Secrets- ~~ Chapter Four

He knew and learned in the law school that in any confrontation, honesty would always be a strong and vital element to keep one's nonchalance. He had preached that to his older children, the ones from his first marriage. He had asked his clients to be honest with him and to tell him the truth; John did. He knew that candor would confuse the challengers. All opponents would expect deviousness; with truth and sincerity one always would make the other side off- balance.

Knowing all these, he, himself, had not been very conscientious man. He had tried though; but when he had come to the realization that by being truthful, he would always be just another lawyer, there were so many of them, he decided to wait for his chance and luck to knock the door. Then John's father came along, offering him five million dollars. "I don't care if my son did this crime or didn't, I want him a free man." John's father had told him when he hired him.

He had found faith in fury! Did he really believe in religion? No one, even himself, was sure. He knew it was very proper thing to go to church with one's family; so he did. He tried to do everything proper for a lawyer, like when he went to opera with Jacob and his wife, or to a museum with his children. Everyone in his church knew him. But ultimately it was fury that was his faith not love or religion. His undoubted conviction arose from anger, a deep seeded anger that he was not sure how and where it had begun. He was passionately an assertive person.

Throughout his adult life, sometimes all of a sudden, his ongoing confusion of life had changed to a chilling terror. In the last five years, he felt that consternation quite often. Normally when he was like that, his face expression changed to a death- like grimace.

He was told numerous times that he wavered, acted evasively, had debility of direction, and came with so many ideas. For sure this very subject brought him to an obsession to do more wrong than right and to damage rather than heal.

Now he, in his brutally radical way, on the other hand, wanting to be devoted to his purpose- loving power, all of it, used or unused, was represented by an avenger, Tim. In Tim's opinion, for insulting one particular human being, his son. However the end would be all about the passion and misery of the person he had insulted. Ed was hopelessly wounded by this avenger. All he had in mind at the time of accepting the money and twisting the facts, was that one life was not that important when it came to happiness and financial security of many others. But now all he needed was human passion, love, and forgiveness.

He looked at all these impatient people, including his wife, who were waiting for him to open his mouth and spill out the unspoken. How could he? How could he tell these people that yes, he accepted the bribe, yes, he tampered the evidence, yes, he paid off many people to cooperate with him, and above all, how he did not care that an innocent life would be wasted in prison by his action?

Now, he needed courage, the audacity of a naturally timorous man who was determined to defeat his terror. He, who had believed he was a very moral, and honest man, now was confused about his own morality. His confusion was a great deal. Throughout his life, anytime because of weakness, or loving lassitude, or craving an easy life, or even absolute kindness of his personality, he believed he was a kind person, he felt drawn to relinquish the struggle for individual power or common ideas that he had had and just to leave the work and retire. He could do it. He had enough money to do it. But it had been the serious and moving images of his friends, he did not have many, that like an icon came to his vision and called him back to his chosen path.

To Be Continued