UNFULFILLED-~`~` One, The Last Contact

The bearded man was still brainstorming to find out who she was, when she said:

"I just turn around, sir, please... Allow me to just turn around!"

Neda took advantage of this momentary puzzlement of the man and put her car in reverse, backed up to the side walk of a house. Then she shifted to one and sped out. She turned to an alley on her right, so narrow that she hit her car on both side. However there were many cars parked there. She eyed a spot, and parked her car. She knew that she had damaged her car both on body and underneath the car when she went on the side walk; but at this point she did not care for anything but to reach to her destination. She began running. Walking to where she was supposed to meet her daughter, was her last resort. She had left home early enough. If she hurried, she would make it on time. She estimated half an hour walking time to get there, to her daughter's friend's home. Arianna was doing this behind her parents' back. She wanted to meet Neda for the first time in her friend's home.

As she left the alley, she faced the surge of people, men, women, children, and all those machines, tanks, trucks; and all those bearded men.

"How am I going to make it in half an hour?" She reflected with distaste. Before being able to turn around and perhaps to go back to the alley where her car was parked, she was pushed by people right to the middle of the crowd. She listened to their slogans: "Death to the Shah, America is great Satan, death to America..." What were all these about? Could not they see that their riots would not bring them freedom?! Could not they compare this revolution with the ones before or in other countries and come to the conclusion that one corrupt regime would replace another? How about women? How could they be so blind? The ancient women of Persia, one could read in history books, had more rights than them in the Twentieth Century! How could all these women be so simple and naive? Could not they see that their stand in society with Theocracy Regime would be more horrible than before?

The December frost glowed on the branches of the plain trees. A chill ran into her bones. As she was pushed by people more and more out of her way, she spotted the side walk on the opposite side; a gleam of hope, even though it was the opposite of where she needed to go. "If I just make it there!" But for going there, she needed to cross the street which was filled not only with thousands of people, but also with tanks, trucks and military equipments. And there were men, men, women, children, and then women again who were holding babies and tagging along toddlers. The odor, the sound, the noise of the machines, and all those men dirty, unshaven, all carrying weapons, all had crowded the streets of Tehran!

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- ~~ One, The Last Contact

Imam Khomeini had become their God. They did not know, nobody knew that when he would return victoriously to the country after the long exile, he would give them neither security, nor electricity, nor clean water, nor good education for their children, nor freedom of speech and press, nor real equality for women; but a dictatorship and totalitarian regime worse than anything they had seen or had been written in the history books.

It was December of 1978. Nobody would have guessed that in a few short months, these bearded, dirty, smelly, uneducated people would take over the government, and the Shah would leave Iranian people on their own and would fly out to save himself and his family. Persians were not told that he had cancer. Nobody knew that he would become like a gypsy after leaving the country, looking for somewhere to die until President Sadat, the president of Egypt, his friend, would shelter him and he finally would die there. Not much later than that President Sadat, himself was assassinated.

Neda soon realized, as she was contemplating, that it was not the right time for her to even think about politics, especially being a woman, curiously being as famous as she was.

"I'm very sorry. I just have an emergency. I must go to Pahlavi Street."

The man's face turned red. It was clear that he was dismayed by her using the name of the street "Pahlavi", which was the last name of soon to be deposed the Shah of Iran.

"Pahlavi is dead! Don't you know it? Don't you see it?"

She said in her speaking mind, "not yet"! Nevertheless, she suddenly understood her mistake. These rioters hated the Pahlavi's Dynasty and everything that they stood for. Neda had no particular ambition about the Pahlavi regime. They had given women and workers a small equality, so small that most of the time they were not even noticeable. The Shah's father, Reza Shah had ordered women many years back to remove their Hejabs (covering their hair and body). Neda could not call that freedom. Of course women could go to college or get a job; but majority of them had fathers, brothers, or husbands, who stopped them of achieving those goals. They forced them to arrange marriages. She preferred to wear Hejab as long as she was completely free. Perhaps the reason that she had so many enemies besides her fans was that she had broken all the barriers that men put on her way and claimed her freedom and the way of life since the very young age.

"Oh, please forgive me. I just have an emergency, very..."

The armed man broke in with a voice that had passed its prime:

"Aren't you..." He could not remember the name; but it was obvious that he had recognized her perhaps from a magazine article about her or a television interview!

She felt oppressed and stifled beneath the stare of the armed man with his unshaven face. He was wearing military fatigue; which he most definitely had stolen when they had captured all the garrisons. He now had his hand on the edge of her car window. Neda discerned that he had vaguely identified her, the greatest poetess of their time, the one that rumors about her flew on every directions. The only thing that people did not know about her and had stayed her secret was her nineteen years old daughter. Nobody knew that Arianna even existed. She was not sure to whom she owed that, to the black law of the land, the hypocrisy at the hospital, her father, or the father of her daughter?

Most Iranian men, even before Revolution, referred to her as an impure woman. They did not want their daughters or wives to buy her books or to read them. The women who chose to read her poetry, did it on their own risk and when their men were not around.

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED- One, The Last Contact

The abyss she had been afraid to look in, now was opened again as mysteriously as when there had not been any chasm. She looked into it. To feel Neda's emotions and thoughts, one had to search nineteen years of foreign mental hardship that she had tried to avoid before but to no avail. To feel her daughter's, Arianna, psychological affliction, Neda had to put herself in her place. But was that Possible?

After that long, unexpected contact from her daughter, only in Neda's eyes since no one knew her true feeling, eyes that had been in anticipation for all these years, She put her long, loose coat on, wore a big scarf on her head and tied the two corners of it under her neck as carefully as she could do. Then she left home. To Kasra, her friend's questioning eyes, who was editing her last book, she said with a wave of her hand:

"It's been nineteen years!"

Kasra gave her a knowing glance and gently embraced her.

"I know. Be careful!"

As she drove up from the narrow street where her home was located on, she reflected on a poem she had written only a few days ago without knowing her long, unfulfilled yearning would be over soon; or that poem might had been the result of a dream she had had. She did not remember why she wrote it, but now she contemplated it:

"I know somewhere in a house so far,

Joy of living has changed to a war.

I know a child cries herself to sleep.

Longs her mother at side for keep.

But I am tired of dreams;

I only go on the journeys of extreme.

Poem is my lover, it is my friend.

I've taken only journeys to that end."

In the next street, before she was able to make a U turn to avoid the surge of the Revolutionists, a bearded man, acting as though in charge, jumped in front of her car and made her to come to a sudden halt. "Not now, ... not now!" She said those to herself with so much distaste for these people. She was about to disobey the man and circumvent his design. But the man was pointing his Uzi at her. He also had a Kalashnikov on his shoulder. Then she thought of that long awaited meeting. "No, no, I can't fight now." She rolled the window of her car down and then put her head on the steering wheel.

"Don't you know you can't drive here?" The bearded man broke in rudely.

She pondered for a second and felt sorry for these decadent and corrupt rioters, whom otherwise were just simple, uneducated people that had filled Tehran streets from their villages all over the country. Not long ago, they all were working in their farms and having difficult life. Now they worshiped or pretended to glorify something that did not exist. However they had made Imam Khomeini to look like God. She remembered a friend's words who was involved in Revolution not long ago: "They stole our Revolution!" In the short period between the two regimes, that vacuum was filled by religious power that otherwise had very little authority. When America turned its back to the Shah because of his human right violation, the Mullahs took over.

To Be Continued

UNFULFILLED

My dear readers,

Soon I will begin a new novel, named "UNFULFILLED".

Please join me again and read this novel. The life of a very famous poetess in Persia inspired me to write this.

The characters, personalities, events, names, and time of this story are all fiction. However the life of this poetess of early twentieth century inspired me to write this novel.

I began writing poetry at very young age of twelve. I am sure my poems those days were not of good caliber; nevertheless, having the craving for writing and the life of this poetess, inspired me at such young age to begin writing, while the quality of my writing were of no value. At the time that I was twelve years old, this poetess was already passed on.

As it is my custom to dedicate my books to my families, far and near, I also like to dedicate "Unfulfilled" to her.

I hope you stay with me and recommend me to your friends and families to become my followers, too.

As I said many times before in the world that the celebrities are taken over the publishing, while they have the opportunities to advertise their books on TV or radio, it is very difficult for real writer, like me or people like me to publish their books. Therefore, the more follower I have, the better chance that a publisher may give me a chance.

After Publishing my autobiography, "THE RAIN STOPS IN TEXAS", A WOMAN'S STRUGGLE FROM OPPRESSION TO FREEDOM in 1997, I haven't had much of a chance to find a publisher for my books. My publisher passed out a few years after the above book was published

, and his publishing company was closed afterward.

As I always I am truly grateful for my followers and their comments.

You will see the posting of "Unfulfilled" very soon.

SEE YOU SOON...

Secrets<><^^^^ Chapter Seven

Tim reached into his pants pockets for a poem he had written about his death and he had planned to read it for these people after they would hear about his disease. In a way his plan was to make his deadly secret more dramatized by reading the poem. Ha had not known that by the time his turn would come, like most of the people inside, he was also a changed man. His meanness would be gone. Now he did not want to read it for them. But he just wanted to read it for himself. By nature he was not a poet, he was a researcher of old English Literature; but he did write poetry every once in a while. He read it to himself:

"My death will come a day

Of a spring full of sun ray,

Or a Winter far and dark,

Or an autumn empty of spark.

