The apocalyptic nature Neda's childhood had been, appeared to be reborn. Father's death had somehow taken the animation, the glow, the meaning of everything. Her life in no way or shape had changed; however, her existence was wearisome, like an old dress that no longer worth wearing it but one kept on holding on it. Her face at that moment was an utter effigy of confusion which she never thought of hiding it.
She bit her lips convulsively, trying to hold back and to even hide from herself, as she would have done it from others the harsh reality, the emotion, the tearing. Now her eyes were brimming with tears.
She let her mind meander to her birth home, to her girlhood; and she tried to find out which spring was different than others in her life! Then she realized that she, herself, her present self was in every way different than her other- self in other springs.
She went home. It was seven in the morning. Kasra questioned her with his eyes. She looked thin, dirty. Her hair was oily. She had the type of hair that needed to be shampooed everyday. Now it was eight days without changing clothes, or bathing, or shampooing her hair, eating proper or enough food, and smoking three times more than normal time, if there would be any normalcy for her at all and ever! She did not speak a word to Kasra. She just went to her room and closed the door. She had not been home but once and only for ten minutes for the last eight days.
She lay on her bed with all her clothes on, shoes and everything. She lay at the top of the bedspread. She brought her knees to her chest. She slept but a few hours. Those hours were troubled and agitated; filled with disturbing dreams. Those dreams felt intangible and escaped her. They left very little impression. She was awakened by something unattainable. But her awakening felt like a renewal and it was done by Kasra, who was trying to make her to wake up. The family needed her for the funeral arrangement and some other things that Kasra was saying and she was not hearing. She finally sat up. The troubled and short sleep was over.
"Find me some black outfit." She told Kasra and then started shedding her clothes off in front of him until she had nothing on. She walked into the shower.Too many emotions had swept through her in that short, flustered sleep, she thought standing under the warm water. She did not comprehend most of it. She told herself: "What am I thinking? I'm just thinking aloud!" She said it to herself. Then she said again:
"Almost all my life, I've thought about father and Ariana. I've spent the long intervening period with people I didn't know, in a society of publishing and promoting and media that I've faintly cared for and hated ; and in a condition I never completely understood. I guess all these have gone by like the memory of my youth..."
To Be continued
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