SEcrets-XXX Chapter Six

Suddenly Rosa stopped talking. Jacob got up and walked to Diana which now was sitting next to the window and chain smoking. She was crying hysterically. He hugged his wife, and then they both cried as though they had heard the news of their daughter's death.

Thui went to the kitchen and brought a pitcher of iced water, poured two glasses for Jacob and Diana and then sat back on her former place.

Ed Felt that Jacob and Diana's pain was much greater than his pain earlier. The only true love that he had always felt without any corruption was for his children. He told himself that except special occasion the love for one's children was universal.

Tim, on the other hand, did not move, did not even blink. He was sitting on the edge of his chair, bending his head and resting his chin on his hand. Nevertheless, in his expressionless face, one could see a world of sadness. He looked like a man that was ready to leave but kept telling himself, another minute, ...

Moments passed. Jacob sat next to Diana. Then he gave a long glance to Rosa.

"I want to hate you, but I can't." He repeated that again and again, unable to resist the painful awareness of repeating himself. Suddenly he stopped, as though remembering something, as though a though entered his mind.

"She called us around the time you're talking about!"

"That is true. I insisted on her calling you." Rosa responded despondently.

"Wait a minute; this doesn't make sense. She asked for money. She gave us an address. Actually a post office box in Virginia. If she was in Dallas.... No, no, this doesn't make sense, no... " Jacob was outrageous. He was shaking all over his body

"I can explain. I know all about it. " Rosa said in despair.

"Well, she was over five months pregnant. She wasn't sure who the father was. She wanted to have an abortion. I told her that was too risky; I meant being five months pregnant. She said that she didn't care. She said that she rather die than having a baby under that condition. We talked a lot that night. I told her that she needed to contact you. She refused. But then she said she needed money for abortion. I told her if I couldn't stop her, I might as well help her financially. She said no. She was angry at me. But later she became friendly again. She said she was sorry for being upset with me. I couldn't tell her that she had every right to be angry at me. She said the only help she wanted from me was that her parents wouldn't find out that she was in Dallas.

"I have a friend in Virginia. We used to be roommates when I first moved here. She married and moved to Virginia with her husband. I called her and without giving her much information asked her to send me back the envelope she would receive in Vickie's name. Of course, she was puzzled, but she knew if I told her to not question me, I wasn't going to tell her anything. That is why you sent the money to Virginia."

"What happened to baby?" Diana stammered.

Rosa stared at the window. The splendid dawn was coming to life. It was lightening the stifling room. She inhaled a big sigh and then looked at Diana.

"I am so sorry to cause this much pain for you. I didn't know I could do this much damage. When I started, I just wanted to find Jacob and ask him why; but everything changed, everything went too fast, I just couldn't stop it. Tim wouldn't let me to stop.

"That night, seeing her like that, I was so ashamed of myself that a few times I decided to tell her the whole story, to ask her forgiveness, but I didn't. Not only we people always wouldn't want to admit what we have done; but I was all she had. If I turned her against me, I felt, by telling her the truth, I might ruin that chance she had. On the other hand, I needed her more than she needed me. I didn't want to lose that. I loved her and still do.

"I stayed with her that night. In the morning I took her with me. I didn't have a place of my own anymore, so she couldn't stay with me; you know I didn't want to take her to Tim's house. The least I could do for her was to get her a place and I did. I rented a small, one bedroom apartment. Her pride was injured. She didn't understand why I was so generous with her. I told her that I needed a place for an occasional getaway from Tim, and her place would be my getaway place, too.

"I swear, our main conversation that night was about me telling her to go home, to go to her parents. I thought that I just forget about having a relationship with my father if I could save her. She told me if I insisted on her going home, she would disappear and even I would never know where she was. she said she knew her parents well enough. They would never forgive her; they would criticize her. She said her life was messy as it was, and she didn't want to add more misery to it. My impression was that she was terrified to go home. She told me that she was not terrified, but the morality issue was such a big deal in her family; and because of that she didn't want to go home.

"The baby, she was very adamant to abort it. I could convince her otherwise. She wouldn't listen to me. I told her it would be dangerous for her sake, being over five months pregnant. She said that she didn't care. She said she'd preferred to die than to have this baby.