*

My death will come a day

With sweetness or dismay.

My eyes will be filled with sunset.

My cheeks will be cold and wet.

Suddenly sleep will rob me.

My pain leaves me, and I can't see.

My hand will creep on the page.

But magic of poetry has left it with rage.

Then I remember a day that my hand

Blazed poetry, bled with my command.

Now earth calls me into it.

They're coming, it's time to quit.

But maybe, maybe at midnight

A lover comes to my grave with a light.

But I know after my death

The shadow of my life's breath

Will come to existence by

Someone who looks at my poems with sigh.

They will search my small room

When I'm gone to the womb.

Without remembering me, they see

A few strand of hair next to my poetry.

In earth, my cold body and face

Are squeezed in this strange place.

Without you, far from beating of your heart

My body deteriorates, it falls apart.

Later, my name will be erased;

By rain and wind, it will be disgraced.

My grave will become unknown.

Stories of fame and shame will be blown."

After reading the poem, he folded the paper and put it back in his pocket. He started a cigarette and looked around as blowing a circle of smoke towards the sun. He thought to himself as a man of protest, an educated man, who had not been morally sensitive, who had not been able to find a desirable place for himself in this world, who had been responsible for all his fantasies, selfishness, and dashed hopes, and who had not been able to find his true center! Why the effort, the schooling, the working, the perpetuating? What was the sense? And he knew that such a man would often end up in self ravage or submission.

He knew people inside the walls were feeling his pain, if not for their own well being, but for their characters; but he also knew that Ed's feeling at that moment was mixed with some sort of revenge, like saying: "Now we're even."

He was thankful that no one had followed him outside. Perhaps they all realized that he needed some time alone after a full night of being in control of everyone like a play in the theater. The curtain had fallen. The main character was dead; but very soon he would get up and bow before people who were all clapping and hurrahing for the beautiful roll he had played. As he was reflecting and thinking about others, he heard a footstep. He turned his head and saw Rosa approaching him.

She sat next to him, being afraid to offer her hand in case of rejection. Tim looked at her; and found her even more beautiful than ever. He thought Rosa was in a season of her life that most women suddenly begin to bloom.He handed her the poem he had thought earlier to keep it only to himself, and asked her to read it. Rosa began reading it in silence. He asked her to read it aloud. He enjoyed hearing her voice.

"Why?" Rosa asked.

"I like to look at you when you read. Your eyes shine so bright when you read aloud."

After Rosa finished reading his poem aloud, he asked her if he could kiss her. She said yes. He prolonged the kiss on her neck and renewed it for a few times. Rosa dared to hold his hand. Tim kissed the tip of her fingers, while his face showed an uncontrollable contraction of pain.

He knew that now Rosa was close to Jacob and Diana. That thought before perhaps would had made him jealous; but not now. On the contrary, the thought of Rosa's closeness to her father and Diana brought a light to his somber face. He was overcome to look at this beautiful woman, soon he would be part of her past forever. And he showed that in his gentle manner. Rosa understood everything.

"All these times we were together," Tim began: "I thought you were an arrogant girl, who had no intention in loving me, but only despising me for my selfishness!"

Rosa reflected for a moment. What Tim said was partially true. However, she did not feel that way any longer.

"Honestly, I was and I wasn't. It's hard to say. I always admired you. That is a fact; but at the same time I despised you. Now everything is different, I feel..." She stopped.

"Why don't you finish? You wanted to say that you feel sorry for me now. I'm not offended a bit. That is a natural feeling." He concluded.

"I think it's time to end this party. I'm staying here so we can call Vickie and and go after her. I'll call you later."

"You're right. It's time to go, my time to go!"

"Don't talk like that. Have fate." Rosa murmured.

"I don't believe what you've just said, fate? I've already told you many times that I don't believe in anything. You told me that you don't believe in anything either, remember? Anything that people hang on to because of their own mortality is only abstract. Theoretical religion or fate doesn't exist, can't exist!"

Rosa pulled her hand from his and picked a cigarette from the table.

"I didn't know you smoke!" Tim said.

"I'm just starting." Rosa responded.

"Can we stay friend until...?" Tim asked.

"Sure, but I must say that I can't deny to you or myself the insecurity I will face without you."

"Thanks, sweet heart. That felt good. I feel insecure without you, too." Tim said with an obvious pain in his face. "Let's go inside."

They both rose and went inside. Ed and Thui were gone. Jacob and Diana were sitting next to each other, in a very intimate way. Jacob's arm was around Dian's shoulder, her head was on his chest. They looked at Tim and Rosa as they entered the room.

A symphony of Mozart was played on their tape recorder. Rosa and Tim sat hand in hand. Tim wanted to hear that music before leaving. He knew it very well; and he knew what this music could do to him.

He waited, waited. Suddenly he was seized by the part he was waiting for, the last part, the part that enchanting frolic of the music which was up to now was exhilarating, all of a sudden was changed to a storm of deplorable sadness... He reflected... He was inspired... And he was ready to leave.

*****************************THE END****************************

Secrets (*)(*)(*)(*) Chapter Seven

Now Tim could see through the eyes of the people he had maliciously hurt since last night and also throughout his life. He had no right, even though his right had been violated. Now he could turn away, walk away, or even die without trying to disenchant himself. His life, he realized, had been a great nothingness up to now. He thought of the pain, both physically and emotionally he was going through. He said to himself: "If I have to choose between nothingness I had had it for a long time and pain I have now, I choose the pain." He sighed. He was aware of his imminent death, but yet he knew that it was life that always would be victorious. He was beaten, he felt beaten, but not by people as he had thought before, but by the life which would go on after him.

Now it was time for him to stand for everlasting values, the values that throughout the history of mankind, all philosophers, educators, poets, writers, and... he stood for. Now it was time for him to forget hate and admire love, like the love he had for his son, like the love he had for Rosa, like the love he had for his books, like the love he had for his friendship with Jacob. For he knew after his death, the sun would still shine, and the flowers would still bloom, and the birds would still sing.

He repeated the word "love" in his speaking mind, unable to avoid the inwardly sensible enjoyment of his own freedom of any kind of restraint in his mental view. Nevertheless, a pain grabbed his heart. He was losing everything at the time he had come to appreciate them. It was too late. Things for him soon would be only a great nothingness that he had feared all his life. Everything was becoming dark, even the bright morning was changing to a dark night. He thought people inside perhaps wanted to save him; but he would be saved only by his death. But there, in his grave, he would not be able to exchange dreams; there would not be crowded streets, or the great vitality. Everything would be still. Was his life up to that point enough for all he wished now? He felt he needed to explore more of the human endeavor, there was no sense, it was not good anymore; it was too late!

Sitting there on the garden chair with the half eaten pearl still in his hand, not in his own home, but a friend's, he felt a force within him to admit that never before he had thought indispensably adequate necessity. He acknowledged to himself the fear he had had about the true, brave ideas, and the fundamental concepts of life; and how he had walked away from them all. He was not afraid anymore. Now in that morning of ending summer, that warm September day, his mind traveled from one subject to another.

He thought to himself that soon, perhaps he would be wasted physically. But that really did not bother him much. What was upsetting to him was the waste of his intellect, loss of his mind was the thing he would regret the most. His greatest fear was the disappearing of his mental activity. He had heard horror stories about the last stages of this disease. And that was why he was determined not to allow the doctors use his body as a guinea pig, and to fill him up with all different, new or old drugs. And that was why he was decisive to end his life before reaching to that stage of not functioning, especially mentally.

Now he was very much attentive to his innermost feelings. He thought about his days with Rosa. Many of them were wonderful- a connecting of widespread and disparate ideas. He admitted that he had accumulated much wisdom from her. That admission made him chastise himself for behaving so badly. He now knew that he had undermined the ideas, views, the rationality of others whether he found them tender, or he was confused or repulsive by them. This profound, yet bitter understanding made him even more puzzled.

To Be Continued

Secrets <><><><> Chapter Seven

Tim got up and walked outside to the yard, leaving everyone in the room in awe. The breeze, the bright morning sun, the big, juicy pears on the tree, none of then now could bring him the solitary peace he had always yearned for. In fact, he was internally in uproar. He looked around and tried to understand how it was possible for him not having any feeling for nature he always admired so much. The morning had begun its glory; the sun had risen in east, and a part of it now was hidden behind a small plantation of pine trees about a quarter of a mile from where he stood. Nevertheless, its ray reached unlimitedly across, and they fell on the stillness of bunch of trees. Those rays penetrated the leaves, threw light on the trunks of the trees. From where he stood, the leaves seemed almost blue color and above them in the white sky, the sun imparted a trace of glowing colors.

He sat on the garden chair filled with melancholy, yet clear thoughts. He realized for the first time the distance which was separating him from everyone, especially Rosa, whom he had discovered his profound and confused feeling for her only this morning. He was not sure when he would die or take his own life, but he was certain that the gap between Rosa and he would deepen as time would pass. He foresaw the happy family, united by fate and hate, struggling to make sense of everything, striving to connect again and forever, attempting to tie the lose ends, things that in the first place had caused all these disasters. But one thing he was certain of, like a mother's intuition, very certain, that Rosa was not infected. He had made sure of that.

