As spring neared, Anna felt an unconfined joy and a new hope from her new vitality. She had listened to Melisa's advice and had found great relaxation in Dancing to the disco music. She would dance to the fast disco music for hours until she was completely out of breath, sweaty , and her heart began pounding. But the feeling that followed was what relaxed her more than anything else. After taking a shower, she always felt as though she had an orgasm. Now she understood what Melisa meant by the usefulness of exercise, which was not only good for body but for the mental relaxation.
Feeling the relief of her tension was not enough anymore. She would dream more often now; but not about the tragic happening of her life. Her dreams were now more about intimacy. Every of those dreams would begin by Steve passing his arm gently under her sleeping head, and turning her over; and then it was kisses, all those passionate kisses that she had forgotten about.
She talked to Melisa about her dreams. Melisa told her that it was normal to dream about love making and since Steve was the only man she had ever known in an intimate way, again it was normal to dream about their good time, not that nightmare that she had tolerated for over twenty years of seeing her dead husband in blood.
Besides having a professional relation with Melisa, they turned to become good friends; and hesitantly Anna went places with Melisa, who was also single. In fact she was a nun in her younger age. For some reason, she would not talk about it, she left Catholic church, put herself through school, and became a therapist. She was at least twenty years older than Anna. She was never married, but always had a boyfriend. and had a very active social life. Every time that they went out together, Many men approached Anna for dance or just a simple talk; but this last shell was too hard to break easily.
In May, she went out of town with Melisa to somewhere east. Melisa was visiting her sister in Canton. She said it would take only less than two hours to get there. On the way, they saw the extensive carpets of buds of Bluebonnet, which is named "Texas Flower". It was the most beautiful exhibition of nature Anna had seen. All the blue Bluebonnet moving on the direction of the soft breeze and among the bluebonnet there were some few other color flowers which dancing with the breeze.
"Please stop the car." Anna cried.
They walked on that cherished field which was filled with wild spring flowers amongst the Bluebonnets. Anna thought while trees endured all faces of the nature year around, these flowers, wild or not, only flourished for a short time; and then would die when the hot sun of June or July would penetrate them. She was sadden by her thought; but at least for now, these breathtaking flowers gave her a sense of vitality she seldom knew. She talked to Melisa about her feelings while they were walking.; and then, only then she learned that if the flowers die, their seeds never die, and they come back year after year. They were Texas pride and they would not die. They gave each other a promise to come every year and watch the beautiful nature at work.
At Melisa's sister home, Anna felt at ease right away. In fact, she liked Melisa's sister and her style of living right away. The room was filled with those wild flowers. Even the walls took in the colors of those flowers. Everything was rich in color. The breeze was coming through the open windows and it felt wonderful. They were served fresh homemade lemonade. Melisa's sister was a widow for twenty years. Her children were grown and gone; and she she lived in that house for the last fifty years since she had married her husband. The country living seemed simple, yet fruitful and prolific. Anna yearned that kind of life.
She began thinking about moving out to the country, quitting her job, and dedicating herself to writing, playing music, and even farming. But all these needed plan, credit, and the dedication. She had the credit and the dedication but not the plan. In the next six months beside working and seeing Melisa, she visited many country site around Texas. In hope of finding the perfect place, she kept delaying her goal. Every time the realtor showed her a place, first she loved it, and then she always said:
"What if there is somewhere better than this!?"
Perhaps this was another dream of her that she did not have the courage to bring it to reality; nonetheless, she kept looking.
She would go and visit her mother's grave once a month. There, she was confident that her mother had not left her with the guilt of her death. Now she was free, free of chains. To her, her mother had a freedom to walk towards unknown destination and to feel breeze on her face. She had the freedom to open her arms and run, as she had perhaps done in her childhood; and felt the soft air and the relaxation of her muscles. Nothing could cloud her perception any longer; since freedom for her was luxury and its price was her death.
Sometimes, Anna would drive, gripping tightly the wheel, as other cars sped past her, and felt a mystical magic. Then she would go to places she did not know, little towns with only one small grocery store, and country sites with wild flowers, only to see that she was lost not only in the meaning of losing one's way, but in the meaning of "LOST". She became very sufficient reading road maps, and finding her way back; however she was still LOST. She even learned about short cuts and farm roads; but she was still LOST. But she loved being LOST. She felt in that mental stage, there were nothing of past that could haunt her any longer.
Now, at age forty two, she had finally found happiness in her solitary life. Now she knew that the wind would carry the dust from the graves of the three men she loved from as far as Iran or as close as Washington. She did not need to be there in person to visit dad, Aria, or Steve. She knew all these new revelations had a purpose. And their intent were to disappear swiftly from the violence of mankind according to the law of nature, destiny, the fate of her inborn land, and all her family. The dust now was a pure and welcome dust which smelled like perfume not dead.
*
At that dinner dance, Anna was angry that Melisa had set her up. She had promised to be there, too. Therefore, this was Anna's first attendance in a social gathering by herself. She stood by the exit door, while vacillating to leave or remain. Someone else was standing and feeling as she did. At the moment that she decided to leave, that someone walked to her. He was a man in his fifties, not very attractive. Anna did not know his intention. "Is he coming to me?" She thought. She wanted to get away and at the same time she wanted to stay. That some one, the man in his fifties, reached her and said: "Will you dance with me?"
Anna did not know what was the proper way of saying no. However when she looked at him, she noticed that he had the kindest eyes she had known for the longest time.
"Sure."
To Be Continued
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