Neda had Sima, Sohrab, and Maryam to talk to; but she truly did not have anyone to voice her deep emotion to! These disturbances were so new to her. She had told everyone that she was happy to give her baby away only a month ago. She was not sure of it now.
Physically she was still incapable of moving around too much; and had to rest most of the time. Her doctor's opinion was that her uterus was too small to carry the baby. He had said that he might perform cesarean; that he might do that before the due time.
Everybody visited her in her room. Her mother was so envious to find Sima there most of the time, that she barely showed up except to bring her food. She would cry and complain that even her own daughter liked her rival more than her. Sohrab always had his evening meals with Neda in her room. Maryam, her cousin, visited her a few times a week. The only one, who never entered her room was her father. In fact, since the day that he had taken Neda to sign the divorce paper, she had not seen her father. What an irony, living in the same house, having his library next to Neda's room, having is bedroom with Sima just across the hall from her room! It was a strange situation! What happened to all that love he had showered her with when she was just a little girl? She missed all those days extremely.
Her physical condition could not be seen on her face. No one saw the irritation of her pregnancy on grimaces of her face. She could not move easily, yet her face had become like a landscape which shadows always stayed longer and lights were more temporary.
She was always alone internally even when she was with others. She felt the vanishing of the world which had closed itself to her at such a young age. She considered herself a sick woman for she was not able to do what she had always done. But the strange thing was that when her family forgot the she was sick, she became more annoyed than before. Day after day, week after week, she felt less resisting and more accepting to her situation, until at last without realizing, she forgot who she wanted to be, or even who she was.
This pregnancy was a long preparation for calamity she never attempted to forget; and that was something which she considered the worst that had happened to her. In the evenings, seldom, she had dinner with her family, something she had recently started. She did not stay in the room with them for long. Right after dinner, with Sohrab's help, she would go upstairs to her room and would stay alone, gazing through the window to the twilight rays which were fading away one by one. In the midst of this great darkness that slowly was befallen her, her soul was busy with reflecting of what she pictured she would see and face when the baby would arrive! She had been thinking almost everyday that her falsity was as much as Mansour's or her father's. Her audacity, ability, and sure suffering seemed to flash with a certain light in her mind every evening. Silent, tired, and waiting, her eyes and ears turned inward to hear, see, and feel this child which now made her feel so different.
She was told about child birth: "The most gruesome!" Her mother said to her: " The most grotesque!" Her aunt Zari said. Both women told her with detail about the horror of the child birth. " A pain that is not like a tooth ache, or period cramp, but something from another world, something dreadful that no one could explain it until you go through it!" So how wonderful! Why did they never tell her about other things, like sex or how to prevent pregnancy? Why did they never educate her about anything and sent her innocent and naive to a monster! If the child birth was this horrible, why aunt Zari had three children and her mother two?
To Be Continued
No comments:
Post a Comment