He, no longer wanted to repress himself. Everything was clear like water. A force was risen in him that he treasured it. Now he valued life which was not his, civilization which was precious, and nature which was fruitful. Yes, all of these were now important. He pulled a branch of the pearl tree close to him where he was sitting and took one pearl and looked at it. How beautiful! He cut a piece of it with his teeth like an angry animal, and tasted the sweet pearl in his mouth. All these treasures in world were requirements for life, for prosperity. He was only a second, a small cell in the life of universe. He did not matter. He knew know that he had no right to indulge himself in the great satisfaction of his own personal egoism. Yes, everything was now clear.

To Be Continued

Secrets#@#@#@ Chapter Seven

Tim lowered his head. He did not expect to hear such things from Rosa. Tear flooded down his cheeks. No one had ever seen such tears in the eyes of a man, a man who played the role of toughness so well. But beneath those tears, he just learned that some degree of happiness could be achievable in this world, as his heart overflowed with gratitude and awe.

As he was filled with a feeling that he had never experienced, he thought to himself about the small bit of universe he occupied. His piece of world that he occupied, in comparison to the rest of the world, seemed so minute and small but it belonged to him and it was not a great concern to others. He thought of the period of the time which was his, and his only, to live. It was indefinitely and exceedingly small compare to the entire eternity, the infinity in which he had not been and would not be. But yet, here in this house, in this small bit, himself, in this period of exactness, precision, and accuracy, his blood flowed, his brain worked affectedly, and his heart longed ambitiously. He sighed and said under his tongue: "Life, what an atrocious business!"

He walked to the window and looked through the open window at the nature outside. A withered leaf was separated from its stem and hovering to the ground. Its movement to him was like a butterfly. He thought how strange something so dead, so mournful, the withered leaf, could be so alive like a butterfly, a living thing so happy and full of life!

The awe among others continued. When Tim returned to his seat, he realized by looking at others that no one in that room had any animosity against him anymore. That made him happy and comfortable, after all comfort, he could not deny, was something he had always liked. But at the same time he felt no desire or very little desire to live. He knew what other thought at that moment.He said to himself: "Let them render this opposite contradiction as best as they can!" It was not his place anymore to prove his position or to fight for his dignity. He knew from looking into their eyes that he was just a pure infirmity then to them.

He was happy, a happiness he had not felt for so long. He was contented because he could not see if time was passing, if it was passing fast or slow! His orderly routine was now in place, it was not upset and he liked it. All his life he had managed to live with such an irreproachable normality that there was not any place left for sadness or dullness. Nevertheless, since he had learned about his deadly disease, his methodical custom was disturbed. This morning, in this house, among these people, he suddenly felt peace again.

The feel of the fresh air, coming from the open window on his face and body made him to tear apart from that sad restlessness he had felt that entire night. He knew now for fact that Rosa, as he had thought before, was not patronizing him. With her, he had always had the feeling that he should be grateful to her. But now, right now, that was not how he felt or thought. He now recognized that young hearts, like Rosa's, would not be burdened by those kind s of sensations; but by feelings of gratitude and understanding.

Putting aside all his vanities, at that moment, he thought to himself that young people like Rosa, however were much further from the truth of the matter than people like him, old, because of sickness. Nonetheless, he could not help thinking that those young had something that he, the old, lacked; something that gave them a gain and power over him. Perhaps it was not all their youth. He thought their advantage, perhaps, was because they had less marks of their mental slavery than him.

To Be Continued

Secrets- ^<>^<> Chapter Seven

Tim's brown, boyish eyes showed a fervent enthusiasm. Nevertheless, a shadow of vexation was showed in his entire aura. Others in that room had guessed earlier an obstacle, a block, unforeseen and unpleasant about him; but they had not been able to put their fingers on it. Now everything was clear. He was dying; but he wanted to end his life before the death, itself would come to him. It seemed so natural, so normal. There was not a person in that room who would not want to do the same under the same condition. They all understood. Nonetheless, as a suggestion, Ed, who had been silent for a long time, said:

"You know they've done a lot of research these days to cure Aids. The death rate because of these researches have dropped tremendously in recent years. May be you have a chance."

Tim hissed at Ed with clenched teeth, as his irate brown eyes glared at him with disgust:

"It's all about prolonging a miserable and shameful life, nothing else. I don't want to be a guinea pig. No, that's not the way I want to die. I have no one to consider living for, I have no family, no wife, no children, thanks to you. I am alone, have been alone, and I die alone on my own terms.

"I'm not regretful of the people I might have infected; but I am very much ashamed of not telling Rosa. I've truly liked her, loved her. I'm hoping that she is okay. I've made sure that she is okay. I haven't even kissed her lips since I found about I was HIV positive. Ask her. She knows it. She thought that I didn't love her anymore; but she didn't know that loving her was the reason of not kissing her.

"I know there is not any amount of money in this world to outweigh the suffering I may have caused her; however, I thought by willing everything I have, I mean everything, to her, I may offset just a little of the pain I've brought to her. Besides I have no one else.

"You may not believe this, but it's true. I am talking about my feelings for Rosa. Most of the time my feeling for her had been a fatherly one; but I couldn't tell her that. So I had to play the role of a lover. I'm sure she is going to be okay..."

"Who are you to tell me that I'll be okay? Are you a doctor or an oracle? And I don't need your stuff. I want my life back." Rosa said, distorting her face in an expression of an intense anger.

Tim got up from his chair, walked to Rosa, who was sitting next to Jacob, and looked at her with a look that was not familiar to Rosa, a benevolent stare. Rosa was shaking. Her trembling was so obvious that everyone noticed it. To avoid that shaking, she tried to get up, but her knees could not handle her weak, shaky body, and before collapsing, Tim got hold of her, gathered the hopeless woman into his arms, and covered her face with teary kisses.

"Rosa, I am so, so sorry..."

Then he almost handed her to Jacob, and went back to his seat and sat with a somber and mournful face.

Diana, who had not stopped crying since the news of her daughter's well being, came to Rosa, knelt down in front of her, and hugged her knees. She felt for Rosa a deep, profound love, as though she was her own daughter.

"Sweet heart, I know you'll be okay. We go to have you checked out just this morning, even before calling Vickie."

Rosa suddenly calmed down by this motherly love of a mother she had found the night before. She made Diana to get up and sit next to her. The feeling to sit between Jacob and Diana brought back her inherent strength. She blinked away her tears, looked straight in Tim's direction, and said with a shaky voice:

"Can you believe yesterday evening we came here because we had so much hatred in us. I half way destroyed their daughter and look at them how they show me so much love. You half way destroyed me, now look at you how you show me love. When first I met you, I found you such an interesting conversationalist. Talking to you for me then was like facing a situation of greater danger. At first I was frightened, but later I became courageous. Our relationship to me was like an adventurous journey when one faces risks along with pleasure. Sometimes I felt in love with you, other times, I hated you, sometimes I liked you, other times I detested you. But never, never. I thought of this kind of danger, my life; even though we both liked to play dangerous games. I don't know what to think or feel now. I want to be mad, angry, but I'm not anymore. I want to hate you, but I don't. It's funny, I understand why you didn't tell me. I think I would have done the same if I was you. I now can forgive you, even if I am infected. Now you can die in peace. Now if you want me, I can help you die peacefully."

To Be Continued

SEcrets- #~#~#~ Chapter Seven

"You know," Tim began again. " women strive to influence the reluctant hearts of men from our chest by smooth, flattering words; and we hand our hearts over to them. They stepped on it but not from ill intent, but from thoughtlessness. They've done wrong to me, so I thought I do wrong to them. But Rosa, Honestly, I didn't intend to do harm to you. I was afraid if I told you the truth, you would leave me. I didn't want to lose you; and besides I thought I was like a magnifying mirror, showing you how you might grow and what you might become."

Jacob, who no longer could stay calm, after drinking a big gulp of water, said:

"Tim, weren't you the one that once told me that in any confrontation, absolute honesty is the most powerful tool; it would throw your rival off balance?"

"Yes, I remember it very well. You know I am an ideological person. I preach things that I don't follow myself. What Can I say except being so sorry for all these pains I've caused all of you since last night, even Ed, even Thui, by forcing her to tell us a story that she didn't want to recall?

"You know, you can criticize me, beat me up, slap me, whatever..., but nothing is going to change the fact that I'm dying. I found out only last month that I have Aids. I learned that I was HIV positive, as I said before, about a year and half ago when I was just doing a routine check up. Since then I've gone to the doctor regularly. I have taken cocktails of medicine to keep the virus in control. Last month when I saw some red spot on my chest, I panicked. It came as a shock even though I was waiting for it. To Rosa, who saw those spots, I just simply said that they were allergic reaction to a medicine I was taking for flu. Then I had some lesions on my face. I tried to cover them up by make up when I went to college. What else can I say?

"You know death is an old thing but it comes new to everyone. But I am not afraid, not yet. Very soon, I lose my consciousness, and then the end will be here. But I must be the master of my own death. I never let a disease determine my destiny. I am in charge of my own finality; and as I said before, I'll end my life before Aids ends it for me.

"Well, what can I say to you now Rosa..., that I love you? That has never made sense with me, and it doesn't make sense now. Love is a feeling, a beautiful, yet intense feeling, and my particular love is already falling apart.

"Soon, I'll die. It's strange. I want to concentrate my thoughts on death but nothing comes of it. I merely see a kind of obscurity..., that is all.

