Secrets-{}{}[][] Chapter Six

"I must admit now that up to this moment, I had been overpowered by the weight of disillusion. I had doubted my goal and the intensity of my life to find Jacob and to ruin his life. I told Tim many times about my doubtfulness, about that I should forget this dangerous idea. But he always convinced me that people who were nice and lovable, like Jacob, were capable of the worst cruelties. Everything about Jacob, the way I came to understand it was calm and gentle. That is why I was doubting my long life mission; that is why I began doubting my mother. But Tim with his satisfying way of talking convinced me that no one could judge people by their appearance and behavior. He said that there is an evil behind every face, and for gentle people like Jacob, that evil could come to surface much easier and faster. I believed him. He made sense to me then. I figured that he is a professor, much older than me, and perhaps wiser than me; therefore, I assumed what he was telling me was correct.

"Both of us, Tim and I, depended on each other; but I could not say if our mutual dependence was because of love or the connivance we provided for each other. What I can say is that we both are the same kind, a class that you may just simply call it bad, nothing else. Together, we were really harmful. It seems that in the last three years that we've been together, we have done nothing but finding out dirt about others and using those information to harm them. But we did have some moments of sudden explosion of happiness, too. We travelled. We had moments of joy. However neither of us, I think, have had any morality. Our mission in life was to destroy other lives. We enjoyed the grief of others. Now I know that only a person without ethics can be so satisfied with other's affliction.

"Believe it or not, we talked about marriage; but we both came to the conclusion that we are better off the way we were. We both agreed that the problem in public life is to master loneliness, not being afraid of terror that surrounds us. And the problem in married life is that married people don't know how to master being alone and not being bored. One time Tim told me that married couples normally are not happy people. I kind of agreed with him. We decided never to get married so first to avoid boredom and second unhappiness."

Suddenly Diana, who was listening with earnestness, hissed at Rosa. Her teeth clenched, as her angry eyes glared at Rosa in annoyance:

"Rosa, you must always remember that stability in marriage is far more important than happiness."

Jacob nodded his head to support his wife's statement. Nonetheless, Rosa, as though she did not hear the interruption, continued:

"I can control my irritation. Yes, I am irritated now, not at you, Diana. You're the last person I'll be mad at, but at myself; for what I had been, and for wasting my time and energy for something so vain. Honestly, I was just struggling very hard to solve the problems of my life while I wasn't aware that the problems were my mother's poisoning my mind. I guess my initial attempt to find my father was a lifting experience, a good thing; but when I combined that with the vengeance, it became a desultory falling in the ditches.

To Be Continued