Twenty Eight, God's Play

There are letters to be sent to known and unknown.
The unknown is our other self, an inside moan.
The known is a stranger you haven't won.
And cries follow the inevitable no one has ever shown.
*
There are fears and sickness you see and face.
The fear in a child's eyes, an absent grace.
The sick detachment of an ambiguous place!
And all you yearn for is some one's embrace.
*
And there are death, tragedy in night and day.
Death because of old age or a savage way!
Death of someone who's never seen sun ray.
Or the other because of God's play.
*
It was freedom again to walk not towards any certain destination or a certain person, but towards an air that did not smell of misery when Anna could feel the breeze, when she could be lost among nameless people; for she was nameless herself there, too. Her apartment in Dallas was located near a Creek. She would walk into the woods and look at the gurgling water which danced wildly over the rocks. Before she learned about the city of Dallas, or the custom of Texans, or her way around the city, she sent a letter to the Williams, apologizing for her sudden disappearance. She had already forgiven them for suing her. In her letter to them, she explained her state of mind, and the urgency to move away. Hoping they would understand all these, she waited for their answer or a phone call, but they never did either of them. After getting the apartment and telephone, she called her parents and told them about the move. First her father was outrageous. He had called her apartment in Washington many times; and each time he had gotten the recording massage that the phone was disconnected. He had called Stacy, and she did not know anything either. "But she told me she is going to Niagara Falls with you!" Stacy was as surprised as he was. When Anna finally called, he was certain that she had done something terrible to herself.
"You didn't say anything to us. Your phone is disconnected. Stacy didn't know anything. Your mother and I were just going out of our minds."
Anna apologized for her behavior. Only then she told her father about Stacy's attitude towards her and Steve parents suing her. She tried to make him understand that under the circumstances how vital and important this move was for her. After half an hour on the phone mostly with her dad and at the end with her mom, when Shahzdeh finally calmed down, he also understood his daughter. He thought what would he have done if he was in her place. He could not believe that Steve's family had done those things to Anna. Now they both were calm on the phone and he realized how his daughter talked in a wise and mature way. He thought of things she had been through at such young age, death of her brother, butchering of her husband in the same bed that she was, and above all her miscarriage.
Anna's next step was to send a forwarding address to CIA and also police and FBI. She told them about her move. In a week she was settled enough to think about her future. What was it that she wanted to do in that big city? Did she just want to be wasted, go to work, or school? Steve's and Aria's shadows haunted her continuously; but now they were only shadows. Mostly she thought about the baby she had lost. That was the greatest grief for her at this point. She missed Stacy terribly, the way she used to be; however, she was not sure if any attempt to unite them again would work. They did not have much of what others had in friendship anymore. They were all lost. It seemed as though all the losses had come to her suddenly and at the same time and when she needed Stacy the most. Nevertheless, hoping to mend the wounds she began writing letters to her:
"Dear Stacy,
"Here, as anywhere else, times moves slowly, yet it passes swiftly. All those years are gone. Now, I look forward to the years to come and to hear a word from you. You are there, I am here; and the only thing that connect us, is the sky, stars, and moon above us. I wonder if you see Jupiter as I see it here, or the Venus, or Mars.
"There are many things we don't understand about ourselves; and there are much unhappiness and miseries because we don't understand many things. When Steve, your brother, my husband was murdered, (did you notice I said your brother first; he was your brother before he was my husband) I felt the entire universe has dropped a big rock on my head. Why me? Why did I have to face such a doomed destiny? What I didn't realize then was that he was as dear to you and your parents as he was to me. Now I can spill out the words that were buried in me. Now those words can come out of my lips to tell you how sorry I am, how sad I am. I didn't lose only my husband and baby, I lost my sister and only friend, too.
"My puzzlement brought me here, to this big city, for I was long wondered. I marveled about many things and in the process, I forgot the purpose of my awe. I felt I no longer could love; but you know, Stacy, now I know the more I stagger, the more I can love.
"I love the children I work with. Did I tell you that I got my nursing license here? Now I work at a children hospital. Now I know the purpose of my life. Everything is clear to me when I look at their sad, sick and sometimes dying eyes. This is the meaning of my life now. You may say why do I need to work? I have a check coming every month from CIA; and I have a rich father. I've already forgiven your parents for suing me. I don't even think about it anymore. You tell them that. Anyway, I work only to help these children. Most of the money I earn from working, I donate it to children charities. I go to their homes, talk to their parents, sometimes only a single mother, occasionally a single father. I try to help them anyway I can and I know.
"In the hospital, let me tell you, there is much misery. I thought my life was doomed. You should see some of these dying children. I say hello to a living child; the next moment there is nothing living in his eyes. They teach me with their eyes, with their sickness, with heir needs; and I teach them with my love. It seems to me that there is no beginning or end to our mutual teaching and learning. They all rotate.
"Write me and tell me about yourself. When are you getting married? How was your Christmas and New Year? You can Imagine how mine was! My twenty first birthday and my first wedding anniversary! I tried not to cry; but as I gazed into the picture of our wedding, the one that he is standing behind me and I am sitting on a chair with my head up, looking into his eyes; you know which one. You have it, too. How could I not cry? Tears washed my face and and went into my mouth and I tasted the salt of my tears. I looked at his eyes, looking lovingly into mine. Oh, God, how I miss him; How I love those eyes. You could see the beauty of his soul and spirit in his eyes, have you ever noticed?
"My intention was not to write about sad feelings but to write you of what I do. Forgive me if I brought any sorrow to you. Please write to me. I'll be very happy if you do. May be even you come for visit.
"Love, Anna"

To Be Continued