"Just look at this gloomy, tormented me, like a worm which is partially squashed but is still writhing. But there was a time that I thought of all the things I should do, and I would never die, not me. There were things to do, problems to solve, and I was the man to do them. Now the only problem this superman, this important man has is to die in somewhat decent manner. I know it make no difference to you how I die. It's useless. I'm not going to change now.

"You think I'm talking this way because I'm depressed, no, I'm not. I am just stating the facts, the truth of dying. For me it will happen very soon, much sooner than you can imagine. And when I'm dead, no matter how vehement, transgressive, and defiant my heart is in the grave, the weeds and may be flowers which will grow over it, glance at me without disturbance with their silent eyes. They talk to me only about the perpetual serenity of the enormous tranquillity of careless nature, but they also tell me of the eternal admonishment of life beyond my grave, which never ends.

"I don't mean anything to all of you now and that is why you look at me with such sad eyes. Your feelings towards me is like placing flowers on my grave."

To Be Continued

Secrets-\|\|\ Chapter Seven

Tim stopped. It was not hard for his listeners to guess that he had a deadly disease; but hearing the words "Aids" brought s shock to everyone. Their gazes were sever and oddly disdainful. Nevertheless, almost chocked and grasping for air, Rosa's lips curled in a deplorable grimace of mournfulness.

"How could you do this to me, how could you?"She cried hysterically, her teeth clenched, as her enraged brown eyes glared at Tim with infuriation.

"I told you that I've done wrong in my life, many wrongs. This is one of them, not telling you. But I've always used protection, haven't I? You know it!"

"It doesn't matter. You've known t for all these times and never told me. If you want to die, I don't. How could you, how?" Rosa said, her eyelid were lowered, and her face contracted in an expression of the painful discovery.

No one was able to say anything. However Jacob's first reaction, which he, for the time being, kept to himself, was to have Rosa tested as soon as this doomed holiday and party was over.

The sky outside that was stifling room suddenly became white.

"Let's hope for the best, Rosa." Tim said desperately. "I'm regretful and ashamed of what I've done; but I have a feeling that you're okay. You're too young to have the experience that this terrible memory will be eliminated from your heart, and only the pleasant ones will be magnified in your mind after I'm gone. Then, and only then, you will decide the desire to forget me and forgive me and that will be the most vigorous persuasion for remembering me."

"Never!" Rosa cried. "I'll always have enough wisdom to know that they are not the memory of love or what we had, but the image of a sorrow of being trapped by you when you're dead."

"I guess you're right." Tim whispered. "You know, we men are the wretched menial of believing that we're superior. Audacity is almost a man's spite on his woman. Your independence, your ideals, your goals, and everything else that you have, made me believe that you would never be the wife I dreamed of. And besides, you're too, too young. I knew somewhere, somehow, you'll leave me; when you're done with your education, when you're done with your revenge on your father. I've been only a bridge for you, a bridge that you cross it and never look back at it. All these beliefs made me not to care. Some one gave me the HIV Virus, not you, but someone, and I intended that pass it around. Yes, that is a confession that I was not fateful to you. You, in the last three years , have bled my beliefs until I lost my consciousness.

"Nonetheless, I liked you, I still do. I thought you had guts, you had fire in you. I admire you. That is why when I learned I was HIV positive, I began using protection, remember. You even once told me that you're on birth control pill, why use protection. I answered you just to be hundred percent sure. You never argued anymore. You let it go by that.

"Remember, there is always something to be learned and gained from even the gloomiest and dullest chapter in your life. Nothing is wasted." Tim concluded.

The morning poured into the room. The color of it met every one's eyes. Diana opened the window. So much pure scented air leaped in. She thought she could weep with the thrill of seeing her daughter soon; but at the same time, she could cry with the horrifying knowledge that Rosa might be infected by HIV Virus.

To Be Continued

Secrets- ~~~~ Chapter Seven

##

"You know, I feel old now, very old." Tim began while sending a circle of smoke from his cigarette into air.

"Once someone asked me when one gets old. I thought about this question which seemed superficial at the time, yet it's very profound. After long and hard thinking, I answered him: 'When you don't feel good. When you're sick.' I also told him that the old age, meaning when you're not feeling good, is an unseemly condition that must be ended before its factual time.

"Sometimes I wake up at night by a nightmare, and after I get hold of myself, I realized that death is not a probability of an indefinite finality, as I always thought, but it is an instant actuality. All these thoughts brought me the realization that I must be, should be the master of my own death. And all I want from you, if by any chance you care for me, is when the time comes, help me to overcome the fear of dying. That is all I ask from you.

"But considering my own situation, my deadly disease, I've done wrong to many people. I must confess this morning of all my wrong doings, of my knowingly doing wrong. The strange thing about it is, knowing I was doing wrong and I wanted to do it; and I enjoyed doing it. But as Rosa said many times since last night that she is a changed person, I am, too, a changed person. I, who was so proud of my wrong doing for a long time, am very ashamed of myself this morning.

"After all I'm not going to die as I've always wanted or wished. What was my wish? You may not believe it but it's true, very true. I've always wished to have a family, a wife, children; and then when children are grown and gone, my wife and I, two old people, live and take care of each other. And when our times come, two of us, very old and encircled by death, having everything in common, like the memory of an evanescent past which is not anymore but belongs to two young people whom we don't recognize them anymore.

"But damn my luck, because that is not my case. I'm not very old; I'm only sixty one. I've never told my age to anyone. But now it doesn't matter. Anyhow, I feel old even though on the surface no one can tell. I tried to wear a mask for a long time. Even with Rosa, I've never taken my mask out. No one knows what is inside of me for the last one and half years. I thought what happened to my son was devastating, but wait until you hear what happened to me! Now I understand why my son took his life, because that is what I intend to do very soon. I prefer people say Professor Tim committed suicide than say that he died from Aids."

To Be Continued

Secrets- {~}~{ Chapter Seven

"when Vickie was in the hospital..." Rosa began, crying. She could not continue.

"What happened? What happened?" Jacob demanded.

"There was so much damage done to her by that woman that they had to do a surgery on her to save her life. She can't have children. They had to do a hysterectomy on her. That was the time I gave her my blood."

A sudden hush filled the room. But suddenly Jacob did what no one had ever seen him to do. He threw the glass of water in front of him against the wall. It broke with a loud noise and small pieces of glass scattered all over the place.

"Damn you! Had any one prosecuted that woman, that midwife, who did this to my daughter?"

Rosa Sighed: "Yes, she is in prison now, and for a long time. I made sure that she got what she deserved."

Jacob wiped the sweat from his forehead. Diana was not able to cry. There was no more tears left in her eyes. Then suddenly she smiled, a grimace of beam through the mist of her grief, a surprising, yet painful joy on her face.

"I guess I shouldn't be so upset. After all I never thought I would see my daughter again. Now I know she is okay and I'll see her soon. For all these three damn years, I've tried to compensate her loss as much as I could by erosion of her memory, her pictures, her clothes,... Now, soon, I'll have her, I can hug her, smell her, kiss her. No, I'm not upset, I am happy.

"And Rosa, I'm not angry at you at all. We all learned some lessons since last night. I think you also have acquired many knowledge in this terrible ordeal you've gone through. In fact, I think your misery has been greater than all in my family. I can't be your mother, but I want to be your friend. I want you consider here your home from now on. I want you to be free of every evil, and I want you to be part of this family."

Rosa's eyes filled with tears. She stayed in her seat. A hot flash ran into her head. Regretful of what she had done, she was shameful, yet overwhelmed. Diana, as Tim had just said, was the purest one amongst all of them. How could she not only forgive her and but also accept her as part of her family? Now after all these years, she had a family; she had real friends. She had begun by wanting to ruin this family; now she was part of them. As shameful as she was, she really wanted to hear something from Jacob. She wanted to know how he felt about her; if he could forgive her as Diana could; if he would accept her as a member of his family as Diana did. But she could not and would not ask him about how he felt about her. She knew it had to come naturally from him, as it did from Diana, otherwise it would not be right or true. But she did not know that Jacob had already forgiven her, and he wanted her to be part of his family. After all the malicious things she had done, later she had tried to correct them; and they were all the result of the influence of her mother all her life. But Jacob was in so much shock to show any favorable sign to Rosa.

However Jacob recognized Rosa's desire despite the uproar in the house. Through his maddened sorrow learning all about Vickie, he looked at Rosa with love, contempt, and pity with eyes which were shinny, yet grief- stricken and grateful, and said:

"I'm a lucky man, Tim. You're right; Diana is the best thing has ever happened to me, not my PhD, or books or anything in this world that I've accomplished. She is the most important to me than everything else. She's always shown greatness; and now she is showing even more greatness to Rosa, who almost destroyed her daughter. I wouldn't accept anything less from her.

"And you, Rosa, how can I hold any grudge against you? You're me, you're my blood. Your mind was poisoned; but now you're back; now you're healthy; you're yourself. I'm more than happy to find you. I can't even find the right word to describe my feeling towards you now. I want to be your father if it isn't too late. We can be good friends, all of us..."

Rosa's slow sobbing changed to a loud cry, Her shoulders shook. Diana came to her and hugged her, and then murmured something in her ear. Rosa looked up at her, and then stopped crying. The happy family, however, did not know how Tim's secret would once more diminish their unity and happiness.

~`

To Be Continued

Secrets- ~`~` Chapter Seven

"What is it?" Diana asked.

"It's a poem that Vickie wrote and she give it to me so I can pass it on to you two. It's dedicated to both of you."