"I spent the whole day with her. I brought her some modest furniture and clothes. Her apartment was to be ready in two days. I went home that afternoon to bathe, change clothes and talk to Tim. I left her in the motel. Tim wasn't home. I left him a note and explained the situation. I told him in the note that I would spent that night with Vickie.

"Driving back to the motel, I felt there was no prosperity in my act, in what I'd done. I'd given her my word not to contact her parents. I almost stopped to call you guys. I felt that it just couldn't go like this anymore. I'd reached no contentment with my hard work to get there. I felt miserable. I was transformed... But how I could free myself from that guilt? How should I?

"As I reflecting, I noticed spring with all its way. All around, I observed green trees and grasses which shone by the warm breeze. Yes, it was spring with all its splendor.

"Two days after she was situated in her apartment, I took her to a private doctor. She bluntly told the doctor that she was raped and she wanted to abort. The doctor told us that he would not do it, no way. He said that the only way that any doctor would perform abortion on now almost six months pregnant woman, would be in a case of danger to the mother's life. We went to two more doctors, and the answers were the same. I hoped after hearing these doctors' opinion, she would change her mind, but she didn't.

"Somehow on her own, she was heard of this woman, I guess a midwife, who would do it illegally at her home. She lives in Lancaster, south of Dallas. I swear Vickie didn't tell me about this woman; I had no idea.

"It was only a week after her return that I had a call from Parkland Hospital. Yes, she had gone to that woman. I don't know something went wrong. The woman performed the abortion, and sent her home. Vickie waited two days and ignored her heavy bleeding. I was busy with my finals. This was the first time that I had not seen her for a few days. At the end of the second day, she just had enough energy left to call 911 before passing out.

"The reason they called me from Parkland Hospital was because they found only my name and telephone number in her apartment. They needed blood. She'd lost a lot of blood. When I got there, I couldn't even recognize her. Her face was white like the sheet that covering her. Her body and hand were cold. Her eyes were closed.

"They asked my what was my relation to her. I told them that I was her sister. Her blood type, A+ is just like mine. I lay next to her and gave her blood as much as I could. When they stopped drawing blood out of me, I told them to not stop. They said that I couldn't possibly give more blood. I said that I didn't care.

"My blood saved her. She was saved. She was rescued. I took her home a couple a days later. I took care of her. I nursed her to health, I pampered her, I...

"When she was well enough to stand on her feet again, one day she asked me: 'No friend has ever done what you've done for me. You almost killed yourself to save me, why?'

"I was caught. I was confused. What could I tell her? How should I tell her? 'I just love you. You're my friend, you're like a sister to me.' I told her. 'No. Rosa, it can't be only that. I'm not stupid. The way you take care of me, all the things you've done for Me. No, no, it can't be that. Just tell me, tell me the truth!'

"We were in the kitchen. I was cooking, she was helping me. I told her to sit down. I sat, too. 'You want the truth, I tell you the truth; but don't hate me when you know the truth.'

"I told her everything. I mean everything from the beginning to the end. She sat and listened without interrupting me. But I insisted on telling her that my motive at the beginning of this plot was to ruin her, now was only to save her and to love her and to help her.

"We both cried. Her tears fell on her skinny cheeks, but they burned my heart. I held her hands and kissed them. I asked her to forgive me. The only thing she told me was: 'Now you see why I don't want to contact my parents. If my father could do what he did to you, he is capable of doing it to me, too.'

"Our relationship got stronger and better as days passed. Always, always returning home after being with her, I felt my heart was overwhelmed by joyous yet painful torment of spirit. I didn't consider myself as a failure anymore.

"I helped her to get a job in a daycare center. She loves working with children. Now she is back in school. She wants to become a teacher, like her father and mother and sister. She is fine, very fine. Now she is ready to come home, to come to you, if you accept her. she knows I'm here tonight. She knows everything. And one more thing I should say, this last part, Tim didn't know about it. I know why he accepted your invitation. I knew about Ed and his son. I didn't know his son's death. He told me that tonight he would confront Ed and I would face Jacob. I said that this was our great opportunity. Now it is up to you. That is all I have to say."

