Even now after so many years, Saeid's fierce and dynamic eyes are piecing Hana through. She, who was relived of many things, can not forget those penetrating eyes. How young, handsome, intelligent, yet how sensitive and fragile he was! She remembers him when he fired up in discussion. She always thought he could make a good and natural teacher. The tender passage of their love has stayed Hana's secret; and except Behroz, nobody ever knew about it. This one, she always keeps next to her heart and will take it with her to grave.
Here in America, many people may laugh for the cause of this great tragedy; but what it means incomprehensive here was a normal way of life there. She thinks of the harsh way that land with its great history, which changed after Arabs takeover, who brought with them the harshest system of governing, had destroyed many others she loved. The suppressive way of custom and culture, practically had smothered many who wanted to rise above it, which it had left them not many choices. The narrow opinion were either to give in or to get out, or join the opposition parties and go against government, as Hana's brother van would do. Committing suicide had not been a common choice, nevertheless, when combining intelligence and sensitivity, the mixture would be sometimes a walking bomb- a bomb which would would be explode or explode itself. Remembering those tragic days, when she was not able even to mourn, takes her back to that deplorable discovery.
Tehran-
The long, ambiguous waiting, not knowing the future, and the excitement of being in love were so overwhelming for Hana that she did not remember the old Hana, who never wanted to get married, or have a relationship. She was always afraid of love between men and women. To her, those words were her parents' lives- hardworking, taking care of children and others, and misery. Nonetheless, all those mixed emotions did not stop her of thinking about next week when Saeid would return. Counting minutes for his reappearance, she was fighting with her uproarious soul to settle down. To answer the questions she often asked herself, she deeply inundated with a desperate sorrow. All nights and every night came to mornings of sleeplessness and puffy eyes; while the furrow between her eyebrows deepened even more. Long, boring days, alone in her closet- like room, brought her many thoughts of different events which marched in her mind. It seemed that she could not concentrate on anything but Saeid.
The night before Saeid's arrival, Hana thought only about tomorrow, a day of reckoning, a day that her destiny would be made, a day that she would either fall in Saeid's arms or would run away from him. She dueled with all her mixed emotions, as her dominating feeling wanted to be a young, attractive, vibrant woman, who seductively would dress to go to the airport to see her boyfriend and would make him to fall even more in love with her; and the weaker part of her wanted to stay home and hear the news of his arrival from Behroz. Tossing and turning in bed, she was convinced that she would go and she would dress enticingly and she would try to make him to fall more in love with her- that unforgiving love. Then she thought what would she wear to have that quality! All her clothes were extra conservative, and they made her look like grandma. They were just too lifeless with no character. She got up from bed and put the light on and began her search amongst her clothes which were hanging on a metal rack her mother had put in there, since she did not have a closet, and since her room, in fact, was a closet. She searched to find something decent that had a small touch of enticement in it. All her dresses that she loved before, now seemed to her boring, out of style, color, and allurement. The unsuccessful search took a long time. She even tried to mix and match something; however, she went back to bed disappointed and decided not to worry about it. "Saeid loves me for my mind and what he has seen in me not my clothes."
In the morning, after, all, she was herself, natural. She chose a dress with her eyes closed. It happened to be a yellow color dress, her favorite color, with jewel neck, short sleeves, full skirt, and a self made belt. She left home before everyone woke up. She did not want to answer the rain of questions would come her way. In the taxi, she looked at the familiar streets which now looked strange to her; while picturing and practicing the scene of their visit at the airport. He would probably be surprised to see her. He would perhaps feel good about it since her presence there would mean a positive sign. He would possibly think that Behroz had smoothed the path. Suddenly a thought made her to shiver. "What if his parents are there, too! Oh, I want that moment only for me." She frowned slightly. "I hide so his parents wouldn't be able to see me."
At the airport she looked at her watch. She did not know what to do in two hours before his plane would land. Looking at sad and happy faces of people who were leaving or arriving, separating or reuniting brought her a frivolity that she did not know any cure for it. The ambiance of sorrow, laughter, running children, wandering adults, and morning sun rays were beyond her apprehension. Drowning in her thoughts, she was not sure if she would stay or leave, she would face Saied or forget about all these and would tackle her goals. Sitting on a chair next to the big window, she felt the warmth of morning sun inside her body and a numbness ran in her that she was not familiar with its sensation. Closing her eyes, she felt that ecstasy inside her. It was a new, unknown tingling which took her to a room with large windows and red curtains. A queen size bed in the middle was covered with pink satin sheets which shined like glass. There, she was naked next to Saeid, who was kissing her lips. How expert he was. His kiss was deep and unforgivable. His hands searched all over her body as gently as he could do it. He was the first man who had ever touched her; and she found herself reciprocating. It was a fight without violence, a great commotion. Suddenly she mischievously dropped her defense and by doing that she made it possible for him to take away what she had learned to treasure the most, her virginity. Her shield was demolished by the irresistible curiosity to know what love making was all about and how it affected people. A restless fluid combined with blood was coming out of her while she was staring at their naked bodies. He peacefully and gently kissing her all over so she would not break like a glass. Quivering of that new, blissful experience, she opened her eyes and found herself in the airport terminal. An unbecoming pleasure made her to go to the rest room, and there she saw her wet under clothes for the thrill she had had in her dream. In front of the mirror, she noticed her red, feverish eyes; and then she knew why couples were staying together.
To Be Continued
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