"I didn't know that Vickie writes poems!" Jacob said solemnly.

"Oh, she is very talented, Just like you two. I've read many of her poems. She is very good. She just need some practice."

Diana read the poem to herself. Tears flooded her eyes. Then she gave the paper to Rosa and asked her to read it loud for everyone. Rosa read:

"Among the obscure gloom

You called me back to your womb.

It was silence, and the breeze

Moved the curtains with such an ease.

I saw in the dull sky,

One star was passing by,

One star was burning,

And one star was returning.

*

I called you...

I called you...

All my life, like a sharp knife

Was within me with strife.

Moon's white stare

Reflected the window from air.

*

There, all night, inside my heart with fright,

From hopelessness someone with rage,

Breathed heavily among foliage.

Someone would call.

Someone would want me all.

*

There, all night, from branches so black at site

Sadness and obscurity would fall;

A hopeless someone would crawl.

It is me that she would call.

*

Mom says: 'My little Vickie

Soared with the wind to be free.

A wind that took her away.

A wind that made the sky gray.' "

After Rosa finished reading, Diana wiped her teary eyes and said:

"You know, I've thought about Vickie as no one could imagined in the last three years. I've had a premonition that she would be home one day, which she wasn't. I had a portent that she would be where I wanted her, which she couldn't. Sometimes I've even waken up in the middle of the night with the strange sensation that she was staring at me in the dark room. But all of those are now over. She is coming home. We are going to get her now."

She looked at Jacob for approval. He nodded his head.

"Let's call her. And then we drive to her place and bring her home. What is her number, Rosa?"

"Oh, wait a minute, not yet. I didn't know any of these. Rosa never told me any of these." Tim began. Every time he spoke, it was like another nightmare would begin again. "You can call her later; but first you must hear my story."

"We don't want to know your story. We don't care to know it. Let's stop this madness now. I want to call my daughter now." Diana said, distorting her face in a deep- felt annoyance.

"Diana, you're the last person I want to hurt." Tim began. "When Rosa said that I'm a hateful person, she was and is right. But I swear I'm not hateful to you. You're the only decent person amongst us. You're pure; you're clean. You're very far away from any guilt that we all have. But I must say my story. It must be heard. It's vital to be heard. You can call her after I finish."

"For many years you've been talking about your secret. I've known you for four and half years. Is there any more surprises about you that I should now?" Rosa demanded of Tim.

"You may call it surprise, Rosa. I'm sure when you hear it, you'll understand why it's vital for all of us especially you, Rosa, to know my secret."

"It's six in the morning. We've been here in this torture chamber for the last twelve hours. We must go home now."Ed said with a somber look.

"I don't care if you stay or go. I'm done with you. I'm done with your loving wife and mother of your children. Just be careful she doesn't kill them. If you want to leave, go right ahead." Tim said coldly.

Ed and Thui remained in their seat even though Tim said that they could go. It seemed as though their curiosity to see how this party would end was much greater than their need to go home.

"If we must hear your story, then we should." Dian said, blinking her tears away. "I'm going to make a pot of coffee."

"Diana, please let me do it." Rosa said and then walked to the kitchen to make the coffee. When she returned, everyone was sitting with tenacity to hear Tim's secrets, which was to be the worst, the most repulsive of all.

In his energetic, sometimes profane way of speaking, Tim dabbed a stiff forefinger at Rosa and said:

"Rosa, I knew all about Vickie and you, the way you helped her; but the last part that you came to this house with a message in a form of a poem from her to her parents, you never told me. You hid that from me. But I also know something else about Vickie that you told me and you left it out telling her story. Do you want to tell that yourself or you want me to tell them?"

Sob rose in Rosa's throat. Her eyelids lowered. Her face contracted in a grimace of painful forbearance.

"I tell them." Rosa said with a muffled voice.

To Be Continued

Secrets- Chapter Seven

The happy ending of Rosa's story brought tears to every one's eyes; nonetheless, Diana's tears were not only because of the joyous knowledge of her daughter's well being and desire for her return, but they were also for Rosa's lost soul. She murmured the poem she had written, titled "Lost Soul", which was a description of her own and her daughter's Vickie's feelings, for she knew her daughter so well that she could tell how most likely she felt in the last three years being absent from the house. Somehow she knew of her desire for returning home, and she knew of her pride which she inherited from her father, not to return.

She muttered with almost closed mouth the poem, "lost soul", trying to remember all the lines, trying to picture the poem in her book.

"Walking among the walkers, confined."

In that deadly silence, everyone heard her stifled voice. Jacob asked her"

"You want to read the lost soul, don't you?"

Everyone seemed confused. But Diana knew that her husband saw through her very well. And she realized that she had read that poem to Jacob many times.

"Yes, I go get my book. This poem is about me, Vickie and now you, Rosa."

Rosa did not say anything. Diana began reading, looking at the earlier lines she had already read in her speaking mind to find the thread she had lost:

"Walking among the walkers, confined.

Looking among the observers, blind.

So much sadness in me, and I an voiceless.

So much uproar at my side, and I am spiritless.

|

In my thoughts, no more feeling or passion.

In my heart, no more thrill or compassion.

I am a vast field without green.

I am a tall mountain without sheen.

#

Inside me burned so much light.

Now they're turned to a sad sea, falling of my sight.

Old and bitter story is my friend.

I am the walker at the dusk to the end.

=

The waves of darkness and silence,

Draw life out of me like suspense.

Walking among the walkers, confined,

Counting the homes I've left behind.

Looking among the observers, blind.

Hearing the sound of life, undefined."

When she finished, it seemed that she had returned from far away and very long travel. The ambiance was such that no one knew whether Diana and Jacob contact Vickie or not. Rosa, who felt a little stronger after hearing Diana's poem, even though it was so sad, slowly got up and went to Diana. She hugged and kissed her. Then opened her purse and took a piece of paper out of it and gave it to Diana.

To Be Continued

SEcrets-XXX Chapter Six

Suddenly Rosa stopped talking. Jacob got up and walked to Diana which now was sitting next to the window and chain smoking. She was crying hysterically. He hugged his wife, and then they both cried as though they had heard the news of their daughter's death.

Thui went to the kitchen and brought a pitcher of iced water, poured two glasses for Jacob and Diana and then sat back on her former place.

Ed Felt that Jacob and Diana's pain was much greater than his pain earlier. The only true love that he had always felt without any corruption was for his children. He told himself that except special occasion the love for one's children was universal.

Tim, on the other hand, did not move, did not even blink. He was sitting on the edge of his chair, bending his head and resting his chin on his hand. Nevertheless, in his expressionless face, one could see a world of sadness. He looked like a man that was ready to leave but kept telling himself, another minute, ...

Moments passed. Jacob sat next to Diana. Then he gave a long glance to Rosa.

"I want to hate you, but I can't." He repeated that again and again, unable to resist the painful awareness of repeating himself. Suddenly he stopped, as though remembering something, as though a though entered his mind.

"She called us around the time you're talking about!"

"That is true. I insisted on her calling you." Rosa responded despondently.

"Wait a minute; this doesn't make sense. She asked for money. She gave us an address. Actually a post office box in Virginia. If she was in Dallas.... No, no, this doesn't make sense, no... " Jacob was outrageous. He was shaking all over his body

"I can explain. I know all about it. " Rosa said in despair.

"Well, she was over five months pregnant. She wasn't sure who the father was. She wanted to have an abortion. I told her that was too risky; I meant being five months pregnant. She said that she didn't care. She said that she rather die than having a baby under that condition. We talked a lot that night. I told her that she needed to contact you. She refused. But then she said she needed money for abortion. I told her if I couldn't stop her, I might as well help her financially. She said no. She was angry at me. But later she became friendly again. She said she was sorry for being upset with me. I couldn't tell her that she had every right to be angry at me. She said the only help she wanted from me was that her parents wouldn't find out that she was in Dallas.

"I have a friend in Virginia. We used to be roommates when I first moved here. She married and moved to Virginia with her husband. I called her and without giving her much information asked her to send me back the envelope she would receive in Vickie's name. Of course, she was puzzled, but she knew if I told her to not question me, I wasn't going to tell her anything. That is why you sent the money to Virginia."

"What happened to baby?" Diana stammered.

Rosa stared at the window. The splendid dawn was coming to life. It was lightening the stifling room. She inhaled a big sigh and then looked at Diana.

"I am so sorry to cause this much pain for you. I didn't know I could do this much damage. When I started, I just wanted to find Jacob and ask him why; but everything changed, everything went too fast, I just couldn't stop it. Tim wouldn't let me to stop.

"That night, seeing her like that, I was so ashamed of myself that a few times I decided to tell her the whole story, to ask her forgiveness, but I didn't. Not only we people always wouldn't want to admit what we have done; but I was all she had. If I turned her against me, I felt, by telling her the truth, I might ruin that chance she had. On the other hand, I needed her more than she needed me. I didn't want to lose that. I loved her and still do.

"I stayed with her that night. In the morning I took her with me. I didn't have a place of my own anymore, so she couldn't stay with me; you know I didn't want to take her to Tim's house. The least I could do for her was to get her a place and I did. I rented a small, one bedroom apartment. Her pride was injured. She didn't understand why I was so generous with her. I told her that I needed a place for an occasional getaway from Tim, and her place would be my getaway place, too.

