SEcrets- #~#~#~ Chapter Seven

"You know," Tim began again. " women strive to influence the reluctant hearts of men from our chest by smooth, flattering words; and we hand our hearts over to them. They stepped on it but not from ill intent, but from thoughtlessness. They've done wrong to me, so I thought I do wrong to them. But Rosa, Honestly, I didn't intend to do harm to you. I was afraid if I told you the truth, you would leave me. I didn't want to lose you; and besides I thought I was like a magnifying mirror, showing you how you might grow and what you might become."

Jacob, who no longer could stay calm, after drinking a big gulp of water, said:

"Tim, weren't you the one that once told me that in any confrontation, absolute honesty is the most powerful tool; it would throw your rival off balance?"

"Yes, I remember it very well. You know I am an ideological person. I preach things that I don't follow myself. What Can I say except being so sorry for all these pains I've caused all of you since last night, even Ed, even Thui, by forcing her to tell us a story that she didn't want to recall?

"You know, you can criticize me, beat me up, slap me, whatever..., but nothing is going to change the fact that I'm dying. I found out only last month that I have Aids. I learned that I was HIV positive, as I said before, about a year and half ago when I was just doing a routine check up. Since then I've gone to the doctor regularly. I have taken cocktails of medicine to keep the virus in control. Last month when I saw some red spot on my chest, I panicked. It came as a shock even though I was waiting for it. To Rosa, who saw those spots, I just simply said that they were allergic reaction to a medicine I was taking for flu. Then I had some lesions on my face. I tried to cover them up by make up when I went to college. What else can I say?

"You know death is an old thing but it comes new to everyone. But I am not afraid, not yet. Very soon, I lose my consciousness, and then the end will be here. But I must be the master of my own death. I never let a disease determine my destiny. I am in charge of my own finality; and as I said before, I'll end my life before Aids ends it for me.

"Well, what can I say to you now Rosa..., that I love you? That has never made sense with me, and it doesn't make sense now. Love is a feeling, a beautiful, yet intense feeling, and my particular love is already falling apart.

"Soon, I'll die. It's strange. I want to concentrate my thoughts on death but nothing comes of it. I merely see a kind of obscurity..., that is all.

"Just look at this gloomy, tormented me, like a worm which is partially squashed but is still writhing. But there was a time that I thought of all the things I should do, and I would never die, not me. There were things to do, problems to solve, and I was the man to do them. Now the only problem this superman, this important man has is to die in somewhat decent manner. I know it make no difference to you how I die. It's useless. I'm not going to change now.

"You think I'm talking this way because I'm depressed, no, I'm not. I am just stating the facts, the truth of dying. For me it will happen very soon, much sooner than you can imagine. And when I'm dead, no matter how vehement, transgressive, and defiant my heart is in the grave, the weeds and may be flowers which will grow over it, glance at me without disturbance with their silent eyes. They talk to me only about the perpetual serenity of the enormous tranquillity of careless nature, but they also tell me of the eternal admonishment of life beyond my grave, which never ends.

"I don't mean anything to all of you now and that is why you look at me with such sad eyes. Your feelings towards me is like placing flowers on my grave."

To Be Continued