Odyssey... {}} 16- Different Paths

Hana believed that Nader was intelligent enough to be the head of her group; nevertheless, it was his shyness or silence that deceived the professor to choose a woman, Hana, over a man, Nader. In their enthusiastic discussion about any subject of the course, Nader always listened and seldom spoke. However, when they turned their papers in, he and Hana always had the best grades. Their was a difference between their debates for that course and the discourse she had had with her four young friends many years earlier. Then, those people, who had turned their back to the society and to some extent to their families, had found a sense of being, comfort, and acceptance among each other; and they had freely been able to discharge all their unresolved angers and emotions in that little room while believing they could change society, culture, and even the government to some degree. Now in this classroom, where life had shown its strange twist to everyone of those seven men and one woman, Hana, the systematic contest of their argument evolved only around the material of the course; therefore, their heated disputation was mostly analyzing the attitude, reason, style, and philosophy of the poets and writers, who had lived and died centuries ago. They, as students, had to discover what the poet had meant of saying certain word in a certain way; and they were expected to know it in a graduate level. That mental game for some was a torture and for a few was a bliss. Hana had always loved to challenge her brain in order to be number one. She had been this way at six years old and first grade, and had not changed ever since. But that study was not only a confrontation with her mental power but it was also a battle with her inner self.

She was falling in love with Nader, just in a same quiet way that had happened with Saeid. Without speaking, as she had known Saeid's feeling for her, she knew Nader's too. Frightened of her wild feeling, she feared for her dignity, honesty, loyalty, and may other restrictions which were made only for women, married or unmarried. However, that overwhelming, powerful, and blossoming love within her made her to believe that disloyalty in special cases was all right. She had never loved her husband. She just wanted to take care of him as mothers do their children. She knew that her feeling for Hamid was sick. She married him only because he had pretended that he would kill himself if they did not marry. She had never enjoyed closeness with him. In fact, their intimacy was nothing to her but torture. The only thing she could think about their relationship as a husband and wife to her was that she was stuck; as her mom had told her. This new feeling had never before entered her body so it had to be love. Her love to Saeid had been a real one, but then she had been only a teenager. Now at twenty seven, things were different. She suddenly felt how much she needed a man, a loving, gentle man. But what if Nader was not what he appeared to be, what if he was another evil. Her silent debate over this new overpowering emotion caused her the strangest behavior in her life. While she was at work, college, or home, she was not in any of those places.

Riding in the bus, going home every evening, she tried to bring Lila, her other- half, back to life even though she had pushed her away for so long. She really could use her advice this time. It took her a while to bring Lila out of her shell, since Lila's feeling was hurt of the long ignorance. Finally when Hana succeeded, Lila's attitude began to agonize her. To answer Hana's question for all the uncertainties, Lila said:

"Go for it, Hamid does it, you can do it,too. Let's have some fun."

Was that all about fun? When finally Lila realized Hana's seriousness, yet ambiguity, she said:

"I know you. If you do anything, guilt is going to kill you. If some one finds out, you're dead."

How right Lila was. She knew Hana better than anyone in the world. On the other hand, what could she do with all those feelings? For how long she had to suppress all her emotions because she was a woman, an Iranian woman!

Few days later, when she was drinking tea in the cafeteria, Nader walked to her only for one reason. He had to tell Hana how he felt for her, and he did, as Saeid had done under the tree near the Ministry of Education Building. Hana looked through the mist of her eyes to this young, shy man. His hair in front was thinning, and his thick glasses did not make him anymore attractive. She sighed and lost, dried tears for so long, found a way to flow.

"I'm married."

"I know."

"I have two sons."

"I know."

"What do you want from me?" Hana babbled.

"I love you. There is no need to interfere with your marriage or children. We can give each other comfort, tranquillity. I'm married, too."

"I have reasons not to love my husband, what is your reason not loving your wife?"

"I don't hate my wife. She is a very nice woman, a simple woman; but I didn't choose her. I never loved her the way a man and woman supposed to love each other."

Hana stayed quiet for awhile to digest the misery of other people's lives. She had always thought that only women were victims but now she was proven otherwise.

"What you're saying is so hard for me to understand. I can't live with myself if I do such a thing." Hana stammered.

"Yes, you can. There are many people that have secret lives, I mean women. Men have always done it and believe me many women do it, too. Take my word for it."

It was an instant proposal with obligation. Hana was tempted beyond belief.

Their visit in the cafeteria repeated again while Hana falling more to the adventure of infidelity. However, her unbelievable fear of being caught, stopped her of pursuing the proposal any further than just a normal visit in the cafeteria and in the class. She, who had always boasted about honesty and virtue, did not want people think of her otherwise. The opinion of people was so important to her that she used to be nice when she did not want to just to here praises like, "oh, what a nice girl she is. I wish my daughter was like her". However the sabotaging feeling for Nader was becoming equal to everything else she had so far believed in.

Would she go for it?

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~16- Different Paths

Tehran-

Working very hard to balance her life, Hana practically had no time left to participate in any social gathering among relatives or even to make friends. Her daily routine, from morning to evening, from work to college, from taking care of the house chores to finding time for her children, would stay the same for another three years when she would finish her graduate study. In her busy, yet solitary life, she drew back more and more from people while being among them. Hamid, in his kind of busy life, did not care his wife's emotional disappearance. For him, she was there, food and comfort were there; and of course sex was there and elsewhere. He loved to travel; and it was always, as he noted, with his male friends. Even then, Hana knew his sadistic unfaithfulness, for she had seen many signs of them. Torn between saving her children and herself by throwing out that morbid man, or ignoring him as though he did not exist; she relearned firstly that women could not divorce their husbands but it was them to divorce their wives, and secondly no matter who the main reliable provider and care taker was, the men had the legal custody of the children. When Gol, her mother, fervidly explained the law of divorce to her daughter, mostly it was not for educating Hana, but it was for her own fear of losing her grandchildren. Hana's logical argument, the way she had known as a teacher, did not soften Gol's adamant viewpoint.

"Listen, honey, I'm telling you, he's not going to give you the children!"

"But mom, he can't even support himself. He's never hold a job more than three months. This is insane. He doesn't even have a home."

"I know. I understand your disgust, but that is the way it is. We're not living in America. This is Iran. Women are nobody!"

"That is not right, mom. How is he going to take care of the kids?"

"Sweet heart, nobody can change the system. Out of spite, he'll take the kids. He is getting a free ride here and he doesn't want to change that. The only way that you can have your kids is to stay married to him, or he wants to give them to you voluntarily. Even then, he has the full custody. He can come back any day and take them from you."

"But this is wrong, wrong..." Hana was completely outraged.

"I know. We're victims; and one more thing, if court sees him an unfit father, they give the kids to his parents not you!"

"What if a man does not have parents; or the parents don't want the responsibility?"

"Then it is his grandparents, uncle, brother, some one from his side of family."

"Mom, I talk to him. Maybe he agrees to give me the children!"

"He won't sweet heart. He uses them to hurt you. For the last seven years, he's lived here and done everything he wanted. He's not going to give up all these, he won't. Believe me, I'm more upset than you. I feel terrible for you; but do you want to lose your kids?"

Hana pondered over that conversation for many days. She knew Hamid very well; and she was convinced he would not want the children; as she was sure his parents would not want them either; however, knowing the spiteful personality of him made her so frightened that she decided to stay with plan two, ignore him. Ironically one of her mother's words kept echoing in her mind: "We're not living in America!" She temporary pushed that tempting thought aside to finish her school, her only weapon against men like Hamid.

She loved school, either as teacher or student; and she had both of them. In one of her toughest courses, the professor teamed up the students according to their intelligence; and Hana was the head of one of them. In her group, there was this young man, silent, polite, and very much into himself. Somehow he reminded her of Saeid, even though he was not tall and bony as Saeid was. In his presence, Hana would draw back to old days, when they had that "Secret Society", and the four boys and she had vehemently discussed the important issues and had believed they could change the society. From those five intelligent but naive people, so much in need for love and acceptance, Saeid had committed suicide, Behroz, her uncle, had chosen a profound and isolated life which no one could enter through it, and the other two boys had disappeared somewhere, and Hana, the only girl, was caught into a sickly net of nihilism.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 16- Different Paths

Dallas-

Another fourth of July reinforces how terribly Hana misses her father. She tries to calculate her father's age if he was alive. She sighs desperately, "Sixty". In these two entirely different cultures that she lives in one and relives the other, the perspective of age, like many other things, is so different that she can not understand why people who are created equally, must think and act so unlikely. While sixty is old for an Iranian man and even more so for an Iranian woman, in America Hana has not met a sixty years old person who thinks he is old.

She misses visiting her father's grave, as she had done every fourth of July, his birthday, when she lived in Iran. While she longs the feel of touching the earth on his grave, she puts his picture on the table to give her that sensible fervor. Within years, she had talked a lot about her dad to her sons; and they, who have never seen their grandfather, know him so well as though they had the pleasure of having him around.

Unlike her father, Hamid's obscene character has left no place for anyone to miss him including his sons. A sense of relaxation and tranquility have filled Hana and her sons in the past few days. Hamid was gone when Hana came home from work three days ago. Knowing his habit, Hana did not show any concern at first; however, when two days passed, she became worried. When she discussed the matter with her sons, they laughed at her.

"Mom, how many times he is done this? Remember he went to Mexico last year without telling us! Probably he is drunk with a prostitute or traveling with your credit cards." Farhad, annoyed, says.

How correct he was because that evening Hamid called from Montreal, Canada. Of course, this is not the first time he had taken off without telling his family. In last seven years, living in Dallas, Hamid gone to Mexico, New Orleans, New York, and even one time to Europe. In each occasion, Hana's debt on her credit cards maximized to an unmanageable level. Now, she is not sure how she can survive the financial abyss.

