she is about to explode.

"How can you do this? We don't know her!"

Farhad gives a dirty look to his mother and says:

"Stop being so suspicious to everyone. She is not that kind of girl."

Very soon, Karen moves in officially. She, who had said she lived with her father, says:

"My father is transferred. I have no place to live."

Hana's soft heart aches for this fragile girl, whom her mother ran away with another woman when she was a only six years old, and her father did not care much for her according to what she had told them about her life. While Hana makes herself to believe that she has a daughter now, at night when she hears the squeaky sound of the bed next door, an afflicted hesitation changes her mind. Between work and college, Hana does not have much time to cook as before; and when one day she hears Karen's unbecoming compliant, she is quietly outraged.

"You don't cook any more. I'm tired of eating this ready made food of yours." Karen says.

Even Farhad shakes up by his girlfriend's comment.

That night, in her room, Hana brings Lila, her other self, to life with difficulty; and for the first time in a long while, asks her advice. Lila rebukes her, as it is her way, and then says:

"You never change. You always let people abuse you. What is it with you? Why are you afraid? What are you afraid of? Why did you let this rude girl move in with you in the first place?"

"I don't know. I guess I didn't want to make Farhad mad at me. I was afraid he might leave me and never come back."

Lila puts her hands at her waist, a gesture Hana always hated, and says:

"Oh, God, you're so simple, so naive. You think if you don't people run all over you, they won't like you anymore or they leave you? How stupid you are!"

"But we're not talking about any people; we're talking about my son." Hana desperately says.

"I know who you're talking about. But let me tell you something; if you don't respect yourself, nobody will. Farhad is not going to leave you. He may get mad, or raise his voice, but your proper action will make him, he won't admit it to you but he will to himself, that you're right."

"What you're telling me is to tell Karen to leave and if Farhad threatens that he is going to leave, too, I say fine. Is that what you want me to do?"

Lila laughs hysterically and says:

"Yes, now you're talking. He'll threaten you for leaving, but he won't. He can't even do his own laundry. You've raised your kids in a way that they depend on you for everything. They can't function without you; and like everybody else they use you."

Hana becomes angry.

"That is not true. Look at Sam. He is God knows where in army for his basic training without me being around. What do you think of that?"

"I have an answer for you which is going to blow up your mind. It wasn't you that raised Sam, it was me. He has my character not yours. That is why he moved away; that is why he'll become somebody. But look at Farhad. You raised him and pampered him so much that he knows he can get away with everything."

Lila's statement almost explodes Hana.

"That is not true. I've always thought that Sam is just like me. He..."

Lila interrupts her: "Maybe part of him is like you; but not the part that wants to be independent and to get away from all these chaos. He respects you so much that he didn't want you to work harder to put him through college; and that is why he joined army, something that you didn't want, I might add. Remember how much you tried to stop him!"

Hana desperately comes to realization that Lila is right. That entire night with open eyes and weary mind, she ponders over the abyss that she is drowning in it. She perceives in desperation that all her life she has let everyone to use her only because she has been afraid losing them or creating turmoil. Nevertheless, her entire life has been chaos and she has almost lost everything and everyone.

She decides for the first time to listen to Lila and ask Karen to leave the next day. Meanwhile, she pictures their discussion and Farhad's angry reaction. In her anxious mind, she pictures scenes of her strength, when she shows her son and his girlfriend how adamant she is and who the boss is in that house. When she finally falls asleep at five in the morning, she knows what she will do that day.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~23- Deprived Memories

Hana Understands her son's solitary mind, for she was just like him. The pain is great, but this is not a grief of not knowing, but it is a vigorous understanding of a bitter reality that she, too had put her parents through what she is facing now. As she did not understand her parents' then, she can not possibly expect her son to discern her suffering and anguish now.

This conversation reminds her of a day, to be exact, a year and half ago, after Hamid's death, when Farhad told her:

"Mom, I don't want to go to college anymore. School is not for me. It's waste of money for you."

Hana's desperate argument did not change Farhad's viewpoint.

"I want to get a job."

"But you're very smart. It's a shame that you don't like school." She despondently said.

"You have all these education, look at you; you're altering people's dirty clothes."

Hana, hurt so much of something that she has already known it herself but did not expect it from her son, said:

"I have to support you , don't I? What can I do? I don't have the time and money to get a license for teaching. Besides this way I am making more money. I have to do something to bring money in."

"You were a teacher. Why can't you teach here?"

"I need my papers, my transcripts. They're all in Iran. I am a fugitive in the eye of Iranian Government. They're not going to release them. Do you understand?" She was deeply upset by her son's comment.

So Farhad quited the college and did not think about going back.

~

When Sam leaves in August to Forth Hood, near Kileen, Hana is lost in loss. She can not even go with her son to see what all these about because Sam wants to go alone. Her hands are tied and her feelings are in a way as though she has lost him for ever. She sobs for hours. Her purpose of living becomes the lowest at all times while her exasperated depression rises to the highest. Nevertheless, as time has always heels most wounds, she, too, slowly and gradually gets used to not having Sam at home. The days she expects his call; however, enhances her self esteem. As weeks go by, she can recognize a visible difference in Sam's demeanor which is even perceivable on the phone. Hana is not sure if she like this new man, her son. She wonders what happened to her baby, who used to fall asleep, using her legs as a pillow even up to age seventeen. She senses his strange, unfamiliar withdrawal which makes her to scold herself of perhaps she had done something wrong. His aloof silence becomes greater, while Hana sees in front of her eyes how uncommunicative they have grown in less than two months. But none of these despondent feelings stop her of the rapturous visit they will have after the end of his eight weeks basic training.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 23- Deprived Memories

The purest flower nature had offered was to be thorny. The shinning glow of freedom in West, as Hana perceived and longed for, turned to be a different kind of slavery; since her fortune had been destined in a way that she had no way out of it. When they arrived in Dallas with empty pocket book and exhausted minds, Hana, almost thirty four, Hamid, forty, Farhad twelve, and Sam, eight, had different goals in their minds. Hamid thought of freedom that would allow him to buy liquor not making it, and to experience an immoral life as before, western style. Farhad's attention was all for fabulous television programs of America; nonetheless, he missed his grandma terribly, and he did not trust his father particularly and his mother somewhat. For Sam, it was strange. He did not want to be there. He did not understand the language, yet he would be the first to learn it and Americanize. For Hana was a long list of dreams; learning English, even though she was fairly good at it, good life, a moderate home, and above all to make it here with her family. She felt not being under political pressure and Persian style of family life, she could change Hamid to a decent husband and father. Wrong!

The early years were hard, so very hard that sometimes Hana wished her cursed homeland. Hamid did not even try to learn English. To him. that was the language of barbarians; however, he was able to manage to buy his liquor and learn about all places for immoral conducts. He never worked. One thing worked in their benefit and that was their smuggling. That helped with their immigration statues. With many people who spent thousands of dollars to get green cards, the cards came to them. Their smuggling and Hana's political activities in Iran enabled their lawyer to get them green cards as political asylums.

Dallas-

Today, ten years from the danger she put herself and her family through, she is alone, as she has always been. Her sons are not babies anymore. They have turned to be strong men and live their own lives. The reason they are still living with their mother is for her support, not for supporting her and she knows it. Farhad's girlfriend, is mostly there. She eats with them, uses them, and sleeps over frequently. Farhad shamelessly has her to sleep with him in front of his mother and brother. Hana rejects that in her speaking mind but she is never able to tell her son to stop that obscene act. She is afraid he may leave her. At night in her bedroom, Hana hears the squeaky sound of the bed, next door, where her son having sex with his girlfriend. The nights that karen stays over, Sam uses the sofa as bed since he does not want to sleep in a same room with his brother. Hana offers her bedroom to Sam, but he refuses.

