Twenty Nine, Unearthly Sight

If I only had a wing,
I could fly out from this unearthly sight.
If I knew how to sing,
I could enchant a song on the height.
If I only was a king,
I could stop all despicable raving.
If I only had the God's ring,
I could bring green and breeze into spring.
*
But all I knew was wondering.
*
All Anna's attempt to unite with Stacy faced a brick wall. She would not write her back. Anna knew that they did not have what others had for friendship anymore. However, somehow writing to Stacy had become like an addiction. She was positive that Stacy was getting all her letters because none of them returned to her. Somehow she felt obligated to let Stacy know her life and her faithfulness to Steve after five years. But the lack of elements that had constituted their friendship before, now were so powerful that internally she knew that Stacy was right of not writing back to her. However Stacy was the last treads that connected her to Steve because now she was not dreaming or thinking about her dead husband as much as she did before. She was not aware of those absent factors that secretly admitted the inappropriate standards of those lost elements. She never wrote in her letters to Stacy that in last five years, on the anniversary of Steve's death, she had gone to Washington and had visited the cemetery to see him and talk to him and then to bring some of the dirt back to Dallas until the year after. Never on those visits she had seen any of Steve's family there.
Her soul was caught in disdain futilely. Horror and boredom did not weight on her anymore. The monotonous moments of life was too dim to dream about. It was the same when it came to the enlightenment and manifestation of any spirituality which came rarely to her.
After five year, she still wondered who killed Steve and why! That was a question, she knew, she would never know the answer. But even in that unclear uncertainly, she wondered if his plan of leaving CIA, which almost everyone of his colleagues knew about it, had something to do with that tragedy. She also marveled had she not gone through the shock, had she had a normal pregnancy and had a child now, what that would be like! These were the questions she would perhaps never know the answers.
Nonetheless, the short memory of her short marriage, the dynamic of it, helped her to cope and accept the reality as it was not as she wanted to be. She had had many opportunities to date, especially the men, mostly doctors, from her work. But she had lost all it needed for having any desire for the opposite sex, so she thought. Regardless, she was friendly with everyone; and slowly and rarely socialized on special occasions parties hospital held for employees like Christmas, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July, or Labor Day's picnic. Mary, her old friend, Anna called her "my American mother", told her that people called her strange woman; but even Mary did not know her true, tragic story. At this point she was almost finished her schooling and soon she would be a nurse practitioner. Her life was divided between work and school. She had become the president of the children charities she was supporting; therefore that was another thing she spent her time on. She had gone to Iran once, two year ago, on her vacation and spent three weeks there; and her parents had come to see her the first year that she was in Dallas.
This middle aged doctor, short and overweight, who worked often with her, however, was very persistent in pursuing a relationship with her. To Anna, he appeared to be a man of no will power but great determination, trifling energy of opinion and absurd obstinacy, a man of much confidence in himself and confined and restricted intellectuality. Nevertheless, his character had another side to it that it was hidden from others and himself, but not from Anna. His ill-fated stubbornness, his cold and insensible eyes and his indifference in general towards the his patients, the lack of his understanding of himself and others around him, his endless scaring away the people who were around him with a constant eagerness to influence them to his wishes and commands, his spiteful and unfeeling glimpse that did not fool anyone and pierced nowhere, and some disgusting and disguising things that he had done and everyone was aware of them and embarrassed by them, but did talk about them. Anna never had any desire to know about him or learn about all the nasty things he had done; however, when one day she told Mary about how uncomfortable she felt around him and how he had made uncouth remarks to her, Mary warned her to be careful.
"You know his wife left him because she found out that he had many affairs with nurses. They had a nasty divorce. She got the house, the kids, and I don't how much, but a big portion of his income and salary."
Anna nodded her head. "Don't worry. He can't intimidate me. If he insist, I'll complain."
"Anna, it is not my business, but you're a young woman. You need to date and maybe one day get married. I know it is hard for you to get over the death of your husband, but life must go on. I am sure if the spirits could talk, Steve would want you to."
Anna stared at her angrily, showing she had no desire to continue the conversation. Mary and a few more were the only ones that knew about Steve. But Anna never told anyone the truth about Steve's death. However Mary was the only one that could give her some motherly advice, since she did not have her parents there.
"Life is too short, Anna. Did your husband know that he would die of cancer at such young age? You see what I mean? Things happen for reasons that we don't know and we have no control..."
Anna could not stand another word of her friend. Even though she knew Mary's intention for intruding was benevolent, she did not want to hear the lies she had told Mary about the death of Steve.
"Mary, please stop. I don't want to continue this conversation. I have no feelings for men. I am happy the way I am. Please don't ever talk to me about this matter again."

To Be Continued