Hamid's tone of voice on the phone tells enough that how drunk he is. While he is bragging about beautiful places and good times, Hana's anger is about to suffocate her. Remembering their plan, she feels this is the best time. She can not possibly tell him on his face what her sons and she have decided.

"Hamid, stop talking for a minute. I must tell you something!"

Hana's unusual tone trembles Hamid; nevertheless, he says:

"I don't have time now. I must go. I don't have enough change for the phone."

"Stop the nonsense. You're calling collect. We can talk as long as I want."

"What is it that you have to tell me now. I'll be back in couple of days and ..."

"No, you won't be back, not to this house, my home. We don't want you. Stay where you are, go where you want, but not here, not ever..." She does not believe herself. Her sons, who are listening to the conversation since the phone is on the speaker, look at her astoundingly and their amiable smile encourages her.

"What do you mean? What is wrong with you? What..."

"Nothing is wrong with me. We want you out of our lives, do you understand? We want to divorce you!"

"Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? You're nothing without me. You can't survive in America without me! You're sabotaging my children's mind. You..." Hamid's using reverse psychology does not frighten Hana for the first time.

"Whether or not I survive without you is my business; and besides I think you're the one that can't survive without us. You don't have the guts to work and support yourself. You're the one is dead without me, us; and I'm not sabotaging my sons' mind. Actually it is them that finally made me to understand that we're living a sick life with you." She is finally proud of herself to tell him things that she has never been able to say.

"This is insane. I'm not going to let you keep the children." He sounds desperate.

Hana bursts into a hysterical laughter:

"They're not children anymore; and besides here is not Iran. Law here protects women. A twenty one and seventeen years old can decide for themselves. You can't do anything. We don't want you back. If you pull any of your violent tricks, we'll call the police."

Suddenly Hamid realizes how serious this tiny woman is, who has supported and put up with him all these years. He shudders of an unexpected exasperation and remembers his old tricks, like the one that made Hana to marry him.

"Oh, honey, I know you're angry because I didn't tell you about my trip. I'm sorry; I'll make it up to you when I come back. My car has a little problem. As soon as it's fixed, I'll be back. I promise." It is so strange how he can change his tone of voice to serve him.

"Don't pull these dirty tricks on me; and that is not your car. It's mine because I pay for it not you; and I don't want you back."

"Oh, Hana, listen, I love you. You know I love you. I love the kids. Don't do this. I never..."

Hana interrupts him before his words, as they had done before, softens and weakens her:

"The conversation is over. You know I pay the telephone bill, not you; and by the way, I don't love you." She hangs up the phone.

While Farhad and Sam celebrating the future outcome of their parents' conversation, they heard on the speaker phone, Hana discerns Hamid's loathsome bluff for all the years they have been together. She desperately understands that her immeasurable fear for the last twenty two years from his psychic husband has been for no reason. She could have freed herself from this sick relation many years earlier.

Tehran-

To Be Continued

Odyssey... }{15- Birth

Dallas-

"What have you decide, mom?" Sam opens the chain that was holding three of them together, while Hana was conjuring up. She steps back enough to see her sons tall again.

"We get rid of your dad no matter what!"

Three of them smile while embracing each other.

Tehran-

Gol, who had gained back her sanity after the birth of her grandson, amazed everybody including all the doctors who has tried to save her mental health from the demon that had taken possession of it. She was herself again, the way her family had known her. Her return to sanity made the house a loving, comfortable place to live in and in took a heavy load off Hana's shoulder. Hana's plan was to ask grandma to take care of her baby when she was not home. Now she was a little reluctant at beginning to leave her son alone with her mom; therefore, she asked grandma to check on them while she was at work or college. But very soon she realized that her mother was cured completely. Farhad was her unfounded medicine, cure, sense of existence, and her lost son. The way Gol cared for Farhad, as though he was her own son, was perhaps much better than any mother could do. Gol watched him to grow, speak his first baby talk, crawl, walk, and play. Farhad, in return recognized her as his number one mother and Hana as his number two. When he began talking, he called Gol, mom one and Hana mom two. Even though Hana was envious to the fact that her son loved her mother more than her, she was grateful that he was being brought up by her mother, who was giving him unconditional love and introducing him to the world in a gentle, loving manner.

Hana never spoke a word about the incident of seeing her sister in bed with her husband to any one; nevertheless, a week later, after giving birth, she forced her sister to go to a doctor with her. Sara's argument that nothing had happened was not good enough. Hana wanted to make sure that Sara had not lost her virginity since that would be a big shame and disgrace and no one would marry a non virgin girl. When Hana learned that her sister was still a virgin, she sighed of relief. She refused to hear Sara's side of story about that inauspicious day. After a year and half being married to Hamid, she knew her indecent husband very well. She did not need any explanation from her sister.

Sara married to a distant cousin a year later. She never cared for school. Her leaving home removed a big burden off Hana's shoulder for the fear of another disgrace. Boby, who had finished high school, decided not to try for konkor to get in college. He began working for Uncle Nabi in one of his stores; and Mina, who was at tenth grade, became closer to Hana and mother and gradually became mom three for Farhad. Hamid occasionally worked but none of the jobs lasted over two or three months. He was not hiding anymore his drinking; and from time to time Hana knew about his unfaithfulness and use of opium. Amazing Gol was cured and acted like a mother again towards her children; nonetheless, her greatest love was not for her children or her dead husband and son, but for her grandson, Farhad.

When in the evening Hana wanted to have a share of that cute, little boy that she had given birth to, by trying him to sleep with her, Gol would frown with a drop or two of tears on her cheeks while holding Farhad close to her bosom with his hands clasped behind her neck. Knowing her mother's unrivaled greatness, care, and love for Farhad, mostly stopped Hana of pursuing the matter any further; however, her feeling of motherhood was despondently provoked which increased her depression and sense of being. What made Hana to think about having another child was not her mother's possessiveness for her son, but Farhad's incredible love for her mother and his indifference towards her.

Occasionally that Gol went to Sara's home, Hana had a chance to be with her son alone; but all that time was spent by Farhad's crying and wanting mom one. Hana, who had given all her loyalty, love, and support as long as she remembered to everyone, was so disappointed that she came to believe that there was no meaning for life anymore. She felt betrayed by every one, whom she had been so generous to. She even felt the same towards her son. Nobody was there to tell her "stop, not your child. You brought her to this world and handed him to your mother and now expect that every time you say come to me, he would just run. It doesn't work that way."

Farhad was four year old when Hana's second son, Sam was born. Gol, right away fell in love with this second grandson and took over taking care of him. Hana's busy schedule caused the story to be repeated; and very soon she realized that Sam had become another Farhad. Nonetheless, one thing gave her a gloomy pleasure and that was graduating from college with a bachelor degree in literature which enabled her a better teaching position and more income.

Torn between desperate envy and completing her education, Hana finally came to the conclusion that without her mother's help, she could not possibly go to college and work at the same time. This realization relieved her of the sad predicament; and she decided to enroll for the master degree. When she discussed her intent with her mother, Gol supported and encouraged her. On the other hand, one would think how Hamid, a male chauvinist, allowed Hana to stay in college! Hamid, with his selfish, manipulative personality, did not care what other people in that house did. He was contended as long as he had his spending money, food, and sex. He did not want to be bothered with problems like children, bills, shopping, and giving a helping hand at all. He knew Hana could make more money with higher education, which he could use; and he was sure those degrees could not turn her against him since he was an expert to frighten his family and threaten them to a degree that they were even afraid of his shadow.

When Farhad reached kindergarten age, things took an unexpected turn. The cute, chubby boy, with his jean pants, tee shirt with his name embroidered on it, did not cry hysterically when Hana, mom two, took him to school every morning. Hana, astonished, watched her son thoughtfully. Even though, she had suffered so much her son's rejection at earlier years, Had

missed his baby face, talk, and body, now she blissfully discovered their sudden, mysterious connection; and prayed to enjoy it while she had it.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~15- Birth

Twisting of excruciating pain, she refused Hamid'a hand and while tears of a greater pain were coming down her face, she wished she had never married or got pregnant. Hamid moved closer and put his arm around her and she realized in order to stop him, she had to jump of the taxi. His inarticulate talk seemed like a heavy hammer striking her head.

"Oh, come on Hana. Please forgive me; it was not me, it was Sara. She was messing with me for a long time. Today she didn't go to school. She said she was sick. She came to our room while I was asleep..."

Hana, who could not stand another word, suddenly screamed which made the driver to drive faster while blowing the horn.

When finally in the hospital, very exhausted of spasmodic labor and bitter anguish, she was taken to the delivery room. She closed her eyes and imagined all her lost dreams. In that world of confusion, and rush, she was hearing unclear words and was trying to comprehend them. She understood that something was not right. She was ten days early, her water was broken a while back, doctor could not hear the baby's pulse, and she had no contraction anymore. She let her immobilized body to be carried and tossed, while her defensive volition was annihilating ; nevertheless, she had enough sense to grab the sheet and put it between her clenching teeth in that last glassy solitude. She thought: "I can never reach the sun rays as my dad did."

After inducing her for the rest of the day and then the entire night, in the morning they hastily took her back to the delivery room. The unendurable pain did not make her cry or scream, but to make a fist and run his nails into the palm of her hands. She stubbornly refused to do things they seemed normal at such time; and like everything else that she had done differently in her life, she bravely tried to act unlike other women at the similar situation. However, she shared only one special feeling with most mothers to be; she wanted her mother there with her. In that deadly moment, while the endless pain was taking the last of her amazingly boundless energy, she yearned for her mother's presence, the way she wanted to remember her, sane. She refused to have Hamid in the room with her, while when she was in the holding area, she had no choice. She vaguely remembered that her grandparents, her aunt and Behroz had come to see her the night before. She was happy to see them, but still she wanted her mother.