Whereas Farhad, Sam is quiet. It has been so hard for Hana to know how her younger son feels or thinks. When May comes and he graduates from high school, he simply says to his mother:

"Mom, I am joining the army."

Hana can not believe what she hears, but Sam's stern look makes her wonder what she has done wrong.

"But why? Please don't do this to me. Let's talk..."

Sam interrupts his mother impatiently:

"Mom, I knew you're going to object this; but this is a done deal. I've already gone to the recruiting office in Dallas and applied. I've done all my physical and I've even taken series of tests. They're doing some background check on me now. Hopefully I hear from them soon."

Hana, shocked, says in a voice barely audible:

"But why? How did you learn about them?"

"Through school; they brought their brochures to school way back."

"Listen honey, don't do this. I want you to go to college and become somebody."

"Mom, that is the point. I'll go to college. They pay for most of my college. Then you don't have to work so hard to pay for my school."

"I don't mind to work hard. I get a second job. I don't mind it at all. Please don't do this to me. I am not against military. I just don't like you be away from me."

While begging her son, she realizes how much Sam is like her. His courage, determination, and attitude are what she had in his age. She remembers the days she hated her father, was annoyed by her mother's over protecting position, and wanted to run away.

"Is it me you can't stand, sweet heart?" She wishes for a no answer.

"No, mom, it has nothing to do with you. I want to be alone, to get away. I must do this. I'm confused."

Hana understands him while she can not imagine her son in army.

"I understand, honey. You have my support and love whatever you want to do."

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {~} 22- Fleeing to West

Torn between doing what uncle Nabi asked her and staying a loyal wife, or mother to Hamid, she decide to put the house in the market. "I think about Hamid later." Nonetheless, she had to tell her sisters and brother about her plan since they knew about the ownership of the house. Hana begged them not to tell Hamid about it. The house was sold in less than two months with a price more than ten times higher what her father had paid for originally. Of course considering the outrageous inflation, the increased value of the house was equal to the accretion in cost of living. But that was not how it looked to Hasan, Sara's husband. He, who had never liked Hana, being a male chauvinist, and could not see a woman more educated and successful than him, and felt Hana was partially responsible for his wife's dead baby and her disease, which these days was much better and she had seldom attacks; was very angry since he had found out that the house was turned to Hana. He had had a big fight with his wife, Sara, about it. At the time, Sara had defended the matter genuinely and had tried to reason with her husband that Hana had paid the mortgage and she deserved to have it; but he had never accepted his wife's reasoning. When he had learned about it, he did not speak to his wife for six months. He had been outrageously angry with Sara for turning her share to her older sister without telling him. Now it was his turn for revenge. He could avenge his sister-in-law by telling Hamid about the house and smuggling.

They were staying at grandparents since the house and everything in it was sold. When Hamid questioned her why selling everything in the house, Hana simply said that they were going to start a business in a city by the Caspian Sea, and uncle Nabi was helping her to come up with ideas. For now, she said, grandparents did not mind them staying there. A week before the appointed time to flee, as uncle Nabi had set it up with the smuggler, Hamid learned everything from Hasan's mouth. When he confronted Hana, in the state of shock, she knew instinctively that it was her vindictive brother- in- law, who had betrayed her. After all, she did not like Hasan, either. Hana did not know what to say to Hamid; however, she took control of her irrational behavior and simply said:

"I wanted to surprise you."

Whether Hamid believed her or not, she would never know. He was overwhelmingly rapturous by the fact that they were leaving the country. Hana had to secretly pay more money to the smuggler for Hamid's share; and that was how four of them left Iran. Uncle Nabi was so hurt that in the last minute Hana had decided to take Hamid with her that he never spoke to her or said goodbye to her. Hana's explanation did not move him. He said she should have talked to him about Hasan's betraying her, (he did not like Hasan either) and he had Hamid arrested for his collection of gun that he had accumulated during revolution. Uncle Nabi died six years later of pneumonia.

They all immigrated while knowing they would face hardship, waiting, and lack of funds. The danger of smuggling was humongous; nevertheless, Hana's two sons, eleven and seven, found the journey amusing. It took ten days from Tehran to Istanbul and after that it took a whole year to get to America. What Hana learned throughout that journey was the realization that the world, the earth, and the nature might look unfamiliar in different countries; however, for her and for many others that their fortunes had been robbed, they were the same.

She had nothing left in the country she was born in, a country that had taken her father, mother, brother, job, and dignity. Where one sister was not allowed to see her, and the other was involved in her own life and some political activities which she would not stop even though she knew what happened to her older sister, and the only brother she had was busy with his life and family and was trying to use uncle Nabi as a role model to make money. She was homeless, without family, was blamed for mother's death by everyone and the Sara's still born baby and her unpredictable attacks; Behroz, her favorite uncle and best friend, was getting more depressed by the day and rarely even left his room and did not want to begin the friendship part of their relationship; and uncle Nabi's attitude was that it was his way always. Hana was pushed aside like the stubborn clouds dissipating by a strong wind.

~

In "THE RAIN STOPS IN TEXAS", the author of this book writes about the experience of her own smuggling from Iran. The book has been published in 1997 by Eakin Press. It is available in Amazon. com and by ordering it from book stores.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {} 22- Fleeing to West

Tehran-

Outside doors everything was impalpable, and inside home, things were illusory. People were divided in their differences and beliefs. The majority went along with the new regime and gradually got used to the new situation; while some others took advantage of condition of disarray began cooperating to benefit themselves either by making big money or getting high paying position. People on their own ( I believe) establish different groups. there were many names were heard, Basij, Pasdaran, regular military, Hezbollah, and so many more. Most of uneducated, radical, and fanatically religious people believed in the new regime, and honestly changed; while many other groups preferred still the Shah's regime over this one; however they did not dare to take any action and kept their opinion for themselves. Nevertheless, some fought not only the new comers, they also organized anti- regime organization to overthrow those unlawful successors. Should it had been a few years earlier, Hana most definitely would be among the last group, fight the new comers. But the disastrous death of her mother, the turmoil among family members and most of all her sons' well being stopped her. Trying not to break down by all the monstrous chaos within her, in her home, and in the country, she discharged her uproarious emotions every Friday when she visited her parents' graves. There, she was free to cry, scream and do what ever she pleased. Nobody paid attention to her since the cemetery was a place for emptying one's sorrow and agitation. She always felt better when she returned home from the graveyard.

Those days many people who could not endure the new circumstances, chose to smuggle out of the country, for it was impossible to leave legally. Now the country they were born in was pushing them out. The excitement, adventure, and stories of smuggling people intrigued Hana while she knew her service as a teacher was not wanted anymore and all her education, which had been gained by her hard work and sacrifice, were gone down the drain. That thought occupied her mind and she went to bed and woke up with it. The more she thought, the more she knew that escape was her only chance. Even though she was told many of smuggling people had not made it, or had been captured, or even robbed; she still felt living in danger with no hope was worse than fleeing in danger with hope. Being tired of responsibilities and financial problems, since mother's salary was gone with her death, she did not think they could smuggle. She needed money, a lot of it for smuggling. Besides what would she do with Hamid, the sick, immoral man she was bound to live with? Nevertheless, that thought became part of her existence and she began investigating about it. The best person she could start with was uncle Nabi. It seemed to her that her uncle knew everything; and she was right. When she approached him, she learned another secret about her uncle. He had sent three of her children to England right before the revolution; but his oldest son was still in Iran. Hana surprisingly discovered that her cousin, uncle Nabi's oldest son, was about to smuggle out of the country. So she had chosen the right person for information. Uncle Nabi thought that her idea was brilliant; and he told her that he could not imagine parents wanted to raise children in Iran anymore. When she told him that she did not have any money, he simply said:

"Sell the house and everything you have. The house is in your name, isn't it?"

