Solitude, the essential, uncorrupted, and priceless element of human beings, the virtuous nature of world and one's self awareness can not be reached for Hana in the bizarre environment she lives. Her mind and soul are not free to capture that liberty, when people create, compose, paint, or write. When she is alone, thoughts and feelings encircle her in a noisy way, as unseen crowd; and when she is among people, their talk and action resound in her ears as if the whole world is mad at her. She just can not find the peace she used to have in solitude anymore. Earlier today, she wrote some verses, as she always does when no one is around and then burn them so Hamid can not find them.
"Among the walls of the room,
Gasping for air in gloom,
I sigh, then take a glance
To many chapters of my life in dance.
Being chained, I want to be free.
If I am free, I disagree."
Now these words, showing her obscure state of mind, do not mean what she wants them to signify. Nothing has ever given to her. All she is or every thing she has done, are the result of her own struggle and hard work.
In the mist of the current commotion, she looks at the three men, two of them her own flesh and blood, in the room. Their faces have lost all human traits; and their behaviors are not predictable anymore, It seems the fight has neither a beginning nor an ending. All she can see, sitting on the sofa, is three foggy, hazy, blurred figures, who move, become bigger or smaller, and scream at each other. In this indistinct moment, she is not certain when and why the war has started. In that state of consternation, she feels oppressed and stifled as though so many inquisitive eyes are watching her. The vague helplessness of that position makes her think about the position of unsatisfied desires that have turned inward, and fever of hesitation that has strongly thrown her out in a space of bewilderment and befuddlement, where she discerns the regret of the decision she has made which follows quickly by the realization that she has lied to her sons. She instantly suffers a delusion after this morbid discovery and feels the most fear in her life. Wondering in fright, how she has gotten to that abyss of deprivation! Feeling that she can no longer resist the rumbling of her stomach, fear, anxiety, and confusion, she wants to flee and at the same time to stay for ever. Her ashen heart, which has resisted the strongest blows of sad realities, is compressed by the need of being apart. Suddenly she feels the waves of nostalgia and the need of being a child again on her mother's lap. A great uproar immobilizes her in the center of her existence, which does not give her any time to alarm the three fighting men that her defense is being demolished and she is on the way to plant herself in the indistinguishable earth.
Tehran-
The Revolution out there and within her began when she least expected them. The same people that had tortured and executed her brother and had driven her mother to a temporary insanity, were under question those days. People screamed slogans about unfairness of the regime; and most organizations were paralyzed by the commotion. (A detailed description of Iranian Revolution can be found in the book published in 1997, entitled "THE RAIN STOPS IN TEXAS" by the author of this book.) Soon the agitation took a different direction ; and angry people captured garrisons and barracks and got hold of many weapons. The dirty fight resulted the loss of many lives of innocent people; one of Hana's cousin was among them. He was just a bystander.
While Gol was terrified of losing another child, Hana enjoyed being a small part of anti government educators. Van, her dead brother, was in her mind at all times; and she wanted to find the people who had killed him. Hamid, as usual, did not care what others in his family were doing while he had found a new entertainment, collecting weapons. The Savak still had power and its agents were scattered in most governmental organizations like Ministry of Education.
Hana, who had no courage when it came to her personal life, used all her new found bravery to hand deliver anti government flyer to people and spoke freely to her students about corruption of the regime, while the monstrous spies of Savak were most certainly in her class. This act put her in a great danger. Gol, her mother, knew very well of her daughter's activities; however, this time her soft spoken almost begging, did not change anything.
"Don't put me through another misery; and besides you have two kids. You're responsible for them and nothing else."
Hana's lying to her mother did not fool gol; and she knew that their lives would take another mournful twist soon if Hana would not stop what she was doing. While feeling powerless, Gol connected more to her grandsons and did not let them out of her sight. She would take them to school and stay all day there to watch over them. That gave her a power she had lost so many years ago. She knew deep down why Hana was so adamant to do participate in anti government activity; first, she had felt guilty since the killing of Van because she had not said a word to anyone for the longest time of what she knew; second her powerlessness in her marriage gave her the courage to show that power elsewhere.
Gol prayed more than before that nothing would happen to her favorite and most miserable child, Hana, a woman so much in need for love yet so loveless but strong, her first born, who at times, mothered her, taken care of her, and had kept the family together after the death of her husband and killing of her son.
To Be Continued
No comments:
Post a Comment