There was only a few months left to finish college and getting her Master degree, which meant Hana would not be able to see Nader anymore. Her family would expect her to be home after work. It had been many years that she had not been home all day or part of the day. How could she manage to see Nader after the intense current semester? Talking to him in the cafeteria everyday was not enough anymore for either of them; and knowing that would be over soon, too, gave them both a sense of urgency and a despairing nihilism that they found no cure for it. Nader, being a man and more courageous, offered Hana a few months of ecstasy and thrill. It was tempting; but when the few months was gone, then what! Would she be able to have a normal life and never think about what she had done? She did not think so. She was wise enough that when someone would begin a liaison like this, there would be no end! Hana Knew the thrill that Nader was talking about was sex. Not having it, or having it without really knowing what it was, lured her beyond belief. She was tired of being good, naive, and virtuous. On the other hand, there were many risks involved, What if somebody found out, what if the pleasure drew her back from her family, and what if Nader was not an honest man and he was trying to use her. Nevertheless, the powerful drive made her to come to a decision which astonished Lila, her other- half. She was very much against it. Was that her conscience talking to her? But she had made up her mind. Now the question was where! They could not go to a hotel since they needed a marriage license; they could not get two rooms, since women could not get a hotel room without their husband; and they could not go to his or her house either.
She finally accepted his proposal by saying: "Where?"
Nader, shocked, held her hand and immediately let it go being afraid to be seen. He looked at her with spark in his eyes.
"My home!"
"What about your wife?"
"My wife and daughter are in Shiraz visiting her parents. They won't be back till next week."
Hana's acceptance to Nader's offer, deep down was because she knew they had no place; however, now that things seemed so easy, she was horrified and sorry for her scheme. But wanting to act brave for once, did not allow her to speak of her dread. Nader, however, read that in her eyes.
"You're not backing up, are you? We are talking about this for months. Let's forget it!"
"No, it is okay. " Hana's voice was barely audible.
When the appointed day came, bewildered Hana thought about sin, infidelity, dishonesty, and obscenity. She was going to see Nader in his house which was not very far from the university. In front of his house, she was fighting with herself to ring the bell or return. But Nader, who was watching her through the window, opened the door and relieved her of ambiguity. Inside his small apartment, his daughter's toys were scattered everywhere and his books covered the coffee table. His only sofa was covered with a white sheet, and his rugs were old and cheap. Everything showed the financial struggle of that family; but Hana was not a bank officer who looked for a collateral to give him a loan. She was there to give him her body. What they were about to do, perhaps was only a one time thing. Nader offered her a cold coke which she said no. Time, which never seemed to pass for Hana, was a valuable thing there, since they did not have much of it. They have missed a class for this. How did people start when they were involved in something like this? Wouldn't it supposed to be spontaneous, passionate? Wouldn't it require mood, right time, a nice meal, flower, a glass of wine, and candles, as Hana had seen it in American movies? Nothing there was right. She was standing in the middle of the room, mystified, with a strange man and wanted to get intimate with him. Did she really love him? She did not know! Wasn't that a desperate act for both of them? Didn't they want to connect without being chained of any obligation? Those terrible thoughts were still haunting Hana when she heard him, as though his voice was coming from some where far.
"Why don't you take your clothes out? We go to the bedroom."
Hana's trembling stopped her of responding. He repeated his question imagining she had not heard him the first time, but now his voice had some kind of authority in it. She still had her purse over one shoulder and her books in a briefcase which she was grabbing it with her other hand. She was still standing in the middle of the room, and was not sure what she was doing there. Suddenly she realized she had no feeling for this man and all the uncertainty she had had came to a despairing conclusion. She was there to mother him, as she had done with Hamid. She was feeling sorry for him that is why she had said yes. Nader saw her hesitation.
"What is the matter?" His voice was harsh.
Hana though for a moment. He could had at least clean up the place before she came.
"I must go. This is a mistake."
Don't you love me?" Nader begged.
"No, I don't. I can't do this."
"So you lied to me. You said you don't love your husband!"
"No, I didn't. I was honest. I don't love him. He's a monster; but I don't love you either." She said with a strong voice, Lila's voice.
"You know I can stop you."
"Just try! One of us will be dead!"
Nader shivered of her strange tone of voice that he had never heard before. Hana left his house like a lightening and never spoke to him for the duration of the remaining of college. Lila, her other- half, was happy that she did not go through this since she knew if she had, that would had been like a death sentence to her even if nobody would never know about it. Her family never found out about it. Hana tried to hide this secret even from herself and put it behind her.
~
To be Continued
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