Secrets <><><><> Chapter Seven

Tim got up and walked outside to the yard, leaving everyone in the room in awe. The breeze, the bright morning sun, the big, juicy pears on the tree, none of then now could bring him the solitary peace he had always yearned for. In fact, he was internally in uproar. He looked around and tried to understand how it was possible for him not having any feeling for nature he always admired so much. The morning had begun its glory; the sun had risen in east, and a part of it now was hidden behind a small plantation of pine trees about a quarter of a mile from where he stood. Nevertheless, its ray reached unlimitedly across, and they fell on the stillness of bunch of trees. Those rays penetrated the leaves, threw light on the trunks of the trees. From where he stood, the leaves seemed almost blue color and above them in the white sky, the sun imparted a trace of glowing colors.

He sat on the garden chair filled with melancholy, yet clear thoughts. He realized for the first time the distance which was separating him from everyone, especially Rosa, whom he had discovered his profound and confused feeling for her only this morning. He was not sure when he would die or take his own life, but he was certain that the gap between Rosa and he would deepen as time would pass. He foresaw the happy family, united by fate and hate, struggling to make sense of everything, striving to connect again and forever, attempting to tie the lose ends, things that in the first place had caused all these disasters. But one thing he was certain of, like a mother's intuition, very certain, that Rosa was not infected. He had made sure of that.

He, no longer wanted to repress himself. Everything was clear like water. A force was risen in him that he treasured it. Now he valued life which was not his, civilization which was precious, and nature which was fruitful. Yes, all of these were now important. He pulled a branch of the pearl tree close to him where he was sitting and took one pearl and looked at it. How beautiful! He cut a piece of it with his teeth like an angry animal, and tasted the sweet pearl in his mouth. All these treasures in world were requirements for life, for prosperity. He was only a second, a small cell in the life of universe. He did not matter. He knew know that he had no right to indulge himself in the great satisfaction of his own personal egoism. Yes, everything was now clear.

To Be Continued

Secrets-"""""""" Chapter Six

"I talked to Vickie when we had lunch one day. I couldn't possibly give myself away or tell my relation to her; but I told her that Fred would use her and then dump her. She said that she was madly in love with him and he was crazy for her. She said that they were moving to Austin, where Fred's family had a farm. She was all excited to live in a farm, to have a country style life. I just couldn't stop her even if I told her the truth. She called my her sister since everywhere we went together, they asked us if we were sisters. So one day she told me: 'Let's be sisters!' I was happy to hear that; but I wanted to tell her that we were real sisters.

"Tim laughed at me when I told him about my distress. He said: 'Even if Fred dumps her, so what! She'll grow up! She'll learn a lesson.' I saw Vickie one more time before she left. I begged her not to leave; but she was completely a different person. She was no longer, the innocent girl I'd met two months earlier."

All the other five were so engrossed in what Rosa was saying, that nobody had noticed that Diana had moved and was sitting next to Jacob, They both were at the verge of break down; however Diana had her head on his shoulder and he had his arm wrapped around him.

"Let me tell you about Fred even though I know you'd met him. He must be in his forties. He acts like a cowboy without having the integrity of the one. He wears these worn out jeans, plaid shirt, and a cowboy's hat. He grows his facial hair, only because he is too lazy to shave. He is the worst man any parents wish for their daughters. And the farm he told Vickie about in Austin, was not his parents; in fact there was no farm at all. He just had some friends in Austin that he'd thought could help him, or better yet, he could use them.

"Before they left, I told Vickie to call me anytime she wants. I really meant it. They left on Labor day. The first call came only after two weeks. He'd battered her; he'd forced her to sleep with his friends for money..."

Suddenly Rosa stopped. A poisonous knot in her throat made her numb momentarily. She glanced at Jacob and Diana. Jacob seemed somber and thoughtful; Diana's head was hidden on Jacob's chest, but it was obvious that she was crying quietly. Her shoulders were shaking.

"After talking to her on the phone," Rosa began again with a tone that was barely audible. "I hated myself, I absolutely hated myself. I thought about contacting you and letting you know everything. Tim stopped me. I..."

"What else did she tell you on the phone?" Jacob interrupted Rosa with a very dispiriting face.