At five in the morning, when finally her bravery melted away by the last wave of the exhausting pain, and her scream was mixed by the melodious cry of a baby boy, she lastly relaxed her body from the long lassitude. In that moment of hallucination, caught between twilight and actuality, her entire entity changed vigorously. She looked at the bald, bloody, sticky, and wet baby on her wrinkled, empty stomach, who moved like a worm, and an unfamiliar sensation shook her. It was like a brand new sentiment, something beyond and above everything she knew. Surprisingly, a greater feeling brought a peculiar smile to her face- she was falling in love all over again with her mother. But when she remembered her insane mom in her solitary room, her smile changed and the furrow between her eyebrows deepened and tears began swimming in her eyes. For the first time, she understood why her mother lost her sanity.

Dallas-

Hana's immeasurable love for her sons becomes clear in the shadowy dusk of her mind after retrospection and reliving those expressive moments of her life. The sudden light gives her the answer she has searched for, and for the first time she knows exactly what her next step will be. She can not wait for her sons' return home because a subliminal fear horrifies her for changing her mind. She shudders with an astonishing impatience that time is not passing but turning backwards. Now that the greatest test in her life is about to come to conclusion, she shivers to stop her brain of thinking, so no other strong emotion can destroy this ultimate one.

When Farhad and Sam finally come home, she is so exhausted that she needs a strong support to motivated her to speak. Her sons can easily recognize their mother's despairing attempt and they decide to discover it in a gentle way.

"Mom, it seems that you have an answer for us." Farhad says while holding her hand.

She stares at these two tall, young, handsome, and strong men and remembers them as two needy babies, who could die without her. Their need now is a different type; and it seems to her that hey have changed places with her, as she did with her mother. The missing smile slowly brightens her face and while trying to hug them, she remembers her mother when for the first time she saw Farhad.

Tehran-

Farhad was three days old and looked so much like Hana's dad. Hana took her to her mother's room while she was frightened to let her hold her son. The insane woman looked at her first grandchild; and Hana noticed that her frenzied eyes changed unexpectedly to the way they had been before; and her strange behavior curtailed.

"Can I hold the baby?" Gol said as though her tone of voice resembled to someone just awakened from a long coma.

Hana handed Farhad to her. Gol sat on a chair while holding the baby. She looked at the baby for a long time and suddenly said:

"Van, Van, my Van is back. He's not dead."

Hana trembled. Her mother talked insensible; nevertheless, it did not seem like a mad woman's talk anymore.

"Are you okay, mom?"

"Yes, I am. My Van is back. Can I keep him while you're at work?"

Hana was not sure what to answer; but mom's kind eyes did not look like an insane woman anymore.

"Yes, mom, if you like!"

"Yes, I do, I do. I know he is your son, but he is my son, too. He is my Van."

Gol somehow superseded Farhad with her dead son; and that gave her a sense of vitality that no doctors in past one and half years could offer her. All those doctors had done, were over medicating her; and telling Hana that her mother would never be normal again. Hana had taken her mom to three specialist. All three at the beginning had wanted to put her in institution; but when they had faced Hana's angry resistance, they came up with cocktails of medicine that would make her sleep almost all the time. Hana intuitively knew that they should be some other cure for her mom, something out there that she did not know of it yet. But now with the birth of her son, Farhad, Hana believed that finally the cure was there. She was a mother again to her children and to her newly born grandson, Farhad, Van...

Dallas-

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ==15- Birth

Hamid, being angry at her growing body, mocked her repeatedly and called her ugly among other names. Her reason, of course was not good enough. Hana, who knew woman's body would change during pregnancy, began feeling guilty and submitted herself to Hamid's punishment, which was violent sex, abuse, and excuse to do his sick habit to her without considering the consequences. Pain of her lower back, bleeding, and constant heartburn caused her almost a mental and physical breakdown. Hana, who needed her mother's gentle advice, touch, and love, was not sure if her baby would be born healthy. Hamid had threatened her that if she spoke one word about what was happening in their bedroom to her doctor, he would burn the house down. The horrible sensation that her baby might not be healthy, filled the rest of her pregnancy. A few times she was tempted to talk to her aunt about her situation and to ask her advice; but when she realized that her aunt most definitely would tell her uncle Nabi about it, she changed her mind. Those days in her country, doctors did not have the equipments to know about the health or the sex of the baby. All they did, was to listen to the heartbeat of the baby and asked some questions from the mother; which in Hana's case, she never said a word about the abuse she tolerated from Hamid. She forced herself to get up every morning, go to work, go to college after work, return home, and cook and clean. Boby, her brother was a great help. Every morning Hana would give him a grocery list and money so he could shop after school. Refrigerators were new then in her country, and they could not afford to buy one; therefore they had to buy grocery everyday. Her sister Sara, stayed the way she had always been, a heedless user, who spent hours in front of mirror, and her younger sister, Mina, continued to help while becoming closer to Hana and further from Sara. Gol, her mother, roamed the rooms with an uncombed hair and unpleasant appearance all day. Grandma came and stayed with Gol, her daughter, most days; however Gol would not settle down until Hana would come home, as though her vague ambiguity and pain would end when her oldest child returned.

In a cold winter day, when an unbearable pain struck her while she was teaching, some of her students helped her to the office. There, the principal asked her about how far apart the pain was. Hana, who did not believe it was time, was horrified. However pain did not return for half an hour. She refused help from all the teachers and principal to take her home; and left school on her own. Another pain paralyzed her while opening the door of the house; but she managed to go inside to face the worst shock in her life. What she had expected to see at home was her mother's roaming and perhaps Hamid being still in bed. But in her room, she found Sara, her sister, in bed with Hamid. She stood there almost unconscious, twisting in pain, and in total disbelief. No word would come out from her mouth in that stage of shock. She watched them kissing and fondling; however, fully dressed. They were so involved in their sick act that did not even noticed Hana. Suddenly Hamid caught a glimpse of her standing on the doorway. The electric encounter of their eyes trembled her; and she ran to the hallway. Before getting to her mother's room, she felt discharge of a fluid on her legs, as though a big body of warm water was just released magically. With extreme confusion, she looked at the water combined with blood running down her legs, and dirtying the floor. By the time she reached the telephone, Hamid was there, too; and Sara was quietly disappearing of shame to mom's room. Her mother was standing there and staring at her through her insane eyes.

After finishing her conversation with the doctor, she ran to the street while Hamid was following her. When a taxi finally stopped, she threw herself in it and Hamid got in from the other side. With a voice that was barely audible, she said to the driver:

"Mehr Hospital. Please hurry."

The driver looked at her and smiled: "Is it time?"

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 15- Birth

Dallas-

The disruptive commotion continues among mother and sons and clandestinely Lila, Hana's other-half. While Hana is torn between making the right decision, as her sons suggested, Lila had promised to them, and her mind has complied with it, or remaining in the sick condition to stay Hamid's mother, as if she has three sons. She had promised herself the day she married him to love him and to take care of him. But the relationship has not improved by her unconditional effort to take care of her sick husband after twenty one years of marriage. Every morning, before she goes to work, she stands by the bed and looks at Hamid. who is sound asleep. She remembers the young, vagrant, so much in need for love, handsome, slim, with light brown hair which shone in sun like gold, who visited her every day, rained her with love, and threatened to kill himself is she would not marry him. Now he is a body filled with hatred and fat, no feeling, all gray hair, fifty pounds heavier, and outrageously mean and abusive, who does not care for anyone but himself; and acts only on his unethical vice and lust. Nevertheless, standing there and staring at a man, once acted like her child, who seems so degenerated, yet so much in need, who breathes heavily through his mouth with all the poisonous food and alcohol he has consumed a few hours earlier, gives her a blast of chill that she must leave the room immediately before kissing and hugging this unworthy son.

Contrary to her morbid inclination for Hamid, her ardor for her sons is pure and impeccable. She, who has learned motherhood from her overprotective, always worried, and impassioned mother, who lost her sanity and sense of being for the unfortunate lives of her children, feels strong love for her innocent sons and has always tried to protect them from any trauma and harm. Introspecting deeply her conscience, she realizes a significant difference between these two overwhelming feelings. One has vigorously constrained her to feel guilty and sinful for a long time and for many doomed calamities, such as Saeid's desperate suicide, or not saying a loving word to her father before his death, and being partially responsible for her mother's insanity; and the other has vehemently fulfilled her with a fervid enthusiasm and passion to neutralize the unnatural hideousness.

The days that follow her son's ultimatum are spent to discover her conscience, that mysterious informer which she has reason to believe nothing can be hidden from it. While Hana's unfathomable behavior has puzzled even herself for so long, she knows the secret detective in her feeble cognizance is aware of every step she takes. She may be able to fool herself; or comes up with excuses to her sons; but she can not deceive her observant awareness. Her decision not only will be a turning point for her and a monstrous or pleasing deed for her sons, but also will reinforce or weaken her inconceivable consciousness. Hallucinating in her confused mind, she travels back into the time when she gave birth to Farhad against the sad situation of her life style and against the advice of every sane and wise member of her family that cautioned her not to get pregnant.

Tehran-

Pregnancy was an unknown, mysterious experience for Hana. She watched her body changed, her clothes got tight, her mood , appetite, and her whole entity became something so foreign to her that the puzzlement was much greater than anything else. Morning sickness, lost of appetite, and the unbearable lower back pain did not stop her of normal activities. During this time Hamid began a job that one of Hana's relative had found for him; however, he lost the job one month later blaming his boss. Many other jobs different people found for him, ended the same way. Very soon, Hana realized while other Iranian women had the luxury of staying home and being supported by their husbands, she had to continue working hard fending for all in the house. Sometimes, when looking at her naked stomach, which was blown like a balloon, she felt a remorseful torment for bringing a baby to this world; nonetheless, when she could feel the movement or the kick of that living thing inside her womb, an overwhelming ecstasy enraptured her. It was an indescribable thing she had never read in any book or was told by her insane mother. She loved to share those thrills with Hamid, but all he cared for was her support.