Hana had never thought about the house and she wondered how he knew that her mother and siblings had turned the title of the house to her. But Nabi knew everything.

"What are you going to do with Hamid?" Uncle Nabi asked sarcastically.

Hana, who had not seriously thought about it before, said:

"I don't know. I guess he goes with us."

"I'm so surprised that you're still loyal to this evil man!" He said.

"What can I do? He's my husband, the father of my children."

"No, he is your enemy. All he does and has done is using all of us. Just leave him and go. Here in your own country with all your family around you, he had tortured you for the last thirteen years. Now you want to pay his way so he can go to a free country to torture, abuse, and use you more! I don't believe you."

Again, Hana was shocked to know that her Uncle knew so much about her personal life; but she knew that he was right; however the thought of leaving Hamid without telling him seemed unthinkable.

"How can I sell the house without telling him why? He's going to find out the house is mine!"

"No, if you don't tell him, he won't know. The best solution is to tell him that Boby, Sara, and Mina want their share and since you don't have money to buy them out, you have no choice but selling the house. Meanwhile I find a smuggler and when the house is sold, one day you and the kids will vanish; and he'll never find out where you are. I even help you financially."

Hana knew of her uncle's deep hatred for Hamid. In fact, he had been the only one in the family that never bought Hamid's obscene bluffs.

To Be Continued

Odyssey...~~22- Fleeing to West

...a man about fifty approaches her.

"You're so quiet. Valery told me you're from Iran."

"Yes, I am." Hana says and then immediately adds: " But I am a US Citizen now."

Mario smile and says:

"Can I get you a drink?"

She blushes and says: "I don't drink."

"Why is that? Are you a Muslim?"

She thinks for a few seconds and then says: "I was born Muslim."

"Means you don't believe in that fate anymore!"

"I never believe in any religion." She begins feeling a little more relaxed.

"I take a glass of white wine."

Mario disappears and then returns with a paper cup of white wine. He is drinking the same, himself. Hana has noticed earlier that Valery was serving only beer and white wine from a box.

"Thank you, I didn't want you think I..." She pauses and does not know what to say.

Mario shakes his head.

"I understand. I was in Iran in 1976 for almost a year. I loved it there."

Hana gets all excited that they have something to talk about besides her.

"Really! What were you doing there?"

"I worked for an oil company.

She remembers the corruption of the Shah's foreign policy that cost him his throne.

"Do you have a degree in petroleum?" She shyly, yet sarcastically asks.

Mario, who senses her intelligence and what she is getting at, decide to be honest with this woman and says:

"No, I have a major in business and minor in philosophy. Strange, isn't it?" He is trying to disarm Hana in his own way, by being honest.

But that is all Hana needs to know. She thinks while many Iranians with petroleum degree could not get a job in oil fields, The Shah hired Westerners to do the work that his own people could do. That realization pinched her heart with pain and she recalls how her political idea once had cost her greatly. To escape her fervid impetuosity which is about to return to her after so long, she has two choices, either to leave or to change the subject. The first choice seems more conducive. When Mario sees she is about to leave, he says:

"It is too soon to leave, it is only nine thirty."

"I am sorry, I must go. I am not used to staying out late. My sons may worry for me."

"How old are your sons?"

Hana picks up her purse and hurriedly says:

"Twenty two and eighteen."

Hana can not even find Valery to say good bye to her. As she leaves, Mario follows her outside to her car while she hastily looks for the key in her purse. He puts his hand on her shoulder.

"I am not going to bite you. Why are you running away?"

Hana shivers by his touch and while opening the door of her car, she says:

"I must go. Please leave me alone."

"Valery told me about the unfortunate accident of your husband!"

She remembers that she has told Valery about Hamid's death, but she also recalls that she has not spoken of her miserable life to Valery.

"You know my wife died two years ago of cancer." He tries to create an empathic ambiance, but Hana starts the car and disappears like a lightning.

That night in bed, she thinks about Mario while I try to persuade her that it s perfectly all right to have a male friend and not to fall in love. She wonders who Mario was and how Valery knows him.

When she returns from party at ten, her sons are watching television; and Farhad's girlfriend, Karen, is also there. Her sons, whereas her, are very much accustomed to American culture; and what has been confusing and strange to her in Valery's home, is a normal way of living for her sons. While she thinks that back home, no son would dare to bring a girl friend home, she knows that she can not possibly stops her sons of doing so. When her sons ask her about party, she bluntly, says:

"It was okay, but not for me."

"Did you have a good time? Why wasn't for you?" Farhad asks her.

She thinks for a second. She is not sure if she had a good time or not. She does not know how to answer her son about "not for me" in front of Karen.

"I don't know."

Farhad turns to Karen: "This is the first time my mom went to a party in America alone!"

Karen looks at Hana surprised: "How come?"

Hana does not know how to answer. She wishes that they leave her alone.

"How come you came back so early?" Sam asks his mother.

"I don't know. I thought you may be worried for me."

Both her sons begin laughing while Hana hastily goes to her room and close the door.

Tehran-

To Be Continued

Odyssey...22- Fleeing to West

Dallas-

For Hana time after Hamid's death is withering and useless, but for me is like a fresh flower with delicious aroma and delightful beauty . I find it unacceptable to mourn and feel sorry; she finds grieving an inseparable part of her existence. Our conflicts cause a clashing brawl between us. Both of our minds live in past; however, for her is only to torture herself and for me is to use those memories to be aware of present. She is beyond dispute and to reach her takes a great effort which I am tired of it. Now in freedom of all chains and ties, she still watches her back, checks her car thoroughly, as she did in fear of Hamid's vandalism, and refuses to make friends or go out. And here I am, attached to her, a victim. who wants fairness and can not get it only because we are connected. She thinks I am part of her, or she is my creator; nevertheless, I wish the situation has been the other way around.

After a long discussion, she finally agrees to take the English course in writing she has always wanted. For me this is the first positive step. Just to get her out of home besides her job has been a great challenge for me. Very soon, when she is accepted as a smart student, as she had always been, the missing smile returns to her face. As usual she takes college seriously; and my argument to make her understand that her going to college must be fun, too, is useless.

Now between work in day time and college in the evening, Hana does not have much time for hallucination. She studies so hard as though she is working for PhD. Going to college gives her an unusual sense as though she is born again. Lila's argument to live a different kind of life in this new birth makes her to think for the first time, and she accepts the invitation of one of her fellow students to go to her birthday part on Saturday evening.