"She told me that she was like a prisoner; she had no way out. She told me that I was right and Fred was a worthless man. She told me that did drugs. She said that they forced her to do drugs, but so far she has been able to refuse it, even though they punish her for that. She told me that they do dog fighting and make money that way, too. I told her that I was going to get her, to bring her home. She said that she couldn't. She said that they would kill her if they knew she had contacted me. I told her to just run away and come back to Dallas. She said she had no money, and then she hanged up. I wanted to tell her to call the police, but she already hanged up. I had no phone number from her. I even wasn't sure if she really was in Austin. All I hoped for was that she could call me again.

"In this dark period, I tortured myself by remaining at home and cutting all my activities. I thought if I leave home, she might call. I imagined her, my beautiful sister, in the hands of all these horrible and wicked men. I felt guilty, yes, it was all my fault. I had put her in that situation for my own stupid revenge, for what my mother had injected in me since childhood. I recalled her singing to me. She had a beautiful voice, I am sure you know it. Her vice is so angelic that I think with a little training she can be a great operatic singer. I envisioned that she was singing some magical notes that throbbed like a human heart beat.

"I'd thought by ruining her life, I would gain mine, and I would get a well- deserved revenge from a man who had ignored me. But I was wrong. I've failed in my mission. My emotional breakdown, Tim told me, was an inexcusable weakness. I've lost my forward motion. I realized that I was fighting for nothing. I felt a deep loss. I felt degenerated and corrupt. All these emotions, seemed though, carving my body in pieces with their sharp mortification.

To Be Continued

Secrets-!@!@!@ Chapter Five

Colorful dreams often marched in front of Thui's eyes, but she always breathed more peacefully when the dreams were gone. Her imaginations varied beyond the limit of what one considers admissible when it came to morality; but even then, being high with those images, her blood ran in her veins as gracefully as before.

The day she married Ed, she came to understanding that for her to get what she wanted, she had no choice but to marry older man and to pretend happiness. On the other hand, she had to wear only one mask of her two- faced personality. She finally gave in. This marriage was different from the first one in many ways. First they did not have any prenuptial agreement, and secondly they had three children. All those would save her future; but there was one obstacle. Ed was a healthy man, old, but healthy.

####

Every one was awed by her story; they were disgusted by what she had done. They all were also amazed by her resilience. But for Ed, to learn these horrible story was like someone had put him in front of the firing squad. He felt so betrayed by the immorality of his wife, that he began crying like a little child that his mother had bought her a wrong toy, not the one she had promised and he wanted. But who was he to talk about morality or honesty? They all had heard what he had done for money. They both were murderers, one young and inexperienced, searching for a better life; and the other, old and experienced, seeking more money. The consequence of their actions were unimportant to them until tonight!

Rosa, closest in age to Thui in that house, was the first to break the silence and said with a consumed disgust in her voice:

"I'm so sick and tired of these foreign girls who cling themselves to our old men for becoming Americans! We don't need these kinds of immigrants!"

Shame had left Thui when she first told Ed that she did not marry him for love. Nothing mattered anymore. They all knew her now, knew her past, her present, her secrets. There was nothing left untold. But the one person she did not want to criticize her was Rosa. She, who was born here, raised here, and had the chance to go to college and become somebody. She wished that there was no bound or limit between the countries of the world; that they all would be just one country, speaking one language, using the same currency, and being under one government. To defend herself, first she got up from her chair, moved her head in a way that her long, thick, black hair flipped to one side, the same hair that attracted men, the same flipping that worked each time, since in reality she truly had beautiful hair; and then walked to the window, her back to everyone and then she said:

"Rosa, you and I are almost the same age. The only difference between us is that you were born here and I, there. You think you're more intelligent than me. I don't think so. It's just that you've had opportunity here, over there, I had none. You sleep with your professors to get good grades, I sleep with old men to have a life."

"Hey, it's not my fault that you're born in Vietnam. I've never had an easy life either." Rosa retorted. "You've heard my story. I am what I am very much on my own. I'm working since I was fifteen years old. I've supported myself ever since. You just can't compare yourself with me! I never killed anyone."

"I don't mind to work; never did." Thui's eyes twitched in pain. "Even now I rather work than... But the best I can do with my background and education is to be a waitress or work in a fast food place or become a house keeper. You're telling me that I killed my baby, yes I did. She was accidental, should not have been. Are you telling me that you never had an abortion?"

