Secrets- ~{~}~}{ Chapter six

"I went to his house that evening. He cooked. I helped. At dinner table, I told him my true, whole story. I din't leave anything out. I told him how I had planned all my life to ruin Jacob and his family. First he could not believe it. He said he knew Jacob for a long time. He knew Diana. He said that she used be his student; and he said that he had met Vickie in one of the university function. He told me if my story was about another professor it would be much easier for him to believe it, but not Jacob. He went on and on admiring Jacob's character. But I insisted that he was my father, that he had abandoned me.

"I slept with him that night. I pretty much stayed with him after that first night, but I always kept my apartment. I tried very hard not to fall in love with him. I watched his flirting with other women. The reputation I heard about him was very true. Nonetheless, I felt a pang in my heart every morning when we left each other. I felt our intimacy was a planned, wrong, and lost one; therefore I perceived a pain for that togetherness, for our lives together, and I experienced distress for him being unfaithful to me; but from the beginning that was part of our deal and I had agreed to it since we both were from the same class. We both were corrupt. He asked me why I needed an apartment of my own and almost threw money out every month. My answer was that he almost always had affairs with other women, so I wanted to have my own place and have my own affairs. He didn't deny his affairs and seemed didn't mind mine; even though I strayed only once. He acted as though it didn't matter. He said: 'I never said I am perfect. You knew the first day you came to me.' I didn't tell him that I have not had any affairs; because we we talked about this, I had not. We were match made in heaven!

"Sometimes I would get up in the middle of the night, and looked at him, sleeping in the dim light of the bedroom. Sensation and feeling flooded me when I looked at him sleeping. I understood that I needed to stop me from falling in love with him.

"The thought of being there, next to him, while he was sleeping, aroused my sexual and emotional desire more than when he actually touched me. Then I would feel a convulsion like the eruption of a storm that I didn't know where it came from. It was frightening, sitting there on the corner of the bed and looking at him. Sometimes I had to grasp for breath, clutching myself to stop me from shaking. And all these happened to me without his touch, without his words, without his stare. I needed to stop me from falling in love with him.

"I would run outside to the yard, to the gray night; but night was white, it wasn't gray. It was dawn, a dark white dawn; and when the morning sun finally leaped, I would return inside. But I had a justification for those luxurious, emotional days, weeks, and months. It seemed to me that my relationship with him had a special nourishment for me that I found it externally important for my well being and for my continuing to go on.

I was twenty five then, almost finished my master thesis, and with has agreement, getting ready for my PhD. I must admit, as I came to hate him tonight, I owe him a lot. I learned a lot from him. I didn't know anything about his son, or his trouble with law, and even his marriage to Nancy. Those subjects were uncharted territory for him. He would never answer me abut them, but I knew that he had a son and he was married before, Every one knew those. But now do we have time to think or not to think? What have I done? What have I done with his help? Oh, God...

"He is, was a successful man, has a beautiful home, spend money like water. But it didn't take me long to find out the reason for his success. He tailored his principals to fit his ambition and desires. But out there, out of his personal world, there was feeling, there was a world of cruelty and tenderness that he only glimpsed at but never paid attention to them.

To Be Continued