"I swear, our main conversation that night was about me telling her to go home, to go to her parents. I thought that I just forget about having a relationship with my father if I could save her. She told me if I insisted on her going home, she would disappear and even I would never know where she was. she said she knew her parents well enough. They would never forgive her; they would criticize her. She said her life was messy as it was, and she didn't want to add more misery to it. My impression was that she was terrified to go home. She told me that she was not terrified, but the morality issue was such a big deal in her family; and because of that she didn't want to go home.

"The baby, she was very adamant to abort it. I could convince her otherwise. She wouldn't listen to me. I told her it would be dangerous for her sake, being over five months pregnant. She said that she didn't care. She said she'd preferred to die than to have this baby.

"I spent the whole day with her. I brought her some modest furniture and clothes. Her apartment was to be ready in two days. I went home that afternoon to bathe, change clothes and talk to Tim. I left her in the motel. Tim wasn't home. I left him a note and explained the situation. I told him in the note that I would spent that night with Vickie.

"Driving back to the motel, I felt there was no prosperity in my act, in what I'd done. I'd given her my word not to contact her parents. I almost stopped to call you guys. I felt that it just couldn't go like this anymore. I'd reached no contentment with my hard work to get there. I felt miserable. I was transformed... But how I could free myself from that guilt? How should I?

"As I reflecting, I noticed spring with all its way. All around, I observed green trees and grasses which shone by the warm breeze. Yes, it was spring with all its splendor.

"Two days after she was situated in her apartment, I took her to a private doctor. She bluntly told the doctor that she was raped and she wanted to abort. The doctor told us that he would not do it, no way. He said that the only way that any doctor would perform abortion on now almost six months pregnant woman, would be in a case of danger to the mother's life. We went to two more doctors, and the answers were the same. I hoped after hearing these doctors' opinion, she would change her mind, but she didn't.

"Somehow on her own, she was heard of this woman, I guess a midwife, who would do it illegally at her home. She lives in Lancaster, south of Dallas. I swear Vickie didn't tell me about this woman; I had no idea.

"It was only a week after her return that I had a call from Parkland Hospital. Yes, she had gone to that woman. I don't know something went wrong. The woman performed the abortion, and sent her home. Vickie waited two days and ignored her heavy bleeding. I was busy with my finals. This was the first time that I had not seen her for a few days. At the end of the second day, she just had enough energy left to call 911 before passing out.

"The reason they called me from Parkland Hospital was because they found only my name and telephone number in her apartment. They needed blood. She'd lost a lot of blood. When I got there, I couldn't even recognize her. Her face was white like the sheet that covering her. Her body and hand were cold. Her eyes were closed.

"They asked my what was my relation to her. I told them that I was her sister. Her blood type, A+ is just like mine. I lay next to her and gave her blood as much as I could. When they stopped drawing blood out of me, I told them to not stop. They said that I couldn't possibly give more blood. I said that I didn't care.

"My blood saved her. She was saved. She was rescued. I took her home a couple a days later. I took care of her. I nursed her to health, I pampered her, I...

"When she was well enough to stand on her feet again, one day she asked me: 'No friend has ever done what you've done for me. You almost killed yourself to save me, why?'

"I was caught. I was confused. What could I tell her? How should I tell her? 'I just love you. You're my friend, you're like a sister to me.' I told her. 'No. Rosa, it can't be only that. I'm not stupid. The way you take care of me, all the things you've done for Me. No, no, it can't be that. Just tell me, tell me the truth!'

"We were in the kitchen. I was cooking, she was helping me. I told her to sit down. I sat, too. 'You want the truth, I tell you the truth; but don't hate me when you know the truth.'

"I told her everything. I mean everything from the beginning to the end. She sat and listened without interrupting me. But I insisted on telling her that my motive at the beginning of this plot was to ruin her, now was only to save her and to love her and to help her.

"We both cried. Her tears fell on her skinny cheeks, but they burned my heart. I held her hands and kissed them. I asked her to forgive me. The only thing she told me was: 'Now you see why I don't want to contact my parents. If my father could do what he did to you, he is capable of doing it to me, too.'

"Our relationship got stronger and better as days passed. Always, always returning home after being with her, I felt my heart was overwhelmed by joyous yet painful torment of spirit. I didn't consider myself as a failure anymore.

"I helped her to get a job in a daycare center. She loves working with children. Now she is back in school. She wants to become a teacher, like her father and mother and sister. She is fine, very fine. Now she is ready to come home, to come to you, if you accept her. she knows I'm here tonight. She knows everything. And one more thing I should say, this last part, Tim didn't know about it. I know why he accepted your invitation. I knew about Ed and his son. I didn't know his son's death. He told me that tonight he would confront Ed and I would face Jacob. I said that this was our great opportunity. Now it is up to you. That is all I have to say."

To Be Continued

SEcrets-@@ Chapter Six

"I'd slowly walked down a slope that was too sharp for me to return where I was before. On that period, I was nagging my way through a mental minefield. I kept telling myself what I'd done was like a murder, destruction of a young girl, who might have a boundless promises. And I thought I did it in the worst way. I might had killed her as well. That would have been permanent, nothing like this temporary torturing of my heart, and the slow detaching. All these emotions threw me into a state of bewilderment which was aggravated by shocking understanding that with crushing her, I had crushed you, the parents, and any hope for my future happiness which was also completely erased.

"In one of these emotion outburst, I called my mother to tell her what I had done. I needed someone to talk to; Tim wasn't enough and besides he was so agreeable to what I had done. He kept telling me what I did wasn't wrong. I wanted someone to tell me that how horrible person I was, and I felt my mother, being a mother, might say that to me. After talking to her, I realized what kind of woman she really was. I told her that I would never talk to her; and I didn't until tonight. She and Tim are just the same. In fact now that I think about it, they would have made a good match. No wonder I picked Tim, a man just like my mother.

"I longed instability, the warmth of a family. All these tremendous longing overwhelmed me. Before I heard from Vickie again, I could visualize the unlimited prospect for the kind of woman she might have become if I didn't interfere with her life.

"In that period, I even tried to stand aside and see the result of my act objectively. But I was exasperated by that observation. That watching my self touched the barest nerves of my life with so much pain. I felt a storm within me. I even didn't want to bother discussing my emotions with Tim anymore. I knew what his answer would be."

Tim, at this point cut in rudely and said: "Lab lab lab... Go ahead and finish. Stop talking about yourself so much. Get it over with." His tome was angry yet derisive.

"Stop Tim. Don't interrupt her. Let her say what she want to say." Jacob retorted.

"Oh, now she had a defender. Rosa you're fine. They're already forgiven you."

Jacob hissed at Tim, and told Rosa to continue

"I remember when I told Tim about Vickie's phone call, he smiled; one of those smiles that doesn't mean smile, but it means victory. He told me that I shouldn't be upset, that I didn't know how to enjoy victory. He didn't understand me. I didn't understand him.

"From time to time, our house, his house, became a battle ground, which our differences were fought on. Our dispute grew into a major struggle between us. Anytime I talked about leaving him, he temporary lured me to stay. I realized how difficult it was for me to leave him. I was addicted to him. I was just like him. The enlightenment I was after turned to an obscurity that no hope could change it. I felt that the struggle in my life to be where I was, had been vain. I pitied myself. I lost my place in cosmos. I lost my vision that use to give me facts along with dignity. All these penetrated my moral awareness to the degree that I began rejecting myself.

"I don't want to undermine Tim here because it was me who went to him, who moved in with him after two years, who asked for his help; but when I wanted us to stop, he refused. He is clever, visionary, yet sarcastic teacher. We had so much in common at the beginning, but he didn't know or want to stop when I changed my mind.

"Anyway, six months passed without hearing another word from Vickie. I completely lost hope. I even had nightmares that she was dead. Many times I thought about contacting you, but I felt how could I tell you what I had done. I was still about me, me; thinking about myself.

"It was in the two in the morning, I'd just waken up by a dreadful nightmare. I was sitting on the bed, trying to gather my thought. I was numb and didn't know where I was. My body was all wet of a cold sweat. As my concentration returned slowly, I got up and walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Then the telephone rang. I grabbed the receiver in the kitchen in a way as though it might stop ringing if I didn't. It burned my hand. It was her, my sister. She was crying. All I understood from her stifling and stammering voice was that she was in Dallas in a cheap motel.

"I got dressed so quickly that in the car I noticed I was wearing my shirt inside out. Before leaving the house, Tim woke up by my knocking the lamp. 'What is it?' He asked. I told him that Vickie called and I was going to see her. He hissed at me and went back to sleep.

"Driving to the motel, I thought about what I would face, but never I thought what I really faced. She was standing outside her room waiting for me. It was a warm, breezy spring morning. However I assumed she was cold because she had wrapped herself in a blanket. I parked mt car, got out hurriedly, and ran to embrace her. She cried on my shoulder. then she pulled me inside the room, where her small bag was laid open on the bed.

"For moments, which seemed to me like hours, she sat on the bed, still wrapped in the blanket and gazed to an unknown place. I was waiting for her to say something, but I guess she was waiting for me to start. Suddenly she dropped the blanket on the floor and before standing up; and I saw the frightening result of my plot.

"Vickie's distorted figure drew my attention to a point that I almost fainted. She was not beaten up in the meaning of physical abuse, but she was thrashed by the life I had offered her. I felt as though I had opened the grave for her. I looked at her face, which was bathed with her tears. A know formed in my throat. I was hardly able to speak. Her stomach looked striking on her thin, very thin body. Yes, she was pregnant."