To Be continued

Odyssey... //\ 14- Obscene Abstraction

Soon the day of the wedding, as it had planned, arrived. It was a small ceremony which Hana ended up to pay for it. Hamid's promise to make his parents pay her back was, as usual was a bluff; and she embarrassed in front of her family accepted the rare occasion that a woman pays for her wedding in their culture. Hamid became the permanent resident of their home; and Hana, very upset for her shattered dreams, had to move to a bigger room with a bigger bed, a room that belonged to her parents. Mina, her younger sister, gladly occupied Hana's closet like room so she did not have to share room with Sara, her distasteful sister. Gol had already moved to the living room a while back because of her condition so everyone could have an eye on her. Every night when the bed time would come, they would make a bed for her on the floor; which Gol liked and her children approved of; and then in the morning they would put the hand made bed in the closet and use the room as the living room.

The night of wedding, after everyone left, Hana took off her wedding gown, she had sewn it herself, and wore her normal house dress. Then she helped her insane mother, who was bewildered of all the activities, to change and walked her to her bed. Gol instinctively knew a major change had happened in the house that she had been the first lady of it long ago. Nonetheless, she could not put her finger on it. Whatever the change was, she did not like it. Hana, knowing her mother very well, noticed the perplexity in her eyes.

"What is it mom? Do you want to tell me something?"

Gol's blurry vision made it impossible to recognize Hana's abstracted mind; however, as babies know their mother's mood, she, too, knew there was something different about her daughter, who had changed place with her and had become her mother.

"Why did you change your room?" Gol asked Hana hesitantly.

"Mom, I am married now. Hamid is staying with us. We needed a bigger room. We took that room since you're in the living room now; and nobody was using it."

Gol despondently grabbed Hana's hand.

"No, you can't marry! Are you going to give my food to Hamid?"

"No, mom, no one can touch your food. Now go to bed. I see you in the morning."

"Do you sleep with Hamid now?"

Hana gently kissed her mother's forehead.

"Don't worry mom, I always be your daughter."

In her new bedroom, the new bride was drowned in a world filled with sadness and regret. She looked through the mist of her eyes to her husband's naked body and an unsightly fear shook her. Using the closet to change to her nightgown, she heard Hamid's voice which sounded so different, as though she had never heard that voice before.

"What is the delay for? Come on. Don't act like a decent, virgin girl!"

Those words trembled her more. She was virgin. She was decent. She submissively walked to bed. The wedding night, she was told, was supposed to be the best night for a young woman. For her, let's just say that she was hospitalized the next morning with an unendurable pain that would stay with her even when the physical pain was gone.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... {}{ 14- Obscene Abstraction

"He can't scare us. He's bluffed you all these years; and you're so frightened that you can't think straight." Farhad says while looking in his mother's eyes with the intensity that reminds her of her father.

"Haven't you witnessed some of his cruelties to me?" Hana Babbles.

"Yes, I have; and I know all about them. But that is because you've allowed him and never did anything about it!"

"Mom, Farhad is right. We're stronger than him." Sam enters the conversation.

"It is not about strength, honey. He's crazy. You know it. He kills us. He's told me if I leave him, he throws acid on my face and kill..."

Farhad interrupts his mother:

"Mom, it's enough. We know about all those threats. We have law here. Women here are protected. He can't do anything. We kick his ass."

Hana discovers for the first time her sons' vigor and their deep hatred for their father. A sense of security brings a pink blush to her cheeks; nonetheless, she quickly falls back into her old habit, fear. But is it fear that has stopped her of any action for so many years, or is it a sadomasochistic attachment that she has found in her sick husband?

Introspecting, she learns a despondent truth about herself which gives her an abject and piteous hopelessness. How and when did she become a masochist? In her last confession in front of the mirror, she has admitted that all these years the forces that have driven her life were not only fears but her desperate need to be punished by an abusive man like Hamid. Her children ultimatum has put her in a spot to choose, them or Hamid. Her decision will clear the enormous cloud in her life, a cloud of uncertainly, ambiguity, and bewilderment. Will she choose saving herself and her sons from this horrible life, or will she continue the old addiction because old habits are hard to break? Exasperating for the uncovering her nihilistic existence, she conjures up some of the old happenings.

Tehran-

Van's unfortunate capture that had cost him his life, changed everyone. Growing dread filled their days while Gol was becoming closer to insanity everyday. Her four children, three of them teenagers, watched their mother's hopeless disappearance with their tormented eyes; and none could do anything to bring her back to normal herself. She vanished more and more everyday and became like a body of nothing, who did not care, understand, or remember. If she was not fed, she could go without food; and if doors were unlocked, she would leave the house without knowing her familiar city anymore.

As observant as Hana was, it took her a while to take the required precautions for watching her mom. When Gol disappeared for two days, afflicted Hana and her grandparents and uncles searched everywhere. With the help of the police they finally found her south of Tehran, very far from their homes, in a alley begging with torn clothes. The trauma of admitting mother's insanity was beyond Hana's endurance. She, who had become a mother of three, a wife to be, and a provider over night, was overwhelmed by responsibilities combined with suffocating pain. Her brother Boby, seventeen, a typical teenager, damaged by the last two years of anguish, acted unreasonably selfish for awhile. However, soon, he found the same strength that Hana had showed after their father's death, and became a helping hand to his older sister. Her sister, Sara, fifteen, stayed in her old habits, wanting no matter what; and when she realized that Hana would not buy her many pairs of shoes and dresses, she began hating her older sister and never changed or helped. When Hana forced her to give her a helping hand, she threatened Hana of leaving home for ever. Mina, thirteen, the youngest, reminded Hana of herself. She, who was introduced to many pains so soon, drowned herself in books, studying, and helping Hana. Everyday after school, when Hana was still at work or college, Mina started the dinner, took care of their insane mother, and fought to change her arrogant sister, Sara.

Hamid visited Hana every evening when the struggle of the day seemed to be over. Their fatigued love that worried no one anymore, wove like a web around them while sitting on the balcony. They would sit there, stifled by the memories of the dead, detached from the shocks and bad news until the clock announce twelve midnight. Hana's sensibility, her controlled, discreet, and concealed delicacy wrapped around her finance' which he had to push them aside to leave at the proper time, twelve o'clock.

To Be Continued

odyssey... ~~14- Obscene Abstraction

Farhad's disappearance, Sam's quiting football and gaining weight, and Hana's devastation do not bother Hamid at at all. He is engaged in a word that is correct and logical for him. He truly believes that his behavior is normal and the purpose of women's existence is to to serve men, and to do what they are asked. He can not possibly respect women since the first woman in his life, his mother, did not have any decency and virtue. She abused family's earnings for her selfish desires, did not care for her children's well being, and persuaded her husband to turn over everything to her when he was alive. When Hamid's father died, she already had everything ; and there was not even a small thing that children could have from their dead father for sentimental reason. Her spiteful attitude, caused Hamid's older sister to prostitute and his other two sisters to boss their husbands and become like their mother. To Hamid, if one's mother gets her way by torturing, immorality, and fierceness, all other women in the world were the same. Hamid's philosophy is to use and abuse women so they can not do the same to him like his mother did.

Hana is very well aware of her husband's obscenity. Not knowing how to save the family, she has tried numerous times to send him to a psychologist. In respond to his angry refusal, she has even suggested that they both need to see one. However, Hamid feels that he is very normal; while all people around him, both in Tehran and Dallas have been abnormal. When Hana finally gives up the idea of saving the family by curing Hamid, she is despondently mortified. How can she continue a life that lacks righteousness, and at the same time endures a sullen, indecent, vulgar, and psychopathic man, who is destroying all of them? Finding courage to break the everlasting fear, brings her a greater dread. When Hamid hears that she wants a divorce, he relentlessly says:

"Sure, I divorce you; but first I kill you and the kids and myself."

So Hana forgets the divorce and strives to save the family by keeping them alive. If she knew about his bluffing both in Dallas and his planning seeds of fear in her maliciously to make her stay with him, she perhaps gotten rid of him a long time ago. But how could she know? His stern attitude has never showed her a sign that he was deluding.

That afternoon when Hana sees Farhad enters the house, enraptured by bliss, she knows that Lila, her other-half, must have something to do with her son's return. When Hana learns about Lila's promise to her son, she falls into a sate of confusion. How can she carry Lila's words while being horrified! Nevertheless, Farhad's insistence and threat for leaving again, leave her no alternative. Sam, who finds a gleam of hope in his world of nonentity by seeing his brother again, also demands his mother to carry on her promise to Farhad. She bluntly tells her sons about fear and their father menace. As young and inexperienced as they are, they laugh at their mother's futile fear. Then they take over the situation as Hana did when her father passed away.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~14- Obscene Abstraction

On the other hand, I see the tragedy clearly; and I am certain that something must be done very quickly before lives are shattered completely. How can I take control while my creator fights me for her tremendous fear? Searching for missing Farhad, I try to direct Hana. She angrily pushes me aside and abandons me. When I come back to life again with my own effort , she screams at me and takes me inside again. Her petrified behavior leaves me no choice but to hide from her and begin searching on my own for our missing son. Going to Farhad's college and talking to his friends brings me the bitter reality that he has quited school. As persistent as I am, I find some students that they know about Farhad's place of living.

When I knock the door of the apartment, I fear of what I will face. Farhad opens the door, looking astonished, and...

"Mom, what are you doing here?"

I don't dare to tell him that I am not his mom, but her mom's other-half.

"I want you to come home with me."

He looks at me as though he sees a stranger.

"Why? Nobody lives the way we do. If you want to be miserable, I don't!"

I look at this handsome young man, who looks very much like Hana's dead father; and a world of sorrow shivers me. How can I blame him for his mistakes? My amiable look softens him a little but not to the point of going home with me. He wants assurance which leaves me no choice but to give in to him.

