...Then the Doctor continued:
"We, three men, ruined your life. Your father because he wanted to act like a young man and enjoy his life with his new young wife. He told me so himself. I know it is not good to talk behind a dead person, but I must take this load, this poisonous knot of my stomach. He said that he was only ashamed of you, that he needed to do something about it. Then it was Mansour; he realized he made a mistake, that Jalal's promises to him was his promises not yours. So he found some one else for himself when he was still married to you, when you were sick and pregnant." He stopped talking at this point, wiped his forehead and dropped his head on his chest.
"What about you? You said we, three men!" Neda finally broke her silence.
"I guess I made everything possible and easy for them. It was just like yesterday that three of us were sitting in this office and talking about you and your baby and drinking vodka and smoking." He began crying again. Neda did not rush him. She was like a detective that had stumbled upon solving an unsolved mystery. She knew that she was finally hearing the long awaited secret. She would give the old doctor all the time he needed to tell her the story. She would not leave that office until she knew everything.
After again the ceremony of taking off his glasses, wiping the tears, and blowing up his nose, the old man said:
"They paid me. Actually your father paid me. Mansour had no money. Your father gave a lot of money to alter everything when your baby was born, from the name of the mother, to making your baby older since Mitra was already four months pregnant. They bought me. I took the money. I ruined your life. Now I'm paying the price. That knot I told you, that poisonous knot , it's Pancreas Cancer, one of the worst. I can't take it anymore. I am certain I end my life before it ends in shame and pain. Yes, I did it..."
Neda stood up, shaking all over, yet managed to walk around the desk. She hugged the old, crying doctor. She was finally able to cry, too.
"If it wasn't you, they would find some other doctor. I know my father could be persuasive!"
The doctor stood up. She never knew how frail he had gotten. She stayed in his bosom for a while and then all of a sudden started laughing:
"So I am going through menopause at thirty seven. Think of it that I am special in every way!"
The doctor laughed, too.
"Neda, you got to take care of yourself. The stress of all these years in my opinion is the cause of this. I'm going to give you some vitamins to take home with you. Promise me to take them. Promise me to take care of yourself."
So that day, the old doctor faced what he was frightened to face for eighteen years. The way Neda had lived her life showed to others that she was not bothered by it. But now he knew that her entire life was affected so drastically because of it. She just had not talked to anyone about it.
The only one person, who knew some what of Neda's distressful life was her friend, Kasra; and that was because he was with her most of the time. The last thing the doctor said before Neda left, was:
"I hope you believe me. I've been suffering all these years for what I've done. I've done searches of my own, too, to find Mansour and his family. But it sounds as though they just have disappeared from earth. But now I know that your agony has been the greater than anyone else!"
"Tell me one more thing. I knew that my father bought you since Mansour had no money. Who was it that made the final decision; was it my father or Mansour, or both? I need to know. I don't think it matters any more. But I must know for my own sanity!"
"I can't talk behind a dead man!"
"That is enough for me. We've been talking behind him for a long time now..."
That was enough and satisfactory answer for Neda to know. "I can't talk behind a dead man!" So it was her father who had planned everything. She wanted to hate her dead father but she could not. The doctor suggested her to see a psychiatrist.
"What are you talking about? How can anyone help me, to unravel the eighteen years of absolute horror and condemning myself? Tell me how! Everyone thinks that I am an unfeeling, vain woman who is only after fame! Nobody knows that I am unfeeling and vain because of my fame!"
After Neda was done with two weeks of check up and finding out about her body and soul, she was again a changed woman. She continued with her work, her art, as her brother called it; she went on with her life, her dog, cat, nephew, brother, Maryam, Kasra and her poetry as usual; but the light and energy were gone from her. They all had disappeared after the death of her father, and the conversation she had had with the old doctor. One day she heard, before reading it in the news paper, that the old doctor had taken his life by hanging himself in his home. She knew this would happen. The last time she saw him, she knew it by looking at him, seeing his crying, and the pain in his stomach. She considered him an Honorable man.
The inevitable end of everything suddenly had confronted her for the first time; even though it was not the first time she had this extreme unhappiness. She did go to the old doctor's funeral; but her reason was mostly was a chance meeting with Mansour.
The word "Menopause" had such an ugly impact on her that she did not pick up pen for weeks to write. The force that had challenged her this time was irresistible and not reversible. What was this compulsory urge she had for death? She not only did not know, she had never even considered doing something about it! She had dared not to contemplate it!
Her family and Kasra, the one who were seeing her almost in daily basis, were extremely worried for her. Why now? She had not told anyone, not even Maryam or her mother that she was gone through menopause.
☉
"Dear self, close the door, for I no more
Desire to say hello, goodbye, or ignore.
A little part of night is still intact.
A nocturnal song is echoed in abstract.
And Glow worm in its hidden place
Twinkles to me and a star in space.
The look of its burning, promising eyes,
Sparkles in this dark house of whys!"
☉
To Be Continued
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