He covered his face with both hands and sobbed. Everyone was quiet. The only sound was his crying aloud.
"Please, go on." Rosa said as though involuntarily.
"She told me that she would never see me again; and if I try, she would have me arrested. She said that the only thing she would let me do, is to name you, only the first name. She was using her last name for you; that is it. Then she wanted me out of her life and baby's life forever. I named you Rosalina. I was reading a novel then and I had seen that name in that novel. She told me that I must wave my parental right, or otherwise she would make my life miserable. She said she doesn't expect anything from me.
"Any time I tried to see you, she would not allow it. One time, she even called the police. She left me no choice, since she disappeared one day with you and that was it. She had left me some papers with a friend to wave my rights. After waiting another six months and searching everywhere, I did what she wanted finally."
Jacob gazed to an unknown place for a while. His eyes now seemed dry.
"In this dark period," He continued: "I tormented myself harshly by remaining alone and not socializing with anyone. The tremendous longing which human heart is capable of overwhelmed me. 'Could I regain my life again?' I kept asking myself. I didn't tell anyone about you. Only a few of our joint friends knew the story. If they knew where she was with you, they would not tell me. At that time, my mother was not talking to me, my father was drawn in his own misery; and my sister..." He stopped and covered his face again. The ambiance was so tense that nothing was heard but his heavy breathing. Everyone was engrossed in what he would say next.
"Can I be happy?" He began again. "Oh, what my grief and agony matter if I don't have the strength to be happy! I thought then that I could never find that resolution, that I could never be happy by seeing a tree or be happy by speaking to someone. People told me that I was impulsive. I didn't know that I was or not. The only relief that I found then was to study more. That for me was my own way of coping with life of sorrow and self- condemnation and stupor in this world. Sometimes though, I would defy in a ragging way; however, by doing that, I would admonish myself more.
"I could not help myself. I would fight back, but there was nothing to fight back with. I would talk to my fellow students arrogantly. I would insist on being treated falsely. They wouldn't understand me. They thought perhaps I was either out of my mind or ingenious. For a long time, it seemed that I couldn't understand the uproar around me, or perhaps I understood it clearly but stood aside like a soul apart who had no escape, no place in any on these outcries. I was like an invisible man, put in a room, looking at people, who were all strange to me, yet they all interested me." Jacob was vehemently talkative and restless. It seemed as though infinity cast its weighty arms over him.
"One night," He went on, getting up from his chair and began pacing the room: "One night, I desperately turned on my bed, and decided to move on. The first thing that came to my mind was to move away from there, somewhere far, as far as I could. I thought by doing that, I could forget that pain, I could meet new people, and I could go on with my life. I had a scholarship from the University Of Dallas; and I decided to take it; but not before searching some more for Ellen. I left my address to couple of Ellen's friends."
"Was that why you came to Dallas? I thought it was for getting away from your parents!" Diana said loudly, trembling, so everyone could hear.
Jacob sat again. To his wife's hysterical shout, he replied with a very sullen, sour look on his face:
"Sweet heart, I am so sorry that you have to learn about this in this dismal night. I've never intended to hurt you. I've been stupid and afraid. There has been many times I wanted to tell you but I was afraid to lose you. I should have told you when we first met. Can you ever forgive me for this?" He brought his fist which was placed on his forehead on the table. Then he added, as if to himself:
"You all wish and pray for me peace that I don't dare to wish for myself. I admit I'm guilty; but I don't know what my guilt is! These two women here, my wife, whom I give my life to, and my lost daughter, whom I've carried her love in my heart for the last twenty seven years, now are looking at me as though I'm a murderer. Why don't you get up and shoot me, kill me. If I deserve that kind of price, I accept it."
To Be Continued
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