"Your brother and I need you. We need to do something before...," I pause with a feeling that makes it impossible to continue the conversation. How can I promise a change while it is up to his mother to change this miserable environment? I am only a spirit; nevertheless, when I remember Hana's breakdown for his disappearance and also Sam's problems, I convince myself that I perhaps can do something; and for this moment, I must act as his mother.

"What do you want to do? You always talk and never act." He feels oppressed and stifled beneath Lila's inquisitive eyes, who never finished her sentence. His low paying job at the grocery store brings him very little money to pay his share of the rent and food. That thought makes him think hard about his situation. However, he decides to get a promise from his mother before going home with her. He lifts his eyes and in an aloof way says:

"How do I know that this time isn't just talk like always and you really want to do something?"

"I promise; but we need to do it together. Without your help, I can't get rid of your father."

He thinks for awhile.

"Okay, it's done. Let me get my stuff."

To be Continued

Odyssey... 14- Obscene Abstraction

Dallas-

Abstracted with an ashen heart, which has withstood the most periodic phenomenon of compellable calamities, Hana withers in her safe corner which has been the only escape from gnawing. The extremity to feel sad becomes a weakness as the years have enfeebled her. Looking back to those days has brought all piteous cataclysms to a surface that has already been lamented. She is halted by the apparent load of hatred towards unknown places and people which overwhelmingly wastes her in a life of anger and crises in Dallas. Alone in a world of stories and myths, news and discoveries, she is lightheaded and does not know what life is all about. Remembering all endeavors and hardships for survival, all sleepless nights to finish college for better future, and everything else she had done to support, give, and ease, bring her a feeling of stifling oppression.

Hamid is worse than ever. His abuse, irresponsibility, and selfishness have reached an unendurable point. A few friends they have made, one by one scatter since he flirts with all women, young, old, married, or unmarried; and ruins everyone's party with his excessive drinking. Farhad and Sam have reached the age that standing a father like Hamid becomes impossible for them. Life in this apartment looks like a spark beneath cinder awaits coming to blaze any second.

Twenty years old Farhad, sees the reality of life outside the circle of his family and the world in that apartment. He sees the outside world mostly normal. He sees his friends mostly have conventional and stable lives. He exasperates for the cursed life that he, his brother, and his mother live. Being ashamed, he can not even talk to his closest friend about his deepest affliction which leaves him in an abnormal way of solitude. This feeling causes him the lack of concentration, enthusiasm, and purpose. The bitter feeling results in unsuccessful accomplishment in college one semester after the other; while he hides those failures from his mother. Meeting a wrong friend for his state of mind adds to all these disastrous dilemmas; and soon coming home late becomes a normal habit for him. He had seen so much miseries in his short life. Alcohol turns to be an escape; and getting drunk gives him a sense of frivolous oblivion. Angry at everything, he wonders why his mother does not do anything about this excruciating life! How can she take all these emotional and physical abuse he has witnessed? He just does not understand it. He, who at this point is more American than Iranian, can not comprehend his mother anymore. He feels that she must be crazy to put herself and her children through this tortured life! Discovering his true feeling brings him a world of abandonment that he no longer can cope with it. What does he do? While not being able to talk to anyone, he makes a desperate decision. he packs his clothes one day that no one is home and moves to his friend's apartment.

Sixteen years old Sam finds the answer in football. In tenth grade, he is popular and well liked by his schoolmates; and is adored by girls. In the gym, he builds up his muscles and shows them off by wearing tight shirts or tank tops. In the field, he discharges his anger by tackling the players of the other team very hard, running harder, and becoming a star. However, an accident brings him to a mental collapse so devastating and dire that shatters him entirely. A fall, while playing football, causes him to go to the hospital. The doctor treats the fracture on his ankle. After doing many session of physical therapy, he thinks he can be back in the game. He is so impatient to play football again, that he does not give himself enough time to heal. He wants to be back right away; and even his coach tells him that he needs to take more time off. Trying hard and pushing himself to do what he did before, brings him a torturous pain; and when he finally gives up football, he also relinquishes all other activities. Nobody is there for him to tell him that he can be back in the game if he practices some patience. He changes to a lonesome teenager who finds no elation in anything that has thrilled him before. At home, a place that has always been devastating with his abusive father, depressed mother, and indifferent brother, he finds no solution for his deplorable fortune. In the chasm of obscurity, he finds himself lying in bed, doing nothing. Soon, he becomes a gluttonous creature, who finds pleasure only in eating. Very soon, the fit, muscular teenager turns to an overweight person. Excessive fat covers his body while he loses all sense of courage and grace.

To be Continued

Odyssey...~~13- Abyss

Hana sneaked out of home so she did not have to answer her crying mom. How could she possibly tell her mother about her excruciating intuition? In Amir's home, Hana made Jila understand that she was not breaking her engagement with Hamid; and to her repeated curious quesios, she said:

"It's about my brother!" Suprisingly, she found out that Jila did not know anything about it. Hana, for the first time believed Amir when he had told her not to talk to anyone. He had not even told his wife. Jila'a repeated questions left Hana no choice but to say:

"I can not tell you. After I see your husband, if he wants, he can tell you."

Jila frowned and left the room. Ten minutes later Amir and Hamid came and when they saw Hana there, their entire aura showed an unpleasntness that could not be hidden from her.

"What are you doing here?" Hamid asked her.

"Your sudden departure from my home made me suspicious. What's going on? If you know something, I want to know." She demanded.

Amir left the room, and took Jila, who was listening to the discover the mystery, with him. Hamid paced the room. Hana, with burning eyes, dry mouth, and throbbing heart was waiting for an answer; but Hamid would not talk. When Amir returned to the room, Hana walked to him and grabbed his hand.

"Tell me what's going on."

Amir look at Hamid and Hamid turned away and walked towards the window. Hana let Amir's hand go; and in a stage of a mental collapse, leaned on the wall. There was no need for words to let her know the tragedy. Her brother was one on the twenties.

Hana disagreed with Hamid and Amir's suggestion for not telling her mother. Jila, now that somewhat knew the story, was trying so hard to comfort Hana; but she did not want comfort. As usual she had to take the logistical matters in her hand.

"I must tell my mom. Do you want her to live in a vain hope for the rest of her life that one day Van will enter the house? Isn't that worse than the bad news?"

"Who is going to tell her?" Hamid asked.'

"Who else! It's my job to tell her. I am the only one can tell her. I must..." Her voice was barely audible before she collapsed on the floor.

Everybody running around her and trying to help her. She finally let the tears flow. Her cry seemed more like someone with cold than real cry. Amir asked his wife to bring a cup of coffee for her. Holding the cup in her shaky hands, she spilled most of it on the floor. Hamid took the cup from her and held her. She at last burst into a loud cry.

"Why? Why? Oh, God, why?"

After her hysterical frenzy was faded away to replace to a silent depression, Hamid offered to take her home. She unexpectedly resisted Hamid's hand and pushed him away.

"No, I am not leaving now. I want Van't body." Her demand seemed unreasonable.

"They never give the bodies to the families. They never even tell the families that have executed their loved ones. You know they don't want to advertise what they do!" Amir said ardently.

"I don't care. I want his body. I don't want those murderers to bury him in a mass grave as I've heard."

"Let me see what I can do. This is never been done. But I'm going to try. I promise you to the life of my only child that I do what I can possibly do to get his body." Amir said softly and genuinely.

Hana finally dropped her defense and let Hamid to take her home.

With Amir and Hana's minister's cousin's help and some bribe that came from Uncle Nabi, two days later, they received Van's perforated body in an unknown morgue. Gol, being in the hospital for nervous breakdown, could not be there; and Hana taking charge again, identified her brother's white body. He looked so dead as though he never existed. After a year and half separation, Hana was able to tell Van how much she missed him. He rested there lifeless with no blood left in his veins; while his chest and neck were all torn. Hana rejected uncle Nabi's offer to leave the room; and stood there as inanimate as her brother without any tears. Van was buried privately and secretly as Savak had ordered. Gol, still in hospital, was fighting her spiritless body and becoming closer to insanity, could not attend the burial.

"I am thoughtful when night warns storm and rain.

And it is night, where dead are in pain.

Should morning life peaks from mountain bed!

Should morning covers its face of this storm's dread!"

One thing Hana got to do before putting the shattered pieces of their lives back together, and that was to pay a visit to Reza, her vicious uncle, who had betrayed her brother. She did not speak to anyone about her plan. The morning after the burial, at six in the morning, she knocked Reza and Asad's apartment. When Asad opened the door and saw his niece after so many months, he instinctively knew the calamitous news. Hana did not look like a teenager who used to stay in her room with all her books anymore. She was a lamented woman looking older than her age. They looked at each other for awhile without speaking; and spontaneously at the same time, they opened their arms for a hug. Asad, a young man, a little older than Hana, a brother to her father, stood there, not being able to invite her in. The disastrous mishap was an unbelievable tragedy to accept. She finally entered the apartment.

"Where is Reza?"

"He is asleep." He pointed to a closed door.

Hana opened the door. Reza aware of everything, was not asleep. He looked at her and a sudden terror haunted him.

"Van is dead." She said while burning with desire to kill her uncle. "You're alive,"

Reza bent his head. He did not dare to look at her. Denial seemed stupid.

"I am sorry more than you can imagine." He finally said.

"I know; and I wish you stay sorry for the rest of your life. I can't forgive you. Can you forgive yourself?" And she left.

Hana, feeling lonely and overwhelmed with more responsibilities, did not delay the wedding. She could use a shoulder to lean on, a hand for help, and warm body for comfort.

