" He pushed me back to the chair, after he put it back in the right position, and put the papers on my lap. 'You go on, study.' He said. He stood right behind me pushing his hands as hard as he could on my shoulders. I didn't know what to do, how to fight this? Mostly I was confused, besides being horrified. A few times, I turned to look at him. His eyes scared me. He said that I was acting childish. That I was losing a great opportunity. I found the courage to tell him to go to hell. He laughed: 'I am already in hell; and you're not going to tell me that this is not fun!'
"Slowly he slid his hands inside my shirt. I began a vain battle with him. That caused me to fall on the floor. He stood there, towering over me like a rapist not a professor, looking at me, lying on the floor defenseless. I could not recognize him. He didn't look like the distinguished and brilliant professor I knew in the class. Then he came on my top. He told me to take my clothes off. I didn't. I guess I was unconscious."
Diana's eyes were filled with tears now. No one of these people had ever seen such a distress, as they saw it in Diana Then. She bent her head on her chest, slowly wiped her tears with her hands, and then looked up at everyone, who were bitterly listening to her. She began a new cigarette, but her hand was shaking so much that it fell on the floor. She bent and picked it up, and stamped the fire on the floor with her shoes. She was in the state of abandoning herself to the sensation of an absolute ruination and the wretchedness that crashed in a half awareness and hushed viewing of the far reaching flow of life that for ever was swirling around her.
"After he finished," She began, looking fixedly to the space: "After he finished his despicable act, he helped me to dress. I'm not sure what happened. I might had fainted or were unconscious. I don't remember. Then he had this stern look on his face, acting in charge. 'You can go home now. Don't tell me you didn't enjoy it.' He said. 'You've already passed.'
"I left his office running. It was dark. In the parking lot, I was even afraid of my own footstep. I couldn't find my car key. I was afraid I had left it in his office. I ended up to overturn my bag on the asphalt to find my key. At home, Jacob was working in his office. Vickie was asleep. I went directly to the bathroom, stepped in the tub, and stayed under the hot water... I don't know for how long. I guess Jacob finally noticed that I was taking so long in the shower, or I was not acting right. He came to the bathroom. I heard him come. He sat on the commode and asked me if I was okay or something in that manner. I closed the water, pulled the curtain aside and stepped out. 'I need to tell you something.' I said. He nodded his head and then said: 'You don't have to.' I did not know what he meant.
I withdrew that course at once. I thought about doing something. I don't know... but then I felt who's going to believe me. Students always accuse their professors. This young professor from this distinguished university, so brilliant, no way. Later, I lost the courage to tell Jacob about it. I was ready to tell him that night, but he was so involved in his writing, that he didn't hear me. I went through hell to forget about this but I never did. Now this nightmare has returned to haunt me again. You, all of you, don't have to believe me, but I know that I have told the truth."
Diana gazed with fury to the space. then she got up and walked to the window. She pressed her forehead against the window pane. The coldness of it soothed her somewhat. Her breathing was heavy, her whole body shook. But her shaking was not the result of fear, as it had been the entire evening, but it was a trembling of relief. Yes, it was like the oscillating of a wave that had finally hit the wall and broke into pieces. She felt broken, yet relieved. She felt light after twenty three years carrying this nightmare. Now it was up to this people to believe her or not.
She finally found a peace of mind, what it used to be disturbed easily. At the same time, she felt sad; and while standing there, gazing into the dark of the night, her back to everyone, she even burst into tears once again. She did not know why! Certainly not because she had gained a peace of mind or because she had been outraged. She tried to investigate her crying. She might feel guilty, or it was the demand of disconnected and vague emotions.
To Be Continued
No comments:
Post a Comment