When Mansour looked at Neda, her, her soft, peaceful eyes and the brilliance in her face, they all affected him in a way that he forgot all their fights. Her tranquil existence these days was never unsuccessful to carry him to bliss and a world of serenity where he felt gentle and harmonious and full of love. He completely forgot all about their continuous struggle and disagreement and her being so opinionated. All he saw was that Neda had passion and she did everything these days with ardor.
However, as content as Neda was, she had her doubts, too. Sometimes she wondered if this happiness was just an illusion, if her desire to get married was only a way to escape from the chaos of recent months at her home. All of a sudden with a shocking clarity, she believed that she was not in love, but she was grabbing the first road to freedom that had come on her way; that she had spoken a terrible lie when she told Mansour that she loved him. The uncertainty at these times became unbearable to her. In those occasions, she realized that now she had no way out of breaking up. When she was in this state of mind, she felt drained of energy. Not only she would not find anyone to talk to to, but there was no one around in that crowded house to see her devastation. The only one person that she would say things to occasionally was Maryam, her cousin, four years older than her. She was a beautician. Neda liked the fact that her cousin was financially independent. However, she was not always around specially when Neda was in search of someone to talk to. The agonizing impact of these thoughts, at these times were so overwhelming that she would forget herself, she would not remember what she was doing, she would think no more of her school and lessons that she had memorized them; and she would walk without an aim in mind for hours. When she felt this way, she would rush out of the house so not to see any one. She would walk fast to leave the alley, where their home was, with her head lowered, looking but not seeing, thinking but not being able to reflect, remembering without knowing what she recalled. The only thing she would recollect was her last conversation with her fiance, the ones that were all about their differences. She wrote a poem in one of these hesitating time. She named it "Illusion".
"A withered reflection of hesitation and fear
In oscillating water appear.
An indelible solace caresses the face.
A tempting whim disguises the grace.
The weary image shines with power.
Despairing confusion rises as a tower.
The bitter disdain of one's heart,
Mocks the broken promises too far apart.
The variant emotions are not for measure;
But the mortified lives we treasure.
Separation marks a gloomy fright.
Wisdom fails, but hearts unite.
The broken face in the water glows.
The illusion is what the hero knows."
School year was soon over with all the turmoil at home and in her heart. She passed all her exams. She had one more year to finish high school; and since she was getting married, for the next school year, according to the law of the Ministry of Education, she would not be able to attend the regular school as a married woman. However, she could finish her last year by attending a special school which was for married woman. She had already spoken to Mansour about it and he had agreed to it.
To Be Continued
No comments:
Post a Comment