Twenty Seven, Leaving

I lived with people since I was afraid.
But no sign of nourishment was anywhere laid.
Then, internally, I hid from them, I paid
A price like storm, or fire when it's red.
*
The mystery of life was unknown.
Many questions I asked remained my own.
In the light of road, my path was shown.
I chose a new path, held on to times alone.
*
I was colored by life, he lost color by sun.
He was born afresh, I gained none.
We both flew high, then became one.
The paradise was not perfect, neither of us won.
*
Steve's spirit was everywhere. At the beginning it had haunted Anna in an excruciating way, but as time passed, it seemed to her that if she had lost his physical existence, she had gained his soul instead. Those who knew her struggled to determine her state of mind. To some she was like a ghost, to others, she was like a person who loved to feed in sorrow. The death of her husband had directed her mind to things that she was not familiar to them. Where she stood in the society did not worry her anymore. She had nothing else to lose.
Steve's image continuously flashed in her mind; but as more time passed, it was like fragments of her savage and wild dreams. She felt mute, paralyzed, and fractured by this unfair destiny. She felt trapped by this unjust play of God. Her parents' unconditional love seemed too much, too little; and she wondered when would they go back and leave her alone with her miseries. She felt entombed in the hard shell of her life. There was no escape, no turning back, no running away; and even if there was a way, she had no strength to see or use it. She refused to get professional help which everybody in both side of the families were suggesting. That recommendation was driving her more to insanity.
Her parents wanted her to go to Iran with them even if it was temporary. Anna could not imagine living with them even though she loved them beyond belief, especially her father. She wanted to have a complete solitary life. She just could not stand any one's company.
The continuous investigation and also her status as Steve's only beneficiary were logical reason for her parents to agree for her to stay where she was. Her father wanted his wife, Anna's mom, to stay with her for a while, but Anna knew that was not something that her mother really wanted it, or something that she was thrilled about it. Besides without her mother at home, her father would have been too lonely. She did not like the old look of her father. She blamed herself for his aging. First the death of her brother and now her situation had made her father to age so unbelievably. They finally left after a month; they had to. By then, to them Anna seemed much better. She promised them to go back to school if not in summer, most definitely in fall semester. There was so much legal thing for her to take care of.
By the end of Summer, six months after Steve's death, FBI and police closed the investigation and put it in the files of unsolved crimes, somewhere in the back burner to collect dust. They had no clue, no finger print, nothing. Anna knew from the beginning that this would happen- mystery, murder without any evidence, or whatever they wanted to call it. By then, she was also given Steve's survival benefit. If she would never marry again, she would get that money as long as she lived. Her immigration lawyer also informed her that her Green Card would soon be in her hand.
Gradually she began to understand why Stacy continued living a normal life. She remembered herself after Aria's death. She had also had taken her normal life, so she thought since the image of her dead brother was always in her mind. Nonetheless, their relationship, Stacy's and Anna's, started to deteriorate. Anna was not sure of the reason; was it her endless mourning or Stacy's uncouth remarks that ended their friendship.
She remembered the day Stacy was visiting her about a month ago. Then, she had told Stacy that all the legal matters Had been solved and she would get a check every month. She noticed that Stacy's eyes widened as she sighed. "Not a bad deal. You don't have to work for the rest of your life. You have Steve's check and when your father dies, you have all his, too, not a bad deal at all!"
Anna was so hurt by her friend's sarcastic remark that she did not know how to answer her. "I don't believe you said that."
Almost not noticeably, the long, deep friendship began to fade away. At first Anna had a hard time to accept it, but Stacy showed nothing to her that indicated of their friendship. She was just so envious to Anna's situation that she could not pause for a moment and think how Anna's life for ever had changed. What had been love between two friends slowly changed to habit. What had been trust and finding comfort in each other's company, changed to rivalry. Anna heard through grapevines that Stacy was telling their mutual friends that Anna got a good award for one month marriage. She recalled the time that both friends had eased the stress of the other; but now it was only a light switch that she could only turn it off. All good and bad things they shared suddenly withdrew to survive and live. Most likely they had lost their significance.

To Be Continued