Being a punctual person, Hana parks her car a couple of blocks away from Valery's home since she gets there ten minutes before eight. One minute before eight, the appointed time, she drives her car and parks in front of Valery's apartment, but she does not see any other car. Confused, yet excited, she rings the bell and an unfamiliar young woman opens the door. Hana introduced herself and handed the woman the gift she has brought. She goes inside to find out she is the first guest; and Valery, herself, is not ready yet. Ashamed and upset, she sits on a chair as though she is there to discuss some important issue. Valery's guests gradually show off around nine. Even though most of them treat her with kindness, she feels so out of place that in total disorientation she thinks about leaving. However the thought of saying goodbye and coming with an excuse stops her for awhile. She is bewildered by this strange culture she has lived in for the last ten years and never knew it this way. Mostly unmarried men and women are together as couples. They talk, laugh, drink, and hug. Valery is with her new boyfriend while her old boyfriend is also there with his new girlfriend. It is a strange atmosphere for Hana and when finally she decides to leave, a man about fifty approaches her.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {~} 21- Return

The return Hana had yearned for was full of unjust consequences. She was not surprised by that deep desertion in that darkness, when she had hopelessly tried to prove her non existent character by her activities. An unfathomable enthusiasm had given her an impetuosity in which she had found the courage to speak loud, and act brave. Now the result of her action was greater than her ability. Yes, this return was not pleasant after all. She had returned to a strange home, among unfamiliar people; and she felt as though every body looked at her as an enemy; an enemy no one could get rid of and everyone had to endure. She was that enemy. A few months later she wrote a poem about that sad return:

"The long journey I took,

Puzzled me for the meaning of return.

Like wondering for the message behind a painting or a book

When we are what we want to see or learn.

~

In my return, I was in cheer.

I was also filled with horror and pain.

The light was pure, yet cruel and near.

Trying madly to open the doors and remain."

~

While Gol's health was worsened, Sara faced more frequent attacks; and the medicine she needed could not be found in the capital of that ancient country, Hana felt hopeless ad helpless to do anything. That was not a surprise since the new regime had closed most doors to civilization and treaty with other countries. To those backward people, West was corrupt and any commerce with them was against Allah's will. Hamid was doing what he knew best, nothing and using others; while Hana suffered lack of money. She soon began sewing at home to help family's finance and combined with her mother's survival benefit, she barely was able to make it. After consulting with uncle Nabi and her grandparents, she decided to bring mother home from hospital since they really could not do much for her there anymore. She refused the Iranian style Nursing Home. She was home and she could take care of her mom. Between her own guilt and the existing situation, she felt distressed and puzzled. While missing school and teaching, she knew her action had been vain and futile.

Taking care of mother was not an easy thing. In her insanity, Gol had gained so much physical power that sometimes two strong men were needed to stop her of wrong doing. Most of the time grandma would come to help Hana in watching Gol. In one occasion, when Hana was answering the telephone, Gol climbed the stairs; and only a minute of Hana's neglect Caused her to fall. Gol broke her hip. It took a long time for her hip to heal; and she never was able to walk straight again. As much as Hana wanted to visit her sister, Sara, and her little girl, she knew that Hasan, her husband, would not allow it. Sara was not in hospital anymore. Her mother- in- law had moved with them to take care of her and her daughter. Mina, Hana's youngest sister, told her of Sara's situation.

Every night after Hamid's sick assault, Hana came to the first floor and slept in her mother's room. Her insomnia was aggrandized by the impact of obligation, misery, and above all guilt. When one Friday morning, late September, seven months after her return, Hana found her mother dead on her bed, she never knew what time her mother had taken her last breath, even though in the same room, she had been awake, hallucinating all night. As she had missed to hold her father's hand when he had passed away, she missed the exact time of her mother's passing too, while being awake and in a same room.

Her return was doleful.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {} 21- Return

"Is mom dead?" Hana's voice sounded as though coming from a bottom of an abyss.

"No, but she is not all together again; like the way after what happened to Van."

"Come on uncle Nabi, she is insane again!" She was desperate.

"Yes, she is insane again, worse than before. She had to be watched at all times. That left us no choice but to put her in hospital. In the last two weeks, my mother is taking care of your kids."

The three months of abandonment because of her stupid, yet righteous act for educating her students that had cost her job, perhaps her sister's incurable disease, and above all her mom's repeated insanity. How could she forgive herself for that morbid personality she was bound to carry forever? Everything she touched, became ash and stone; and every action she took, resulted disastrous, monstrous, and unnatural. How could she even be a good mother while she did not know good from bad herself?

At home, her sons' aloof behavior, as though they did not know who she was, did not surprise her. She had never been able to win them over; and now she was the cause of their favorite grandmother's insanity. The entire city looked different and strange to her. Now that the new regime was officially ruling, all women were wearing either kerchief down to to their forehead with long, loose clothes, or chador (a long piece of fabric from head to toe, normally black color). The instability, anger, and frustration of people were increased tremendously; and she, who had lived in a distant paradise for the last three months, had not been there to see how the history had changed, and how to get accustomed to changes as others did gradually.

After visiting with her unfriendly sons and concerned grandmother, uncle Nabi took her to the hospital where her mother in one section and her sister in another section were fighting their relentless, excruciating, and loathsome gnawing.

Gol even did not recognize her. Hana, haunted by horrified vision, held her mom's hand; but Gol surprisingly pulled her hand away from her and began laughing at her. She had lost so much weight that to Hana, she looked like a ghost. Hana's tearless eyes reminded her of a day, in the doctor's office, when her mother and she had been told of her father's terminal cancer. She had not been able to cry that day as she was not today.

In her sister's room, the situation was different. Sara had no attack that day which made her look normal. Her husband, Hasan, was there, too. They were keeping her in the hospital to determine what the cause of her attacks were. Hasan's mother, at home, was taking care of their little girl. They both gave Hana not a welcoming look; and their cold, indifferent attitude proved even more to Hana of them blaming her for everything.

That evening at home, Hamid attended the homecoming of his wife. Mina and Boby and their families were there. Even though Hana did not feel socializing, she pretended she did. Late that night in their bedroom, Hamid questioned her roughly of her hiding place and Hana bluntly said:

"I can't tell you." She had promised her uncle and there was no way she would break her vow.

Angry Hamid accused her of so many loathsome disgrace that Hana felt to run away from that house and disappear forever. When finally the vulgar, exasperated Hamid got tired of screaming without getting any response, he forcefully and violently assaulted her. She did not cry of pain, as she always did, since a greater bitterness had already filled her with pain and agony. She just wanted to have that sick sex over with.

To Be continued

Odyssey... ~~ 21- Return

Tehran-

Hana was grateful for that strange twist of life. Should she not learn from the seriousness of life and the hardship of separation; therefore, all was a futile agony with no acquired learning. As nature was changed from winter to spring in her secretive absence, she was also changed from an stubborn impetuousness to a cautious conservative. Her chain of thoughts, while uncle Nabi was driving her home, however, did not stop her of absorbing the beautiful change of nature, where the skeletonized, icy trees had turned to pale green with small leaves and the moderate breeze through the open window of the car gave life to each and every cell of her body. Oh, nature, something that no regime could touch or change, how they would follow the order that the Creator had made them! As much as she wanted to reach home quickly, she yearned to stop that moment somehow to assimilate the breezy nature, the aromatic perfume of freshness, and the colorful blooms of trees and flowers. Being surprised of her desire, she learned fast how scared she was to face home, her children, mother, and Hamid. Uncle Nabi's silence brought her the realization of her wrong judgment for so long towards him. While Behroz, the youngest of her grandparents' three children, had always been her favorite relative and best friend, she had always thought of uncle Nabi, older than Behroz, and younger than her mom, as a greedy, selfish, and self- centered man. In that ordeal, he had proved himself otherwise; and now by his silence, she knew that he understood her empathic, unique ardor for nature. Ironically, when they were only ten minutes away from home, he finally broke his silence:

"I must tell you things so you don't get shocked when we get home!"

Suddenly her heart began pounding.

"What is it? Is mom okay?"

"Let me start with Hamid first. He didn't spend much time at home while you were gone. He was just going there to change clothes or pick up things once in a while."