To Be Continued

Odyssey...<> 13- Abyss

The day of Farshid's freedom was not certain; therefore after he agreed to take Van's letter out, Van wrote his letter on the toilet paper with a pen Farshid had stolen. After finising the letter, in a safe moment, he placed the letter out through the iron bars and his friend picked it up. Farshid memorized Van's home phone number and gave the piece of steel to his friend. The day of freedom for Farshid came three days later after he agreed to take Van's letter out. While the two boys had said goodbyes many time, Farshid knew he would never hear Van's voice again. When the guard came to accompany Farshid to freedom, he acted sick. His sneezing and coughing sounded very normal while he had a bunch of toilet paper in his hand to wipe his nose. Van's letter was squashed among them. He felt so little on his own clothes for he had lost so much weight since his capture. After they blindfolded him, in the back seat of the car, he continued sneezing and coughing; and never let go of the crushed toilet paper. When they dropped him up the street, where he lived, he was still sneezing.

Walking home with unsteady steps, a sentence echoed in his mind: "We'll execute twenty of these damn communist next week. You better keep your mouth shut if you want to stay free. We'll be watching you." That was the last thing he was told before they dropped him off the car.

Being fearful, he waited one week and finally decided to call Van's mother. Being afraid to call from his home, that night in a welcome party in his sister's home, twenty kilometers away from his house, after dinner, he left the house and walked to a pay phone in the square close by and made the call. He could feel the pain of Van's mother when they talked, and he even was ashamed that he was not allowed to tell her anything about her son. All he said to Gol was about Van's letter. How could he tell the crying mother that twenty of those political prisoners had already been executed, or would be soon?! To respond to Gol's unclear questions, he repeatedly gave her hope. While he was terrified to meet Van's mother, for she would certainly be anxious and upset, and most definitely would ask him many questions which he was not allowed to answer, he did not know how to get the letter to her. That thought left him no choice but to involve his brother-in-law. He promised that his sister's husband would give the letter to her in two hours in the bus station in P. square; a place far from his home, Van's home, and his sister's home.

Gol and Hana met Farshid's brother-in-law in the bus station. No words were exchanged. He left the crushed toilet paper on the bench and disappeared. Hana immediately picked it up and put in in her purse.

By morning the words of the letter were read many times by mother and daughter, The solitary widow stared at her son's hand writing that had changed tremendously, and repeated the words on the letter all day. Hana missed work and college that day just to watch her mother; while she had this strong conviction that the real disaster would be ahead. They had no way to contact Farshid since he had left them no number or address. Hamid visited them that day when he heard about the letter. He called his uncle. In a couple of hours, Amir, Hamid's uncle came to their house to face the crying mother and children. He did not have the heart to tell them that twenty of the prisoners were executed yesterday. Hoping that van was not among them, Amir told Hamid of what he knew. He also told him that he could get the list of those twenty from his friend.

Their sudden departure made Hana and Gol suspicious, but even to Hana's repeated questions in the alley, Hamid shook his head and ignored her.

Hana instinctively knew something had to be wrong. Hamid and his uncle's behavior did not sound right. How could she find out? An hour later, secretly she called Amir's house and talked to his wife. He was not home. His wife said that she was expecting him any minute. Hana asked their address and without answering her questions, said:

"I am coming there."

"What is wrong?" Jila, Amir's wife asked, but the phone was dead.

To Be Continued

Odyssey...// 13- Abyss

~

"I am writing to you mom without knowing if you ever get this letter. So I was stupid. I didn't listen to Hana and uncle Behroz. They knew about it. They confronted me. But I was so angry at life that their worriment made me even more serious to do what I was doing. I just couldn't understand why dad had to die and leave us alone. I hope Boby doesn't make my mistake and learn this sickening thing from me. But mom, I swear to your life that I haven't done anything. The big guys who were lecturing us, are all free; and we are here. I've done a lot of thinking here. That's all I can do. I know it is not worth it. If I ever come out of here, I leave this hell of the country. I just can't tell you what I've learned here. How people come and the next day they all are gone, dead. There is no sense for me to hide anything from you at this point and after one year and half. There is this rumor going around that they're sending some of us to the prisons in other cities and ... I can't just tell you what else. When they arrested me, I was told that Reza betrayed me. I don't know if it is true or not; but somehow I know it is. I remember after dad's death when Hana told them that they needed to leave our house and make a living for themselves; Reza's response to her was, I show you. How did they know his name and his relationship to me.

"Oh, mom, I am sorry, very sorry. I love you. Forgive me for this pain that I caused you. Try to concentrate on my sisters and brother. Hana is a jewel. I always hated her because she is so smart; but when I saw how she handled everything after dad's death, I was ashamed of myself. When she and uncle Behroz followed me every night and she asked me to give up those meetings, I was mad at her; but now I wish I had listened to her. Mom, I don't know how Farshid, my friend, is going to take my letter out, but if you ever get it, please don't be sad. Your sadness is my misery and agony. I love you very much. I don't think I've ever told you; now is the time to tell you.

"Your son, Van"

Dallas-

In the loathsome ambiguity between belief and despair, in the conscious burying herself alive in grief for all those years, in the diligent perception of helplessness for her stand of all unsatisfied desires that have turned inwards, in the heat of uncertainly, regrets follow these feelings. Should she seek knowledge from elders, wiser, and the people who had influence with government, like her minister cousin, things might had been different. Hana suffers a delusion that brings her to a stage of feeling guilty. She, who had learned to hide many things, never spoke a word to anyone of what she had known about Van before his capture. Wouldn't things be different if she consulted uncle Nabi or her distant minister cousin? For years she has gotten to the habit of torturing herself for never saying a loving word to her dad before his death, feeling guilty for Saeid's suicide, and for Van's...

Tehran-

To Be continued

Odyssey...{} 13- Abyss

One day that some government officials were visiting the prison, they lined up all the prisoners in the compound for the ceremony, Farshid found a piece of steel. Not knowing at the time what he would do with it, he secretly took the piece to his cell. Soon he found a good use for it. He burnished the piece by rubbing it against his clothes; and very soon, he had a valuable tool. All day and everyday, he used the piece of shinning steel to watch the either side of the hallway and anytime he saw the reflection of a guard in the steel piece, he his it. Gradually he learned most of guards' habits. When he could, he talked to his next door neighbor, Van. Soon those two innocent victims made friends. Being able to talk, gave the two boys, one year apart in age, a sense of vitality; and slowly they learned everything about each other.

One early morning when a guard took Farshid with him, Van lost the only gleam of hope he had. In his disturbed mind, he wished Farshid had left the steel piece for him; but very soon, he realized that Farshid could not had possibly known about this incident. Being worried for Farshid, he knew taking prisoner from their cells meant disaster, a never return. That thought brought him a bitter reality; when would be his turn? However things had a strange twist this time! Farshid was brought back to his cell in the afternoon. After the disappearance of the guard, Van did not wait for Farshid's brandish.

"Where did they take you? I thought I never see you gain." He whispered.

Farshid looked carefully around with his piece and then said:

"All these times that I told them I was innocent, they did not want to believe me. Today they told me that I was innocent and after some paper work, they're going to free me." He was overwhelmed by rapture.

Van thought for a minute and then said:

"Do you believe them?"

"Yes, I do. I am innocent. I haven't done anything."

What were they telling you all day?" Van asked.

"Many things; but bottom line is that I'm not supposed to tell a word about here to anyone even my family when I am released."

"And If you do!?"

"Well, you know how ruthless Savak is. Then they will arrest me for good and that is going to be the end of me."

"Does it mean that you must forget these year and half, as it never happened?"

"Yes, pretty much!"

"How can you?"

"I don't know. I must if I want to live."

"When?"

"I don't know the exact day, but soon."

That night in bed, Van wished it was him that leaving that hell not Farshid; nonetheless, soon he hated his own evil heart. Farshid Had been truly a bystander on that dooms day, but he was taking classes about the corruption of government and they were teaching them the Marxism. He could not find any guilt about that, but unfortunately they lived in a police state. Pondering in bed, a plan began shaping in his mind and he could not wait till morning to tell Farshid about it. Excited by his plan, he forgot the cautiousness and called Farshid, who was also awake.

"If I write a letter to my mother, will you take it out for me?"

The thought of that act was so impossible that Farshid shivered.

"Are you out of your mind? If they find it, I'm dead."

Van, who already knew the answer, fell silent and they did not talk the rest of that night.

On the other side of the wall, Farshid felt Van's pain. Pondering all night, he decided to take the risk. When he came to that conclusion that he would take Van's letter out, he immediately started a plan in his mind. When the light of the morning brightened the hallway and their cells to a smaller extent, he looked outside with his steel piece to make sure no guards were around. Then he called Van.

"Are you awake?"

Van, who had not slept at all, felt a sad world of nonentity. He was empty of courage for survival. He was giving in to so called destiny, his doomed destiny. Repeated Farshid's call made him to answer reluctantly:

"What, what is it?"

"I have a plan about your letter!"

"Forget it. That was a stupid request."

"No, I want to do it. We need a pen or pencil."

"We don't have paper."

"Those toilet paper are tougher than paper.

"Where will get a pen?"

"I get it today. They are going to pick me up today to sign some papers. I steal one."

~

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~13- Abyss

In the solitary cell, not knowing about anything about outside world, his family, his guilt, and the outcome of his capture for the last one and half years, Van did one thing that no one could take away form him or find out about it- thinking. At age eighteen, he had seen many unpleasant miseries. The gray tufts of hair were changing his appearance. The only time he could hear or see a human was when the twice a day meals were brought to him. Breakfast was always a small piece of hard, not chewable bread with a small piece of cheese, and nothing to drink to wash out the taste of that horrible thing, and the second meal was served in the afternoon; and it was a thin, watery soup with potato and rice in it. He, who at the beginning had refused food, soon accepted those unsavory food to retain his energy for the time of the freedom. However, as more time passed, he completely lost hope. The only thing that gave that unpredictable life a little light was knowing that there were other cells connected to his, in that prison with people in captivity, like him. Without ever seeing the other prisoners, or talking to one another, or knowing names, and ages; all those prisoners made a bond that was beyond speaking, hearing, or knowing. Just breathing the same morbid air, eating the same revolting food, and smelling the same stench brought them close while they all shared the same longing.