Everyone was shocked by what Thui said. Rosa turned pale. Her lips trembling; nonetheless, she manged to say:

"So what if I had an abortion. I didn't kill a born child. I was only three weeks behind. I didn't wait until birth to get rid of it. When it comes to work, I've worked as a waitress, in a fast food restaurant, and any other low paying job you can imagine. It's only after all these years that now I work at the university as an instructor and student assistant. It hasn't been easy for me to be where I am. I don't even live with Tim. I have my own place. If I had an abortion, it was because I was only sixteen years old and I was raped. That is no comparison to what you've done. I didn't kill, the way you described with all the details and even buried a human being to just cling yourself to an old man for your evil reason. Do all girls in your country do what you did?"

It was clear that Tim was shocked by Rosa's last statement. Everyone could see a tremor in his body. It was easier for him to endure his own suffering than other people's. He was shocked to hear about abortion. Rosa had never told him about it. He suffered this pain with Rosa; being sixteen and raped! But on the other hand, he remembered very clearly the first time he saw Rosa, how straight forward she was, and how she told him her reason for that meeting with so much ease and solace, as tough she was talking about what to eat for dinner! "How about you and me together, then you help me with writing my doctorate paper?" He definitely could not let her to get away with it; even though he felt so sorry for her that she had to go through what she did at such young age. He remembered specially her criticizing him earlier in the evening. Naturally he was not a vicious man, but learnedly he had become one because life had treated him so poorly, so terribly cruel.

To Be Continued

Secrets- ??????? Chapter Four

Thui was a patient listener throughout the evening. She never argued or provided Tim an opportunity to attack her credibility. Now that Ed stopped telling his shameful story, she was not sure how she could continue to be the same person, especially when it came to her husband. Her frustration spun in her mind.

Diana started a cigarette and blew a circle of smoke to the ceiling. She also seemed disgusted.

Jacob, also disturbed, thought that the world of the jurists was not a world of facts, it was a world of deception and mockery.

Rosa, feeling sorry for Tim, regretted her own action which had brought her to that house. She could see that the world was divided, at least in that house, between honesty and deception, existence and nonentity.

However, Tim waited to see the impression of the others. He let their impatience grew. Then suddenly he opened the two upper buttons of his shirt, began fanning herself, took off his shoes, and nodded his head in disgust. In his eyes immediately appeared a derisive smile, a certain complication and entanglement.

He remembered how he had stared with terrible intensity at the sun. He recalled that he could not take his eyes from those burning rays, as though he wanted to blind himself intentionally. It had seemed to him that those rays were his new God, nature. He even wanted to be melted beneath those burning rays. His doubt and hatred against this new knowledge which was certain was repulsive. He had said to himself then that nothing was more terrible than this- relentless thought, death of his son. Yes, he had thought about that, yes, he had pictured it, he even had seen it in his dream, he even had created it in his mind how it would happen. But then standing under those incessant sun rays, he had known that it had happened, that his son had taken his life by hanging himself in his cell. He thought what if it was all lies, what if life was given back to Christopher; what an existence it would be, and it all would be his!

Standing under those burning rays, only ten days ago, he had tried to be his son. If life would given back to him, he would make every minute of it an eternity. He would evaluate every passing moment. Nevertheless, those thoughts had filled him with extreme anger that he would want to die all the same and very quickly.

Tears dried out in his eyes. He wanted to cry but no tears were coming down from his dry eyes. He gazed at those rays, stared at them, just might be the extremity of their heat would make the tears to flow, but nothing happened. Then he thought about God, the God of creation, of power, the invisible god, the God of destruction, the God of energy and inspiration, the God of lightness and darkness, the God, he was told, that without him was like being in darkness. He screamed: "Oh, great God, lighten my darkness." Then rage filled him out. He laughed hysterically and became more unbelieving than ever.

The severity of his grief, however seemed incomplete since he had no one to share this fury with. He had this stupefaction which always happened after the death of a loved one; it was so unrealistic for him to seize this emptiness and to believe in this death. He even laughed, a frantic laughter, thinking that his son had seen the gruesome mask of the death which had stood in front of him with menace. Drunk with grief, he shivered under those hot rays.

Now thinking about that image, that desperate moment of learning about his son's death, he recalled those rays again. He became confused of remembering, as though his son's life and memory of his death spreading over each other.

Then, ten days ago, he had heard a music, like a prolonged, vague cry, a melody which lingered, and in the silence of his grief, he had heard that the music was merging with the palpitating of his heart. That day was a dispiriting one. Things seemed to him were engulfed in a dark horizon; and then swimming dizzily beneath the burning rays of the sun. Sorrow interwove with his soul. He gave this sense of abstraction to the things that would never return.

