She unexpectedly felt the elevation of this new world that had just opened its view to her. This ambiance was not like her former domain which was a suspicious one. This one was a world filled with uplifting and virtuous apparatuses.
She could think of her former life in a calm manner now. The love for Mansour that had seemed dead in recent days to her, recovered gradually. It rebounded and possessed her heart again. Now she was ready to go through it which was supposed to happen in two months right after finishing of her school year.
Overwhelmed with happiness, she left school and began running. She had time to walk, something so joyful to her, yet she wanted to run. She had another hour, enough time to walk more and to be at school on time. Nevertheless, the sudden delight, she suddenly realized, was more because of her pride than love. She was not aware of it yet; what she was conscious of was that she loved life, the life that used to crawl for her, now was flowing.
That evening when walking with Mansour in the garden, Neda thought about all her behavior of that morning. When making a turn to the bench, where the cherry tree had made a canopy of leaves over it, Mansour's arm brushed her. He understood what she was talking about was of the most importance to her. He was not very happy to notice that as she poured out her desires to him, she was discovering her own personality; something that frightened him- a woman with character. He was nervous and agitated, but his disturbance turned to an awe when he felt the icy and cold hand of Neda in his grip. He clasped her cold hand in his while his muscles spasmed. In the heat of that conversation, she tried to release her hand from his; but her effort for doing that remained vain, and her hand was his.
"You're tormenting yourself and annoying me with all these nonsense." Mansour said with an obvious displeasure. " I feel you even take pleasure in irritating me. Why can you be normal, just like other girls? Just go through life as it comes your way, as it happens!"
Neda suddenly released her hand from his grip; then faced him angrily while her eyes blazed.
"What is normal to you? If you're going to be my partner, why shouldn't I discuss with you what I think?"
"Why do you have to think all the time? Just live your life. None of these questions that your seeking answers for are new! People from the beginning of the time have asked them, even have suffered to find out the answer. Nobody knows the answers and they never will!"
"I didn't say that I know the answer." She retorted. "I may never do. But these thoughts occupy my mind; they ravage my heart to pieces."
"You're not even sixteen yet. I guess all these upheaval has something to do with your age and hormones, you be so young!" He forced a smile saying that.
"I may be young, but I'm not your typical high school girl. I know it; and knowing it gives me all these turbulence and commotion. I knew it long time ago. I know it now; and I am sure I feel the same in years to come. All these anguish I'm talking about had taken shape in me long ago. Within years, they've grown, they've become immense; and now, just recently they have borne fruit, resulting all these wild questions that exhaust me and now you. They inexorably demand of me for an answer, a solution. I can't help what I think or feel! I wish I was normal as you put it. I guess I'm not. This is a characteristic of a poet or a painter, or a musician, or any artist..."
Mansour did not respond at once. He was pondering over his own issues. He wondered if it was wise for him to marry a girl so much younger than him and so immature!
However Neda knew that all her ambiguity and strange behavior were not a new thing. Before today, even yesterday or last week, they seemed to be like a dream; but beginning this morning, they suddenly revealed themselves in this new and surprising shape that she did not know them even yesterday. All she understood, whatever it took, things should be different for her. They should change. She did not want the life of the ordinary women; but she did not know how she might be able to change it!
"You're not a genius!" Mansour said with an apparent exasperation. "You think you are a poet. Well, you're not in my opinion. You just write about what you see or feel at the time and call it a poem. Everybody can do that. Just give up these craps and be normal! You're driving me insane."
"I don't believe what you just said. If I am not a poet, how come they're publishing my work in a magazine?"
"Oh, that magazine! A stupid magazine for housewives..."
Neda got up and walked inside, actually towards the entrance of the house, yet she did not go inside. She looked like a woman without soul or spirit. She was oblivious and blind with rage. this morning she had come to resolution that she would marry Mansour; now she did not want to.
Not saying goodbye to her fiance that evening, she finally went inside, ran upstairs to her room, ignored her mom's imploring cry to eat dinner and to talk to her. After crying her heart out, when she felt a little better, and a little relaxed, she took a bath and went to bed. She locked the door from inside. She stayed up all night. She decided to break up her engagement the next day.
To Be Continued
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