All prisoners were called "Antigovernment", or according to Savak's agents, "Communists". Those young boys and girls missed their homes, mothers, comfortable beds, and healthy food. For most of them being in a wrong place at a wrong time had cost the abyss of imprisonment; while the real anti government brains were drinking imported liquor and discussing the theories of Carl Marx and Friedrich Nietzhe in their luxurious mansions. They called these young prisoners, the foot soldier of something very important and essential for their country.

The seventeen years old Farshid occupied the cell next to Van. His capture by Savak was a true joke. He was just a bystander the day that Savak's agents had rushed to the suspicious house. In the heat of that moment with a lot of ambiguity, he was arrested,too. He, being curious to know what was going on in that house, had stopped to watch; and that had been the end of his freedom. A school boy, who had no knowledge of politics; and was only interested in flying kites, was now prisoners for the last one and half years.

All the cells were located on one side of the long hallway; therefore, prisoners could see only a wall through the iron bars of their cells. Not having any view, they did not know when a guard was close by. Learning about some cases when the prisoners had talked with each other, frightened them to speak a word to their fellow prisoners. They had noticed that sometimes the guards walked without their shoes so the prisoners could not hear their approach.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... 13- The abyss

Tehran-

In the fervor of hesitation, taking a firm decision, denying the message of night, and bringing the intended conclusion to life, Hana's vision ruthlessly haunted her after the departure of their guest. Torn between falling in love with Hamid and hating his family, specially his mother, damaged her unconquerable resilience. She, who was able to bring her family to accept an impossible matter with her strong will, felt so weak, so bitter, and so abject, that no encouraging word could ease that great pain. Why wasn't she happy? While examining her real self, she remembered insolent power of Hamid's mother and the ridiculous silence of his father. The morbid character of that woman had left a loathsome stigma in her mind that she could find no cure for it. Her contemptuous and fierce attitude frightened Hana to a degree of shaking in her closet- like room; and in her exhausted mind, she pictured many scenarios and immoralities that had been done by that woman to Hamid. Even though Hana was not aware of that brusque raising one's child at that hazy moment, soon she would find out what she saw in her imagination the evening of her engagement, had really happened; and for some strange reason, she saw them in her vision and she knew about them that night. Those thoughts made her very sad for Hamid. She promised herself to be a good, loving wife for him to make up for his lost love of his mother; and to give him what he had never had, a real love.

Involved in her own world, she heard the phone rang. Running downstairs, hoping it would be Hamid, she found her mother frozen and silent of an unknown shock, listening to the person on the other side.

"Who is it mom?" Hana could not wait for her mom to finish the conversation.

Gol put her finger to her lips, means to hush. Her act made Hana even more nervous. She wondered who might be calling that late. Hana's eagerness to talk to Hamid, she had assumed it was him when she was in her room, caused her to lose her strong intuition. Finally when Gol was off the phone, Hana noticed her pale face and trembling body; and before Gol would reach the floor, while collapsing, Boby and Hana caught her. When Gol gained her consciousness, the reflection of a blazing heat in her eyes made her children to understand that the phone call had been a shocking news about Van.

Odyssey... /\] 12- Self Shadow

"Where was I" Lila angrily thinks about Hana's interruption over and over that caused her to lose the chain of thoughts.

"If she doesn't do anything about her miserable life, I can't finish her story. I like happy ending." Finally Lila looks at some earlier pages she has written before Hana's disruption, and finds out where she has left the story.

"It was Hana's birthday and engagement."

Odyssey ... {}{} 12- Self Shadow

Going back home late in the evening, Hamid's mother stubbornly stayed quiet to avoid her husband, son, and brother- in- law's criticism for her rude behavior; nevertheless, Hamid, who almost lost the battle of marrying Hana, began an argument with his mother:

"Didn't I tell you to keep your mouth shut?"

Khanom, who had always has her way, broke up her silence:

"She is a bitch; and don't you talk to your mother like this ever again."

"You're not a mother. All you did for me, was giving birth. A dog can do that, too. At least a dog takes care of her young until they can be on their own. You even didn't do that for me. You don't talk about Hana like this ever again. She is my only chance in this world, for..."

Amir finally ended his silence and in a very low tone said:

"Khanom, Hamid is right. If Hana's family knew everything about you, they would never, I mean never let her marry your son. Just be grateful; and don't interfere anymore."

Agha, Hamid's father, finally broke into conversation; and turned to his wife and said:

"All I want peace. I work and you take care of the household. Anything else, just leave me out of it. You all solve your problems, leave me out of it."

Dallas-

The fuming remembrance floats in the air of big Dallas and leaves an indelible mark on a forty years old woman, who has lost everything either by death or by her own perpetual banishment. She stares at the foams of clouds that turn to dark gray and sees the reflection of soon crying sky in the water which is called Lake Dallas. Here participating in a picnic on a hot, humid summer day, she meets Horie, an Iranian woman, a little older than her, who immigrated to America a few years later than Hana for the same reason they did. Horie and her three children love Lake Dallas; and she who has never seen Hana here before, recognizes these fellow Iranians by their looks right away. Hana, who has always had a hard time to make friends, or being truthful, afraid to make friends because of Hamid, is irritated by this woman's persistence for conversation. However, soon Horie's warm and kind words soften obstinate Hana for making friends.

Going back home in the car, Hamid questions her about the woman she met by the lake and Hana simply says:

"Horie is an immigrant like us. She is very nice."

"Nice women don't go to lake without their husband." His voice is harsh.

"Her husband is still in Iran. He can't get out; so he sent his family here. He was a colonel in the Shah's army."

"Even worse, a woman alone in this country! I hope you didn't exchange phone numbers. I don't want you to talk to this woman."

Hana despondently remembers that they did exchange phone numbers.

"Yes, we did. Believe me she is very nice, a real lady."

"Don't you dare to talk to her. Only a whore goes to lake without her husband!"

"Stop it Hamid. She was there with her three grown up children. Her oldest son goes to Medical school, her daughter is Farhad's age, and her youngest son is Sam's age. We all can become friends. We're very lonely here."

"I said no. You don't need friends. First you want a friend; and soon you want to have a boyfriend. A decent woman don't go to lake without her husband, do you hear me?"

"How about you? You go to lake every Sunday without us. Does that make you an indecent man?"

Hamid, who had more than enough to drink, suddenly loses the control of the car; but somehow by miracle, nothing happens. Farhad, who exasperates by his father's impossible behavior, suddenly scream at his dad:

"Dad, I promise I kill you one day. You're not a human being, you're an evil. I know what you do to mom at night, and specially one night that you sent her to hospital."

Hana had no idea that her son is aware of the abuse she takes at nights and that one time that she went to the doctor.

At home, Hana feels that is much better not to go anywhere ever. Later she finds out that the reason Hamid wanted her to go to lake with him this one time, was his friend's insistence to meet Hamid's family, who is married to an American woman, and Hamid has an eye for her. Hamid met him in a club one night, and ever since he has made a bet with himself that he can take his American wife to bed. They became very close friends ever since. When Hamid is after something, he could be quite charming. The man trusted him and they became the best of the friends. Hamid went to lake and other places with them a few times; until one day, Farshid told him that they like to meet his family. Reluctantly, Hamid took Hana and the children with him that day.

Hana thinks back to what Horie told her at the lake:

"I don't like the way you husband acts around his friend's wife."

"What do you mean? Actually this is the first time I see them."

"It is not my business; but he doesn't pay any attention to you."

Hana scolded herself.

"No, you're mistaking!"

"Come on, I wasn't born yesterday. Look at him around that woman!"

Hana, who had already looked at that scene, was wondered why Susan's husband did not mind it. However, when she saw Farshid was flirting with another woman, she knew the answer.

Hana finally ends up to tell Horie not to call her again. she briefly explains the reason. So this becomes the end of a friendship that it actually has never started. Hurting by her own act, to reject a friend, she looks back to the days that she was trying to continue her friendship with Fery, who introduce her to Hamid, and Khanom, Hamid's mother objected that.

"A decent woman never makes friends. Her family is enough."

How much Hamid sounded like her mother, a woman who has many friends and ignored his family. When on their engagement day, she called Hana,"that girl", Hana thought she would like her when they were married, but she never did. Their endless battles anytime they saw each other continued for ever, while for Khanom was gaining power, and for Hana was not losing her dignity. However, as Hana learned to live that destructive life in Tehran then, she has learned that meaningless endurance here in Dallas, too. Growing dread that fills her days, leaves her a sense of nothingness; but one thing no one can ever takes from her- hope for later, one day, a day, sometimes, maybe.

<>

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ## 12- Self Shadow

The delicious food of Gol had always made everyone to go for the second and third helping, even people that were there for the first time. However, the fulfillment and pleasure of food did not prevent parents of Hamid and Hana from a discussion that was supposed to take place after meal. Uncle Nabi played the role of Hana's father; it was supposed to be grandpa, but he delegated it to his son like everything else. Since the custom in that male dominating society did not approve of women's participant in those kinds of important issues; nevertheless, their parts were mostly behind the scene and ultimately it was women's point of view that men took credit for them.

Hana, suddenly depressed, left the room and when she lay on bed in her closet- like room, a flood of tears rushed down her face. Missing her father terribly on her combined birthday and engagement, she exasperatedly pondered over the abyss of inevitability that seemed so unreal as though she was dreaming. She prayed that some strange thing would happen between men that Uncle Nabi could not tolerate it and throw all of these people out of the house. So strange to fight to achieve something and when you succeed, you pray for it to not go through! Hana's tears were more for her dad and Van and some for herself by creating a dark trap that now she was seeing it clearly.