To Be Continued

Secrets-"""""""" Chapter Six

"I talked to Vickie when we had lunch one day. I couldn't possibly give myself away or tell my relation to her; but I told her that Fred would use her and then dump her. She said that she was madly in love with him and he was crazy for her. She said that they were moving to Austin, where Fred's family had a farm. She was all excited to live in a farm, to have a country style life. I just couldn't stop her even if I told her the truth. She called my her sister since everywhere we went together, they asked us if we were sisters. So one day she told me: 'Let's be sisters!' I was happy to hear that; but I wanted to tell her that we were real sisters.

"Tim laughed at me when I told him about my distress. He said: 'Even if Fred dumps her, so what! She'll grow up! She'll learn a lesson.' I saw Vickie one more time before she left. I begged her not to leave; but she was completely a different person. She was no longer, the innocent girl I'd met two months earlier."

All the other five were so engrossed in what Rosa was saying, that nobody had noticed that Diana had moved and was sitting next to Jacob, They both were at the verge of break down; however Diana had her head on his shoulder and he had his arm wrapped around him.

"Let me tell you about Fred even though I know you'd met him. He must be in his forties. He acts like a cowboy without having the integrity of the one. He wears these worn out jeans, plaid shirt, and a cowboy's hat. He grows his facial hair, only because he is too lazy to shave. He is the worst man any parents wish for their daughters. And the farm he told Vickie about in Austin, was not his parents; in fact there was no farm at all. He just had some friends in Austin that he'd thought could help him, or better yet, he could use them.

"Before they left, I told Vickie to call me anytime she wants. I really meant it. They left on Labor day. The first call came only after two weeks. He'd battered her; he'd forced her to sleep with his friends for money..."

Suddenly Rosa stopped. A poisonous knot in her throat made her numb momentarily. She glanced at Jacob and Diana. Jacob seemed somber and thoughtful; Diana's head was hidden on Jacob's chest, but it was obvious that she was crying quietly. Her shoulders were shaking.

"After talking to her on the phone," Rosa began again with a tone that was barely audible. "I hated myself, I absolutely hated myself. I thought about contacting you and letting you know everything. Tim stopped me. I..."

"What else did she tell you on the phone?" Jacob interrupted Rosa with a very dispiriting face.

"She told me that she was like a prisoner; she had no way out. She told me that I was right and Fred was a worthless man. She told me that did drugs. She said that they forced her to do drugs, but so far she has been able to refuse it, even though they punish her for that. She told me that they do dog fighting and make money that way, too. I told her that I was going to get her, to bring her home. She said that she couldn't. She said that they would kill her if they knew she had contacted me. I told her to just run away and come back to Dallas. She said she had no money, and then she hanged up. I wanted to tell her to call the police, but she already hanged up. I had no phone number from her. I even wasn't sure if she really was in Austin. All I hoped for was that she could call me again.

"In this dark period, I tortured myself by remaining at home and cutting all my activities. I thought if I leave home, she might call. I imagined her, my beautiful sister, in the hands of all these horrible and wicked men. I felt guilty, yes, it was all my fault. I had put her in that situation for my own stupid revenge, for what my mother had injected in me since childhood. I recalled her singing to me. She had a beautiful voice, I am sure you know it. Her vice is so angelic that I think with a little training she can be a great operatic singer. I envisioned that she was singing some magical notes that throbbed like a human heart beat.

"I'd thought by ruining her life, I would gain mine, and I would get a well- deserved revenge from a man who had ignored me. But I was wrong. I've failed in my mission. My emotional breakdown, Tim told me, was an inexcusable weakness. I've lost my forward motion. I realized that I was fighting for nothing. I felt a deep loss. I felt degenerated and corrupt. All these emotions, seemed though, carving my body in pieces with their sharp mortification.

