"Are you all right? Let's go inside."
Hana as though waking up from a nightmare, shakes all over.
"How did it go?" She babbles.
"Very well. Sam is a very intelligent and sensitive young man. We had a good talk."
"Tell me, what did you talk about?"
"I tell you later. Let's go inside."
Inside the restaurant, Hana finds her son as normal as he can be. She thinks about Mario's words, "we had a good talk".
The rest of the day no one talks about the upcoming wedding, as though it is not going to happen. Sam, as always is emotionless or better yet is hiding his motions. No one can tell how he feels or thinks. He acts normal, talks normal and treats Mario as though he knows him all his life. That makes it even much harder for Hana to know how her son is handling the news of her marriage or the mobilization of his unit. How can you deal with a person that expertly hide his emotions? However, Sam shows them places that soldiers gather on their days off. Mario and Sam mostly talk about Military and politics. Mario tells him about the time he was in Iran and some Middle Eastern countries. Sam questions him the reason for being on those part of the world. Again she can not guess if her son is against Mario for work he has done on those areas of the world, or admires him for it. At the end of their visits, Hana realizes that her son has spoken to Mario more than her; and she has no idea how he feels even though she has raised him. As they drive Sam back to the Fort, Hana begs Sam to sit next to her in the back of the car. Sam looks at this devoted woman and feels the same need for closeness and touch.
As Mario drives, in the back seat, mother and son hold each other's hands and slowly and gradually Sam puts his head on her shoulder. This is the first, Hana thinks, the first that her son has shown anything all day. She, with a motherly love, caresses his black hair which is cut very short and kisses his forehead. Sam does not resist since he knows how much they both miss each other. Mario occasionally looks at them through the rear view mirror and with his silence let them enjoy each other's company. As the Fort Hood appears from far, Hana shivers. Her emotional outburst is about to chock her and with difficultly she controls herself. Sam feels not only his mother's twitching nerves, he, himself, shudders for the first time. He wishes he has never joined the army but he is not about to say that to his mother. He has this mixed emotions of being proud to serve his adopted country and to tell his mother to be proud, too, and completely the opposite emotion of why he has joined the Army. As he screams inside with his speaking mind, "please take me home with you", Mario stops the car and gets out. Mother and son hold each other for awhile, as the dying sun in far horizon disappears completely, and the fired orange sky turns blue and purple before the dark of night spreads its canopy on earth.
"I have to go mom." His manly voice is shaking.
"I love you Sam. Are you still mad at me?"
"No, mom, I am very happy for you. Mario is a very good man. You deserve that. Hopefully I'll be at the wedding."
"Do you mean it Sam? I need to know. I won't marry him if it upsets you!"
"Mom, stop this. I mean it, really. He is a very nice man. I truly like him."
"I love you Sam."
As Sam vanishes in the whirl of the moment in front of Hana's eyes, she finally breaks into a cry. Mario walks for a while and allows her to cry. He does not believe to stop people of crying. In fact, he wishes he could have cried when his wife died and when his daughter moved away. He believes that God has given humans tear ducks for crying which most of the time is very therapeutic. He wonders why men do not use this way of discharging their melancholies more often.
Back in town, when Mario suggests that they go to Austin for that night and stay in a good hotel and perhaps go to San Antonio the next day, Hana is outrageous.
"No, no, I want to go home."
"I know you're very upset. My suggestion is only for making you to feel better. San Antonio is a very beautiful city. I like to show it to you. It will help you to feel better."
"No, Mario, I know your intention is honorable but I want to go home."
Around midnight, when they are back in Dallas, he does not dare to ask her for staying over her place. As worried as he is for her, he understands that she wants to be alone. In fact, he does not blame her for being sad, anxious, or bitter. He would be, too. He knows very well how dirty war is; and as he drives away from her apartment, he prays for the safety of all the soldiers specially Sam.
Hana, exhausted of all her flowing and suppressed emotions, mixes a vodka drink for herself with orange juice and sits at her favorite place on the sofa, where she smokes and drinks all night. Something she has never done is drinking when she is depressed, but this depression is above and beyond everything else she has ever faced. She is worried to death for her son's going to Persian Gulf, as Mario finally said to her in the car the great possibility of it. As she begins writing her thoughts, as she normally does, her mind slowly sways back and forth to the unknown future and her past:
"Dear self, close the door, for I no more
Desire to say hello, goodbye, or ignore.
A little part of night is still intact.
A nocturnal song is echoed in abstract.
And glow worm in its hidden place
Twinkles to a shore laid in space.
Same as my cloudy room's light
Which glistens on the window's height.
The image of its burning, promising eyes,
Sparkles in this dark house of whys."
When the alcohol begins affecting her ability to write, she stubbornly writes more so she can feel even worse:
"I walked on the hot asphalt as a young teen.
It was summer afternoon, rays were seen.
A piece of bread fell on the dirt.
It was in a beggar's hand, I saw his hurt.
His empty eyes pierce me like a lance.
I melted in the heat of that glance."
She suddenly remembers that beggar, whom his dry bread broke by falling. She shudders of fear; nonetheless, she goes to the kitchen and makes another drink, this time almost all vodka and a little juice. She returns to her seat and writes more:
"The color of autumn and shade of summer, never
Change my abstraction, they're the same to me."
She looks at her writings with her misty eyes, and then crumbles the papers and throws them around. Like a flash she tares another piece of paper from her notebook and writes:
"Immense wind whips every tree,
Sweeps back and forth the torrent of rain.
Branches crash down in dark bosom to free.
Dazzling power of slashing blast howls in plane.
And here we share a profound woe;
A provocative presence no one can bear.
And here we deliver a magic, a show,
For being human with a sympathizing tear."
She crumbles this piece of paper, too, and throws it out in space. Then she conjures up her home land, family, and especially her mother. In the darkness of her soul, she screams loudly:
"Mom, mother, where are you? I need you!"
To Be Continued
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