Shortly after, her mom, who had noticed Hana's disappearance, knocked on the door, and without waiting, opened the door.

"What is it? Why are you crying?" Her voice sound sad and melancholy.

Hana sat on the bed and looked at her mom, who had become a widow at such a young age, who faced all the responsibilities without a partner, and who had suffered the tragedy of Van's capture by Savak. Somehow Hana felt a distraught confusion. She noticed her mom's red eyes and glowing cheeks, which always been a sign of sadness.

"What about you, mom? Why are you sad?" Hana's words were like a heavy blow for the solitary widow.

Gol sat on the bed after a minute of silence. Two women instinctively got closer and soon they both were hugging. Each had her head on other's shoulder.

"I miss dad, mom, I..."

"I miss him, too, sweetheart.'

When Sorie, uncle Nabi's wife opened the door to look for the hosts, she found the mother and daughter crying and hugging each other.

"What is wrong?" Sorie asked; but did not get any answer. Among the women in her family, Hana had always been close to Sorie. If she could not say a secret to Behroz, Sorie was her next choice. She was only six years older than Hana; and they already had three children. Hana loved her cousins; and always find a confidant in her aunt.

"You need to come downstairs." Sorie's words broke both mother and daughter's beautiful, yet sad moment together.

The rest of the day passed by by bargaining over Mehrieh. ( The amount of monetary compensation that the future husband will have to pay his wife in the case of a divorce. Mehrieh supposed to be an efficient insurance in a culture that there are not many alternatives for women after divorce. The controversy subject takes a lot of negotiation and sometimes results one side or both to call off the wedding. While for Iranians a high Mehrieh is a sign of status, for many others, like intellectuals or real religious types, a small token or a copy of the holy book, Koran, does the job.)

Hamid's mother, in a very disgusting way, while being aloof to everyone, as if she was better than Hana's family who were all simply dressed and did not have fifty kilogram of gold and diamond hanging from them, said:

"When I married Agha, (means sir. That is how she called her husband) my Mehrieh was ten thousand tomans( Iranian money). It has to be the same for this girl marrying my son." Her tone of voice was so offensive and rude that if a stranger, who did not know the situation, was there, he would think they were doing a favor to accept Hana as their son's wife.

Uncle Nabi, in response to her, while trying very hard to control his anger, said:

"Lady, you married thirty years ago. Things have changed since then. If you can't accept our offer of fifty thousand tomans, the engagement is off."

Suddenly Hamid, who had been quiet the entire time, screamed at her mother:

"Mother, what did I tell you at home? Can you just stay quiet and let men handle this. She is marrying me, and I say fifty thousand tomans."

When Hana finally lost her patience for being referred to as "this girl", and being priced like a bag of potato, the blazing fire in her eyes brought all astounded people to a sudden halt. Her anger was boiling to a degree that she could harm someone at that point. She thought this is the best time to get out of this whole thing. How can she become family with these people? The only sane persons amongst them were Amir and his wife, Hamid's uncle and aunt.When she opened her mouth, she wanted to say: "The wedding is off. Get out of my house." But instead, she said:

"It's enough. What is wrong with you people? I am not for sale." She was agitated at herself as she had never been of not being able to say what really she wanted to say.

Uncle Nabi got up from his chair and walked to her and held her hand and made her to follow her to the hall way. There, first he hugged her and then, being always a business man, said:

"Sweetheart, this is custom. It had been like this for ever." Uncle Nabi's voice was almost to a whisper. He did not want anyone to hear him; but Hana's answer was so loud that everyone in the room heard her.

"I don't care what the custom is. I'm not for sale; and I want that woman out of my home." Why didn't she say what really was in her mind. "I want out of this engagement." If she had said it, uncle Nabi, himself threw these shameless people out of his sister's home. Why didn't she?

A great brawl after insulting words of Hana for her future mother-in-law broke in; while Khanom (means lady, that is how they called Hamid's mother) was about to leave, and Hamid and his father were trying to stop her.

An hour later, when everyone was leaving, Hana looked at her ring in her finger, and thought:

"Hamid must love me very much to defend me in front of his mother and even at one point told her to shut up." A warm, unknown feeling entered her body. She imagined herself in a wedding gown on their wedding's day, six months from now. What she did not know was that Hamid already thinking of a revenge against this self- sufficient girl who insulted them all that night; even though it first came from his side.

To Be Continued

Odyssey... ~~12- Self Shadow

Tehran-

The hot summer of Tehran that year had a kind of uncleanness and blazing heat to it that enduring it was impossible for everyone and especially Hana; perhaps in today's society would be global warming or ozone level being too high. Ambiguous in her thoughts and plans, she did not want to see her twentieth birthday which was only a week away. As hesitant as she was, changing plan seemed an act of fragility. She, who had already gone through many hellish moments with her family, did not want to astonish them again by saying she changed her mind. When she investigated her true feelings, she came to the conclusion that the only reasons she was marrying Hamid were to go against her family, feeling sorry for Hamid, and believing him when he said he would kill himself. There were temporary moments that she thought she loved him; but those small fraction of times were only impulsive seconds that could bot be counted.

After her heated discussion and argument, her family, especially her mother, Gol, had reluctantly accepted her decision- the engagement party on her birthday as Hamid wanted it. The word of approval from mom sounded like, "all right, all right, leave me alone,". Hana understood despondently that mom never approve of Hamid truly. Believing that her mother was right, she did not know how to erase her stigmatic stubbornness, and how to cancel the arrangement. Should mom was a little more understanding and did not act aloof towards her and talked to her in a friendly manner, it would had been easier for Hana to call off the engagement; but not only Gol was unfriendly, indifferent, and uncommunicative, she also made fun of Hana for her choice, and peculiarity.

In the visit that Behroz had with Hamid after the night out with Hana drinking, he told Hana about his indefinite point of view. Hamid, who knew Hana adored her uncle and asked his advice in all matters, was very well prepared to pass this last test on that visit. He understood if Behroz's view of him was negative, he had no chance; therefore, he practiced for two days before the meeting to act like a normal human being. After the visit, Hamid was uncertain of the impression he left on Hana's uncle; nonetheless, he was sure it was not a negative one.

On the other hand, after Hana's insistence to know about their visit, Behroz said that he was not certain of Hamid's character and he had a strange sensation while he was with him, as if Hamid was acting. Being perplexed in her own true feelings, the anxiety at home, and Behroz's indecisive answer, brought Hana to a stage in which everything was irresolute in her exhausted brain. Hamid's endless kindness, those days, aroused a sense of importance within her which she needed desperately at the time of rejection by her family and Vagueness by Behroz. It felt good to be loved by someone, and while she was not sure if she loved Hamid, she figured soon, she could love him, too. The way he acted that being madly in love with her, so much so that he would kill himself if he could not have her, made Hana to think about Saeid a lot those days; and the fact that He had already committed suicide, added more to the fuel of this other.

Whereas American custom that women are normally given a diamond engagement ring, in Iran, both men and women would buy a wedding band for each other. Gol and Hamid's mother refused to go shopping with their children even though that was customary; which left Hana and Hamid in a disdained exasperation. However the excitement of buying the wedding bands overcame the dismay. Hamid, enraptured for being the victor, asked her what kind of ring she wanted. Her mind was still in her mother's absence in such important day of her life. She calmly said: "Something simple and cheap!"

Then Hamid insisted on a wedding band with some design or some small diamond on it, and Hana refused and stuck to her "something simple".

Hamid argued: "This is something you wear and keep for the rest of your life. Let it be a good one."

And Hana's answer was again, "something simple". The only thing she wanted was white gold.

In the jewelry store, after pricing all the simple rings, they chose the same plain white gold ring for each other. Hana paid for his ring, as it was custom, while he was searching his pockets for money to pay for her ring. Finally with a sad face, he said:

"I've forgotten my money. May be we come back tomorrow."

Hana, really irritated, said:

"That is not necessary. I pay for mine, too. But please keep it quite."

He , who felt her disappointment, grabbed her hand.

"I promise I'll pay you back tomorrow."

He never did.

Stop! What was she thinking? Why was no one there to help her to get out of this? Why did her family abandon her? She did not. She stepped in and took over dad's role at age eighteen. She needed her mom, Behroz, anyone, a friend, anyone to come and help her; but no one was there to tell her "STOP!!!!"

In the morning of that inevitable day, Gol, who had finally accepted her daughter's engagement, started cooking and cleaning the house before sunrise. They were supposed to have a late afternoon dinner. Besides Hamid's parents and sister, Hana thought in the last moment it would be a good gesture to invite Amir, Hamid's uncle, for all his efforts to help them about Van's case. Gol agreed without argument. Grandparents, uncle Nabi and his wife and Behroz were invited, too.

That morning forcing herself to help mom, and acting happy, Hana did not feel good at all. She was committing herself to a man while she did not know her true feeling for him. Besides all the anxieties , she was fearful to meet Hamid's parents for the first time. Helping mom let the morning to pass by much quicker; and by two in the afternoon, the table was set and everything was ready. Not knowing what to wear, she was torn between being impressive or simple; and as usual simplicity overcame the other. At three o'clock, Hana's grandparents, Behroz, and uncle Nabi and his wife came. Ten minutes later, Hamid, his parents, younger sister and Amir and his wife arrived. Men were dressed in suit and tie. Hamid's mother had a last fashion, sleeveless dress on. She was wearing so many jewelries around her neck, on her wrist, on so many fingers, and on her ears, that Hana thought she must had taken pain pill to carry all that loads and not being in pain. Compare to women in Hana's conservative family, Hamid's mother and sister looked overwhelmingly modern. However, Amir's wife was dressed very simple. The usual talk did not last more than ten minutes, while Hana busied herself in the kitchen.

To Be Continued