To Be Continued

Secrets-"""""""" Chapter Six

"I talked to Vickie when we had lunch one day. I couldn't possibly give myself away or tell my relation to her; but I told her that Fred would use her and then dump her. She said that she was madly in love with him and he was crazy for her. She said that they were moving to Austin, where Fred's family had a farm. She was all excited to live in a farm, to have a country style life. I just couldn't stop her even if I told her the truth. She called my her sister since everywhere we went together, they asked us if we were sisters. So one day she told me: 'Let's be sisters!' I was happy to hear that; but I wanted to tell her that we were real sisters.

"Tim laughed at me when I told him about my distress. He said: 'Even if Fred dumps her, so what! She'll grow up! She'll learn a lesson.' I saw Vickie one more time before she left. I begged her not to leave; but she was completely a different person. She was no longer, the innocent girl I'd met two months earlier."

All the other five were so engrossed in what Rosa was saying, that nobody had noticed that Diana had moved and was sitting next to Jacob, They both were at the verge of break down; however Diana had her head on his shoulder and he had his arm wrapped around him.

"Let me tell you about Fred even though I know you'd met him. He must be in his forties. He acts like a cowboy without having the integrity of the one. He wears these worn out jeans, plaid shirt, and a cowboy's hat. He grows his facial hair, only because he is too lazy to shave. He is the worst man any parents wish for their daughters. And the farm he told Vickie about in Austin, was not his parents; in fact there was no farm at all. He just had some friends in Austin that he'd thought could help him, or better yet, he could use them.

"Before they left, I told Vickie to call me anytime she wants. I really meant it. They left on Labor day. The first call came only after two weeks. He'd battered her; he'd forced her to sleep with his friends for money..."

Suddenly Rosa stopped. A poisonous knot in her throat made her numb momentarily. She glanced at Jacob and Diana. Jacob seemed somber and thoughtful; Diana's head was hidden on Jacob's chest, but it was obvious that she was crying quietly. Her shoulders were shaking.

"After talking to her on the phone," Rosa began again with a tone that was barely audible. "I hated myself, I absolutely hated myself. I thought about contacting you and letting you know everything. Tim stopped me. I..."

"What else did she tell you on the phone?" Jacob interrupted Rosa with a very dispiriting face.

"She told me that she was like a prisoner; she had no way out. She told me that I was right and Fred was a worthless man. She told me that did drugs. She said that they forced her to do drugs, but so far she has been able to refuse it, even though they punish her for that. She told me that they do dog fighting and make money that way, too. I told her that I was going to get her, to bring her home. She said that she couldn't. She said that they would kill her if they knew she had contacted me. I told her to just run away and come back to Dallas. She said she had no money, and then she hanged up. I wanted to tell her to call the police, but she already hanged up. I had no phone number from her. I even wasn't sure if she really was in Austin. All I hoped for was that she could call me again.

"In this dark period, I tortured myself by remaining at home and cutting all my activities. I thought if I leave home, she might call. I imagined her, my beautiful sister, in the hands of all these horrible and wicked men. I felt guilty, yes, it was all my fault. I had put her in that situation for my own stupid revenge, for what my mother had injected in me since childhood. I recalled her singing to me. She had a beautiful voice, I am sure you know it. Her vice is so angelic that I think with a little training she can be a great operatic singer. I envisioned that she was singing some magical notes that throbbed like a human heart beat.

"I'd thought by ruining her life, I would gain mine, and I would get a well- deserved revenge from a man who had ignored me. But I was wrong. I've failed in my mission. My emotional breakdown, Tim told me, was an inexcusable weakness. I've lost my forward motion. I realized that I was fighting for nothing. I felt a deep loss. I felt degenerated and corrupt. All these emotions, seemed though, carving my body in pieces with their sharp mortification.

To Be Continued

Secrets- <><><><> Chapter Six

"I told him once that he was an evil man, and that he made me to be like him. I said that I was looking for a place, at this point I didn't have my apartment anymore, and I was planning to leave him. He looked at me in a way that I knew this time I had truly insulted him. Then he asked me a question so appallingly that I knew he was outraged. I also realized that this was not the time to forsake this intelligent, yet troubled man, who was desperately in search of something. His question was: 'Had I known that Jacob had another child before I met you?' I answered him no. Then he told me that how could I accuse him of something that I started it! But I wanted to stop and he thought it was too late to stop. The damage was done. Vickie was not the same woman anymore.

"He never told me about his own troubles. Only one time he mentioned that he once was married and he had a son. It was only when he got the invitation for the party tonight that he told me about his son's troubles, not all of it, and about Ed. Then all my attempts to make him tell me more was useless. It seemed that he opened his arms against his many troubles all alone. My feelings for him was mixed. At times, I loved him, other times, I hated him, many times I felt sorry for him; but when I was in his class, I admired him.

"In his class, he always glowed. He was, is, an excellent teacher and lecturer. When he taught, it was obvious that he was living on the edge of his thoughts, struggling with the fundamental problems of his life, or life in general. I wanted to save his damned spirit.

"Nonetheless, he was so persuasive in any matter that after every argument, I was always enthralled. I knew that it was me who approached him for my plan. I knew when I had sputtered out my story, those hateful words that were planted in me by my mother, to him, there was no return. I knew it much later. But when later came, I was terrified at the finality of what I had told him; and became the confused woman that my mother had predicted I would be.

"How could we, Tim and I, achieve any kind of meaningful living that I had sought desperately all my life? It seemed impossible. I gave up. I knew he had given up a long time ago. Nevertheless, in my own instability, I thought of what I could do to stabilize him, to support him in his loss. I didn't know about his loss then, but I was suspicious that he must have some great hopelessness somewhere hidden in him.

"The interesting thing was that all my friends thought I was very lucky that Tim had picked me. He was very popular among girls. My friends told me that living with him was like an explosion, living on the edge, which was full of surprises; nonetheless, it was wonderful. They said my life with Tim was like a movie which was full of scenes of renderable and normal manners; and unimaginative interpretation of what seemed so odd. However, as bizarre as our connection was, it caused envy among my friends.

"Anyway, I thought I had designed a plan for the deliverance of what was possible in an impossible shape. Yes, it was possible to deceive Vickie, for she was very naive, and yes, it was impossible for me to see the result of what I had done. In the two months before she left home. I saw before my eyes the changes in her. It was scary, truly, I began to have feeling for her. I started liking her. When she told me she was seeing Fred, I was frightened. I knew him; he was the worst of all men I knew. He was an absolute user, who even didn't have charm. He was crude and acted vulgar. I needed to stop this; and I tried. But I couldn't stop what I'd started.

To Be Continued

Secrets-&&&&& Chapter Six

"You know you can get a job and go to school, too. That's how I've done it and I'm still doing it. What are you studying? She looked at me; kind of surprised that I was making friend with her so quick. Then she said: 'It's a long story.' 'We have time.' I told her. 'Well, my real interest is fashion design. But my father thinks that I can learn that on my own. He thinks I need real education like him and my mother; he thinks fashion design is not a real education. That is why I haven't finished school yet. It's been four years and I can't stick to one thing. I've changed major many times and every time I do that, I lose a lot of my credits.' At this point I showed her that how surprised I was. 'Oh, my, you really need to do something about this. I know I can't handle this kind of pressure.' 'What do you think I should do?' At this point I knew that she would trust me. I told her: 'I don't know Vickie. It is up to you. But if you want I can help you to get a job.'

"I saw a glow in her eyes. She was already trusting me completely. I kind of hated myself; but it was too late to turn back. I needed to continue with my plan. She was my sister and had everything; I, nothing. That is what I was thinking. 'You want to come and see me sometimes?' I asked her. 'Sure,' She said. 'You said you can help me.' 'Right, if you want me to. Say, we can go out for a drink sometimes. Do you ever go out for a drink?' She flushed. 'Sometimes!' 'Do you want us to go out tomorrow night?' I asked her. 'Sure!'

"The next evening I took her to a bar, the same place I was a bartender for a while. I knew that place very well. Normally no married couple went there; There were some married people that came there but never with their spouse. They were after one night stand. The rest were mostly single men or women who looked for a date or one night stand who hung up there.

"I talked to the manager, and he gave Vickie a job. My plan was working. Between the day she began working and the day she left home, two months later, exactly on Labor day, I saw her almost every evening.

"There were times that I thought about the wickedness of my act. But every time I talked it over with Tim, he convinced me to finish my plan. He was very adamant that my act was the only way to get even with Jacob.

"At times, I'm telling you the truth, I vaguely realized the degree of what I was doing, the effect that it could have on myself, for I began liking Vickie, my half sister. Dropping my long time plan or not dropping it, I thought, would be a burden that could be distressful and even destructive for my own well being.

"On the other hand, Tim was unpredictable. I didn't know what to expect from him in any given day. Of course, I didn't know anything about his son then. I learned most of those tonight. His inconsistency was in a way that sometimes he would explode in contradictory directions. It seemed that he was following not a point of precise course but an entire surroundings, all angles that existed.

"I thought about leaving him many times. He knew it. But each time he, with his charming bickering, made me stay. His argument was that we needed each other, that we both had a mission. I didn't know his mission then.