A feeling of laziness which normally would come after an excruciating pain took over him. He sensed an interference of every accustomed movement. It was a sudden ending of this extended shaking.

It was just all the same. These people, even Rosa, did not know that his son had taken his life. He had a plan which did not include even Rosa, his girlfriend. Now was the time, after Ed had confessed to his kind of crime. Now it was time to bring the real hammer down and strike his head with it.

To Be Continued

Secrets-_)(_)_(_ Chapter Three

"I was only twenty three when I married Nancy. It was 1960, The aura that many things happened to our culture and changed our society. You know Vietnam, Woodstock, and all those kind of stuff. Now you know how old I am. Yes, I am sixty one now, an old divorcee.

"Nancy was my high school sweet heart. We exclusively dated each other. We married when I graduated from college and got a job. Christopher was born a year later. He is thirty seven years old now. He is the kind, one may say, born unlucky, and will die unlucky.

"Nancy got involved with bunch of friends, who believed in things very much against what I believed. She said she was bored and our lives had no color. One of her ideas was that child must take her mother's name. I didn't like it, but I didn't fight her. I wanted to keep the peace in the house. I wanted my marriage to last. If some one knew about our private life, their advice to me was that this marriage was already lost. I loved her. I wanted my son to grow up with both parents. She never changed her last name to mine after marriage. And when the baby was born, we named him Christopher Hoyle Rhoads. I was happy that at least he used my name in the middle. But the last name was her maiden name." Tim stopped. He raised his head and looked at Ed to see the effect of the name, his son's name he just had announced.

Ed's head was in his chest. He recognized the name right away. The whole story rushed in to his mind. He wished to stop the time, or to return time to the previous evening before all these things had started. But the water had spilled out and there was no way of gathering it. He tried, however, not to show any sign of emotion, because he knew all the eyes were intensely on him.

"Does the name ring the bell?" Tim began, feeling a thorn in his throat.

"A very short time after the birth of Christopher, Nancy got involved even more with those friends she had; and she wanted us to do what they were doing. They all thought that no bond could take human for granted. They all thought they were free in spirit and soul; therefore they had to be free in action and behavior. To them, the culture and morality were nothing but chain and repression. I couldn't believe this was the same girl I knew for ten years, dated her. Let me just spill out- they swapped partners, and Nancy wanted to experience it, too. She called me old fashioned, stupidly moral." Tim felt a big knot in his throat. From time to time, he cast a deplorable glance at others.

"I fought with her. I tried to reason with her. I told her that the beauty of marriage is its exclusiveness. She stormed at me that I was an old fashioned foul. I finally gave in to her. Yes, I admit it. I gave in to her. We did that thing for a couple a times, actually, to be honest, I didn't. I pretended that I did. I couldn't stand it anymore. Who ever would become my partner, only hear my lecturing and no action. I told her that as important as our marriage was to me with a kid and all, I wouldn't tolerate this. I told her that she needed to clean up her acts. Her response was: 'Even though we both are the same age, we belong to different generations.' I was horrified by her answer. I was offended. What has happened to the girl I knew since we were thirteen years old.

"I thought to myself that this dreadful situation couldn't be helped. We were in a very terrible time. It was like a bitter medicine that one had to swallow it. It was the time that you could see Jane Fonda on the enemy's tank, solacing them, entertaining them, but not our own soldiers who were almost all drafted. Those soldiers were treated the worse of any other war we had. She wanted me to swallow that bitter medicine and be like every one else. That was her exact word. 'When did you become Mr. honorable?' I chocked on that poison. I refused to do it or to go with her.

"After being married for only two years, we finally got a divorce. I loved her parents. I told them the real reason.. Yes, I had visitation, yes, I paid child support; but every thing had flown into the thin air for me. I decided not to marry ever again. I found all women my enemies; and I decided to fight them. But I didn't come to this point right away. I was hurt. I was bitter, yet I thought I should go back to school. I was still a very young man, only twenty five years old. So I did.

"I became a lonely bachelor at such young age. I felt I was entering the dubious dusk of nostalgia that was not related to hope. I thought that my youth was over and my old age had not yet come.

