Neda recalled a conversation she had had with her father immediately after his marriage to Sima. She was never afraid of her father. She told him:
"I had so much respect for you before; now it's all contempt. I respect your past; I despise your present!"
Her father, Jalal, answered with a faint smile:
"What you're saying is very far from my feeling and my intent."
Thinking about all these, especially her mother and father, she said to herself:
"If marriage causes lack of individuality and compassion, why am I getting married?"
Yet, she was certain that she would go through it. She needed to get out of this house; and for now marriage was the only road to freedom!
The recollection of all these was very vivid in her mind. It was bright the night before in the twilight, it was lucid when first she woke up and saw dawn. Life was cruel from what she had seen so far and from what she noticed now and everywhere and all the time. This knowledge that she had acquired since her mother's visit the night before was fatal; nonetheless, seemed enchanting. It would be now more lethal even though its mystery made things charming , yet mystifying.
Coming to this conclusion, Neda left home for school without saying good bye to her mother, who was walking in the yard like a stray dog, or having breakfast. Instead of going her normal way to school, she kept walking without an aim. She walked out of her way intentionally, thinking. She knew she would not be late to school since she had left home a couple of hours earlier than everyday. She had to solve many things in her mind. The best way she used to resolve her problems and find the answer was always walking for her. As she walked in the misty air, unexpectedly she realized that there was no point to question herself for all these enigmatic problems that were occupying her mind. To come to that view point was like a shocking finality. As she turned to the street, where her school was, she remembered that she had not said good bye to her mother, who had watched her leaving house in a hurry. At that moment her mother had stood in the middle of the yard under the cherry tree. Now she recalled that her mother had a frozen look on her face; perhaps because she had thought that she was abandoned by everyone.
All these, she just now visualized that had happened many times besides this morning since all these turmoils in their lives had started. She knew her action had been one of ignorance and intolerance so far towards everyone even her poor mother. Now in the yard of school, she pictured her own attitude regarding this new situation, one of the slow endurance and acceptance. Disdain was melting away with her indisputable present.
Family life, all aspects of it, in a picturesque way, came to her vision. her own future family life demonstrated itself to her fancy in a disconnected way. Deep in her heart, she felt that all these issues were resolving, clarifying, and relaxing themselves. She had been apprehensive to study this puzzle before. Formerly she could not think and conjecture how others around her thought and believed. That mental exercise had been strange to her before; but now she understood them better.
She recalled a poem which was among ones to be published. She had called it "IF I WAS FALL". For no apparent reason, standing in the school yard, still being the only student at school, since she had left home so early, she recited that poem to herself:
"Oh, I wish I was fall.
I would be silent, sad and dull.
The leaves of my dream would turn yellow one by one;
Coldness would become to my eyes' sun.
The sky of my heart would fill with pain.
The storm of sorrow in my chest remain;
And like rain, my salty tears gush
To paint my face to color of blush.
Oh, how nice it would be if I was fall;
I would be wild, exciting, colorful, all.
Ahead of me
Would be bitter face of winter dree.
Behind me
was the thrill of sudden summer love and glee;
When in my heart,
Pain, sadness, suspicion took part.
Oh, I wish I was fall."
To Be Continued
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