Thirty Five, Transformation

Neither mystery untangles itself in hate,
Nor It rebounds for having fate.
Like obstructed ashes that listen
To the sparkles which without doubt glisten.
*
In that vast void, only the rocks got
Endurance that we want and have not.
But we say no word, hear no what.
And only dust rises after us about.
*
Be insane but also look at the sun.
Not like a drunken, who's got none.
Should you transform, don't be pain.
Be an ocean, a love, or just a rain.
*
The sky looked as collections of all Anna loved in this world. Abandoned by destiny, her story of how she got there would be told. She would be saved by her own energy and will power. Her journey had not been an ordinary one, for she had traveled in this journey with a great importance. Wasn't that how America constructed, immigrants like her and the ones before her?
The ideas she had had for her life, now were not harmonious with her senses. They rebelled against each other. But the ideas were true without any defiance. She had gone a long way heedless. Now she knew that she had climbed the road of a translucent and flawless inner nature of all things.
The grievance of this final savagery was too immense that instead of scolding herself, she simply listened to Mary and went to see Melisa, the therapist, for the first time. Melisa knew immediately that she was not dealing with an ordinary woman; therefore she needed her patent's help in order to help her unresolved anger. After some routine talk which included a summation of Anna's life Melisa asked her; "How do you feel now?"
Anna withdrew first; and then she went to a deep thinking. "How did she feel?" Her answer esoteric and startled Melisa:
"Defeated."
"What do you mean?"
"I have used many words for what I've gone through, but the true word that I have never used is defeated. I am defeated by all I had hoped for or wanted. I thought if I live within my imagination and the memory of all I loved, I would become one of them, or at least I would feel what they felt at their last moments; but it didn't happen that way." Anna stopped talking abruptly.
Melisa looked at her, she wanted her to talk more in this first visit. "Go on."
"Can I read you a poem I wrote first?" And then without waiting for her answer, she took a piece of paper from her purse and read:
"Should be lost who I loved in crowd
"My eyes would rain with cloud.
"Should I find my lost ones on time
"I would enchant a poem with rhyme.
"When I was married, you know, it lasted only one month, I thought that life with Steve was an ongoing, permanent looking forward, better years, children, and growing old together. Losing him like that, at the moment that our lives together were just beginning, was very unendurable for me." She exhaled a big sigh from her mouth.
Her sadness weighted upon Melisa and they both stayed silent for awhile. Then Anna breathed heavily. She actually felt alleviation for talking to someone for the first time about true happening of her life.
"You know I insisted on coming to America. I followed my brother, whom I loved more than life. Then I hated my father because he did not want me to go and because he wanted me to marry whom he had chosen for me. But I rebelled against everything, my parents, my culture, my one time fiance, everything. Here, I think, when I came, I won the love of everyone around me, especially Stacy, whom I miss so much and I still love her like a sister."
"Who is Stacy?"
"She was my college roommate. She was Steve's sister, too. She introduced me to her brother. But after Steve's death, I thought by leaving Washington for ever, I didn't have to bear the sight of that city anymore. Stacy and I grew apart mostly because of her uncouth comment about Steve's salary; and then Steve parents sued me for his survival benefit; that is mostly why I left Washington without even saying goodbye to her or her parents. I just packed my suitcase one day after getting rid of everything and drove to Dallas."
"Why Dallas?"
"I don't know. I wanted to go as far as I could. Someone had told me about Dallas; and this city had left an impression on me. I thought I would be lost in this big city and no one would ever know about me. Then I hoped that solitude would give me strength to master my grief and anger." She stopped. The echo of her own voice overwhelmed her and she hid her face with her hands and cried.
Do you still want to talk?"
"I like to; but I am making you sad."
"No, you're not. This is my job to listen to you. Besides you are very interesting woman."
"You mean you feel nothing of what I am telling you. You're just doing your job!"
Melisa seemed astounded. "Of course I feel for you; but just like you that will not allow your emotion gets in your way of you doing your job, I can't let my emotion get the upper hand. That way I can't do my job, as you can't do your job."
"What kind of advice can you give me? I am alive, am I not? I am here.!"
"That's right. I admire you. What you've gone through can drive anyone to madness? But it seems to me by just talking to you for a short while, that you have always solved all problems that came your way, and moved on. You're a well educated, amazing woman. Mary told me that almost all your salary still goes to children charity."
"that is true. I've been in state of madness many times, but always something from inside made me bounce back. It's good to talk to someone without holding back. Even Mary doesn't know how Steve or my brother died. It's so refreshing to tell it to someone."
"You mean you haven't told anyone about all these."
"I have no friends except Mary. She is not like Stacy, even though she can be. No, even Mary doesn't know the truth about many things in my life."
"Don't you think it's time for you to socialize more? There are some support group that you can join and ..."
"No, no, I don't like that kind of therapy. I like one and one." Anna interrupted Melisa.
"What I said is not therapy. You get to meet people that have suffered like you. You get to listen to them and if you want you can talk and tell them about you. So I assume that you don't socialize or even date!"
"No,"
"When is the last time you've been with a man, I mean dated a man?"
"Never, I haven't. After Steve's death, I've never seen a man the way you mean."
"How many years?"
"Over twenty years now."
"Don't you have any feeling for men?'
"I am not sure."
"Do you dream about Steve or any man; I mean intimate dreams?"
"Sometimes, only about Steve,"
"Well, I think for today is enough, but I have an assignment for you."
"What, Am I back at school again?"
"No, you're not back at school again. If you don't help yourself, I can't help you. Do you exercise?'
"No, it's boring."
"How about dancing?"
"I like to dance; but I haven't dance since Steve's death."
"You know exercise is the greatest therapy for relieving tension. Since you don't like to exercise, why don't you take some dance classes, or just dance at home."
"Alone!"
"Yes, alone; play a music you like and dance alone; perhaps in front of a mirror. Tell me about it next Wednesday when we see each other again. By the way what kind of music you like?"
"For dancing, disco; for listening, classical." Suddenly she remembered her piano; her playing the piano.
"You know I used to play piano."
"Why and when did you stop?"
"I stopped after Steve's was killed."
Melisa's eyes glistened by the unwanted tears.
"I see you next Wednesday; and then we talk about piano. By the way I liked your poem. It said all about you. I bet it makes you feel good when you write or when you played piano."
"Yes, it does and it did. I see you next Wednesday."
*

To Be Continued