"Where was he, then?" Hana asked curiously.

"God only knows. You know him; perhaps in a prostitute's home, or I don't know or care."

Hana always liked uncle Nabi's straight forward answers. He never hid anything except his second wife, Ziba and his son, Mehran. Others always lied or hid things to protect themselves.

"Where did he get the money?"

"Your mom found out that he stole all your jewelry and sold them."

Hana sighed. If that is all he had done, she really did not care; as long as her mom and children were not harmed.

"What else uncle Nabi? It seems there is a list of events while I was gone!"

"Sara's baby was born dead; and she went to coma while bleeding badly."

"What happened?" Hana shook all over to hear about her sister's misery.

"She came out of coma, but now she faints frequently with convulsive contraction and loses her consciousness. Doctors think she has epilepsy."

After the birth of her daughter four years ago, doctors had told Sara many times that it was dangerous for her to have more babies; but her husband wanted a boy and she tried and tried and always had miscarriages. This one was her fifth pregnancy while she had to rest the entire time. She always lost them around month four; but on this one, when she passed four months and nothing happened, she was so happy and yet fearful at the same time. She willingly stayed in bed without complaining. She had been in Hana's home so Gol could take care of her and her daughter. Suddenly Hana felt the possibility that her crisis might have an effect in her sister's disastrous ordeal.

"Was she still in my home while I was gone?" Crying Hana asked.

"No, her husband took her home. He thought the turmoil in your home wouldn't help Sara's condition. Besides, you know how much her husband hates you." Again one of uncle Nabi's straight forward talking.

"Then, who was taking care of her and her daughter?"

"Well, when her husband was home, he did. Gol went there once a day after taking your children to school and stayed with her until the time that she had to go pick up your kids from school; by then, her husband has returned home from work."

Hana instinctively knew that her ordeal got to have an impact on Sara, having a still born child. Coming to that conclusion brought her to a hysterical cry which made uncle Nabi to pull over and stop the car.

"Listen Hana, you must be strong. You must control yourself. I know how tough you are. Stay that way. That is the only way you can survive by being tough." Then he hugged her niece gently and affectionately.

"I have more to tell you."

She knew that he had reserved the worst news for the last.

"Tell me uncle Nabi; I can handle it."

Nabi went to a deep thinking; and Hana could see by his face expression that this last news must be unendurable. After a long silence, he finally said:

"Your mother..." And he stopped.

"What about her? tell me!" She grabbed his hand while the flood of tears blinded her to see his deplorable face.

"Well you know how weak and fragile she is. You know what happened to her after Van's execution. She just can't handle trauma. While your well being was under question and she was worried to death for you and had the responsibility of taking care of your kids, that startling misfortune happened to Sara, Hamid stole your jewelry, and then Sara's husband blamed you for everything; she just couldn't take it anymore."

Hana remembered she had not spoken to her mom for two weeks. It was grandma on their appointed day for the phone conversation. When she had questioned grandma that where her mom was, she had simply said:

"Sara had a baby girl again and your mom is staying with her for a while; and I'm taking care of your kids."

Not only that Hana had believed her grandma, she had not even thought for a second that Sara was not due for another month and half. How ignorant and self involved she had been not to know any better! While she did not want to hear the last and the worst news from her uncle, she was impatiently waiting for it.

"Is mom dead?"

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 21- Return

Dallas-

Dazzled by so many marvelous colors of nature, changing from one place to another, the ring of phone appears like a sharp knife tearing Hana's throat. Reluctantly, she walks away from window and to the phone.

"Yes,"

The unfamiliar voice on the other side is what Hana did not expect. Farhad and Sam, who have been waken by the phone, come to the living room with their underwear and look at their mother. She is standing there stupefied and they can say by her shaking hand, holding the phone, the call must be a bad news.

"What is it, mom?" Farhad asks.

Hana tells the man on the other side:

"Please talk to my son, Tell him the address."

While she falls on the sofa by the shock of what she has heard, Farhad writes the address on a piece of paper, he tears from his mother's poetry book, the same page she wrote" Those Days" earlier that morning.

The accident happened the night before on highway 20, where Hamid behind the wheel was fallen asleep. He has only thirty miles to reach Dallas and home, where he has planned to set the apartment on fire and kill his wife and sons. The bottle of vodka in the car was empty; and the impact of driving intoxicated, while being furious, made him to break every traffic law. In his vindictive mind he was going home to retaliate. In an exasperated moment, not being aware of his state of mind and totally drunk, he fell asleep. He hit a big truck parked on the shoulder. The impact of accident, with the speed close to hundred miles, threw him out through the front windshield. He was not wearing his seat belt.

Mother and sons get to that local hospital an hour and half after the phone call. There, they find out that Hamid is still in the operation room; and no one can give them any indication about his situation. When around noon, the doctor finally sees them, Hana is told the bad news. Every bone in his body is broken. He has head injury, broken spine, and internal bleeding. He is still alive but the doctor thinks saving him requires a miracle.

When Hana and her sons see Hamid, he looks like an Egyptian Mummy. His closed eyes are the only part of his body without wrapping. Hana thinks about her last night dream and she remembers her wish- his death. Three hours later, her wish, that now is like a weight on her shoulders, comes through. Hamid dies. But is this what really she wished for?

While her sons take over all the legal matters and burial, in a stage of insanity, Hana hallucinates and ponders over an abyss of guilt and repentance. She feels responsible for his death; as she did ten years earlier for the loss of a dear soul. Without speaking, her sons understand her state of mind and try to convince her otherwise. To answer their repeated statement that he did it to himself, Hana says:

"I threw him out."

"Mom, this ought to happen one way or the other. He was always drunk when he was driving. It is not our fault. Take us out of your guilt. We don't feel guilty. We encouraged you to get rid of him and we don't feel guilty. Did you hear what the police say about the three gallons of gasoline in his car? What do you think he had those for?" Farhad, frustrated, says.

"I don't care if he is dead. He wasn't a dad. He was coming to set us all in fire." Sam angrily agrees with his brother.

But none of those words can ease Hana's greatest pain, losing a man whom she adopted as a child, took care of him, fed him, and put up with him. She learns in astonishment that Hamid for her was an unruly child not an indecent husband; and as one can not divorce a child, she, too, could not break from this hideous part of her. Lost in loss, she brings Hamid clothes and everything else he had and scatters them in the middle of the room. When she finds obscene pictures of him and naked women, she is not surprised. Her sons for the first time see tangible evidence of their father's immoralities which make them feel better since deep down inside, they feel responsible for his death, too.

Two weeks later, when Hana goes back to work, she is a new person, a new woman with determination to make it here in America; and the first thing she wants to do is to become American Citizen. Changing identity and nationality may change her state of being. She also promises herself to not let her sons suffer anymore.

Logically she takes control of their lives and changes her behavior, but emotionally when she is alone, she grieves for an unknown anguish. The excruciating pain she endures, comes in waves and from the deepest part of her heart and she is not sure what causes that agony. Is it because she feels guilty or misses Hamid, or maybe is a regretful grief for her lost years? She does not know!

Eight months after Hamid's death, the three of them become American Citizen. It is an emotional day for all three of them. While they stand in the court room along side many others, with her right hand on her heart, she swears the "Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag", her heart pounds, her knee shake, and she knows by doing this, she will not be a woman without country anymore. Now she can raise her head proudly and say: "I am an American." However a strange mixed emotion captures her soul. The ambiance to her is like returning home after a long journey.

"The spiral roads came to an end at last.

Dusty of journey, I reached the missing side.

