Hana does not know how to tell Mario about her new decision of postponing their wedding to another time. In a conversation with Valery, her friend tells her that she must get hold of herself and do not make every one's life miserable. Valery tells her:
You can never find a man like Mario. I am not saying this because he is my cousin. You know it yourself."
Of course Hana knows it herself. She is truly in love with him; she respects him, she has so much in common with him. She knows all of that. She knows that she will disappoint her son, Farhad; but she just can not go through this supposedly joyful event because she feels that it is not fair to Mario to marry a woman with moods that swings up and down constantly and forcefully. She hates herself for this, but she is so depressed that her thoughts are on nothing but Sam. Sam all the time! She breathes Sam, lives for his safe return. She is also not sure if Sam has really approved this marriage. She is confused, doubtful. She wants to hear Sam says that he authorizes this, that he likes this, that it is good for his mother to do this, as her other son, Farhad, has done. She has not heard any of these from Sam. He has never had a chance to know Mario the way Farhad has. No matter what everyone says, even Valery's sarcastic remark that by not marrying Mario, she would be the loser not him, she still is not sure of anything. She thinks that perhaps Valery is right; nonetheless, she feels what she feels and she can not do anything about it. Finally one evening, when Mario is on a short trip for business, and Farhad and Sylvie are at her apartment, she talks to them about her feelings.
After the normal surprise and negative comments by Farhad and her fiance, when Hana is able to prove it to them that she could never find out how Sam felt about this, finally Farhad says:
"All right, mom! I don't like what you're doing, but I understand. Mario is a very sensitive and understanding man. He definitely gets hurt by this, yet he will recognize your confusion and your decision. I just hope you don't lose him because of this."
Sylvie agrees with Farhad. "Hana, if I may say, Mario has been very patient with you!"
Hana is somehow offended by what she hears. She thinks if Mario loves her enough, she will never lose him.
"So what if I lose him? If he leaves me because I want to wait for my son's safe return home and his approval, than he is not that good that you claim him to be."
Farhad and Sylvie thinks about what Hana says and without telling her, they agree with her even though a minute before they were thinking that she is a pain for any man.
Mario is back from his short trip on Saturday. He comes straight to Hana's home. After their normal talk about Sam and his trip, Mario, who has noticed a change in her right away, says in a very gentle way:
"What is sweetheart? What is bothering you? You have something in mind. Do you wan to tell me? Has anything happened while I was gone?"
There is deafening silence for a while which seems to Mario as a long time. He is guessing what the issue is. He is knowing it for a while, but he has hoped beyond hope that it is not true. When finally she starts talking, he feels certain exactly how the conversation will go.
"I was thinking..."
She can not finish what she wanted to say. He comes to her help:
"Do you want to postpone the wedding?"
"How do you know what I wanted to tell you?"
"I know you sweetheart. Actually I was thinking about it myself." He lies to make her feel better. Then he continues:
"You're absolutely right. I don't think it is right for us to marry if Sam is not back. Let's postpone the wedding. Let's say if Sam is back before Valentine's day, perhaps we have a small ceremony and get married, if not, then we wait until he comes back."
Hana is very thankful to this angel of man; however she never tells him about her apprehension of getting married at all.
As Hana is glued to the television every evening, watching the news of the war, she wants to be left alone. The fact that every evening Farhad, Sylvie and Mario are there, is driving her crazy. Their presence, specially Mario's recently bothers her. She wishes that they stay at their home and leave her abandoned. When it comes to Mario, she desires that may be she can find some fault in him so she can get rid of him; but this man is perfect, he is receptive, bright, kind, understanding, and he loves her dearly. She knows that she loves him, too; nevertheless, she does not like the game of girlfriend and boyfriend and she definitely does not want to get married. She thinks that people do change their mind. So what if she has changed her mind, too. But how can she tell him that this moment belongs to her and she does not want to share it with anybody. May be in future she changes her mind. But would he go for that. Would he be available when she runs back to him. People may call her crazy, but she feels what she feels and there is no argument about it.
When one day she tells Farhad about her feelings, he does call her crazy.
"Mom, you must be out of your mind. Do you want to live all alone for the rest of your life and wither like a crumbled paper? I have a suggestion for you, why don't you get a dog so when you're very old, you can have a companion!"
Therefore, after she hears almost insulting words of her son, she decides to keep her morbid thoughts for herself and tries to antagonize Mario by her behavior. "Maybe he leaves me so I don't have to tell him how I feel!" And how does she feel? She is in love with a man that she would give her life to if necessary, but she does not want to be with him! Strange!
But he does not leave. He stays by her side kinder and more loving than ever. Ironically when one evening Mario can not be with her because of a meeting he must attend, Hana feels miserable and desperate and wants him hopelessly. She wonders about all these mixed emotions. "Farhad is right. I'm losing my mind."
{/}
To Be Continued
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