To Be Continued

Secrets- <><><><> Chapter Six

"I told him once that he was an evil man, and that he made me to be like him. I said that I was looking for a place, at this point I didn't have my apartment anymore, and I was planning to leave him. He looked at me in a way that I knew this time I had truly insulted him. Then he asked me a question so appallingly that I knew he was outraged. I also realized that this was not the time to forsake this intelligent, yet troubled man, who was desperately in search of something. His question was: 'Had I known that Jacob had another child before I met you?' I answered him no. Then he told me that how could I accuse him of something that I started it! But I wanted to stop and he thought it was too late to stop. The damage was done. Vickie was not the same woman anymore.

"He never told me about his own troubles. Only one time he mentioned that he once was married and he had a son. It was only when he got the invitation for the party tonight that he told me about his son's troubles, not all of it, and about Ed. Then all my attempts to make him tell me more was useless. It seemed that he opened his arms against his many troubles all alone. My feelings for him was mixed. At times, I loved him, other times, I hated him, many times I felt sorry for him; but when I was in his class, I admired him.

"In his class, he always glowed. He was, is, an excellent teacher and lecturer. When he taught, it was obvious that he was living on the edge of his thoughts, struggling with the fundamental problems of his life, or life in general. I wanted to save his damned spirit.

"Nonetheless, he was so persuasive in any matter that after every argument, I was always enthralled. I knew that it was me who approached him for my plan. I knew when I had sputtered out my story, those hateful words that were planted in me by my mother, to him, there was no return. I knew it much later. But when later came, I was terrified at the finality of what I had told him; and became the confused woman that my mother had predicted I would be.

"How could we, Tim and I, achieve any kind of meaningful living that I had sought desperately all my life? It seemed impossible. I gave up. I knew he had given up a long time ago. Nevertheless, in my own instability, I thought of what I could do to stabilize him, to support him in his loss. I didn't know about his loss then, but I was suspicious that he must have some great hopelessness somewhere hidden in him.

"The interesting thing was that all my friends thought I was very lucky that Tim had picked me. He was very popular among girls. My friends told me that living with him was like an explosion, living on the edge, which was full of surprises; nonetheless, it was wonderful. They said my life with Tim was like a movie which was full of scenes of renderable and normal manners; and unimaginative interpretation of what seemed so odd. However, as bizarre as our connection was, it caused envy among my friends.

"Anyway, I thought I had designed a plan for the deliverance of what was possible in an impossible shape. Yes, it was possible to deceive Vickie, for she was very naive, and yes, it was impossible for me to see the result of what I had done. In the two months before she left home. I saw before my eyes the changes in her. It was scary, truly, I began to have feeling for her. I started liking her. When she told me she was seeing Fred, I was frightened. I knew him; he was the worst of all men I knew. He was an absolute user, who even didn't have charm. He was crude and acted vulgar. I needed to stop this; and I tried. But I couldn't stop what I'd started.

To Be Continued

Secrets-&&&&& Chapter Six

"You know you can get a job and go to school, too. That's how I've done it and I'm still doing it. What are you studying? She looked at me; kind of surprised that I was making friend with her so quick. Then she said: 'It's a long story.' 'We have time.' I told her. 'Well, my real interest is fashion design. But my father thinks that I can learn that on my own. He thinks I need real education like him and my mother; he thinks fashion design is not a real education. That is why I haven't finished school yet. It's been four years and I can't stick to one thing. I've changed major many times and every time I do that, I lose a lot of my credits.' At this point I showed her that how surprised I was. 'Oh, my, you really need to do something about this. I know I can't handle this kind of pressure.' 'What do you think I should do?' At this point I knew that she would trust me. I told her: 'I don't know Vickie. It is up to you. But if you want I can help you to get a job.'

"I saw a glow in her eyes. She was already trusting me completely. I kind of hated myself; but it was too late to turn back. I needed to continue with my plan. She was my sister and had everything; I, nothing. That is what I was thinking. 'You want to come and see me sometimes?' I asked her. 'Sure,' She said. 'You said you can help me.' 'Right, if you want me to. Say, we can go out for a drink sometimes. Do you ever go out for a drink?' She flushed. 'Sometimes!' 'Do you want us to go out tomorrow night?' I asked her. 'Sure!'