My thirsty, penetrating eyes cast;

Before my steps could even decide.

~

The boiling city was in the heat of mid day.

The bleak alley was ablaze in fever of sun.

I staggered with my weak feet on the pavement of clay.

The hello was dying on my lips, it was gone.

~

The stream was dried, like a blind eye,

Empty of water and any breeze.

A singing man was passing by.

His lyric song filled my ears with ease.

~

The old ivy was waving on the wall;

Like a shaky stream strived to ooze.

The bushy leaves of ivy missed fall.

It was the green of oldness, the dust of time, and abuse.

~

I paused to hear a welcome news;

A soft, gentle, hello it wouldn't break;

My glassy, thin solitude with abuse,

In the darkness of rushing doubt and ache."

~

In ambiguity, she remembers another home coming, many years earlier, when she reunited with her family after three months of banishment.

Tehran-

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~{ 20- Abandonment

To serve her husband's niece, was an honor to Ziba; and Hana could not make her understand that they were equal, and she worked for living, against the system that most women did not work, and that she was grateful to stay at her house. She told Ziba that the house was hers and her son's and apologized to her for interrupting her life. Nobody ever talked like that to Ziba. She did not know what to say. However, frequently Ziba wanted to please Hana by cooking fancy food, serving breakfast in bed, and cleaning her room, which all made Hana very uncomfortable. Finally she told Uncle Nabi in of his visits about it.

"Ziba is a jewel, but she makes me very uneasy by taking care of me all the time. Have you told her to do this?"

Uncle Nabi gently smiled and said:

"You know she was a servant before. She is used to serving people. This is just her personality. You know we're married, it's not the temporary type. It is real marriage. This property belongs to her and Mehran. She does not know it; but you know everything else that I have is in the name of my other family. This way, if something happens to me, they don't have to pay high taxes to government for inheritance. Even though we're married for seven years, she still calls me Agha (Sir). I can't make her to call me Nabi."

"So she is your second wife!"

"You may say that."

"But why? Aren't you happy with Sorie? You're married for over twenty five years, why?"

You don't understand. I love Sorie. She is the mother of my four children. I can show her off in society. This is different. It is simple, it's pure, it's without expectation...."

Hana interrupted her uncle:

"Pure! How can you call this pure and say you love your wife, Sorie?"

"As I said you don't understand. You're not a man. I'm a very busy man. Everyone wants something from me; families, friends, neighbors, everybody. I need to have an escape, a hidden place; and this is my hidden place, and this is my escape. I feel very simple here. With Ziba I don't have any problems. Here I can relax and be myself." He paused while Hana was thinking about what her uncle just said.

"I don't intend to embarrass you, uncle Nabi. You're the boss in your life. I love Mehran. He looks very much like you; and besides when you come here on weekends, what is your excuse at home, what do you tell them?"

"I always have good excuses, like traveling with my men friends to go to my villa in Shomal (North, by the Caspian Sea), or going hunting. I love Mehran as much as my other children. I'm going to give him the best education. I think he's going to be just like me, hardworking and self made."

Everything that Uncle Nabi was saying began making sense to Hana; even though, she was very much against the men superiority in Muslim religion and the fact they could have four legal wives and unlimited temporary ones. Somehow this one case started making sense to her. She knew how hard he worked and what kind of life he had made for himself and his family; and how he always came to rescue in crises like her case. She decided to stop talking about this issue and she promised herself that to never say a word about this to anyone.

"Uncle Nabi, did you see my sons and mom yesterday?"

"Yes, I did. They're all fine."

"How are they doing financially?"

"Well, Gol using her survivor benefit. I help them, too, because your mom's money is not enough; and that miserable husband of yours is using everybody as usual."

Hana's cheek blushed and blood ran to her head. It was obvious to her that her uncle did not like Hamid. Who did?

"I know. I wish he dies."

"No, he won't. He is going to kill us all. You haven't made any mistakes in your life, but marrying Hamid is enough mistake for all of us."

"I know uncle Nabi. I can talk hours why I married him; but perhaps you wouldn't understand, as I don't understand your situation with Ziba and Mehran. If I can get out of this misery, may be you help me to get out of that one, too."

"No, honey, you never get rid of him. You're like your mother, my sister. You feel sorry for the world and you victimized yourself to save people. No, you won't."

Hana thought for a moment of what her uncle said. She knew he was right. After awhile, she said:

"You're probably right. Tell me if there is any hope of me going back home."

"I am working on it. You never be able to teach again under this new regime; however, I have my sources in this new regime. Soon, very soon, you'll go home."

Uncle Nabi's promising words brought a joyful light to Hana's dull life and she repeated those words to her mother on their next phone conversation. Three weeks later, on a Tuesday morning, when Hana heard Uncle Nabi's car, both Ziba and she ran all the way outside of the building. He always visited them on weekends, and that unusual call was surprising to both Ziba and Hana. It was a few days before the New Year, the first of Spring. The Shah was gone. The new regime was officially in power. Hana, who had never parted her family before, was very depressed of not being with them for the New Year in a few days. Bewildered she looked at her uncle, who was getting out of his car.

"Is everything okay?"

"Yes, you're going home now. Go pack you stuff."

It was more than three months that she had not seen her family.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {~} 20- Abandonment

The only thing that saved Gol for a while was her grandsons. She was responsible for them while their mother was in hiding. When they asked for their mother, she told them that she was transferred to another city and next school year they would join her. They angrily objected that and wanted to stay with their grandmother. Gol promised them that she would go with them.

"Mama Gol, we want to be with you." Farhad, ten, and Sam, six, would tell her.

"I'll go with you, promise." Gol kindly would lie to them.

However that promise would not stop the boys' growing anger towards their mother, who had left them without saying goodbye.

Hamid's persistence to know of Hana's hiding place did not make things easier for Gol, for she did not know herself; nonetheless, she did not tell Hamid that her brother, Nabi, was involved in hiding Hana. Once a week Gol went to a far relative home, an old aunt, where and when Hana called her, so mother and daughter could talk. Hana wanted desperately to talk to her children but uncle Nabi thought that would not be a good idea.

In their conversation, Gol and Hana talked in a way as nothing had happened. Gol felt her daughter's greatest regret and her missing home. Hana sensed that the only thing keeping her mother from another breakdown was the responsibility she had for her children. Hana, who had mothered her mom in crises, now needed Gol, her soft, warm, and loving shoulders more than ever; but how could she tell her mom of her weakness, breakage, and misery? She had to be strong as always; and needed to find a way to fix things. Never in her life she felt that forlorn and deserted.

Living in abandonment had one positive point for her, thinking about her life and the situation in the country. A day came that she confessed secretly to herself that she had been wrong and politics was more complicated than what she anticipated. Walking, reading, and listening to the foreign radio station on the short wave radio filled her days. However, it was that beautiful nature surrounding that house that gave her peace with a little hope. The garden was decorated by whipping willows and there was a path from the front porch of the house all the way around the garden which was decorated with colorful, four season flowers in that snowy and rainy weather. When she gradually gained her courage back, she would walk further and would leave uncle Nabi's property, where the sky and earth would join and the silence of nature was only being interrupted by occasional rain or light snow. There, she would walk and breathe the clean air while investigating her life.

