It was a July afternoon, a mid summer heat and humidity. Anna noticed that Joseph amazingly had a little color on his face, like a little blush that had painted his sick face. She knew that was sign of nothing. At this point he was all skin and bones. Being a nurse practitioner for so long, she knew all kind of things. He perhaps was using his last energy to talk to her for the last time. But she was fearful; she was horrified by that sight. She knew what that talk would be about. She laid next to him with her hands clasped behind her neck. He was hesitant; nonetheless, he slid his hand under her head. She turned to him.
"I want to make love to you." His voice was barely audible.
She shook all over. She did not want to tell him that he was too weak for love making; or that kind of excitement was too overwhelming for him. He read all these in her eyes.
"I know what you're thinking. I want you to make love to me."
She understood what he meant. She knew this would be the last time. Oh, how much she had yearned their intimacy. She had never done this; to be the aggressor, but she had to, this last time.
They had a gentle, yet fierce passage of love. Both were satisfied. Then she, all alleviated by the suppressed passion and want, stayed next to him in bed, holding his hand. His eyes were fixed on the ceiling.
"If you love me, you help me die!"
Oh, hadn't she heard those words before? When was it? Where was it? She suddenly remembered her last trip to Iran, when her father had a heart attack. Then he had told her: "If you love me you go back." Her father had been afraid for her safety because of the revolution. Was Joseph, her husband afraid for the burden that he was, or was it for ending his own misery? What would happen to her after? He perhaps did not care. Did he really love her? If he did, how could he ask her such thing? Would her father ever request anyone to fall in that kind of trouble to save himself? No, she did not think so. Her father would even put his own life in front of the people whom worked for him to save them. Even though at the end they all betrayed him. Shahzdeh was an honorable man; and he had taught her to be honorable as well. No, Joseph and Shahzdeh were two different men. She got up from bed, stood next to bed, thinking. She thought about going to the den and call for an ambulance. He had lost his authority for his life when he had signed on the dotted line and gave her that authority. Why can't she use it? What is stopping her of doing what was right at that moment? On the other hand, did their marriage and their good years mean nothing to her? Anna bent on the bed, and kissed his lips and walked towards the door to leave the room and make that phone call. She had a set smile on her face that did not match her anguish.
"You're leaving me!" She could hardly hear him.
"I am going to call for an ambulance."
"You promised me never let me die in a hospital." He had a weak voice, yet it sounded authoritarian.
That, she had promised. She stood frozen at the foot of the bed. World was turning around her. She was tired anyway. She could not think about her future anymore.
"Tomorrow morning!"
He smiled.
*
To Be Continued
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