"The next evening I took her to a bar, the same place I was a bartender for a while. I knew that place very well. Normally no married couple went there; There were some married people that came there but never with their spouse. They were after one night stand. The rest were mostly single men or women who looked for a date or one night stand who hung up there.

"I talked to the manager, and he gave Vickie a job. My plan was working. Between the day she began working and the day she left home, two months later, exactly on Labor day, I saw her almost every evening.

"There were times that I thought about the wickedness of my act. But every time I talked it over with Tim, he convinced me to finish my plan. He was very adamant that my act was the only way to get even with Jacob.

"At times, I'm telling you the truth, I vaguely realized the degree of what I was doing, the effect that it could have on myself, for I began liking Vickie, my half sister. Dropping my long time plan or not dropping it, I thought, would be a burden that could be distressful and even destructive for my own well being.

"On the other hand, Tim was unpredictable. I didn't know what to expect from him in any given day. Of course, I didn't know anything about his son then. I learned most of those tonight. His inconsistency was in a way that sometimes he would explode in contradictory directions. It seemed that he was following not a point of precise course but an entire surroundings, all angles that existed.

"I thought about leaving him many times. He knew it. But each time he, with his charming bickering, made me stay. His argument was that we needed each other, that we both had a mission. I didn't know his mission then.

To Be Continued

Secrets- ***** Chapter Six

"I'd thought of an imaginary look of my father before I saw him for the first time. In that picture, he was short, fat, dark, dirty, with the smell of alcohol in his breath. Somehow I think my mother put all those visions in my mind without speaking of them. I always wondered how a professor, a well educated man, could be all of the above! But when I saw him for the first time, I thought how a man who looks and acts like a gentleman, could do such thing to his own child.

"Well, when I got to know him better, I realized that he is in a way like my mother, against everything. I slowly came to accept that there are not many good people in this world. It's hard for me to put all that I had experienced in the last ten years into words. And it's even harder that I ask you to believe me that I've changed tonight.

"Together we came up with a plan. We thought the best way to hurt Jacob was to destroy his family, the closeness he had with his family, his peace of mind. Diana, please, please, don't hate me. I was fool. I didn't know you then."

"I'm listening! I won't say a word until you finish. I kind of have an idea how your story ends. I'm not going to cry or get hysterical, I promise until I hear all you have to say." Diana said.

"Anyhow, we talked it over, and Tim suggested that I should get close to Vickie somehow. I envied her tremendously. I thought she had it all and I had nothing; both of us from the same father, but I had to live all my life without a father, and she had him all to herself. Having all those feelings, I thought Tim's idea was excellent. But how could I get close to Vickie? I'd seen her only once in one of the university's function before I decided to get close to her.

"Thinking about a plan, we came out with many ideas, but none of them seemed logical and natural. Yes, it had to be natural. One day, to be exact, three years ago, Tim told me that there was going to be a picnic for the faculties and their families at Lake Dallas. He said that there would be a great possibility that Vickie would be thee with her parents. A window of hope opened to me. We planned everything very carefully. Out plan was that I would go but I would keep a very low profile so not to be noticed.

"It was middle of summer, I think sometimes in July, exactly three years ago. The weather was nice, sunny, warm, and breezy. Many people were there with heir families; but there was no sign of Jacob and his family. I was at the verge of a break down. That was perhaps my only chance.

"Later on in the afternoon, when everyone was full and sluggish of barbecue food and sun, Tim motioned to me that Jacob and his family just showed up. I looked at the three of them together. My heart palpitated and sank with a deep sadness. They seemed so close to each other, so normal, so perfect. I doubted my plan for a minute, but when I thought that I could be there with Jacob instead of Vickie, and my mother could also be there instead of Diana, my hesitation vanished.

"Tim kept a low profile. I did not know then why he did not want to be noticed. Of course, I know it now. As it's normal for young people to separate from their parents, I saw Vickie was walking alone while her parents were mingling with others. I walked to her, pretended that I was as bored as she was. 'My name is Rosa.' I said. 'Are you here alone?'

"She turned around and looked at me. I almost fainted to see how much we looked alike, like sisters. 'I'm Vickie, no, I'm here with my parents. They're over there.' She pointed to the direction where Jacob and Diana were standing. Then she said: 'Who are you with? You're too young to be a professor!'

