For the last three months, Anna's mother was in the hospice section of the nursing home. What did it mean? She knew what that monstrous word meant but she wanted to translate it in a different way. "No, not end of life, not no hope." There was no light at the end of this dark tunnel for her poor mother; and she hated to admit that she wished a halt for this prolonged misery. She thought about her mother's life and gradually she understood her bitterness when she was not in this desperate condition. Standing behind the window, looking at the wild storm, she investigated her mother's life. She would be forty one years old in a little over a week. Her life was even more vain than her mother's. What was the reason of their lives? Why some people's lives was doomed from the beginning? She did not know the answer.
In her cold, lonely bed, all her past marched in front of her eyes like a passing train. Her swift imagination moved back and forth to pleasant memories and then to the ones she wanted to forget. She remembered that inauspicious morning when she had found Steve drowned in his blood in bed next to her. That vision was so real as if was happening at the present moment. She stretched her hand to touch him, but her hand got wet with his blood. She could see his lifeless body; but his face was hollow. There was no face, no eyes, as though a wild animal had had a feast by ravaging his face.
Then it was Aria's image that tortured her. Oh, God, how much she loved her older brother! Then it came her father's image. If he had been stern towards many people including her mother, he was the best father any girl could wish for. Where was he now? Was all his body transfigured to skeleton? Did the insects ravaged all his flesh by now? She even did not know where he was buried. She had never had the chance to say good-bye to him or to pay her last respect.
After a night of retrospecting, at six in the morning, Anna was warming her car to go to see her mother. Her eyes were red and swollen of not sleeping and crying the entire night. Streets were covered with a sheet of ice. Backing up her car, the tires skidded and she almost hit the car next to hers. Her heart began palpitating. Her mother's new shawl was inside a gift wrapped box on the passenger seat. "I Hope she likes it." She said aloud.
There was no traffic in the streets. It seemed as if the big D was dead. "It is Saturday morning." She thought. It was not raining anymore; but the nature had done its damage. She saw many abandoned cars on the highway, many left over accidents from the early morning commuters. If she could only concentrate on the road, she would make it safely. Over a bridge, her car skidded and she almost hit the concrete medium. The car turned around and faced the opposite direction before she was able to stop it. The workers who were throwing sands on the bridge came to her help. She was so frightened that she did not know how to rescue herself. One of the worker drove her car until it was not on the bridge anymore.
"Be careful. What are you doing out this early Saturday morning?'
"I am going to see my mother." She answered. "Thanks for helping me."
If she could only hold the steering wheel tight and do not push the break suddenly as that worker had told her, she could make it. The twenty minutes drive took her over one hour. She parked the car, picked her mother's gift, and walked into the building. It was seven thirty in the morning.
Inside the building, one of the nurses who knew Anna caught a glimpse of her. The nurse ran after her since Anna was walking so fast. When she finally caught up with Anna, she said: "Did you get our message?"
Anna's heart stopped beating. "What message?"
"We left you a message at six thirty."
"I was on the road coming here. What happened? Is my mom okay?"
"I am sorry. That is why we wanted to contact you. We found her dead this morning. I think she passed early in the morning because I checked on her at three and she was asleep."
Anna could not believe how matter of factly the nurse spoke to her. Her mouth was dry. She felt tears welling up. Her throat was tight. The gift wrapped box of her mother's shawl fell on the floor and she ran to her mother's room. She found her mom in her bed peaceful at last. The color of her face was pink, like a baby; her eyes closed, perhaps resting of a long life of struggle. She had never seen her mother this beautiful. The nurse, who had followed her to the room, handed her the box. She ripped the gift paper from the box and took out the shawl; cast out the blanket on the floor and covered her mother with the shawl. "Mom, I thought you may like this." Tears finally came down in streams. She began combing her mother's white hair; fixing the pillow under her head, and straightening her dress. She took the shawl and wrapped it around her mother's shoulders; picked up the blanket and covered the rest of her body that was not covered with shawl.
The doctor told her that she had died at six in the morning without regaining her consciousness.
"I didn't know that she was unconscious." Anna's eyes pierced the doctor through.
"I assume she was."
*
Anna drove. The sky was blue now. The ice on the road was mostly melted. She drove and drove. She did not know where she was going or running away from. There were some billowy white clouds in the sky. She stopped the car, got out, and walked for awhile. She did not know where she was. Nobody was there. As she stood there, leaning to the concrete shoulder of the highway, wind was blowing her hair. The weather had strangely changed from the twenty of yesterday to upper fifties. She whispered:
"Now I am alone again. I can't even go to my home."
In that moment she knew that imagination meant the savage loneliness, the empty roads with no lights at dusk. She watched a big truck passed by taking with it all her hopes. It passed over a bridge and then it was gone for ever. She looked around. Every direction she looked, there was nothing but horizon. There was not even a bird, a tree, a mountain, a lake, nothing. The only thing there was nothingness. It was only the highway winding to eternity. She felt as though the nature had forsaken her with no friends, no hope, and no place to go.
She remembered her mother's motionless face which showed no sign of living as if she never existed. Getting back into her car, she took a last glimpse of the sky. Somewhere in west sun was in fire. It was the most beautiful picture she had seen. The rays of that orange ball penetrated her existence. She halted for a second. The sky was unbroken, not like her heart; but like a perfect dream. She sighed.
"Tomorrow is a new day!"
To Be Continued
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