Opening the windows, she tries to air her apartment. She needs to breathe the fresh air not the artificial one. As she still carries an illusion of her nightmare combined with a warm feeling of an unexpected deviation, she roams with her pajamas on in the rooms thinking about what will she do with Farhad. She is terrified to give in to her son's unreasonable and uncommon way of life for her. The day of lifting all the mystifying unclarity has come to her. To give up this new her seems unfair and inhumane; nevertheless, to ignore Farhad's demand frightens her of losing him. Consequently, she comes to believe that with all the unusual and daring things she has done in her life, she is and has been a timid person who lets close people around her use her. Now that the reckoning day of her life has arrived, and her hesitation has ended, she must solve this major problem. How can she open this twisted knot? How can she ignore this part of her, Farhad, whom she loves so much? While in her thoughts, she gradually softens and feels if she did not have freedom and friends before, she can live without them now, an exasperated anguish fills her and she breaks into a hysterical cry.
When two nights ago she was with Mario, for the first time she felt young and vivid. It was a new experience that felt good. When they stood by the lake, in silence, she explored intensely that new gratification. She liked the respect Mario had for her and she for him. She did not want that night to end while their minds were occupied by that mutual understanding. Now, today, she is miserable. She has missed work, and she does not know how to face her son in the afternoon. Exhaustion is what she senses the most.
When she finally stops walking in her small apartment, she makes herself comfortable in her favorite place on the sofa with her ashtray and cup of coffee and decides to write a poem. In past, writing has always relaxed her and has taken her away from problems. She writes:
"Tears and laughter tire me.
And people who cry or laugh to be free.
And everything which may happen as surprise.
And men who plant or get up at sunrise.
I am weary of hours, days, and abyss.
And all the scattered buds never see the bliss.
I am tired of ambition, power and charm.
And everything else but sleeping without alarm.
When I exhale, my breath becomes a dark cloud.
It stands like an adamant wall, forgets the crowd.
Should one's breath be what mine is,
Do I need friends for any ease?"
~
Searching for an answer to this new problem, Hana travels to past to ask a man of wisdom, a man whose words had always been the ultimate enlightenment not only for his family but for the entire community, a man of insight and solution. That sacred man never passed any judgment as other did; and treated people with respect and equality; for he worshipped the life and living things like humans, animals, plants, trees, and everything else that needed growth and nurturing. Hana conjures up those days to be with that man, talk to him, feel him, and love him once again, for he was a living God on earth for her.
To Be Continued
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