"I smiled.' You're right. I just work for the college. I also am a student.'

"We walked along the shore line until we were out of sight. She talked about her goals, her dreams; but very soon, I cleverly changed the subject.

"' You know I am alone here in Dallas. I have no family here. Maybe we can get together sometimes.' 'Where is your family?' She asked. 'Oh, They're back home. You know I'm from New York.' I didn't tell her where I truly was from. 'You're lucky that you can live on your own. I wish I could do the same.' She said. ' Why don't you?' I asked her. 'Oh, my parents would have a fit if I move out!' 'How old are you?' I asked her. 'Twenty two.' 'I was eighteen when I moved out.' 'What did you parents think of it?' She was curious. 'Well, they didn't like it. But they had no choice. Besides they trusted me.' I was trying to plant a seed of dislike towards her parents in her. 'I'm not sure if my parents trust me or not. But they tell me when I finished school and get a job, I can live on my own. Somehow it sounds logical to me.'

To Be Continued

Secrets-{}{}[][] Chapter Six

"I must admit now that up to this moment, I had been overpowered by the weight of disillusion. I had doubted my goal and the intensity of my life to find Jacob and to ruin his life. I told Tim many times about my doubtfulness, about that I should forget this dangerous idea. But he always convinced me that people who were nice and lovable, like Jacob, were capable of the worst cruelties. Everything about Jacob, the way I came to understand it was calm and gentle. That is why I was doubting my long life mission; that is why I began doubting my mother. But Tim with his satisfying way of talking convinced me that no one could judge people by their appearance and behavior. He said that there is an evil behind every face, and for gentle people like Jacob, that evil could come to surface much easier and faster. I believed him. He made sense to me then. I figured that he is a professor, much older than me, and perhaps wiser than me; therefore, I assumed what he was telling me was correct.

"Both of us, Tim and I, depended on each other; but I could not say if our mutual dependence was because of love or the connivance we provided for each other. What I can say is that we both are the same kind, a class that you may just simply call it bad, nothing else. Together, we were really harmful. It seems that in the last three years that we've been together, we have done nothing but finding out dirt about others and using those information to harm them. But we did have some moments of sudden explosion of happiness, too. We travelled. We had moments of joy. However neither of us, I think, have had any morality. Our mission in life was to destroy other lives. We enjoyed the grief of others. Now I know that only a person without ethics can be so satisfied with other's affliction.

"Believe it or not, we talked about marriage; but we both came to the conclusion that we are better off the way we were. We both agreed that the problem in public life is to master loneliness, not being afraid of terror that surrounds us. And the problem in married life is that married people don't know how to master being alone and not being bored. One time Tim told me that married couples normally are not happy people. I kind of agreed with him. We decided never to get married so first to avoid boredom and second unhappiness."

Suddenly Diana, who was listening with earnestness, hissed at Rosa. Her teeth clenched, as her angry eyes glared at Rosa in annoyance:

"Rosa, you must always remember that stability in marriage is far more important than happiness."

Jacob nodded his head to support his wife's statement. Nonetheless, Rosa, as though she did not hear the interruption, continued:

"I can control my irritation. Yes, I am irritated now, not at you, Diana. You're the last person I'll be mad at, but at myself; for what I had been, and for wasting my time and energy for something so vain. Honestly, I was just struggling very hard to solve the problems of my life while I wasn't aware that the problems were my mother's poisoning my mind. I guess my initial attempt to find my father was a lifting experience, a good thing; but when I combined that with the vengeance, it became a desultory falling in the ditches.

To Be Continued

Secrets- ~{~}~}{ Chapter six

"I went to his house that evening. He cooked. I helped. At dinner table, I told him my true, whole story. I din't leave anything out. I told him how I had planned all my life to ruin Jacob and his family. First he could not believe it. He said he knew Jacob for a long time. He knew Diana. He said that she used be his student; and he said that he had met Vickie in one of the university function. He told me if my story was about another professor it would be much easier for him to believe it, but not Jacob. He went on and on admiring Jacob's character. But I insisted that he was my father, that he had abandoned me.

