How weak, fragile and angelic dad looked on that fourth of July, his last birthday; a thirty five years old man who was going to die soon, with five children, a wife, and two brothers to support. Hana, who left home for work every morning, begged her mom before leaving not to let the nuisance relatives disturb dad.
"What am I supposed to do? Throw them out!" Gol seemed powerless.
"Yes, mom, if you can't, I can and I will. I throw them out. I don't want them here. I thought we weren't supposed to tell dad; but he knows because of all these coming and going." Hana's anger at whole situation was to the point of boiling out and burning everyone.
Mom bent her head, and calmly said: "It's going to be hard."
"You can do it mom. Do it for dad. His relatives acts as though he is already dead. They come in the morning and stay here, have lunch and dinner, laugh and talk and talk about his cancer in front of him. Why can't they see we don't have the income to cook for so many people! why can't they see, he needs to be contented and at ease?!" Hana was beyond angry. He knew soon he will do something.
At school where Hana taught, all her colleagues knew the misfortunate terminal disease of her father; however, that knowledge did not stop them to be envious and infuriated at her because her distant cousin, who was the Minster of Education, had placed her in that position without having a teaching certificate. Hana wondered about their demeanor. She did her job better than any of them, she was very knowledgeable in anything she taught; nonetheless, solely deep inside she understood their indignation since she saw that displeasure and unrest in the entire society for many unjust things haunting people everywhere. Realizing that fact, motivated her to go back to school and take only one class at the time so she could work and would have time to be at home to take care of all the happening there. Very soon, she became the mother, and her mom changed to be another child at home. her talking to mom did not help the ordinary way of women's behavior that Gol had it, too.
Every evening, Hana looked into her brothers and sisters homework, the next day's living affairs, and then checked dad's condition. Finally one evening, what her mother could not tell all those loathsome relatives, she did:
"My dad needs his rest and peace. You just can't come here everyday and sit by his bedside and talk about what you've seen in magazine. Do it in your home, or help us in some way. If you want to see your brother, once a week is enough and that should be just a short visit not the all day picnic with all your children and..."
The angry relatives left and never came back; but not before complaining to Gol about Hana's rude and mean behavior. Hana did not care what they thought of her.
Now that dad knew about his fatal disease, every night after Hana was finished with her routine, he talked to her, as though she would be the one taking care of the family after his death. She held dad's hand for hours and let him talk, fall asleep, wake up, talk more. He always cursed the cruel life. Radiation and medicined did not help the cancer of spreading out; There was no chemo theraphy those days; and very soon, dad's inability for eating gave the repulsive signal the that end was near.
~~
Davoud, Hana's dad, loved to feel the warmth of sun rays coming through the open window on his weak and mortal body. There, lying in bed, unable doing what seemed very normal, he despised the despairing frivolity of life. He began doubting God he had worshipped all his life. Dizzily, he knew that he was mortified by a culture and custom in which he had been forced to marry at age seventeen and to have his first child, Hana, at age eighteen. being home late only one hour, his father had pressured him to marry: "It is time for you to marry a nice girl." His logic had been, "When a boy starts coming home late, he must marry". So Davoud had become a family man at the age that boys would enjoy their teenage years. Gol, his wife, being only one year younger than him, had not been much help since no one had taught her how to prevent unwanted pregnancy or tell Davoud how to do it. He was not blaming her for this because, she, like him, did not know any thing. They were two kids who enjoyed sex; and did not know the consequences of unprotected one. Five children arrived in ten years one after the other. Davoud had to become mature in a hurry to support them.
On the first day of autumn, The day that children were going back to school, Davoud found a little strength to gaze at the luminous rays of light pouring in with the morning sun. It gave his cold and broken body a warmth he enjoyed very much. He had enough energy left in him to investigate his life. The bitter reckoning suffocated him to a point that the magnitude of life did not seem so great anymore. He wondered in fright how he had gotten to that abyss of desertion. In a terrifying state of exhaustion, he let his entity be led to a shapeless place, where there were only a big moon and millions of stars in the bottomless of darkness. He felt that he could no longer resist the growling of his organs, fears, and the bewildered anxiety to join the sky; and at the same time to stay forever. The exasperated silence and the fearful journey made him shudder while he noticed that time was not passing. Then he felt a pure air in his aching skin; and an unbearable smell of memories floated.
There was a mournful glow on his face that was the color of autumn when his family found him dead on his bed. After all, Hana was not with him at the time of his death, nobody was. He died on his on term. She never told him she loved him. She also lost glow of her life.
When darkness slowly creeps,
A silent, vivacious breeze
Is felt on my colorless face;
And within my soul, restless of chase.
I feel faint and weak.
All I desire to rest not to seek.
I feel slowly within me,
The fire of life becomes free.
My knees buckle and shake;
Can't support my body of this ache.
I feel I may fall in some dark abyss
When my cheeks, gust of wind kiss.
Trying to open my eyes,
To see once more the world and skies;
But I find I can not though;
The fire of life is now a glow.
I found a sound afar;
It resembles the wailing of a war.
But still fast, faster blow
Tells me of my dying glow.
Another gust of wind is near,
To give my face a last cheer!
Frightened and shivering, I know
The fire of living is now only a glow.
Dallas-
Fourth of July is almost over while another shocking day will arrive soon, first of autumn, the day that Hana's dad died in his dream while being only thirty six years old. Now she is almost the same age when her father took his last journey. One thing dad's death has reinforced in her life, and that is not to put her thoughts into words. She has learned to hide his emotions, disgust, and distrust from everyone. Even after dad's death, when everyone was mourning, moaning, and fainting, she became the organizer and care taker to give the dad the last respect he deserved; while inside her soul, she fought with a spacious ferocity that wanted to tear everything and everybody apart. The perpetual irritation has ruthlessly infested her life like a permanent wound in finger. While nothing can lull her uproarious soul, she has managed to stay calm and responsible.
When each day begins with a morning mist, she looks at the nature's exhibition, and fantasizes that somewhere far, very far, her father roams dramatically under coquettish stars and breathes easily the irresistible fresh air and laughs joyously for feeling the animated breeze. Then she believes that they are joined till eternity by a bond that is more lasting that life- love.
To Be continued
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