"I am writing to you mom without knowing if you ever get this letter. So I was stupid. I didn't listen to Hana and uncle Behroz. They knew about it. They confronted me. But I was so angry at life that their worriment made me even more serious to do what I was doing. I just couldn't understand why dad had to die and leave us alone. I hope Boby doesn't make my mistake and learn this sickening thing from me. But mom, I swear to your life that I haven't done anything. The big guys who were lecturing us, are all free; and we are here. I've done a lot of thinking here. That's all I can do. I know it is not worth it. If I ever come out of here, I leave this hell of the country. I just can't tell you what I've learned here. How people come and the next day they all are gone, dead. There is no sense for me to hide anything from you at this point and after one year and half. There is this rumor going around that they're sending some of us to the prisons in other cities and ... I can't just tell you what else. When they arrested me, I was told that Reza betrayed me. I don't know if it is true or not; but somehow I know it is. I remember after dad's death when Hana told them that they needed to leave our house and make a living for themselves; Reza's response to her was, I show you. How did they know his name and his relationship to me.
"Oh, mom, I am sorry, very sorry. I love you. Forgive me for this pain that I caused you. Try to concentrate on my sisters and brother. Hana is a jewel. I always hated her because she is so smart; but when I saw how she handled everything after dad's death, I was ashamed of myself. When she and uncle Behroz followed me every night and she asked me to give up those meetings, I was mad at her; but now I wish I had listened to her. Mom, I don't know how Farshid, my friend, is going to take my letter out, but if you ever get it, please don't be sad. Your sadness is my misery and agony. I love you very much. I don't think I've ever told you; now is the time to tell you.
"Your son, Van"
Dallas-
In the loathsome ambiguity between belief and despair, in the conscious burying herself alive in grief for all those years, in the diligent perception of helplessness for her stand of all unsatisfied desires that have turned inwards, in the heat of uncertainly, regrets follow these feelings. Should she seek knowledge from elders, wiser, and the people who had influence with government, like her minister cousin, things might had been different. Hana suffers a delusion that brings her to a stage of feeling guilty. She, who had learned to hide many things, never spoke a word to anyone of what she had known about Van before his capture. Wouldn't things be different if she consulted uncle Nabi or her distant minister cousin? For years she has gotten to the habit of torturing herself for never saying a loving word to her dad before his death, feeling guilty for Saeid's suicide, and for Van's...
Tehran-
To Be continued
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