Ziba, uncle Nabi's temporary wife, was a young, uneducated woman, Hana's age. As reluctant as Hana had been at the beginning to stay with her, she found out very soon of Ziba's innocent personality. She had a little boy, five years old, a cute boy, who looked so much like uncle Nabi. Hana was surprised to know that unknown cousin. While his half brothers and sisters lived in luxury without shame, that little boy had to hide his identity forever. To him, his father was dead, and this man, who came once a week and slept with his mother, was just their benefactor. Mehran was a little younger than Sam; and Hana who missed her sons terribly, made a strong bonding with her newly found cousin. Ziba, who had never lost her identity, being an indigent woman, and had worked in people house to survive, did not mind this arrangement at all. Now, she had a life, a place to live, a child, and a man who was taking care of her as long as she did not say anything about this, and stayed out of sight. She loved Nabi in a true sense of loving a man and Hana, very soon, found out that her uncle loved her, too.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~{~ 20- Abandonment

"May I please talk to Nabi Agha (Mr.)?" Hana's voice was changed not by pretending but by the impact of the event.

"Who is calling?" Mehdi asked.

"I am a tenant. I must talk to him."

"You can talk to me. Is it for your rent? Are you behind paying your rent?"

"Yes, but it is for my son, too. He was helping my son..."

"I take care of all his business. You can talk to me." Mehdi said.

At this moment Nabi walked into his office and heard the last part of Mehdi's words.

"Who is it Mehdi?"

"I don't know. This woman wants to talk to you."

Hana could hear their conversation. Nabi thought it might be his mistress which Mehdi did not know anything about it.

"I talk to her." He took the receiver from Mehdi's hand.

"Yes, who is it?"

Hana breathed deeply.

"Uncle Nabi, it is me. Please don't say anything. I don't want Mehdi to know it is me."

Nabi knew of his niece's activities; and right away understood that something terribly was wrong.

"Yes, lady, I know." And then he turned to Mehdi, who inquisitively was listening:

"Go to my home and get the list from my wife. They need grocery."

Mehdi reluctantly left the office; and Nabi walked behind him to make sure he was gone.

"What is it Hana? Where are you?"

Hana breathlessly told him everything.

"I don't know where to go, what to do!" She said.

"Stay where you are. I'll be there in a minute."

In the cold, snowy day, they walked for over an hour and all Nabi heard from his niece was her concern for her family, especially her mother and children.

"What about you? Remember we tried to stop you!" Nabi said.

"I know, uncle Nabi; but this is not time to make me feel worse; and I am not sorry for what I did. I'll do it again if I have the chance."

"Oh, God, you're stubborn."

"Aren't we all? It's in our blood." Hana's humorous comment did not break Nabi's chain of thought.

"I have to hide you somewhere until things calm down."

"I have to go home. Mom is going to have another nervous breakdown!"

"Why didn't you think about it before?" Nabi, irritated, said.

"Oh, please don't make me feel worse than what I feel!"

Nabi finally stopped walking and then suddenly said:

"I'm going to tell you something nobody knows. Can I trust you?"

Hana looked through the mist of her crying eyes and nodded her head for yes.

"I have a property in Karaj (outskirt of Tehran), a big land. I've build a small house there for a lady friend. I'm going to take you there."

Hana knew right away what he meant.

"Can I call home before we go?" She said.

"Let me call and see what the situation is."

Gol, who had already gotten so many calls from the Ministry of Education, had no idea where Hana was. That call, like so many others, tortured her; and finally she answered, it was her brother, Nabi.

"Listen Gol, can you talk?' Nabi asked his sister.

"Do you know where Hana is? They keep calling for her." Gol said to her brother.

"Don't worry. She is with me. Don't tell anyone. Pack her some clothes. I'll come later and get them."

"Tell me, is she okay? What happened?"

"She is here. She wants to talk to you. I tell you later what happened."

Hana broke into a hysterical cry before beginning the conversation with her mother. How could she put her mom through this? How could she?

"Mom, I'm sorry." That is all she could say.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {}} 20- Abandonment

Tehran-

The narrow alleys were covered by snow and the path in the middle, where people walked, was icy and slippery. However, nothing could stop Hana from running. While the chilly flakes of snow, covering her face and bit her skin bitterly, she pulled the kerchief down her head to cool off since she was burning inside and feeling that every piece of clothes she had on was strangling her. When she was finally at T. Square, she stopped to think; but her mind went blank completely. Standing there brought a chill to her body, and disturbed emotions to her soul. Suddenly she realized the abyss she was in ; and an exasperated despair agitated her. After pondering for a while, she knew she could not go home or to her grandparents or any relatives' home. Her family was well known in that area and everybody knew all her relatives. That thought almost paralyzed her; but the survival instinct gave her an innate lucidity and she ran to the pay phone close by. Looking for change in her purse, she did not who to call. Mother could not help her; Hamid would not care; and Behroz was so nice and naive to know how to help her. She suddenly exhaled a loud sigh. "Uncle Nabi,"

She dialed his office number. His office was right across the square from the phone booth were she was making the call. She could even see the office from this side of the square. Uncle Nabi usually was in his office during the day to collect rent or to go to the roof top to feed his pigeons. He had so many of those birds. He knew all of them. That was a popular thing among men those days. He fed them himself. He had names for each of them. They would fly and then come back and eat from his hand or would sit on his shoulder. Those birds were the love of his life alongside his family.

The entire building belonged to him as others next to it. Uncle Nabi's assistant answered the phone, what she was afraid of since he was one of the opportunists even though he had worked for uncle Nabi for many years. No politics ever hurt uncle Nabi, for he was always able to buy people with money. He knew of his assistant's point of view, and even though it was against his real belief, he did not mind it. He could use that man to get inside information about the revolutionaries and the newcomers and he could fool him and everyone else by pretending and even donating money for the "CAUSE". By doing that now and before, not only he had always survived but also he had made more money.

Hana tried to change her voice, as she seen in movies, so Mehdi, uncle Nabi's assistant could not recognize her; since within years, he had become like a family member and had spoken to Hana many times.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~20- Abandonment

In the morning, a hot Saturday in August, Hana wakes up by a feverish nightmare. For awhile the jungles of humans with red, bloody eyes, she saw in her dream, seems real; but gradually she comes to her senses and remembers the same dream long ago back home. The similarity of the two dreams, ten years apart, frightens her; and she recalls the morning after the first dream, the morning of running, hiding, and surviving. Bewildered, she gets up and by washing her face tries to erase the effect of those inquisitive, bloody eyes.

In the kitchen, while making coffee, since she has lost the taste for hot tea which is customary drink a few times a day in her homeland, she looks at the red, round clock above the sink- four o'clock. It is not unusual for her to get up at that time of the morning even on a day off since she suffers insomnia as long as she remembers. With the hot, sweet, creamy coffee in her hand, she makes herself comfortable on the sofa, her favorite place next to the end table, where she can put her cup and ashtray. Missing writing, she remembers the days of her active writing before marrying Hamid; which was always in midnight or early in the morning, her ideal time, as the silence and peace governed the crowded home. Now with her sons in bed and city in sleep, she longs those days, writing, days of browsing, Secret Society, falling in love with Saeid, heated conversation with those young men in Behroz's room; and writing to Mesa, her imaginary friend. She thinks for awhile with pen in her mouth, and finally writes:

~~"Those days are gone.

Those full, healthy, glowing days,

Those skies full of spangles and rays.

Those branches full of cherries and breeze,

Those vines leaned to green houses with ease.

~~Those days are gone.

Those days from the corner of my eye

I saw songs rained from sky like butterfly.

When my eyes slid over any root,

They absorbed it like a fresh, sweet fruit.

~~Those days are gone.

Those days of wondering and praise,

Days of awakening, attraction, and blaze.

Those days every shadow had a mystery.

Every tender soul animated poetry.

~~Those days are gone."