"I slept with him that night. I pretty much stayed with him after that first night, but I always kept my apartment. I tried very hard not to fall in love with him. I watched his flirting with other women. The reputation I heard about him was very true. Nonetheless, I felt a pang in my heart every morning when we left each other. I felt our intimacy was a planned, wrong, and lost one; therefore I perceived a pain for that togetherness, for our lives together, and I experienced distress for him being unfaithful to me; but from the beginning that was part of our deal and I had agreed to it since we both were from the same class. We both were corrupt. He asked me why I needed an apartment of my own and almost threw money out every month. My answer was that he almost always had affairs with other women, so I wanted to have my own place and have my own affairs. He didn't deny his affairs and seemed didn't mind mine; even though I strayed only once. He acted as though it didn't matter. He said: 'I never said I am perfect. You knew the first day you came to me.' I didn't tell him that I have not had any affairs; because we we talked about this, I had not. We were match made in heaven!

"Sometimes I would get up in the middle of the night, and looked at him, sleeping in the dim light of the bedroom. Sensation and feeling flooded me when I looked at him sleeping. I understood that I needed to stop me from falling in love with him.

"The thought of being there, next to him, while he was sleeping, aroused my sexual and emotional desire more than when he actually touched me. Then I would feel a convulsion like the eruption of a storm that I didn't know where it came from. It was frightening, sitting there on the corner of the bed and looking at him. Sometimes I had to grasp for breath, clutching myself to stop me from shaking. And all these happened to me without his touch, without his words, without his stare. I needed to stop me from falling in love with him.

"I would run outside to the yard, to the gray night; but night was white, it wasn't gray. It was dawn, a dark white dawn; and when the morning sun finally leaped, I would return inside. But I had a justification for those luxurious, emotional days, weeks, and months. It seemed to me that my relationship with him had a special nourishment for me that I found it externally important for my well being and for my continuing to go on.

I was twenty five then, almost finished my master thesis, and with has agreement, getting ready for my PhD. I must admit, as I came to hate him tonight, I owe him a lot. I learned a lot from him. I didn't know anything about his son, or his trouble with law, and even his marriage to Nancy. Those subjects were uncharted territory for him. He would never answer me abut them, but I knew that he had a son and he was married before, Every one knew those. But now do we have time to think or not to think? What have I done? What have I done with his help? Oh, God...

"He is, was a successful man, has a beautiful home, spend money like water. But it didn't take me long to find out the reason for his success. He tailored his principals to fit his ambition and desires. But out there, out of his personal world, there was feeling, there was a world of cruelty and tenderness that he only glimpsed at but never paid attention to them.

To Be Continued

Secrets-{~} Chapter Six

"In Dallas my horizon didn't expand in all directions as I was expecting. The six months help from my mother that she had promised me, stopped at the first month. I began working in a fast food restaurant, but money was so little that I couldn't go to school and live, too; even with he scholarship I had. Then I began working in a bar, then in a restaurant again, and many other jobs. I enrolled in the same university that Jacob worked. I worked countless hours till midnight, but my goal was so imperative that neither my studying nor my long hours of working could stop me, or slow me down.

"I had a plan and I thought if I would enroll in one of his classes, my emotion might interfere with my plan. So I stood aside, away from his classes. But from far, I studied him, I asked question about him. Everything that I heard about him was positive. All students liked him. He was a likable person in students' eyes. Then I heard that he was also a writer. I bought his books and read them over and over. I tried to know his emotions about me between the lines of his novels.

"The intense work, studying, and learning about Jacob placed a heavy infliction on my mental and physical system that soon I realized that if I would not give myself a break, I would break down. I did, however, gave myself a little break. With he help of scholarship and grant and a job in the library of the university. I quit all the other jobs. Now my mission was getting my degree and revenge.

"My personal world expanded at the same rate as of my emotional world, as I found myself circled by young men, for they found me attractive, and young women, for they found me smart. I became active in many things, but my real reason was still a way to find out about Jacob's personal life. You may ask how so! Well I thought if I attend university's activity, I might find someone who is close to Jacob, and by exploiting that person I could get close to the heart of Jacob's home. I found that person. He was Tim.

