Secrets- ~~~~ Chapter Seven

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"You know, I feel old now, very old." Tim began while sending a circle of smoke from his cigarette into air.

"Once someone asked me when one gets old. I thought about this question which seemed superficial at the time, yet it's very profound. After long and hard thinking, I answered him: 'When you don't feel good. When you're sick.' I also told him that the old age, meaning when you're not feeling good, is an unseemly condition that must be ended before its factual time.

"Sometimes I wake up at night by a nightmare, and after I get hold of myself, I realized that death is not a probability of an indefinite finality, as I always thought, but it is an instant actuality. All these thoughts brought me the realization that I must be, should be the master of my own death. And all I want from you, if by any chance you care for me, is when the time comes, help me to overcome the fear of dying. That is all I ask from you.

"But considering my own situation, my deadly disease, I've done wrong to many people. I must confess this morning of all my wrong doings, of my knowingly doing wrong. The strange thing about it is, knowing I was doing wrong and I wanted to do it; and I enjoyed doing it. But as Rosa said many times since last night that she is a changed person, I am, too, a changed person. I, who was so proud of my wrong doing for a long time, am very ashamed of myself this morning.

"After all I'm not going to die as I've always wanted or wished. What was my wish? You may not believe it but it's true, very true. I've always wished to have a family, a wife, children; and then when children are grown and gone, my wife and I, two old people, live and take care of each other. And when our times come, two of us, very old and encircled by death, having everything in common, like the memory of an evanescent past which is not anymore but belongs to two young people whom we don't recognize them anymore.

"But damn my luck, because that is not my case. I'm not very old; I'm only sixty one. I've never told my age to anyone. But now it doesn't matter. Anyhow, I feel old even though on the surface no one can tell. I tried to wear a mask for a long time. Even with Rosa, I've never taken my mask out. No one knows what is inside of me for the last one and half years. I thought what happened to my son was devastating, but wait until you hear what happened to me! Now I understand why my son took his life, because that is what I intend to do very soon. I prefer people say Professor Tim committed suicide than say that he died from Aids."

To Be Continued