She stops writing and read the poem she just wrote. A conspicuous suffocation brings her to tears and she realizes how much she has been suppressed for the last twenty three years since marrying Hamid; and how much she had missed the old days and all the people she loved which most of them don't live anymore. The thought of what Hamid has taken away from her, just very normal, genuine things, gives her a chill and she feels that all her youth, or good years of one's life are gone for her. She imprecates Hamid for ruining her life and wishes for his death. In her subconscious mind, she believes that his death is the only way out of this miserable life. Pacing the room, she stops by the window; and far in horizon, she sees the orange sun in the bloody, gray sky is forcing its way out through the dominating dawn. The beauty of the unusual colors in far vistaed sphere overpoweringly causes a distressing numbness in her body; and she envies the artists who can paint. While these colors change in front of her very eyes to blue, purple, azure, and red, and gradually become brighter and brighter, her numbness dissipates and a warm flow of thrill and bliss replaces it. The remarkable rapture brings an unwanted smile to her face; and in that enchanting moment, the sharp and harsh sound of phone injures her ears. It is six in the morning.

Tehran-

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 20- Abandonment

The unresolved fear lives within Hana, acts upon her, and evolves in her even though she no longer desires to change her decision. For so many years, she has been we, us, but now as her childhood, she wakes up in every gloomy morning solitary. Moreover, in the agonizing adversity of her well known affliction, she sees the unveiled, yet deceitful magic of common gratification.

There are two days of peace between Hamid's last call and an event which will change everything to an extent of a sullen and slashing frenzy. No calls or threats disturb the serene two days for mother and sons. They even do something they have never done in the second day- dine out. In the restaurant, she does not even know what is the proper way of ordering meal from the menu. She is not familiar with these food and finally Farhad orders for her. A glass of withe wine adds to the unusual taste of the restaurant food. When the evening finally ends with this new wonderful experience for her, Farhad drives them home. In the back seat of the car, she looks at her son, and somehow she knows they will survive. Sense of living and prevailing becomes a new vivid flower to her not knowing joyless color of life. Nevertheless, as old habits die hard, a hallucinatory torture accentuates her exasperated thoughts which she does not understand it.

In the morning, a hot Saturday in August, Hana wakes up of a feverish nightmare. For awhile the jungle of humans with red, bloody eyes, she saw in her dream, seems real; but gradually she comes to her senses and remembers the same dream long ago back home. The similarity of the two dreams, ten years apart, frightens her; and she recalls the morning after the first dream, the morning of running, hiding, and surviving. Bewildered, she gets up and by washing her face tries to erase the effect of those inquisitive, bloody eyes.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... [][] 19- Load

The next day at work, when Hana's boss tells her that she is wanted on the phone, she won't let her boss know of her domestic turmoil. Ambiguous Hana answers the call while trying to act normal so her boss would not guess her state of mind. She listens to Hamid's boiling anger:

"I'm on my way home. I'll teach you and the kids a lesson that you'll never forget. That is a promise. I don't like to be rejected. You're turning my kids against me, you son of b.... If I can't have you, we all are going to die."

Hana feels a sudden heat on her face while her hand that holding the phone is shaking; but she somehow manage to say calmly to Hamid: "Sure!" She does not want her inquisitive boss to find out anything about her personal problem.

"I kill you all. I burn you. I bury you myself."

"Sure, okay, bye."

While she is frightened to lose her job if Hamid keeps calling back, she goes back to her work.

That night her sons suggest that she sleeps since she must work the next day; and they stay awake for watch since they don't have schools in Summer. How can she sleep when a movement of a tree outside the window shivers her, a passing car in the street paralyzes her, and any visible or invisible sound trembles her? She joins her sons in the living room and watches them playing video games. She remembers the days that her sons liked her mother more than her and cried when she wanted to be close to them. How much they have changed? How adorable and good looking they are! How strong and loving they have turned out! She looks at them thirstily as though something will separated them soon. She can not possibly measure her love for these two young men. In a state of feeling so lonely, so vulnerable, and so far apart, she asks her sons to hug her. The three of them hug each other for awhile; while she thinks in her exhausted mind that her sons are the only people she has left; and her sons think in their fresh, young minds that they will protect her no matter what. They bound together without speaking, and a sudden radiant energy electrifies them, as though they are struck by lightening; and in that state of shock, they become one.

Striving to read the book she has started a month ago, she remembers the day that she was frightened as she is now; nevertheless, she faced that horrified situation with pride and dignity.

Tehran-

The assistant district manager was a young man, who was dressed like the revolutionaries, and had a long beard, as it was becoming a custom for men to be recognized as believers of the new regime. Hana, who had a long, loose coat on which covered her whole body and a big kerchief on her head, as Mrs. T. had recommended, stood in front of his desk without being asked to sit. She watched the flakes of snow through the window behind his desk, as they were flying in white sky covered with bloody clouds. Her heart was pounding while the man was busy with his papers and phone calls as if she was not there. She understood right away that he was an opportunist since he called people who were calling him on the phone brothers and sisters. That was another new custom which was becoming popular among the believers of the new regime. She was convinced by everything she discerned in that room the deep trouble she was in. While the man was still on the phone, Hana thought of leaving the room and forgetting about defending herself. But how could she?

When finally the man looked at Hana, his small, hateful eyes shivered her and an uncontrollable anxiety ran into her body.

"I believe Dr. K. the Shah's Minster of Education has given you this job!" There was a derisive arrogance in his voice.

"Yes, sir, brother..." Her voice was trembling.

"Isn't he your cousin?"

A long silence ensued.

"A distant cousin, and he is dead now." There was a mist before her eyes.

"Ha, now he's a distant cousin!" He fired at her.

She took control of herself while knowing where the conversation was leading to.

"He's always been a distant cousin." She could no longer make out his face.

"Stop the nonsense woman. There are many out there without jobs and you have one because of the corruption of the Shah's regime."He growled like an angry animal, growing more animated.

Hana lapsed into an eloquent silence for a moment and then said:

"I am as much against the Shah as you are. The Savak killed my brother. Besides what is the difference how I got the job? That was fourteen years ago." She said in half whisper while a chilly blast of air struck her.

He retaliated by a look which almost crushed her.

"I also know that you're one of the aristocrat's descendants and your family own a lot of properties."

"That is true sir. But I don't own anything myself. I live from paycheck to paycheck. I have to take care of my family." Blood rushed to her head.

"And your activities against Emam Khomeini! What can you say about those you narrow minded woman?"

Words died on Hana's lips while she felt insulted and injured. Then he raised his voice:

"We didn't throw the Shah out to keep you dirty monsters. We must clean up the system thoroughly." His voice passed its prime.

Then he picked the phone and dialed a number while Hana was about to collapse.

"I have the subject here to be taken." He said to whomever was on the other side of the line.

She at once thought that the subject was her. He rose from his seat, gnashing his teeth and was about to leave the room.

"Stay here, I'll be right back."

Hana did not have much time to think. She knew that she was in a deep trouble. She remembered her sister's story about her husband's coworker. She had to do something quick before the man would return to perhaps arrest her. She slowly walked to the door. She opened it, being surprised of not being locked, and looked outside the long hallway. There were many people there. Should she stay calm, she could just walk out of that room and leave. Burning inside, she composedly walked all the way to the east end of the hallway, where the stairs were. She continued her quiet escape all the way to the street without causing any suspicion. When she felt the cold blast of air on her face and the chilling flakes of snow around her, she breathed deeply and began running through the narrow alleys while remembering her first and only date with Saeid , at the same places, when she was only seventeen years old.

To Be Continued