"I felt terrible for many years. But I must admit sometimes I began feeling better for awhile. When that happened, I used to go out. But after awhile, the streets, the people, everything infuriated me. I would return home and purposely would shut myself inside for a long time. I could not endure the filthy, vulgar, and nasty people. Everyone seemed to me was anxious and restless. I was hopeless. Everybody was walking in the streets, but no one was united; and if they did, it was not the right time or place.

"When I finished school and got a teaching job at the university, I started feeling better. Looking at all those beautiful women in my classes, I kept reminding myself of their souls. I kept thinking that beneath those beautiful faces there were a soul of stone. Slowly I felt that they were all the same, just like Nancy. If you don't give in to their want , you're thrown out from their lives. I kind of convinced myself that I could use them and throw them out, too. So I did.

To Be Continued

Secrets{**}~{**} Chapter one

~*

"What else do you want me to do? I finished marinating the steaks."

The screechy sound of the old vacuum cleaner prevented Diana of hearing her husband. He raised his voice while repeating his question; and when this time again, she did not hear him,he simply walked to the living room and pulled the plug of the vacuum cleaner. Diana turned to see what happened. Then he repeated his question.

"Everything is under control, thanks honey."

Jacob went to his office and sat behind his desk. Gazing at his typewriter, he drove himself to a world of reminiscence. He also wanted things to be different. He wished Vickie would have been normal like Diana not his mother, since his daughter's behavior reminded him of his sister's life. That thought gave him a chill as though he was in the middle of winter. He practically saw the hair standing on his arm. He believed that his sister's tragic life had everything to do with the way their mother treated her and their father ignored completely the way she was treated by his psycho wife. But why Vickie! She had all the love that any parents could give a child; she had the best maternal grandparents in the world. She had a normal life. Why her?

He suddenly realized that for the last three years he had thought of Vickie as a child, an extension of himself and Diana. The reality was that he did not know anything about his daughter as a woman. Agonizingly he thought about her. What had caused her to leave them in that manner, to run away from them? Was there such thing as to run away from too much love and care? Was it because perhaps she had been too spoiled? What was happening to her now? Suddenly the truth came to him in the most painful manner- Vickie was not the little girl he wanted her to be. Diana's and his obsession for her was all wrong. It was something that they had cultivated in their mind to justify an illusion or imagination. All children are birds, when they grow, the fly out. Both Diana and he had come to that conclusion for a while; but this discovery for him was like the ultimate knowledge. Excepts some birds would return, would keep the relation going, would be kind and trustworthy. The only difference in their bird and other birds was that she had flown somewhere they did not not know or accept, and she did not want to be found.

Now with a clear vision, he understood that as extended family was a story of past, the newer generation, especially children, who mostly lacked the love, support, and get together with their grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins..., perhaps had a divorced parents and were raised with moms, were more under the influence of the peer pressure than, let's say their parents. But why his Vickie? Jacob could almost foresaw the future of nation and the insanity of it because of all these dispersions.

He shouted. Derogation was not his sense as portrayal was. He was a good teacher again.

~*

Since the morning was gone and preparation for the party was ended, Jacob and Diana were sitting silently in the living room. But their silence, their sitting together said vividly and expressively of their trusting each other and and the closeness between them. Each seemed inattentive of the other and yet filled with an internal ecstasy for being together. Since this morning, the expression on their faces had also changed from intensity to some degree of relaxation.

"I'll bet Ed is going to be here any minute. He's always early." Jacob looked at the clock, hanging over the fireplace. It was twenty minutes before six.

Diana nodded her head for yes.

"I'll have a glass of wine, do you want one?"

"Sure," Diana responded.

"I've chilled the wines in refrigerator. Do you want white or red?' Jacob asked her with so much love in his voice.

"White,"

Jacob got up to bring the wine. The door bell rang. He stopped and went to the door but not before looking at his wife and saying:

"I told you Ed is always early."

Ed and Thui came in. In the last couple of years Ed's hair had turned all gray. He had a blue, plaid, short sleeves shirt and khaki pants on. At his age, sixty eight, he did not care much about fitness. It seemed that every time The Heimers saw him, he was a little heavier. On the other hand, Thui, his wife, only thirty years old, was slim and fit. She had a red flower print sleeveless dress on. The skirt was full and long. She had white sandals on and her polished toe nail were shown through the opening of her shoes. Her long black hair, fuller than ever, laid straight on her broad back.

To Be continued.