Thought and feelings that Hana did not want to be told, somehow slipped out and it is all my fault. Now she is going to lecture me for ever and stay mad at me. But I am an honest writer and whereas her belief that people should not know all her secrets, I believe they should. Time is not and and will not cover the life; and what it is, it is! How can I tell her story and have readers to believe that I am an honest writer if I only write what she wants me to write? Besides she has taken me down to the abyss of abandonment for so many years without considering my needs that I must somehow get even with her. It is right that she has created me in her mind, has brought me here and there, and has allowed me to mature in the frenzied, besetting surrounding she had been. Would these give her the permission to make my life miserable because I am her or her other- half? This is my revenge. Yes, I carry many of her good qualities; but strangely I have some of my own, I guess the things that she never dared to do. While both of our mind live in past, our memories and present time for me is awareness and for her is disappointment and despair. I see our secrets as energy which is the essence and spirit of liveliness, but she sees them as burden and load which must be carried and reminded for punishment. I do not carry them on my back but I let them bloom to direct me; however, she let those albatross bring her to a collapse with no cure or measure.
I like to be free, breathe free, and walk in the crowded alleys, where no one can see me; and then go to places that everyone sees me; whereas she wants to be free in captivity and breathe the pungent odor of dead. How can we be the same?! May be she is two persons in one body; part of her that is me wants to be free and if I have the power, I would do something about it. The other part that is her, want to be free, and has the power, but does not do anything about it. She has the power to throw me out, pushes me aside, and makes me disappear. How? She certainly thinks we are one; but I believe I have a life of my own. May be one day I can break the iron cage that seems like a delicate net, and release my tortured body of so many yeas of capture! Then, I am free in every crowded city without being seen, as I walk in the torrent of rain without getting wet, not knowing where I am going or coming from! I murmur poetry, the one that she does not dare to put on paper; and no matter where I am, the melodious sound of those poems blooms inside of me in the exalted solitude. And yes, May be I will be free one day to do all these, may be I will be a whole person, not half as her intention was when she created me. I am Lila, always Hana's other- half; and never whole.
~
In spite of Hana's ultimatum, Hamid arrives three days after the phone conversation. It is late in the evening. Farhad and Sam, in their room, are playing video games; and Hana in the living room is trying very hard to concentrate on the book she is reading, "ENCHANTED SOUL", by Romain Rolland, her favorite French author. She has read this book which is in four volumes, so many times that she knows it by heart. Somehow she longs to have the strength of Anette, the hero of this book. But for some odd reason, she can not focus on this lovely book that she had adored for so many years. Her thoughts, as usual, are in the past, where time seems not passing but repeating itself. In the obscurity of conjuring up, she hears the familiar sound of Hamid's car parking in the driveway. A bitter shiver makes every hair in her body to rise and her skin condenses of a sudden cold. Not knowing how to hold on to the decision her sons and she have made, she is terrified to give in to Hamid's deceptive charm that he uses so skillfully anytime he needs it. Her sons have heard the sound of their father's car as well. They come out of their room, all upset. They come to the living room where their mother is.
"Didn't you tell him not to come back?" Farhad angrily says.
"I know. What can I do? What can we do?"
"We kick him out. We don't let him in the house."Sam cries out loud.
"Let's see what happens!" She babbles.
"Mom, you're not going to change..." Farhad stops talking when they all hear the click of Hamid's key.
He comes in sober with a smile and a dozen red roses in his hand, as though a good husband and father is coming home from a hard day of work or a business trip. The four of them look at each other in the strangest way as thought they do not know what to say which last for a few seconds. Then Farhad walks to his father and Sam follows him. They are grown to be taller than Hamid, much taller. Hana is frozen of horror and does not know what her sons' intention is. Farhad grabs the flowers from his father's hand and throws them on the floor in front of his feet. Then two brothers stamp the flowers until they look like a muddy spot on the carpet. Meanwhile Hamid, shocked, looks at them and Hana without speaking. After the exasperated, angry action of stamping the flowers is over, Farhad opens the door and pushes his father out. At this point, Hamid begins to fight back and uses all his strength.
"Let me talk to your mother." He repeatedly says.
"No, no, you can't talk to her. You can't fool her anymore. We won't allow it." Farhad, frustrated, says.
In that loathsome moment, Hana still frozen with horror, closes her eyes, wishing to change the scene, thinking she is watching a violent movie or having a nightmare, travels to past, when a sweet, false feeling was capturing her.
Tehran-
To Be Continued
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