"It seemed to me that they were good friends. I saw then having lunch together, walking together, and spending time in each other's office for hours. I thought about a way to get close to Tim. I began a serious inquiry about Tim. One of the primary thing that everyone told me about him that he had this reputation of being a womanizer. I felt if I needed to use my body to get close to Tim, I would. It didn't matter anymore.

"For the next semester, I enrolled in one of Tim's classes. After a week I went to his office for advice. His classes was always full of discussion, positive analysis. Over all I must submit that he is a very good teacher.

"But in his office things were different. That room was quiet, so very hushed. He was writing something when I entered. He took off his glasses and looked up to me. I noticed a glow in his eyes. He asked me what I wanted. I told him that I was one of his student and I needed advice. Two hours later I was still in his office. He told me that I was an interesting person to talk to. I told him about my life story and about my move to Dallas; but I left out the part about Jacob. He said that he knew a professor from Pennsylvania. In just that short period that I was in his office, I learned so much from him, not only about life but also about the university and other professors.

"When finally I stood up to leave his office, he suddenly asked me what was my real reason for going to his office! I realized that I had not asked him any question about that course. I was caught. He was too smart for me. He knew that I did not need any advice and my visit to his office had nothing to do with the course I was taking. He knew that I had a different motive. I didn't know what to say. He saw my ambiguity. Suddenly he surprised me by saying: 'Why don't you have dinner with me tonight, and then we talk about your real reason.' I said yes.

To Be continued

Secrets- Chapter Six

Rosa's listeners were puzzled. She began talking after awhile, first more like mumbling and then slowly her voice became more clear:

"For a long time I had struggled to be in command of my life, my prospects, and my situations. I've been partially successful so far; but let me tell you truthfully that now what I feel is panic. A deep, incisive dread is rattling me, and you all know when hysteria comes, delirium follows it. Yes, I'm at the verge of frenzy now.

"All my adult life, I've had only one goal, to face my father, to spit on his face, and to tell him how coward he is. I planned my life around that goal. I lived, strove, and breathed for that goal. Tonight I finally had that chance, but I suddenly realized that I don't want to do any of those that I had planned. Instead I want to love him and I want him to love me." Suddenly Rosa burst into a hysterical cry. Tears rushed down her face involuntary.

Everyone was silent. Jacob did not know what to do; nonetheless, he automatically hugged his daughter and kissed her head.

"I don't think I want to know what you've done before. All it matters to me is that now we've found each other. No, I don't want to know what you had done up to now!" Jacob said with his eyes cast down

Suddenly Tim's eyes widened. No, that was not his plan. Things were happening in a way that he did not like.

"Jacob, you've heard every one's story. You must hear hers, too, in order to know mine. And let me tell you, you all need, must, should know my story. Even Rosa doesn't know mine." Tim seemed calm, but there was an uproar in him.

Rosa responded with a soft and sad voice:

"He is right. I even don't know his story. I'm anxious to know it, too. I thought his son's suicide was his story, which I didn't know that either, but I guess he has more secrets than any of us can imagine. I tell you mine. I don't care anymore. If you all think what a terrible person I am, that's fine with me. I deserve it, I deserve..." She began crying again.

Her tears and emotions cut Diana's heart, as though she was her own child. She did not care what Rosa had done. All she cared now was that she loved her as though she was her own daughter, her Vickie.

"Why don't we stop this now?" Diana said with a sharp voice. Then she turned to Tim and said:

"We don't care to know your secret. Just leave her and all of us alone. I know how much pain you're in. To lose one's child is the worse thing can happen to any parent. I truly empathize with you. But it is time to end all of these!"

Tim responded with a loud laughter:

"You're the only good person among all of us, Diana. But you must, you should hear my secret. Mine is the matter of death and life."

A deadly silence followed. His mysterious remark made everyone wonder what his secret could be that it was the matter of life and death. However, Rosa, after wiping her tears with her hand, said to Diana:

"You're a great, dignified woman. I wish you were my natural mother. I must tell my story. Please don't hate me later."

###

To Be Continued