Chapter Eleven, Strange World

I would ascertain keenly
The trace of unseen madness
In the folds of his immobile face.
In his eyes that showed only emptiness.

I wanted to open all doors,
So the wind would blow through his hair.
I would fake that the sky was blue.
In and out, everywhere, I stare.

Then I laughed at my own vision.
I could stop it, if I had only known
That there was a coast laid behind the doors;
And there were many who felt alone.

Everything white, and you were pale.
You were dressed in white, standing in dark.
And avidly should I see
Your slender, transparent body in spark.

Then we saw together
All beauties such as sky and man;
which were mirrored in our eyes.
We had no way out of that predestined plan.

How strange that in this world
I only saw you, heard your song;
But you were not a song, you were a man;
A rejected man, I got it all wrong.

The light that reflected from you!
What an obscuring light,
Which slowly rose like a wing,
And burned me completely in fright.

*
Aria lived in a dream that occurrence would transfigure, that the one who had left him, would somehow perceive and return, and the one who had abandoned him would come through the door with smile and embraces. Nonetheless, since none of those happened, he became more depressed and hopeless than ever. He did not look at himself or comprehend himself. He did not appreciate the essence of his life. He just could not find a solution for his exclusive and tragic problems.
He lived in a way as though he was not hearing or seeing the passing of time and thinking in his frenzied mind, that Rosy would enter the door one day. He blamed himself for everything. He was frightened that his chaotic, mad story, fundamentally had neither sense nor an end, would start anew. If he could only terminate that hellish turning inside himself, if he could only actualize the life afresh; he might have a better understanding of his surroundings; but he could not because it was more than his ability and because his acceptance was weak and shaky.
He stood vacant without making any decision and trembled at the visions that future might bring him. He had already been pushed away from the past with a great force, a force that he had no power over it.
*
Malnutrition and consuming excessive alcohol was the cause of his death; or that was how it was said to Anna. She did not know what to do- let all these slowly dissipate, be silent, or cry. Never had she been in a situation that she did not understand it. It was like a tall, brick wall that she could not see through it because there was no hole in it, or climb it, or break it. She felt like a small dirt standing in front of that unhearing wall and screaming for help. But no one could hear her. That wall was tall, thick and not climbable. She was seized by a sensation that she had never experienced before. The sensation was that the whole population of the world had died and she was in captivity at the bottom of that wall. Her cry would not reach any ear, for there were no living ears, and for the wall was too tall and too thick. However, within the ascertained extremity of that inauspicious death, she exhaustively felt an obligation, a power and will to take action. That inward volition gradually became so forceful that she thought it might drawn her in his storm.
Shahzdeh came three days after Anna'a hysterical call. He looked bent and vulnerable. Anna never knew how old her father was; nonetheless, that day, that hot August day, he was old. She held her father tightly while shaking and cried on his shoulder. He cried, too; something nobody had ever seen. Now his only living child, his daughter was his anchor. When she asked her father a question that had nothing to do with the tragic circumstance, Shahzdeh was deeply moved.
"How old are you father?"
"Fifty, why are you asking?"
"I don't know. You look so old!"
Shahzdeh said nothing.
"I am afraid to lose you, to lose everybody I love. Life is cruel, dad. I am very scared." She was telling her deepest feeling to her dad, to whom at one point she did not trust. She was falling in love with her father all over again.
The legal work of taking the dead body of Aria home to Iran took about a week and half. Anna could not let her father go through this all alone; therefore, she decided to go to Iran with her father and the body of her brother for funeral.
"Are you sure you want to go?"
"Yes, dad I am sure."
However, a day before leaving, Anna decided to give a surprising visit to her brother's doctor/therapist. Shahzdeh thought: "What is the sense?" But he did not contradict his daughter. He accompanied her. In the doctor's office, she was asked to wait, but she did not. She walked straight to doctor's office, opened the door and went in. He had a patient, a young woman.
"Will you please wait outside. I'll be with you shortly." He said.
"No, you told me my brother was doing better. What kind of doctor are you? Why didn't you detect anything? Why didn't you hospitalize him? He is dead, do you know. You're a murderer." Anna cried hysterically.
"I'm so sorry. I know." Then he turned to his patient: "Will you excuse me for a minute and wait outside."
"That is not necessary. What do you want to tell me that I already don't know? You made a mistake. How many more mistakes have you made so far?" Anna said and then left the room.
*