To Anna, Stacy was remarkable. The feeling she had for Stacy was beyond two friends who were studying the same thing, going to same college, working in a same hospital, and sharing the same roof. To Anna, Stacy was daring, straight forward, and she was a person who in the course of conversation, understood, created, changed, and changed others; and above all, she had impression, her eyes had impression. To her, Stacy was not only a dear friend, but she was also like a sister, and a blood relative. Anna knew if Stacy insisted her to stay in America, mostly was that she did not want to lose a good friend, and somewhat she wanted to unite her brother in marriage so they could become family. Even though there was some selfishness in Stacy's hidden effort to keep Anna in America, Anna recognized that all human had some degree of egoism, even the ones that were honorable and moral like Stacy.
The truth was that Anna, knowing how conditioned her life was, could sense the fragment on her unruly soul, smearing against all her internal body; and the world around her, her family, her life, Stacy, and even Steve had become painfully so dear to her suddenly. But to choose one over the other was painful. Her twofold feelings was despondent, like a bad dream that one fears to dream anew; and to run away from that dream to reality was a restricted getaway, for the dream stayed without consideration. She was faced by people who tried to brush away her doubtfulness and pain.
She was certain that Stacy's concern was for her well being; nonetheless, Stacy did not know how exhaustingly difficult was for her to reveal herself. She wished she could find the perfect words to to express herself to Stacy, seeing her worriment. Because of the respect she had for Stacy, she could not tell her lies, which neither of them accept it anyway.
All her life, Anna resented other people's intrusion in her decision making, but now making a decision was like climbing Mount Everest. She wished she was still a child so someone else could do it for her, or order her to do certain things; but she was not a child anymore. Religion was out of question, nonetheless, she wished she was religious so God would inject an answer into her veins like a sudden storm. She had been to church with Stacy a few times, where she had seen people had left the church with the same pain before they entered there. Those silent faces, who had come to the house of God with their sunken bodies in pain and despair, now were haunting Anna's vision with exasperation.
They had confusing series of sleepless nights. Anna's ambiguity and insomnia affected Stacy's sleep pattern, too. Their midnight conversation always started with Anna saying. "What if?" Her bewilderment smashed all the hopes, and accepting reality brought her a numbness. In fact, she was somewhere out of herself, looking at the magic of her ordinary life. However, in one of these sleepiness nights, a casual suggestion of Stacy brought her a sudden light. Unexpectedly everything came to clarification. She need to buy some more time, that precious element in her life. It was an excuse that her parents could not object it and would give her some time to think about what she wanted to do.
To Be Continued
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