In her apartment, Anna sat next to the window and looked at the street, lights, trees, clouds, and outline of the horizon. As cloud moved, she noticed their formation changed. They became animals, humans, lights, trees, and gradually it was darkness, an absolute darkness.
*
All that formed in Anna on the justification of the past was no longer in harmonious completeness with that structure. Her mission, her value, her significant, her massage, and her intention did not depend on those anymore.
Joseph's speech did not glide like a river, as it did before; therefore, it could not take her along. Only when the darkness fell, should she understood that he survived one more day. The doctors' predictions of six months to one year were wrong. It was passed a year since he had been diagnosed with cancer. He was still breathing, but only breathing. He was not able anymore to do the occasional walking or ardent talking. His doctors wanted him in hospital or nursing home; and Anna's insistence for taking care of him at home was agonizing and irritating to all his doctors. Being a nurse, she could understand Jopseph's point of view and she could not in any way go against what her beloved husband's wish was; to stay home.
She brought the doctor's opinion to his attention; but he, even in his absolute weakness would suddenly find a last strand of energy to disagree with the doctors.
"No, I want to be here. Ask them if they can save me, then I go to hospital. If their answer is no, tell them to go to hell."
Anna told his doctor the exact words of Joseph. Dr. T. said:
"He is not in a position to make decision for himself. It is up to you. How can you live with yourself for keeping him at home?"
"He hasn't lost his mind. It is up to him not mine. However I understand your point. That is what he wants. I can not and will not go against his wish. Would you want to die in hospital or home, Dr.T.? Answer me."
Dr. T. had nothing to say. His silence gave her courage to bring up another shocking issue:
"Dr. T., can you speed up his death? I hate to see him suffer so much." She did not tell the doctor that this was actually Joseph's last wish. The doctor looked shocked. With total amazement he said:
"You're quite a woman; but you know I can't. You've been in medical world yourself. You know I can't. It's against law. I wish I could."
Anna's face wreathed in a bitter smile.
"I understand. But thanks for your empathy anyway."
Nothing is inevitable but death, but is it? Anna's thoughts no more occupied by her own emotions. She tried very hard to be Joseph, to feel what he felt, and to suffer his pain. What she discovered was unbearable. She suffered the greatest pain of all by that discovery. The grand myth that thought always changes, the game that humans life is forced for change, the symbols like tears, laughter, joy, that Aristotelian hysteria of awe and beatitude, as dreams are essential to humans, were not any longer her philosophical viewpoint.
There was a simple issue, a very simple issue that all human in all walks of life had faced, as historians said, as scientists said- a death, a dying; but this one was close to her, to her soul, to everything she believed. She saw his suffering, his melting away, his disappearance. She wanted to comply with his wish to end that suffering sooner than the appointed time, but could she? What about the law of nature, law of the God, if there was one? Could she speed up the unavoidable and end the affliction of a man she loved and admired? Could she? What would those laws do to her then? Nonetheless this was what he wanted and she believed it was the right thing to do. She thought aloud:
"I don't care what happens to me afterwards. I perhaps learn how to cry, my very own first cry."
To be continued
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