To Be Continued

Secrets- ***** Chapter Six

"I'd thought of an imaginary look of my father before I saw him for the first time. In that picture, he was short, fat, dark, dirty, with the smell of alcohol in his breath. Somehow I think my mother put all those visions in my mind without speaking of them. I always wondered how a professor, a well educated man, could be all of the above! But when I saw him for the first time, I thought how a man who looks and acts like a gentleman, could do such thing to his own child.

"Well, when I got to know him better, I realized that he is in a way like my mother, against everything. I slowly came to accept that there are not many good people in this world. It's hard for me to put all that I had experienced in the last ten years into words. And it's even harder that I ask you to believe me that I've changed tonight.

"Together we came up with a plan. We thought the best way to hurt Jacob was to destroy his family, the closeness he had with his family, his peace of mind. Diana, please, please, don't hate me. I was fool. I didn't know you then."

"I'm listening! I won't say a word until you finish. I kind of have an idea how your story ends. I'm not going to cry or get hysterical, I promise until I hear all you have to say." Diana said.

"Anyhow, we talked it over, and Tim suggested that I should get close to Vickie somehow. I envied her tremendously. I thought she had it all and I had nothing; both of us from the same father, but I had to live all my life without a father, and she had him all to herself. Having all those feelings, I thought Tim's idea was excellent. But how could I get close to Vickie? I'd seen her only once in one of the university's function before I decided to get close to her.

"Thinking about a plan, we came out with many ideas, but none of them seemed logical and natural. Yes, it had to be natural. One day, to be exact, three years ago, Tim told me that there was going to be a picnic for the faculties and their families at Lake Dallas. He said that there would be a great possibility that Vickie would be thee with her parents. A window of hope opened to me. We planned everything very carefully. Out plan was that I would go but I would keep a very low profile so not to be noticed.

"It was middle of summer, I think sometimes in July, exactly three years ago. The weather was nice, sunny, warm, and breezy. Many people were there with heir families; but there was no sign of Jacob and his family. I was at the verge of a break down. That was perhaps my only chance.

"Later on in the afternoon, when everyone was full and sluggish of barbecue food and sun, Tim motioned to me that Jacob and his family just showed up. I looked at the three of them together. My heart palpitated and sank with a deep sadness. They seemed so close to each other, so normal, so perfect. I doubted my plan for a minute, but when I thought that I could be there with Jacob instead of Vickie, and my mother could also be there instead of Diana, my hesitation vanished.

"Tim kept a low profile. I did not know then why he did not want to be noticed. Of course, I know it now. As it's normal for young people to separate from their parents, I saw Vickie was walking alone while her parents were mingling with others. I walked to her, pretended that I was as bored as she was. 'My name is Rosa.' I said. 'Are you here alone?'

"She turned around and looked at me. I almost fainted to see how much we looked alike, like sisters. 'I'm Vickie, no, I'm here with my parents. They're over there.' She pointed to the direction where Jacob and Diana were standing. Then she said: 'Who are you with? You're too young to be a professor!'

"I smiled.' You're right. I just work for the college. I also am a student.'

"We walked along the shore line until we were out of sight. She talked about her goals, her dreams; but very soon, I cleverly changed the subject.

"' You know I am alone here in Dallas. I have no family here. Maybe we can get together sometimes.' 'Where is your family?' She asked. 'Oh, They're back home. You know I'm from New York.' I didn't tell her where I truly was from. 'You're lucky that you can live on your own. I wish I could do the same.' She said. ' Why don't you?' I asked her. 'Oh, my parents would have a fit if I move out!' 'How old are you?' I asked her. 'Twenty two.' 'I was eighteen when I moved out.' 'What did you parents think of it?' She was curious. 'Well, they didn't like it. But they had no choice. Besides they trusted me.' I was trying to plant a seed of dislike towards her parents in her. 'I'm not sure if my parents trust me or not. But they tell me when I finished school and get a job, I can live on my own. Somehow it sounds logical to me.'

To Be Continued

Secrets-{}{}[][] Chapter Six

"I must admit now that up to this moment, I had been overpowered by the weight of disillusion. I had doubted my goal and the intensity of my life to find Jacob and to ruin his life. I told Tim many times about my doubtfulness, about that I should forget this dangerous idea. But he always convinced me that people who were nice and lovable, like Jacob, were capable of the worst cruelties. Everything about Jacob, the way I came to understand it was calm and gentle. That is why I was doubting my long life mission; that is why I began doubting my mother. But Tim with his satisfying way of talking convinced me that no one could judge people by their appearance and behavior. He said that there is an evil behind every face, and for gentle people like Jacob, that evil could come to surface much easier and faster. I believed him. He made sense to me then. I figured that he is a professor, much older than me, and perhaps wiser than me; therefore, I assumed what he was telling me was correct.

"Both of us, Tim and I, depended on each other; but I could not say if our mutual dependence was because of love or the connivance we provided for each other. What I can say is that we both are the same kind, a class that you may just simply call it bad, nothing else. Together, we were really harmful. It seems that in the last three years that we've been together, we have done nothing but finding out dirt about others and using those information to harm them. But we did have some moments of sudden explosion of happiness, too. We travelled. We had moments of joy. However neither of us, I think, have had any morality. Our mission in life was to destroy other lives. We enjoyed the grief of others. Now I know that only a person without ethics can be so satisfied with other's affliction.

"Believe it or not, we talked about marriage; but we both came to the conclusion that we are better off the way we were. We both agreed that the problem in public life is to master loneliness, not being afraid of terror that surrounds us. And the problem in married life is that married people don't know how to master being alone and not being bored. One time Tim told me that married couples normally are not happy people. I kind of agreed with him. We decided never to get married so first to avoid boredom and second unhappiness."

Suddenly Diana, who was listening with earnestness, hissed at Rosa. Her teeth clenched, as her angry eyes glared at Rosa in annoyance:

"Rosa, you must always remember that stability in marriage is far more important than happiness."

Jacob nodded his head to support his wife's statement. Nonetheless, Rosa, as though she did not hear the interruption, continued:

"I can control my irritation. Yes, I am irritated now, not at you, Diana. You're the last person I'll be mad at, but at myself; for what I had been, and for wasting my time and energy for something so vain. Honestly, I was just struggling very hard to solve the problems of my life while I wasn't aware that the problems were my mother's poisoning my mind. I guess my initial attempt to find my father was a lifting experience, a good thing; but when I combined that with the vengeance, it became a desultory falling in the ditches.

To Be Continued

Secrets- ~{~}~}{ Chapter six

"I went to his house that evening. He cooked. I helped. At dinner table, I told him my true, whole story. I din't leave anything out. I told him how I had planned all my life to ruin Jacob and his family. First he could not believe it. He said he knew Jacob for a long time. He knew Diana. He said that she used be his student; and he said that he had met Vickie in one of the university function. He told me if my story was about another professor it would be much easier for him to believe it, but not Jacob. He went on and on admiring Jacob's character. But I insisted that he was my father, that he had abandoned me.

"I slept with him that night. I pretty much stayed with him after that first night, but I always kept my apartment. I tried very hard not to fall in love with him. I watched his flirting with other women. The reputation I heard about him was very true. Nonetheless, I felt a pang in my heart every morning when we left each other. I felt our intimacy was a planned, wrong, and lost one; therefore I perceived a pain for that togetherness, for our lives together, and I experienced distress for him being unfaithful to me; but from the beginning that was part of our deal and I had agreed to it since we both were from the same class. We both were corrupt. He asked me why I needed an apartment of my own and almost threw money out every month. My answer was that he almost always had affairs with other women, so I wanted to have my own place and have my own affairs. He didn't deny his affairs and seemed didn't mind mine; even though I strayed only once. He acted as though it didn't matter. He said: 'I never said I am perfect. You knew the first day you came to me.' I didn't tell him that I have not had any affairs; because we we talked about this, I had not. We were match made in heaven!

"Sometimes I would get up in the middle of the night, and looked at him, sleeping in the dim light of the bedroom. Sensation and feeling flooded me when I looked at him sleeping. I understood that I needed to stop me from falling in love with him.

"The thought of being there, next to him, while he was sleeping, aroused my sexual and emotional desire more than when he actually touched me. Then I would feel a convulsion like the eruption of a storm that I didn't know where it came from. It was frightening, sitting there on the corner of the bed and looking at him. Sometimes I had to grasp for breath, clutching myself to stop me from shaking. And all these happened to me without his touch, without his words, without his stare. I needed to stop me from falling in love with him.

"I would run outside to the yard, to the gray night; but night was white, it wasn't gray. It was dawn, a dark white dawn; and when the morning sun finally leaped, I would return inside. But I had a justification for those luxurious, emotional days, weeks, and months. It seemed to me that my relationship with him had a special nourishment for me that I found it externally important for my well being and for my continuing to go on.

I was twenty five then, almost finished my master thesis, and with has agreement, getting ready for my PhD. I must admit, as I came to hate him tonight, I owe him a lot. I learned a lot from him. I didn't know anything about his son, or his trouble with law, and even his marriage to Nancy. Those subjects were uncharted territory for him. He would never answer me abut them, but I knew that he had a son and he was married before, Every one knew those. But now do we have time to think or not to think? What have I done? What have I done with his help? Oh, God...

"He is, was a successful man, has a beautiful home, spend money like water. But it didn't take me long to find out the reason for his success. He tailored his principals to fit his ambition and desires. But out there, out of his personal world, there was feeling, there was a world of cruelty and tenderness that he only glimpsed at but never paid attention to them.

To Be Continued