Good old days, sneaky things, acts that in American Society would be normal! Nowadays, her sons do not have anything to hide; they just do it. Television, schools and even parents teach them to do it. Those days young people in her country were not supposed to see or know too much; or learn about the pain of their country and community. They would go from one darkness to another. That knowledge was for adults, leaders, who were corrupt, and people who wanted to sacrifice everything to send their messages across.
Tehran-
Hana's grandparents' home was only a few blocks from hers, which made it easy for her to go there everyday after school. She went straight to Behroz's room, where the young men were waiting for their competitor. As their discussion sometimes warmed up with flames and other times cooled off with breeze, Hana enjoyed every second of her time with those scalars (in her opinion). She normally sat on the only chair while the four men sat on the edge of Behroz's bed.
Hana had known Saied as long as she remembered. They were from the same town, same street, and same neighborhood. Her parents and grandparents knew his. Now that Hana was seventeen and Saeid was twenty, things were different. Without speaking a word, she knew Saied loved her. This time was not her imagination. She saw it in his eyes. She recognized it in his gentle tone of voice. Around him, she felt hot, cold, uneasy, relaxed, and bewildered; and she knew he felt the same, since there was a special empathy between them. They did not speak their thoughts and feelings; they did not have to.
When the heated discussion rose to its height, the drape flew inside of warm May wind, and mouths dried out of continuous arguing, she relaxed on her chair with an absolute confidence that she was accepted by her scalar friends and enjoyed the respect they had for a tiny girl, with shoulder length hair, and small everything. Whereas her size, Saied was tall, slim, with an olive color skin, and attractive mustache above her narrow lips, and of course a big nose which was inherited from his ancestors.
Dallas-
Hana has not changed, except a few wrinkles which are the sign of aging, and the furrow between her eyebrows which is deeper than ever. She is still tiny with shoulder length hair. She thinks as a parent, she does whatever it takes to make her sons' lives happier than hers; the best way that she knows how! Motherhood is not about size, it is about dedication and love. She is certain that her parents were as devoted as she is with the difference that their over protective love were sabotaging her self educated and accomplished mind. She tries very hard not to stifle her children with her love as her parents did to her. As she raises her sons, she also grows with them equally to understand today's society and its demand. Her parents did what they knew the best, and she does what she believes it is necessary. Why didn't they let her choose the direction she was aiming at? On the other hand, how could they? Besides was her direction a right and sane one for her time and where she lived? However, they did not know any better. Nobody, neither society, nor culture, nor religion had taught them any better. She comes to understanding that she has forgiven them; and feeling sorry will not take her back so she can repeat her life and lives it the way she knows now. As she is confused by the ambiguous questions, she looks around and finds no one to answer her doubtfulness. She is married, but she does not have a partner. She just learned that by American law, she has been raped for the last sixteen years since she married Hamid. In her mind, she had always thought that sex is only for men; and for women is only a duty. Now, here in America, by watching television, and talking to people, she realizes how this God given, moral pleasure has taken away from her by the simplest thing, ignorance. Digging inside her soul, she thinks of the possibility that her innocence and being naive, perhaps have taken away this great need she was taught to ignore. Sheltering in the fancied world of books, probably, has been her escape for not facing the bitter realities she knew and could and would not do anything about them. Her love for literature is the only thing Hamid could not take away from her. It has stayed her property. Rolling in bed, she tries to remember more about that sweet, short, and lost love.
Tehran-
That day they talked about Russian literature; and the young men were amazed by Hana's understanding of the era of the novels they were talking about.
"I didn't know you've read so much!" Saied said while a blush ran into his bony cheeks.
"I told you that she is well read." Behroz, her uncle, responded.
Hana shyly lowered her head while breathing heavily and said:
"Well, I always read, if it is not my school books, it is novels that Behroz gives them to me to read. Books are my friends."
"She played with books when she was little." Behroz supported her remark: "My sister and brother have nine children all together, and I chose her to become my protege, because she did have the potential."
Even though Hana was overwhelmed by the discussion, a strange sensation and pleasure immobilized her body. She was happy that her uncle talked about her with passion. However, she felt as though Saied's eyes were piercing her through without looking at her, or she looking at him. Every evening around seven Hana had to leave and go to her home. If she stayed longer, which she wanted to, her parents might not allow her to continue her daily visits.
At home, studying for final exams, her thoughts went back and forth from science and history to two black eyes, bony cheeks, and black mustache. An unspoken love opened its petals in her untouched heart and with its expansion, she felt an alien wonderment that she had never experienced. When nights came, she rested on her back with her hands clasped behind her head and stared in dark to an unknown place. She felt numb and no thoughts at those moments passed her mind. It was just blank. This new feeling, however, did not stop her of thinking about future. What did she want? Was it marriage and family, or university, working, and teaching? Unaware of what life would be for her, she spoke her thoughts as Scarlet did in GONE WITH THE WIND:
"I think about it tomorrow."
Dallas-
To Be Continued
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